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The Insane Emails I Send: Cineplex-Odeon

September 7, 2009 Newbs No Comments

On March 8, 2009, I was the victim of a terrifying and rather absurd event at the local movie theatre. This is the crazily over-written, but entirely accurate, email I sent to the company’s customer service site. Cineplex-Odeon was pretty good about it, they apologized and I got some free movie passes out of it!

Following my viewing of Watchmen this evening, I made my traditional post-movie visit to the men’s washroom. I noticed that the floor was quite wet, and although curious, I was not overly concerned. As I was exiting my stall I heard the toilet completing my flush, and was then blasted with a torrent of ejaculating toilet water. I flung the door open and leaped from the stall like an action movie star. My friend who was washing his hands at the time witnessed the event, and described the water reaching 7-feet high.

My initial awe at the event caused me to leave the premises as soon as I had informed a staff-member of the danger lurking in the men’s room. It did not occur to me at the time to confront a manager and discuss the horror which surely warranted a recompense of some kind. I come to you now to ask sincerely for some payback for the terror which I endured on your premises.

Summer ‘09 To-Do List: Week 16

September 2, 2009 Newbs 1 Comment

This will be the sixteenth and final update of my Summer ’09 To-Do List. For next week, I will have a summary of the experiment.

Goals Completed this week:
1. write every day

Most days, I at least updated this site, and the days that I didn’t, I was working on other writing projects.

10. fuck

It was awhile ago, I didn’t say anything to be respectful of the lady.

12. get off from a blowjob

If I were to quote this as “get… a blowjob,” it would be quite true. I’m checking this one off.

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The Insane Emails I Send: Regarding Pokémon Gold

August 31, 2009 Newbs No Comments

I’d like to use this weekly blog post to occasionally show off the bizarre emails that I’ve been known to send, usually complaining, to various companies and individuals. This is the email I recently sent to Nintendo, complaining about the death of my copy of Pokémon Gold.

Note: later research led me to discover that it wasn’t so much different battery-save technology, but rather simply, the inclusion of an internal clock that causes the game to die. Overall, the argument still stands, as the inclusion of such a feature did cause the game to have a limited life expectancy, and one shorter than normal cartridge games.

I purchased Pokémon Gold, new, when the game was first released. Recently, I went to play the game again and found that it no longer functioned properly. My save data had disappeared, and when I attempted to start over, found that the game is no longer capable of holding save data.

Researching this issue led me to discover that the Pokémon Gold and Silver games were made using different battery-save technology than your other cartridge-based games. This was an intentional design of the Pokémon Gold and Silver games, and the loss of functionality of these games must have been anticipated. I am absolutely dismayed to find that I was misled into purchasing a product with a built-in life expectancy. I have a long history of purchasing Nintendo products, and have come to trust in the quality of those products. In this instance, I have found my trust in your company to have been betrayed.

Your form asks that I let you know how you may help. I would like to be sent a copy of the game’s remake, Pokémon HeartGold, upon its North American release. I would accept this gesture as an apology for your grievous mistake, and an adequate recompense for the disappointment I have suffered at the hands of your product.

Summer ‘09 To-Do List: Week 15

August 26, 2009 Newbs No Comments

I’m now on week fifteen of my Summer ’09 To-Do List. Here’s the weekly update.

Currently Pursuing:
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
37. don’t be lazy
40. watch 2001: A Space Odyssey
48. sing Kelly Clarkson at karaoke
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire
68. clean out university email account
71. buy [person] a SomethingAwful forums account
73. upload old, embarrassing pictures of my friends to Facebook
75. learn how to ride a bike
79. draw Amy Lee
89. own Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

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Planning Stages

August 24, 2009 Newbs No Comments

Over the next few weeks, what has become a slightly monotonous updating schedule for the site will change slightly. I plan to do only two more Summer 2009 To-Do List updates, and only one more Screwy comic (for now anyway, I may do more Screwy chapters, and I will definitely do a Summer 2010 list).

Nothing will replace Screwy in the Friday slot, as I’d like to have a proper two days off from the site every week. I don’t quite know what will replace the slot opening up on Wednesday. My hope is that one of the many people claiming to be working on stuff for me will step forward and give me some content.

My eventual goal is to run, each week, two comics (one by me, one by someone else), two videos (one The Dungeon, one SDGR), two articles (one by me, one by someone else), and 4 Things of the Week (at least one by someone who isn’t me).

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