Image: Old Spice.

Image: Gaumont Film Company.

Folks, this is seemingly the war that will never end. Spock, Old Spice Guy, Korben Dallas, and Yoda have fought mightily for a week now, and at the end of things, two have ended up in a tie.

That leaves us with a single-day, no-holds-barred, winner-takes-all death-match between the likes of Old Spice Guy and Korben Dallas.

Now for wrath, now for ruin, and the red dawn!

Image: Old Spice.

Cock Wars 2011: Return of the Johnson began humbly. In the Alpha Quadrant, Jack Sparrow took down the Pikmin 12-6, Tesla beat out Felicia Day 11-6, Princess Leia triumphed over the Merfolk of the Pearl Trident 10-5, and Barney Stinson shot past Chewbacca 9-6.

It wasn’t until the Beta Quadrant polls were posted that it became apparent this would be a different kind of year. Rather than a tight race to the finish, we were about to watch a coronation. In round 7, Old Spice Guy blew out next-closest-competitor Luke Skywalker 15-4. When most winners were doubling their closest opponent’s tallies, he was almost quadrupling his.

The Old Spice Guy witnessed tighter competition in the second round. He managed 9 votes to Edward Norton’s 4, Charlie Sheen’s 3, and Lando Calrissian’s 3.

In the final battle, Old Spice guy faced competition who, for anyone else, would have been formidable: Abraham Lincoln, Princess Leia, and Sheldon Cooper. They all paled in might however, and were easily defeated. Lincoln took 4 votes back to the White House, Leia flew 2 back to Alderaan, and Cooper snatched 2 for the lab. Old Spice Guy, meanwhile, scored 11 points to decorate his shower with.

This won’t be the last of Old Spice Guy. Join him, Lincoln, and 14 other favourites from the history of Cock Wars beginning this Wednesday, May 18th when we kick off Cock Wars: The Blown Wars. This will be a two week contest between the greatest heroes in Cock Wars history, celebrating the conclusion of this magical 6 year journey. The top two from each year of Cock will be there, plus three very special previously disqualified candidates, and one rather purple dark horse from the mists of the past.

Donkey Kong (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Donkey Kong is a massive gorilla with two interests: bananas and women. His adventures related to those two things fuel the joy of humanity. Once, long ago, the 800 pound behemoth kidnapped a young woman named Pauline. A stout plumber named Mario was forced to come to her rescue, and thus modern video games were born. More recently, Kong has repeatedly had his banana horde stolen by various evil animal forces, giving an excuse for much joyous platforming to be had.

Mega Man (Newbs)

Image: Capcom.

Description: Mega Man is an android of moderate strength who frequently (very frequently) builds himself into a state of astounding power through the harvest of upgrades from various robotic threats. Mega Man began life as a mere android before being converted into a fighting robot for the purpose of defeating the evil Dr. Wily’s nefarious machinations.

Abraham Lincoln (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: “Honest” Abe Lincoln was the sixteenth president and he engaged in the ultimate pissing contest with Jefferson Davis. As a child he grew up in the raw frontier of America learning hard work and self sufficiency, his log splitting abilities are legendary. Abe was a Captain of militia during the Black Hawk War, he said they “lost more blood to mosquitoes than Indians” Despite this poor showing he was soon the president of a country at war with itself. As Commander in Chief he walked a fine line between trampling the rights of all Americans and ending the institution of slavery in America. He was able to keep a large and well supplied army in the field long enough for a General to figure out what to do with it.

Quote: Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.

Emperor Palpatine (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Emperor Palpatine, also known as Darth Sidious, is an especially devious Dark Lord of the Sith who manipulated his way through the ranks of the Republic and was ultimately elected President. From that position, he was able to orchestrate a manufactured war with a manufactured threat and convince the senate to appoint him Emperor.

As Emperor, Palpatine ruled with viciousness and malice, caring for nothing but his own power. Palpatine dissolved the Imperial Senate and believed he could maintain control through fear alone. It was a good plan, and he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling rebels. The Emperor had no issue with annihilating entire planets in order to keep his Empire under control.

Palpatine’s force powers were likely the greatest of the modern era. He concealed the fact that he was a Dark Lord from the entire Jedi order during his rise to power, and defeated Yoda himself in a lightsaber duel.

Garak (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Origin: If you ask you’ll get a different answer.

Notable contribution: Garak is possibly one of the most influential individuals of DS9. At first seeming just a simple tailor, rumours of his rather important past would occasionally pop up. Eventually he was revealed to be the son and protégé of Enabran Tain, the head of the Obsidian Order. Forced into exile he had a brief relationship with Gul Dukat’s daughter. Then during the Dominion war, at the behest of Sisko, he assassinated a Romulan Senator to make sure the Romulans would not join with the Dominion. This action helped Starfleet to win the Dominion war.

Questions: Would you have lunch with him?

Death: Classified.

Quote: The truth is usually just an excuse for lack of imagination.

Dexter Morgan (Weskimo)

Image: Showtime.

Description: Dexter Morgan is a sociopath with an undeniable need to kill. He needs to feel those last shuddering breaths of his victims, see that shocked look in their eyes, and bear witness to their sudden violent demise. But Dexter is no ordinary serial killer. He may have no conscience, he may have very little in the way of humanity, but he possesses an extremely strong survival instinct, and so follows his Code for choosing victims as an integral part in never getting caught.

The differences in Dexter’s mind were quickly recognized by his foster father, a police officer frustrated at watching the law protect the guilty and the guilty walk free. And so, he curbed Dexter’s need towards fulfilling a purpose: Justice. Dexter’s Code forces him to hunt and kill only those he can prove are guilty of murder themselves. All his life, Dexter has honed his skills to be the most capable killer he could be, taking courses in advanced jiu-jitsu to better subdue his targets and even working as a forensics analyst for the police.

Efficient, deadly, and exceptionally good at cleaning up after himself, Dexter’s victims never see his attacks coming. He, however, will take some time to discuss the crimes of the accused with them after they have been restrained. His Kill Rooms are designed to have significance, meaning. He uses the backdrop to highlight to his prey the reason they have been chosen and remind them that they brought their deaths upon themselves.

What Others Are Saying: “You give me the fucking creeps, you know that Dexter?” – Sergeant Doakes

Special Moves: Murder, pretending to not be a murderer.

Dr. Cal Lightman (BloodLark)

Image: Fox.

Origin: A Brit

Notable contribution: Dr.Lighman is a rather large arsehole who is an expert at reading people’s body language. Specifically he excels in reading the micro expressions of someone’s face. It is thought these expressions reveal what you are truly thinking. Cal uses this ability to aid clients, solve crimes, and torment his employees.

Questions: Would you want someone to read your face?

Death: Bloody hell not yet.

Quote: Truth or happiness. Never both.

Queen Amidala (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Queen Padmé Amidala was a strong proponent of democracy during her position as senator for Naboo (how a queen can be in favour of democracy, I have no idea). During this time she was foolishly seduced by rape-face Anakin Skywalker who won her over by telling her she was better than sand.

Amidala died of grief (as happens so often to women in fiction I’ve discovered) shortly after the rise of Emperor Palpatine. She just managed to pump out two kids with Anakin though, whose names are Luke and Leia. They ultimately proved that their mother’s life was not a total waste.

Battle cry: “I will sign no treaty, Senator.”

Scarlett Johansson (Newbs)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Scarlett Johansson is an accomplished American actor who has appeared in two of my favourite movies: Ghost World and Lost in Translation. When she’s not appearing in beautifully melancholy films, she likes to be a political and anti-poverty activist.

ScarJo’s other interests include singing and twice-annual HIV tests.

Toucan Sam (Weskimo)

Image: Kellogg's.

Famous lines: “Follow your nose!”

Éowyn (Newbs)

Image: New Line Cinema.

Description: Éowyn is the niece of King Théoden and a shieldmaiden of Rohan. She grew depressed following her father’s death at the hand of orcs, and her mother’s subsequent death-by-grief. As Éowyn is female and a member of nobility, she was unable to avenge these deaths for a long time, forced instead to look after her sickly uncle while being stalked by the woefully unattractive Gríma Wormtongue.

Eventually, Rohan was able to cast out the evil influence of Saruman, and with it her uncle’s illness. Rohan ultimately went to war against the dark forces of Sauron, where Éowyn herself was able to sneak into battle. Tag-teaming with Merry, Éowyn was able to take down the Witch King of Angmar himself, of whom it was said no man could kill.

Battle cry: “I am no man.”

Gary Oldman (BloodLark)

Image: IMG_5478. CC-BY.

Origin: Born 1958 in Britain.

Notable contribution: He is one of the greatest and easily transformed actors. He is the actor that half the time you don’t even realize it’s him. He’s played characters in movies such as The Fifth Element, Air Force One, Hannibal, Harry Potter, and newest Batman movies. Every one of us will always remember him as Zorg, and the youngsters will remember him as Sirius Black. Seeing his name in the credits of any movie almost guarantees an incredible film. P.S. he was married to Uma Thurman for a while, weird.

Questions: Zorg or Sirius?

Death: Nope.

Quote: “Any actor who tells you that they have become the people they play, unless they’re clearly diagnosed as a schizophrenic, is bullshitting you.”

Scryb Sprites (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Description: The Scryb are a tribe of Faeries that lurk in Dominaria’a forests, waiting. Just waiting. Sure, they are often seen flitting about, frolicking amongst the trees and leaves, but don’t be fooled. They’re just waiting for you. Yes, you. Don’t stop and gawk at their miniature motions. Don’t linger over their antics. They’re out to hurt you. For one damage. The funnier you think they are, the more they want to hurt you. So just keep on walking. That’s right. Don’t look at them. They’ll get you if you look at them.

Special Move: Throwing berries

Alice (Newbs)

Image: Screen Gems.

Description: Alice’s early career was spent working as a security officer for Umbrella Corporation. It was there that she was left to combat the rampaging hordes of zombies created by the company’s weapons experiments. Alice went on to bond with the T-Virus, growing vastly in power.

Following the destruction of humanity by Umbrella’s T-Virus, Alice went on to lead a rag-tag bunch of survivors against Umbrella’s ongoing nefarious plots while battling a never-ending supply of zombies and super-zombies.

Hercules (BloodLark)

Image: Public domain.

Origin: Son of Zeus and the mortal Alcmene.

Notable contribution: He Completed the Twelve Labours set by Eurystheus, joined with the Argonauts to get the Golden Fleece, and freed Prometheus. Throughout his life he had to contend with his Hera, she was just a bit pissed at Zeus’ infidelities. When given the option of a pleasant/easy life or a severe/glorious one he chose glory and definitely lived up to it.

Questions: Tate Donovan or Kevin Sorbo?

Death: Hercules voluntarily had himself burned on a pyre while still alive. The fire consumed his mortal flesh and with that loss he became a true god.

Quote: Once you have harpies you can’t get rid of them.

Steven Spielberg (MerrGe)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Undoubtedly one of the most influential film personalities in history, Steven Spielberg is perhaps Hollywood’s best known director and one of the wealthiest filmmakers in the world. Spielberg has countless big-grossing, critically acclaimed credits to his name, as producer, director and writer. Nominated for 6 Academy Awards for best director, and another 6 for best picture, as well as 10 Golden Glode nominations for best director, and another 3 for best picture. But I think his work really speaks for itself.

Some highlights include work on Indiana Jones (all of them), Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Back to the Future (all of them), Jurassic Park (all of them), Men in Black (both), Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Schindler’s List (which he apparently asked not to be paid for), Memoirs of a Geisha, Twister, Gremlins, Saving Private Ryan, and Transformers (but we can forgive him for that one). His work also includes family fair like Balto, Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain, Batteries Not Included, An American Tail (and Fieval Goes West), Hook, ET, and The Land Before Time.

I mean really, what more do you want from one man?

The Dude (Newbs)

Image: Universal Studios.

Description: Put simply, The Dude abides. Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski is a skilled bowler, and an even finer slacker. His laid-back attitude towards life has helped him endure hardships like the ruination of his rug, the death of his close friend, and involvement in a complex embezzlement scheme.

The Dude’s legacy lives on in the religion which his life inspired, known as Dudeism.

Battle cry: “Well that’s just, like, uhh… your opinion, man.”

Saruman (Newbs)

Image: New Line Cinema.

Description: Saruman the White came to Middle-earth as the head of Istari, a group of five wizards sent by the Valar to combat Sauron. Of the five, four failed in their tasks, but perhaps none harder than Saruman. Instead of screwing off like the blue wizards, or playing with animals like the brown wizard, Saruman actually teamed up with Sauron to really screw with The Fellowship and its allies.

What others are saying: “Tell me, ‘friend,’ when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?” – Gandalf

Starscream (Weskimo)

Image: Hasbro.

Description: Starscream is Megatron’s right hand man and arguably the second most powerful Decepticon in operation. He fiercely subscribes to the rule of “survival of the fittest” and is one damn highly ambitious alien robot.

Constantly looking for an angle to wrest control of the Decepticon forces from Megatron’s clutches, he also possesses an intense hatred for the Autobots and their allies, and uses that hatred to fuel his attacks upon them. Transforming into a fighter jet, he rains spite-charged rage upon his foes, delivering a destruction entreé with a side of cruelty to any in his bombing run’s path.

C-3P0 & R2D2 (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Of the many famous tag-teams in cinema history, perhaps none stand taller than the whining C-3P0 and his robust little companion R2-D2. C-3P0 began life as an engineering experiment by the eventual Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. R2-D2 started out as a Naboo defense forces astromech droid, but went on to carry the designs of the Death Star within his rusty innards, a role which eventually became vital to the defeat of the Empire.

What others are saying: “Never tell me the odds!” – Han Solo

Count Chocula (Weskimo)

Image: General Mills

Description: Everyone’s favorite chocolate-loving vampire, Count Chocula, ruled the General Mills cereal lineup with an iron-bucktoothed-grin for the better part of two decades.

This guy had cereal mascotting down to a damn science. Monster: check. Sugary delicious cereal: check. Cult appeal: check. The man even got the Jewish communities up in arms over a medallion on the box that supposedly resembled the Star of David, so religious controversy: check. This prick was the original pop culture vampire, he didn’t need to be a sparkly pedophile vampire to get chicks, he stuck with the tried and true method of chocolate. It’s rumored he keeps a Toblerone in his pocket, if you know what I mean…

Famous Lines: “I vant to eat your cereal”

What others are saying: “Who the fuck is Count Chocula?”

Andrew Jackson (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Old Hickory was born in 1767 three weeks after his father died. His miserable childhood during the American revolution also featured the death of his two brothers and mother all in war related deaths. After being captured by the British he refused to polish an officers boots and was slashed at with a sword leaving him scarred for life.

For some reason little Andy grew up hating the British with a passion. During (technically it was just after) the war of 1812 the future 7th president of the United States kicked British ass so hard they never dared fight us in a war ever again. A few years later, after being ordered to fight Seminole Indians in Georgia he “accidentally” took Florida from the Spanish.

Jackson was not only a brilliant general but he was also a barroom brawler and duelist. He killed a dozen or so (records are incomplete) men that way. He won the plurality of votes for president in 1824 however his congressional enemies gave the top slot to the son of a former president (seems that some things never change). Instead of pouting and growing a beard Jackson fought back and took what was rightfully his four years later.

Bonus stats: +5 vrs. Britons. +3 duelist.

Joanna Dark (Newbs)

Image: Rare/Microsoft.

Description: Carrington Institute Agent Joanna Dark is a force to be reckoned with for any unnamed corporate henchman. Her work against the dataDyne corporation and its concerning conspiracies with alien forces has earned her a worthy reputation as mass-murderer.

Special moves: Circle-strafing with pistols in Felicity.

What others are saying: “Goodnight, Ms. Dark.” – Cassandra De Vries

Natalie Portman (Newbs)

Image: Natalie Portman. CC-BY-SA.

Description: Natalie Portman is a famed American/Israeli actor who has gained reputations for: being hot, being a terrible actor in Star Wars, being a decent actor in other things, and frequently using an awful fake English accent.

Natalie’s big screen debut came in the 1994 film Léon, which everyone should see because it is awesome.

Battle cry: “I will sign no treaty, Senator.”

Famous lines: “To drink and fight… to fuck all night.” – Natalie on SNL.

Sheldon Cooper (Weskimo)

Image: CBS.

Description: Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, B.S, M.S, M.A, Ph.D, Sc.D, is possibly the smartest man ever fictionally created. Armed with a fully eidetic memory, a healthy distaste for human contact, and an undeniable sense of self-worth, Shelldor, level 85 Blood Elf, dominates his small social group with his intelligence and unassailable stubbornness. It’s often questioned why the group lets him get his way but the consensus is that it would be more work than it’s actually worth to argue with him.

Sheldon’s extremely high IQ of 187 leads him to lead an exceptionally logical, though egocentric, life. Despite this, his complete social ineptitude and tendency to bluntly speak his mind often get him into disagreements with friends, family, and the service industry. He also possesses any number of strange personal idiosyncrasies that leave him in conflict with the rest of the human world. These include germophobia, an obsessive attachment to routines, and a barely functional understanding of sarcasm, irony, or basic human emotion.

All of that being said, Sheldon’s not crazy; his mother had him tested.

Likes: The Comic Book Store. Spock. Trains.

Dislikes: Being interrupted or ignored. Friends bickering. Wil Wheaton.

Famous Lines: “That’s my spot.” “In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it’s directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.”
“Oh, Mario. How I wish I could control everyone the way I can with you… Hop, you little plumber! Hop, hop, hop!” “Bazinga!”

Mountain Goat (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Description: The Mountain Goat’s power among 5th Edition Magic: the Gathering is legendary. He goes where he will, hits who he will, and delivers righteous horny thunder on unsuspecting opponents.

He doesn’t need sharp teeth, he doesn’t need battlefield dominating abilities, and he sure as hell doesn’t need your other bullshit creatures crowding him. Let the Goat do his damn thing and mountainwalk all over the fucking place.

Peter Jackson (MerrGe)

Image: Peter Jackson's Facebook page.

Description: One of only 7 directors who have won Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Screenplay (Orig/Adapted) for the same film. Formerly known for directing a bunch of horror movies, but all you really need to know is that he is responsible for the three Lord of the Rings movies. I mean really, what more do you want?

Special move: Losing 50 pounds

Quotes: “Don’t worry. Gollum isn’t going to be another Jar Jar Binks.”

What others are saying: “I always trusted him. If there was a way that I had seen something and he had seen it differently, I would… trust his vision. We were in brilliant hands.” – Elijah Wood

Pikachu (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Among the literally hundreds of Pokémon species which exist, the Pikachu has risen to be the most well known, and among the millions of Pikachus, the one known as “Pikachu,” whose master is Ash Ketchum, has become the lone animal in the universe most desired by Team Rocket.

All of this is for good reason. The thousands of hours of anime which Pikachu has starred in demonstrate that he is of a level beyond the cap. His electrical blasting powers are above those that maxed-out stats should allow.

Battle cry: “Piiikaaaaaachuuuuuuuuuu!”

Boba Fett (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Boba Fett had a hard childhood. He is a clone who was raised by Jango Fett as a son. This sole source of positive emotional connection was ended by the loose canon Mace Windu during the Clone Wars when Boba was still a child, a murder by decapitation which Boba witnessed firsthand. Fett went on to be a fearsome bounty hunter himself, tracking the Millennium Falcon for the Empire and later taking the frozen-in-carbonite Han Solo to Jabba the Hutt to collect a bounty.

Odo (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Origin: As a young Changeling he was shot out into space, he was then discovered in 2337.

Notable Contribution: Being a Changeling, one of Odo’s favourite pastimes is shifting into different objects, creatures, and surfaces. Every 16 hours Odo must return to his liquid state and prefers to relax in his bucket. As Chief of Security both under the Cardassian Occupation and Federation administration Odo is well known for being reliable and very good at his job. Odo has a long-time rival in Quark, the fact that Odo knows that Quark is always up to something is part of what makes Quark a good source of criminal information. Odo had a fairly active love life, he married Lwaxana Troi, had a fling with a female shape shifter, and had a long time crush but short time relationship with Kira NeNerys.

Questions: Just exactly how well can he shift (if you know what I mean)?

Death: Returned to the Great Link in 2375

Quote: “Laws change depending on who’s making them, but justice is justice.”

Richard Castle (BloodLark)

Image: ABC.

Notable Contribution: Writing such wonderful books as Storm Rising and Storm’s Break. He has been recently working on books starring his inspired character Nicky Heat. While having a teenage daughter and two previous marriages, Castle is still quite the lady’s man. He also tends to still have flings with his first ex-wife, whom he refers to as a “deep fried Twinkie.” Castle got permission to work with the police to help inspire his next set of novels. At first Beckett resents this paring but over time grows to appreciate Castle’s inventive and unusual way at looking at murders.

Questions: Has anyone read Heat Wave?

Death: To be determined

Quote: Did you know in the original Greek, “tragedy” literally means “goat song”? I know, doesn’t make any sense to me either, but whatever that first story was, I can’t help but think, bad things must have happened to that goat…

Ralph Fiennes (BloodLark)

Image: Ralph Fiennes. CC-BY-SA.

Origin: Born 1962.

Notable Contribution: Been in fantastic and critically acclaimed movies like Schindler’s List, The English Patient, Red Dragon, and the Harry Potter series. He has also been in a couple bombs like The Avengers and Maid in Manhattan. He is well known for playing deep characters. Unfortunately, while he has been nominated several times he has yet to win an Academy Award.

Questions: What will he do after Harry Potter?

Death: Yay not yet!

Quote: “I’m sure acting is a deeply neurotic thing to do.”

Quark (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Notable Contribution: Running the wonderful bar on DS9. Quark and Odo have an interesting adversarial friendship. Quark is always trying to pull off illegal get rich schemes and Odo tries to catch him. Quarks unusual loyalty and caring interferes with his profits. He has been known to pass up opportunities to save family. This trait is also why he is not in jail. It is better to have a thief you “trust” than one you can’t. He is also known for living religiously by the Rules of Acquisition.

Death: Data not found.

Quote: “The speed of technological advancement isn’t nearly as important as short term quarterly gains.”

Luke Skywalker (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Luke grew up knowing precious little about his family heritage. His father was Anakin Skywalker, who later became Darth Vader, pretty much the meanest dude in the galaxy. Once Luke met up with Vader’s old master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, things began to come together for him. He was able to shake out the infamous sand of his home planet and smack the Empire, along with his father, down all while becoming a Jedi.

Special moves: Switching off his targeting computer.

Old Spice Guy (MerrGe)

Image: Old Spice.

Description: “Hello, voters. Look at my competitors, now back to me, now back at my competitors, now back to me. Sadly, they aren’t me, but that’s all right because you can still vote for me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in front of a computer deciding between me and and some people who aren’t me. What’s in your hand? Back to me. It’s a mouse. You can use it to click and vote for me. Scroll up! Back down! Did you vote for me? You should. Why? Because I smell like Old Spice and I’m riding on a horse that’s made of diamonds.”

Special Moves: Smelling fantastic and doing the impossible

Battle Cry: “Swan Dive!”

Thomas Edison (BloodLark)

Image: Public domain.

Notable Contribution: Because he worked with telegraphs he nicknamed his first two kids Dot and Dash. He did invent things like the carbon microphone transmitter, the stock ticker, and the kinetoscope. He also designed the first commercial fluoroscope. Unfortunately, his first willing human guinea pig died from a lethal dose of radiation. He fortunately lost the “War of the Currents” to Tesla.

Questions: Do you know which invention Edison only bought the patents for and didn’t do himself?

Death: Died October 18th 1931 from diabetes.

Quote: “Anything that won’t sell, I don’t want to invent. Its sale is proof of utility, and utility is success.”

Neo (Newbs)

Image: The Matrix Reloaded poster. Warner Bros.

Description: Put simply, Neo is the one. He is the human embodiment of Keanu Reeves, as well as humanity’s hope for the future.

Neo may have started out as hacker slacker Mr. Anderson, but following his encounters with Trinity and Morpheus, he rapidly developed into the machine melting destroyer of the Matrix.

Special moves: Bullet time.

Battle cry: “Whoah.”

James Cameron (BloodLark)

Image: ETalk2008-James Cameron. CC-BY license.

Notable Contribution: Cameron made the two highest grossing films of all time. His touch is movie gold. He also made Terminator, Rambo 2, Aliens, The Abyss, Terminator 2, True Lies, Titanic, and Avatar. Dear god this man has made so many sweet films. He is known for his temper and is notoriously difficult to work under.

Questions: Why are all his highest grossing films the worst written?

Death: Not there yet.

Quote: “People call me a perfectionist, but I’m not. I am a rightest. I do something until it is right, and then I move on to the next thing.”

Elrond (Newbs)

Image: Lord of the Rings. New Line Cinema.

Description: Elrond is the Lord of Rivendell, a position which puts him into a class of “mighty rulers of old that remained in Middle-earth in its Third Age” according to Wikipedia. He’s also over 6000 years old.

Elrond has seen some shit. He attended the Siege of Barad-dûr where Sauron was defeated and the One Ring was walked away with, much to his annoyance.

Special moves: Chillin’ with Bilbo.

Edward Norton (BloodLark)

Image: Ednortongfdl. CC-BY-SA.

Notable Contribution: Being a kick ass actor in movies like The Score, Fight Club, American History X, and The Illusionist. While he has been nominated for several awards for his acting he has never won an Oscar. Norton has been interested in acting from a very young age. He is willing to put in a lot of effort for a role; he put on 30lb of muscle for American History X.

Questions: How long did it take you to figure out his character in The Score?

Death: No death.

Quote: “Fame is very corrosive and you have to guard strictly against it.”

Charlie Sheen (MerrGe)

Image:CharlieSheenMarch2009. CC-BY-SA.

Description: Winning.

Memorable Quotes: “I got tiger blood, man.” “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitchin’, a total freakin’ rock star from Mars.” “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there. Now what?” “I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.” “That’s how I roll. And if it’s too gnarly for people, then buh-bye.” “I probably took more drugs than anyone could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.” “People are mystified by this odyssey that refuses to quit calling itself Charlie Sheen.” “I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.” “It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because I don’t have time for these clowns.” “I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”

Bumblebee (Weskimo)

Image: Bumblebee. Hasbro.

After the Decepticons all but took over Cybertron and the Autobots were down to resistance movement-type fighting, Bumblebee was among the first team of Autobots sent to Earth to secure a source of Energon. Standing 15 feet tall and weighing in at innumerable tons of space-metal car, this yellow robot can freaking rock the house.

Many of the Transformers transform into some extreme forms of overcompensating cock-waving. But not Bumblebee. He doesn’t need to be a fighter jet, a semi-truck, a tank, or a fucking dinosaur. This guy is a goddamn yellow Volkswagon Beetle. This is one Transformer who is comfortable with what he’s got ‘under the hood’.

Fiercely loyal and brave almost to a fault, Bumblebee continually throws himself into the fray to help his friends. He is often commissioned to play a messenger or scout role because of his relatively small size (as far as alien robots go) but you never see him running from a fight. Bumblebee’s tactics and sheer nerve have carried the Autobot forces to victory time and time again.

Christina Hendricks (Newbs)

Image: Christina Hendricks @ Serenity Premiere. CC-BY.

Description: Christina Hendricks is a famed female actor of the modern era. Her best known TV appearance is as Joan Holloway in the hit drama Mad Men. She also played the character Saffron in two episodes of Firefly which rank as some of the hottest in television history.

Special moves: Taking over the internet every time she is photographed.

What others are saying: “Titties.” – Newbs

Mons’s Goblin Raiders (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

4th Edition Magic the Gathering had no rival for the strength of the goblins. Often found hanging around with their orc cousins (remember orcs?), goblins were the backbone of any red deck, and Mons’s Goblin Raiders were the path to victory.

The fury of the goblins could not be contained by any army. There were just too many of them, and they all used goblin war drums to distract your defenders. Players the world over still wake up in cold sweats and stale fear, remembering the quaking terror they felt as they were crushed by wave after wave of 1/1 goblins.

Razor Ramon Hard Gay (sulci)

Image:Razor Ramon Hard Gay. CC-BY.

Description: Hard Gay is a tight bodied Japanese man of impressive stature. His quest is noble: to perform acts of charity. This sometimes (always) leads to awkward situations as Hard Gay’s mission for social improvement also includes his black PVC fetish getup.

Special moves: Pelvic thrusting along to the sweet rhythm of Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ la Vida Loca.”

Famous lines: “HOOOOO!,” “Say say say!”

James K. Polk (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Polk was the eleventh President of the United States and he had big brass balls the size of honeydew melons as evidenced by the fact that he survived gallstone surgery at age seventeen with nothing but a little brandy as anesthetic.

As president, Polk was ballsy enough to threaten war with England until they agreed to split the Oregon territory. Polk then annexed Texas ignoring threats from Mexico which led to the Mexican-American war and the acquisition of the California territory.

It is definitely un-pc to glorify a bloodthirsty expansionist but without him Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, Oklahoma and Louisiana would be the western border of America.

Lando Calrissian (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: This guy goes from being a politician pussy whipped by the Galactic Empire to a general in the Rebel Alliance and pilot of the Millennium Falcon during its run as Death Star destroyer in the span of a single standard year.

Special moves: Alter ego Billy Dee Williams urinating in the same bathroom as Newbs.

Famous lines: “They told me they fixed it! I trusted them to fix it! It’s not my fault!”

Samus Aran (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Samus is a bounty hunter who always seems to be on one mission or another when her ship gets blowed up and her armour suit wrecked. Then she’s on a different mission, looking for ways to juice up her suit and get the hell back to whatever she does for fun. Raising pet metroids or something.

Special moves: Screw attack.

Famous lines: Doesn’t have any.

Battle cry: Doesn’t need one.

Q (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Description: Introduced in the very first episode, “Encounter at Farpoint,” Q is an immortal and omnipotent alien from the race that makes up the Q Continuum.

He is the driving force behind the main story arch of Star Trek Next Generation. His humour and mischief brought about some of the most comical and memorable moments across three difference series of Star Trek. He once gave Riker the power of a Q and romantically pursued Janeway in Voyager.

Questions: What exactly is a Q?

Death: None, he’s immortal.

Quote: “He’s devious and amoral and unreliable and irresponsible and… and definitely not to be trusted.” Captain Jean-Luc Picard

George Washington (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Born in Virginia in 1732 he soon grew to a towering six foot two giant of a man in the day when five foot nine was considered tall. He survived a life and death struggle with the smallpox virus at age nineteen and went on to fight the French in the French and Indian war at the age of Twenty-two. During this time he learned the arts of war, leadership, bravery and persistence.

In 1775 he was appointed commander in chief of the continental army. He took the position knowing that the revolution was almost certainly doomed to failure and failure would mean disaster for him and his family. Washington lost many battles against the larger and better trained and equipped British army yet never surrendered and kept his army in the field until final victory in 1783. He then did the unthinkable by refusing the offered crown as George the First of America.

As the father of a country his cock must be totally awesome.

Barney Stinson (Weskimo)

Image: CBS.

What can you really say about Barney Stinson? He’s everything a man should be. He drinks every day, he sleeps three hours every night, and he has multiple sex partners. He’s doing everything right! Barney lives his life by the oldest and most sacred Code of all: The Bro Code. A strict Code dedicated to helping out other bros through thick and thin…unless, you know, he has got something going on at the time. The other bro can probably handle it.

Barney is famous for his mysterious corporate job, his totally awesome suits, and his almost inhuman skill at laser tag. But perhaps his most colossal accomplishment is the creation of “The Playbook”, a book where he has documented all of the “Plays” that bros can use pick up chicks. Some of the gems of this text include the “He’s Not Coming,” the “Ted Mosby,” and the incredibly involved “Scubadiver. ” Did you know he also doesn’t get sick? That’s right. Whenever he starts to feel sick, he just stops being sick and is awesome instead. True story.

Famous Lines: “Legen-wait for it…DARY!,” “Challenge accepted!,” “Haaaaaaaave you met Ted?,” “What UP!”

Battle Cry: “Suit up!”

Special Moves: Suiting up. Being awesome. Having had more than 200 sexual partners. High fives.

Chewbacca a.k.a. “Chewie” (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Chewbacca is the heroic co-pilot of the Millennium Falcon. His travels with infamous smuggler, Han Solo are the stuff of hairy legend. Chewie’s role in the Rebel Alliance was pivotal against the Empire. His achievements during that time include carrying C-3P0 around on his back, grunting, and commandeering an AT-ST walker.

Special moves: Violently spinning in Super Return of the Jedi.

Famous lines: “Warrrr waaaaarrrr waaaa”

What others are saying: “What a wookie!” – Supernova

Merfolk of the Pearl Trident (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

These aquatic warriors are the key to the success of any blue creature attack, flapping their fins around, waving their pointy weapons, and costing one blue mana all over the place. Don’t mess with these guys. Seriously. They’ll stick you.

Back in 1995, these guys were one of blue’s most reliable creatures. They didn’t bounce back to your hand when they actually do something, and they can attack your opponent without having to repeatedly mutate his lands into islands. These guys were the real trident-head of the assault.

What Others Are Saying: “Are merfolk humans with fins, or are humans merfolk with feet?”

Special Moves: Costing 1 blue mana. Tridenting things.

Princess Leia (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Princess Leia was instrumental in the fall of the Empire during the Galactic Civil War. She was responsible for transferring to R2-D2 the Death Star plans, allowing the rebels to exploit a weakness found within those details. Unlike her ugly-ass brother, who was raised by moisture farmers, Leia was adopted by royalty because she was blatantly the superior of the two.

Special moves: Kissing her brother.

Battle cry: “Someone get this big walking carpet out of my way!”

What others are saying: “I know.” – Han Solo

Arwen (Newbs)

Image: New Line Cinema.

Description: Arwen is the youngest, and hottest, daughter of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell. Some claim that she has the magical ability to summon a river to do her bidding and use it to sweep away nothing less than a rampaging team of Black Riders.

Less controversially, she wound up marrying the king of men at some point, and managed to live to be 2901 years of age.

Achilles (BloodLark)

Image: Dr.K. CC-BY-SA.

Description: The child of Thetis the nymph and Peleus King of the Myrmidons.

Achilles is the main character in the Iliad. Being a great warrior, he played an important role in the battle of Troy. Achilles also pissed off Apollo by defacing his temple. His legend lives on today in the idiom “Achilles Heel.”

Questions: Why didn’t his momma double dip?

Death: Killed by an arrow in the heel that was shot by Paris.

Quote:
Sing, goddess, of Achilles ruinous anger
Which brought ten thousand pains to the Achaeans,
And cast the souls of many stalwart heroes
To Hades, and their bodies to the dogs
And birds of prey

Nikola Tesla (BloodLark)

Image: Public domain.

Description: It is thought that Tesla had synaesthesia. He also had the astonishing ability to fully mentally build any of his inventions. He would never commit anything to paper before he had fully examined and proved a concept in his own mind. Tesla and Edison were adversaries since Tesla promoted AC and Edison was promoting DC. Tesla patented designs for AC motors, and things like a primitive radar device. Some of the ideas he worked on were a “death ray,” the wireless transmission of electricity, and energy shields. Tesla was definitely a man who could see well beyond the scope of his time.

Questions: What could Tesla have done if he had access to our level of technology?

Death: Died of heart failure in 1943

Quote: “I do not think there is any thrill that can go through the human heart like that felt by the inventor as he sees some creation of the brain unfolding to success… Such emotions make a man forget food, sleep, friends, love, everything.”

George Lucas (MerrGe)

Image: Wikimedia. CC-BY-SA.

Description: George Lucas is an American producer, screenwriter, director and billionaire. He has been nominated for numerous Academy Awards and has won several life time achievement awards. He has donated millions to charities and has been credited on such movies as American Graffiti, Indiana Jones, The Land Before Time (yeah, the dinosaur one), and Labyrinth. Not enough for you? Well how about this:

THIS MAN CREATED STAR WARS. The movie series that revolutionized special effects, pop culture and the entire sci fi genre. The movie series that gave birth to some of the most badass characters in movie history (the man invented Darth Vader for cryin’ out loud!). The movie series that gave us some of the most awesome and recognizable sound tracks in history (did someone say Imperial March?). The movie series that gave us The Force, lighsabers, Death Stars, and The Dark Side. The movie series that brought science fiction back to the mainstream, and revitalized the entire genre to pave the way for all the other recent science fiction movies and tv series that probably would of never seen the light of day without it. And I’m sure that everyone who saw these movies when they were young remembers watching them for the first time. So lets show a little appreciation for the man that made this all possible, shall we?

Felicia Day (Newbs)

Image: felicia.day. CC-BY.

Description: Along with being an accomplished film, television, and commercial actor, Felicia Day is an internet superstar and geek goddess. She stars in The Guild, a popular web series which she also created and writes. She also played Penny in the great internet musical, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Felcia starred in the most romantic commercial of all time.

Geoffrey Rush (BloodLark)

Image: Anthony Chu. CC-BY-SA.

Description: Currently most commonly known as Captain Barbossa from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Rush has received attention for his role in The King’s Speech. He also has had several darker roles such as Stephen Price in House on Haunted Hill and the Marque de Sade in Quills. His acting ability has been acknowledged by several awards, such as an Oscar for his role in Shine.

Questions: Where else have I seen him?

Death: Not dead yet.

Quote: “When you get to tongue kiss Kate Winslet and get paid for it, you say: I’ll sign!”

Jack Sparrow (Newbs)

Image: Walt Disney.

Description: Jack Sparrow is the grooviest pirate to ever sail the high seas of confusing plot twists and irrelevant battles. His charm and wit have propelled him into the league of super-star womanizers. Over his impressive pirating career, Sparrow has managed to rack up a 10,001 guinea bounty and membership in the exclusive Brethren Court. Sparrow’s fighting style has lead even Wikipedia to note that his weaponry consists of “anything conceivable.”

Battle cry: Savvy?

The Pikmin (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Pikmin are small, plant-like creatures which live among the other small things of the world. Pikmin live in flying onions which also protect them from night-time dangers. When organized, Pikmin are capable of complex archaeological and construction jobs. Depending upon the specific race, Pikmin are capable of many different tasks. Some can carry bomb rocks, others can survive in water, some are capable of great strength, and some are even poisonous.

Pikmin come highly recommended as support staff following a spaceship crash.

Trix Rabbit (Weskimo)

Image: General Mills.

The tricksiest rabbit of them all, the Trix Rabbit hops circles around each and every box of Trix, just waiting for some poor kid to look away from his bowl of delicious fruity cereal for a couple of seconds. This dastardly bunny disguises himself with every manner of G-rated deceit imaginable in constant attempts to confuse and confound children aged 5-12. He even went so far as to place a fake mail-in plebiscite on boxes of cereal to trick kids into voting “yes” to allow the rabbit to eat Trix.

General Mills, confused by this, but sure that it must have been authorized somewhere along the corporate conga line of decision making, awarded the incredibly clumsy rabbit with a bowl of cereal. It turns out that Trix tastes like fruity victory.

What others are saying: “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!”

Captain Falcon (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Falcon leads a double life as a bounty hunter and accomplished futuristic racer. His skin-tight blue uniform reveals a carefully sculpted raw and masculine muscle structure, with his nipples alone being the stuff of legend.

As a bounty hunter, the captain is as deadly off the tracks as he is on. His Falcon kicks and Falcon punches are understood by participants in fighting tournaments to be of special destructive power.

Battle cry: “Show me your moves!”

Image: Star Wars Attack of the Clones. Lucasfilm.

Five years ago, I declared Cock Wars open for stupidity with the intention of running it annually for six years (based only on the fact that there are six proper Star Wars films with titles for me to parody). Well, we’re nearly there.

This is the very last year that you have to let your voices heard in the profound War of the Dicks. Post your nominations for contestants in the comments section below. Remember: no repeats from previous years allowed, and volunteering to write the description for your nomination greatly raises the chances of your competitor being accepted into the actual competition.

The first Cock Wars 2011 “polls” will open Thursday, March 31, 2011, and will run for exactly one week. This will go on every Thursday for a total of six weeks, when a champion will be declared.

That’s not all for Cock Wars this year, however, as Return of the Johnson will immediately be followed by Cock Wars: The Blown Wars. This will be a faster, 16-entrant competition featuring previous Cock Wars champions, near-champions, and disqualified candidates. After two weeks of this, an overall god will be declared, and I will at long last be freed of this childish distraction.

For the less familiar Cock Warriors, please read the FAQ which follows.

What is Cock Wars?

Cock Wars is the ultimate battle for supremacy in the universe. Competitors use their strength of dong to claim superiority over others.

How does it work?

I will post the polls on the front page of ShufflingDead, you vote for who you think is the most awesome in each, the winner moves on to the next round. Polls will run for a full week, and, until the final, four will be posted at a time.

How do I vote?

Polls will be run here on the front page of ShufflingDead. Anyone can vote, provided he or she has the coordination to select a contestant in each poll.

Who is eligible for Cock Wars 2011?

Basically any real person, fictional character, organization, or entity ever is a viable contestant. Historical figures, real or fake company mascots, real or fake companies, movie characters, comic book characters, book characters, TV show hosts, video game characters, etc. Anyone or anything you can think of! Repeats from Cock Wars 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010 are NOT allowed.

Get your nominations in now by posting them in the comments section below. I’m far more likely to accept your nominations if you simultaneously volunteer to write those nominees’ descriptions.

How many contestants will there be?

64 contestants, with four entrants per poll.

How long will it last?

Less than two months!

When does it start?

The first four polls will open Thursday, March 31, 2011. Those polls will be closed the following Monday, when four new polls will open.

Will there be character descriptions this year?

I personally despise writing the character descriptions, but we’ve had a lot of fun over the last couple years with volunteers handling the bulk of write-ups. My hope is to have user-submitted descriptions become the norm, so if you’d like to volunteer and make my dream a reality, let me know along with your nominations.

As the first round came to a close, it seemed this would truly be Stargate‘s year. Jack O’Neill, Daniel Jackson, Rodney McKay, and Teal’c all moved on to the second round.

The quadrant championships were hard fought, and what was sixteen became four. Greats like Sulu and Bourne were knocked out by the likes of Jack O’Neill, Megatron, V, and Rodney McKay.

The final battle lasted a week, with an initial round of voting resulting in an inconclusive tie between Rodney McKay and V. Those two moved on to a single day run-off in which the most loyal of voters registered their allegiances. In the end, McKay took the poll by a single vote, and became the 2010 Cock Wars Champion.

The polls for this mighty competition of poll are now open, and your input can be input right here. For more on this important piece of pop culture cluster-fuckery, see the FAQ, and check out the battle bracket.

The polls for this mighty competition of poll are now open, and your input can be input right here. For more on this important piece of pop culture cluster-fuckery, see the FAQ, and check out the battle bracket.

Alpha Quadrant

Saul Tigh v. Dr. Horrible v. Beetlejuice v. Jack O’Neill. Re-examine the descriptions here.

Beta Quadrant

Megatron v. Terror v. Daniel Jackson v. Jack Skellington. Re-examine the descriptions here.

Gamma Quadrant

Sulu v. Rodney McKay v. Most Interesting Man in the World v. Tyranids. Re-examine the descriptions here.

Delta Quadrant

Jason Bourne v. Terrans v. V v. Teal’c. Re-examine the descriptions here.

Jason Bourne – description by Weskimo

Super soldier, super spy, and government-owned and operated assassin, Jason Bourne is one of the world’s most dangerous men. With aliases around the world, he can move and blend anywhere, anytime. He is highly trained in combat, be it hand-to-hand, firearms, or even explosives. After shaking off his government assassin conditioning, he was hunted savagely by the organization he used to work for unquestioningly. But despite all of their resources and several more “assets” like Bourne, they couldn’t take him out, he left them all in the dust, bashing their heads against the wall in frustration. Through masterful evasion, surveillance, combat, and a few intense car chases, Bourne defeated entire government agencies, and still had time to stop and pick up the girl on the way.

Special moves: Handing out beatdowns with choppy camera angles.

Kirby

Eight inches of pure pink puff, Kirby is a stubby, rotund eating leviathan. He hails from the land called Dream, and can absorb the powers of his enemies to exploit their abilities.

Kirby has gone on numerous adventures, traveling lands far and wide to vanquish evil and end tyranny. He once took down the arrogant King Dedede, who had taken over Dream Land and stolen the food of its residents.

Kirby’s abilities are limitless, thanks to his power-stealing suck maneuver. He’s been known to transform into everything from a revved-up wheel to Link, the hero of time himself.

Bellatrix Lestrange – description by Weskimo

Bellatrix is the Dark Lord Voldemort’s best and most powerful lieutenant. Ruthless in her pursuit of the Dark Lord’s favor, she endeavors to please him in any way possible, using her obvious sociopathic tendencies to inflict as much pain as possible, upon whoever possible. An extraordinarily skilled witch, she has had many successful encounters with the Order of the Phoenix, her most famous accomplishments being the torturing of Frank and Alice Longbottom into permanent insensibility and the murder of Sirius Black. She is not like some of the other wizards in Voldemort’s army, who view Muggles and Muggle-born wizards as beneath their notice. They might shrug off a Muggle’s presence, or swat it away uncaringly. Bellatrix takes cruel delight in causing pain, and is definitely the type to play with her food before she kills and eats it.

Special move: Laughing maniacally.

Famous lines: “I killed Sirius Black! I killed Sirius Black!”

What others are saying: “NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!” – Molly Weasley

Slippy Toad – description by Weskimo

Slippy is a member of the StarFox mercenary squadron. Despite his high frequency of needing to be rescued by the more serious members of his team, Slippy is a highly valued member for his light-heartedness and general happy-go-lucky, come-what-may nature, not to mention his spectacular mechanical skills. Ladies, let me lay it out for you: He’s a highly paid mercenary. He’s a pilot. He can fix your car. And he’s got one hell of a tongue. What else could you ask for?

Famous lines: “Fox, get this guy off me!”

What others are saying: “Slippy, get back here!” – Peppy

President Dr. Gaius Baltar

Gaius Baltar began the Second Cylon War on decidedly the wrong foot. He discovered that his lover was a Cylon spy, and that in working with her on the defense systems of the Twelve Colonies, he had actually given up the security of the human race, risking its very survival. Baltar followed up his genocide of humanity by sleezing his way aboard the Battlestar Galactica and doing everything possible to ensure his own comfort.

Over the course of the war, Baltar transformed himself from selfish bastard to caring leader and man of the people. Gaius became the elected President of the Twelve Colonies, and led his people to the comforts of New Caprica. It was during his presidency that the good doctor also banged his way through just about every remaining attractive woman the human species had left. Baltar concluded the war as leader of a monotheistic cult in which he re-banged all the best ladies.

Famous lines: “If we knew God’s will, we’d all be Gods, wouldn’t we?

Alan Garner – description by jen

Alan Garner is a fictional character from the movie The Hangover. In the movie, Alan is a groomsman for his soon to be brother in law, Doug. Together with Doug’s two other groomsman, they head down to Las Vegas for a fun filled bachelor party the night before the wedding. The next morning, the three groomsmen wake up, with no memory of the previous night, and soon realise that Doug is missing. The suite is in severe disorder, a tiger is in the bathroom, a baby is in the closet, one of the groomsman is missing a tooth and has an ATM receipt for $800 from The Bellagio, one of the suite’s mattresses is impaled on a statue outside, the other groomsman is wearing a hospital bracelet, and a valet brings them a stolen police cruiser they dropped off the night before. Oh, and theres a fucking chicken walking around. At any rate, Alan proves that though he may be slightly socially inept, and a bit of a “ruh-tard,” he means well. Really, anyone who survives an encounter with a full grown tiger, a crazy naked Chinese guy, and a taser, well his cock must be large enough.

Famous lines:
“You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack… it grew by one. So there… there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, “Wait a second, could it be?” And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!”

Battle cry:
Hey you guys ready to let the dogs out?
Ha ha! Drivin’ drunk. Classic.

What others are saying:
“Would you please put some pants on? I feel wierd having to ask you twice.”
Not you, fat Jesus
Don’t let Alan drive, because there’s something wrong with him.

Special move: Finding bad ecstasy.

Kakashi Sensei – description by BloodLark

Being a mysterious man, only the ramen man and girl get to glimpse his awesome visage. Kakashi Sensei has had a rough life, when Sasuke said he hoped that Kakashi would lose all those he cared about he just answered that they were all dead already.

A laid back kind of guy he is often late. This is because he is too absorbed in the newest Make Out novel, for those who don’t know it’s an erotic book series. Once Naruto even used Kakashi’s love of this series against him by threatening to ruin the ending of the newest novel.

Being a powerful S class ninja, Kakashi has many skills and abilities. He is known as the “Copycat Ninja” for his sharingun ability to mimic any move. He has his own special technique of Chiordi. It’s basically a lightning blade on his hand that sounds like a bunch of birds chirping.

He is a badass, a perv, and totally dedicated to his team.

Terrans – description by MerrGe

The Terrans are the human faction in Starcraft. They are physically similar to humans of the twenty-first century, but are slowly evolving into a psionically potent race, although they are still generations from reaching their full potential. The genetic basis was brought from Earth during the “Long Sleep.” At present, only a small number possess psionic powers. The terrans of the Koprulu Sector descend from the survivors of a 23rd century colonization mission from Earth that was made up of convicts and other “expendables.” Compared to the Protoss and Zerg, the Terrans are highly factionalized and endure frequent wars amongst themselves in addition to the more recent conflicts with their alien neighbors. Just like the humans of today, they are constantly fighting and backstabbing, but can still unite in the face of a common enemy. They then go back to fighting each other.

The Terrans have greatly advanced their technology since the 21st century. The descendants of the Long Sleep have the ability to create space stations, memory modification, teleportation technology, embark on faster than light travel and communication holograms. They also tend to attatch jet engines to important buildings so they can fly away if need be. Terrans have access to artificial intelligence that is widespread in use and is reasonably sophisticated, at least in software. Terrans have developed advanced weapons of war, such as giant space battlecruisers, siege tanks, nuclear weapons, Ion Cannons, and cloaking devices. Militarily, Terrans have developed the ability to quickly repair their vehicles and structures in the field. The key in terran warfare is their flexibility, which they use to outmaneuver and annialate all that oppose them.

Famous lines:
“Need a light?”
“Somebody call for an exterminator?”
“I can’t build it. Somethin’s in the way.”
“Comm-link online”
“In case of a water landing, you may be used as a flotation device.”

Battle cry: Gimme something to shoot!

What others are saying:
“Nuclear launch detected.”
“Your brain… it is somewhat limited.” – Zamara commenting on terran mental prowess.
“We could not unite under one banner or even form a coalition. In fact, every time there was a chance for that, one faction or another did something to enhance the advancement of their own political agenda over the other factions. Often at the expense of the rest of humanity.” – Michael Liberty

Special move: “Nuclear missile ready.”

Captain Montgomery “Scotty” Scott

Montgomery Scott was born in Linlithgow, Scotland in 2222. From those humble beginnings, Scotty would rise through the ranks of Starfleet, serving as Chief Engineer of the USS Enterprise for many years. His time there was spent repeatedly saving his Captain’s ass, one James Tiberius Kirk. As such, Scotty played an indispensable role in the historic five year mission of the Enterprise, and the development of the United Federation of Planets.

Scotty stored himself in a transporter buffer as a means of staying alive in an accident during his retirement. Thanks to this last great example of technical wizardry, Scott was able to live into the 24th century, and meet Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise-D.

Famous lines: “I’m giving her all she’s got, Captain!”

What others are saying: “Beam me up, Scotty!” – non-Trekkies incorrectly quoting Star Trek

V – description by Psycho_Limey

Vacant is the visage of this vapid population. Our vagility only vainglory in our vallation of this velitation that is today.

V stands, valiantly, a vedette against those virulent vermin, so vicious in their vapulatory victimization of society.

Our V, a vaudevillian veteran, by his own voice the vestige of the vox pupuli, vanquishes the voracious venerer of our freedom. Valorous this vafrous vadelect of we the vulgus volunteers vulnerary to our vexating and virose society.

Voilà! V stands victorious not vanished as our volition. Violently this visitation concludes, V stands vivified, vowing his verticity against the vicissitudes of fate.

In short, VOTE.

Zeus – description by BloodLark

Zeus is a god who cut open his father’s stomach to retrieve his siblings. He also had such a bad headache one day that he had his buddy Hephaestus split his head open. Interestingly, a fully developed Athena popped out. Being quite an amorous man he is infamous for his many sexual escapades, much to the fury of his wife Hera. He has only 30 or so bastards, some of the more famous mortals being Hercules, and Helen of Troy.

Gifted with thunder and lightning bolts, Zeus was known to have quite the temper. He put one silly mortal on a burning wheel for eternity when he tried to rape Hera. No one messes with his woman but him, like when he hung her upside down in the sky for trying to kill Hercules.

He did know how to reward those he liked, though. He gave one rather cunning man three times the life span for agreeing with him in saying men enjoy sex more than women.

So in the words of a great man: “Zeus father of Apollo of Mount Olympus. Don’t fuck with me or I’ll shove a lightning bolt up your ass Zeus!”

Chad Kroeger – description by jen

You know who Chad Kroeger is. His name is synonymous with douche and bad Jesus-like hair. He is the lead singer, the face, of the Canadian band Nickelback, a shame which we all must face. “Few bands inspire such intense hatred as Nickelback” (USA today), and as their lead, Chad Kroeger has done much to prove that he is one of the biggest cocks in music today.

Famous lines:
“I wrote this song when I was high on Magic Mushrooms”
“I definitely consider myself a songwriter first because that’s my best attribute. I’ll never be the best guitar player. I can definitely make more of a mark with my song writing.” (ha)

Battle cry: I am not a leader of men, since I prefer to follow.”

What others are saying:
“Chad Kroeger named his band “Nickelback” after the hooker asked him for a refund.”
“Chad Kroeger qualified for sumo wrestling at the age of 14 because his head was filled with 500 lbs. of douche.”
“Nickelback are a gnarled, vulgar band reveling in their ignorance of the very notion of taste, lacking either the smarts or savvy to wallow in bad taste so they just get ugly, knocking out knuckle-dragging riffs that seem rarefied in comparison to their thick, boneheaded words” – Stephen Thomas Erlewine of Allmusic

Special moves: Drunk Driving. Fighting with pickles on Facebook. Punching furniture salesmen, and getting sued for it. Breaking in and stealing from his junior high school. Getting into fights at bars and strip clubs. Seriously, the guy is working on a decent criminal record.

Andre the Giant – description by sulci

When he first started training to become a wrestler in France as a teenager in the 60s, no one was brave enough to train with such a hulk of a man. At 7″4 (over 2.2 meters tall) and weighing around 500lbs, its sort of hard to blame anyone.

Hulk Hogan actually tore a back muscle slamming him in the WWF ring, and said Andre felt like he weight “more like 700lbs.” Andre was the first inductee into the WWF Hall of Fame.

He also had a career in acting, notably playing Fezzik in the Princess Bride. Another notable achievement is unofficially being crowned “The Greatest Drunk on Earth” for once consuming 119 12-ounce beers in 6 hours.

What others are saying: When André was in a bar one night, four men came up to him and began harassing him about his size. At first, André attempted to avoid confrontation, but eventually he proceeded to chase the hecklers until they locked themselves in their car. André then grabbed the car and turned it over with the four people trapped inside.

Teal’c – description by Fiona

Teal’c is an alien member of SG1 in the Stargate TV series. He is a Jaffa, which means he carries a larval Goa’uld symbiote in his stomach, the infant form of the “bad guys” in the show. The symbiote gives him a heightened immune system as well as increased strength. He lacks knowledge in Earth customs, but is very curious and highly humorous when he interprets things literally or the wrong way. Teal’c is pretty much the epitome of awesome; he’s brave, honourable, has a great sense of humour and can kick just about anybody’s ass.

Famous lines:
“Indeed.”
“Things will not calm down DanielJackson. Things will in fact calm up.”
“Undomesticated equines could not remove me.”

What others are saying:
“Teal’c’s like, the deepest person I know!” – Daniel Jackson
“Way to go Junior!” – Jack O’Neill, about Teal’c’s symbiote whenever it saves him from something life-threatening

Special move: Having a Goau’ld symbiote in his stomach. It makes him all strong and invincible and stuff.

Optimus Prime – description by Weskimo

Leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime leads from the front. Any Autobot offensive is preceded by the gleaming grill of Prime’s semi-truck alternative form. Though generally kind-circuited and deeply respectful of all life, Optimus Prime is no slouch when it comes to dropping the hammer. A towering powerhouse, his might has been a constant barrier to Decepticon victory. As the Autobots and Decepticons battle each other across the galaxy, you will always find Prime in the thick of it, turning the tide with his plasma rifle and unwavering resolve. Some might describe him as a reluctant warrior, but Optimus Prime is the posterchild for the phrase “Peace through Superior Firepower.”

Famous lines:
“Now all we need is a little Energon, and a lot of luck”
“As long as power flows through any of my circuits, Megatron, I’ll fight you.”

Special moves: Running over Decepticons. Pissing off Megatron.

Counterspell – description by Weskimo

One of the most feared instruments of any blue wizard’s weaponry, Counterspell is the ultimate in negation. A well-placed Counterspell can throw off the most carefully planned strategies, instantly turning the duel from certain defeat to shit-eating glee. Counterspells make up the backbone of control decks and transform every battle from a mere game into an agonizing assault on your opponents dignity.

Battle Cry: “Nope!”

What others are saying: “Sigh…”

Special moves: Side effects may include feelings of inadequacy and impotence.

Captain Hikaru Sulu

Hikaru Sulu served aboard the USS Enterprise as Helmsman with the rank of Lieutenant under James Tiberius Kirk during the ship’s historic five year mission. It was during this time that Sulu once, under the influence of an inhibition-stripping contagion, chased crew members around with a foil, shirtless.

Sulu was eventually promoted and went on to captain the USS Excelsior. His bold command of the ship during the time of the Khitomer Conference prevented the assassination of the President of the United Federation of Planets by rogue Klingons, averting potential war.

Sulu is known for having a unique, slightly musical, voice.

Famous line: “Oh my.”

Battle Cry: “Fly her apart then!” – in response to being told his ship is traveling so fast it will fly apart.

Special moves: Fencing, two-handed punch.

Cake – description by sulci

Cake is quite clearly one of the best food items in the entire world. I feel like I have written everything that there is to be said about cake. To know it is to eat it.

What others are saying: “I am not strict vegan, because I’m a hedonist pig. If I see a big chocolate cake that is made with eggs, I’ll have it.” Grace Slick

Hymn to Tourach – description by Weskimo

Two mana. Two cards cards discarded. Randomly. Hard to argue with the reality of how powerful this single spell can be. A player hit by a single Hymn to Tourach will find himself at an immediate disadvantage as the crippling effects of the spell cause him to lose his mind in impotent frustration.

Battle Cry: “Fuck you.”

What others are saying: “sigh…”

David Bowie – description by sulci

Watch the video below, it will explain everything.

Further evidence? Just Google bowie bulge. You will be rewarded. This man’s dick literally has a cult following of it’s own.

What Others are Saying: “He is supposed to be a young girl’s dream…”

“I enjoyed the Cirque du Soleil but some of the guys had some serious Bowie bulge going on.”

Doctor Rodney McKay – description by Fiona

Doctor Meredith Rodney McKay is a brilliant scientist who joins the Atlantis expedition in the Stargate series’. McKay is one of the foremost experts on the Stargate, and can solve just about any technical problem thrown at him. He is unbearably arrogant and condescending, which is always a problem exacerbated for everyone around him by the fact that he generally is right about everything. McKay’s endearing qualities are his seldom apparent insecurities with personal relationships and his loyalty to his teammates. However, he is sarcastic and extremely impatient with anyone he feels is “dumber” than him (i.e. everyone). Mckay’s biggest fear is children.

Famous lines:
“Yes of course it worked. I’m already onto the next problem.”
“I’m sure I do [look crazy], but only because Dr. Fumbles McStupid over here was in WAY over his head!” – said about another of the scientists

What others are saying: “Does super-ego count as a power?” – John Sheppard, when Rodney has a device that gives him “superpowers”

Special move: Being annoyingly brilliant and almost always right.

Alucard – description by MerrGe

Alucard is pretty much the ultimate badass vampire. (a.k.a. The Anti-Cullen). An ancient vampire that is bound to the leader of the Hellsing Organization, Integra Hellsing. The Hellsing Organization is dedicated to hunting down vampires and other monsters. Basically, it’s Alucard’s job to be stronger and kick more ass than the things he hunts (which he does easily). He may work for the good guys, but being a vampire, he’s still sadistic psycho, and a self confessed monster who loves fighting, death, and blood. If someone or something gets in his way, he will kill it in a usually overly brutal manner and will love every second of it. He tends to look down on other vampires who slaughter innocents and considers such things beneath him. (He’s looking for a challenge, after all). His usual way of killing things is to shoot them with his pair of giant pistols, or to impale them with his hands.

Over the course of his tenure with Hellsing, his powers have grown to make him near invincible, and include: the ability heal absolutely any wounds, even after being literally shot to pieces (he actually seems to enjoy doing this, I think he likes the looks on peoples faces). He doesn’t care about crosses, Holy Water, or decapitation – though he does worry slightly about silver bullets, as they take some time to regenerate from. He’s got psychic skills, like the famous third eye, as well as hypnosis. He can walk under the sun, but he hates it. He can fly, disappear at will, change into mist, bats, worms, shadows, blood stains, monstrous dogs, or horrible unknown beasts with hundreds eyes and tentacles. He also possesses superhuman strength and senses, as well as a snappy dress code.

Famous lines:
“You are less than inhuman. A pitiful defect, a failed science project. Sending you to your maker would be an act of mercy. Your regeneration powers’ impressive, but I bet if I put enough bullets into your skull you will stay down for good. So let’s cut to the chase. Start begging.”
“Resignation is what kills people. Once they’ve rejected resignation, humans gain the privilege of making humanity their footpath.”
“You act more like a cockroach than a proper vampire. Left to your own devices you would cover the world in your filth. I can’t stand your kind. You don’t have the self-respect to be a vampire, you undead maggot. You barely even know what you are.” – Alucard’s opinion on Edward Cullen, uh, I mean artificial vampires. >_>

What others are saying: “You monster.” (I get that a lot – Alucard)

Special move: Brutally killing everyone in the room in the most violent and stylish way possible.

Lucius Malfoy – description by Weskimo

A lieutenant of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Lucius is one of the strongest dark wizards around. Being of purely wizardly descent himself, he has a deep disdain for all those not born to the same status. Half-breeds and Muggle-born wizards, and even magical creatures like House Elves and Giants, are not worthy of respect, or even regard. He is a skilled puppet-master, manipulating other wizards and even governments into seeing his point of view. And when normal means of negotiation are exhausted, he makes his targets feel the end of his wand. Yeah. THAT wand.

Special move: Being a slimy bastard. making not-so-veiled threats

Fox McCloud – description by Weskimo

Fox McCloud is the leader of an elite mercenary unit called Star Fox. Originally captained by his father, Fox finds himself jetting along into the family business. With his team of expert pilots and robot mechanics, Star Fox contracts itself primarily to the Cornerian Army, Corneria being a friendly planet with very lacking military capabilities, and home to countless breeds of furries. Corneria’s most serious threats are the forces of Andross, who desires to rule the furpiles of Corneria with his monkey faces. Determined to save the innocents of Corneria from being denied their right to yiff in peace (for a fee, of course) Fox and crew sets off to defeat Andross. Armed with state-of-the-art Arwing fighters, Landmaster tanks, and a sizable personal mothership, Fox McCloud is a force to be taken seriously… despite his questionable lifestyle choices.

Famous lines: “Sorry to jet, but I`m in a hurry.”

What others are saying:
“Pretty smooth flying, Fox.” – Falco
“Do a barrel roll!” -Peppy

The Most Interesting Man in the World – description by Weskimo

He’s got women. He’s got money. He’s got influence. He’s wrestled a grizzly with his bare hands. He’s a man’s man. Women want to be with him, and men want to be him. A seriously amazing beard rides shotgun on his chiseled face, taunting you with awesome. And always willing to share with others his insights and life experiences. He doesn’t often drink beer, but when he does, he prefers Dos Equis.

Famous lines:
“Find out what it is in life that you don’t do well…and then don’t do that thing.” – On Careers
“Stay Thirsty, my friends”

Special Moves: Seducing women. An amazing beer ad campaign.

Yiffy, Overlord of Furry porn – description by sulci

Yiffy is someone I made up who universally represents the icon of a proud alpha male furry who can’t be drawn or imagined unless you also imagine an 18″ beast of a dick.

What people can only imagine or fantasize about in real life, Yiffy is the 2D overcompensation of it. Hardcore furries would make him into a fur suit. It being massive (literally beyond human) wang, DDD cup human breasts, along with predatory sexual urges, being fit enough to fuck all day and night, as well as a super cute and cuddly face. All while simultaneously grunting “Yiff” over and over again.

So what exactly is a Yiff?

From the dictionary:

1. (noun) Sound supposedly made by mating arctic foxes.
2. (acronym) (or more backronym) YIFF or Y. I. F. F. – “Young Incredibly Fuckable Furry”
3. (noun) More or less (usually more) sexual act. Commonly used by furries, usually denotes standard intercourse but may denote any kind of sexual behaviour between any type and number of parties (imaginary anthro creatures, humans, animals, even inanimate objects like plushies).
4. Expression of joy (by furries)

Captain Hammer – description by Fiona

Captain Hammer is the “superhero” in Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long Blog, making him Dr. Horrible’s arch nemesis. He antagonizes Dr. Horrible every chance he gets, taunting him, stealing his girl, and disrupting his plans of Horribleness at every turn (usually by accident… he’s pretty, but not all that bright).

Captain Hammer is a narcissistic douche who is used to getting what he wants because his fans are constantly fawning all over him. He steals Penny away from Dr. Horrible by helping her open a homeless shelter called Caring Hands, and then in his opening speech makes it clear that he has nothing but disdain for the homeless, and was only looking to score with Penny (which he did). The final fight scene has Hammer attempting to kill Horrible with his own Death Ray, but it explodes instead, hurting Hammer, probably for the first time in his life. He runs off crying.

Famous lines:
“I’m gonna give Penny the night of her life, just because you want her. And I get what you want. See, Penny’s giving it up, she’s giving it up hard. Cause she’s with Captain Hammer. And these… [holds up his fists]… are not the hammer. [Walks out, then back in again.] The hammer is my penis.”
“Everyone’s a hero in their own way! You, and you, and mostly ME! And you.”
“Oh, I’m in pain. I think this is what pain feels like!”

What others are saying: “Idiot!” – Dr. Horrible
“He’s a really good looking guy and I thought he was kind of cheesy at first… but, he turned out to be totally sweet.” – Penny, misled
“Hammer… meet nail!” – Dr. Horrible, about himself

Special move: Superhuman strength and resistance to pain.

Quetzalcoatl

Literally the “feathered-serpent,” Quetzalcoatl is a Mesoamerican deity who is believed to have invented books and the calendar. He also bestowed corn upon humanity.

Quetzalcoatl is said to have made the modern incarnation of man by gathering the bones of previous races and granting them new life with blood from his penis.

Chief Galen Tyrol

Chief Galen Tyrol served aboard the Battlestar Galactica as its Deck Chief during much of the Second Cylon War. His serious and frequently gloomy demeanour didn’t affect his luck with the ladies during this time, banging both Sharon Valerii and Cally Henderson, the latter of whom eventually became his wife.

Tyrol worked as president of the Worker’s Union on New Caprica, where he fought for his socialist ideals. He was also vital in the resistance movement during the Cylon occupation of New Caprica.

Upon settling on New Earth, Tyrol set out alone for a land which would eventually be known as Scotland, and he became Tribal King of the Scots.

Famous line: “There must be some kind of way out of here.”

Special move: Getting resurrected.

Marcus Fenix – description by Weskimo

Badass incarnate. Marcus Fenix is the leader of the Delta Squad of the COG Army. His cynical attitude has not won him many friends with high command, but his unmatched skill in battle and the effectiveness of his team is undeniable, and so he is thrown out as the COG’s “only hope” again and again. Though he might appear to be a hard and uncaring soldier, his dedication to the mission is above and beyond the call of regular duty. When faced with the usual hordes of enemies and insurmountable odds, Delta Squad falls back on their foolproof tactic: punch right the hell through, with Fenix leading the charge.

Special moves: Curb stomping, Chainsaw bayonet

What others are saying: “You are the support, son!” – Hoffman

Famous Lines: “That was nasty! What are these guys made of, shit?”

Cairne Bloodhoof – description by sulci

With over five million health and a huge herd of bovine to follow his every command, Carine is leader of the ancient Tauren race. He resides on a rock called “High Rise” (so very metro!) and in his spare time rescues babies with Thrall.

He has a strange and somewhat disturbing fixation on orcs. Some would say its because of their similar shamanistic culture, I however think it may just be a thing for green skin.

Famous lines: “You greenskins fight with savagery and valor. I am intrigued.”

What others are saying:
“…Cairne being killed would make an awful lot of sense considering the tone of the expansion: upheaval. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a fan of Cairne since I first saw him in WC3. However, something like this would cause tremendous rifts to form within the horde… my storytelling senses tell me that in a story named “Cataclysm”, people aren’t going to die peacefully.” – LanceOmikron

Tyranids – description by MerrGe

From the blackness beyond the edge of our galaxy they come, driven by ravenous hunger that knows no end. These creatures have many names, for all races have come to loathe and fear them. They are the Great Devourer, the Doom of All Things, the Penance of the Elder Gods, the Shadow in the Warp. They are the Tyranids, and they have come to consume us all.

The Tyranids are utterly alien. They are creatures of visceral horror, implacable monsters with dagger-like fangs and razor-sharp claws that can tear a man apart in the blink of an eye. Each one of the myriad of Tyranid warrior-creatures is a killing machine, perfectly adapted to slaughter its victims. They are the ultimate predators, and we are their prey.

The Tyranids’ numbers are beyond imagining, a swarm so vast that it blocks out the very stars. Yet this mighty host is bound by the implacable will of a single unfathomable intelligence, a gestalt sentience known only as the Hive Mind. Under the influence of this ancient consciousness, the Tyranids function in perfect unison, driven by an immortal hunger that has fed on entire civilizations since time immemorial.

The Tyranids do not communicate with other races, and why should they do so? They are as far above life forms such as Mankind is above the domesticated livestock it consumes. The Tyranids cannot be reasoned with, appeased, or surrendered to. There can be no hope of mercy from such a foe.

To face the Tyranids is simply a matter of survival: “Kill or be consumed” -Tyranid Codex

Famous lines: “…”

Battlecry: “…”

What others are saying: “There is a cancer eating at the Imperium. With each decade it advances deeper, leaving drained, dead worlds in its wake. This horror, this abomination, has thought and purpose which functions on an unimaginable, galactic scale and all we can do is try and stop the swarms of bio-engineered monsters it unleashes upon us by instinct. We have given the horror a name to salve our fears; we call it the Tyranid race, but if it is aware of us at all it must know us only as Prey” – Inquisitor Czevak
“ARGGGHHHHHHHH!”

Admiral William Adama

Admiral Adama was a veteran of the First Cylon war, where he fought as a a Raptor and Viper pilot. At the dawn of the Second Cylon War, Adama found himself commander of the Battlestar Galactica, and the highest ranking military officer still alive.

During their pursuit of the few remaining survivors of the initial Cylon attack at the opening of the Second Cylon War, the Cylons found Adama to be an elusive and, indeed, unbeatable opponent.

Adama would ultimately fend off Cylons, terrorists, politicians, and mutineers, and lead humanity to Second Earth. There, he built a cabin and live out his life in solitude, having saved his species from destruction.

Battle cry: “Frak.”

Bobby Kotick – Description by sulci

CEO and president of Activision Blizzard and bringing home a paycheck of nearly 15 million dollars in 2008, Bobby K is a well known figure in the Game Industry. He is famous for pushing $100 million franchises, new games with expensive peripheral controllers, and promoting a culture of fear and thrift in his companies.

Activision Blizzard pumps out huge games including the Call of Duty, Guitar Hero, Tony Hawk, Warcraft, Starcraft, and Diablo series. Unfortunately his business model has incited a lot of anger from people who enjoy cheap and innovative videos games.

That being said, he is bringing home a $15 million dollar paycheck, people! Why the fuck would he care about what you think?

Famous lines: If it was left to me, I would raise the prices even further.

What others are saying: Kotick doesn’t play his games, and it shows.

Special move: Keeping people focused on: depression, skepticism, pessimism, and fear.

Megatron – Description by Weskimo

Megatron is pure robotic evil encased in Energon-fueled armor. A total megalomaniac, his authority among the Decepticons of Cybertron is absolute. He tolerates no dissension in the ranks of his followers. Ruthless in his displays of power, Megatron rules with an iron fist with a mounted antimatter cannon. His only real rival for power in the universe is Optimus Prime, the Autobot leader, and he callously cuts his way through Autobot and Decepticon alike to do battle with his nemesis.

With his strength beyond contestation, he leads his force of heartless brutality in a headlong charge of Autobot death and destruction. He is the ultimate machine of cold, calculated disdain for life and order, Megatron is what they had in mind with the phrase “survival of the fittest.”

Special move: Making Starscream his bitch.

Famous lines: “It’s over, Prime!”

Lady Sylvanas – Description by sulci
Before being brutally captured, tortured, mutilated, and finally killed by Arthas and brought back as an undead, Sylvanas was Ranger-General of Silvermoon, the highest military leader of all elven forces. She rebelled against the mind control forced on her by the Lich King and gained control of a banshee army to become leader of the Forsaken, the Banshee Queen.

She is a military genius who has to defended against the Scourge, the Scarlet Crusade and the alliance, adept at war strategy, the bow, and necromancy. Having killed all the enemies which would stand in her way, she rules the Plaguelands, leading the Forsaken.

Famous Lines: “A quick death…like the one you gave me? No. You’re going to suffer as I did. Thanks to my arrow, you can’t even run. Give my regards to hell, you son of a bitch.”

What others are saying: “Imo sylvanas is one of the coolest things in world of warcraft aside from garrosh(cuz moar pvp yus <3) and the horde itself. but if she really wants to just get rid of her curse she should sacrifice herself in destroying "frostmourne" not arthas without frostmourne the lich king is an undead with nothing but twigs and rocks, then she wouldn't be evil and a well known hero .lol vilu-andorhal"

Commander “John” Shepard – Description by Weskimo

A member of the Spectres, Commander John Shepard is authorized to do whatever it takes a get the job done, and he uses that authorization to the fullest. He operates outside the law, but in a very real sense, he IS the law. Though he is perfectly willing to talk his way through a confrontation, Shepard has a no-nonsense attitude and shows no hesitation when the time comes to drop the hammer. He leads his team of crack specialists around the galaxy, convincing problem clans that the will of the Council is in their best interest: possibly at the point of a rifle barrel.

Famous Lines: “You assume I give a damn. That’s cute.”
“We don’t have time to deal with this idiot. Charge!”

What others are saying:
“Why is it that when someone says ‘With all due respect’ they really mean ‘Kiss my ass’?” -Ashley Williams
“I’ll be right behind you…that armor, it is in good condition?” – Tali’Zorah nar Rayya

Zerg – Description by MerrGe

The Zerg are a terrifying and ruthless amalgamation of biologically advanced, arthropodal aliens. Dedicated to the pursuit of genetic perfection, the Zerg relentlessly hunt down and assimilate advanced species across the galaxy, incorporating useful genetic code into their own, and exterminate any species that might corrupt the purity of the Zerg genome. Zerg do not use technology, instead they assimilate other species and use directed mutation to develop traits to match such technology. Even their equivalent of spaceships and tanks are organic creatures.

They were created by the Xel’Naga and originally controlled by “The Overmind.” The Overmind eventually grew out of control and overthrew its creators and began to expand out into the galaxy, devouring all that stood in it’s path. The Zerg discovered the Protoss,and believing that the combination of Zerg and Protoss would create the perfect species, they set about devouring their worlds and nearly destroyed the Protoss’ once mighty empire, eventually even overrunning the Protoss home world of Aiur.

The Overmind was later destroyed and a former human turned Zerg named Kerrigan took over the swarm. She allied with the Terrans and Protoss to fight off the Earth UED forces, then stabbed them in the back while they were weakened and started to build up power for a final attack to finish off the Terrans and Protoss.

Famous lines:
“Awaken my child, and embrace the glory that is your birthright. Know that I am the Overmind; the eternal will of the Swarm, and that you have been created to serve me.” – The Overmind
“My children, the hour of our victory is at hand. For upon this world of Aiur shall we incorporate the strongest known species into our fold. Then shall we be the greatest of creation’s children. We shall be… Perfect.” – The Overmind
“Spawn more Overlords.”
“The Hive Cluster is under attack!”

Battle cry: Live for the Swarm!

Special move: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKE!!!!!!

Vash – Description by MerrGe

Vash is a very lighthearted, expert marksman that tries to promote love and peace. He lives on a desert world colonized by Earth that has many similarities to the wild west. It is a lawless world where the strong thrive and weak are trampled underfoot. Vash is know as Vash the Stampede and “The Human Typhoon” and is thought of as something of a natural disaster or ‘act of god’ (at least for insurance purposes) because wherever he goes, disaster follows. This is typically due to no fault of his own and is usually caused be people trying to hunt him down for his $60,000,000,000 bounty.

He refuses to kill and his body is covered in severe wounds that are the result of his nonlethal methods. Despite this he is an incredibly skilled gunman and his reflexes are good enough to dodge bullets. He masks his skill with feigned klutziness, stupidity, and ridiculously good luck. Examples include ‘accidentally’ dodging bullets by dancing, or just happening to be sitting in exactly the right spot to not be killed in some horrific manner like a hail of gunfire. Vash isn’t actually human and houses an incredible power that he can’t always control, and has several times destroyed cities (Hence the original bounty) and put a hole in the moon.

Famous lines:
I meditate diligently every morning. The subject is Life and Love. I quit after three seconds.
I’m like a hunter of peace. One who chases the elusive mayfly of love… or something like that.
My name is Vash the Stampede! Ladies and gentlemen forgive the lack of warning, but I’m afraid it’s time for my daily massacre. And if you don’t believe I’m the real thing take a long look at me and start freaking out!” (He yelled this at some town people to get them out of the town so the wouldn’t get hurt)

Battle cry: Love and Peace!

Special move: Suspiciously good luck and a well placed bullet.

Terror – Description by Weskimo

A welcome addition to any arsenal of death and destruction. Terror is a quick and painless way for a dark lord such as yourself to properly punish any who foolishly inspire your wrath. Minions large and small cower under the threat of the Terror spell, forever fearful of your concentrated will descending upon them and inflicting its horrifying incapacitation. Victims of Terror seldom have more than mere seconds to contemplate their own mortality before their lives are snuffed out forever.

Battle cry: “Nope!”

What others are saying: “Sigh…”

Lieutenant Commander Worf, son of Mogh

Worf is a Klingon who was adopted by humans and grew up in the Federation, his struggle to reconcile his human upbringing with his Klingon heritage has defined his life.

He served aboard the USS Enterprise-D as the ship’s Security Chief for a number of years under the command of Starfleet’s greatest hero, Captain Jean-Luc Picard. During his time on the Enterprise, Worf would face many strong enemies, including the Borg, and that’s before they were pussified by Voyager. As the ship’s Security Chief, Worf often suggested conflict as a tactic of first resort.

Worf later transferred to Deep Space 9 as a sort-of liaison to the Klingon Empire, and his service there led him into battle against swarms of some of the galaxy’s toughest foes. On one mission, Worf fought hand-to-hand against dozens of Jem’Hadar, a genetically engineered species made for war, in a row.

Battle cry: “Death to the opposition!” – During a friendly game of baseball.

Special move: Two-handed punch.

Kevin Smith – Description by Weskimo

Actor, screenwriter, director, comedian, and lovable bitter fat man, Kevin Smith is one of the world’s greatest embodiments of Awesome. Listing his accomplishments and projects in full would take far too long, but this is the man responsible for Clerks, Clerks 2, and Mallrats, outstanding commentaries on life and nerd culture. He’s also the man to blame for Chasing Amy, where Ben fucking Afleck turns a lesbian girl straight. Tell me that’s not reaching beyond the realms of normal creativity! Kevin Smith is a success, and has the hatemail to prove it. He received approximately 10,000 pieces of hatemail and 3 death threats regarding his movie Dogma, largely for making a reference to the virgin Mary and her husband “getting down” post-Jesus. Happy nerd fan base, pissed off Catholics, and enough money to keep his ass in two plane seats, this man has everything he needs to win Cock Wars.

Special moves: Writing ridiculous movies, getting kicked off airplanes for being too fat.

Famous lines: “Now you’ve gotta spend two thousand bucks to stay at my house. And for five, I’ll let you photograph my wife in the shower.”

What others are saying:
“Damn Silent Bob! You one rude motherfucker! But you’re cute as hell (slowly drops to knees). I wanna go down on you, and suckle you (makes blow job neck-jerks). And then, I wanna line up three more guys, and make like a circus seal…” JAY makes blow job faces down an imaginary line of guys, looking like a performing seal. He then hops up quickly.
“Ewwww! You fucking faggot! I fucking hate guys! I LOVE WOMEN!” – Jay

Pie – Description by sulci
Pies are baked dishes, made of a pastry dough shell that may contain any number of fillings, including fruit, beef, chicken, cheese, mushrooms, vegetables, chocolate, ice cream, or any other food that someone thought it would be a good idea to put a pie crust on. Pie’s popularity was boosted slightly in the late 1990′s when it was featured in a popular teen movie as a masturbation aid.

Pie must survive the Beta quadrant of Cock Wars in order to face off against it’s arch enemy, Cake.

Famous Lines: “3.14159265358979323846264338327950288…”

Special Move: Cream pies. I know you’ve seen a few of them, you perv.

Doctor Daniel Jackson – Description by Fiona

Doctor Daniel Jackson is a member of SG1, a fantastic sci-fi team who travel the universe and save Earth from certain doom like, a million times. Daniel is an archaeologist and linguist, and represents the humanitarian aspect of the team; he is the civilian voice in the flagship team of a military organization.

Daniel has an uncanny habit of coming back from the dead, having done so a number of times. He also has an alien girlfriend on just about every planet (“alien” meaning only that they aren’t from Earth. Trust me, they’re all pretty hot). If those two facts alone aren’t enough to secure your vote, Daniel is also super smart, reliable and very altruistic (he actually cares more about other people than he does himself).

Famous lines:
“Oh, well, my translation is a little bit vague. Um, I think the circle means ‘the place of our legacy’…or it could be ‘a piece of our leg’ but the first seems to make more sense.”
(About a Swiss submarine) “So it occasionally catches fire but they keep perfect time? …. sorry. I think I’ve been hanging around Jack O’Neill too much.”

What others are saying:
“No more beer for you.” – Jack O’Neill
“DanielJackson” – Teal’c

Special move: Coming back to life. And banging alien chicks.

Loki – Description by BloodLark

Loki is the crazy and mischievous brother of Odin. He is famous for shape-shifting and shenanigans. Theft never being below him, he’s stolen a goddess’ hair, and Freya’s beloved necklace. He even pissed a dwarf off enough to cause the dwarf to sew his mouth shut.

Many of Loki’s children are linked with doom and destruction. Jormungand, the world snake, will cause the world to end when he lets go of his tail. His son Fenrir, father of all badass wolves, is predicted to try and kill Odin.

Then there is Sleipnir, an 8 legged horse. Want to know the crazy thing? Loki gave birth to this one himself. Yes boys and girls he made himself a mare so he could get some of the horse cock. Loki is often open to cross-dressing and gender bending. He once was a bridesmaid to Thor’s bride.

Loki, on one last note, definitely gets a Major Dick mention. He not only killed Balder, a god most loved, he will also play a major part in the world ending with giant burning doom. If only this god of mischief could learn to lighten up.

Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, a.k.a. Lady Gaga – Description by jen

Bursting on to the pop music scene a couple years ago, Lady Gaga has taken the world by storm with her singing talent, her crazy fashion sense and stage performances, and of course, those nasty stories that she has, or at one time had, a penis. Everything with Gaga is a spectacle designed to elicit the maximum reaction possible. It’s not a technique she pioneered, but it’s propelled her from an unremarkable-looking Upper West Side teenager with the ungainly name Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, to an androgynous, mysterious, global pop icon named Lady Gaga (NY Times). Everything the woman does is ballsy, and as Entertainment Weekly describes, “whether it’s a dress made of Muppets or strategically placed bubbles, Gaga’s outré ensembles brought performance art into the mainstream.” Love her or hate her, her place in pop culture is solidified and she continues to prove that whatever penis she possessed, it must have been huge.

Famous lines:
“The idea that we equate strength with men and a penis is a symbol of male strength, you know, it is what it is. But like I said, I am not offended at all, but my vagina might be a little bit upset.” – On rumors she has a penis
“My grandmother is basically blind, but she can make out the lighter parts, like my skin and hair. She says, ‘I can see you, because you have no pants on.’ So I’ll continue to wear no pants so that my grandma can see me.” – On not wearing pants

Battle cry:
“Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance”

What others are saying:
“Personally, I love Lady Gaga simply because she creeps me out.” – random fan
“You know that feeling you get in your ears when a plane is descending and they won’t pop, and your whole head hurts? Add getting stabbed in the eye and that is Lady Gaga to me” – Todd
“Like any worthy performance artist, Lady Gaga actively encourages debate and speculation about who she is: Bisexual? A transvestite? A hermaphrodite? Of this planet?” – NY Post

Special move: Not wearing pants. Ever. Also singing.

Angel – Description by jen

Angel is a vampire from the series Buffy the Vampire, played by David Boreanaz who was hot enough to get his own show when the series eventually died. Admittedly, I never watched it, but according to Wikipedia the show details the ongoing trials of Angel, a vampire whose human soul was restored to him by gypsies as a punishment for the murder of one of their own. After more than a century of murder and the torture of innocents, Angel’s restored soul torments him with guilt and remorse. During the first four seasons of the show, he worked as a private detective in a fictionalized version of Los Angeles, California, where he and a variety of associates worked to “help the helpless” and restore the faith and save the souls of those who have lost their way. Typically, this involved doing battle with evil demons or demonically allied humans, primarily related to Wolfram & Hart, a demonic law firm. He also had to battle his own demonic nature. Sounds like he has a big cock to me! Also, he fucked Buffy.

Special moves:
Fucking Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Not sparkling in the fucking sunlight.

Jack Skellington – Description by Weskimo

One of Tim Burton’s best characters ever, Jack is the Pumpkin King of Halloween Town. Master of fright, Jack’s perpetual quest is to find new and scarier ideas to further terrify ghoul and goblin alike. Though he does make one rather disastrous attempt to expand his holiday horizons into Christmas, Jack’s true understanding is the element of Halloween, where he can really be himself. Darkness, fear, undeath, these things are Jack’s passions. Jack is an amazingly charismatic skeleton and possesses incredible single-mindedness and enthusiasm to go wherever his new ideas take him.

Special move: Dating the redhead ragdoll.

Famous Lines: “Am I on your list, Santa?”

Saul Tigh is a 2000 year old humanoid Cylon and survivor of the lost 13th tribe. He worked as the Executive Officer of the Battlestar Galactica under the command of William Adama during the Second Cylon War. Saul’s years of military experience, both real and implanted, helped him to outsmart the cold and unrelenting attacks of many Cylons.

Tigh led the New Caprica Resistance against Cylon occupation, a task which ultimately led to his imprisonment and the tearing out of his eye.

Throughout the course of the Second Cylon War, Saul Tigh managed to overcome numerous grueling hardships, including his horrible wife, his horrible wife’s death, and his horrible wife’s rebirth.

Battle cry: “Frak.”

Special move: Functioning alcoholism.

Jake/Tom Sully’s Avatar – Description by sulci

Pray tell me, what could be more bad ass and testosterone-inducing than a wheelchair ridden, almost-bald, renegade space marine doing chin-ups on his door bar?

How about a wheelchair ridden, almost-bald, renegade space marine “driving” his twin-brother’s ten foot avatar in a love making session with a Pandorian Princess under the Tree of Souls? Eventually this Avatar body is given permanently to Jake Sully when the Na’vi do a ceremony which links his mind to the avatar’s body, giving Jake the chance to have a fully functioning body, and resume his life as a nomadic hunter, pterodactyl tamer, and we can only assume, start his new life with the newly mono-go-mated Neytiri. What a man Na’vi.

What others are saying: “This low gravity will make you soft. And when you get soft, Pandora will eat you whole…” – Col. Quaritch

Special Moves: Bow and Arrows, Hand to Hand Combat, Connecting his queues with beast and women alike.

Thrall, Son of Durotan – Description by sulci

Born and raised in blood, poverty, and the chains of the Alliance, Thrall (meaning ‘slave’ in human tongue) overcame all odds and rose to become the Warchief of the Horde. Over his lifetime he has managed to make several working relationships with Human ladies of the Alliance, specifically Taretha Foxton (some would describe this relationship more of a brother/sister relationship, but I say why stop there?) and Jaina Proudmoore (is it really all business??), which may indicate that although his outside appearance is rather green and gruff, his lady skills are top-notch. Thrall even takes the time out of his hectic diplomatic schedule crushing the puny Alliance to do quests for his Grandmother in Nagrand. Classy.

Battle Cry: KEK

What others are saying: “Thrall and Jaina sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G; He can be done easily with a 40 man raid if done right.”

Set – Description by BloodLark

The Egyptian god Set was very good at pissing the other gods off. His arch enemy is Horus and he had more than one run in with Osiris. Set completely dismembered Osiris, and later, while fighting Horus, Set took Horus’ eye. Unfortunately, Horus cut off his balls in turn. Even without his prized testes Set was known for being quite the ladies’ man and a skilled lover. This always seems to be the way with gods. Presumably before the loss of his jewels, Set fathered many children with several different women.

Set has been worshiped as the head and most important god on several occasions. He has had thousands bow down before him and isn’t one to shy away from getting his hands dirty. It’s really unfortunate that no one really knows what the hell his animal is. Like most Egyptian gods, Set is often depicted with an animal head. Unlike most of the gods, no one is really sure what the heck he’s supposed to be. Some say a donkey, a jackal, and even maybe an aardvark. So I will end with a joke.

A Serpent guard, a Horus Guard, and a Set guard meet in the dessert. It is a tense moment. The Serpent guard’s eyes glow. The Horus guard’s beak glistens. The Set guard’s nose drips…

Johnny Rico – Description by Weskimo

Johnny Rico is the consummate soldier: dedicated, athletic, and unquestioning. Give him the order “take the hill!” and he will, whatever the cost, in spite of the odds. Like the rest of the Mobile Infantry, he possesses rather low overall worth, so Rico finds himself thrown into ambush after ambush as the human race is outsmarted by giant Bugs. But that’s when the Infantry is most dangerous; when it’s trapped with nowhere to run.

Rico is the worst of the bunch, whether it’s leading an undermanned squad to rescue the frigid bitch who just dumped his ass for a total cocksnob or single-handedly sawing a hole in a mountain-sized Bug and implanting a grenade into it’s back, Rico proves himself to be the dumbest, luckiest, and most single-minded soldier in the galaxy.

Battle Cry: “Come on, you apes! You wanna live forever?!”

Special Move: Wild uncontrolled bursts of rifle fire.

Dr. Horrible – Description by Weskimo

Web-logger and would-be super villain, Dr. Horrible has serious aims for destroying the status quo (which is NOT quo). He has his sights set on ruling this mess of a world by entering the notorious Evil League of Evil. Despite his PhD in Horribleness (with a minor in Honors Awesome), there is only one thing standing in his way into the League: his desperate crush on his exceptionally hot redhead laundromat friend, Penny. This all goes out the window when his nemesis, Captain Hammer, bangs her. Consumed by jealous rage, Dr. Horrible is inspired to new heights in his criminal career. His frequent lapses into fully accompanied song shift away from his usual vagueness and take on a determined tone as he is driven towards the murder of Captain Hammer. With a death finally in his own hands, Dr. Horrible is able to truly see himself for the perfect villain that he is. Admitted into the Evil League of Evil at last and his nemesis defeated, the world quakes with fear at their first view at real masterful Horribleness.

Famous Lines: “This is the one. Stops time. Freeze Ray. Tell your friends.”

Special Move: Spectacular song soliloquies.

The Imperium of Man – Description by MerrGe

Their soldiers are legion. Their might unmatched throughout the galaxy. Their billions of citizens toiling away on thousands of worlds. This is the Imperium of Man, proud commanders of the galaxy, guided by the Immortal God Emperor, a living warp god among men. Surrounded on all sides by hellish rivals, The Imperium fends them off with its mighty army and holy fleet, struggling to save its people. From the mightiest chapter master to the lowest guardsman, all serve the God Emperor. His priests preach his name. His soldiers strike down his enemies. His blessed fleets level their opponents. None can stand against the Imperium. Few dare try.

The God Emperor of Mankind is the supreme ruler of the Imperium. He keeps the astronomicon whole using his mind, allowing ships to travel through the warp. He was grievously injured in a fight with his favored son when the latter was turned to Chaos. His last few living cells are in the golden throne, allowing him to stay alive. Those who fight in his name are legion:

• The Adeptus Astartes Space marines are superhuman, genetically engineered to be the ultimate killing machines. They wear power armor, which enhances their strength and speed, and carry some of the deadliest weapons in the Imperium.

• The Imperial Guard are normal, everyday soldiers. Each is willing to die for the Emperor. Their weapons are worse than those of space marines but are still deadly. They are generally viewed as expendable, hurled in their thousands against enemy lines.

• The Collegio Titanicus: Commanders of the mighty Titan legions, they wield incredible power. Titans are capable of leveling cities, and are a potent reminder of the fate that befalls enemies of the Imperium.

• The Inquisition: They have nigh unlimited power to command the forces of the Imperium in the name of fighting the Mutant, the Heretic, and the Xenos. They can authorize the use of the Imperium’s greatest weapon of last resort: Exterminatus. The power to destroy worlds.

Famous Lines:
“All the Emperor requires of us guardsmen is that we stand the line, and we die fighting. It is what we do best, we die standing.”
“Mercy is a sign of weakness”
“There is no such thing as innocence, only degrees of guilt”
“Heresy grows from idleness”
“Life is the Emperor´s currency, spend it well”

Battle Cry: “For The Emperor!”

Special move: Throwing wave after wave of men at a problem until it disappears.

Fog – Description by Weskimo

Description: The ultimate dealer of dismay for your overconfident opponents, deploy a Fog to drive players insane with rage.

Let them carefully assemble their armies before you, planning out the ravaging that you both know is coming. Let them believe that you are quaking in fear of your impending doom. Let them relish the feelings of triumph as they unleash their monstrous hordes upon your own meager forces. Let them perfectly execute every move that should seal your fate.

Then watch with shit-eating glee as their victorious and gloating visage melts away, leaving only vendetta-inducing frustration.

Battle cry: “Nope!”

What others are saying: “Sigh…”

Special move: A 1 casting cost “fuck you.”

Ayumu “Osaka” Kasuga

Osaka was a transfer student from, that’s right, Osaka, who attended an unnamed Japanese high school where she befriended a group of wacky, sweet, and generally kind girls. During her high school career, Osaka often acted strangely, daydreamed constantly, and focused on issues most would consider irrelevant, such as the type of bread she would be eating during a bread-eating contest. Ayumu completed school with the dream of becoming a teacher, something which her high school teacher considered a personal offense.

Battle cry: “Oh my Gah!”

What others are saying: “Osaka is plain, small-breasted, and feeble.” – Wikipedia

Bono – Description by jen

Bono is the lead singer of the popular band U2, and has become famous for his work outside his band with the poor and such. He has had such a successful musical career that he can see no other levels to try to reach, so he has branched out. Bono has made great leaps forward in the field of douchery, arrogance, and self-importance. Just like his bank account, his cock is monstrous, but don’t worry, he uses it to fight oppression in third world countries.

Famous lines: “I’m representing the poorest and the most vulnerable people. On a spiritual level, I have that with me. I’m throwing a punch, and the fist belongs to those people who can’t be in the room, whose rage, whose anger, whose hurt I represent. The moral force is way beyond mine.”

Battle cry: “Uno…dos…tres…catorce!”

What others are saying:
“One…two…three…fourteen? You’re a drunken asshole, Bono.” -anyone who speaks Spanish
“I am still trying to figure out who appointed Bono ‘spokesperson for the poor.’” -Kevin Gray

Special move: Aviators

Edward Cullen – Description by jen

Edward Cullen is a vampire from the popular series Twilight who develops an unhealthy obsession with the book’s main character, Bella Swan. It was stalk at first sight. Luckily she is okay with it, and she seems to have no other goals in her life but to be the obsession of a pretty boy, and the books revolve around their stupid and overly melodramatic undying (heh, undead) love for one another.

After reviewing his behaviour towards Bella, you realize that it’s a damn good thing that he is good looking because his advances are creepy, stalker-like, and actually pretty damn alarming.

The Twilight series, and more specifically, Edward Cullen, set up all men in relationships for failure as all the little tweens who read the books use them as a relationship handbook. Well, news for you tweens: I know you want your latest man-boy crush to be hungry for your company, but Edward is actually going to fucking EAT HER. At any rate, the guy should be voted for as his cock is not only the subject of many a woman’s dreams, but because he probably has been the biggest source of cock block in the history of fictional characters.

Battle cry: “Do I dazzle you?”

What others are saying: “Fuck Edward Cullen.” – Weskimo

Special moves: Sparkling in the fucking sunlight, being emo.

Beetlejuice – Description by Weskimo

A wildly unpredictable “bio-exorcist”, Beetlejuice delights in terrorizing the living and takes immense pride in his ability to do so. Taking the term “over the top” to a new level, Beetlejuice flails around the neitherworld making frequent comedic use of his abilities to change his shape to however best horrify, or entertain, anyone who happens to be in his disgusting presence.

Beetlejuice was accidentally summoned to the world of the living and set himself upon angsty teenager Lydia and her family, but reconciled with her and became her friend in return for a lucrative cartoon show contract.

Special Move: Maniacal laughter

What others are saying: “Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!”

Captain Benjamin Lafayette Sisko

With the death of his wife during the battle of Wolf 359 at the hands of one Locutus “Picard” of Borg, Ben Sisko found his life crumbling around him. He had to deal with raising his son alone, and his career was stalling out. Life’s frustrations were so great that he even considered resigning after being nominated for a command position at Deep Space 9.

Sisko’s arrival at DS9 changed all that. He discovered a stable wormhole to a distant part of the galaxy, and met with a strange race living inside that wormhole called the Prophets. Those aliens turned out to be the gods of the Bajorans, and Sisko’s meeting with them made him a vital religious figure, the Emissary.

Sisko’s meeting with the Prophets made him decide to stay in Starfleet, and his command of Deep Space 9 would ultimately become one of the most important positions in Starfleet history. Sisko played an indispensable role in the defense of the Federation during the Dominion war, working with the Federation’s new Klingon allies, and tricking the Romulan Star Empire into joining the cause as well.

Battle cry: “The best is yet to come.”

What others are saying: “It’s a FAAAAKE!” – Vreenak

Tiger Woods – Description by sulci

One of the most successful golfers of all time, and the until very recently, the highest-paid professional athlete evar. Some of his accomplishments include winning 14 professional major gold championships, 71 PGA tour events, 16 World Golf Championships, and most recently winning ShufflingDead.com’s VIP of the SFL (sport-fucking league) award this year. No longer able to hold up his good boy image when allegations of infidelities with another woman, Rachel Uchite were publicized. Since then dozens and dozens of women, including models, hostess, and porn stars, have stepped forward to confess that they too have slept with the Tiger, who was already happily married with two children, to a super hot Swedish model.

2010 Has brought Tiger Woods from being a golf superstar to the front cover of every tabloid and news site for weeks and weeks. Fear not for Tiger Woods, as he has already announced he has already ended his “indefinite” leave from golf and don’t worry! He is already back to getting endorsed, this time by Microsoft for Windows 7.

Famous lines: “I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.”

Battle Cry: “I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you… Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own”

Special move: Ass to mouth

Colonel Jonathan “Jack” O’Neill – description by Fiona

Jack O’Neill (that’s “O’Neill” – two ls!) is the star character of the popular sci-fi show Stargate SG1. Pulled out of retirement to head the flagship team at Stargate Command, O’Neill is a special ops trained Colonel of the United States Air Force. He and his team (SG1) explore other planets through the stargate, an alien device capable of transporting matter (and people) across the universe in a matter of seconds. They kick bad guy ass wherever possible, and save Earth from certain destruction more times than is really plausible (they are just that awesome).

O’Neill has a history of insubordination, inappropriate sarcasm and jokes, and likes to play dumb about anything “sciency.” It takes a lot to earn his respect, but once earned he is a loyal friend who can be counted on in any situation. He has a sharp sense of humour, and staunch moral code – “we don’t leave our people behind!” Jack O’Neill puts the lives and well being of those under his command far ahead of his own, and never hesitates to do whatever it takes to get things done.

Famous lines:
“Yasureyabetcha!”
In response to Daniel’s “Hathor was the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music,” “Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll?”

What others are saying: “Well, it’s just that I’ve never actually heard you referred to as a diplomat. I think, um, antagonist was the word used.” –Daniel Jackson

Special move: Saving the world, despite billion to one odds. EVERY time!

Shigeru Miyamoto

Shigeru Miyamoto was hired in 1977 by Nintendo at the age of 24 to be a staff artist. In 1981, the company found itself afloat in unsold arcade cabinets for a game that had flopped, and on the verge of financial ruin. Mr. Miyamoto was asked to head up a project to replace the arcade cabinets with a game of his own design, and what he created would change the face of gaming forever. Donkey Kong introduced gaming paradigms which echo through time and continue to define the very core of video games. He created the story before the gameplay, a first in the industry, he introduced the concept of jumping to avoid obstacles, and he popularized the use of multiple levels. The game also introduced the world to the most successful and recognizable video game character of all time: Mario.

Following Donkey Kong, and for nearly 30 years, Miyamoto has continually introduced the world to memorable characters and exciting new game franchises, including The Legend of Zelda, Star Fox, Nintendogs, and Pikmin. Shigeru has been the driving force within Nintendo for revolutionary new types of game controls, including the N64′s joystick, and the Wii remote.

Mr. Miyamoto is a Chevalier of the French Ordre des Arts et des Lettres and recently recieved a BAFTA Fellowship Award.

Famous lines:
“Video games are bad for you? That’s what they said about Rock n’ Roll.”
“A delayed game is eventually good, a bad game is bad forever.”

What if everything that you see, is more than what you see? The person next to you is a warrior and the space that appears empty is a door to another world? What if something appears that shouldn’t? You either dismiss it or accept that there is more to the world than you think. Perhaps it is really a doorway, and if you choose to go inside, you’ll find many unexpected things.

Also be sure to check out all of the contestant descriptions submitted by our readers: Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta.

>>Click here to engage in Cock Wars!<<

What is Cock Wars?
Cock Wars is the ultimate battle for supremacy in the universe. Competitors use their strength of dong to claim superiority over others.

How does it work?
I will post the polls in the Cock Wars 2010 forum, you vote for who you think is the most awesome in each, the winner moves on to the next round. Polls will run for a full week, and, until the final, four will be posted at a time. The full Battle Bracket is available here.

How do I vote?
You must register a forums account to vote. Since the polls are also forums threads, you can post promotional items, and bitch merrily as the polls run.

Who is eligible for Cock Wars 2010?
Basically any real person, fictional character, organization, or entity ever is a viable contestant. Historical figures, real or fake company mascots, real or fake companies, movie characters, comic book characters, book characters, TV show hosts, video game characters, etc. Anyone or anything you can think of! Repeats from Cock Wars 2006, 2007, 2008, or 2009 are NOT allowed.

Get your nominations in now by posting them in this thread or the comments section below. I’m far more likely to accept your nominations if you simultaneously volunteer to write those nominee’s descriptions.

How many contestants will there be?
64 contestants, with four entrants per poll.

How long will it last?
Less than two months!

When does it start?
The first four polls will open Monday, April 5, 2010. Those polls will be closed the following Monday, when four new polls will open.

Will I hate you, this website, and humanity when this is all over?
The hatred over Cock Wars has subsided in recent years.

Will there be character descriptions this year?
I personally despise writing the character descriptions, but we had a lot of fun last year with volunteers handling the bulk of write-ups. My hope is to have user-submitted descriptions become the norm, so if you’d like to volunteer and make my dream a reality, let me know along with your nominations.

Ultimately, the war came down to a single battle. Ares, god of war, become the Alpha Quadrant champion. The maniacal Joker won the Beta championship. Batman conquered the Gamma Quadrant. And Neil Patrick Harris slew all comers in the Delta Quadrant. Those four then came together for a contest of testicular strength, in a culmination of wang so lengthy and girthy as to be almost unimaginable.

These four battled one another with honour and a might of cock worthy of the deepest respect. As the contest began, it quickly became obvious that Batman and his nemesis The Joker would be no match for the likes of Ares and NPH.

The battle wore on; Ares pulled ahead, then Harris. The two struggled, one outdoing the other. The fight continued like this for a full week. Eventually, Ares tired of the fury Harris was able to lay down, and he eventually succumb to the might of the former child actor.

Neil Patrick Harris: former child star, cameo god, internet musical sensation, and sitcom actor, has achieved a glory so great, its significance is immeasurable, he is the Cock Wars 2009 champion.

Frog – Description by Weskimo

Frog, otherwise known as Glenn, is a knight in the service of the kingdom of Guardia, and joins Crono and Lucca in a rescue attempt for Queen Leene in 600AD. Once an all-around sissy boy, after watching his best friend being murdered by a dark wizard and being turned into a walking, talking frog all in one day, he realizes that nice guys really do finish last, and its enough to turn the marshmallow into a valiant, monster-slaying, pint-sized badass. Though tormented by his failure to help his best friend, he vows to protect the kingdom and slay Magus. Armed with the mythical broadsword Masamune, watery magical abilities, and one hell of a tongue, this frog is out for blood.

Famous lines: “Lower thine guard and thou’rt allowing the enemy in.”

What others are saying: “You’re a marshmallow, Glenn” –Cyrus, “A…a FROG!? Crono, it’s a talking FROG! I hate frogs!” -Lucca, “Riiiibbit!!!!” -Slippy Toad

Special Move: Frog tongue

The Alien Queen – Description by Psycho Limey

It is a well known fact that the maternal instinct can turn anything female, from docile, into a destructive force like no other. The movie Aliens has a lot to do with those maternal instincts, and what they can bring out in us. Spill a man’s drink or insult him and a fight is likely, but give a mother cause for violence and you can forget all hope of leaving uninjured. The alien queen, standing at 15′ tall, will make you wish you had one last bullet.

The Alien Queen is smarter than the average human. Her capacity for learning means no matter how smart you think you are, she will find a way to get you and considering she usually has an army of the deadliest creatures going on her side. You are pretty much hooped.

She can shrug off almost all injuries, that’s if you’re even capable of damaging her. She can reproduce an army in days, and even if you do somehow manage to escape or kill her, her entire genetic memory is passed on. Leave even a single egg alive and that one facehugger will find something to hatch an alien from, that one alien will find the nutrients to molt into a queen, and that queen will remember you, and will never stop trying for vengeance.

Blade

Blade is a vampire-hunter hybrid, known as “daywalker” amongst vampires. He has all of the strengths of a vampire, and none of the weaknesses (except blood thirst). Blade is assisted by a wicked old man named Whistler, who is his mentor and weapon-smith. With Whistler’s technology, Blade is able to slaughter many poor vampires, whose only crimes are their lust for human blood and attempts to awaken various vampire gods and vampire fathers.

Famous line: “Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.”

Napoleon – Description by Doug

Born in Corsica and trained as an artillery officer in mainland France, Bonaparte rose to prominence under the First French Republic and led successful campaigns against the First and Second Coalitions arrayed against France. In 1799, he staged a coup d’état and installed himself as First Consul; five years later he crowned himself Emperor of the French. In the first decade of the nineteenth century, he turned the armies of the French Empire against every major European power and dominated continental Europe through a series of military victories. While considered a tyrant by his opponents, he is also remembered for the establishment of the Napoleonic code, which laid the administrative and judicial foundations for much of Western Europe.

Considered by many to be the greatest general of the modern age; during his Italian campaign, Bonaparte’s army captured 150,000 prisoners, 540 cannons and 170 standards. The French army fought 67 actions and won 18 pitched battles due to superior artillery technology and Bonaparte’s tactics. Only the Russian winter was able to thwart his expansion. The only man who ever defeated him, General Wellington, when asked who was the greatest general of the day, answered: “In this age, in past ages, in any age, Napoleon.”

Andrew Carnegie

$298 300 000 000

The Spanish Armada – Description by Doug

The year was 1588, and King Phillip II if Spain was intent on invading England. To this end he assembled a fleet composed of around 130 ships, 8,000 sailors and 18,000 soldiers, and bore 1,500 brass guns and 1,000 iron guns. The full body of the fleet took two days to leave port. It contained 28 purpose-built warships: 20 galleons, 4 galleys and 4 galleasses. The remainder of the heavy vessels consisted mostly of armed carracks and hulks; there were also 34 light ships present. As well, 30,000 soldiers were assembled in the Spanish Netherlands awaiting transport on barges under cover of the Armada. In the ensuing series of battles, and bad weather Sir Francis Drake sunk a good deal of the Armada, and drove the rest off. Let’s face it, he should have been on the list instead of the Armada.

Smeagol/Gollum – Description by Fiona

Once similar to a hobbit, Gollum is a twisted creature driven half crazy by the One Ring. And by half I mean completely: he’s got two personalities (who argue with each other on occasion). Gollum is the dark and twisty side, Smeagol the loyal, naive pushover. This nutty little bastard can riddle with the best of them, sing, see in the dark and catch fish with his bare hands. Come on now, how many of YOU can do that? He also hates Sam, implying good taste because anyone who likes Sam is an idiot. Stupid fat hobbit.

Famous lines: “My Precious…” “The rock and pool, is nice and cool, so juicy sweet! Our only wish, to catch a fish, so juicy sweeeeet!” “Stupid fat hobbit!”

What others are saying: “There’s naught left in him but lies and deceit. It’s the ring he wants; it’s all he cares about.” – Sam

Special move: Biting and thrashing around madly.

Neutral Good Fighter – Description by Psycho Limey

Violence is a tool, it needs to applied to the right job and by somebody who knows how to use it. The neutral good fighter is not what he first appears to be. He’s the guy on the battlefield like every good soldier, taking the fight to the enemy because somebody has to, but this isn’t the story of some soldier with no sense of self. The N.G. Fighter is the one whose eyes are always open, he’s the one who stands up for what is right. It’s easy to commit atrocities in war, it’s been proven many times how evil apathy can be, but when these things happen there are those who stand against the tide.

This is not a fighter who devotes his life to thwarting evil at any cost. This is the everyman who will not close his eyes to torture, to rape, to the murder of innocents. He draws a line in the sand and stands firm with weapon in hand, even if it will cost him his life.

Every generation needs heroes. Sometimes we need to recognize the simplest ones and admit just how hard it can be to resist our own dark impulses.

The Borg – Description by Fiona

The Borg are an enemy of the Federation in the Star Trek universe. They are a collective of part machine, part human drones led by a Queen Borg. The drones are of one mind; nanoprobes present in every Borg communicate with each other and pass on any information obtained by individuals drones. This enables instantaneous adaptation of all Borg when faced with a threat. Each Borg has many machine parts, including one laser eye and an arm with various devices that can be used for a variety of tasks (weapons fire, tools, healing, assimilation ‘needles’). The Borg travel in cube-shaped ships equipped with powerful tractor beams to reel in their prey. The most notably awesome Borg is Seven of Nine in Star Trek Voyager. Seven rediscovers her humanity throughout the series when she is severed from the Borg Collective. She also wears a super-sexy jumpsuit. Just saying.

Battle cry: “We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.”

Special move: Assimilation… i.e. turning others into Borg.

Edward “The Riddler” Nigma

The Riddler is another classic Batman villain, The Riddler’s evil stems from his constant need to test his own intellect. He strives to place his enemies in inescapable death traps, and lead them on during his crime sprees via cryptic word puzzles. Like so many villains, The Riddler’s evil may stem from childhood trauma, some critics suggest that The Riddler was abused as a child by his envious father after receiving high grades.

Kari Byron

Kari appears on one of the finest television shows of the modern era, called Mythbusters. On this program, a crack team of semi-professionals dick around with equipment, performing experiments to determine the validity of rumours and myths. In this show, Kari rises above all others on the show in terms of ability to be sexy. She will often talk, build things, be painted in gold, write her name in the snow via pissing (and that’s hard for a woman), but most vitally, smile seductively.

Sega Mega “Genesis” Drive

Known to the rest of the world as the Sega Mega Drive and the Genesis in North America, this was Sega’s poor attempt to compete with the glory of Nintendo’s SNES in the 16-bit generation war. The Genesis is known primarily for two things: its ability to play many “classic” Sonic the Hedgehog games, and its ability to connect to other useless pieces of technology to form an even larger piece of useless technology. A Genesis, equipped with its 32X, Mega CD, cleaning cart, several Sonic & Knuckles cartridges, and a copy of Sonic 3 can tower well above many mortal men. This obvious grab at phallic compensation is useless in the face of the SNES’ Mario, Zelda, and Final Fantasy powered cock.

Sonic the Hedgehog – Description by Weskimo

The anthropomorphic whipping boy of Sega’s glory days, Sonic the Hedgehog is the down-on-his-luck kickball of the gaming world. While he was played up as Mario’s rival for gaming supremacy, Sega showed nothing but disdain for his work, constantly trying to throw consumer focus at no-value add ons and jock sports games. The games they contracted to Sonic became progressively shittier. They even tried to phase him out by introducing a new furry star in every game, hoping the fans would like the new guy better. Furry fans of the world loved the little blue bastard-child of a hedgehog and a lonely midget too much to let Sega kill Sonic though, and continued to buy his games, no matter how craptastic and unplayable Sega made them. Sega eventually surrendered their position in the console market, cut Sonic’s pay and started giving him the worst jobs they could come up with. Need a game where we turn the character turns into a werehog? Get Sonic. Need another character to get beat up in Super Smash Bros. Brawl? Sonic’s on it. Goomba shit on the floor? Make Sonic clean it up. Best part is, the little junkie will work for a couple of rings that he’ll just run off and lose when he takes his next hit.

What others are saying: “This game sucks.” -Newbs, SDGR Review of Sonic 1

Special Move: Blue balls

Hades – Description by Fiona

My man Hades is the Greek god of the Underworld. He is one of the major Olympian Gods and brother of Zeus and Poseidon. He uses his awesome godliness to trick Persephone into staying with him as his consort and Queen of the Underworld. She’s his niece, but you know… whatever does it for ya.

Hades is also a Disney bad guy!!!!!!! And I’m sorry, but Disney bad guys are the coolest guys ever. They always have the best songs. And his hair is blue fire, how awesome is that?

Famous lines: “Two thumbs waaay way up for our leading lady.” – as his thumbs burst into fire

Neil “Fucking” Patrick “Fucking” Harris – Description by Doug

One of the greatest actors of all time, Neil began acting in the fourth grade, as Toto in his school’s production of The Wizard of Oz. He starred in the Emmy nominated Doogie Howser MD, and the Emmy nominated How I Met Your Mother.

He is a huge fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000. He had the balls to play a drug-crazed, lecherous parody of himself in both Harold and Kumar movies. He’s awesome, he high fives, and he brought “Suit Up!” into modern lexicon.

Galactic Empire – Description by Fiona

The Galactic Empire is the emerging power when the Old Republic of the Star Wars universe fails. Led by the Galactic Emperor and Sith Lord, former Chancellor Palpatine, the Galactic Empire rules the galaxy as a totalitarian entity with absolute power. Anakin Skywalker is seduced by the Dark Side of the Force and becomes Darth Vader, second in command to the Emperor. The three prequel movies are about his transition to the Dark Side and the fall of the Old Republic, while the original trilogy is about the time period following this, when the Empire is the reigning power.

Kickass tidbits about the Empire proving its giant-dong-awesomeness: A clone army serves the Empire and carries out its evil doings. They created the Death Star which can destroy entire planets. Like the Jedi, the Sith in power use the Force, but are more evil and hardcore about it. Mwahahahaha!!!! Dong-awesome. Vote Galactic Empire.

Famous lines: “Luke, I am your father.” –Darth Vader

What others are saying: “Noooooo!” – Luke Skywalker, in response to above.

Battle cry: The sound of lightsabers being drawn. Vshoooom!!!

Special moves: Electrocuting people, Choking people, wielding double headed lightsabers!

John Michael “Ozzy” “Prince of Darkness” Osbourne

Ozzy is the lead singer of Black Sabbath and commands a successful solo career. He is the father of seven children, two of whom have become famous in their own right. His daughter Kelly is chubby and kind of attractive. Ozzy has over 15 tattoos, including “O-Z-Z-Y” spelled across the knuckles of his left hand, which he got as a teenager, and were done by sewing needle and pencil lead. Ozzy has bitten off the heads of a live dove and a dead bat, and can out-drug-take all comers.

The Punisher – Description by Psycho Limey

They say the Punisher doesn’t have recurring villains. There is one however, the entire reason his character exists isn’t crime, it isn’t the mafia that gunned down his family. It’s not Satan or some faceless evil entity. It’s the legal system. The entire rotten to the core system that allows evil to occur every day and for evil people to get away with their actions in the name of keeping the system fair. After the system let him down, he stepped up and started dishing out punishment in a far more efficient manner. Criminals are simply put down. He unflinchingly kills people. Anyone who deserves to die as he sees it, dies. He wipes out the organized crime in his city and takes on all comers.

Frank Castle, the Punisher is the catharsis that every victim wants. He treats the worst kind of people like they deserve, making sure that every punishment he hands out sends a clear message to the rest of the world’s evil, never afraid to use all kinds of violence to drive the point home.

The Punisher is always careful to avoid collateral damage and he despises amateur vigilantes who usually have some personal agenda or racist motives. However, everything he does, has made little difference. His real enemy, society and the system it supports is still there. We still create our own monsters and allow injustices. We’ll complain for a day, or even for a few months if it’s a real atrocity but we don’t stop it, we barely even try.

So maybe you don’t like the fact the Punisher kills people, I’m sure there’s a well constructed argument for how his actions will never solve anything. Except you don’t need to tell him that. He already knows, but until he’s dead, he is never going to stop making sure that everyone he can find gets their just reward, and that he saves every person he can from finding out how it feels to be the Punisher.

Battle Cry: The solid click of a loaded magazine sliding home into his .45

Special Move: You might throw up if I described what he’s done to some people, but would you throw up if I described what they did to earn the Punishers wrath?

L-Shaped Tetris Block

Many would claim Tetris to be an ensemble cast, with the L and J pieces forming nice little boxes for the O to fit into, the Z and S tumbling around and getting in the way, and the Long-Job clearing everybody else out of the way. Well, they would be wrong. L-Shaped Tetris Block dominates all the other pieces by way of his obvious penis-might. Just look at the letter L and turn your head to the left, it looks like a damn cock and balls! The community of GameFaqs.com recognized the glory of L-Shaped Tetris Block and awarded him the Character Battle Championship in 2007.

The Dominion

Founded somewhere between 10 000 BCE and 2 000 BCE by the Changelings, The Dominion stands as a great Galactic force, dominating thousands of planets in the Gamma Quadrant. The Changelings rule over the dominion with absolute power, and are considered to be gods by their subjects. Loyalty amongst their engineered Vorta and Jem’Hadar minions is encoded genetically, allowing The Dominion to operate with utter efficiency at all times. Only a small contingent of The Dominion army was able to ally themselves with a few Alpha quadrant species and nearly defeat the Federation Alliance, which was made up of the three great Alpha quadrant powers: The Federation, The Klingon Empire, and the Romulan Star Empire.

Robo – Description by Weskimo

Robo is found and repaired by Lucca in 2300AD (and he’s kinda pissed that you bastards kicked her out of Cock Wars already). Upon his reactivation, he has no memory of his prior mission and his curious and helpful personality lead him to join Crono and his friends on their quest to save the planet from Lavos (one bad motherfucking guy, FYI). Programmed to aid humanity, he is equipped with both offensive and defensive abilities, and attacks enemies by relentlessly pounding them with his rocket powered fists. This tubby robot keeps busy in combat by spraying allies with powerful healing rays or dropping bitches with his robo-fists and rainbow lasers, and let me tell you, he makes Gato look like a fucking carnival attraction.

Famous Lines: “I am…Robo…Data storage complete.”

What others are saying: “I’m not your mistress.” – Marle

Chaotic Evil Wizard – Description by Psycho Limey

There are always people who crave power at any cost and the saying “Power corrupts” takes on no scarier face than that of the chaotic evil wizard. A wizard’s power is not just the ability to use arcane arts to ruin you. He’s smart, conniving, and his problem solving skills are at their peak. He has to know everyday what might occur and how best to be ready for it as he can only use so many spells. A chaotic evil wizard wields almost limitless power and the only thing governing how he uses it is which side of the bed he woke up on.

Crazy people are often celebrated for their creativity and badass factor. Well this person has the power to accomplish whatever takes his fancy, and more often than not, it’s making you sing, dance, and explode to the tune of his choice.

What others are saying: “OH GOD WHY? Why would you do that to me, what kind of inhuman monster would cause such suffering, oh please merciful gods end my torment. How could you do such things!?”

Battle Cry: “Because I can”

Poseidon

Poseidon is the god of the sea and earthquakes. When the world was divided by three, Poseidon was granted command of the sea, and when he was denied reward for building the walls around the city of Troy, he sent a sea monster to attack the city. Poseidon wields an impressive trident and an even more impressive beard. For more on Poseidon, check out The Little Mermaid, because King Triton is a pretty obvious rip off of him.

The Maginot Line – Description by Doug

Perhaps the greatest piece of military engineering to ever fail, the Maginot Line has a somewhat underserved bad rap in the modern age. First of all, the line did in fact extend all the way north to the sea. Second, line is something of a misnomer, in places the Maginot defenses were over 25km deep. And such defenses they were! Very briefly: An independent road and rail system to aid in resupply and defense, constructed of deliberately short runs so as to be very difficult to capture, and easy for the French to sabotage as they pulled back. 142 Major Fortresses, 352 Casements, 78 Shelters, 17 Observatories, and about 5 000 blockhouses, floodways/ammo dumps/food caches galore, almost 1 500 weapons openings of various types, 152 turrets, a shit/fuck/superlatives-just-don’t-do-it-justice load of artillery.

The French Engineers had designed the perfect weapon for the First World War. Unfortunately, the Germans were one step ahead as usual, and their overwhelming air power, quick armor and superior small unit tactics allowed them to smash the line, and take France from behind…. as if she were France.

Joan of Arc – Description by Doug

Joan could not have picked a worse time or place to be born: France was embroiled in Hundred Years War, huge chunks of her territory were under English control and with her population still reeling after the Black Plague, it looked like the rest might topple. However, at the age of 12, Joan began seeing visions, and became convinced she would lead her people to freedom. At the age of 16, she predicted that under her leadership, the French would be able to break out of the siege of Orleans. Having tried every legitimate, and sane, option, the Dauphin agreed to her request. She was able to break the siege, and went on to lead the French army in a yearlong English ass kicking festival until her capture and execution.

The English were so afraid of her and her influence that after they killed her by fire, they raked back the coals and exposed her body so no one could claim she escaped alive. They then burned the body not once, but twice more before throwing her ashes in the Seine. She was later ruled innocent of the charges brought against her, and was canonized in 1920. More importantly, she was one of the only people to interrupt the ass kickings the English were doling out courtesy of the long bow.

Private William Hudson – Description by Psycho Limey

You’ve had a menial entry level job somewhere. Sat through some training videos and then been expected to not only care about the company but also to take your incredibly crappy job totally seriously and to deal with the horrible situations that arise with a smile and perfect customer service.

So what is it that makes you think a private in the army has it any better than you, at that terrible job? There has been a term in use since they first told some poor bastard to go fight that other guy over there. The “Soldiers prerogative” means one simple thing, that you, with your cushy existence have got no right to complain but that the soldier can bitch constantly about EVERYTHING so long as he always gets the job done. It’s a long standing tradition and soldiers generally take full advantage of it.

Pvt Hudson of the United States Colonial Marine Corp ends up travelling to the planet LV-426 in the movie Aliens, where he promptly gets into a SHTF situation no soldier would ever want to deal with. He’s not the stoic badass, he’s just your average soldier and he proceeds to complain constantly throughout the movie. But at the end, when the fight is on, he’s there, rifle in hand, dishing out 10mm fury to anyone who wants to “come get some.”

Famous Lines: “What do you mean, ‘They cut the power’? How could they cut the power, man? They’re animals!” “We’re on an express elevator to hell; going down!” “Yeah man, but it’s a dry heat!” “Hey, maybe you haven’t been keeping up on current events, but we just got our asses kicked, pal!” “Oh dear Lord Jesus, this ain’t happening, man… This can’t be happening, man! This isn’t happening!” “That’s it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?”

What others are saying: “You better just start dealing with it, Hudson! Listen to me! Hudson, just deal with it, because we need you and I’m sick of your bullshit.” – Ripley

Battle Cry: “Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby! Come on! I don’t got all day! Come on! Come on! Come on you bastard! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? Fuck you!”

Batman – Description by Fiona

Batman is a DC Comic superhero. Born Bruce Wayne, he is a mastermind scientist and a super-sleuth, as well as a wealthy, brooding and obsessive playboy. While Bruce Wayne is an irresponsible and superficial rich boy, his superhero alter ego is an intelligent and determined crime fighter. Orphaned at a young age by a mugger, Batman’s goal in life is to rid Gotham City of the evil that killed his parents. He travels the world to better understand the criminal mind. Bruce Wayne has an uncanny fear of bats; Batman’s bat costume was created in their image to terrify criminals. Batman is a founding member of the Justice Society of America, and Bruce Wayne has his own charitable foundation (the Wayne Foundation).

Famous lines: “It took years and billions to synthesize. Luckily I had both.” “If Clark [Kent] wanted to, he could use his super-speed and squish me into the cement. But I know how he thinks. Even more than the Kryptonite, he’s got one big weakness. Deep down, Clark’s essentially a good person… and deep down, I’m not.”

Battle cry: “Zap!” “Pow!” “Bam!”

Special move: Although Batman has no special “superpower,” he has mad detective skills, amazing physical prowess and crazy scientific abilities. He also designs all of his own awesome contraptions (i.e. utility belt for all his crime-fighting tools, and the BATMOBILE!!!) Anything invented by Batman gets the “bat” prefix. That’s right, he has his own copyright.

Demona – Description by Fiona

Demona is a gargoyle with superhuman strength. Unlike most gargoyles that turn to stone during the day, Demona sports human form when the sun rises. She is manipulative and seductive, and hates the human race with a vengeance. She betrays anyone who is foolish enough to trust her. When she is angry, her eyes glow red. Oh, and she can do magic. This chick clearly has one massive cock.

Super Nintendo Entertainment System – Description by Weskimo

The Super Nintendo was Nintendo’s 16-bit answer to the evolving gaming world. It was met with fierce resistance from its rivals, particularly from the Sega Genesis. The Super Nintendo served as a Champion of Awesome during the Golden Age of gaming (it is called the Golden Age because I was at a stage of my life where I literally had nothing else to do than play Super Nintendo games).

The SNES facilitated the creation of classic games such as Chrono Trigger, Super Baseball 2020, NBA Jam, Metal Warriors, Link to the Past, and Donkey Kong Country, games that stuck with you, long after their time with you had past. And though the SNES and many of its games have been outshone by newer and more advanced consoles, it is still kept close to all our hearts and souls. This pioneering system taught you what a great game should feel like. We owe it our reverence, and our votes.

What others are saying: “CROAK!! HELP ME!!” -Slippy, Star Fox

Special Move: Being a 20 year old piece of technology and still working when I turn it on!

Frodo and Sam – Description by Fiona

Frodo and Sam are two hobbits entrusted with the task of taking the One Ring to Mordor and destroying it in the fires of Mount Doom to save Middle Earth from the dominion of the evil Dark Lord Sauron. Frodo Baggins, the main protagonist in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, often tries to ditch Sam and go it alone. Samwise Gamgee, however, repeatedly refuses to be left behind, maintaining that Frodo needs him. Together, the two hobbits manage the perilous journey to Mordor and get the job done. These two little guys face many dangers, but together they prevail. And even though Sam is a whiney little bitch, at least he’s a dedicated one.

Famous lines: “Go back, Sam. I’m going to Mordor alone.” – Frodo, “Of course you are. And I’m coming with you.” – Sam

What others are saying: “You will keep an eye on Frodo, won’t you?” – Bilbo, “Two eyes, as often as I can spare them.” – Gandalf

Casey Jones – Description by Weskimo

When the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ sissy jumping and kicking ninjitsu can’t get the job done and they need a real heavy-hitter, they call up their hockey mask-wearing bruiser, Casey Jones. With his armament of baseball, cricket, and hockey equipment, Casey delivers wanton destruction upon the criminals of New York City. Plus, he makes out with the hot redhead. Booya.

Battle Cry: “Goongala!!”

What others are saying: “Who the heck is that?” -Leonardo, “Wayne Gretzky on steroids?” – Michelangelo

Famous Lines: “Two minutes for slashing… two minutes for hooking… and let’s not forget my personal favorite: two minutes for high sticking.”

Special Move: Crushing the Shredder in a garbage truck.

Sultan of Brunei – Description by Doug

At one point the richest man on earth, the Sultan is the government of Brunei. He is the head of state with full executive authority, as well as emergency powers since 1962. He is also the Prime Minister of Brunei, as well as holding the portfolios of Defence and Finance.
The Sultan has an amazing list of material assets: 3-6 000 personal vehicles worth over $4 Billion including a Formula One car as driven by every Formula 1 World Drivers Champion since the 1980 Formula One season, particularly the ones driven in the last race for each season. During the 1990s, he accounted for half of all Bentley purchases worldwide. For personal use, the Sultan has a Boeing 747-400 furnished with gold plated furniture with an estimated value of $233 million including $3 million on furniture, six smaller planes and two helicopters. He is trained to pilot the aircraft. He also operates a $3 billion theme park called Jerudong Park, which is open free of charge to his citizens.

Goliath

Goliath is one nearly naked, powerfully strong Gargoyle. He is the leader of the Manhattan clan of Gargoyles and is named aptly after the Biblical giant Goliath. His feats include mating with Demona and then being betrayed by her, and resurrection after being frozen in stone for a thousand years. Goliath likes to fight my good buddy Xanatos, who is one cool cat with one cool pony-tail.

Chronos

Chronos is, in Greek mythology, the personification of time. An incorporeal god, serpentine in form, with three heads, Chronos was betrayed by the Greco-Romans when they portrayed him as a man turning the Zodiac Wheel. These words, because I don’t know fuck about Chronos, brought to you by friend of the site Wikipedia.org.

Klingon Empire

The Klingons are a noble warrior race who seek to perpetually weaken themselves by engaing in unecessary wars with the friendly, yet dishonorable, Federation. Klingons are a noble race, preferring ritual suicide to disgraceful defeat. Klingons have some crazy religious beliefs revolving around Kahless, their first emperor, and Sto-Vo-Kor, their equivalent of heaven which features perpetual feasting and battling. Klingons drink raktajino, call people targs, eat gagh, and when they aren’t suffering from viral mutations, sport protruding forehead ridges, used in the pleasuring of their women. Famous Klingons include Worf son of Mogh and William Shakespeare.

Lance Bishop 341-B – Description by Psycho Limey

You should feel bad for being a pathetic meat sack. Androids are the way of the future and Bishop is one of the best. He’s fast enough to do the stabbing-a-knife-between-your-fingers trick so quickly it’s a blur, and he’s obviously smarter than us because he’s a robot, don’t give me any three dimensional synaptic connections bullcrap. It’s a computer, of course it’s faster. Bishop is one of the only surviving crew members of the Sulaco after it meets up with the aliens on LV-426. Except he gets torn in half and still manages to save people at the end of the movie. For all the other character’s badassedness, without Bishop they would’ve died several times over. Bishop is the future, a vote for Bishop will be looked kindly on by your future AI overlords, so do the right thing meatsack.

Famous line: “Believe me, I’d prefer not to. I may be synthetic, but I’m not stupid.”

The Russian Winter – Description by Doug

Russia is home to the harshest inhabited winters anywhere on the globe. The Siberian settlement of Oymyakon once experienced temperatures of -71.2 C. This bitter cold, more than any other military factor, has kept Russia safe throughout history. It stopped Genghis Khan from coming too far north, and both Napoleon and Hitler from moving too far West.
Before Napleon had fought the first battle of his Russian Campaign, he had lost almost half of the Grande Armée (about 185,000 frogsicles) to the cold. Hitler’s army suffered some 23% casualties (734,000 Krautsicles) before the war was done. Moral of the story: If you want to invade Russia, you need one serious fur coat.

Alliance to Restore the Republic; or, The Rebel Alliance

The Rebel Alliance seeks to restore the ideals of the Old Republic, that of a shaky democracy held together with bureaucracy rather than fear. The Rebel Alliance is responsible for the destruction of two Death Stars and the defeat of the Darths Vader and Sidious. The Alliance’s weakness is its faith in its friends, and unerring optimism, causing the Rebels to occasionally fall for traps. The Rebel Alliance has included some of the most important figures in galactic history, including Princess Leia Organa, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and most vitally, its Supreme Commander, Admiral Ackbar.

Boromir – Description by Psycho Limey

As part of the fellowship of the ring, Boromir was in a rough spot, he was in a position of authority in Gondor that put a lot of stress and pressure on him to save the place, so when he set off for the council, there was a lot for him to think on. Tolkien wrote of Boromir’s journey to the council that “the courage and hardihood required is not fully recognized in the narrative”, What does that mean? That while Frodo and the hobbits were busy stressing Aragorn out on a short walk from the Shire to the council, he was carving his way through unused paths full of monsters, dude even lost his horse partway there and just kept going. He essentially did the journey of the ring, plus some more insane adventures, but Boromir wasn’t some magical race, he wasn’t plot-armored, he was just trying to protect everyone he cared for and so despite his very human flaws he gave his life for the good of all. The least you can do is give a vote.

Famous lines: “One does not simply walk into Mordor.” “This is no mine. It’s a tomb.”

The Joker

The Joker is an enigma. Sometimes he appears as a slightly overweight gangster with a love for terror, other times, he crams pencils into the eye sockets of slightly overweight gangsters. He’s been portrayed by everyone from Mark fucking Hamill to Jack fucking Nicholson to Heath fucking Ledger. Sometimes, The Joker’s disfigurement is portrayed as stemming from a fall into a vat of chemicals, sometimes, it’s just paint covering up some mystery scars.

Ultimately, none of this matters. The Joker is, at his very core, the personification of randomness and terror, he is a dog chasing cars, and he is Batman’s nemesis because he represents chaos.

Famous line: “Do I really look like a guy with a plan?”

Battle cry: “Why so serious?”

What others are saying: “Let her go.” – Batman, to which The Joker responded “Very poor choice of words!”

Special move: Magic tricks.

Dr. Otto “Doc Ock” “Dr. Octopus” Ocatvius

Apparently, my good man Otto had a turbulent upbringing, his father was abusive to him and his whore mother. Otto, like so many future super villains was shy and reclusive in school. Octo-cock became a brilliant and respected nuclear physicist, until an unfortunate accident caused his AI-controlled mechanical arms to fuse with his spine and meld with his personality, creating the super villain we know and cherish.

Sometimes, Octo-mom is played by Indiana Jones’ betrayer from Raiders of the Lost Ark, that’s a pretty sweet movie.

Chaotic Good Barbarian – Description by Psycho Limey

Barbarians are the people of the wilderness for whom fighting is a way of life and a necessity. While the fighter hides behind an army and spends years training, the barbarian learned to fight when he opened the bathroom door to find his dad put a mountain lion in there. As a chaotic good barbarian there’s a code to his life that means he doesn’t go around betraying friends or murdering good folks, but heaven help you if you’re in his way. There’s been much debate on what the angriest person ever sounds like, some think tourettes with capslock. Anybody who knows real anger understands that when you’re swearing and shouting, you’re wasting energy that could be spent killing. Every breath wasted on words should have gone to driving your fist through someone’s ribcage or crushing a skull.

A fighter may mock the barbarians “stupidity” but the barbarian knows that the fighter will lose because he has to think his way through the fight. The barbarian was ready for every second of the battle since before puberty when he finished head-butting a mountain lion to death.

What others are saying: “They are power incarnate, divorced from any responsibility except to win.”

Master Chief – Description by Weskimo

Standing seven feet tall and encased in gleaming, green armor, the Master Chief is the perfect professional. Each mission is approached and executed with cool precision and, with a nearly flawless combat record, he is the “ace in the hole” of the UNSC. He and his fellow Spartan soldiers are a constant source of hope and confidence for the regular human military. Called upon when the situation appears most desperate, the Master Chief delivers large-scale pain and obliterates the luckless aliens that get in the way of his missions. This towering, faceless supersoldier inspires awe and terror in his foes, earning himself the name of “the Demon” among his enemies.

What others are saying: “No way! A Spartan!? We’re gonna be ok!” – UNSC Marines “Don’t make the Demon angry!!!” – Grunt

Special Move: Fisting plasma grenades into tank cockpits.

Iron Man – Description by Doug

Born Anthony Edward “Tony” Stark, the son of legendary weapons designer and industrialist Howard Stark, Tony quickly established himself as a boy genius. He constructs his first engine at nine, then at fifteen he enrolls at MIT to study electrical engineering, graduating summa cum laude shortly thereafter. While displaying a new line of weapons to NATO forces in Afghanistan, Stark is forced to create a powerful weapon. However, through sheer determination and brilliance Tony is able to design the first prototype Iron Man suit and escape. He goes on to refine the suit, and begin fighting terrorism and crime in earnest.

He can miniaturize an arc reactor in an Afghan cave. He once went twelve for twelve seducing Maxim cover models; failing only on March, but making up for it with December’s twins. His suit can out-fly, outfight and outclass any other weapon of the modern age. His top of the line modified 737 is stocked with colder booze and hotter flight attendants than you or I have ever seen. He is also currently in a relationship with the incredibly talented Pepper Pots, played by Gwyneth Paltrow. Booyah.

John D. Rockefeller

$318 300 000 000

Lavos – Description by Weskimo

The primary villain in Chrono Trigger, Lavos is an interplanetary parasite with near godly powers that crash lands into the planet in 65,000,000 B.C. with the intent to feed off of the planet’s energy. Lavos laid dormant for millions of years, siphoning power from the earth, until he emerges in the year 1999 A.D. to wreak fiery havoc on the unsuspecting population, reducing the world to an apocalyptic wasteland. Many foolish mortals have had the audacity to challenge Lavos over the millions of years that he has occupied the planet, and each time he comes forth only to deliver the beat down of a thousand lifetimes upon the unfortunate asshat who thinks he’s got enough game to take down the universe’s ultimate life form.

What others are saying: “You fools! I only summoned him! He lives in the inner earth, absorbing the land’s power and growing ever stronger!” – Magus

Special Move: Spike Nuking the planet

Master Splinter

One man, alone in his basement seeks the cure for relief from his current assignment. That assignment, writing character descriptions. He finds the cure, it’s… it’s… Wikipedia. Somehow, as a goddamn rat, Splinter was able to learn how to be a ninja by studying his master’s work. As a rat. Sorry, not just a rat, but a rat intelligent for his species. Splinter was mutated along with the Ninja Turtles, but because of his age and skill, he became a father figure for the TMNT. He named them pretty well though, and he does have a pretty kickin’ staff.

Sony PlayStation 2 – Description by Weskimo

The origins of the Playstation 2 have ever been shrouded in mystery and, until recently, had remained completely unchronicled. The Playstation 2 had drifted aimlessly through the cosmos for untold years until, struck by a sudden surge of inspiration, it released a burst of powerful energy and created the sun and the Earth (those other planets were just accidents though. Nobody’s perfect, you know). For the entirety of Earth’s history, the Playstation 2 has silently guided the evolutionary path of the world until the day when it could reveal itself and be recognized as the Overlord of Earth.

When the time came, the Playstation 2 allied itself with the electronics company called Sony and allowed itself to be the model for the perfect form of entertainment. Since then, the console’s spawn have infiltrated the homes of more than 140 million humans, becoming the best-selling console ever. At the hands of the Playstation 2, Nintendo suffered the worst type of suffering: shame. Pure, eternal, overwhelming shame and embarrassment. After feeding Nintendo his huge cock and becoming the epitome of gaming excellence, the Playstation 2 stood alone among destroyed and abandoned Cubes and Boxes and it knew it was that much closer to world domination.

The Playstation 2 is currently on a vacation somewhere in South America. He’ll be back, though.

Little known facts:

• The Playstation 2 maintained a brief relationship with Angelina Jolie while she was on the set on Hackers in 1995, but broke it off because she was a gold digger.
• The Playstation 2 once bought a Gamecube, but he had it converted into a toilet. It’s in his bathroom with his Xbox Jacuzzi.
• Several famous personalities have claimed to be the offspring of the Playstation 2 including: Antonio Banderas, Shia LaBeouf, the entire band of The Offspring, Jesus Christ (unconfirmed), and Neil Patrick Harris. The Playstation 2 has no comment.

What others are saying: “INFERNAL MACHINE!!!” –Newbs

Special Move: Crushing Nintendo

Sir Michael Philip “Mick” Jagger

Mick Jagger has been the lead singer for The Rolling Stones since their formation 1962, heading what is arguably the biggest rock band in history. Mick’s concert touring has allowed him to bone many a woman, marry some, and impregnate a few others, he also may have nailed David Bowie. What he has not done, as Snopes.com has informed me, is eat a Mars bar out of anyone’s vagina.

Famous lines: “I can’t get no satisfaction/I can’t get no girl reaction”

What others are saying: “‘I can’t get no girl reaction’? That’s what he’s saying? I should have looked this up years ago.” – Newbs

Lucca

Lucca is Crono’s brilliant and very sexy inventor friend. She is responsible for the birth of the Chrono Trigger quest, in that she built the transporter which opened the time portal that begins the saga. She is also to blame for the crippling of her poor mother. Lucca’s greatest achievement is the invention of the battle training robot Gato, who I can unsurprisingly one-shot in New Game+.

Famous lines: “Machines aren’t capable of evil. Humans make them that way.”

Battle cry: “Nothing can beat science!”

Special move: Reading the enemy’s HP.

Lawful Good Paladin – Description by Psycho Limey

A paladin is a warrior that is given his power by a god that he serves with absolute conviction. His role is simple, never give way to the forces of evil and stand for what is good and right in the world. A paladin would without pause give his life for an innocent and for his piety and faith receives the ability to deliver directly some serious holy wrath.

People are generally fairly disparaging of these holy warriors, especially the true “Lawful Stupid” Paladins. They point out how foolish zealotry is and that just because “god says so” doesn’t mean it’s the right thing. They seem to forget one crucial thing. A Paladin is walking proof that their god is real, and that when he says “God will punish you” that means he is going to foot-rape your posterior with absolute authority. People quickly forget what real heroism is in a world without terror, and when hell bursts forth those detractors will be singing a different tune, because against hell’s endless legions, your strength will fail you. Against horrors that defy description, your mind will shatter. Only faith will prevail and so the paladin will be standing between you and obliteration, not because you are begging him to but because it is the right thing to do.

Famous quote: “Blade with whom I have lived, blade with whom I now die, serve right and justice one last time, seek one last heart of evil, still one last life of pain, cut well old friend, and then farewell.”

Special Move: Hitting it like the fist of an angry god.

Peter “Spider-Man” Parker

Peter was a teenage rejection machine; his whininess was exceeded only by his nerdiness. All of that changed when he was bitten by a radioactive spider which equipped him with incredible powers of strength, agility, and most notably a precognitive spider-sense. His intelligence magnified these powers, allowing him to create a spider-web material that he could shoot from his wrists. This material has allowed him to swing through the streets of New York. Spider-Man has battled many freaks and mutants, including Doctor Octopus, Kingpin, Venom, Lizard, Sandman, and a multitude of Goblins.

Famous lines: “I missed the part where that’s my problem.”

What others are saying: “With great power comes great responsibility.” – Uncle Ben

Special move: Slinging web onto buildings so high, his web appears to be suspended vertically.

Meriadoc “Merry” Brandybuck and Peregrin “Pippin” Took

Merry and Pippin are two of the most important members of the Fellowship of the Ring. They trek across Middle Earth just as the other characters do, but are the ones ultimately responsible for introducing the coolest of all races of Middle Earth to the War of the Ring, the Ents. They also round out the number of members in the fellowship to nine, important for symmetry with the nine Wring Wraiths.

Battle cry: “Oi! We’re coming too! You’ll have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!”

What others are saying: “No, indeed! It is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is summoned to a secret Council and you are not.” – Elrond

Special moves: Pledging allegiance to kings unnecessarily and/or helping to kill the Witch-king of Angmar.

Ares, The Olympian God of War – Description by Psycho Limey

During ancient times people actually got what it meant to be a warrior, they knew that badasses had to come from somewhere and Ares was the driving force behind true asskickers from many of the finest legends. The biggest thing to understand here is that Ares wasn’t just the god who inspired people to butcher everyone. Men actually prayed to him to help keep them calm when bloodlust came. As the patron of anger and violence it fell to him to calm tempers when there was no need for violence. Ares wasn’t all about wrecking shit, but he certainly did it better than any other. He once brutally murdered a man who raped his daughter, and was then acquitted of any wrong doing despite Poseidon bitching like a pussy that his son was killed. Some would point out that a greek god getting mad about rape is a little hypocritical but dare you to tell them that. Two of the man’s sons are called Phobos and Diemos, the gods of fear and terror. He is the father of the Amazons of legend and above all Ares is the deity of cock WARS by definition. Every warrior in this battle for supremacy must inevitably bend a knee to “Slaughter personified”, the “sceptred king of manliness”, Ares.

The United Federation of Planets

The United Federation of Planets is an interstellar federal polity totaling more than 150 member planets and thousands of colonies across the Alpha and Beta quadrants of the Milky Way Galaxy. The Federation was founded in 2161 by Earth, Vulcan, Andoria, and Tellar. The honor of these races is unquestionable. The military wing of the Federation is called Starfleet, which is tasked with defending freedom and the peace-loving peoples of The Federation from such villainous forces as the Borg, Dominion, Klingons, Cardassians, and Romulans.

Special move: Creating almighty warships and never putting them into mass production so that they get rolled in early parts of wars.

Microsoft X-Box 360

The X-Box 360 is the repulsive love-child of Bill Gates and J Allard, who together forged a box of metal and plastic so wrought with evil that only bald space marines could traverse its nefarious interior. Sometimes, a 360 will become so disgusted with its own inadequacies as a game system that it will warp its interior components beyond functionality and display in shame a red ring of death.

Battle cry: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

Ellen Ripley – Description by Psycho Limey

This is the woman that grizzly bears hire to babysit. Ripley is the main star of the Alien franchise of movies meaning she’s the only person to survive multiple encounters with a creature that actually scares rednecks. A current fad on the internet is “x apocalypse survival” with x being zombies, raptors, communists etc. Folks will always have some answer for these “end of days” scenarios. I have yet to see anyone come up with an answer other than “shoot myself” if up against creatures that Ripley has faced down numerous times. When everyone else was busy dying or freaking out Ripley was doing things like duct-taping multiple guns together. This woman actually killed herself solely to put an end to the aliens but that didn’t stop them so it sure as hell didn’t slow down her quest for genocide. After being cloned by the army to breed the aliens she ended up with a hint of alien DNA taking the mentally toughest women and making her crazier and superhuman enough that once a month, monsters have to hide under their bedcovers.

Famous quotes: “I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.” In response to Dillon saying “…you don’t wanna know me, lady. I’m a murderer and rapist of women,” she responded “Really? [pause] Well, I guess I must make you nervous.” “Get away from her you BITCH”

Hudson

Hudson is a member of the Manhattan Clan of Gargoyles, and the former leader of the Wyvern Clan. In 994 AD, he, along with the other Gargoyles, was turned to stone, until such time that the Scottish castle in which he lived would be raised above the clouds. Ultimately, this was accomplished when David Xanatos, master of money and cock, rebuilt the castle atop his gargantuan skyscraper. Despite the obvious bad-assery of his eye-scar, Hudson prefers to allow his age dominate his behavior, and lazily watches TV while the other Gargoyles dick around New York City.

Famous lines: “Movies, television, video games… these days, it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s not.”

Solid Snake – Description by Weskimo

The all-in-one special ops agent, spy, mercenary, and ladies man, Solid Snake is the main protagonist of the Metal Gear series, and is repeatedly charged with defeating the latest Metal Gear mechs, averting nuclear disasters, and saving the world. Snake is known as the best of the best. He’s a legend among new recruits to the special ops world, and is even forced out of retirement to eliminate the remainder of FOXHOUND when the special ops unit goes rogue. Snake single-handedly infiltrates an island fortress, smuggles in some cigarettes, takes out each FOXHOUND member, kills his brother, and wipes the floor with a ten-story nuclear-equipped mech, all the while hitting on 3 different women. Yes, he is that damned awesome.

Famous Lines: “Ha ha, I told you. The real me is no match for the legend.” “You know a lot about science, but you don’t know how good a cigarette tastes in the morning.” “I’m just a man who’s good at what he does: Killing.”

Battle Cry: “Metal Gear!?”

What others are saying: SNAKE? SNAKE! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!

Special Move: Hiding in his cardboard box.

Hellboy – Description by Doug

Hellboy was conceived over 300 years ago by the witch Catherine Tanner-Tremaine, and a Demon Prince of Sheol. He was summoned to our plane of existence by the Nazi’s during their failed attempt to turn the tide of WWII: Project Ragna Rock. Adopted by professor Broom and the Special Forces soldiers who foiled the Nazi ploy, Hellboy went on to become an integral part of the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense, where he continues to toil today, thumping the things that go bump in the night.

Among Hellboy’s more obvious powers are superhuman strength and resistance to physical injury. Hellboy has been shown to tear down a large tree and hurl it as a weapon, as well as cars, and toss opponents weighing several hundred pounds many yards away with one hand. Hellboy’s right hand, referred to as the “Right Hand of Doom”, is effectively invulnerable and feels no pain, serving much like a sledgehammer when used to punch an enemy. And he’s tapping a chick who can spontaneously combust. Hot.

Mongol Cavalry – Description by Doug

Mongol Cavalry were the backbone of Genghis Khan’s ascent to power. Grown from hard fighting clansmen, these warriors could time their shots so that they let loose the arrows only during the perfect calm that exists when all four of the horse’s hooves leave the ground. The number of significant battles they lost during the 13th century can be counted on one hand.

These were the baddest mother fuckers to ever ride horses. Each warrior maintained 3-4 horses, and could live off the land for weeks at a time, often subsisting only on the milk their mare would provide. For training, the Mongol horsemen would make a great circle, and drive all manner of animals in towards the center, and on the order of their commander, begin the slaughter. If any hunter killed any creature before the appointed time, or if one allowed an animal to escape from the ring, they would be punished. This was an excellent way for the Mongols to train, and enjoy the recreation of hunting, as well as gather huge amounts of food for massive feasts.

Warren Buffet – Description by Doug

In 1943 Warren Buffet filed his first tax return at the age of 13, claiming his bike and watch ($35) as a business expense of his paper route. In his freshman year he spent, $25 to put a pinball machine in a barber shop, and soon expanded to three additional locations. Through extraordinary investing abilities, he became the richest man in the world in 2008.
Warren still lives in the home he purchased for $31,500 in 1958. Since his wife’s death in 2006, he has announced plans to give 85% of his $58-62 Billion away to various charities. This largely part of his personal dislike of dynastic wealth or what he calls: “members of the lucky sperm club.”

Oswald Chesterfield “Penguin” Cobblepot

The Penguin is able to cause horrible chaos in the streets of Gotham City despite being a disgusting, nearly-spherically fat, chain smoker whose only weapon is an umbrella gun. The penguin’s true strength comes from his laugh, which can be written as “waugh waugh,” although that does not truly give justice to the glory and strength of the villainous cackle. In addition to his umbrella, The Penguin also wears a top hat, tuxedo, and monocle, which combine to illustrate his gentlemanly qualities. The Penguin’s anger stems from the bullying which he endured as a child, a pain which could understandably cause any man to crack and become unstable. If only The Penguin could have been born later, he might have been able to express his feelings on the internet.

Famous lines: “I just want to know… why they did what they felt they had to do… to a child who was born… a little different. A child… who spent his first Christmas – and many since – in a sewer…”

Bill “The Science Guy” Nye – Description by Doug

The celebrated host of “Bill Nye: The Science Guy”, Bill has brought scientific knowledge to young people the world over. His unusual style and [and not a] giant rat sidekick [who is on Beakman's World, not Bill Nye the Science Guy] led the way for Mythbusters and all other manner of fun to watch science shows.

He began his career a Boeing, where he designed hydraulic pressure resonance suppressor still used in the Boeing 747. Every couple of years he applies to be a NASA astronaut, but has always been rejected.

Click here to engage in Cock Wars!

How does it work?
I will post the polls in the Cock Wars 2009 forum, you vote for who you think is the most awesome in each, the winner moves on to the next round. Polls will run for a full week, and, until the final, four will be posted at a time.

How do I vote?
You must register a forums account to vote. Since the polls are also forums threads, you can post promotional items, and bitch merrily as the polls run. I personally accept and decline all new registrants to the forums, so I’ll know if you’re trying to cheat by registering extra accounts.

Who is eligible for Cock Wars 2009?
Basically any real person or fictional character or organization ever is a viable contestant. Historical figures, real or fake company mascots, movie characters, comic book characters, book characters, TV show hosts, video game characters, etc. Anybody you can think of! No repeats from Cock Wars 2006, 2007, or 2008 are allowed.

The full bracket will be viewable here.

How many contestants will there be?
64 contestants, with four entrants per poll.

How long will it last?
Less than two months!

When does it start?
The first four polls will open Monday, March 16, 2009. Those polls will be closed the following Monday, when four new polls will open.

Will I hate you, this website, and humanity when this is all over?
The hatred over Cock Wars has subsided in recent years.

You used to do character descriptions, what happened?
I stopped writing those because it was driving me insane. I’m considering bringing it back, but only if I can get some help with the writing, more info here.

This year began far later than was planned, as I initially felt pretty uninspired about doing it. I was eventually harassed into starting things up though, and I’m glad I was, as this year turned out to be pretty fun. Plenty of people voted, and there was no cheating. If only Yoda could have won.

In something less than a year Cock Wars 2009: A New Penis will begin!

Yoshi
Dr. Phlox
Albert Wesker
Ultros

Kaywinnit Lee “Kaylee” Frye
The Power Rangers
Korben Dallas
Gaston

Molly Weasley
Sean Connery
Ralph Wiggum
Mongol Empire

Charles Darwin
Mace Windu
Rocky Balboa
Gimli

Legolas
Ivan Drago
Jabba the Hutt
Karl Marx

Ancient Rome
Martin Prince
Jack Nicholson
Remus Lupin

Jafar
Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg
The Decepticons
Hoban “Wash” Washburne

Kefka
Jill Valentine
Dr. Julian Bashir
Princess “Peach” Toadstool

The Doctor
Bowser
Celes Chere
Leon S. Kennedy

The Autobots
Jayne Cobb
Scar
Leeloo

Morgan Freeman
Neville Longbottom
China
Hans Moleman

Darth Vader
Egon Spangler
Aragorn
He-man

Toad
Bilbo Baggins
Nemesis
Yoda

Malcolm “Mal” Reynolds
Russia
Ruby Rhod
Clint Eastwood

Rubeus Hagrid
Maleficent
Nedward “Ned” Flanders
The Ninja Turtles

Stay Puft
Shadow
Skeletor
Leonard “Bones” McCoy

How does it work?
I post polls on the forums, you vote for who you think is the most awesome in each, the winner moves on to the next round. Polls will run for a full week, and, until the final, four will be posted at a time. The first four polls will open Monday, March 24, those polls will be closed the following Monday, when four new polls will open.

Who is eligible for Cock Wars 2008?
Basically any real person or fictional character ever is a viable contestant. Historical figures, real or fake company mascots, movie characters, comic book characters, book characters, tv show hosts, video game characters, etc. Anybody you can think of! No repeats from Cock Wars 2006 or 2007 are allowed.

The full bracket will be viewable here.

How many contestants will there be?
64 contestants, with four entrants per poll.

How long will it last?
Less than two months!

Can I spam the poll or otherwise cheat?
Fuck no. The polls are being conducted on the forums this year, which means only registered members can vote, and only once. I personally accept and decline all new registrants to the forums, so I’ll know if you’re trying to register extra accounts just to cheat.

When does it start?
Monday, March 24, 2008.

Will I hate you, this website, and humanity when this is all over?
Without a doubt.

Anything else?
I will post the polls in the Cock Wars 2008 forum, the threads will be linked to from the front page, but you must register a forums account to vote. Since the polls are also forums threads, you can post promotional items, and bitch merrily as the polls run.

This year featured far less controversy than last year, and I don’t even hate anyone or want to stop doing Cock Wars. Gandalf was crowned fairly, and he is the undeniable victor. Both his cock and his beard reign supreme.

I hope that next year will be as fun and relaxing as this year has been. In approximately 300 days Cock Wars 2008: Revenge of the Wang will begin.

Geico Gecko
Dumbledore
John McClane
Acid Burn

Steven Colbert
Ignignokt and Err
Professor Farnsworth
Seth

Geordi LaForge
Lennie Briscoe
Genie
Han Solo

William Wallace
Robert Muldoon
Dr. Claw
Force of Nature

Cap’n Crunch

Description: Oh captain, my Cap’n Crunch battles the forces of sogginess in order to cut the mouth roofs of children everywhere. He keeps his eyebrows on his hat, as all good cartoon seamen do. Somewhere between now and the year 3000 he will be promoted to admiral, proving his immortality.

Special move: Giving toy whistles to potential hackers, inspiring them to get free phone calls. These hackers probably hang out with Steve Jobs and Woz.

Carlton Banks

Description: Carlton Banks is the staunchly Republican frenemy of Will Smith. His favourite musician is Tom Jones and his favourite actor is god and creator of the universe, William Shatner.

Famous lines: “How’s it going there Will?”

Special move: Carlton dance.

Sauron “The Necromancer”

Description: Sauron is a Maia, who, without physical form, managed to build a mighty empire of Orcs and other more ghastly creatures, threatening the whole of Middle Earth. His strength is so great that only by throwing his Ring of Power into the fires of Mount Doom can he be defeated.

Famous lines: “Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk, agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.” Translated as: “One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.”

What others are saying: “My master Sauron bids thee welcome.” – Mouth Of Sauron “In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master ring, to control all others. And into this Ring, he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life.” – Narrator

Special moves: Tricking Elves into making some rings to manipulate and control the races of Middle Earth. Losing the most powerful ring to a green dude with a speech impediment.

Léon the Professional

Description: Léon is a detached and emotionless killer who shows sexism and compassion by not going after women or children. Much like Korben Dallas and The Transporter, Léon’s steely facade is melted when he meets a seemingly innocent, but ultimately remarkable young woman. Natalie Portman found him attractive, but it might not count because she was 12 at the time.

Famous lines: When asked “Is life always this hard, or is it just when you’re a kid?” He responds “Always like this.”

Special move: Shooting while hanging upside down.

Geno

Description: Geno is a doll, possessed by a Star agent sent to recover the Star Peices. His real name is not only unpronounceable, but also untypable in a Notepad document. His role in Mario’s Legend of the Seven Stars is integral, as he is the only character who does decent magic damage. Actually, he does more than decent damage, and single-handedly breaks the game and makes it incredibly easy.

Famous lines: “I serve… a higher authority…”

Special move: Geno Flash.

Lieutenant Commander Data

Description: Data is a Soong type android who serves as operations manager, chief science officer, and second officer under Captain Jean-Luc Picard aboard the USS Enterprise. He is fully functional, in every way of course. He has been intimate with a broad range of women, including Tasha Yar and the Borg Queen. The fact that he is an android, incapable of emotion, is his primary draw for women, as they have been taught through a gendering process to find emotionless men attractive. This is proven when the altogether more emotional and human Geordi LaForge fails repeatedly and utterly with women. That a fake man has no problem fucking real women while a real man is forced to fuck fake women should be pondered with a heavy heart by all women of the world, hopefully it will inspire them to cast off the yoke of gender oppression and have sex with the Geordi LaForge’s of their lives. Data has a large family, two brothers, one maniacal and one dim-witted, and a short-lived daughter. He was built by Dr. Noonien Soong, considered to be Data’s father, who descends from Arik Soong of the 22nd century.

Famous lines: “Blown, sir.” “Oh, shit!”

Battle cry: “Lock and load.”

What others are saying: “I don’t see no points on your ears, boy, but you sound like a Vulcan!” – Leonard McCoy

Special move: Two-handed punch.

Dr. Ian Malcolm

Description: Dr. Malcolm is a brilliant chaotician who is suckered into visiting John Hammond’s Jurassic Park. Somehow, his extreme brilliance doesn’t stop him from getting killed by dinosaurs, getting brought back to life, and then hanging out with dinosaurs again.

Famous lines: “The lack of humility before nature that’s being displayed here, uh… staggers me.” “She’s… ah… tenacious.” “No, I’m simply saying that life, uh… finds a way.” “Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.” “But, John. But if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists.”

Special move: Getting more screen time by saying “uh.”

Hack and Slash

Description: Hack and Slash are Megabyte’s ruthless henchmen. They are extremely resilient, capable of being blown apart over and over without ever being destroyed. Their mental capabilities are reserved for finishing each other’s sentences.

Special move: Jet-pack flying.

Wednesday Friday Addams

Description: Wednesday is the gothic, morbid, murderous, deadpan daughter of Gomez and Morticia Addams. Her primary hobby is trying to murder her overweight brother.

Famous lines: “Pugsley, sit in the chair… because we’re going to play a game… it’s called, ‘Is There a God?’”

Special move: Strapping you into an electric chair.

Bender Bending Rodríguez

Description: Bender is an alcoholic, thieving, gambling, lying, cheating, suicidal, egomaniacal, smoking, robo-slut seducing bending unit. He seeks to kill all humans.

Famous lines: “Chump.” “Chumpette.” “Yours.” “Up.” “Pimpmobile.” “Bite.” “My.” “Shiny.” “Daffodil.” “Ass.”

Battle cry: “Bite my shiny metal ass!”

What others are saying: “Remember me.” – A giant statue built in Bender’s honour.

Special move: Kleptomania.

Polar Kraken

Description: Polar Kraken is an 11/11 trampling, cumulative upkeeping, iceberg swallowing son of a bitch. It eats islands on your upkeep, that’s how big it is.

What others are saying: “It was big. Really, really, big. No, bigger than that. It was big!” -Arna Kennerud, Skyknight

Special move: Comes into play tapped.

Scrooge McDuck

Description: Scrooge McDuck is an incredibly wealthy cheap bastard. His estimated net worth is one multiplujillion, nine obsquatumatillion, six hundred twenty-three dollars and sixty-two cents. One might think the gold in Scrooge’s Money Bin is the majority of his wealthy, but that is only the money he has earned personally, and most of his financial holdings are invested elsewhere.

Famous lines: “I can’t go on like this – losing a billion dollars a minute! I’ll be broke in 600 years!”

Special move: Withstanding the agony of swimming through gold coins.

The Brain

Description: The Brain is the pre-eminent mastermind of micekind. When famed author Douglas Adams claims that mice are the smartest creatures on Earth, he is actually citing the average IQ of all mice, including The Brain’s. All other mice are quite daft, but Brain alone brings the average far above that of humans and dolphins.

Famous lines: “Come Pinky, we must prepare for tomorrow night” To which Pinky responds “Gee, Brain, what are we doing tomorrow night?” and Brain answers “The same thing we do every night, Pinky — Try to take over the world!”

What others are saying: “[His voice is] 65% Orson Welles, 35% Vincent Price”. – LaMarche

Sir Winston Churchill

Description: Winston Churchill was Prime Minister of Britain during World War II and was voted Greatest Briton of all time.

Famous lines: When Lady Nancy Astor said to him “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.” He responded “Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.” When Bessie Braddock told him “Sir, you are drunk.” He responded “And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.” “From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic an iron curtain has descended across the Continent.”

Battle cry: “We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.”

Special move: Wearing a hat and a cane.

Bob Barker

Description: Bob Barker is the host of The Price is Right, still going strong after nearly 35 years of service. Despite his extreme old age of 83, he is still better at all of the Price is Right games than any of the moron contestants on the show.

Famous lines: “Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pet spayed or neutered. Good-bye, everybody!”

Battle cry: “Here is the first item up for bids today.”

Special moves: Punching Happy Gilmore. Putting in the mini-golf game.

Jack Bauer

Description: Sometimes, a man just doesn’t feel like researching a character he has no prior knowledge of. I am that man. I am Jack’s colon. I am Jack’s smirking revenge. I am Jack’s cold sweat. I am Jack’s raging bile duct. I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise. I am Jack’s wasted life. I am Jack’s inflamed sense of rejection. I am Jack’s broken heart.

Famous lines: “I’m Federal Agent Jack Bauer, and today is the longest day of my life.”

Special move: Having a hot daughter.

Colonel Sanders

Description: Colonel Sanders is the founder and mascot of Kentucky Fried Chicken. He perfected his infamous secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices in a diabolical plan to grease the entire world enough to speed up the planet’s rotation.

Battle cry: “Finger-lickin’ good.”

Special move: Flying scissor kicks to the throat.

Jon Stewart

Description: Jon Stewart is the host of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show. He replaced the unfunniest man in the history of television, Craig Kilborn, as host in 1999. He has given birth to the careers of Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert. Jon also does a really accurate impersonation of Dick Cheney.

Battle cry: “Douche.”

What others are saying: “Jon.” – Steven Colbert

Scruffy

Description: Scruffy is Planet Express’ janitor. He believes in dying the way he lived, that is to view in rapt pleasure the pages of Zero-G Juggs.

Famous lines: “‘Course it’s shank or be shanked.”

Battle cry: “Oh marmalade…”

Dr. Cox

Description: Dr. Cox is… a doctor. I’ve never watched more than five minutes of Scrubs, and fuck if I’m going to research it when I could be sleeping. If you don’t know who “Cox” is, well then you’re going to have to go ahead and take the time to do a little research on your own.

Famous lines: “I wanted you to think about yourself, and I mean really think. What are you good at? What do you suck at? And then I want you to put it down on paper. And not so I could see it, and not so somebody else could see it, but so you could see it.”

Special move: Fuck you, I don’t know.

Drudge “Drudgies” Skeletons

Description: Drudgies are the meanest 1/1s you’ll ever encounter. They have a converted mana cost of two, and they can regenerate for one. If you’re attacking with some kind of mighty beast, you’d better hope he has trample, or else Drudgies is going to block the cunt out of him.

What others are saying: “Bones scattered around us joined to form misshapen bodies. We struck at them repeatedly—they fell, but soon formed again, with the same mocking look on their faceless skulls.”

Special move: B: Regenerate Drudge Skeletons.

Senior Chief Petty Officer Miles “Smiley” Edward O’Brien

Description: When the United Federation of Planets needs a job done, they call on O’Brien to get it done. When they have a war to fight against the Cardassians, the Cardassians again, the Dominion, the Klingons, the Dominion again, they give Smiley a ring and he kicks some ass and uses racial slurs while he’s at it. When something is broken, he fixes it. When somebody needs to be tortured, he gets tortured, at least once a season. He gets married by Captains to hot women half his age, Bajorans to carry his children, and Klingons to deliver them. Miles loves his wife even when she manages to age in reverse and become even younger.

Famous lines: “Jamaican blend, double-strong, double-sweet.”

Special moves: Kayaking, two-handed punch.

Samuel “Screech” Powers

Description: My recollections of Screech are vague, though I do recall that he enjoys bonsai, much like myself. He grew up and started giving women dirty sanchezs, if you’re wondering.

Famous lines: “Once, my dad let me back his car out of the garage. Then he got mad at me… well, he had a right to be – I forgot to open the garage door.”

What others are saying: “I hope your dad had ‘dork’ insurance.” – Lisa

Bebop and Rocksteady

Description: Bebop and Rocksteady are mutated members of a street gang, so masculine that they actually volunteered. Formerly human, they are now an anthropomorphic warthog and rhinoceros respectively. This animal-esque appearance makes them the fantasy of some 90% of all internet users. One can only imagine the sexual force these two yield. I can picture some finger cuffs action going on, with possible high-fives over the back.

Special move: Incompetence.

Alex J. “RoboCop” Murphy

Description: RoboCop, part man, part machine, all cock. He fights corruption, crime, and drugs. One such drug is Nuke, an addictive substance so destructive that it would have brought down society entirely if it had not been for RoboCop.

What others are saying: “PLEASE PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON. YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO COMPLY.” – ED-209

Special moves: 1. Serve the public trust 2. Protect the innocent 3. Uphold the law 4. Classified.

Obi-Wan Kenobi

Description: I would describe Mr. Kenobi in detail, but I would prefer to let him do the talking.

Famous lines: “You don’t want to sell me death sticks. You want to go home and rethink your life.” “You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the force, not leave it in darkness!” “Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.” “These are not the droids you’re looking for.” “I feel a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.” “That’s no moon, it’s a space station.” “Who’s more foolish? The fool, or the fool who follows him?” “Use the Force, Luke.”

Special move: Jedi mind tricks.

John “Ray” Arnold

Description: John, and sometimes Ray, Arnold is a technological wizard thwarted only by fat men and velociraptors. Even after his body is eaten, his arm is able to console Dr. Ellie Sattler until she discovers his body is gone, at which point she twirls around and screams.

Famous lines: “I can’t get Jurassic Park back online without Dennis Nedry.”

Battle cries: “Hold onto your butts.” “PLEASE! GODAMMIT! I hate this hacker crap!”

Special move: Accessing main program.

Kane

Description: They say he’s “the nefarious and seemingly immortal mastermind behind the ancient and secretive Brotherhood of Nod society” and I choose to believe that. He once acted as Stalin’s advisor and “he was the true power behind Stalin and used the USSR.”

Famous lines: “If I’m cut, do I not bleed?” “He who controls the past commands the future. He who commands the future conquers the past.” [Editors note: this guy needs to look up the shit he's trying to quote, at least he's trying I guess.]

Battle cry: “Kane… LIVES!”

Special move: The ability to move his troops into buildings for cover. An innovation never achieved by the great Terrans, Protoss, or Zerg.

Drake “Darkwing Duck” Mallard”

Description: Darkwing Duck is a superhero with a past eerily similar to that of Superman’s. He chills with Launchpad McQuack, a pretty awesome dude with a cleft beak.

Famous lines: “Let’s get dangerous!”

What others are saying: “When there’s trouble you can call D. W.”

Special move: I have vague recollections of a gun that looked like a Lego gun I have.

Lydia Deetz

Description: Lydia Deetz was theoretically portrayed by a seventeen year old, so, you know, she’s legal. She’s also a goth whose pass times include hanging out with dead people and complaining.

Famous lines: “Shake, shake, shake, Senora, shake it all the time. Work, work, work, Senora, work your body line. Work, work, work, Senora, work it all the time.”

Special move: Lip syncing and levitating at the same time.

Sigmund Freud

Description: Freudian slip. Oedipal complex. Psychoanalysis. You would not know what these things were if it were not for Freud. If he didn’t invent them, he popularized them.

Famous lines: “The only unnatural sexual behavior is none at all.”

What others are saying: “He had a sharp vision; no illusions lulled him to sleep except for an often exaggerated faith in his own ideas.” – Albert Einstein

Special move: Smoking a “cigar.”

Krang

Description: Wikipedia says “Krang is an extremely intelligent warlord from Dimension X.” They also describe him as a “supervillain.” I don’t know how to say it any better than that. Krang resides in an exosuit which resembles a deformed wrestler. It can grow massively into city-destroying proportions. His exosuit is a mere replacement for his former body, and all of Krang’s flesh that still exists is actually pure brain. Somehow his brain has tentacle arms.

Famous lines: “I want that robot!”

What others are saying: “Now Krang, you can’t have everything you see on TV!” – Shredder

Special move: Tentacle rape, obviously.

Kool-Aid Man

Description: The Kool-Aid Man is a walking, running, talking, wall-breaking badass with Kool-Aid enough for all the bastard children of the world.

Battle cry: “OH, YEAAHH!”

Special move: Diabetes.

Turanga Leela

Description: Leela is the one-eyed captain of The Planet Express Ship. She is the most human mutant that has ever been born in the sewers of New New York. She once had sex with the second greatest man of all time, Zapp Brannigan, and once made out with the greatest man of all time, William Shatner.

Famous lines: “Now all the planets are going to start cracking wise about our mothers.” “Axe.”

Special move: Flying battle kick.

Donald Duck

Description: Donald is a furious duck, short of temper, biding his time before he can overthrow Mickey Mouse for ultimate control of the empire of Disney. Ebenezer Scrooge once rejected an invitation to Donald’s house for Christmas dinner.

Battle cry: Incomprehensible quacking.

Megabyte

Description: Megabyte is the brilliant and over-all awesome virus of Mainframe. His greatness is so large that it entirely overshadows that of the other virus living in Mainframe, Hexadecimal. He seeks dominance over Mainframe and to transform it into the orderly Megaframe.

Special move: Retractable yellow claws of rape.

Chef Torte

Description: Chef Torte is a baker so superb that he once managed to make a living cake. He looks like a Koopa, but for some reason speaks with a German accent. If Chef Torte ever falls off a ladder, spectators will be forced to say “see ya ladder Chef Torte.”

Famous lines: “I vant to be a vald class-baker.”

Battle cry: “Zee cake’s alive! RUN!!”

Special move: Baking, you got a problem with that?

Selene

Description: Selene is the hottest fucking vampire of all time. She wears this tight fucking black leather which shows off her ridiculously hot vampire body.

Famous lines: “I am a Death Dealer, sworn to destroy those known as the Lycans. Our war has waged for centuries, unseen by human eyes. But all that is about to change.”

Special move: Moving at all. Not moving, also. Seriously, it hurts just thinking about how hot she is.

Albert Einstein

Description: Einstein is undoubtedly the most famous scientist of all time. He encouraged development of the atomic bomb, though later regretted it. He came up with the general theory of relativity, and somehow figured out that going really fast makes you move slower in time. Einstein was Time magazine’s man of the 20th century.

Famous lines: “God does not play dice.” “I do not know how the Third World War will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

Battle cry: “E=mc2″

What others are saying: “He was the embodiment of pure intellect, the bumbling professor with the German accent, a comic cliche in a thousand films. Instantly recognizable, like Charlie Chaplin’s Little Tramp, Albert Einstein’s shaggy-haired visage was as familiar to ordinary people as to the matrons who fluttered about him in salons from Berlin to Hollywood. Yet he was unfathomably profound–the genius among geniuses who discovered, merely by thinking about it, that the universe was not as it seemed.” – Time Magazine

Special move: Being impersonated in a mediocre Meg Ryan movie.

Lieutenant Junior Grade Reginald “Reg” Endicott Barclay “Broccoli” III

Description: To say that Barclay is a great man is absurd, and even saying that he is the greatest man is an understatement. The English language is incapable of expressing just how great Barclay is. His cock is not of the universe, the universe is of his cock. He has been through many hardships, he was once turned into a giant spider, and his IQ was once made 1025, a severe lowering, I assure you. He was an amazing engineer aboard the Enterprise, and even met Zephram Cochrane on one of their missions. He also played a vital role in returning Voyager to Earth.

Battle cry: Incoherent stuttering.

What others are saying: “Broccoli.” – Jean-Luc Picard

Special moves: Seeing worm guys in the transporter. Two-handed punch.

Alex Trebek

Description: Alex Trebek is the god of trivia, the overlord of Jeopardy! itself. He is a formerly honourable man who betrayed his fans when he shaved his iconic moustache and became an American citizen.

What others are saying: “Shuck it Trebek” – Sean Connery

Special move: Telling you you’re wrong over and over until you cry.

Craw Wurm

Description: Creature – Wurm, power: 6, toughness: 4.

What others are saying: “The most terrifying thing about the Craw Wurm is probably the horrible crashing sound it makes as it speeds through the forest. This noise is so loud it echoes through the trees and seems to come from all directions at once.”

Special move: Tapping to attack.

Steven Q. Urkel

Description: Steve Urkel is an inventor extraordinaire, his inventions include a machine which can transform a human being into an entirely different person, a time machine, a shrinking machine, and a cloning machine. He once fucked a chick with a huge rack.

Famous lines: “Did I do that?” “Got any cheese?”

Battle cry: “If you want to do the Steve Urkel dance, all you have to do is hitch up your pants, bend your knees, and stick out your pelvis; (I’m telling you, baby, it’s better than Elvis!)”

Gandalf “Mithrandir” “Greyhame” “the Grey” “Stormcrow”

Description: Gandalf is a Maiar of Valinor, one of five sent to Middle Earth, and the only one not to stray. He wields the second greatest cane of all time.

Famous lines: “There is only one Lord of the Ring, only one who can bend it to his will, and he does not share power!” “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” “If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose.”

Battle cry: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!”

What others are saying: “Your love of the halflings’ leaf has clearly slowed your mind.” – Saruman “I will break him.” – The Witch-king of Angmar

Special move: Talking to moths.

John Hammond

Description: Hammond is the exceedingly wealthy owner and founder of InGen, a company which managed to extract dinosaur DNA from mosquitoes preserved in amber and then used it to clone living dinosaurs. He is a visionary unmatched, and lets you know it by wearing a beard, all white clothing, and the greatest cane of all time.

Famous lines: “Spared no expense.” “Welcome… to Jurassic Park!” “Dennis… our lives are in your hands, and you have butterfingers?”

Special move: Random canings.

The “T-800″ Terminator

Description: The Terminator is a Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 android made of a metal alloy endoskeleton with living tissue overtop.

Famous lines: “I’ll be back.” “Hasta la vista, baby!” “I now know why you cry, but it is something I can never do.”

Special move: Fucking up some shit.

Harry and Marv

Description: Harry and Marv, known as the “Wet Bandits” are a pair of robbers in such incredible physical condition that they have survived being hit in the face by paint cans, having book shelves fall on them, and having their hair lit on fire.

Special move: Surviving.

Severus Snape

Description: Snape is the hook-nosed, greasy haired Professor of Potions at Hogwarts. He’s not a villain, Dumbledore totally asked him to kill him!

Battle cry: “Expeliarmus!”

Special move: Occlumency.

How does it work?
I post a poll on the forums, you vote for who you think is the most awesome, the winner moves on to the next round. Polls will run for 48 hours. The first poll will open Friday, February 2, 2007, and they’ll go up each Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, hopefully around the same time each day. Sunday will be a day of rest for Cock Wars.

Who is eligible for Cock Wars 2007?
Basically any real person or fictional character ever is a viable contestant. Historical figures, real or fake company mascots, movie characters, comic book characters, book characters, tv show hosts, video game characters, etc. Anybody you can think of! No repeats from Cock Wars 2006 are allowed.

Nominations for entrants can be made here.

The full bracket will be viewable here.

How many contestants will there be?
64 contestants. Four entrants per poll until the competitors have been narrowed down to the final four, and then there will be two entrants per poll.

How long will it last?
About two months.

Can I spam the poll or otherwise cheat?
Fuck no. The polls are being conducted on the forums this year, which means only registered members can vote, and only once. I personally accept and decline all new registrants to the forums, so I’ll know if you’re trying to register extra accounts just to cheat.

When does it start?
Friday, February 2, 2007.

What if I don’t know who the contestants are?
I’ll do a write-up for each character before they’re in any poll. I also promise to not do the write-ups at the very last possible minute so that they’re not full of grammatical errors.

Will I hate you, this website, and humanity when this is all over?
Without a doubt.

Anything else?
I will post a new thread in the Cock Wars 2007 forum for each contest which will also contain the poll. The thread will be linked to from the front page, but you must register a forums account to vote. Since the polls are also forums threads, you can post promotional items and bitch merrily as the polls run.

This year was chock full cock fighting, and a winner was crowned only after much controversy. Three favourites were disqualified for evidence of cheating: Infested Kerrigan, Mr. Spock, and Evil Dead’s Ash.

Next year promises to be filled with even more excitement, boredom, and bullshit as in a mere twelve months we will be ready for Cock Wars 2007: Attack of the Dicks.

Jack “Mr. Box” in the Box

Description: Jack is the CEO of the Jack in the Box, a vast chain of restaurants. Through Jack’s impeccable suaveness, the company has endured great controversy, and continues to serve food which I have never eaten.

Special move: E. coli.

Zapp “The Zapper” Brannigan

Description: The Zapper is a brilliant 25 star General and Captain of the starship Nimbus for the Democratic Order of Planets. He has great skills with the ladies, as witnessed by his seduction of the one-eyed Leela. His tactics for seduction vary, though he did use guilt to get Leela, an honorable tactic. Additionally, he runs a website, not an easy task, I assure you.

Famous lines: “Captain’s journal. Stardate … uh … April 13.2. We have failed to uphold Brannigan’s Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?” “Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.” “Brannigan’s law is like Brannigan’s love, hard and fast.”

Battle cry: “You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shut down.”

Special move: Two-handed punch.

Link

Description: Link is the legendary hero of time who rises up from obscurity to conquer the evil Ganon again and again. He is so courageous that the actual Triforce of Courage exists within him. Link is an impeccable lady killer, as he has banged: Zelda, that fish chick, and, most importantly, that red head with the ridiculously nice tits. This red head is so hot that I have been known to utilize her in masturbatory fantasies.

Famous lines: …

Battle cry: “Hyaaa!”

Special move: Down and B.

Ash Ketchum

Description: Ash is a Pokemon trainer who has traveled the world trying to “catch ‘em all.” He has successfully earned many Gym badges, beaten Team Rocket countless times, and trained the world’s strongest Pikachu. Additionally, Ash’s cock is greatly preferred by his underage cohort, Misty, to that of the much older Brock.

Battle cry: “Pikachu, I choose you!”

Special move: Ordering his horde of Pokemon to attack you, one at a time.

Wario

Description: Wario is the brother of Mario, Luigi, and Waluigi. He is mistrusted by the former two, and deeply respected by latter one. His greatness is undeniable, though his goodness is ambiguous. Wario is best known for his love of coins, an understandable infatuation.

Battle cry: “Coins!”

Special move: Stealing.

Cupid

Description: Cupid is the terrifying naked man-child of Valentine’s Day. He serves to get people laid by shooting their love interests with poisoned arrows, allowing the pursuer to have their way with their victim undaunted. Cupid has never assisted me in this manner, because the whole world is against me.

Special move: Shooting poisoned arrows of love.

Bill Murray

Description: Bill Murray is the impeccable star of some of the greatest movies of all time. His filmography includes: Ghost Busters, Groundhog Day, The Man Who Knew Too Little, The Royal Tenenbaums, Lost in Translation, and my second favourite movie of all time, Rushmore. Frankly, Bill Murray is just an awesome guy.

What others are saying: “Bill Groundhog-Day, Ghostbustin’-ass Murray!” – GZA

Special move: Acting via standing still.

James Bond

Description: I will allow the lyric’s to Placebo’s Miss Moneypenny do the talking:
“Every job he saves the girl
martini, mobile phone
bastards getting in his way
they’re all pushing daisies
All you need to make a movie is a gun and a girl”

Famous lines: “Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred.”

Battle cry: “Bond, James Bond.”

Special move: Epic smoothness.

Hermione Granger

Description: Hermione is the female component of the Harry-Ron-Hermione three wheeled combo of pain. Her elite wizarding abilities and astute academic skills make her a vital component of the forces of good.

Famous lines: “No, stop! Stop! Stop! You’re going to take someone’s eye out. Besides, you’re saying it wrong. It’s LeviOsa, not LevioSA!”

Special move: Ron seduction.

Reggie “Reginator” Fils-Aime

Description: Reggie is Nintendo of America’s Executive Vice President of Sales and Marketing. His marketing skills are chock-full of badassery, and he is a major component of the new, revised, all-ass-kicking, all-the-time-awesomeness of the revitalized Nintendo.

Battle cry: “My name is Reggie. I’m about kicking ass, I’m about taking names, and we’re about making games.”

Special move: Standing back flip.

The Beast

Description: Beast is a mutant, and member of the X-Men. He possesses unbelievable strength, but also an all encompassing intellect. It is partly his noble will to be both intelligent and physically fit that gives me the confidence to become a more fit human being myself. Beast, you make me want to be a better man.

Special move: Hanging upside down.

Edmund Duke

Description: General Duke serves under Mengsk as an unstoppable tactician, and he pilot’s the unsinkable Norad II battlecruiser. When I say unsinkable, I really mean unstoppable, and by unstoppable, I mean stoppable by only an even greater ship, that being anything named Enterprise.

Famous lines: “Y’all need some good ol’ fashioned discipline.”

Special move: Yamato Cannon.

William T. Riker

Description: Commander Riker is the pimpingest pimp of the 24th century. He could state Brannigan’s famous line “I did make it with a hot alien babe” every day, and he would be right, every day. Riker has banged seemingly every woman from every alien species, as well as all human women. His elite beard skills have served him well over a distinguished Star Fleet career. Riker is the first officer aboard the USS Enterprise, serving under the eternally supreme Jean-Luc Picard.

Special move: Two-handed punch.

Gimpy aka “G-Prime”

Description: Wikipedia describes Gimpy as “the über-nerd,” probably the most accurate description of Gimpy possible. He is a raging Star Wars fan, stark opponent of leaving his room, brilliant RISK strategist, and huge proponent of the webcam. Gimpy has had an online girlfriend, and successfully fought off unending hordes of Star Trek fans.

Battle cry: “Kamikaze! Kamikaze! Kamikaze!”

Special move: Making fake ID’s.

Tidus

Description: Tidus is the most submissive bitch in existence. His sole goal in life is to have everyone and everything dominate him anally. Tidus is capable of having several cinder blocks inserted in his ass without so much as noticing, due to the amount of cock, donkey cock, strap-on, and everything else that have already stretched him out.

E. Honda

Description: E. Honda is a great and beastly sumo wrestler who seeks to prove the legitimacy of sumo wrestling to the world. His fighting skills are unmatched, his greatest move, known as the hundred-hand slap is such a furious move that men have died just looking at it. When they do not die of fright, they force E. Honda to kill them, through trapping them in the corner and then applying hundreds of super fast slaps.

Famous lines: “It’s natural for a sumo wrestler to become the world’s strongest!”

Battle cry: “Oygotu!” …or something like that.

Special move: Hundred-hand slap in the corner.

The Grimace

Description: According to Wikipedia, McDonald’s states that “Grimace is a big, loving, fuzzy purple fellow who is Ronald McDonald’s best friend. He’s sure Ronald is the world’s ultimate authority on everything.” While I am not certain putting absolute trust in a clown is a great indication, The Grimace is an undeniable powerhouse of greatness and cock.

Special move: Purple.

The Shredder

Description: Shredder, a legendary ninja, is the sworn enemy of Splinter. He uses the foot soldiers at his disposal to fight the minions of Splinter, known as the Ninja Turtles. He chills out with some kind of freaky ass floating brain thing called Krang sometimes, too.

Special moves: Claws of doom. Being killed, and then bursting out of his grave to fight again.

Bruce Willis

Description: Bruce is a highly adept contemporary actor. His film credits include The Fifth Element, Die Hard, and Sin City.

Special move: Saving the world.

The Overmind

Description:The Overmind is the controlling will of the Zerg horde. He is a big, slimy, greasy mother fucker, with a will to dominate.

Famous lines: “Awaken my child and embrace the glory that is your birthright. Know that I am The Overmind, the eternal will of the swarm, and that you have been created to serve me.”

Battle cry: “Feel the groove, I control the way you move.”

Special move: Overwhelming Infested Terran horde.

M. Bison

Description: M. Bison is no mere Street Fighter, but in fact a criminal mastermind and fighting juggernaut. His organization, Shadaloo, has vast power, although in confusing formats. It is certainly a criminal organization, and it may or may not control the entirety of what is commonly referred to as “China.”

Famous lines: “You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead you found a GOD!”

Battle cry: “Anyone who opposes me shall be destroyed.”

Special move: Flying.

Easter Bunny

Description: The Easter Bunny is, like many of his holiday cohorts, a stealthy fellow who is capable of sneaking into any home undetected. He has lured all children into believing his chocolate treats are safe and tasty, though I suspect he is luring them into a false sense of security as part of a larger scheme to poison all the children of Earth.

Special move: Hiding chocolate.

Juggernaut

Description: Juggernaut, much like M. Bison, is a juggernaut. He is apparently not a mutant, though he tends to chill in the X-Men universe. I can only assume that his dick greatly resembles his head gear in its unstoppable girth.

Special move: Uber strength.

Q (James Bond)

Description: Q is the head of Q branch, which furnishes 00-agents with their obscene gadgetry. While never stated directly, it is highly likely that Q invented the universe itself.

Battle cry: “Don’t touch that! That’s my lunch.”

Special move: He invented you, he can destroy you.

Harry Potter

Description: Harry Potter is the boy who lived. He is the most famous wizard to ever, as he was instrumental in the defeat of the evil Lord Voldemort. Although Voldemort has returned, Harry has thus far done a decent job of keeping him at bay. In his personal life, Harry has managed to pull some quality macking on both Cho Chang and Ginny Weasley. It is undeniable that as more information of Harry is learned, it shall become known that Harry eventually bangs both of them in a raucous threesome.

Famous lines: “Wangoballwime?… Um, I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to go to the ball with me.”

Battle cry: “Expecto Patronum!”

Special move: Using his invisibility cloak to sneak into the ladies dormitory.

Steve Jobs

Description: Steve Jobs is the CEO of Apple Computer and now has large sway within the Disney corporation. Jobs is responsible for sexy, overpriced computers, as well as sexy, overpriced mp3 players.

Famous lines: “I want a mouse for $10 that can be mass-produced, because it’s going to be the primary interface of the computer of the future.”

Battle cry: “Mac OS X Tiger will come out long before Longhorn.”

Sephiroth

Description: I know fuck all about Sephiroth, and he’s so lacking in cock I’m not even going to bother to investigate. Sephiroth’s phallus extends negatively, and actually forms an orifice into his body which can be penetrated and fucked.

Luigi

Description: Luigi is the abused sidekick and brother of Mario. He is essentially a taller, skinnier replica of Mario who wears green, yet somehow fails completely at most aspects of life. It is speculated that he was born only to make Mario look better. Luigi is occasionally tasked with rescuing Mario, however he tends to do this in tedious and boring ways, such as with a vacuum, or by wandering through some kind of boring ass shit towns whilst “Mario is missing.”

Special move: An inferiority complex.

James Tiberius Kirk

Description: The captain of the USS Enterprise during its history five year mission, James Tiberius Kirk is perhaps the most important figure in all Federation history. Kirk is a leader of men, a chronic fucker of women, a galactic badass who follows the prime directive only when it suites him. Kirk is a time traveling, marshmellon eating, saviour of the galaxy. Kirk kicks unabridged ass in every situation, whether from the bridge of the Enterprise, or face to face with his enemies. Memory Alpha states: “Kirk’s command style frequently brought him in close proximity to his enemies, often resulting in hand-to-hand combat. His idiosyncratic martial-arts style used hand-chops to the neck, wrestling throws, round-house punches, two-fisted swings and open-hand slaps in varying combinations. A variety of enemy guards and henchmen were overwhelmed by one or two of Kirk’s blows.”

Famous lines: “Well double dumb ass on you!”

Battle cries: “KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!!”

Special move: Two handed punch.

Mr. Burns

Description: Mr. Burns is the nefarious owner of a nuclear power plant, and is the richest, oldest man in Springfield. Mr. Burns has managed a seemingly endless display of dastardly deeds, including blocking out the sun and scraping the ocean floor bare.

Battle cry: “Excellent.”

Princess Zelda

Description: Zelda is the Princess of Hyrule, and possesses the triforce of wisdom within her. As a youth, Zelda has some quality, albeit boxy, tits, she grows up to be a make-up coated possessor of even finer tits. Zelda has a penchant for being kidnapped, though is a capable caster of magic, and has some skill with a bow.

Famous lines: “The flow of time is always cruel… its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it… A thing that does not change with time is a memory of younger days…”

Doctor Emmett “Doc” Brown

Description: Doc Brown is the scientist responsible for turning a DeLorean into a time machine thanks to his brilliant invention of the flux capacitor, which is what makes time travel possible.

Famous lines: “If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious shit.”

Battle cry: “1.21 GIGAWATTS?! 1.21 gigawatts! Great Scott!”

Special move: Going back to the future.

Michelin Man

Description: The Michelin Man is, remarkably, a sentient being comprised entirely of tires. While not present in artistic renderings, his cock-tacular cock is surely also comprised of tires, a great many, very broad tires.

Special move: Bouncing you around with his girth.

Richard Nixon

Description: Nixon is the 37th president of the United States, and the only such president to ever be successfully impeached. His impeachment was for what Wikipedia describes as “rampant corruption, illegality, and deceit.” Nixon went on to be re-elected in Futurama, due in large part to a massive, raging, robot body.

Famous lines: “I am not a crook.”

Special moves: Eye-gouging disguised as peace sign waving, spying.

Professor X

Description: Professor X is the founder and leader of the X-Men, a group of mutants who seek to use their mutant powers to do good. Xavier is also known for promoting the awesomeness of baldness.

Special move: Crazy brain shit.

Boris Grishenko

Description: Boris is an indomitable hacker from the USSR. His talents also include the sexual harassment of women, and absurd amounts of: awesomeness, radicalness, and badicalness.

Battle cry: “I am Invincible!”

Special move: Hacking.

Waluigi

Description: Waluigi’s goodness/badness is ambiguous. Amongst his three brothers, Wario would consider him a great man, as Wario is a frequent ally. However, to Mario, and Luigi, his other two brothers, he is likely considered evil, or at least misguided. Waluigi is a brilliant tennis player, and is a talented villain.

Special move: Turning his eyes into spinning rainbows of death.

Santa Claus

Description: Santa is an evil tool used by both Christians and Coca Cola to propogate their agendas. With their backing, he employs so-called “little persons” as slave labour in a sweat shop located at the North Pole.

Battle cry: “Ho ho ho!”

Special move: Sack beating.

Tifa “TITTIES” Lockhart

Description: TITTIES.

What others are saying: “TITTIES.” – ancient Chinese proverb

Special move: TITTIES.

Indiana Jones

Description: Indiana Jones is an archaeologist whose pass-times include killing Nazi’s, getting laid, shooting men who wave big swords at him, and whipping things with his whip.

Famous lines: “Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?”

What others are saying: “No time for love.” – Short Round

Special move: Whipping.

Draco Malfoy

Description: Draco is Harry Potter’s school hood nemesis at Hogwart’s. He is known for being a snobby, horrible person for no apparent reason, and hates wizard’s of non-magical decent with wild fanaticism. He’s also good at being rich.

Battle cry: “You filthy little mudblood!”

What others are saying: “You foul, loathsome, evil, little cockroach!” – Hermione

Special move: Dick prickery.

Linus Torvalds

Description: I don’t know fuck about Linus, other than that he created Linux. He apparently created Linux based on the Unix kernel (whatever that means), and Unix is something that is mentioned in Jurassic Park, so it has to be awesome.

What others are saying: “Lunix.”

Ganon

Description: Ganon holds the Triforce of Power, one third of the legendary Triforce which grants a wish to those who touch it. Ganon is inherently evil in every respect, and seeks to destroy Link and Zelda His ultimate desire, however, is to rule all of Hyrule with his madness.

Battle cry: “Eh. Eh. Eh.”

Special move: Creating spinning bats made of fire.

Chun-Li

Description: Chun-Li is a blazingly fast fighter who can jump wildly around her opponents, even using imaginary boundaries to bounce off of in efforts to destroy those who confront her. Please note the nipple erection Chun-Li sports in the adjacent image.

Battle cry: “Yatta!”

Special move: Lightning Kick.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Description: Picard is a pivotal figure in the United Federation of Planets, which encompasses over 150 member planets, spread over 8000 light years, and values the noble pursuits of self improvement and exploration above all else. From this great civilization, only one man could be chosen to captain the Federation flagship, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before! That man is Jean-Luc Picard.

Famous lines: “This is Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise.” “THERE. ARE FOUR. LIGHTS.” “Engage.” “Tea, earl gray. Hot.” “Make it so.”

Battle cry: “I will not sacrifice the Enterprise. We’ve made too many compromises already, too many retreats. They invade our space, and we fall back. They assimilate entire worlds, and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, and no further! And I will make them pay for what they have done!”

Special move: Two handed punch.

Stewie Griffin

Description: Stewie is the talking, scheming, mad scientist son of Peter and Lois Griffin. His inventions include a wide variety of weaponry, though his greatest scientific moment is likely the invention of a time machine.

Famous lines: “Victory is mine!”

Battle cry: “Now is the winter of your discontent!”

Special move: Shooting you with whatever projectile he can invent and build.

Steven “Seagull” Seagal

Description: Seagal is an action “star” known for his “brilliant performance” in the “film” Under Siege.

Special move: Probably something to do with martial arts, who the hell cares.

Infested Kerrigan

Description: Infested Kerrigan is the reincarnation of Kerrigan, a Terran ghost who once fought for humanity, now she rules over the Zerg collective. In my servitude to Kerrigan, I have defeated many Protoss and Terrans, and have assisted greatly the rise of Kerrigan in the name of the horde.

Famous lines: “You begin to annoy me, Cerebrate.”

What others are saying: “I’d hit it.” – Newbs

Special move: Overwhelming Ultralisk horde.

The “Burger King” King

Description: Burger King’s King has been terrorizing television for some time now. Not a mere mascot, but an actually force in modern horror, The King is a one man wrecking crew.

Battle cry: “Wake up with the The King.”

What others are saying: “Where is your god now?” – ytmnd.com

Special move: Showing his horrible face.

David Xanatos

Description: David Xanatos is the nefarious mastermind that brought The Gargoyles back to life after being frozen in stone for a thousand years. His accomplishments also include building the world’s tallest building, with an authentic Scottish castle on top of it, and building an army of robotic Gargoyles.

Famous lines: “Pay a man enough, and he’ll walk barefoot into hell.”

Special move: Pony-tail whip.

Cloud Strife

Description: I know fuck all when it comes to Cloud. He has a big sword, which he uses to compensate for lack of cock, and even bigger hair, which he uses to compensate for lack of testicles.

Special move: Swinging that big damn sword.

Alec “006″ Trevelyan

Description: James Bond’s traitorous former cohort. It is said that he is a “Lienz Cossack,” whatever that means.

Famous lines: “For England James?”

What others are saying: “No, for me.” – James Bond

Special move: Circle-strafing with pistols in Bunker.

Mario

Descriptin: Mario is a noble and honour bound hero, he has rescued his girlfriend, Princess Toadstool, dozens of times from the clutches of pure evil. His girlfriend, I might add, is pretty fucking hot, and royalty is always down with kinky shit. Mario has jumped, karted, power-leveled, fought, tennissed, baseballed, soccerred, partied, and danced his way to being the most successful video game character of all time.

Battle cry: “It’s-a me, Mario!”

What others are saying: “Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!” – Toad

Special moves: Jumping, fire-ball throwing.

Tooth Fairy

Description: The Tooth Fairy sneaks into children’s rooms at night undetected and steals teeth from beneath their very pillows. Her amazing stealth abilities imply a massive figurative cock.

Special move: Throwing fistfuls of pointy teeth at her enemies.

Chuck Norris Chuck Norris

Description: Chuck Norris is the face of one of the most idiotic internet fads to come along in a long time. He has starred in the brilliant film “The Delta Force,” and the classic television show “Walker: Texas Ranger.”

What others are saying: “I refuse to be a part of this idiotic internet fad. You will not see any fake Chuck Norris quotes here.” – Newbs

Zangief

Description: Zangief is a patriotic wrestler from the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. According to Wikipedia, his interests include chugging vodka, and that he dislikes “beautiful young women.”

Famous lines: “Stop blocking my fists with your face.”

Special move: Spinning pile driver.

Ron Weasley

Description: Ron Weasley is student at Hogwart’s School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Though not an excellent student or Quiditch player, he excels at Wizard chess, and is considered a loyal friend to Harry Potter. Many anticipate Ron to finally nail Hermione in Harry Potter 7.

Battle cry: “Bloody hell!”

What others are saying: “Next time there’s a ball, pluck up the courage and ask me before somebody else does, and not as a last resort!” – Hermione Granger

Special move: Casting spells on himself.

Zoidberg

Description: Zoidberg is the brilliant medical doctor of Planet Express. He has managed seemingly impossible surgeries such as attaching Fry’s head onto Amy’s body, and rearranging Fry’s limbs. Zoidberg is a man of simple pleasures, and is not ashamed to live in crushing abject poverty.

Famous lines: “The sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor!”

Battle cry: “Now Fry, it’s been a few years since medical school so remind me; disemboweling in your species—fatal or non-fatal?”

Tingle

Description: Tingle is a brutally annoying middle-aged man who makes a living ripping Link off at every given opportunity, often through the selling or deciphering of maps.

Battle cry: “Kooloo-Limpah!”

Special move: Floating around attached to a balloon.

Arcturus Mengsk

Description: Mengsk is a brilliant leader who unites the Terrans against their common Zerg enemy.

Famous lines: “Fellow Terrans, I come to you in the wake of recent events, to issue a call to reason…”

Special move: SCV rushing.

Mr. “Commander/Captain/Ambassador” Spock

Description: Mr. Spock is a half human, half Vulcan who has had a remarkable and distinguished career over his roughly two hundred year life. He served as first officer on the U.S.S. Enterprise under the command of Captain James T. Kirk during its historic five year mission. He would return to serve under Kirk several more times, including during a trip through time to the 1980′s which resulted in saving the United Federation of Planets from certain doom. Just previous to this, Spock actually died and was resurrected, much like a religious prophet, which I believe him to be. Spock would go on to become an ambassador to Romulus, and worked with the likes of Captain Jean-Luc Picard. At one point, Spock even met with the historic Vulcan T’Pau, rounding out his meeting with virtually every important figure in Federation history (aside from Jonathan Archer and Zefram Cochrane, I suppose).

Famous lines: “After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.”

“Don’t grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh [the needs of the few], or the one… I have been, and always shall be, your friend. (Holds up his hand in the Vulcan salute) Live long and prosper.”

Special moves: Vulcan nerve pinch, two-handed punch.

Bill Gates

Description: Bill Gates is the owner of Microsoft corporation, and the richest working person in the world. He is the nefarious backer of the X-Box.

Famous lines: “Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There’s a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning.”

Special move: Buying your company.

Wolverine

Description: Wolverine is a member of the X-Men, a group of mutant’s led by the brilliant Professor X. His skeleton is lined with indestructible adamantium metal alloy, and his body heals almost immediately. He has three retractable claws on each hand also made of adamantium.

What others are saying: “His name is Logan, and he is sexy.” – Jill

Special move: Fucking people up with those adamantium claws.

Ash (Evil Dead)

Description: Ash is the reluctant hero reborn as the arrogant super hero. His swagger, way with women, and undead slaying skills are only outclassed by his chin.

Famous lines: “Give me some sugar, baby.”

Battle cry: “Yo! She-bitch! Let’s go.”

Special move: Chain-saw/shotgun dual wielding brutality.

How does it work?
I post a poll on the front page, you vote for who you think is the most awesome, the winner moves on to the next round. Polls will run for 48 hours. The first poll will open on a Monday and they’ll go up each Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, hopefully at around the same time each day. Sunday will be the day of rest for Cock Wars.

Why bother doing it again?
Cock Wars 2006 is going to be the first of the new generation of Cock Wars, it, like all future Cock Wars, will be awesome.

So this is going to happen how often?
I plan on running it annually from now on.

Who is eligible for Cock Wars 2006?
Basically any real person or fictional character ever is a viable contestant. Historical figures, real or fake company mascots, movie characters, comic book characters, book characters, tv characters (cartoon or live action), video game characters, religious figures and deities, computer programmers, webmasters, etc. Anybody you can think of! Repeats from original Cock Wars are allowed, however there will be no repeats year-to-year of the new generation Cock Wars contests.

The full bracket can be viewed here.

How many contestants will there be?
64, that’s twice as many as last time. This will probably take way less time though, since the polls are open for a set amount of time and new ones will be posted so regularly.

How long will it last?
However long it takes to run the 23 polls.

Can I spam the poll like last time?
Unfortunately, it looks like the poll software won’t allow such rape. Guess your favourite will just have to win the old fashioned way.

When does it start?
The contest begins on Monday, March 13, 2006.

Will I hate you, this website, and humanity when this is all over?
Most likely, yes, you will.

Anything else?
I will post a new thread in the Cock Wars 2006 forum when each new contest is opened. Get ready to defend your favourites not just in poll-voting form, but in post-spamming anger as well.

Essentially, every week I’m going to put up a poll asking a question along the lines of “who has the biggest cock?” everybody spams the poll until I close it and the winner moves onto the next round. Myself and the 3 members of my “staff” will decide who goes in the polls but chances are if you bitch enough about how somebody should be in the poll, we’ll put them in. I’ll be putting up a new poll every Saturday night, which means the second one will be put up Sometime on September 21, 2002, probably really late.

You can see the current bracket thing, whatever it’s called, right here. Chances are you’ll have to scroll around on it, since I have a nice big fat monitor and a big fat resolution and it barely fits for me, but bitching is for those who aren’t voting enough. As you can see, most of the contestants haven’t even been picked yet so WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN HO HO HO. I’ll be putting in pictures of the contestants and descriptions when I get around to it (probably Saturday as well).

CLICK, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!

Who do you hate?
no one – 5
humans – 21
yourself – 2
me – 11

Is the ICQ whore:
a true whore – 32
a 40 year old man – 11
just playing with my mind – 8
an SA goon – 2

Am I strange?
no! – 4
never! – 2
inconceivable! – 20
possibly… – 48