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Cock Wars 2009 was begun with 64 aspiring Cock Master Generals, and was concluded with the crowning of one supreme being of legendary status. Lord of the Rings, Alien, Chrono Trigger, Batman, and Spiderman characters warred against the wealthiest of men, the harsh Russian winter, and video game consoles. A Tetris piece did slay a rock star. Napoleon’s tactical ability was no match for the Alien Queen. Iron Man outmaneuvered Dr. Octopus. Bill Nye the Science Guy outsmarted the Mongol cavalry.

→ Continue reading Cock Wars 2009 Summation

Frog – Description by Weskimo

Frog, otherwise known as Glenn, is a knight in the service of the kingdom of Guardia, and joins Crono and Lucca in a rescue attempt for Queen Leene in 600AD. Once an all-around sissy boy, after watching his best friend being murdered by a dark wizard and being turned into a walking, talking frog all in one day, he realizes that nice guys really do finish last, and its enough to turn the marshmallow into a valiant, monster-slaying, pint-sized badass. Though tormented by his failure to help his best friend, he vows to protect the kingdom and slay Magus. Armed with the mythical broadsword Masamune, watery magical abilities, and one hell of a tongue, this frog is out for blood.

Famous lines: “Lower thine guard and thou’rt allowing the enemy in.”

What others are saying: “You’re a marshmallow, Glenn” –Cyrus, “A…a FROG!? Crono, it’s a talking FROG! I hate frogs!” -Lucca, “Riiiibbit!!!!” -Slippy Toad

Special Move: Frog tongue

The Alien Queen – Description by Psycho Limey

It is a well known fact that the maternal instinct can turn anything female, from docile, into a destructive force like no other. The movie Aliens has a lot to do with those maternal instincts, and what they can bring out in us. Spill a man’s drink or insult him and a fight is likely, but give a mother cause for violence and you can forget all hope of leaving uninjured. The alien queen, standing at 15′ tall, will make you wish you had one last bullet.

The Alien Queen is smarter than the average human. Her capacity for learning means no matter how smart you think you are, she will find a way to get you and considering she usually has an army of the deadliest creatures going on her side. You are pretty much hooped.

She can shrug off almost all injuries, that’s if you’re even capable of damaging her. She can reproduce an army in days, and even if you do somehow manage to escape or kill her, her entire genetic memory is passed on. Leave even a single egg alive and that one facehugger will find something to hatch an alien from, that one alien will find the nutrients to molt into a queen, and that queen will remember you, and will never stop trying for vengeance.

John Michael “Ozzy” “Prince of Darkness” Osbourne

Ozzy is the lead singer of Black Sabbath and commands a successful solo career. He is the father of seven children, two of whom have become famous in their own right. His daughter Kelly is chubby and kind of attractive. Ozzy has over 15 tattoos, including “O-Z-Z-Y” spelled across the knuckles of his left hand, which he got as a teenager, and were done by sewing needle and pencil lead. Ozzy has bitten off the heads of a live dove and a dead bat, and can out-drug-take all comers.

The Punisher – Description by Psycho Limey

They say the Punisher doesn’t have recurring villains. There is one however, the entire reason his character exists isn’t crime, it isn’t the mafia that gunned down his family. It’s not Satan or some faceless evil entity. It’s the legal system. The entire rotten to the core system that allows evil to occur every day and for evil people to get away with their actions in the name of keeping the system fair. After the system let him down, he stepped up and started dishing out punishment in a far more efficient manner. Criminals are simply put down. He unflinchingly kills people. Anyone who deserves to die as he sees it, dies. He wipes out the organized crime in his city and takes on all comers.

Frank Castle, the Punisher is the catharsis that every victim wants. He treats the worst kind of people like they deserve, making sure that every punishment he hands out sends a clear message to the rest of the world’s evil, never afraid to use all kinds of violence to drive the point home.

The Punisher is always careful to avoid collateral damage and he despises amateur vigilantes who usually have some personal agenda or racist motives. However, everything he does, has made little difference. His real enemy, society and the system it supports is still there. We still create our own monsters and allow injustices. We’ll complain for a day, or even for a few months if it’s a real atrocity but we don’t stop it, we barely even try.

So maybe you don’t like the fact the Punisher kills people, I’m sure there’s a well constructed argument for how his actions will never solve anything. Except you don’t need to tell him that. He already knows, but until he’s dead, he is never going to stop making sure that everyone he can find gets their just reward, and that he saves every person he can from finding out how it feels to be the Punisher.

Battle Cry: The solid click of a loaded magazine sliding home into his .45

Special Move: You might throw up if I described what he’s done to some people, but would you throw up if I described what they did to earn the Punishers wrath?

Goliath

Goliath is one nearly naked, powerfully strong Gargoyle. He is the leader of the Manhattan clan of Gargoyles and is named aptly after the Biblical giant Goliath. His feats include mating with Demona and then being betrayed by her, and resurrection after being frozen in stone for a thousand years. Goliath likes to fight my good buddy Xanatos, who is one cool cat with one cool pony-tail.

Chronos

Chronos is, in Greek mythology, the personification of time. An incorporeal god, serpentine in form, with three heads, Chronos was betrayed by the Greco-Romans when they portrayed him as a man turning the Zodiac Wheel. These words, because I don’t know fuck about Chronos, brought to you by friend of the site Wikipedia.org.

Sir Michael Philip “Mick” Jagger

Mick Jagger has been the lead singer for The Rolling Stones since their formation 1962, heading what is arguably the biggest rock band in history. Mick’s concert touring has allowed him to bone many a woman, marry some, and impregnate a few others, he also may have nailed David Bowie. What he has not done, as Snopes.com has informed me, is eat a Mars bar out of anyone’s vagina.

Famous lines: “I can’t get no satisfaction/I can’t get no girl reaction”

What others are saying: “‘I can’t get no girl reaction’? That’s what he’s saying? I should have looked this up years ago.” – Newbs

Lucca

Lucca is Crono’s brilliant and very sexy inventor friend. She is responsible for the birth of the Chrono Trigger quest, in that she built the transporter which opened the time portal that begins the saga. She is also to blame for the crippling of her poor mother. Lucca’s greatest achievement is the invention of the battle training robot Gato, who I can unsurprisingly one-shot in New Game+.

Famous lines: “Machines aren’t capable of evil. Humans make them that way.”

Battle cry: “Nothing can beat science!”

Special move: Reading the enemy’s HP.

What is Cock Wars?
Cock Wars is the ultimate battle for supremacy in the universe. Competitors use their strength of dong to claim superiority over others.

How does it work?
I will post the polls in the Cock Wars 2009 forum, you vote for who you think is the most awesome in each, the winner moves on to the next round. Polls will run for a full week, and, until the final, four will be posted at a time.

→ Continue reading Cock Wars 2009: A New Penis FAQ

As with all things in life, so too must the third year of Cock Wars come to an end. Unbelievable though it may be, victor of Cock Wars 2008: Revenge of the Wang is Korben Dallas, cab driver.

This year began far later than was planned, as I initially felt pretty uninspired about doing it. I was eventually harassed into starting things up though, and I’m glad I was, as this year turned out to be pretty fun. Plenty of people voted, and there was no cheating. If only Yoda could have won.

In something less than a year Cock Wars 2009: A New Penis will begin!

Yoshi	Dr. Phlox
Albert Wesker	Ultros

→ Continue reading Cock Wars 2008 Contestants – Delta Quadrant

Legolas	Ivan Drago
Jabba the Hutt	Karl Marx

→ Continue reading Cock Wars 2008 Contestants – Gamma Quadrant