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The best Bond? Connery, easy. Craig after that. Everybody knows this (although some, for reasons I cannot fathom, play the Devil’s Advocate and claim some other Bond for this title) but what not as many people think about is the music behind the man on top of the woman. The Best Bond song? Hoo-boy. There’s a lot of stinkers there, for sure, but tucked away between those awful melodies? Pure genius. Mozart wishes he had done the music for some of Bond’s movies– and, having listened repeatedly to Duran Duran’s “A View to Kill,” I wish he had had a chance.

→ Continue reading The Best Bond Song

Gilmore girls is an incredibly realistic show. Sure, they talk faster and eat more than is physically possible, and the town of Stars Hollow is an impossible mix of entertaining characters, but Rory and Lorelai Gilmore make perhaps the only realistic choices in mate selection of all females in all of entertainment. Before I continue, I should point out that I have seen only seasons one through five, and while I’m sure season six exhibits much of the same infuriating reality, I cannot comment on it at this time.

Rory, destroyer of men.

→ Continue reading Gilmore girls: An Insight Into the Female Mind

Today I was flipping channels and came across that very well known film “Braveheart.” I had never seen the movie before, or most of it anyways, as I had gotten bored during the main character’s (William Wallace’s) love affair with that random farm girl. Luckily I came in on the movie about the time where I left off before. I guess I can understand how people so widely regard this film as “great,” it’s long, epic, filled with action and grandeur. None of this prevented me from seething with rage and hatred during the entire movie, of course.

Well of course the main character bangs her, she’s hot, isn’t she?

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People confuse me; their behaviours overwhelm my comprehension every moment of every day. This is all particularly true for women. One of the premier ways of trying to comprehend people is by listening to what they say and then trying to analyze it for some shred of meaning. By analyzing the lyrics of the all female pop group “The Pussycat Dolls,” I hope to gain greater comprehension of these women, all women, and really all of humanity.

With a pose like that, how couldn’t they make sense?

→ Continue reading Lyrical Analysis: The Pussycat Dolls

Probably looking for a job.

Well I can’t blame you, seems rather glamorous doesn’t it? Seems pretty profitable eh? Here it is then, your complete guide to making a MAJOR BIG HOLLYWOOD and did I mention FABULOUS SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR!

Begin with hiring a washed up comedian for your leading role. Don’t worry about having a script or any of that other useless “planning” stuff. I would estimate a good 99% of your theatrical profits come from having a recognizable face in your movie, so you’re pretty much already guaranteed rich.

The filming process should begin on location in wherever the hell you feel like traveling to. A movie’s budget can be as fucking huge as it wants to be, all the money will be made back the first day of its theatrical release. This amazing location is where your washed up comedian should enter. Maybe he’s a veteran explorer or treasure hunter. He’s found an ancient tribes most treasured artifact and is now on a mad dash back to the good ol’ U.S. of A. where grave robbing is looked upon as a noble sport. This five minutes of footage should cost a good seventy million dollars to produce.

Once you’ve got that shot, you can come back to a sound stage and film all of the family drama that films require. Maybe your main characters grave robbing upsets his incredibly hot but troubled vegan fourteen year old daughter. Be sure to include a heartwarming scene where the father has a “heart to heart” with his daughter where he explains how important the desecration of foreign shrines is. After-all, one of them is bound to house the ultimate weapon needed to defeat the approaching alien horde headed for earth! Juxtapose a serious scene like this with some wackay-komeday like your main character’s ten year old son slipping on vomit and splitting his skull open. At some point your main character should also cheat on his wife with the hottest pop singer you can hire. Try to create a scenario where they almost get caught by his wife, this will be a great opportunity to implement your obligatory use of the song “Under Pressure.”

→ Continue reading So You Want to Make a Movie

Near the end of every year people all over the planet gather together to celebrate some guy’s birthday. In my part of the world, we gather together near the end of the year to celebrate the release of the newest Lord of the Rings movie. Sadly, this will be the last year we do, as this year the final installment of the trilogy, Return of the King, has been released. Here follows the account of the drunkening, watching Return of the King and the finding of the cock ring of power.