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Take a Ride on the Magic School bus!

December 15, 2001 Society No Comments

As some of my more stalker-like readers may know, I take the bus to school. Not one of those gimpy yellow buses but a county bus designated for taking adolescents to school. Bet you didn’t know that Mr. “Newbs is exactly 5 feet 7.5438 inches tall.” I have descended from the heavens to compile a list of the characters you will likely encounter taking my bus:

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How to Make People Hate You Part II: Females

November 17, 2001 Society No Comments

Well here it is, after exhaustive research of the female mind, I can finally tell all of you just how to make a young lady not just dislike you, but actually hate you. Every time you say “hi” to her, she’ll respond with a “hello creepy” at best.. err.. worst, you know what I mean. I think it’s supposed to be in three parts. I’m not sure why this article even goes in this section.

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Am I… gulp… Normal?

October 27, 2001 Society No Comments

Well well well, I now understand why all the “cool kids” have orgies for parties. You see, I recently attended a party that slowly degenerated into one. I know, all you fellow creepy bastards want to know just how to do it, right? I’ll tell you!

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Enigma

October 20, 2001 Society No Comments

Hey! Is your life boring? Are you shy and quiet? Do your friends bully and make fun of you relentlessly because you never stand up for yourself? Then what you need is a persona! Invent a bunch of quirky attributes for yourself, that way people will listen to you and, if your lucky, stop hitting you. If you don’t have anything to say, make fun of yourself for being a pervert. That’s right, if your life is so boring you never have anything interesting to say, insult yourself! I know what you’re saying, “but what if I end up looking like some kinda creepy deranged pervert?” well, that’s even better. After all, isn’t everybody an attention whore deep down inside, looking for people to laugh at all your dumb jokes? Well, I’ve compiled a very special checklist of all the things you’ll need to stop being beet up, to become less shy and introverted and to have a lot of fun while you’re doing it.

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Looking for a Good Time?

September 23, 2001 Society No Comments

I know you are! I bet you’re wondering how to have fun since it is quite obvious you don’t know how. Chances are, making out with your girlfriend in a poorly lit room or getting drunk/high is how you define “fun”. Well I’ve got news for you, fun is actually nothing like those things.

Fun is going to your local shopping centre with a few friends, and buying $8 Halloween hats. The purchased hats may include several features; funky colours, jingle bells, and anything else that would get you called a “fag”. These magical caps grant you powers of extroverts and daring. There is a code of conduct for wearing such hats, here’s that:

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