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Things We Learned From the Viewing of Bitch Slap

Image: Cover art for Bitch Slap. Copyright IM Global.

After watching the movie Bitch Slap we felt that we should share some of the extremely valuable life lessons it teaches.

1. Have big tits? Have boobs at all? You must show them off at all times. Just in case you were unsure before.

2. When in the desert, high-heeled shoes are not actually an impediment. No, not even if you are attempting an illegal salvage of riches, having a naughty water fight with a host of lesbians, or are involved in a frantic kung-fu fight.

3. A naughty water fight featuring a host of lesbians can save any movie. Period.

4. Hot people are apparently fire retardant. In fact, after being set on fire or being the victim of an explosion they will not only escape with zero burns, but they will rise from the ashes with their clothes burned away and their body smudged with soot and glistening with sweat, actually making them appear hotter.

5. All Asians have ridiculous accents and must dress as slutty schoolgirls. And they’re all kinky as hell, and of course, know kung fu.

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Movie Maundering #2 – Kick-Ass

Image: Kick-Ass DVD cover art. Copyright Lionsgate.

Plot

Dave Lizewski is an unnoticed highschool student with an unremarkable life.  Looking at the world around him, he is troubled by the fact that everyone just exists, nobody rocks the boat, goes out of their way to help their fellow man, and the world just coasts along unaltered. Inspired by his comic book heroes, he decides to become a superhero, despite the lack of any training, natural or supernatural ability, or clear goal.

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Movie Maundering #1 – Hackers

Image: Hackers DVD box cover. Copyright Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

Plot

Hackers follows the story of Dade Murphy, a young hacker who, at the age of 11, manages to crash 1507 systems in a single day. Impressive, right? Right. But he gets caught and is court ordered to not operate a touch-tone phone or a computer until his 18th birthday. So we fast forward to his 18th birthday, and Dade has moved to New York City with his mother for her new job. Cue typical teenage angst, some rebellious attitude, and new-kid-in-school highschool activities.

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7 World-Altering Musical Performances by William Shatner

April 22, 2010 Entertainment 3 Comments

Image: William Shatner Has Been cover art. Copyright Shout! Factory.

Bill Shatner has done a lot for the world. His portrayal of Captain James Tiberius Kirk has inspired generations of nerds, giving us indispensable modern day items like cell phones and personal computers. His hammy acting and halted delivery have birthed countless parodies, including Futurama‘s unforgettable Zapp Brannigan. Shatner’s willingness to promote seemingly any company that throws him a few bucks has popularized everything from a travel discount website to All-Bran cereal.

Given all those achievements, it’s easy to underestimate Shatner’s greatest gift to humanity: bringing joy to the world through song. In this article I will take an ear-melting odyssey through Shatner’s 40+ years of musical splendour, counting down the performer’s seven finest masterpieces.

7. William Shatner and Lin Yu Chun cover “Total Eclipse of the Heart”

We begin at the present, with Shatner’s inspired duet with Taiwan’s Susan Boyle, Lin Yu Chun. The two teamed up to perform an Earth-shifting rendition of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” on April 21, 2010’s episode of Lopez Tonight.

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The 2000s in Popular Entertainment

December 24, 2009 Entertainment 5 Comments

We are quickly coming to the end of this abhorrent little decade known occasionally as “the two-thousands” or “the naughties.” As such, I thought I would throw together a series of articles discussing the best and worst of 2000-2009. This week, I bring you the decade in Popular Entertainment, excluding games, which I will cover in their own article. Please note: I have said Popular Entertainment, which means that I realize Harry Potter is not the actual best book of the decade.

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