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The Meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything

March 23, 2004 Society No Comments

This website was always called “Newbs’ Knowledge of Life, the Universe and Everything” yet I’ve never explained the meaning of it all. So you really want to know, do you? The grand purpose for which any of us do anything? Okay, here it is. The meaning of life is sex.

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I am Going Through Menopause

February 2, 2004 Society No Comments

I plan on looking exactly like this.

That’s right, a 19 year old male is going through menopause. How, may you ask, is this possible? Well, I’ve been on extensive gene therapy lately in an effort to turn myself female. The idea was, if I was female, I could probably convince myself to have sex with myself. Turns out I found myself too perverted, creepy and puny to fuck so that didn’t work out, and now I’m dealing with all the side effects of menopause as well as the male “mid-life crisis” in rapid succession. I can handle the hot flashes and the viagra but trying to act like a trend-setting 10 year old is tough.

When I was 10, I remember being quite the social outcast. I was relegated to wander the playground in solitude while all the cool kids who could do things like ride bikes, play sports and swim went off and did all that wacky physical stuff. Now, at the ripe old age of 19, I reflect upon my early years and try to figure out just what drove me to refuse to learn how to actually do any of this stuff. I believe at the time I had a theory that physical activity existed solely to separate intelligent people from the roaming horde of stupidity on earth. I felt that the only reason to gain the ability to do something like ride a bike was so that a person could follow around the cool people. In other words, I planned on succeeding all my peers by using my time to ponder the meaning of life, the universe and everything instead of wasting it on “skating” or “soccer”.

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The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

January 24, 2004 Society No Comments

For writing down my deep thoughts.

In a recent bout of writers block, I decided to seek advice from one of my many female relations and she responded “how/why guys are so weird, their secret little motives and devious insane little plots.” I’m not entirely sure what she really means by this, but I suspect it has something to do with why we always try to take over the world, build huge collections of useless junk or nail two chicks at the same time. In any case, I’ll attempt to unravel all of these mysteries as I explore my inner man. Obviously, I am a perfect male specimen and that for whatever reason I do anything is the same for all guys.

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Childhood Mysteries Solved

January 9, 2004 Society No Comments

As a youngster there were many things that baffled and confused me. If you’re in the business of educating the youth of the nation or looking to raise your kids properly, please read to them this article as I will clarify a few of the mysteries and misconceptions I had as a child.

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Evil~Mart

October 10, 2003 Society No Comments

Some years ago that behemoth of American trailer park culture, Wal~Mart, purchased 122 Woolco stores in Canada and thus began it’s infestation of my nation. Since then it has managed to mercilessly shred many great Canadian retailers, large chains and small independent stores the same. Using its monopoly Wal~Mart has been able to gain the favor of consumers across Canada and squeeze from us the last remnants of our national identity as well as anything which could possibly be construed as money.

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