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Cock Wars 2010: The Dong Strikes Back began humbly, with an extended period of nominating which ultimately led to 64 noble contestants. From there, battlers entered in groups of four, and were eliminated three at a time. Noble warriors like Worf, Miyamoto, and Osaka were knocked out in the first round.

→ Continue reading Cock Wars 2010 Summation

The Quadrant Championships have been completed, and Cock Wars 2010: The Dong Strikes Back now “heads” into its final round. From 64 initial contestants, down to 16 in the Quadrant Championships, we now have our four dong-awesome finalists. Who will win, you decide.

The polls for this mighty competition of poll are now open, and your input can be input right here. For more on this important piece of pop culture cluster-fuckery, see the FAQ, and check out the battle bracket.

With the preliminary round of voting now complete, Cock Wars 2010: The Dong Strikes Back heads into the Quadrant Championships round. Of the 64 original contestants, 16 heroes of dong remain. Who will move on? Who will survive to defend the value of his pipe laying? Only you.

The polls for this mighty competition of poll are now open, and your input can be input right here. For more on this important piece of pop culture cluster-fuckery, see the FAQ, and check out the battle bracket.

→ Continue reading Cock Wars 2010: Quadrant Championships

Welcome to the Cock Wars 2010 Delta Quadrant contestant descriptions. The polls for this mighty competition of poll are now open, and your input can be input right here. For more on this important piece of pop culture cluster-fuckery, see the FAQ, and check out the battle bracket.

Jason Bourne – description by Weskimo

Super soldier, super spy, and government-owned and operated assassin, Jason Bourne is one of the world’s most dangerous men. With aliases around the world, he can move and blend anywhere, anytime. He is highly trained in combat, be it hand-to-hand, firearms, or even explosives. After shaking off his government assassin conditioning, he was hunted savagely by the organization he used to work for unquestioningly. But despite all of their resources and several more “assets” like Bourne, they couldn’t take him out, he left them all in the dust, bashing their heads against the wall in frustration. Through masterful evasion, surveillance, combat, and a few intense car chases, Bourne defeated entire government agencies, and still had time to stop and pick up the girl on the way.

Special moves: Handing out beatdowns with choppy camera angles.

Welcome to the Cock Wars 2010 Gamma Quadrant contestant descriptions. The polls for this mighty competition of poll are now open, and your input can be input right here. For more on this important piece of pop culture cluster-fuckery, see the FAQ, and check out the battle bracket.

Captain Hikaru Sulu

Hikaru Sulu served aboard the USS Enterprise as Helmsman with the rank of Lieutenant under James Tiberius Kirk during the ship’s historic five year mission. It was during this time that Sulu once, under the influence of an inhibition-stripping contagion, chased crew members around with a foil, shirtless.

Sulu was eventually promoted and went on to captain the USS Excelsior. His bold command of the ship during the time of the Khitomer Conference prevented the assassination of the President of the United Federation of Planets by rogue Klingons, averting potential war.

Sulu is known for having a unique, slightly musical, voice.

Famous line: “Oh my.”

Battle Cry: “Fly her apart then!” – in response to being told his ship is traveling so fast it will fly apart.

Special moves: Fencing, two-handed punch.

Welcome to the Cock Wars 2010 Beta Quadrant contestant descriptions. The polls for this mighty competition of poll are now open, and your input can be input right here. For more on this important piece of pop culture cluster-fuckery, see the FAQ, and check out the battle bracket.

Admiral William Adama

Admiral Adama was a veteran of the First Cylon war, where he fought as a a Raptor and Viper pilot. At the dawn of the Second Cylon War, Adama found himself commander of the Battlestar Galactica, and the highest ranking military officer still alive.

During their pursuit of the few remaining survivors of the initial Cylon attack at the opening of the Second Cylon War, the Cylons found Adama to be an elusive and, indeed, unbeatable opponent.

Adama would ultimately fend off Cylons, terrorists, politicians, and mutineers, and lead humanity to Second Earth. There, he built a cabin and live out his life in solitude, having saved his species from destruction.

Battle cry: “Frak.”