Our old pals (read:me) at Splodinator.com are running an exciting contest for 2000 Nintendo Points. See video above for all the details.

Ka-pow!

With the E3 rush over with, I’m free to hop back aboard the ShufflingDead pain train for the occasional update. To begin with, I wanted to catch up our wandering readers over here with the latest from Splodinator, the glorious gaming site I’ve been pounding away on for the last three months.

You might be interested in my comprehensive report of Nintendo’s upcoming system, the Wii U. If that tickles your raging fancy, then maybe all of our other E3 coverage will too.

Also worthy of your eyes: the ten most memorable moments of E3s past.

Over at Splodinator I’ve reviewed Donkey Kong Country Returns and GoldenEye 007 for Wii, as well as the movies Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within and The Wizard.

Perhaps most excitingly, the Definitive 50 SNES games video series barrels onward. Find out what took 10th place right here.

If you miss ShufflingDeadCast, the ShufflingDead.com podcast, then you’ll be happy to know we’ve rebooted the show as Radio Splode. Listen to it with your ears today!

Ka-pow!

Some of you more loyal readers may be wondering “what the hell is going on with ShufflingDead? Why is the site updated 5 times a week instead of 20? Where is the Definitive 50???”

The answers to all those questions lay here, at Splodinator.com. That’s the name of the new site we’ve been developing over the past several weeks.

Put simply, Splodinator is a video game news and opinion website. It’s fun, chill, and non-crazy. We’re rebuilding the Definitive 50 there, and bringing over a few of the suitable articles from ShufflingDead history that fit the theme.

That’s not to say there isn’t new, highly awesome content at Splodinator already, either! Check out my reviews of Donkey Kong Country Returns and Yoshi’s Island DS. Early news stories include: Executive smackdown: Peter Vesterbacka vs. Satoru Iwata and Rumour: Ace Attorney Investigations 2 not getting western release.

Come on, subscribe to the RSS feed, fan the Facebook page! Join the Splodinator revolution!

So what brought this about? ShufflingDead is nearing its 10 year anniversary. That’s something I’m truly proud to say, as 10 years is a long time indeed for a website to survive. 10 years is also a long time to work on the same site, especially one so unfocused, and one you developed as a teenager. Frankly, I feel it’s time to (mostly) move on from this site. ShufflingDead will still shuffle a little, with certain features continuing, it’s just moving into semi-retirement.

ShufflingDead is growing every day. We’re always piling on more content and more features, and our layout is superb. I’m extremely proud of what we’ve accomplished here, and I must say it would not have been possible without the support of our fans and contributors.

Having said that, I’d like to ask for a little more. No, I’m not hustling for more writers, I’ve done that plenty of times in the past, and these are much easier. The following five things can be done by every one of our fans, and doing each ensures the continued success of ShufflingDead. With your support, I believe ShufflingDead can grow in quality and popularity to the point that it one day supports itself (and its writers!).

1. Pass us around on link sharing sites – This may be surprising, but ShufflingDead’s main source of traffic isn’t links from other content sites, or even from Google, it’s from link sharing sites like Digg, Reddit, and Stumbleupon. We’ve got buttons below every post for those sites, as well as a few others, to make submitting your favourite ShufflingDead stories as easy as possible. If you’ve got your own favourite link sharing site (Fark, Slashdot, whatever) please use those. Above all the other items on this list, I’d like to sincerely urge our readers to share our content on sites like these. If you don’t have an account on any of those sites, sign up, it’s easy! We’ve had particular success with Stumbleupon, check them out.

2. Promote and follow us via social networking – This one is huge. You see those little Facebook and Twitter links under every post? They’re a great tool that lets you easily share your favourite ShufflingDead content with your friends and followers. Let them in on the enduring splendor of ShufflingDead. Oh yeah, and joining our Facebook fan page or following our Twitter account keeps you in on the ShufflingDead (uhh…) shuffle and makes sharing our stuff even easier.

3. Send us news tips – One of the toughest parts of running this site is finding a consistent stream of wacky stories to make fun of. Not only would more news tips be a great help to myself and the other writers here at ShufflingDead, but it would also benefit you, the readers, by ensuring we are covering exactly the stories you want to hear about. We’ve got a contact page to help you out with this. The link sits right along the top navigation bar of the site.

4. Don’t ad block us – The cold reality of the internet is that it’s tough to make money out here, especially doing anything legitimate. We try to run relevant, non-hideous ads here at ShufflingDead, and I’d like to ask that our readers not block those ads. Even if you would never click one of them, viewing our ads still makes us a little money! That’s cash that goes towards improving the site.

5. Comment! – The liveliest websites are also the most fun. Don’t be afraid to make use of the comment section that sits under every page here at ShufflingDead. Getting engaged with our other commenters will make your experience more fun, and encourage yet more to join.

Shufflingdead continues to grow at an incredible pace. It was not long ago that we reached 100 fans on Facebook, and we have since accrued many more fans there. Not to be immodest, but Shufflingdead is taking off at an ever-accelerating pace, with our traffic growing at 1000% year over year.

I’d like to thank all of our fans, as well as the people who help out on the site. In particular, sulci, for editing our videos and handling the technical side of things, Weskimo, for his frequency, regularity, and quality of submissions, and apocalyptic_girl, for sitting next to me and being so damn funny in our videos. Of course, I would be remiss if I did not give a shout out to our less regular contributors, including aparticularperson, Jack, Katte, and Jolly Argonaut, who have all amazed me with their humour in recent months.

About seven months ago I announced phases 9 through 11 of “The New and Thrilling Shufflingdead.com”: #9 focus and explore Shufflingdead’s scope, #10 really promote site, and #11 bring on a stable of contributors. Although work on those tasks will never be done so long as Shufflingdead continues to operate, I feel that we have now accomplished what I set out to do with those goals.

Of those, we have been most successful with #9; we really have focused and explored Shufflingdead’s scope. The results of that effort have been nothing short of spectacular. We now sport a much clearer subject range at the site, which I would describe as geek culture. It’s ironically liberating, as I now feel free to write in depth about movies, games, and tech without having to worry that I’m ignoring everything else.

That is not to take anything away from our accomplishments regarding goals #10 and #11. Promotion has included cross-linking with several other sites, evidence of which you can see in the “Friends of Dead’ section to your right. We even did some content swapping with CineBombs.com, which was some of the most fun I’ve had with Shufflingdead. sulci and I have also worked hard at promoting the site on social media across the internet. The stable of contributors that we brought on is everyone I’ve listed and thanked above. Over the past seven months, those people have made dozens of posts here, and it’s been an incredible help.

It is now time to issue my next set of goals for Shufflingdead:

Phase 12: remove/re-do/re-upload all images. This task has already been underway for several weeks, and I’m hoping to finish it soon. Shufflingdead is starting over when it comes to image use. This is for all kinds of reasons, mostly technical, as we are able to do more with images uploaded through WordPress.

Phase 13: tweak and finesse ads. This may seem like an uninteresting goal, but improving Shufflingdead’s revenue is vital to the continued growth of this site. That money funds things like improved video equipment, hosting, and other material needed to run the site. We’ve done alright with the way we’ve got ads now, but I know we can do better. Expect some layout tweaks and behind the scenes changes with ad companies in the days ahead.

Phase 14: encourage greater community support. No, I’m not talking about bugging you guys to write for us (that was goal #11). I’m thinking of small things, like getting people to send in news tips, and promoting us on link sharing sites. The first step in pursuing this goal will be a blog post in the days to come detailing what you folks can do for us. I don’t want this to come off as unappreciative. I just feel that the best way to provide what you’re looking for is to get you working with us to give it to you.

Phase 15: evaluate everything we do at the site, adjust accordingly. I’m talking about a top-to-bottom audit of all the components that make up Shufflingdead, evaluating the amount of time and effort required to do each of those things, and the level of enjoyment and popularity which result, cutting or changing what doesn’t work, and increasing whatever does. Work on this task has already begun, with things like the automation of our Twitter feed, the altered format of our podcast, and the decision to close our forums at the end of the year. And there will be more to come I’m sure. The goal here is efficiency. I want the time put into Shufflingdead to have the most impact possible.

For reference, here are all of the phases up to this point:

Phase 1: Finish porting site over to WordPress
Phase 2: Update at least minimally
Phase 3: Promote site
Phase 4: Expand the Shufflingdead empire
Phase 5: Increase quality
Phase 6: Rejuvenate Shufflingdead’s layout and organization
Phase 7: Increase user interactivity
Phase 8: Update EVEN MORE
Phase 9: Focus and explore Shufflingdead’s scope
Phase 10: Really promote site
Phase 11: Bring on a stable of contributors
Phase 12: remove/re-do/re-upload all images
Phase 13: tweak and finesse ads
Phase 14: encourage greater community support
Phase 15: evaluate everything we do at the site, adjust accordingly

Let’s roll.

Logic and reason were never a very important part of Paul W. S. Anderson’s Resident Evil films. Afterlife, the latest entry in his sci-fi/zombie series loosely adapted from the popular survival-horror Resident Evil video games is as gleefully dismissive of those traits as ever. The movie consists of Milla Jovovich, as lead character Alice, dance-fighting her way through hordes of zombies, endless lines of well equipped henchmen, and gaping plot holes.

Whoah! Read the full review by clicking right here! Seriously, do it! CineBombs is a great site run by a couple of pretty chill dudes I’ve been conversing with on the internet lately, and I highly encourage you check out the rest of their site as well.

1. write a monthly update for this list
Handled.

2. write monthly “The Dungeon’s Boss” updates
I completed August’s entry just an hour before the deadline!

6. do a Rock Band Stage Kit video review
Filmed and soon to be uploaded.

7. start a new video series for the site, and run one episode a week
I’ve enjoyed my work on The Definitive 50.

15. vigorously promote site
Running around to link sharing sites, hassling people to like us on Facebook, etc. It’s been a lot of work.

30. watch a TV series of my lady friend’s choosing
Densha Otoko is awesome.

40. build a “garbage” draft cube for MtG
I think I did this in July and forgot to cross it off before.

74. attempt yoga
I’ve discovered my posture is an atrocity.

78. take lady friend on mystical oddeseysyesy (sp?)
We went for a picnic!

79. learn how to spell “odyssey”
O.D.Y.S.S.E.Y.

81. attend Animethon
The… the furries were everywhere.

82. write every day
This site sure does get updated a lot.

94. keep nose hair trimmed
The buzzing sound the electric razor makes when it gets a hair is kind of scary.

98. get flowers for my lady friend, possibly in apology for the following two goals
It was just to be romantic, I got no where near Christina Hendricks.

So there you have it. With fourteen goals completed in August, my final total number of accomplished goals for Summer 2010 comes to 30/100. That is exactly the number I finished with last year.

Biggest Successes

I regard 2009′s to-do list as a monumental success. The demands I made on myself pushed me to crawl out of my basement, out of my lazy lifestyle, and actually do things. I worked out, I pushed myself on the site, I cleaned. In other words, I did things because of the list. This summer, my life simply did not warrant the kind of motivation the list provided previously, I already had the momentum from last year. I’m a busy guy now, I have a job, a girlfriend, and a demanding website.

Having said that, the list did serve to push me into doing some fun things, like replaying Donkey Kong Country 3, going for a picnic, and watching Densha Otoko.

Biggest Failures

I didn’t fail the list, I failed to make the list. Shufflingdead managed to reach 100 Facebook likers this summer, but I decided to shoot for 200 four months ago, because I am a crazy person. I listed piles of books to read, movies to see, and games to play that I simply would never have had time for with my life the way it is. If I’m going to try this again, I need to be significantly more reasonable. Taken individually, most things on the list would have been doable, but not all of them in four months.

Lessons for Next Year

I need to reassess what the to-do list is, and what makes it a summer event. Such lists would have made much more sense when I was a kid, and I had summers off to screw around and accomplish piles of pet projects. These days, the summer is no different from any other part of the year for me, except that I can actually go outside. As I see it, I have a couple choices. I can either focus on that summer component, and make the list more about that in years to come, or I can not do it annually, and only bring it back if I find my life slipping to a state of boring once more.

10. figure out lighting for our videos
Scattering shop lights around my basement is good enough!

11. buy a microphone for podcasting
Hell yes I did, and we sound much better for it.

27. see Twilight: Eclipse – know thy enemy!
I regret everything.

46. buy and beat Super Mario Galaxy 2
They blew my mind all over again.

48. replay Donkey Kong Country 3
Really not nearly as good as the first two.

62. demolish all comers in Shufflingdead basketball
I was named MVP one game, so I’m going to go ahead and give this one to myself.

Well there you have it, three-quarters of the summer has passed, and I’ve now completed 16/100 goals. That may not look too promising, but my rate of accomplishing goals has skyrocketed. In May, I accomplished five goals, and in June, I accomplished another five goals. In July, I managed six!

The image to the left recently popped up on Digg thanks to its shocking value as gawk material.

The picture is of a man named Will, who put the cabinet together at 13 in an effort to combine his loves of the NES and the arcade.

Will over there has gotten me inspired to post some of the other shocking Nintendo super-fan images that have circulated the internet over the years, and that I’ve managed to hang on to. If you got more, please add links to them in the comments section, or email them in.

Remember, don’t be too hard on these guys. You’ve probably got your own super-fan photos buried somewhere, the internet just hasn’t found them yet.

This final image doesn’t really count, since it’s obviously from a promo of some kind for Capcom, but it’s just too internet famous, and too amusing, not to post.

9. build or purchase some form of a backdrop for videos

Our new projector-screen-as-backdrop is awesome!

18. average 1154 daily hits in June

I have to bring this one up, even though I didn’t accomplish it, because I specifically failed to accomplish it. Unfortunately, we couldn’t quite get the site’s views that high last month. I will say this, however, we came close. Site traffic is up 1000% year-over-year.

39. make a huge Magic: the Gathering order

It’s in the mail and I’m very excited. Waiting, however, is torture.

42. buy MtG Deck Builder’s Toolkits with my lady friend

These were a great buy and we’ve enjoyed the stock cards we got out of them.

60. earn 600+ Club Nintendo points by June 30, and get something cool with them

By some miracle, I did, in fact, reach this goal. That Mario-and-friends statuette is mine!

97. replace the burned out light bulb behind me

Here’s a shocker: I actually managed to change that damn bulb. Hey, I wasn’t late! I had the whole summer to do it!

Well, another month has gone by, and another five summer goals have been accomplished. That means I’m up to 10 out of the 100 total. I have to once again remind myself and my believers that many of my goals are once-a-day, and/or multi-step, and I am on target to accomplish many more by the end of the summer.

Having said that, I’m beginning to think that I’ll need to set aside a bit of time each evening for myself in which I can game/read/watch, because progress on all of my media-consumption goals is lagging behind.

5. write more “Cosplay Idol” articles with sulci

We took care of this in late May to great success.

41. play in an MtG draft

Well, it wasn’t quite a draft, but rather a sealed event. I’m going to count it anyway. A great time was had by all, as far as I could tell, and I actually won the whole thing! I hadn’t even considered winning as an objective, that seemed too unlikely.

54. get an SNES Mouse

I picked up Mario Paint along with the corresponding SNES Mouse in the month of May. That game (read: console version of MS Paint) is a little dull for my taste, but the mouse is worth it for its compatibility with Sim ANT.

80. jerk off

Do I get multiple check marks for doing something multiple times? I guess not. Needless to say, I’ve “handled” this one.

88. get a frame for my picture with Leonard Nimoy

Believe it or not, and if you know me, you probably do believe it, I picked up a simple but classy black frame for my shot with Nimoy. It sits near my computer desk, reminding me of how old Spock is.

That’s it, five damn goals and a quarter of the summer has already gone by. As a minor excuse, I’m on my way to completing a number of other goals. I’ve bought and begun to play games I’m supposed to beat, I’ve pondered the mysteries of cooking, and I’ve even stared at the pile of books I’m supposed to read.

I suppose I’ll just have to get 45 done in June.

I concluded the summer of ’09 promising to annualize the list and bring it back for 2010. I’m a lot busier heading into the summer of 2010, largely thanks to last year’s work, and undertaking this endeavour will certainly be difficult, but that’s exactly the sort of exciting challenge that define these kinds of lists.

Please note: there are repeats from last year, some because I never got them done, others because I’m excited to try them again. Instead of the weekly updates I ran last year, I will only be posting monthly updates for 2010, one each in the early days of June, July, August, and September.

Site Goals:

1. write a monthly update for this list
2. write monthly “The Dungeon’s Boss” updates
3. write a “Video Game Character Analysis: Furry Abominations” article
4. write a “Nerd Hovel” article
   
5. write more “Cosplay Idol” articles with sulci

6. do a Rock Band Stage Kit video review
7. start a new video series for the site, and run one episode a week
8. clean out folders of story source links
   
9. build or purchase some form of a backdrop for videos
   
10. figure out lighting for our videos
    
11. buy a microphone for podcasting

12. 400 YouTube subscribers
13. 200 Facebook fans
14. 100 Twitter followers
15. vigorously promote site
16. increase podcast listenership to the point that we have regular feedback
17. run four updates a day, with only half of them being mine
18. average 1154 daily hits in June
19. do a content swap with at least one other website
20. make enough money from the site to “quit my day job”
21. do a shirtless photo-shoot with DMUSER, and hold a contest on the site to give away the results

    Movies, TV, and Books:

22. buy and watch the complete Daria TV series
23. see The Expendables
24. see Resident Evil: Afterlife
25. finish watching Cowboy Bebop
26. participate in an all-day Star Wars marathon
    
27. see Twilight: Eclipse – know thy enemy!

28. see Iron Man 2
29. watch all of Freaks and Geeks
30. watch a TV series of my lady friend’s choosing
31. read Mona Lisa Overdrive
32. read The Subtle Knife
33. read The Amber Spyglass
34. read Watchmen
35. read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
36. read Blade of the Immortal
37. read god is not Great
38. read Your Money or Your Life

    Traditional Games:

39. make a huge Magic: the Gathering order

40. build a “garbage” draft cube for MtG
    
41. play in an MtG draft
    
42. buy MtG Deck Builder’s Toolkits with my lady friend

43. decorate my MtG box
44. play D&D
45. create and run another D&D campaign

    Video Games:

46. buy and beat Super Mario Galaxy 2

47. buy and beat Sin and Punishment: Star Successor
    
48. replay Donkey Kong Country 3

49. buy and replay Resident Evil 4 for Wii
50. replay No More Heroes 2
51. own Final Fantasies I through VI, beating the ones I haven’t already
52. beat Final Fantasy VII
53. own all Ace Attorney games, beating the ones I haven’t already
    
54. get an SNES Mouse

55. attend a video games media event
56. meet game creator legend Shigeru Miyamoto
57. steal his powers
58. best Reggie in a one-on-one battle of masculinity
59. buy, play, and “beat” Personal Trainer Walking
    
60. earn 600+ Club Nintendo points by June 30, and get something cool with them

    Fitness and Self Improvement:

61. learn Japanese
    
62. demolish all comers in Shufflingdead basketball

63. finish learning how to ride a bike
64. finish learning how to drive/get license
65. play Jai Alai
66. participate in free running
67. try zorbing
68. get in good enough shape to do the above three goals with my lady friend
69. go for an actual early-morning jog like real runners do
70. learn how to do laundry
71. learn how to cook
72. go walking with Dubious
73. learn how to swim
74. attempt yoga

    Personal/Other:

75. move out
76. get a cell phone
77. create a cheap, easy, and healthy diet for independent living
78. take lady friend on mystical oddeseysyesy (sp?)
79. learn how to spell “odyssey”
    
80. jerk off

81. attend Animethon
82. write every day
83. find another reason to say “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe”
84. clean out university email account
85. perform stand-up comedy
86. visit Japan
87. sing “(What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding” in a Japanese karaoke box
    
88. get a frame for my picture with Leonard Nimoy

89. get frames for pictures of Miyamoto, Reggie, and Iwata – the ultimate ironic triptych
90. do at least one drawing
91. dance and drink and screw, quite possibly because there’s nothing else to do
92. get a dakimakura
93. hold a stupid fake wedding with a random nerdy physical object and get internet famous for it
94. keep nose hair trimmed
95. attend another Shakespeare play
96. start an internet holy war between Sonic and Dragon Ball fans
    
97. replace the burned out light bulb behind me

98. get flowers for my lady friend, possibly in apology for the following two goals
99. titty fuck Christina Hendricks
100. two chicks at the same time

16/100 goals accomplished.
Strikethrough indicates goals I have accomplished.

If you have a look at the Archives drop down to the right, you’ll see that updates in March and April of 2009 were pretty minimal; they began to increase in May and June before taking off in July. That output has yielded clear results; hits are up about 750% from a year ago.

Content volume can’t take all the credit, however, as sulci’s tireless work on the site’s layout has certainly helped. I’d roughly call Shufflingdead’s current form Version 13 (Version 12 being her initial redesign), and it’s about as professional, clean, and sleek as I can imagine it.

Now, to talk about the immediate future. You might have noticed Shufflingdead’s update schedule has been juggled around a little lately. Shameful Human of the Week is now Thursdays, Articles are Mondays, and from today forward, Neckbeard & Wolfshirt comics hit Sundays, with the podcast coming out on Tuesdays. My recent re-employment has meant that News updates have been a bit slower lately, and while I certainly feel doing one a day is mandatory, always hitting two a day isn’t. Doing fewer, larger updates is easier, more satisfying, and seems to net just as many, if not more, hits.

Since we’ll be done Cock Wars descriptions after tomorrow, next week’s Article will be my annual Summer To-Do List, which I’m very much looking forward to both writing and pursuing. I no longer have a drought of update ideas like I did last year, and so the list will be updated monthly, rather than weekly. In the next few weeks, I also plan to launch a third video series here on Shufflingdead, one which will hopefully take us up to two videos a week. More on that to come. I also want to get myself in the habit of writing more regular The Dungeon’s Boss updates.

“The New and Thrilling Shufflingdead.com” project, which roughly began with the implementation of WordPress, continues to chug along nicely. Here are the phases as they have been up to this point:

Phase 1: Finish porting site over to WordPress
Phase 2: Update at least minimally
Phase 3: Promote site
Phase 4: Expand the Shufflingdead empire
Phase 5: Increase quality
Phase 6: Rejuvenate Shufflingdead’s layout and organization
Phase 7: Increase user interactivity
Phase 8: Update EVEN MORE

Those have all been taken care of, and to great success. Now, to announce the next three phases of the plan:

Phase 9: Focus and explore Shufflingdead’s scope In the last few weeks, we’ve quietly slimmed down the site’s coverage to gaming, entertainment, and nerd culture. I’d like to explore the new possibilities created by no longer trying to cover everything in equal measure. The first step, I think, will be more specifically tagging old updates.

Phase 10: Really promote site We’ve gotten good at whoring Shufflingdead out on link sharing and social networking sites, but it’s time to really up the proverbial ante. I’m talking about serious community-building projects (not unlike our recent SDGR contest), small ad buys, content swaps, and whatever else it might take to keep the site’s readership growing.

Phase 11: Bring on a stable of contributors sulci’s kept busy video editing and handling the technical side of the site. She, and other Shufflingdead celebs, pop up in videos, or with the odd piece, but updating generally falls to me. It’s time to reach out to the Shufflingdead community, my social network, and even the internet more broadly, to bring on a more robust lineup of writers, comic artists, and anyone else I can find.

Let’s go.

]]> http://shufflingdead.com/blogs/newbs/exclusive-mock-up-of-nintendo-3ds.php/feed 1 http://shufflingdead.com/blogs/newbs/introducing-jiffy-the-intern.php http://shufflingdead.com/blogs/newbs/introducing-jiffy-the-intern.php#comments Thu, 14 Jan 2010 19:22:28 +0000 Newbs http://shufflingdead.com/?p=4107 Newbs here, I just wanted to let you, the readership, know that Shufflingdead is bringing on a new writer. He’s Jiffy the Intern, and he’s going to be helping me out with all the news stories I haven’t had time to post.

You’ll see news posts by Jiffy popping up regularly over the next few weeks. When he’s finished his job and I no longer have use for him, he’ll be summarily executed and then fired for being dead.

Jiffy’s a good kid, so don’t be too hard on him.

Look to the navigation bar at the far right of the site, and you will see a “Login” heading which provides you with everything you need to register and start posting here at Shufflingdead.com.

When viewing an update while logged in, you are now able to scroll to the bottom of that update and enter your comment. You’ll see a nice big box just ready for you to fill with your precious words. We at Shufflingdead are attention whores and we thrive on your participation. I thank everyone in advance for whatever they may have to say.

Why not start your commenting career by throwing something at this particular update?

Until now, only phases 1-5 of “The New and Thrilling Shufflingdead.com” project were known. They were:

Phase 1: Finish porting site over to WordPress
Phase 2: Update at least minimally
Phase 3: Promote site
Phase 4: Expand the Shufflingdead empire
Phase 5: Increase quality

Phase 5, I feel, has gone superbly. The “News” section of the site was introduced under this phase, and with it came an endless march of stories that I’ve had fun writing, and which I suspect have been fun for the Shufflingdead readership.

And now, it is my pleasure to introduce Phases 6 through 8 of the project:

Phase 6: Rejuvenate Shufflingdead’s layout and organization Phase 6 is an undertaking which ranks as one of the most exciting for me in the history of the site. sulci, who has already been kind enough to take over video editing for Shufflingdead, will also be working on the site’s layout, taking its quality to the highest realm. I will be helping out by making some of the older content’s URLs search engine friendly.

Phase 7: Increase user interactivity Shufflingdead has a great forum community, but I’d like to see our readers get more involved with the site, that’s why I will be opening up comments for all of Shufflingdead’s content. It would be possible, although unfeasibly frustrating and dangerous, to link the forums and front page, and so users will need to register separately for each service. Coming soon.

Phase 8: Update EVEN MORE Shufflingdead has a great number of theoretical volunteers, but few of them contribute with any regularity. Actually, few of them contribute at all. I will be leaning on my volunteers and on myself for higher output. Personally, I plan on clearing out a backlog of news stories I’ve been meaning to post, and then beginning a furious round of article writing.

Let’s begin the operation.

Welcome to Brannigan 2009, Brannigan 6. It’s now time for the annual speech

Good evening. In less than an hour young adults from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest celebration in the history of mankind.

Mankind… That… word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences any more. We will be united in our common interests.

Perhaps it’s fate that today is in the month of November, and you will once again be fighting for our birthdays. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from annihilation. We’re partying for our right to live. To exist.

And should we win the day, the month of November will no longer be known as Wes and Newbs’ birthday, but as the month when the world declared in one voice, “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!” We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!

Today we celebrate our Birthday.

Three open letters:
Jewel
Amy Lee
William Shatner

Two blog posts:
On Blogging and Minish Cap
Minish Cap: Complete

And one Word of the Week:
Intense

These old updates eventually spawned the Blogs and Things of the Week sections, which have both become integral parts of Shufflingdead.com. In looking over these early attempts at creating small, less structured updates to the site, I became inspired. I’ve decided to start a new blog here at Shufflingdead, called The Dungeon’s Boss, the first update of which will be viewable later today.

If you have any thoughts regarding the news section, tags, or anything else on the site, you can let me know about them by using the all new contact page. Oooh. I’d be especially interested to hear opinions on Shufflingdead’s layout, since I’m playing with that right now.

I haven’t stopped thinking about the development of Shufflingdead, and am dedicated to keeping the site interesting to both our readers and to myself. Over the next couple of weeks, I plan on first shifting to a two-column layout rather than the current three, then adding tags to the content on the site, and finally launching a “news” section.

You might have seen some strange things going on with the front page this past weekend, and that was from me doing some early tests on these changes.

My plan is that I will have a daily news item appearing on the site, complete with sarcastic commentary from its poster. I’ll then shift to only having a couple TotWs running at a time, but continue the same number of total updates.

As I like to say, let’s begin.

That’s the only video they have on YouTube, but Ménage à Twang has plenty more songs on their MySpace.

As development of what I’ve been calling “The New and Thrilling Shufflingdead.com” continues, I’ve reached the point that I must now consider Phase 5 and beyond. Let’s look at the phases thus far:

Phase 1: Finish porting site over to WordPress
Phase 2: Update at least minimally
Phase 3: Promote site
Phase 4: Expand the Shufflingdead empire

All of those have now been accomplished, and for those that require an ongoing effort, those efforts continue. Now, what is Phase 5? Phase 5 is Increase quality. I’ve already laid out much of what I want to see happen with regard to content on the site: more articles, more videos, more comics, and more TotWs, with many of those things being contributions from people who aren’t me.

The other thing that I haven’t mentioned before is that I am also slowly trying to get the TotWs rejuvenated. Last week saw the rebirth of “Prehistoric Organism of the Week” as “Creature of the Week,” and I want to consider what other old TotW I can bring back like that, I’ve been mulling over “Game Character Q&A” specifically.

Phase 6 and beyond are still unknown.

Biggest Successes

While I only accomplished 30% of the list, much of what I managed to complete was not simply coincidental. The effort that has gone into Shufflingdead, and that I hope continues even now that the list’s deadline has passed, has very much been in response to the Shufflingdead-related goals of the list, like #64, expand the Shufflingdead empire.

Even some goals that were left incomplete still managed to be a positive force. I’m thinking specifically of #11, get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity. I didn’t get quite that ripped, but I did work out a lot more than ever before.

I also consider the list itself to have been incredibly successful and enjoyable. I liked having a little something to blog about each week, I liked having a convenient list to refer to when I was bored, and I especially liked the list as a motivating force in actually doing things other than lying on the couch. The summer of 2010 will certainly feature another such list.

Biggest Failures

Although I can write off a lot of the missed goals as simply being unreasonable, there were several completely doable goals that I just didn’t get around to, and that would have been incredibly fun and satisfying. I’m disappointed that I didn’t even look into #45, perform stand-up comedy, for example. I consider those kinds of missed goals to have been my biggest failures relating to the list, not the broader 70% incompletion rate.

Lessons for Next Year

I’ve learned that it’s vital to set realistic goals with clearly defined finish lines. While some of my goals were as simple as #98, see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, others lacked clarity, like #46, avenge my childhood. Some goals were virtually impossible, like #94, attend the real Olympic games. Well, there were no Olympic games going on in the summer of 2009. Granted, I had declared the summer of ’09 to end whenever I say it ended, and so I only say virtually impossible, because I could have stretched the summer all the way until the winter of 2010. That reminds me of another important lesson: have deadlines for your goals.

Even when goals are not unrealistic, I’ve learned that they still need to take into account my life as it is. #32 declared “buy more Magic cards than there are cells in my body.” I think I meant that goal to be metaphorical; I just wanted to buy lots of Magic cards. Having said that, I simply did not have the money to be buying large numbers of Magic cards this summer, and so the goal was a poor one. Additionally, buying Magic cards is not much of an ambition, and completing the goal would have been more depressing than satisfying.

For next year’s list, I certainly plan on including some of the more reasonable missed goals of this summer, but it will mostly be new material. Finally, I want to be able to actually complete the full list in a four month window, even if that means not declaring my intention to conquer death, as per #67.

Hello,
Following my viewing of Watchmen this evening, I made my traditional post-movie visit to the men’s washroom. I noticed that the floor was quite wet, and although curious, I was not overly concerned. As I was exiting my stall I heard the toilet completing my flush, and was then blasted with a torrent of ejaculating toilet water. I flung the door open and leaped from the stall like an action movie star. My friend who was washing his hands at the time witnessed the event, and described the water reaching 7-feet high.

My initial awe at the event caused me to leave the premises as soon as I had informed a staff-member of the danger lurking in the men’s room. It did not occur to me at the time to confront a manager and discuss the horror which surely warranted a recompense of some kind. I come to you now to ask sincerely for some payback for the terror which I endured on your premises.

Goals Completed this week:
1. write every day

Most days, I at least updated this site, and the days that I didn’t, I was working on other writing projects.

10. fuck

It was awhile ago, I didn’t say anything to be respectful of the lady.

12. get off from a blowjob

If I were to quote this as “get… a blowjob,” it would be quite true. I’m checking this one off.

21. collaborate with [person] creatively

We’re working on something.

27. don’t spend any money until I’m rich

True if you ignore the “until I’m rich” part. I think this goal was figurative, I couldn’t literaly spend $0, but I spent very little.

36. don’t succumb to The Man

I just got a job, which might sound like succumbing, but I continue to update Shufflingdead, and refuse to let my job get in the way of that.

37. don’t be lazy

I’m still not the most active person, but I did a lot better this summer than I usually do in terms of actually putting some energy into living.

64. expand the Shufflingdead empire

A successful new video series, 10 updates a week, and a rapidly growing hit count all tell me I did this one.

89. own Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

Just ordered on eBay.

Final tally: 30% done!

Note: later research led me to discover that it wasn’t so much different battery-save technology, but rather simply, the inclusion of an internal clock that causes the game to die. Overall, the argument still stands, as the inclusion of such a feature did cause the game to have a limited life expectancy, and one shorter than normal cartridge games.

I purchased Pokémon Gold, new, when the game was first released. Recently, I went to play the game again and found that it no longer functioned properly. My save data had disappeared, and when I attempted to start over, found that the game is no longer capable of holding save data.

Researching this issue led me to discover that the Pokémon Gold and Silver games were made using different battery-save technology than your other cartridge-based games. This was an intentional design of the Pokémon Gold and Silver games, and the loss of functionality of these games must have been anticipated. I am absolutely dismayed to find that I was misled into purchasing a product with a built-in life expectancy. I have a long history of purchasing Nintendo products, and have come to trust in the quality of those products. In this instance, I have found my trust in your company to have been betrayed.

Your form asks that I let you know how you may help. I would like to be sent a copy of the game’s remake, Pokémon HeartGold, upon its North American release. I would accept this gesture as an apology for your grievous mistake, and an adequate recompense for the disappointment I have suffered at the hands of your product.

Currently Pursuing:
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
37. don’t be lazy
40. watch 2001: A Space Odyssey
48. sing Kelly Clarkson at karaoke
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire
68. clean out university email account
71. buy [person] a SomethingAwful forums account
73. upload old, embarrassing pictures of my friends to Facebook
75. learn how to ride a bike
79. draw Amy Lee
89. own Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

Numbers 40, 48, 68, 71, 73, 79, and 89 have all been added, as I feel that I can reasonably get them all done in the one week that I have left. Next week, I will be crossing off a ton of stuff anyway, as I have several “do [blank] every day” type goals, as well as some half-done goals that I’m just going to give myself, but I really want to go out with a flurry of crossing-off.

Ongoing Goals:
1. write every day
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
14. make more money than God and then become God
27. don’t spend any money until I’m rich
36. don’t succumb to The Man

When I make my final update next week, I plan on running through the longer term goals and deciding which ones I can claim to have accomplished. If I do not succumb to The Man by then, then I suppose I will have completed that goal. However, even though I worked out nearly every single day this summer, I will surely be unable to say that I am in good enough shape to fuck with impunity.

Goals Completed this week:
17. cackle like a comic book villain

Recently, I posted a video on YouTube in which I discussed with my female guests the MMO genre of games. One viewer replied “two girls talkin MMO’s…this dude has definativley won.” When I read that, I cackled like a comic book villain.

21% done!

Nothing will replace Screwy in the Friday slot, as I’d like to have a proper two days off from the site every week. I don’t quite know what will replace the slot opening up on Wednesday. My hope is that one of the many people claiming to be working on stuff for me will step forward and give me some content.

My eventual goal is to run, each week, two comics (one by me, one by someone else), two videos (one The Dungeon, one SDGR), two articles (one by me, one by someone else), and 4 Things of the Week (at least one by someone who isn’t me).

Currently Pursuing:
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
37. don’t be lazy
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire
75. learn how to ride a bike

I’ve decided that summer will end with my 16th to-do list update. That means that after this post, I will only have two weeks to complete my 80 remaining goals. I’m going to cut my losses on some of the bigger goals, and just do as many of the smaller ones as possible in a goal-completing flurry.

Ongoing Goals:
1. write every day
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
14. make more money than God and then become God
27. don’t spend any money until I’m rich
36. don’t succumb to The Man

While I’m sure that when things conclude I’ll be able to cross #1 off the list, I’m becoming rather confident that some of these other ones will not be done in time.

Goals Completed this week:
16. become a video game ninja
23. clean out my porn folder

I’ve decided to give myself #16 because of a stunning Tetris accomplishment. I played for 75 minutes and reached 1347 lines. My final score was 3,127,721

As you can see, I played for 75 minutes and got 1347 lines! I could have kept going too; I forced myself to stop in order to escape the time-draining nature of the activity.

20% done!

When asked “please tell us what you think about Intro Packs” I responded:

Intro packs are ridiculous. What is the purpose of a 41 card theme deck that isn’t legal in any format? The booster pack included is of little value to me, I prefer to know what I’m getting and usually buy singles or at least draft.

When asked “please tell us what you think about Fat Packs” I responded:

I have no need for a (terrible) Magic novel, or any of the other paraphernalia offered in the Fat Packs. Please, instead, sell products that your customers would appreciate, such as singles or reasonably priced dual lands.

I encourage others to respond to the survey and give similar answers. Intro and Fat packs are both awful products that could easily be replaced by far more desirable ones. The questions you get will vary depending upon what you say at the beginning of the survey, but presumably you’ll get a chance to stick it to Wizards no matter what.

Currently Pursuing:
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
16. become a video game ninja
23. clean out my porn folder
37. don’t be lazy
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire
75. learn how to ride a bike

You really have to wonder just how lazy a person must be to try and fail, for an entire summer, to get up at 6am. That makes #37 my real goal, I suppose, to be followed by all the others. If I could just not be so lazy.

I added #75, learn how to ride a bike this week. I felt I needed something where I could really apply myself, but that would also be free. Additionally, riding a bike will help fulfill goal #11, get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity.

Ongoing Goals:
1. write every day
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
14. make more money than God and then become God
27. don’t spend any money until I’m rich
36. don’t succumb to The Man

I think I’d like to re-apply myself on goal #1, and do some truly hardcore writing. Henry Chinaski has inspired me.

Goals Completed this week:
60. be able to say “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
66. go to Animethon

I managed to complete #66 this weekend, and it allowed me to simultaneously fulfill the requirements for #60, because of, well, Animethon.

18% done!

Garfunkel and Oates have plenty of great videos on their YouTube channel.

Currently Pursuing:
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
16. become a video game ninja
23. clean out my porn folder
37. don’t be lazy
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire

Hilariously, I still haven’t finished cleaning out my porn folder, even though I did my music folder in a single sitting. The difference is, I suppose, that the porn is much more “distracting.”

I’ve switched from trying to wake myself up via alarm to via radio. Hopefully, maybe, there will come a time when I don’t just turn the damn thing off, feel annoyed, and roll over.

Obviously, I’m still struggling with #37, considering the length of this week’s update.

Ongoing Goals:
1. write every day
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
14. make more money than God and then become God
27. don’t spend any money until I’m rich
36. don’t succumb to The Man

I’m working on it, damn it!

Goals Completed this week:
24. clean out my music folder

16% done!

In the modern era of webmastery, you can’t just sit by and hope search engines like you, you have to reach out to your audience (otherwise known as whore yourself) and get them to give you a hand.

Right now, the Shufflingdead.com fan page on Facebook has a mere 17 members, and that’s only 17% of the 100 needed for the page to get a custom URL. Otherwise, we’re stuck with an ugly, crazy URL, and that’s not good for anybody.

So please, check out the Shufflingdead.com Facebook page, and become a fan today!

By the way, welcome to Facebook week!

Currently Pursuing:
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
16. become a video game ninja
23. clean out my porn folder
37. don’t be lazy
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire

The new goal this week is #23, clean out my porn folder. As with so many things in life, a porn folder left unchecked can easily go from small and orderly to unkempt and unmanageable. I’m trying to tame the wild porn folder by re-ordering some things, and deleting a lot more.

#16 continues with mixed results. I feel that I’ve really upped my Mario Kart Wii skills, unlocking much of what I had left. Still, a few nagging things remain, and I’ve sort of lost interest. I’ve started playing DDR Mario Mix and StarFox 64 again, with the hope of unlocking everything/earning all the medals in both games. While my initial progress in both is promising, I can’t help but think I’ll lose interest with these as well before I’ve truly mastered them.

Ongoing Goals:
1. write every day
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
14. make more money than God and then become God
27. don’t spend any money until I’m rich
36. don’t succumb to The Man

I’ve decided to add a category of ongoing goals to these weekly updates in order to keep the “Currently Pursuing” list fresh while still demonstrating my commitment to completing these longer term goals. These are goals that are a little harder to say that I’ve definitively completed, or that will simply be completed automatically when the summer ends so long as I keep working on them until then.

Goals Completed this week:
26. come up with a list to post in my room of decrees to live by

I have a long tradition of posting a list of certain rules to live by on the tack-board in my room. The previous list held several items relating specifically to school, like “don’t buy food at school.” Since I’m done school, a new list was needed. The new rules/decrees are: don’t spend money, read and write, get up early, and apply for jobs. All of which actually relate to the summer goals list as well, they’re a sort of super-refined version of the list, containing only the most broad and important pursuits.

15% done!

The most common phrases are quite dull now. In the past, most people were being brought to the site by searching for Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny, I think due to some unusually highly ranked images on an image search. That’s been corrected, so it’s a lot of “shuffling dead” and “summer to do list” now.

Of the 302 search keyphrases that have led people to Shufflingdead so far in the month of July 2009, 24 contain the word “cock.” That may sound like a lot, but I’m personally disappointed because I had read through it earlier and thought I had seen a lot more. Still, 8% of all searches that led people to the site were related to “cock,” I suppose that’s not entirely surprising considering how frequently the word’s been used over the history of the site. Some of the particular searches that used the word are a little more surprising though, highlights include: “anakin sucks emperor s cock,” “shots of scottish cock,” and “french hockey mask cock.” I like to think that someone, somewhere, is fantasizing about Anakin Skywalker and Emperor Palpatine fucking, desperately searching for some fan art or fan fiction that depicts it.

Out of all the other search keyphrases, one other stands out to me, “using unprotected sex in d&d.” That’s just inspiring. I wonder what sort of skill check you should make to see if you got knocked up. Nature?

Currently Pursuing:
1. write every day
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
14. make more money than God and then become God
16. become a video game ninja
37. don’t be lazy
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire

For the past week I’ve really focused on #16, but it’s turning out to be much more difficult than I had expected. I’ve now gotten all golds in the target practice in Perfect Dark as well as cleared the first three levels on Perfect Agent, but I feel like that’s about as far as I’m going to get in that game, and that’s not very ninja-esque.

I wonder, as I always do, if this will be the week I finally start waking up at 5am.

Goals Completed this week:
70. clean out my old school junk
98. see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Well, I boxed up the remainder of my school notes that were sitting around and threw the boxes into my closet with all of the other boxes of school junk. That’s enough cleaning for me. Going through every single item I’ve received or written on from kindergarten through year five of university is a project for a distant future when I’m so old I can’t do anything more interesting.

I also saw Harry Potter 6 this week, it was pretty good! I enjoyed the teenage drama, which was always my favourite part of the books. I also thought the kids’ acting has really improved, but the acting skill of Hermione’s breasts puts them all to shame.

14% done

Currently Pursuing:
1. write every day
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
14. make more money than God and then become God
16. become a video game ninja
37. don’t be lazy
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire

New to the list of goals I’m currently pursuing is #16, become a video game ninja. I’m looking at getting back into some older games that I might have beaten but never truly conquered. Along with listed goals like #3 complete Ocarina of Time 100%, #4 unlock Luigi in Super Mario Galaxy, and #55 beat all levels in Donkey Kong Country 2, I’m hoping to go back and unlock more, if not everything in: Perfect Dark, TimeSplitters: Future Perfect, Mario Kart Wii, F-Zero GX, and others. My ninjahood will be unquestionable!

A new goal that I have for myself over the next few weeks is to have a more intensive pursuit of all the goals on my list, with the hope that I can knock a bunch of the quick and easy ones off to make way for more of the big goals.

Goals Completed this week:
38. don’t be gross

Just before sitting down to write this update I clipped my very repulsive toenails into submission. With this, along with the recent accomplishment of #33 keep my pubes shaven, and a generally less horrifying disposition towards life, I feel that I can claim to not be gross.

12% done!

Check it out.

Currently Pursuing:
1. write every day
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
14. make more money than God and then become God
37. don’t be lazy
38. don’t be gross
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire

The newest addition to this list is #1, write every day. I made it #1 on the big list because I felt it was probably the most important and most profound entry out of everything on the list. I want to be a writer, and writers write constantly. I’m starting to push myself more to try to get the site updated every single day, as well as to work on other writing projects that I have in mind, and so this seems like a good time to formally dedicate myself to the objective.

Goals Completed this week:
35. run a weekly blog update about this list
77. have Shufflingdead updated three times a week

The time finally came to admit that talking about this to-do list eight weeks running was enough to call #35 completed. Similarly, Shufflingdead has been update three times a week for the same number of weeks, I see that as the new baseline for the site and am now looking to update it even more than that, and so #77 has also been accomplished.

11% done!

Currently Pursuing:
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
14. make more money than God and then become God
35. run a weekly blog update about this list
37. don’t be lazy
38. don’t be gross
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire
77. have Shufflingdead updated three times a week

The new item I’m pursuing this week is #14, make more money than God and then become God. I need to start making money, I’ve been broke long enough. Of course, I’ll have to do this while minding goal #36, don’t succumb to The Man.

I still don’t have a clear idea of how to go about accomplishing this particular goal. After all, even if I manage to get a job that doesn’t involve succumbing, any job with an employer likely doesn’t pay well enough to make more money than God. Questions such as “who is God?” and “how much money does he have?” also present themselves.

Goals Completed this week:
33. keep my pubes shaven
82. earn 800 Club Nintendo Coins and get something awesome with them

I think I’ve managed to maintain my pubes long enough to cross-out #33, no one should be subjected to reading about my status with regards to that particular goal every single week. I managed to get exactly 800 club Nintendo points just before the deadline and decided to go with the Hanafuda cards, I’m anticipating displaying them on my nerd shelf.

9% done!

Currently Pursuing:
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
33. keep my pubes shaven
35. run a weekly blog update about this list
37. don’t be lazy
38. don’t be gross
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire
77. have Shufflingdead updated three times a week

I decided not to add anything new this week since I’d rather continue pursuing these things and see what crops up otherwise. Once I’ve cleared a few of these, I’ll move onto other, even more absurd quests.

I am actually making progress on #11, if I move my hand around, I can see muscle in my forearm that I couldn’t before. And yet, if I suck my stomach in as much as possible, and then poke at it, I still can’t find any damn muscles there.

I’ve been enjoying doing my new series of videos, The Dungeon, but they haven’t caused an explosion of new readers for the site, and so I’m still not satisfied enough to cross off #64.

Goals Completed this week:
25. finish fixing Shufflingdead.com

As I said here, the planned repairs on Shufflingdead are now done, but in the process of repairing the site, I found more stuff I wanted to fix. I’ll probably take care of those things later on, but I’ve done enough to strikeout the goal, anyway.

7% done!

Note that the links on the left to the forums and the old site are gone. The old site is gone, so there’s nothing left to link to, and the link to the forums is now on the right, where all of the other community and networking links are.

The effort required to bring over Blogs, Cock Wars, Comics, and Things of the Week was minimal compared to porting over Articles. I had to sift through hundreds of text files and associated images, refer to a database I was kind enough to myself to make to keep track of all the old updates, update code, and copy and paste so much damn stuff that I can’t help but marvel.

My main problem was determining how to reorganize the categories into a fewer number of more logical categories. Some of them were based on the topic of the articles, and some on the type of article. I was especially worried that if I started changing everything around, that I’d lose incoming links and Google page rank. Then, just Tuesday night, I discovered that I can change URLs as much as I want, and WordPress will redirect people using the old links to the correct pages! I had a pretty merry stroll around the room when I found that out. I’ve decided that articles will be organized according to their topic, although I haven’t quite finished sorting those out yet, so some stuff is still getting moved around. The point is that it’s up now.

Well, almost everything is up. I decided to delete the most embarrassing of the embarrassing. Not surprisingly, there’s still plenty up to be embarrassed about, and even when the text itself isn’t embarrassing, a lot of the images are weirdly sized and positioned. The URLs are also not remotely optimized for search engines. I’ve finished fixing the site as much as I had planned to, but fixing it has caused me to find more stuff to fix.

Now, onto the continuing development of the new and thrilling Shufflingdead.com:
Phase 1: Finish porting site over to WordPress
Phase 2: Update at least minimally
Phase 3: Promote site
Phase 4: Expand the Shufflingdead empire
Phase 5 and beyond: still unknown

Phase 1 is done! Phase 2 is going well and continues (although my eventual goal is to get the site updated twice a day)! Now it’s time to smash into Phase 3! I’m still considering how I might do this.

Currently Pursuing:
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
25. finish fixing Shufflingdead.com
33. keep my pubes shaven
35. run a weekly blog update about this list
37. don’t be lazy
38. don’t be gross
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire
77. have Shufflingdead updated three times a week

I’m getting pretty excited about the now nearly complete #25. I think it’s safe to say that I’ll be crossing that one off on next week’s update. The fixing is going well, and yesterday I discovered something that made me believe that WordPress is a magical thing. I’ll make a dull, detailed list of all that’s gone on to fix the site once it’s done.

The new item that I’m pursuing this week is #77, although I guess I’ve been pursuing that one for awhile already. The site’s been updated three times a week four weeks running, and even more than that lately. That’s another one I’ll give myself in a few weeks.

Goals Completed this week:
2. replay some of my old favourite games

I replayed No More Heroes more thoroughly, getting the real ending, and I also blew through New Super Mario Bros. (just playing to the end, not unlocking stuff). I’m sure there will be plenty more games that I replay, but two is enough to count this goal done.

6% done!

Join Shufflingdead.com in celebrating Captain Picard Day, today, June 16th. However you want to celebrate, by making the Captain a fine gift, shaving your head, or even killing Sisko’s wife, just remember to engage.

Currently Pursuing:
2. replay some of my old favourite games
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
25. finish fixing Shufflingdead.com
33. keep my pubes shaven
35. run a weekly blog update about this list
37. don’t be lazy
38. don’t be gross
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire

Many goals on my list are pretty vague in terms of what’s actually needed to complete them. For example, #35 states that I want to run a weekly blog update about the to-do list. This post is the fourth such update that I’ve run in a row, so I’m wondering if I can count it yet. I realize that this is a summer to-do list and that it might make sense to wait until I’ve done it every week of summer, but I also said summer would end whenever I say it ends (and that this is also a bit like a life’s to-do list), so I don’t think I’m required to do an entry every week for the rest of my life to count the goal as done. I guess I’ll wait a few more weeks before I call that one.

The new goal I’ve added this week is #25 finish fixing Shufflingdead.com. I’ve been shuffling many, many very old files relating to old articles around on my computer, getting ready to enter them into WorPress. As they are so old, a lot of them are also very embarrassing, and so I’m weeding out the few that are so atrocious I feel the need to take them out of the reach of public viewing for good.

Goals Completed this week:
74. attend my university convocation

I’ve officially graduated from university! Good life, here I come!

5% done!

Currently Pursuing:
2. replay some of my old favourite games
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
33. keep my pubes shaven
35. run a weekly blog update about this list
37. don’t be lazy
38. don’t be gross
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire

The only new goal I can really say that I’m pursuing this week is #2. I’ve been playing through No More Heroes again, inspired by the recently released trailer for the sequel, which has got me pretty excited. I might consider playing Mario Galaxy again, thanks to the announced sequel to that. Actually, replaying New Super Mario Bros. seems most likely, I’m pretty pumped about New Super Mario Bros. Wii. The fact that I know all about this indicates that I’m still struggling with #37 and #38.

I sprained my ankle, which means running is out for now, but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped my attempt at #11. Indeed, I’ve dug out the weight bench once again (I’ve made small goes at weightlifting a few times), and am in the process of “getting ripped.”

I feel that #64 won’t be complete until I’ve really done something new with the site that earns actual notice from the internet world outside my immediate fandom of real life friends. I’m considering more YouTube videos, that might be enough.

Goals Completed this week:
47. go walking with [person]

4% done now!

Currently Pursuing:
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
33. keep my pubes shaven
35. run a weekly blog update about this list
37. don’t be lazy
38. don’t be gross
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire

Most of these haven’t changed from last week. For some of them I feel like progress is being made, and for others progress has stalled. #64 continues as I work on the site’s Twitter, deviantArt, and YouTube pages, and I’ll probably be able to cross it off sometime soon. #7 is a much bigger struggle, I just gravitate towards staying up all night, reversing that is proving pretty tough.

The new additions are #37 and #38. Not being lazy is going to be absurdly difficult, it’s pretty much my modus operandi, and in recent weeks it’s actually gotten worse. I’m not entirely sure what an end to laziness even entails, probably pursuing more things from the list.

The thing about being lazy is that at least people can readily identify it. If you ask someone on the street what a gross person is, they might give you an example of a celebrity that terrifies them, “Jeffrey Jones is gross,” but they probably couldn’t give you a definition. So how do I not be gross? Have more showers? Not be perverted? Be perverted but not talk about it? For me, #38 is really a sister goal of #37 and may actually be achieved simultaneously. Not being gross, for me, is not being utterly lethargic.

Goals Completed this week:
72. transplant and trim my bonsai

3% done. That’s something, I guess, but my pace has slowed (last week I completed two items). Hopefully I’ll be able to win lottery this week, and then I’ll really start knocking down some goals.

Currently Pursuing:
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
33. keep my pubes shaven
35. run a weekly blog update about this list
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire

Do you know what a skinny-fat person is? Allow me to use Urban Dictionary to explain: “A dude who has a gut and little girl arms. It is an implied insult that he does not benefit from fat guy arms, by which fat guys at least get to be tough looking.” This is a not inaccurate way of describing my physical appearance. I am a skinny fat person, and that’s not at all conducive to fucking with impunity.

So far #11, and its sister goal #7, are progressing, although slowly. I practiced my b-balling skills on the asphalt court of the mean streets on Saturday, and it made my shoulders hurt and filled my socks with sweat, so that must count as exercise. I’ve also slowly shifted my wake-up time from 2pm at the start of May to a more reasonable 10am, although it’s still nowhere near the 5-6am that I’m imagining I will need to jog without having to fear hecklers.

#64 is also coming along. I started up a Twitter page for the site, so that’s something.

Goals Completed this week:
63. delete fake users from Shufflingdead forums
65. jerk off tonight

2% done already! Obviously, those were just as challenging as learning French or conquering death will be.

Like Lawrence’s cousin, I don’t do shit, I have no life. Well, alright, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. I have a life, it is a very dull life, and it consists of the following:

• sleeping in until at least noon
• laying on the couch (either to watch TV or play video games)
• watching videos on YouTube
• trawling Facebook for pictures of hot girls I know
• reading personals on Craigslist to make me feel better about myself
• walking
• drinking
• playing Magic
• playing D&D
• generally nerding it up

Check out my latest progress reports:

Summer ‘09 To-Do List: Concluding Ruminations

List making has been an obsession of mine over the last few years; I’ve made lists for everything from games I want to beat to places I want to travel to. I think lists are great, it’s very satisfying to cross things off of them. I’ve decided to start up a new list, it’s not going to be a master list of all the other lists, or even a remotely exhaustive list. This is something like a cross between a summer to-do list, and a life’s goals list, with summer ending whenever I say it ends. I’m going to come back each Wednesday and discuss my progress with the various goals listed, and cross them out as I accomplish them. Yes, this kind of to-do list is very “what I did with my blog in 2004,” but what is Shufflingdead if not 5 years behind the rest of the world? Names have been removed to, as they say, “protect the innocent.”

1. write every day
   
2. replay some of my old favourite games

3. complete Ocarina of Time 100%
4. unlock Luigi in Super Mario Galaxy
5. make another D&D campaign
6. run
7. wake up so early that I can run with impunity
8. get driver’s license
9. destroy [person] in an argument
   
10. fuck

11. get in good enough shape to fuck with impunity
    
12. get off from a blowjob

13. write like death is upon me, and that my efforts will be the only thing for which I will be remembered
14. make more money than God and then become God
15. reign fire down upon the wicked
    
16. become a video game ninja
    
17. cackle like a comic book villain

18. read Watchmen
19. start a podcast
20. start doing game review videos again
    
21. collaborate with [person] creatively

22. get my writing published and get paid for it
    
23. clean out my porn folder
    
24. clean out my music folder
    
25. finish fixing Shufflingdead.com
    
26. come up with a list to post in my room of decrees to live by
    
27. don’t spend any money until I’m rich

28. when I’m rich, spend lots of money
29. move out of my parent’s house
30. buy a house
31. buy a car
32. buy more Magic cards than there are cells in my body
    
33. keep my pubes shaven

34. own a godly video game collection (to go along with my godly place in the universe)
    
35. run a weekly blog update about this list
    
36. don’t succumb to The Man
    
37. don’t be lazy
    
38. don’t be gross

39. buy a suit
40. watch 2001: A Space Odyssey
41. get my passport
42. perform oral sensual pleasuring on a woman
43. write a novel
44. be TIME’s person of the year AGAIN
45. perform stand-up comedy
46. avenge my childhood
    
47. go walking with [person]

48. sing Kelly Clarkson at karaoke
49. go on a vacation outside of North America
50. visit western Europe
51. visit eastern Europe
52. visit Japan
53. have an orgy with a bunch of Japanese women in my Tokyo hotel room
54. titty fuck Fuko, Anna Ohura, and/or Hitomi Tanaka
55. beat all levels in Donkey Kong Country 2
56. meet a celebrity
57. be a celebrity
58. be published on a website other than my own
59. become death, the destroyer of worlds
    
60. be able to say “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”

61. finish [person]‘s website
62. see [person]‘s tits
    
63. delete fake users from Shufflingdead forums
    
64. expand the Shufflingdead empire
    
65. jerk off tonight
    
66. go to Animethon

67. conquer death
68. clean out university email account
69. run a successful gaming website
    
70. clean out my old school junk

71. buy [person] a SomethingAwful forums account
    
72. transplant and trim my bonsai

73. upload old, embarrassing pictures of my friends to Facebook
    
74. attend my university convocation

75. learn how to ride a bike
76. learn French well enough to watch Amelie without subtitles
    
77. have Shufflingdead updated three times a week

78. build a Lego tower out of all my Lego
79. draw Amy Lee
80. read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
81. read Mona Lisa Overdrive
    
82. earn 800 Club Nintendo Coins and get something awesome with them

83. go to the opera
84. go to a musical
85. see another of Shakespeare’s plays performed
86. go on a hot-air-balloon ride
87. learn how to swim
88. own a telescope
    
89. own Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

90. watch all of Freaks and Geeks
91. go to a free yoga lesson
92. try zorbing
93. win NaNoWriMo
94. attend the real Olympic games
95. be elected to political office
96. become Doctor Newbs
97. take a design course
    
98. see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

99. be the Nerd Olympics champion
100. two chicks at the same time

30/100 Goals Accomplished
Strikethrough indicates goals I have accomplished.
Bold indicates goals I am currently pursuing.

Welcome to Brannigan 2008, Brannigan 5. The finest Brannigan that there has ever been.

It’s now time for the annual speech and song. This year it’s actually a speech followed by a poem.

Speech:

Welcome! Welcome to a new year at Brannigan!
Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are:
Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!
Thank you!

Poem:

This poem is dedicated to a fine young lady who I know. Don’t worry, she gave me permission to do this.

This poem is called “My precious”

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.
DMUSER has a Magic card named Grim-Poppet.
Monopoly is my game, not into Bop-it.
You always turn me down, sure wish you would stop it.

At Brannigan last, one long year ago today.
If I recall, my love for you I did convey.
On our dates I would split the pay.
I’m just really really cheap that way.

And now it’s time for a refrain.
How I honour that John McClain.
Zoolander, film with Billy Zane.
Nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain.

I do enjoy it when we fight.
While my views are always right.
And yours certainly a little light.
I still think you’re lookin’ tight.

Last time I wrote a poem for a girl.
She never let me give her a necklace pearl.
But she did date me for a whirl.
How ‘bout it woman, even though I make you hurl?

Thank you.

Speech:

I’d just like to thank everyone for coming to Brannigan 2007. It’s time now for the annual speech and song. As many of you know, this has been the year of drama, and this speech is dedicated to all of those who got caught up in it. This is called Coronation of Newbius One.

Fellow Nerds, I come to you in the wake of recent events, to issue a call to reason. Let no human deny the perils of our time. While we battle one another, divided by the petty strife of our common history, the tide of a greater conflict is turning against us. Threatening to destroy all that we have accomplished.

It is time for us as nations, and as individuals, to set aside our long standing feuds and unite. The tides of an unwinable war are upon us. And we must seek refuge upon higher ground, lest we be swept away by the flood. The Corner is no more. Whatever semblance of unity and protection it once provided is a phantom, a memory. With our enemies left unchecked, who will you turn to for protection?

The devastation wrought by the age invaders is self evident. We have seen our homes bought and communities contributed to by the calculated blows of adulthood. We have seen first hand our friends and loved ones consumed by the nightmarish careers. Unprecedented and unimaginable, though they may be, these are the signs of our time.

The time has come my fellow Nerds, to rally to a new banner. In unity lies strength. Already many of the dissident factions have joined us. Out of the many we shall forge an indivisible whole. Capitulating only to a single throne. And from that throne, I shall watch over you.

From this day foreword let no human make war upon any other human. Let no Nerd agency conspire against this new beginning. And let no man consort with aging powers. And to all the enemies of humanity, seek not to bar our way, for we shall win through, no matter the cost.

Song:

Thank you. I will now butcher a song. This is by Janis Ian, with contributions from me, it’s called Twenty-three is Number One.

I learned the truth at swenty-three
That love was meant for beauty queens
and high school girls with clear skinned smiles
who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
were spent on one more beautiful
At twenty-three I learned the truth

And those of us with ravaged faces
lacking in the social graces
desperately remained at home
inventing lovers on the phone
who called to say – come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
It isn’t all it seems at seventeen

My hopes are that with this new, less embarrassing version, I will be inspired to update more, and that my “staff” will feel the same way, and that those “staff” will tell their “staff” to start updating, until eventually the site is updated semi-regularly!

Let us begin!

Speech:

This poem is for someone, but you know who you are. This poem is called Brannigan’s Love. (pause)

Brannigan’s Law
I’ll get you like Doctor Claw
A pact made in Warsaw.

Is like Brannigan’s love
Not a concept of wuv
Enterprise orbits above.

Hard and fast
Like the Black Pearl’s mast
And a fireball cast.

Just turned twenty-two
This day I rue
Balls are still blue.

Song:

(bow) I shall now butcher a song.

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried.
I’ve had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say – not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way.

Speech:

Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits. I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Song:

It´s been a long road, getting from there to here.
It´s been a long time, but my time is finally near.
And I will see my dream come alive at last. I will touch the sky.
And they’re not gonna hold me down no more, no they’re not gonna change my mind.

Cause I’ve got faith of the heart.
I’m going where my heart will take me.
I’ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I’ve got strength of the soul. And no one’s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I’ve got faith, I’ve got faith, faith of the heart.

• Advice
• Computers
• Conspiracies
• Dating
• Extracurricular
• Fun
• Galleries
• Game Reviews
• Games
• Guides
• Humans
• ICQ whore
• Interviews
• Personas
• Politics
• Pop Culture Pain
• Project LiveJournal
• Reviews
• School
• Society
• Unfunny

These are the most common searches that people performed on search engines which lead them to this site in May 2007:

Uhh, yeah, fascinating stuff. This page and the two images that appear on it are consistently some of the most accessed files on the entirety of Shufflingdead. That says a lot about the internet and human fascination with supposedly erotic fan art, I think I’m going to try to take advantage of this in the near future.

Yeah, I still have to upload basically the entire site to a new server, but at least the forums are working.

As soon as I have time, you can expect a cutting review of my former host, page-zone.com.

I Blame Humanity
The Game

What I can say is this, shufflingnerds.com is officially relaunched as of right now.

You may have noticed some small changes to the navigation of the site, including a new link, TotW, or “Things of the Week.” Essentially, these will be small updates made throughout the week and be of a weekly nature, if that makes any sense.

That probably didn’t make any sense; hopefully this list can do the explaining for me. Since I make my updates in the dead of night I consider them to be made on the days listed, however the date in brackets is when you humans will actually see them:

Sunday (Monday) – Prehistoric Organism of the Week
Tuesday (Wednesday) – Shameful Human of the Week
Wednesday (Thursday) – Pro-Con List of the Week
Friday (Saturday) – Word of the Week
Saturday (Sunday) – Open Letters to Celebrities

Mondays (Tuesdays) will see the return of articles, and Thursdays (Fridays) will see the return of comics. Together, all of this means that Shufflingdead will, in theory, be updated every day with at least a little something. Just what the TotW thing is on a particular day will change over time, and some weeks will be theme weeks, meaning that all of the TotW things will connect somehow. Hooray!

It’s not all bad though; the site will stumble on with Version 9 until I have learned glorious PHP and CSS for myself, at which point I will upgrade the site with an updating program of my own. At some point Shufflingnerds.com will also be relaunched, hopefully with an all new work ethic.

While I was repairing the site from its meltdown, I felt that tinge pride, that I was once again overseeing my empire of HMTL.

Thanks to these guys, and Wikipedia, I have learned that there is such a thing as Nerdcore, the mind boggles.

• Cover Page
• Chapter 1: Womankind
• Screwy
• Ol’ One Eye
• Wood
• Screwy: The Gathering
• Grand Adventure
• The New Girl – This is the new one!
• (a bunch more comics here)
• I Blame Humanity
• (some more comics here)
• The Game

Chances are if you’re reading this, then you’ll have already seen my first such article right above this on the front page.

Note that these will be in the original form that I wrote them, so you could call these the “director’s cut.”

For now you can access the old site here while I move everything over.

Pretty fucking ridiculous, wouldn’t you say?

1. Link to the Past
2. Ocarina of Time
3. Wind Waker
4. Minish Cap
5. Majora’s Mask
6. Oracle of Ages
7. Oracle of Seasons

Well there you have it, that’s some important shit to know if you’re planning on writing my biography. There are many other Zelda games, and indeed I do own them all, some day I’ll play them through and then those shall be ranked as well. Now that Minish Cap is out of the way, I can finally return to the games I’ve been trying to play and/or replay for the last millennia or so: Majora’s Mask, Legend of Zelda, Resident Evil 0, Metroid Prime[hard] and Metroid Prime 2. It’s not that I’m a nerd of immeasurable stature, I just have no attention span and so must switch between games every meal or so.

Is Penny Arcade a blog? Of course not, it’s an online comic strip. It just happens that the guys who run PA like to sometimes wax poetic about the latest developments in the world of gaming, and sometimes the skinny one likes to talk about recently spawning some kind of “hu-man”. That raises the question then, if the PA guys can run a comic strip where they get to yammer on about everything and nothing all at once on their front page, then why can’t I? But of course I can, and it isn’t blogging because I say so.

Why Newbs, what game have you been playing lately?! I’m glad you asked that, dear Universe, for these days I am playing The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap. It’s not every day you get to play through a brand new Zelda game. Unless Madden is your favourite game franchise, you don’t get to play a brand new game from your favourite franchise every day either. Thus far, (and I’m very near the end) this thing is simply amazing. The game borrows and expands on elements from all the previous Zelda titles as these games always do. It’s as if Link to the Past and Wind Waker got together for some hot, gooey fornication to provide the graphics. There are many examples of gameplay elements evolved from previous Zelda titles as well, even Four Swords. I’m telling you now; Newbs recommends this product for human consumption.

Fair Newbs, are you presently, figuratively speaking, beating off to any celebrities? That is an excellent question, because indeed I am. This is no chick from a band as usual actually; it’s a man I like to call “The Captain”. Here, read now as I write him an open letter.

]]> http://shufflingdead.com/blogs/newbs/on-blogging-and-minish-cap.php/feed 0 http://shufflingdead.com/blogs/newbs/the-alliance-and-some-compliments.php http://shufflingdead.com/blogs/newbs/the-alliance-and-some-compliments.php#comments Sat, 14 Aug 2004 05:01:01 +0000 Newbs http://shufflingdead.com/?p=884

[Gandalf Stormcrow]

Newbs Response:
What the fuck is the Holding Company? Sounds like some Communist rhetoric. Just what kind of operations have you performed? I have been under the impression that The Alliance performs all of the largest operations of anything ever.

I am officially appointing you “Guy In Charge of Spying on the Holding Company.” You seem to have an in with this perspective new enemy. You can gather data about who they are, what they do, and precisely why The Alliance should hate them.

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