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Dear Abby, Part 2

I have decided that giving people advice is my true calling. Here is another poor fellow that wrote to Abby in need of GOOD advice.

DEAR ABBY: My wife spends all her spare time with a female friend I’ll call “Cassandra.” Last August they went to Nicaragua for two weeks, at Cassandra’s expense. They are planning a trip to Puerto Rico next month. Again, Cassandra is footing the bill. They spent a week together in Louisville at a church-sponsored activity. They give each other oil massages in our bed and make frequent bets with each other with the massages as the payoff.

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Dear Abby, I’m a Whiny Dumbass!

People are stupid. In the course of a day, you meet many stupid people. Some try to hide their stupidity, yet others (pppsssst, these are the annoying ones) feel the need to show others how dumb they really are with their need for advice on problems that could be easily solved. Some take it to the max with their letters to some woman named “Abby” who gives advice that’s only good for hobos, cuz well, what more have they got to lose? In order to reveal to the world the stupidity in all advice given by Abby, I shall offer my kickass advice to those poor souls. Feel free to take my advice, as I am awesome.

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Nerd World Order

August 21, 2004 Society No Comments

Miyamoto, trend whore.

I am a nerd. I’ve been a nerd as far back as I can remember. As a child I was bullied at school, I had no friends and spent all my time watching TV and playing with my Lego. Eventually I got into gaming, around the time of the Super Nintendo, I also eventually ended up with some friends. When we were younger my friends and I would play video games, Magic, RISK and Dungeons & Dragons. As young adults, we do all of these things, we do all of these things a hell of a lot. Some things have changed though, we inevitably include alcohol while engaging in these pastimes. We also know a lot more people now, we go out, occasionally have girlfriends, go to bars, “party down,” that sort of thing. I’ve never worn a lampshade on my head, but I think I’m doing pretty good for myself.

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So you really want a burger do you?

August 4, 2004 Society No Comments

Got the munchies? Want to get that perfect…something to eat? Think of getting a burger. Now I don’t mean just any burger.

I mean the perfect burger. The epitome of dead cow on a whole wheat bun. If you happen to be on the Atkins diet, why even bother cooking the cow? Just go out into a field and naw on one of those fuckers all night long. You won’t be eating those nasty carbs, and you’ll have all the meat you can eat until it goes rancid and is so full of bacteria you’re growing new lifeforms within its anus.

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The Delicate Art of Shutting the Fuck Up

June 29, 2004 Society No Comments

Q: What do you think is the most irritating thing people do?
A: Speak.


Blah blah blah

How about this weather? In an average day, a normal human being will be forced to associate with a vast array of fellow humans. This could be nothing more than a couple people who share your office, to several hundred family members at a holiday function. Now, it is guaranteed every single one of these people is miserable. Either their wife is cheating on them, or they’re having a mid-life crisis, or their kids are all in jail. Not a single one of them will tell you any of this of course, no, they’d rather talk about the goddamn weather. They’d rather explain to you in excruciating detail the precise amount of snow that fell on their house last night, or the lovely walk they took because of the wonderful sunshine.

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