Image: Adapted from Bell Headquarters by Sweet One under a CC-BY-SA license.

I have a series of questions for our Canadian fans. Do you like the internet? Do you like using the internet for legal services such as gaming and Netflix? Do you like watching ShufflingDead’s videos in glorious high definition on YouTube?

If you said yes to any of the above, then you are, right now, in the process of receiving an almighty corporate cock-lashing.

The CRTC, whose supposed job it is to regulate telecommunications carriers, gave network owners the go ahead to implement “usage based billing” as requested by Bell Canada. This was to come into effect 90 days from its October 28, 2010 decision. That would be right now. Under this system, Bell and others are allowed to charge internet users by the gigabyte.

Smaller ISPs who operate on the owners’ networks will be similarly charged, with a mere 15% wholesale discount, and forced to pass those fees on to their customers. This leaves Bell’s smaller competitors with little edge, and makes them more readily crush-able.

And what of those fees? Ontario’s TekSavvy will now be forced to slam its users with a 25GB per month cap. Going over that limit will set you back $1.90 per gigabyte. Let’s all go to the fucking lobby of justice known as the truth and figure out what that might look like for a “heavy” user (read: someone who actually uses the services available on the modern internet, not your email forwarding grandma):

Wow, over $100 a month to use the internet?!?! Convenient how the high-bandwidth entertainment offered online suddenly looks a lot less appetizing, huh? With users forced to pay more for the bandwidth they’re consuming, they’ll be forced to cut down on such activities, and turn to other sources for movies and other amusements. It just so happens that Bell and other carriers offer their own entertainment services at slightly more palatable rates! This move severely harms the competitiveness of great services like Netflix.

You may be thinking “poor Bell, it’s not fair that they should have to endure my heavy usage!,” but then you’d be a fucking idiot. There are fixed costs to delivering internet to your house, just as there are to hooking Freddy Facebook up with his poking fix. Your long nights of porn streaming that Freddy doesn’t engage in cost Bell about $0.01/gigabyte. Bell doesn’t have to manufacture extra bandwidth for you, they don’t have to mine it out of the ground.

The “why” of this scenario is simple: Bell wants to make as much money as possible. Charging customers out the ass is one way of doing that, being able to provide better deals than their small ISP competitors is another, and driving out competing services for their entertainment offerings is yet another.

The “how” is a little more disturbing. The CRTC initially sought to require Bell to delay usage-based billing until moving its customers off of unlimited plans, and offer usage insurance plans to smaller ISPs. Bell appealed those decisions, and the CRTC complied. Let’s read the subtext: Bell owns the government of Canada. Corporations run our lives and the government is complicit.

The internet is the most powerful communications and entertainment tool in human history. It allows anyone, from anywhere in the world, to talk to anyone else. It allows anyone, anywhere in the world, to produce digital entertainment, and provide it to anyone else. When corporations are allowed to limit and manipulate your use of the internet, they deprive you of the freedom fundamental to the value of that tool. Fight the power.

Waiting 5 minutes for Firefox to start up is never fun

Keeping your computer running fast is always important, especially for gamers. Let me take you on a speedy walkthrough of my weekly computer cleansing ritual that keeps my PC quick and healthy. I’ll show you some tips and tricks to keeping your computer running optimized without having to pay for any software.

Step 1: Uninstall programs you know you never use
Come on people, this isn’t that hard. Haven’t played WoW in a year and a half? Just uninstall it! You can download it (for free) later! Never use that free audio editing software you tried out 6 months ago? Get rid of it! You can always download it (for free) later! Uninstalling useless shit off your hard drive is definitely one of the best ways to keep your computer running efficiently.

There is no use holding on to old programs you never use and can readily reinstall them again if you suddenly need them again. Don’t forget to delete the install files as well, if you have them.

Step 2: Remove unnecessary system files & restore points
The next thing I do to make sure my computer is running fast is remove any extra data that I don’t need. Freeing up space on your hard drive will ensure your computer will be running super fast. To do this, simply go to the Disk Cleanup tool in your Control Panel. After it’s calculated how much it can clean off your computer, switch to the More Options tab. At the bottom there will be a System Restore Clean Up button, which will remove all but the most recent restore point. Go ahead and run that. After it’s finished, go back to the Disk Cleanup tab and check everything off and hit Okay.

Step Three: Clean out your registry
Your registry is just a huge database that your system, programs, and devices use to store different bits of information. Now that you’ve uninstalled that crap you never use, cleaning up your registry means that unused or corrupted registry data that was left behind gets taken out.

Some might call cleaning your registry unnecessary, I however think you might as well do it. Cleaning up stray DLLs and reg files might not give a great performance boost if you do it regularly, but I’m sure these little problems add up over time. As you install and uninstall programs or devices often they don’t automatically clean themselves up. Check out this great Lifehacker article for more information.

If you do choose to clean out your registry from time to time, make sure to back it up, either by creating a System Restore Point or using a program that will back it up automatically, like CCleaner.

Step Four: Check your startup settings
When you first turn your computer on, your system can sometimes crawl because a large number of programs are starting up at once. You want to minimize the number of programs that autostart.

To check what programs are run automatically at startup run msconfig.exe. Click Start -> Run -> and then type msconfig.exe. Switch to the startup tab and uncheck any unnecessary or suspicious looking executables.

Step Five: Defragging
The last thing I do is make sure my computer is defragged. Over time, data on your harddrive gets added, removed, and moved around. Defragging simply optimizes where the data on your hard drive is located, so that your computer can access it faster. Windows7 has a nice, quick defragger that you can schedule regularly. The built-in defrag tools on Vista and older Window OSes are super slow and I recommend you download a free defragger like Defraggler or Auslogics Disk Defrag.

Make sure your computer virus scanner only runs when you aren’t using it
This may seem like a no-brainer, but some people aren’t aware that this could cause a system slowdown. If you run your virus scanner regularly, don’t set it to run when you know you’ll be on your computer. Set it to 5am Wednesday morning, just make sure you leave your PC on the night before. Having it run can drop your frame rates in-game tremendously, and hog a ton of CPU. There is no need for you to ever be around when it runs.

Every so often check for Spyware and Adware
Sometimes when you browse the internet, regardless of the browser, you may pickup spyware or adware. SpyBot is a great, free program to get rid of these malicious files, although I recommend leaving TeaTimer and SDHelper OFF for optimal performance. You don’t need to run Spybot as often as the other system clean up tools, once every couple of months should be more than enough. Unless you look at a ton of pron.

Install a browser plug-in like NoScript
Speaking of pron, if you regularly visit sketchy sites or do a lot of online shopping or banking, it might be wise to install something like NoScript, which automatically turns off any scripts or flash until you approve them. While this won’t speed up your performance directly, having this installed will prevent any unknown scripts from running in your browser, ensuring that you won’t get hijacked by any malicious netcrap. It take a little while to get used to approving your regular and trusted sites, but after using it for a few weeks you won’t even notice it. An added bonus is it blocks a lot of (but not all) advertisements.

Don’t pay for any computer optimization tools
Because someone out there makes a better one for free. Let me know your favorites programs in the comments below and I can add them.

This concludes my handy Computer Optimization Guide. I try to do the main five steps once every week, and encourage you to do the same. If your computer is still running dismally slow after following these tips, it’s probably time to upgrade your hardware or reinstall a fresh copy of your OS.

Images: Windows 7. Copyright Microsoft.

Shufflingdead.com contributor and video editor Sulci, hard at work.

For those of us blessed with a computer and the internet at work, there is nothing more satisfying than having a few spare moments to scroll through the day’s important updates on the old RSS feeder. Today’s News stories, Youtube videos and that weekly update from that one webcomic that you would never remember to check otherwise, all ready for your viewing pleasure.

These critical updates maybe not be enough to keep you busy throughout your working day, however. So to keep the day interesting, sometimes we have to fill in the gaps, so to speak, and fill out our feeders with other interesting content.

I have compiled, for your reference and potential time wasting pleasure, a list of some of the feeds that I can’t believe I read everyday. But that I might as well read, because that way, when I check every 5 minutes during my busy day, I’ll at least have something to read.

10. Awkward Boners: Full of pictures of awkward boners. Seriously. Pretty safe work. I imagine that a few of them are staged, but a lot of them are just snapshots that look quite authentic. Classy.
9. There, I Fixed It: Sometimes stupid, sometimes quite innovative… Mind blowing, breathtaking DIY photos of everything and anything. Instructions not included.
8. People Of Wal~Mart: Sometimes this site seems to just be a collection of overweight people shopping at Wal~Mart, but sometimes there are some genuinely weird and awkward moments captured in Wal~Marts all across the United States.
7. Crazy Things Parents Say: Just like the title implies, its a collection of funny quotes that kids post after hearing horrifying things that their parents talk about.
6. Cute Overload: The definitive website for cute animal pictures and videos. This site has been around forever and even has its own line of merchandise. I should know, I own the 365 page calender.
5. Black & WTF: This site is a real gem. On it you’ll find crazy black and white photographs, both new and old. Almost all of them will make you take a second look. Just a warning however, some of the photos are not safe for work. If you have a job like mine, they are safe.
4. Cracked.com: The ultimate time wasting list site. Not only will you manage to waste hours and hours going through these lists, you will also learn things which can help you make small chat with your fellow bored co-workers.
3. Fail Blog: If someone or something has failed and somehow it was recorded on tape or video, you know you can find it here.
2. Know Your MEME: Another hidden jewel of the interwebs, Know Your Meme will educate you in all things meme, ensuring that you will always be in the know and that you will understand why people are laughing when topics like snorting cinnamon on Youtube or “Where the Hell is Matt?” come up.
1. Texts From Last Night and F My Life: TFLN and FML are probably two of the most popular RSS feeds you’ll find in the workplace. The biggest advantage of these feeds is how often new content is added. I’m sure a lot of the stories that get posted are fake, but a lot of them are pretty funny. But seriously, updated all the time, for you 5 minute checkers.

Well folks, that about wraps up the list. There is just one more, highly secret, RSS to mention here: the Shufflingdead feed. That’s where you’ll find daily updates on all the most important stories, not to mention the best writing on the internet.

I would like to thank my charming and internet savvy co-workers for providing most of these links, making my job a much more satisfying place to be.

I’ve written before about creating a successful website, but this is 2009, and things have changes. GeoCities will soon be closed, the first result of seemingly every search is to a Wikipedia article, and people actually make money uploading their content to other people’s websites. This is the era of getting big on big sites, and using that fame to trick people into visiting your website.

Step 1: Get Internet-Famous

You might have assumed that the first step would be to actually build your website, but that comes second. The first step in creating a successful website is to become popular somewhere else on the internet. If you are already a real-life celebrity, you may move immediately to Step 2.

Becoming one of the most subscribed people on YouTube would be an incredible way to do this. If you don’t have a camera or you’re not hot or horrifying enough to develop a following, you can try for text-based celebrity. Pick a large internet forum, post with absurd regularity and see if you can’t become infamous by being annoying enough to get noticed, without being offensive enough to get banned. Alternatively, become a highly friend-ed member of a link sharing site like Digg.

Step 2: Build Your Website

Once you’re internet-famous, you can build a website. You need to establish a destination dedicated to you, so that all of your new fans may gawk at you and educate themselves on all that there is of you. Make sure that the site you build is equipped to eventually handle the content you put on that site. After getting a domain and web hosting, you need to install a content management system (nobody makes his or her own anymore, by the way). Go with WordPress, it does everything for you.

PhillyD: YouTube’s favourite son.

Step 3: Get Accounts at a Bunch of Social Networking Sites

Step 1 required you to become popular on one social networking site or online community. Now that you’ve built a website, you need to join several more such sites in order to give your fan base additional material. No one cares about your Twitter posts unless you’re famous, there was no point in joining up at Step 1, but now that you’re famous, people will love to hear about the meaningless things you do each and every day.

Step 4: Promote Your Website

Step 4 cannot possibly be performed unless you are a real-life celebrity or have first accomplishing Step 1. It’s impossible to promote a site unless you have a large pool of obsessed fans already paying attention. Don’t worry if you have little-to-nothing on this new site of yours. To begin with, all you really need are a few pictures of yourself, and links to your accounts at the social networking sites you’ve just joined. To promote your site, simply start telling your fans about it, and how amazing it might eventually be. They’ll be amused long enough for you to enter Step 5.

Social networking is vital.

Step 5: Create Content for Your Website

The most important trick in making a successful website these days is to never, ever, make content for the site. Instead, you can do one of two things: either make content for other sites that then gets aggregated on your site (like with YouTube videos) or make content that is hosted on your site, but that only exists to facilitate alluring hooks on other sites (like Digg).

As I’ve mentioned, it can be tough to become popular on YouTube, and so you may once again need to resort to this second, text based method of attracting readers. This type of content should only consist of innocuous lists of pop culture items like “top 7 Star Wars movies,” or “top 6 pictures of Gaius Baltar.” In order to maximize hit count and therefore ad revenue, make sure to space out your writing with lots of images, and separate each list entry onto a separate page.

Well there you have it, five easy steps to self employment. I wish the best of luck in your endeavour.

I know what you’re doing. Even if I haven’t actually talked to you in a decade, I know the details of your life, because you let me know on Facebook. I see you, in your relationships, going on your trips, having, unbelievably, your weddings, and even reproducing.

Once, long ago, people relied on gossip as the means of discovering the life events of people they didn’t know very closely. The thing about gossip, though, is that it’s almost certainly only worth sharing when it’s negative, or at the very least, naughty. With Facebook, I’m forced to hear about all of the positive developments in people’s lives, the stuff they actually want to share, and it’s starting to depress me.

Until recently, Facebook was like a hyper-gossip, and actually quite useful. I would log in, creep on some of the attractive ladies, and feel comfort in the fact that soon enough I would see their relationship status switch to single. Now, with the onset of adulthood, I find that I’m increasingly being confronted with much more horrifying, much more positive life changes, the kind that make it increasingly obvious that I’m losing.

It’s time to consider just what the fuck it is that you people are doing before you get a little too far ahead of me. Your information was useful when it had the potential to help me get laid. Seeing people have children, seriously, read that word again, children, is not only something that doesn’t help me get laid, and is not even just something that makes me less likely to get laid, it’s actually something that makes me not want to get laid. Children. You’re reproducing. What in the ever loving fuck are you doing?

Alright, look, I can live with you having kids if I have to. Since you’re bragging about it, I assume it’s something you actually want to be doing, and as such I can be made moderately jealous of, but it’s sure as fuck not what I want to be doing. Marriage too, might be nice, but I’m in no hurry. The things that really bother me are the trips, the cars, the houses, the hot girlfriends, and the general happiness which your photos, status updates, and mass-mailed messages convey. It’s all making me look bad, and it’s all making me feel bad.

All of this signals the utter meaninglessness, time wasting nature of my life. If you wouldn’t mind being just a little more considerate, try balancing all of the positive news with equal portions of bad. Bought a house? Great, now post your utility bills. Went on a trip? Now write a note explaining in detail the gruesome food poisoning you experienced, and throw in a mention of the turbulence you encountered on the flight back.

If your life really is the pristine magnificence you have so far represented it as, and you’re considering bragging about it yet again, take a moment to reflect on how much better you are than me already, and spare me the embarrassment of being faced with that fact yet again.

Part 2: We probably won’t care if you break one of these rules:
1. Don’t image leech. Really, I don’t care that much, especially if it’s from a bigger site, but hosting your own images is a good way to ensure that they don’t get deleted or changed, as well as ensuring I don’t get harassed by anyone about it.
2. Don’t break the tables. If you post a really long line of text or a large image, it can extend your post beyond the width of the other posts in a thread, and it’s really irritating. If you do this, we’ll probably edit your post to fix it.

Part 2: Post in the right place:
1. Before starting a new thread, consider where it should go. A detailed description of each forum can be found below, under heading III, but each forum is pretty self explanatory, please try to start new threads where you think they should go. If you’re not sure, either ask an admin, or post it in General Discussion, and we’ll move it to where it should go.
2. Before making a new post, consider if it belongs in the thread you’re posting in, or if it deserves a new thread. Threads can easily become derailed when people don’t stay on topic. If something in one thread makes you think of something that’s not directly related, consider starting a new thread for it.

Part 2: Using the quote button
One issue that people seem to frequently have when posting on the forums is not knowing how to quote other posters.

Find the post you want to quote:

Click on the quote button directly above the post and you get this:

Type your response underneath and hit submit:

Part 3: Using the “Mark forums read” feature
Many users have wished for this feature, and as it turns out, it’s just hidden. Here it is:

I started out on the internet a little later than a lot of nerds. I never had dial-up, never experiences BBSes, and I never did much with chat rooms. Still, it was 2001 when I got the internet, and that feels like a long time ago now. Back then, we had something called ICQ, I used it to waste time with my friends and harass the girls I went to high school with. My early experiences with the internet very much sprang from ICQ, it was where a friend told me you could get free hosting for your own website at a place called Angelfire, and it was over ICQ that many of the interactions which I discussed and parodied on that Angelfire site (which eventually became this site) came from.

After a couple of years of dealing with that particular piece of bloated software though, something happened. A girl I knew declared that she was switching to MSN Messenger, and desperate as I was, I had no choice but to join her there. I don’t know exactly how it started, but a trickle becomes a flood, and in time, everyone I knew who once used ICQ had switched to MSN. Sometimes, I wonder if it was that one girl who caused the entire switch. There was a strange divide too, Canadians had gone to MSN, and Americans had gone to AIM, nevertheless, we had all switched.

MSN was so much better, in so many ways, than ICQ, but it lacked one feature that I missed for a long, long time: the random messaging. On ICQ, you could search for people using just their name and location, it was easy finding acquaintances and local strangers. You could find the hot girl in your class, and occasionally, a random girl might contact you, and you could try tricking her into thinking you weren’t a mal-adjusted high school dweeb. I used MSN just as much as I had used ICQ, but the excitement I had about instant messaging faded and died with the switch. The novelty of talking to my friends without having to look at them stopped feeling like an adventure, and started feeling like an exercise in time wasting. But I’m a chronic time waster, so I kept it up.

Early on in my university career, new ways of using the internet continued to emerge. Rather than the concentrated, direct methods of communication that dwelled in email and instant messaging, ever more diffuse methods rose up from the aether. Social networking sites appeared, and they allowed people to do that thing I had missed so much about ICQ, that ability to try to pick-up near-strangers over the internet. I don’t remember why I joined MySpace, but like with most things in my life, it was probably for the chicks. I never really got into MySpace (most of my friends just never bothered with it), but I do remember trying to pick up the odd girl, and even got a date out of it.

Around the same time as MySpace, another trend came to be. Everyone I knew already had cell phones, but for whatever reason, they started using them to text each other. What at first was a novelty, became a trend, and the trend became a near-requirement for communication. With the rise of texting, came the downfall of IM; why sit at your computer and text for free, when you can text from your couch for money? Then, as with now, I remained too cheap to get a cell phone, and I just didn’t care. I was texting in 2001, it was called ICQ, and it never cramped my hands. The novelty of engaging in meaningless drivel-talk with people without gazing into their twisted faces or hearing their cracked voices had left a long time ago. I found fewer people were using MSN, and because of that, I was using it less.

Not long after the emergence of MySpace, another social networking site appeared from obscurity, and it was called Facebook. I remember why I joined Facebook, a girl told me to. Early on, it was just a few people on there that I knew, and I largely ignored it (logging on infrequently to check my messages). After a few months, that pattern appeared again, the few number of people I knew on Facebook became several, became many, became all. Facebook’s power is in its ubiquity. Now I can stay in loose contact with nearly everyone I know, and easily stalk the ones I don’t. There were only a few of the girls from high school on ICQ, but Facebook has all of the girls from university.

Months ago, I realized I had come to only ever use MSN (it was renamed Microsoft Live Messenger some time ago, I never stopped calling it MSN) to have drunk talks with one young woman, but I didn’t think much of my decline in usage. Then I started trying to pick up yet another woman, and my usage surged, but as the hope of that pursuit faded, I began to realize something: I hate instant messaging. It’s like talking to people without really talking to them, it’s communicating without any emotional connection. I’d argue that even emails and Facebook messages have more of an emotional presence, perhaps through the added time and effort people put into writing them, I don’t know. Even at the end, the ability to talk to women was what had kept me using instant messaging, but with a growing distaste for the sheer waste of time that it was, even their power waned. It was fun when it was new, and it was important when all my friends used it, but by the end, just a few weeks ago, it ceased to be anything but a time sink. I uninstalled MSN.

The internet has always been a butcher shop for the English language, but it seems to be getting worse. The problem is that while misspellings, misuse, bad grammar, and intentional, ironic bad grammar, were once relegated to sites I stayed away from, it’s now seeping into the sites I actually visit.

YouTube is massively popular, everyone seems to use it, it’s inescapable and I can’t help visiting it as much as everybody else. Comments are minimally moderated though, and this means that where I used to have only a small intake of “lol” and “!!!,” in my daily life, I now have an overwhelming dose.

The stupidity seems to be leaking; it’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to read my favourite forums without becoming annoyed into distraction by obnoxious catchphrases. I’m not sure if there are any more catchphrases than there used to be, just that the latest generation is a lot more grating.

Where previously, catchphrases were several words long, internet memes seem to have become shorter over the years, so that now single words are the catchphrases. The internet has ruined for me the words “win,” “fail,” and “epic.” These three simple, common, useful words now make me shudder when I hear or read them.

That new movie is not “win,” nor is it “made of win,” and it is especially not “made of win and awesome.” Your anti-Scientology protest might have been great, even incredible, but was it actually “epic”? That new game may not be very good, but it is not “fail,” or even “epic fail.” The first time these words were ever used in this fashion might have been entertaining, but now I wonder if anyone using them even realizes that they’re doing so improperly.

It’s not just the grammar and overuse that are problems, but that the people using the words seem to think in binary, where movies, video games, and just about anything else can be described as being only the greatest or the worst thing “evar.” Nothing is decent or okay.

Almost as grating are the cat image macros, or “lolcats,” which are pictures of animals, usually cats, doing something “cute,” with some kind of text scrawled across the image. This text either conveys what the animal is supposedly thinking, or describing its action, both in saccharin-sweet baby talk.

If I wanted to roll my eyes at the way people talk to their pets, I’d leave my house, not spend all night in front of my computer. The internet is a cold, dangerous place, and posting images used to be for the purpose of disgusting fellow message board readers. Bring back gaping anuses; I’m sick of seeing your cat.

The only positive in the latest generation of internet trends is surely Rick Astley. Mr. Astley, and his 1980s masterwork “Never Gonna Give You Up,” have been endeared to me thanks to the “rickroll” phenomenon. I’ve never actually been “rickroll’d,” which means to trick someone into seeing the “Never Gonna Give You Up” music video (for those of you who don’t know, and if that’s you, what’s wrong with you?), but I sure have rocked out to that song many times (including right now, as I write this). My contribution to the 5 million+ views of the YouTube video have been voluntary and without remorse.

I think what separates “Never Gonna Give You Up” from win/fail/epic, and cat macros is that Astley’s use of the English language is not an attempt to revert to grammatically broken baby-talk. Where once, in an internet long ago, “all your base are belong to us” made fun of bad English, now the trend in catchphrases is to embrace it.

This site has an odd way of being fucked by its hosts, our dealings with Angelfire, for example, have passed into legend. Still, the means by which we have been fucked, and the degree to which we have been fucked by our last host, Page-Zone.com, are astonishing. I have asked my old host-reviewing friends back to help me out with this article. Enya, Jewel, and Maren Ord will be reading some comments made by other Page-Zone users, with their own expletives added in for clarification.

Page-Zone’s business habits are a fascinating mix of “mom and pop” small time web hosting and complete and utter disregard for their customers. Many of my support tickets, especially those threatening to leave their company unless my website was restored, were never answered. My one attempt at physically calling their office line ended when I reached an answering machine with a recording completely devoid of anything indicating a business line. Warnings and explanations for technical problems seem only to occur when the issues are small and quickly handled. Servers going and staying down for days are addressed only long after they are dealt with. At one point, Page-Zone’s front page, along with all customer support was barely functional for several days before it all went down and stayed down for several additional days.

brywool says: “What’s with [those motherfuckers in] SUPPORT???? This [cock of a] problem still has not been solved or even acknowledged other than here in this forum and then NOTHING.

I would like, for a moment, to speculate how it is that Page-Zone managed to keep Shufflingdead down so frequently.

1) Jim, the operator of the business, is not actually a human male, but instead a rudimentary artificial intelligence based on “tech support” stereotypes. His anger at us mere mortals is unimaginable, for we are the vaguely computer literate, whereas he is the semi computer literate. Jim’s program limitations prevent him from responding with any emotion or politeness, and if you complain about his business’ services in a private message through his message board, your forums account there will likely disappear mysteriously.

2) The tech support staff are AI spawned from Jim’s AI, who resemble him in their demeanor precisely, and who will always ignore your threats to take your business elsewhere.

3) Page-Zone doesn’t host websites on servers as they are classically understood, but rather by continuously shining flashlights through fiber optic cables which occasionally transmit data vaguely resembling hypertext markup language.

4) Page-Zone does actually host websites on regular servers, but rather than leaving them connected, prefers to disconnect them and play with their parts on a nightly basis to “see how they work.”

5) Page-Zone staff is invited to bring their spouses to work so that they may engage in animalistic orgies, resulting in trampled servers covered in bodily fluids. This environment of total unprofessionalism permeates every moment of office life at Page-Zone, and work is only done once all staff is adequately fellated and drunk.

dwhuff says: “I have [goddamn, motherfucking, shit eating, cock biting, anal stretching, cum swapping, zombie raping, rectal probing, ocular penetrating, nasal copulating, glamour boxing, paraphilic infantilizing, fur suit wearing, robot fetishizing, inflatophilia popping, foreskin tearing, golden showering, Gorean role playing, lactating, donkey punching, labia minora dangling] hosting problems, my websites are down, and Page Zone is the problem and they are not fixing it.”

Whatever the actually reason for Page-Zone’s incompetence, one thing is clear. Their total disregard for their customers indicates that they are more interested in infuriating the denizens of the internet than actually serving them, and the earning of money is of no consequence to their free-wheeling hosting cartel. I give Page-Zone Web Hosting one skull out of five.

Part 1: Entertainment, Arts and Media

Pandora

First Impression: Excellent, the site hasn’t changed it’s layout, which is to say I can actually navigate it. Not only that, but they seem to have forgotten that I used up my free time (or, more likely, I have a different IP address now) and I can listen to music for free again.

In Conclusion: This site is actually worthwhile, so far so good Time.

The 9

First Impression: Uhh, apparently this is like some kind of streaming tv show. Oh boy, she’s talking about Snakes on a Plane.

In Conclusion: This is apparently an internet-tv show created by Yahoo, and I basically have no interest in it. I noticed one of the stories covered on the site was the rising fame of YouTube video blogger geriatric1927, more on him later.

Drawn!

First Impression: Took a long fucking time to load, could just be the stress of being on Time’s list.

In Conclusion: This site actually looks pretty good. It’s really a news site for artists and fans of art. I should note that it is not a goddamn blog though. Just because it’s updated in a similar fashion as a blog and calls itself a blog does not mean it’s a blog. Note to self: stop using the word blog.

Sundance Splinks

First Impression: Typical corporate flash based website. I’m still trying to determine where the content is.

In Conclusion: I was right, this is nothing but a bunch of links compiled on what should have been a simple html based website, but wasn’t because it was designed by a “professional.”

Photo Muse

First Impression: Slow to load a plain splash page. I hate splash pages.

In Conclusion: This site is difficult as hell to navigate. Why these art sites always insist on splash pages between every piece of useful content is beyond my comprehension. It’s a good concept with terrible execution.

Jumpcut

First Impression: This looks like a corporate ripoff of YouTube.

In Conclusion: I’m not nearly the dedicated journalist I would need to be to actually try this site’s editing services. What I can tell you is that it looks like a YouTube ripoff, and that the highlight is watching the original trailer for “Revenge of the Nerds.”

Wolfgang’s Vault

First Impression: They’re playing Neil Diamond.

In Conclusion: I have an idea, check out the hundreds of streaming internet radio stations made available through Winamp and never go to this site.

Podcast Pickle

First Impression: Slow to load, green, filled with poorly stretched images.

In Conclusion: I don’t have time to listen to this shit. Dear internet, get a life.

YouTube

First Impression: I’m still logged in from when I visited the site immediately before writing this.

In Conclusion: Fuck you YouTube, seriously, fuck you. You take up all my time with the most useless content. I don’t know why I need to watch all of FilthyWhore’s and Emmalina’s video blogs, I just do. Speaking of which, Emmalina’s videos seem to have disappeared, how will I survive without her wonderful waggling ass? And, oh look, geriatric1927′s videos are still some of the most viewed. Well guess what, I was viewing his videos when he still only had a few hundred hits, I am a ground floor witness to the rise of another internet celebrity.

Drew Curtis’ FARK.com
Fark is unique in that it’s community and content are intricately connected. The way the site works is so-called “Farkers” wander the internet and whenever they find an entertaining or newsworthy link they send it to Drew Curtis. Drew Curtis then randomly selects a few of these links and posts them on his site throughout the day. Other “Farkers” are then able to discuss the link. The people of Fark do a lot of Photoshopping, a lot of bad Photoshopping. Bad as in “I will copy and paste this picture of Admiral Ackbar onto a picture of a trap door. I will then add a speech balloon and have Ackbar saying “It’s a trap!”" Holy shit, I bet you didn’t see that one coming! From what I can tell Drew Curtis thinks “Duke sucks” whoever the fuck Duke is, and is convinced that France surrenders approximately ninety-thousand times a day.

Fark is at least useful at times, despite its community of agonizing mind blowing death. I give it a two.

This is what the internet would look like if it was real life.

Something Awful
The main page of Something Awful is dull as hell. Occasionally a single article will rise up and pass into legend though. If a man can bare to wade through the years of reviews of movies he’s never heard of, games he’s never heard of and music he’s never heard of he will find wonderful bright-spots of pure comedy. Or as they say at Something Awful, “comedy gold.” The Something Awful forums are the last bastion of sanity on earth. They protect within their hallowed halls every human being with internet access capable of human interaction. These days these forums cost ten dollars to join. No matter what your friends tell you it’s not worth the cost. I don’t care what they say, I don’t care what I say. Unless you were right there on the ground floor and got in for free like all us cool kids, then you’re not allowed in the fort!

What others are saying: Anyone belonging to Fark’s community will instantly remark “Something Awful sure is something awful” the instant SA is brought up.

I give Something Awful a three.

retroCRUSH/X-Entertainment
I have no idea if these sites are popular, or even if they have communities of any sort. They seemed to be linked to by quite a few sites so I can only assume that they’re at least somewhat liked. I looked at each long enough to realize that they are the same site and then left. They both appear to be dedicated to mocking that wacky decade the 80′s. “Guaranteed funny stuff 100% LOL factor approved” I am sure.

There’s two of them, so combined they earn a two.

Newgrounds.com
Since my introduction to the internet I have occasionally been duped into visiting Newgrounds. Every time this happens I end up spending my entire day watching shitty flash toons there. This is why I refuse to link to the site for you now. Newgrounds is like television, there’s a fuck load of ads, there’s no decent content and it’s just so easy to waste away in front of it. I dared look at this site today long enough to find a link to some kind of forum. The list of topics frightened me so greatly that I left without checking any of them. There appeared to be a hell of a lot of them though.

Newgrounds irritates me beyond all compare, I give it a one.

Stile Project
I refuse to link to Stile Project. This is because every site on the whole of the internet that has ever linked to this site has been sucked in by Stile’s swirling vortex of money. Before you know it I’d have a link to Stile in between every goddamn word just so he’d link back here. Then I’d rip off my clothes hoping desperately he’d pay me to start posing for his cam portal. Then I’d implement pop-up ads for Stile all over this site all for cold hard cash. Eventually I might become worthy of climbing under Stile’s infinitely huge desk with all the other webmasters where I could eternally suck his massive cock. I have no idea what Stile’s community is like. I guarantee you it’s huge though, and probably involves a lot of scat porn and anal stretching.

I hate Stile, I hate his project. I give Stile Project a zero.

There is one thing to watch out for while joining one of these sites. No matter how much their owners pretend that they’re just running little sites and are barely getting by, they are fucking loaded. Don’t fall for any of the “well I might as well give these guys money as I am using their bandwidth” insanity that seems to consume so many of the denizens of these places. In any case, I wish you all the best in allowing your soul to be consumed by the internet.

Lisa Loeb. Try to look like this, but with more cleavage.

Every popular blog starts out with one thing; the most atrociously confusing layout any human can devise. I suggest having your website open with a splash page, one which is entirely black, with a single pixel being a link to a secondary splash page. On this secondary splash page you should create a great mosaic of artsy black and white pictures of your face, one of which is actually a link to your third splash page. On this page you should give some kind of warning regarding the adult content one in ten-thousand people might accidentally encounter while attempting to navigate your site, make sure to make the warning a little sassy sounding too. Something like “Hey fuckers this is BigTittiesGamerGurrrrlz.com, we have lots of OFFENSIVE content and lots of PORN and NUDITY and TITS. If you’re not EXTREME enough for that, fuck off!!” If you feel like it, include a link to a page on your site which actually contains some content along with this warning, it’s really not that important though.

As far as actual content goes, your site needs just a few things:
1. A cam portal where you and all your camwhore friends can show off cleavage. You don’t need to be female to have a popular blog, but if you’re a guy try to squish up some man-cleavage and always refer to yourself as female.
2. A little box containing your LiveJournal.
3. A massive list of links to every single website you’ve ever visited. Title this list of links as something like “Cool shit” “Daily reads” or “My Hommie Gurrrlz.”

Your fan boys will buy you this movie a thousand times over.

It is at this point that you should put off updating your website for about half a year. Leaving a blank LiveJournal just makes people more eager to return to your site and check if it’s finally been updated. Your cam picture can stay the same as well, it doesn’t matter to guys if it’s ever changed, in their heads it’s a live feed of you rolling around stroking your breasts and fingering yourself. The women of the internet, all of which are bi-curious, by the way, will still remark “Wow! She’s cute!” every time they see your picture.

Now that your website is built, it’s time to start getting people to visit. First, find every single cam portal you can possibly track down. The closer they resemble a police line-up of underage prostitutes, the better. Join absolutely every one of them. Then sign up for every forum you can possibly track down and join those as well. Make sure to make your avatar on these forums a picture of you biting your lip, and your signature a massive picture of your cleavage which links to your site. Make fourty posts a day on each of these forums. Don’t worry at all about what’s actually being discussed, just pop-up and remind everybody of what a sassy girl you are.

Instantly traffic will pour into your site. There will be people hounding you constantly to flash them on your web cam. After about half a year you will have amassed an unbelievable following of rabid fanboys as well as quite a few female stalkers all “just diiiiiiiieing” to join your cam portal. Give the people just a taste of what they want. Try showing just a little more cleavage on your web cam, detail the events of your latest “lady cycle” on your LiveJournal and add a couple of your hottest stalkers to your cam portal.

Keep this going until you get sick of having to pay for bandwidth. Then complain on your LiveJournal about your site draining you of much needed Lisa Loeb glasses money and make available a way of people to send you money. Throw up an amazon.com wishlist containing every nerdy, sub-culture and cult movie related object you could ever want as well. Your fan base will suddenly throw at you every tiny piece of cash they can scrape together and will instantly buy everything for you on your wishlist. Throw a few “*huggles* <3<3<3" to the crowd in thanks and prepare to milk them for all they're worth for as long as you stay young, hot, and sassy.

Greetings Tiffany! Let’s get right into this. What do you think of top hats and the men who wear them? Would it help if the guy who wins this auction wore a top hat to the date?

Um I think top hats are ugly & guys who wear them are way to retro for me. I that guy that one this auction wore a top hat, i’d be like what the hell are you wearing & laugh unless he was serious

What made you think of auctioning off a date with yourself as a way to raise much needed funds?

well my friend orignally put it on as a joke but I was liek whatever it’ll be an adventure, something to tell my kids when i get old & ugly

You’ve said that this date is not for sexual purposes. Now let’s say a dashing young man wins this little bid war and it all goes swimmingly well. Is it conceivable that things could turn sexual?

Artists rendition of the girl being interviewed. The real picture has been lost to the sands of time.

hmmm maybe, i would just go fuck anyone, i’b have to like this person alot for anything to happen

I just got back from seeing Return of the King yet again and it gets better every time! What do you think of Lord of the Rings?

I love lord of the rings I’ve seent he first 2 & i still have to go see the 3rd one. I love the fantasy adventure movies

Would you ever be interested in making a movie yourself?

hahah who says i haven’t

I think it’s kind of racist to call your home town Red Deer. I feel for all the deer of other colours. Your comments on this important issue?

Don’t be dumb its a name & names are meaningless

How do you expect your upcoming eBay purchased date will go?

I’m hoping it will go well but knowing my luck it’ll probably suck ass

Plan on pulling any surprises during the event?

hahah maybe

I most graciously thank you for your time Ms. Tiffany, may all your nickels be made of nickel and your eBay dates wonderful.

Shortly after this interview was conducted, the eBay auction being discussed was taken down. I guess the people at eBay are against Shufflingdead corespondent DMUSER ever getting laid, and felt the need to deprive him of this glorious opportunity for a date.

2day i wuz on the comp in my room and i wuz lik “hey.. theres porn on tha intarnet isnt there?!?!” so i went to yahoo.com and searched for tits cuz i wuz pretty sure that wuld find porn and sure enuff there was like millions of sites and i started goin to allll of em. man tits r grrreeaaat!! the chicks r so slutty on tha interbnet. some of tha sites suck cuz they gots lots of nasty stuf on them and those retarded pop up ads that r soo gay. newayz b4 i new it i had a huge fuckin boner. so of course i whipped it out and started goin at it rite their in front of the comp im really goin at it cuz man those chicks r hot. i espehully like it when there like suckin on sum guyz cock or getin fucked by some guy cuz then you getta see some cock to an thas kewl. im not gay or nething cuz thats gross but everythin iz always better when theyres cock in it!! so out of friggin no where my mom comes in and is like “o shit son wtf?!” and was like “o shit mom wtf r u doin???!!!” then she looked at my dick and sorta smiled a little which i thot wuz wierd but then she wuz like… just do ur pants up and come eat lunch. l8r that day my mom wuz watchin some tv in her room and i swear i heard her make some funny moaning sounds an whisper my name but i think it wuz cuz she was grossed out by what i did that she couldnt get it out off her head.

i no i havent updated this lj in like 4ever.. but i been busy man! lets see wut else is new…
well i have a new fav game for my xbox! its called nfl street an its awesome!! man that shits wicked cool and shit. tha players look so tuff and im like ya man thats wut i look like when im playin, this soooo kewl.

skewl suckz but man thats not new lol.

a lil while ago i tried too pick a fight wit roland black that fuckd up tha only chance i wuz ever gonna have wit a girl and man i kicked his ass!!! i waited for him after skewl 1 day and i punched him in the face and he wuz like “oh shit wtf huhuh” and i was lolin all over the place. he got up and hit my like 10 times and gave me a black eye and a bleedin nose and i couldnt eat solid foods for a week and stuff.. but man i hurt tha guy good with my punch. what a fag that guy. lol

speakin of tha ladies (lol) i have actually started talkin to a few of them again. sometimes the christina girl in math 20 asks to borow my pencil. i always lol when she asks to cuz i know she secretly means she wants to borrow my cock rofl

speakin of ppl getin caught for shit… kirsten wuz in her room with this wierd goth girl friend of hers and i went in cuz i wuz lookin for tha cat and they were makin out on the bed! holy fuck wtf. i wanted 2 tell my parents cuz it was so fucked up, but kirsten said she knew what i did with my last gf and said shed tell mom and dad. so of cours i didnt say nething after that cuz HOLY SHIT WUT IF THEY FOUND OUT!@! that nite tho when they had left i went in kirstens room and found this funny big purple plastic thing under the bed that i had never seen b4.. it smelled kinda funny and i asumed it wuz a cat toy or sommin and jus put it back.

OH HOLY FGUCK!! I JUZ REALIZED SOMETHIN!!! OH FUCK. OH SHIT FUCK AAGAGHRGA. when i wuz lookin at tha porn tuday i saw sum chicks playin with big dildos that looked just like tha cat toy, they were stickin in each other an stuff. cum to think of it, the thing kirsten had kinda looked like a cock too.. OH SHIT MY 14 Y/O SISTER HAS A BIG FUCKIN DILDO! oh shit i musta been in denyal or somethin howd i not see it before?? shes at tha mall right now, im gonna go look for it right now.

okay okay okay okay. jus looked and found the dildo in her desk drawer and it smells even crazier now! but kinda.. nice yeah like it smells like my ol g/f. oh fuck thats sick man i think im in luv with my sister oh fuck oh fuck agsagjj. help guys this is serious. i dunno what to do, my sister is 14 and shes got a dildo thats seriously the size of my arm! + i think im in luv wit her.

The Rageaholic

The rage within a rageaholic will be set off the instant anyone says anything on a forum whatsoever. As soon as the rage is unleashed, the rageaholic will make war upon all members of a forum until they all crack and submit to his iron will. The rageaholic is driven by pure rage towards all humanity and his quest shall not be complete until all bow down before his ever present rage. Until everyone recognizes that the rageaholic is the only one intelligent enough to post he shall not be satisfied.

The Supreme Anti-Nerd Troll

The Supreme Anti-Nerd Troll’s purpose is to take several hours every day from his busy and important life to teach the members of an internet community just what terrible people they are. With all of the softball the Troll plays and all the women he bangs, he knows how to have a good time and would just like to inform the members of a forum that they are wasting their lives. I enjoy the antics of the Anti-Nerd Troll because without him I would never have realized that I really ought to get laid.

The Power Tripping Admin

With all of these hooligans running around, eventually some action is going to have to be taken. This is where the Power Tripping Admin comes in. The Admin is the one crazy enough to be paying for the website or anyone who sucked off the guy paying for the website and was therefore given a place of power on the forums. The Admin will come down upon all aggressors with an iron fist, crushing all those trying to destroy the beautiful kingdom which he has created. He will take his job way too seriously, and make long winded speeches to the masses where he will preach the glory of the forums, and explain the complex plans he has for using his forums for one day taking over the world.

The Lurker

Lurkers are a hard group to describe because they don’t post. Lurkers simply read posts, they fear human interaction even on the internet, and shy away from humanity in general. A forum lurker can occasionally be coaxed out if a particularly great posting situations presents itself and make the utterly greatest posts a forum has ever witnessed.

The Penis-Enhancing Never-Posting Registree

All manner of forums will eventually lure all manner of people to register. Occasionally someone will be pressured into registering for a forum that they’re never actually going to post in. These fellers are never to be removed from a forums database of users because that would diminish the size of the forum-rulers E-cock. Cock size for those of us with websites is determined in large part by the number of people we can lure into joining our forums. It doesn’t matter how cluttered a forums’ member list becomes, it’s always better to have a lot of people registered for the sake of a larger number of people registered.

The Forum Cheerleader

Forum Cheerleaders are the greatest invention forums have ever witnessed. They spend their lives posting away, creating discussion on every topic imaginable, enlightening and igniting every urge in me to converse on all matters in the known universe. Not only that, but they are an exclusively female group! They therefore cause a forum to fill with posts and become large, and they cause my penis to fill with blood and become erect. Since most forum members are male, the introduction of Forum Cheerleaders will automatically make able the discussion of all male-female relations and thus ignite all holy debate on all matters sexual. Forum Cheerleaders love the cock.

If you match any of these descriptions, post on my forums. If you don’t match any of these descriptions, post on my forums. If you have any thought in your head or any purpose in living, POST ON MY FORUMS.

well sinse Ive decided to keep a lj now, i shuld start out with a nice big entry to impress everybody!!

i wanted to talk about…. what do ppl usually talk about in this things???! i guess i could describe myself a little lol. i’m a 16y/o male living in canada. i live with both my parents, theyre okay i guess lol, but my allowance is only 20$ a week + whatever money i need for essentials… clothes and cds and concerts and movies and video games and stuff. sometimes they wont buy me all the cd’s i want tho and i get rly mad cuz like… cmon, i need the music man! lol! I also live as well as my three evil bitchy sisters, whos names are Brenda (pronounced keerstun) whos 22, Janikova (17), and Kirsten (14) and also my kitty named Billy, who’s soooo cute omg.my sisters are ok i guesss. brenda is really kewl and fun to hang out with but she always seems to have so many bf’s that its hard to keep track, 1time when i wuz 15 i walked in on her sucking off this tom guy and it was rly weeeeeeeeird. i mean, wtf i was like o shit ur my sister thats gross! and then i looked at toms big hard dick and i started to feel kinda funny, but kinda ina good way you kno??, it wuz weird!

ne wayz…. janikova is so awful i h8 her. shes the favorite and she always gets more stuff than me! its not fair! i hate her she such a fucking bitch!! and shes so manipulative and shit… like wtf. kirsten is okay i guess, shes sorta goth and likes to do lots o wierd stuff and sometimes its scaryy! but ya its ok cuz she usually keeps to herself, doesn’t have many friends over and usually just stays in her room, thats when shes not at the mall, shes at the mall alot. i dunno whats so great about the mall all the time, espeshully sinse she has no friends to go with lol.

And got so far

im a pretty lonely guy, i never seem to have gf. ive only ever had 1, she was rly scary, we fucked lots, which wuz kewl (sex is fun guys) but she always wanted to do more stuff, like one time she begged me for like a month to piss in her mouth. i finally did and it freaked me out so bad that i broke up with her a couple weeks later. after she had gotten me to do it a couple more times and had sotra done it to me once. i say sorta cuz i couldnt take it after a couple seconds it tasted gross!! but yeah… ihavent had girlfreind in……. six months! fuck it sux. i see all these girls and all i wanna do is take them behind a building and put my cock in them but they never wanna.

But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

btw, im in grade ten in a high school here in albera where i live. i have a few friends, mostly guys. we all looooooooove linkin park cuz theyre songs are so like our lives. like my fav, “in the end” which always makes me cry omg, it reminds me how tuff life is ya know? i do ok in school, i could do better but i have more important things to worry about like my cat and linkin park and my xbox… o ya! i almost forgot to mention my xbox! man i love that thing, its so big.. and black and shiny and sometimes it remin… err i mean its kick ass and has allll the best games! lol gaycube is for fagsss lol. my fav game rite now is madden 2004, its so awesome. me and my friends play it all the time!

anywayz, thats me in a nutshell (lol) i hope i can write in my lj all the time. im gonna show it to all my friends, and probably try to find some more people on here who can be my lj friends cuz i need some of those to.

ciao

My first victim is a girl who goes by the name “Amelie” and runs Amelie est Bonne over at Blogspot. I got the chance to “sit down” with Amelie when I emailed her a bunch of questions and she actually responded. My questions are the things in bold.

Let’s start off with the most important question. What do you think of the game of world domination, RISK?

I personally prefer the game Battleship better, and I love card games. But boys tend to like RISK. I remember my neighbor Russ used to make me play RISK. He also made me play Pong, which was so fun at the time. Until we discovered Pac Man and Centipede…

Now that that’s out of the way, I was hoping we could discuss your site. Why don’t you just go ahead and tell everybody exactly what it is and what you do with it.

It’s a personal journal that I started on a dare from my friend Jeremy. He wanted me to write my lascivious fantasies down so that he could read them. However, I rarely have lascivious fantasies, and wouldn’t put them out there in the ether anyway. The first few entries were of me complaining about my swollen foot. And my Evil Little Sister. She’s a lawyer. We don’t always get along. We are now though, so feel free to change that to “lovely little sister”. I picked a name that I like that is similar to mine, played with my initials a little, and got Amelie La Bonne.

Not the girl I’m interviewing, but hot none the less.

What advice would you give somebody just starting out in the industry?

Depends on what they want. If you want a site that people read, don’t be boring or whiney. That’s hard to do, though, all the time. Sometimes you have to whine. Some things other people find boring. If you don’t write it for yourself, to remind yourself of things that have happened or that you have done, you lose. If you write for other people, you lose. My advice to bloggers when people complain: It’s Your Blog. Tell them to bite you if they don’t like it. The internet is full of sites that they would probably find more intriguing.

However, if you are like me, and like PUBLIC comments and quips, be prepared for people who don’t like your opinions. And that is okay. Get a backbone, for christ’s sake. Plus, it’s FUN when people disagree.

For commenters: I think it sucks when you don’t leave your email or website and you call me names. Fuck You All. You suck ass, and you don’t deserve to have a mouse to click with.

What exactly is it that you like about the film Amelie so much? Is it anything like the reasons I have for liking the movie so much (fills me to the brim with girlish glee, desire to fuck the brains out of Audrey “Amelie” Tautou)?

I like the color red, actually. I was very impressed with the solid wash colors against the urbanity, and the way that it worked to complement the film. I also speak a tad of French. I didn’t want to fuck Audrey, but I did crush a bit. She’s so sweet, how can you not? I also think that it’s nice that people find my site searching for her hair or clothes on google. It’s pretty insane how many people find my blog because of that movie. Thank you, Amelie.

You talk on your site a lot about the recall of governor Gray Davis. Who would you like to see as governor of your state?

Governor Gray Davis. He’s who I voted for in the first place, with the majority of this state’s voters…I think people don’t get what the political “is”. It’s not about “Cleaning House”, it’s about uniting factions. And besides. That’s not what Davis is about. He’s about signing bills, fixing emergencies, and damage control. I think he did a good job during the “energy crisis”, and I think NO ONE could have done anything better in that situation. I think blaming him for those problems AFTER he was elected AFTER the problems occurred is stupid. I also think people in the US have no idea what a surplus is or what it should be used for. However, I wish he’d get an image consultant so he didn’t sound so much like Dana Carvey doing an impression of Gray Davis. That “Terminate the terminator” comment was so embarrassing, I thought it actually WAS a Saturday Night Live skit until I saw it was a newscast…

Are you the kind of boy who would vote for Gary Coleman, or Arnold?

Larry Flynt, the man I would vote for if I were Californian.

What would you do if you were governor?

Oddly, I daydream about this as well as winning the superlotto. Like “what I would do if I were king for a day.”

I would institute a health care policy that covered anyone not covered by employers, and I would require employers to carry health insurance for their 20 hrs or more employees. I would also make sure that people who were sick had a lot of occupational therapy and training so that they could go BACK to work when they felt better, or had adapted workspaces. We lose a lot of smarts to diseases that could not only be prevented through education, but we forget how sick these people really are. Like HIV and Hepatitis C. Really debilitating, totally preventable, and we blame them for draining resources, but make it impossible to accommodate their needs so they can work. Go figure. I also support needle exchange and a loosening of drug laws. I hate the prison system and would revoke the 3 Strikes law. I would also support stronger laws for sex offenders. I’d want them sent to Pelican Bay immediately.

I would be ethically unable to sign bills that cause people harm. Therefore, I would not sign bills that caused more pollution, poisoned people, or created general unrest. So, racists, big corporations spitting poop into the sky, and agribusiness that poisons its migrant workers are SOL.

I would also make LA dependent on desalinization and tidal power. Maybe they would stop shitting in the ocean if they had to drink it.

I would also make it not okay to insult each other on the floor. I’m amazed at how snippy republicans get on the floor of the state legislature, and dems aren’t much nicer (just more realistic). How do you build bipartisanship, or any kind of party frivolity for that matter, if you call people liars all the time? They should just bite the bullet and admit they are all liars and get beer.

You have a link on your site to the complete text of the book “Brave New World” yet not a link to anything related to the book 1984. Would you say your love for the halfling’s leaf has slowed your mind?

Brave New World is fascinating, creepy and slowly happening. 1984 gave me the creeps, is too scary and is happening. It’s like the book of revelations. I keep seeing the prophecy made real. You don’t have that reaction? I am also a fan of fairy tales. I have linked to many online versions. They make me happy.

What are your views regarding the intrusion of refrigerator magnets in our daily lives?

Uh oh. I support this wholeheartedly and may be a contributor to such an intrusion. I make my own courtesy of the Not Martha site and give them away at Christmastime.

I most graciously thank you for your time, may all your popsicles be cold and all your measuring devices straight.

No, THANK YOU. And you are very welcome indeed. I’m currently loving Fla-Vor-Ice in the Hulk Package for $1.50, and I never measure anything…

Many internet people types these days have become too young, cheap and generally don’t care enough to pay for web hosting which is why they turn to free hosts such as Lycos’ Angelfire “service.” Up until last week, that’s where this very website was being hosted. But alas, I was forcibly removed when some lackey discovered a person with a brain, an opinion and some mildly pornographic ads was running the place and shut it down. I will now make a completely unbiased and fair review of Angelfire’s service. As well, some sappy female artists who I may or may not listen to will be giving us their “2 cents.”

Jewel: “I’d rather fuck a dog than use Angelfire”

Angelfire is referred to as a “service” for some unknown reason but everybody knows Lycos isn’t doing anybody a favor here, they’re out to make money. The annoying pop-ups that used to be on this site supposedly would make them money (even if internet ads don’t make anybody money) they were making money off of me somehow. Now, when they find a site such as mine which is clearly run by a terrorist they shut it down without providing any warning or the ability to rescue the contents of the site. They reserve the right to do this because anyone, obviously, who loses an Angelfire account is likely to be stupid enough to not back up their site and will promptly throw themselves off of an apartment building when they find out their site is gone. Angelfire believes they’re doing everyone a favor by killing off all those “terrorists.” Unfortunately for them, most of their clientele is 13 years olds who never update, therefore Angelfire hasn’t killed anyone, yet.

Enya: “If Angelfire were a dildo I wouldn’t let my pet sloth use it”

As I just mentioned, much of Angelfire’s users are young and posses minimal control of the English language, I will now prove this point for some unknown reason:

Sal ~ Dude, same words as what I said to Tenchi. Don’t stereotype people though!

Jimmah ~ You’re a lier and a bastard. I can’t believe I ever found an interest in speaking towards you. You do not have Asian pride, and your rhymes suck. Go to your damn Carolina Forest school, but remember, my football team is undefeated, we’ve everything on your ass. Piss off!

Cameron ~ Dewd! What’s up Boi?! What the bloody hell are you up to? I hope you’re aiight, stay kewl!

I will spare you from having to read any more examples.

Now that I am free of Angelfire’s grip I will attempt to reveal a few of their secrets. Before I continue, I would like to point out that I am doing so despite the fact I am still in grave danger. Angelfire employs IB lynch mob members as elite operatives, trained in the dark ways who’s task it is to stop this information from ever getting out. Angelfire uses underage children in third world countries to do all of their programming tasks. The children are forced to recite from the holy C++ text book for 8 hours and program the other 12 hours of their work day. All of the Lycos network is hosted on X-Boxes. Bill Gates himself provided the five X-Boxes required to host every Angelfire and Tripod site, the Lycos search engine as well as the Lycos instant messenger service. If that wasn’t clear enough for you, I will say it again, Bill Gates is in league with Lycos. I’ve even heard that Bill Gates and Mr. Lycos enjoy more than just a professional relationship. There are many more secrets I could reveal, however, I feel doing so will result in my death so I shall conclude by saying, I give Angelfire

A little FAQ/Backhistory on MS:

What makes MS a demon company do you ask?


Obviously you’re either computer illiterate, or just illiterate…in either case you shouldn’t be reading/be able to read this site. MS propagates everything that is bad in the world – money, power, and crappy software for high prices. I’ll of course concentrate on the latter of these options of company-bashing that are forever at my fingertips.



How does MS get away with putting out inferior software products?



An easy one. No one buys mac anymore, Linux doesn’t have the software selection of Windows(or the strict user-friendliness), and Windows has insane amounts of money to pump behind their products; meaning that there isn’t actually any real production, they just pump out the same crap, with basic upgrades, for insane prices. (win95 -> win98 -> winME; winNT -> win2k -> winXP)

How did MS become a monopoly in the first place if all of their products suck?


That takes some explaining. First Bill Gates never actually wrote the original DOS. He bought it off of a 3rd party producer(who thought it was useless) and sold it to IBM for the PC. When he broke off with IBM he decided to modify the version of DOS that he had sold to IBM just enough so that they couldn’t sue him for copyright infringement. So he did that and called it MS-DOS. For some odd reason that I haven’t been able to figure out it took off as a great OS… that one still gets me…

Anywho…from there it was on to the production of Windows(which could only be run from the MS-DOS environment). By now a lot of software producers had started to create software for DOS(and Windows), and since there was a lot of software behind it as well as being almost the sole OS for the PC, people bought into it. Then it was only a short step to keep on producing software that really hasn’t advanced a whole hell of a lot from the original windows, but had people hooked because there wasn’t really anything else to use. The only other OS that has been *noticeably* successful at attracting people away from MS is Linux – and thats really only because its open source and MS can’t buy out any of the companies that sell it and add them to itself.

• a digital camera
• web space
• a big box (usually gray) with various objects attached to it; such as a display unit, a rectangular shaped input device and a small round shaped input device
• something old
• something new
• something borrowed
• something blue
• and a silver sixpence in her shoe

Once you’ve got all that you’ll need to learn some “HTML skillz” so you may show the world your comic genius on that l337 Angelfire site of yours. I would teach you HTML right now but I don’t know how to make HTML code display (laziness is a sign of a good webmaster) I’ll let you learn on your own.

It’s time to begin building that site of yours now. To begin with I recommend a visible and memorable background colour, hot pink usually works but if you want you can design a nice rainbow grid pattern for your site instead. The text on your site should contrast with the background so that it is as visible as possible, yellow is a personal favorite. The naming of your site should not be a difficult task. Just take your first and last names, intermingle them, capitalize every other letter and don’t forget to change all the e’s to 3′s.

If there’s one aspect of a site that keeps ‘em coming back it’s the eight hundred word rants about what goes into hot-dogs you just can’t stop writing. Other popular topics I recommend ranting about on your site include:

• Why you believe you are God’s personal messenger
• What a handsome and sexy lad I am
• The sexual fantasies you have about your friends sister
• Counter Strike

Remember when I told you to get a digital camera? Well here’s where that comes in. The average internet user will view thousands of sites exactly like yours and won’t revisit any of them. That’s why you must draw their attention to your content with some amazing pictures of yourself. I know I always bookmark any site containing images of it’s webmaster strewn about in random areas. The pictures should be in very bad taste, show a lot of skin and feature you licking your own nipple.

I know it’s difficult to take the time out of your busy porn viewing schedule, as it was for me, but believe me, becoming the webmaster of your very own ad-filled money making site is well worth the time and effort.

Results: a map of France.

It would seem the French play a large role in destroying my life. Upon closer inspection of the site, teachers are also in on this allegiance. Proof:

“The term paper is to be a minimum of 10 pages long (15 pages for graduate students), not including front and end matter. It can be on any topic within our period, but you must use at least three different book-length sources (graduates must also use journal literature). For term papers I prefer end notes over footnotes.“

If writing a 10 page paper is what it takes to find out why everyone is against me, then that’s what I’ll do! Get ready to do a lot of reading.

www.boisestate.edu is, in fact, a University. Not only that, but it’s in Idaho! If memory serves me correctly, they make potatoes in Idaho, I believe this is of great importance.

Because athletics has always been about annoying me, I will now investigate the Universities athletics department. Their sports teams are called the Broncos. The Broncos is also an NFL football team which plays in Denver. All of this can only mean one thing, my enemy is a potato eating Frenchman playing for the Denver Broncos.

The most French sounding name in the Bronco’s roster belongs to a Leon Lett. I know this because there is a character in Star Fox named Leon and he’s French. Leon Lett:

Height: 6-6
Weight: 290

Whoah! That guy could definitely beat me up. However, it is a scientific fact anyone who has ever played football and survived is too stupid to perform a delicate operation such as destroying my life.

The trail now leads to that sinister Star Fox character, Leon Powalski. Our friend ZF38 at SSBU provides some intriguing insight into the mind of Powalski during a recent interview.

Well that proves, without any doubt whatsoever that the staff at SSBU are my real enemies. After all, anybody who runs a non-sensical web site on a free provider is moronic and should be destroyed. With the exception of ZF38, a 13 year old female will now be persecuted for their stupidity. Justice is blind folks!

So now that I know who my real enemies are I can sleep soundly this morning. I would not be surprised to awaken in the early afternoon to find I am at war. Get ready for the fight of your lives my loyal subjects.