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Cock Wars 2007 Summation

April 9, 2007 Cock Wars No Comments

And so concludes the second official year of Cock Wars. The ethereal champion of Cock Wars 2007: Attack of the Dicks is Gandalf, unkillable wizard and pipe smoker.

This year featured far less controversy than last year, and I don’t even hate anyone or want to stop doing Cock Wars. Gandalf was crowned fairly, and he is the undeniable victor. Both his cock and his beard reign supreme.

I hope that next year will be as fun and relaxing as this year has been. In approximately 300 days Cock Wars 2008: Revenge of the Wang will begin.

Cock Wars 2007 Contestants – Delta Quadrant

February 26, 2007 Cock Wars No Comments

There’s nothing I hate more than writing the character descriptions for Cock Wars, that’s why I’m not doing it any more! Yes, I have more fun shuffling around outdated HTML tags and drawing comics in MS Paint than I do searching for quotes from TV characters I’ve never heard of. Here are the names and pictures for the Delta Quadrant contestants, which should be good enough.

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Cock Wars 2007 Contestants – Gamma Quadrant

February 19, 2007 Cock Wars No Comments

Cap’n Crunch

Description: Oh captain, my Cap’n Crunch battles the forces of sogginess in order to cut the mouth roofs of children everywhere. He keeps his eyebrows on his hat, as all good cartoon seamen do. Somewhere between now and the year 3000 he will be promoted to admiral, proving his immortality.

Special move: Giving toy whistles to potential hackers, inspiring them to get free phone calls. These hackers probably hang out with Steve Jobs and Woz.



Carlton Banks

Description: Carlton Banks is the staunchly Republican frenemy of Will Smith. His favourite musician is Tom Jones and his favourite actor is god and creator of the universe, William Shatner.

Famous lines: “How’s it going there Will?”

Special move: Carlton dance.



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Cock Wars 2007 Contestants – Beta Quadrant

February 12, 2007 Cock Wars No Comments

Colonel Sanders

Description: Colonel Sanders is the founder and mascot of Kentucky Fried Chicken. He perfected his infamous secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices in a diabolical plan to grease the entire world enough to speed up the planet’s rotation.

Battle cry: “Finger-lickin’ good.”

Special move: Flying scissor kicks to the throat.



Jon Stewart

Description: Jon Stewart is the host of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show. He replaced the unfunniest man in the history of television, Craig Kilborn, as host in 1999. He has given birth to the careers of Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert. Jon also does a really accurate impersonation of Dick Cheney.

Battle cry: “Douche.”

What others are saying: “Jon.” – Steven Colbert



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Cock Wars 2007 Contestants – Alpha Quadrant

February 2, 2007 Cock Wars No Comments

Kool-Aid Man

Description: The Kool-Aid Man is a walking, running, talking, wall-breaking badass with Kool-Aid enough for all the bastard children of the world.

Battle cry: “OH, YEAAHH!”

Special move: Diabetes.



Turanga Leela

Description: Leela is the one-eyed captain of The Planet Express Ship. She is the most human mutant that has ever been born in the sewers of New New York. She once had sex with the second greatest man of all time, Zapp Brannigan, and once made out with the greatest man of all time, William Shatner.

Famous lines: “Now all the planets are going to start cracking wise about our mothers.” “Axe.”

Special move: Flying battle kick.



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