Well I can’t blame you, seems rather glamorous doesn’t it? Seems pretty profitable eh? Here it is then, your complete guide to making a MAJOR BIG HOLLYWOOD and did I mention FABULOUS SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR!
Begin with hiring a washed up comedian for your leading role. Don’t worry about having a script or any of that other useless “planning” stuff. I would estimate a good 99% of your theatrical profits come from having a recognizable face in your movie, so you’re pretty much already guaranteed rich.
The filming process should begin on location in wherever the hell you feel like traveling to. A movie’s budget can be as fucking huge as it wants to be, all the money will be made back the first day of its theatrical release. This amazing location is where your washed up comedian should enter. Maybe he’s a veteran explorer or treasure hunter. He’s found an ancient tribes most treasured artifact and is now on a mad dash back to the good ol’ U.S. of A. where grave robbing is looked upon as a noble sport. This five minutes of footage should cost a good seventy million dollars to produce.
Once you’ve got that shot, you can come back to a sound stage and film all of the family drama that films require. Maybe your main characters grave robbing upsets his incredibly hot but troubled vegan fourteen year old daughter. Be sure to include a heartwarming scene where the father has a “heart to heart” with his daughter where he explains how important the desecration of foreign shrines is. After-all, one of them is bound to house the ultimate weapon needed to defeat the approaching alien horde headed for earth! Juxtapose a serious scene like this with some wackay-komeday like your main character’s ten year old son slipping on vomit and splitting his skull open. At some point your main character should also cheat on his wife with the hottest pop singer you can hire. Try to create a scenario where they almost get caught by his wife, this will be a great opportunity to implement your obligatory use of the song “Under Pressure.”
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