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Lyrical Analysis: The Pussycat Dolls

People confuse me; their behaviours overwhelm my comprehension every moment of every day. This is all particularly true for women. One of the premier ways of trying to comprehend people is by listening to what they say and then trying to analyze it for some shred of meaning. By analyzing the lyrics of the all female pop group “The Pussycat Dolls,” I hope to gain greater comprehension of these women, all women, and really all of humanity.

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Interview with Micah Kanters

September 10, 2004 Entertainment 4 Comments

Today I would like to welcome our most honored guest, Micah Kanters. For those of you not in the know, that would, in fact, be THE Zoom Zoom kid from the Mazda commercials. None other than the leader of the revolution himself. Let’s get this interview going.

I will admit, Mr. Kanters, I was initially unsure if I could believe it was really you. This site was what convinced me. It would seem you have a sister! Care to comment on the horror that is having a sibling?

Well imagine having someone who knew everything about you, and wouldn’t hesitate to tell your most embarassing moments to people. Only then can you understand my pain. However, just between you and me that perticular problem will soon be taken care of (evil laugh).
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So You Want to Make a Movie

Well I can’t blame you, seems rather glamorous doesn’t it? Seems pretty profitable eh? Here it is then, your complete guide to making a MAJOR BIG HOLLYWOOD and did I mention FABULOUS SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR!

Begin with hiring a washed up comedian for your leading role. Don’t worry about having a script or any of that other useless “planning” stuff. I would estimate a good 99% of your theatrical profits come from having a recognizable face in your movie, so you’re pretty much already guaranteed rich.

The filming process should begin on location in wherever the hell you feel like traveling to. A movie’s budget can be as fucking huge as it wants to be, all the money will be made back the first day of its theatrical release. This amazing location is where your washed up comedian should enter. Maybe he’s a veteran explorer or treasure hunter. He’s found an ancient tribes most treasured artifact and is now on a mad dash back to the good ol’ U.S. of A. where grave robbing is looked upon as a noble sport. This five minutes of footage should cost a good seventy million dollars to produce.

Once you’ve got that shot, you can come back to a sound stage and film all of the family drama that films require. Maybe your main characters grave robbing upsets his incredibly hot but troubled vegan fourteen year old daughter. Be sure to include a heartwarming scene where the father has a “heart to heart” with his daughter where he explains how important the desecration of foreign shrines is. After-all, one of them is bound to house the ultimate weapon needed to defeat the approaching alien horde headed for earth! Juxtapose a serious scene like this with some wackay-komeday like your main character’s ten year old son slipping on vomit and splitting his skull open. At some point your main character should also cheat on his wife with the hottest pop singer you can hire. Try to create a scenario where they almost get caught by his wife, this will be a great opportunity to implement your obligatory use of the song “Under Pressure.”

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What’s with the Hentai?

January 31, 2002 Entertainment No Comments

Come on. We’ve all seen it. Japanese cartoon porn. I’m sure that every geek, nerd, and mad supervillian has a collection of it on their computer. Why do they find it attractive? The answer is this: they can’t get the real thing, and the live-action pictures are too ‘hardcore’ for them.

And yes. I’ve looked at some hentai in my random internet-browsing. It’s pathetic. You can get 10x better at any cheap-o Joe porn site; and yet there are people shelling out $30 a month US to look at some perverted old mans drawings of what he finds to be a turn-on.

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