Some are reporting that WikiLeaks.org is now being hosted from a Cold War-era Swedish bunker built into a fucking mountain, but at this point, it has become difficult to tell where the WikiLeaks’ website is actually hosted. Wikipedia says the organization’s site was moved to servers in France following denial of service attacks and a brief stay with Amazon. According to Cenk Uygur of The Young Turks, the site is now being hosted from Thor Data Center in Iceland. It may very well be the case that WikiLeaks’ hosting is spread out among some or all of these locations.

What is more clear is the accuracy of jokes surrounding the bunker story, those being that founder Julian Assange is some kind of Bond villain.

Everything fits. He’s got a funny accent, he looks like an anorexic albino, and governments the world over can’t stand him. More importantly, his reputation is rapidly evolving into legend, with it difficult to discern reality from rumour and smear. He has been dogged by allegations for everything from violation of espionage laws to sex crimes, and his location is often a secret.

That’s not to say that Julian Assange is bad or evil. I’d argue that he’s about the most amusing person alive, his cause is noble, and his views radically just. He’s not out to destroy the free world, he’s out to liberate it from the corrupt forces of institutionalized power that have sought to conceal and manipulate for their own interests.

If Assange is a Bond villain, then he is the real world’s version. Unencumbered by the necessity to sell tickets and toe the nationalistic line, this is the story in which Queen and Country have become the enemies of their own people, and the crazed loner with the the world-destroying doomsday device is on the right side of history.

And what of that doomsday device? Assange doesn’t control any EMP-shooting satellites, nor has he developed a toxin made from orchids. Of course, in this instance, we are talking about information. It is the truth with which Assange has repeatedly captured headlines the world over. WikiLeaks’ activity has become so important that each new major release does not simply warrant “a story,” it warrants updates, follow-ups, and opinion pieces. These leaks chain together and cause subsequent events.

Governments supposedly behaving in the best interests of their people have admitted to the heinousness of their acts simply by protesting these reveals. These are groups threatened by the open revelation of activities which include brutal, unnecessary killings by military personnel and insulting comments made about foreign heads of state. The woeful hypocrisy of the United States government has been unmasked. Thanks to WikiLeaks, the world now knows that a country which feels it necessary to entirely deprive airline passengers of their privacy has repeatedly hidden damning and embarrassing evidence of its own misconduct.

The truth is that Assange’s doomsday device is exactly as dangerous as his detractors claim, but only for them. It is currently rumoured that the list of WikiLeaks’ “victims” will soon grow to include more ugly entrenched power, American corporations. Let us hope that Julian Assange’s lap cat stays healthy, his henchmen numerous, and his lair mysterious. Eventually, an educated public may come to recognize true villainy.

Image: Adapted from Julian Assange by espenmoe under a CC-BY license.

To conclude my look back at the soul crushing 2000s, I will now review American politics for the decade.

I call this the decade of the conservative talking point. Through the use of the talking point, Republicans and conservatives managed to entirely dominate American political discourse this decade, and as a result, rendered reality woefully irrelevant. The ability for conservatives to control the media, as they so overwhelmingly did, allowed them to carry out the most heinous acts and behave at best indifferently, and at worst callously, toward many of the very people who elected them. The decade of the conservative talking point was the decade in which reason, truth, and reality ceased to matter; these things were replaced by emotion, lies, and distortion within the popular consciousness of the American people.

The decade began with the inauguration of George W. Bush, and with his dictatorial administration came an eight year rule from hell in which personal freedoms were rescinded, religiously inspired hate and ignorance became acceptable in the mainstream, a war was blundered, another war was waged needlessly, an American city was allowed to be destroyed, and the destruction of the world’s economy was engineered and overseen.

Bush’s reign as overlord shit-fucker was helped along by snowballing power of the right-wing media. Fox News rose to prominence early on in the administration’s life, and with it came a 24 hour a day propaganda machine which not only promoted the administration through traditional blatant (enthusiastic pro-war support) and subtle (mislabeling shamed Republicans as Democrats) means but through a wholesale manipulation of the discourse of the entire country. Conservatives on Fox News, right-wing radio personalities like Rush Limbaugh and Bush administration officials were able to collaborate on a relentless push against mainstream discourse, shoving it forcefully to the right, and in so doing, shifting the centre radically into their political camp. Suddenly, torture didn’t seem so radical; neither did unjustified war, nor the dismissal of scientific research.

Conservatives were able to eschew reality itself, ignore the hard truth of unsustainable economic policies, the lack of weapons of mass destruction, and the absence of a link between Saddam Hussein and 9/11. The truth was that those truths no longer mattered; only the opinions of conservatives repeated ad nauseam by right-wing talk radio hosts, Fox News personalities, and White House officials. Eventually, any lie, repeated enough times, started to seem like the truth for the public at large. The extent of this power allowed Bush to be reelected in 2004 despite the Iraq war having already been needlessly launched. And although it did not technically get another Republican elected in 2008, it has allowed their ideals to continue to dominate the decision making process, even under a Democratic administration, as I will later discuss.

During a press conference in Baghdad, on December 14th, 2008, a man named Muntadhar al-Zaidi managed to chuck his shoes at the outgoing President Bush. The act symbolized the sentiment of much of the world, even those in the United States who had once supported Bush. It was a great farewell “fuck you” to a president who managed an eight year reign of terror which paired simultaneous Machiavellian genius with ignorant, bumbling stupidity.

November of 2008 saw the election of Barack Obama as the successor to Bush. In many ways, Obama’s campaign promised an anti-Bush, an administration, we were told, which would work for the people, with openness. Decisions would be made cautiously and with consideration for their consequences, personal liberties would be restored, the public would be put ahead of corporations, etc. In other words, reality and responsibility would replace misinformed idealism and corporate handjobs. As the decade closes, one year into the Obama administration, there is little evidence of these promises being met. Some things have changed, the arrogant swagger of the Republicans has been replaced by the stooped pussy-hood of the Democrats, but the results are the same: corporations get what they want (see: the absence of a public option in health care reform), and right-wing radio whiners get what they want (see: the ongoing operation of Guantanamo Bay).

The 2008 election saw the rise of another political personality named Sarah Palin. Palin lost the election, of course, and some time afterward she also quit her position as Governor of Alaska. Somehow, despite no longer having any legitimate role in politics in the country, Palin continues to be a major player in controlling the decision making process of politicians in America. She popularized the term “death panels” as relating to health care reform, and threw the debate wildly off course for some time because of it, for example. The 2000s, the decade of the conservative talking point, have, at their conclusion, given birth to a monster of unimaginable power.

Politicians no longer even need to be in office to have power, they merely have to get their words on TV, and those words will be replayed, discussed, obsessed over, and even marveled at, and somehow, those words will carry with them such tremendous power that they will go on to run roughshod over the words of real politicians, and ultimately these non-politicians will have managed to exert power without having to even be officially elected. The decade saw the rise of conservative media, and over time that conservative voice became so pervasive that it no longer even seemed conservative, but the norm within public discourse. Now, Palin’s words are treated as gospel by this newly remade media, a media which perpetuates the myth of a false majority of an ultra-right population.

The 2000s close with an American president noticeably less awful than the one they opened with, and yet one not really any better, either. Conservatives now almost wholly control the media, and they use that power to perpetuate their twisted, misinformed, and greedy ideals. As a new decade begins, the United States appears to be entering a second decade under the banner of the conservative talking point, and Karl Rove’s dream of the permanent Republican majority, while not literally real, has essentially been created.

“I’m here to kick ass and chew bubble gum– and I ain’t looting any bubblegum ’til Thursday.” – Anonymous

There seems little point in focusing on any individual riot for a better perspective on the subject; after all, one doesn’t look at a particular painting to judge the merit of fine art. Thus, I turn this article over to a more diffused, general look at opinions and facts about riots the world over. The following is the result of my rational, well-navigated research.

The name “riot” comes from Doug Q. Riot, inventor of the aglet. The concept of wide-spread civilian discord was named in his honour after he was trampled to death.

“Riots aren’t about violence, or college angst, or looting– that’s a misconception. What riots are about is change– always necessary though not always for the better. Now, that said, my living room just wasn’t complete until I got that Lazyboy.” – Riot Expert Chip Macathaway

The Egyptians believed that riots were caused by the excrement of Ra hitting the city from the sky beyond the clouds. This myth was turned into the television program Stargate: Atlantis.

Studies show that only 12% of riots are caused by “The Man.” Scientists aren’t sure what, exactly, causes the other 88%, but they’re pretty sure smoking has something to do with it.

“If I could start a riot at a country music festival, I would die happy. So would Tim McGraw.” – Garth Metley

On November 28, 2008, there were riots at the Black Friday Sale at Wal-Mart. One employee was trampled to death and four others, including a pregnant woman, were taken to the hospital. Many of the crowd were rushing towards a half-off plasma screen television, and would not let any poor unprepared soul get in their way. We all know what that means. Next year, you need to bring a knife to the Wal-Mart Black Friday Day sale if you want that t.v. Bring your A-Game.

“A late party becomes an early riot.” – Confucius

Two years ago a group in the midwest published a study on the national percentage of casualties in non-gang related riots. These are their findings:

Children… …30%
Men (over 45)… …3%
Men (under 45)… …2%
Women (over 45)… …5%
Women (under 45)… …3%
Women (shoe-related riots)… …24%*
Nerds… …15%
Jocks… …(Unknown. Sent out questionnaires, was sent back a Playboy where every chick has a dick Photoshopped on)
Parrots… …(0.5%)
Faith in Mankind… …unquantifiable, like the loss of a child’s love.

* Curiously, most deaths of this type are not the result of trampling or suffocation, but of bludgeoning and stabbings, the wounds from which correspond to the season’s hottest fashion.

“I can resist anything but rage. Hardcore, cold-burning fury. Fuck all y’all.” Oscar Wilde

Rioters’ favourite song (as decided by unanimous vote) – Detroit Rock City.

It was reported at this year’s ComicCon that Twilight writer, Stephenie Meyer, would include a riot in the script for the next Twilight movie. When reached for question, Twilight Star Robert Pattinson replied: “Why not? She’s already figuratively stomped all over the vampire myth, might as well make it literal. God I hate her so much. I mean, I get money and women and cocaine from the hairdressers, but… I don’t know, man. I just don’t know.”

The first riot likely occurred over ownership of the wheel. That or Rodney King’s handling by the LAPD. This event was covered in-depth by that one episode of the Flintstones (Episode #403, “Molostone Cocktail”, guest-starring Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson).

Riot Tech Inc. has developed the “Riot Cape” set for mass production in early 2011. A statement from Riot Tech reads as follows: “We predict that this will raise the coolness of riots by approximately 14% by the year 2013. That said, these capes are in limited supply, and only the first three hundred customers will get the bonus second cape free of charge. They say that the stores open at nine, but they’re probably just holding out on you, letting the employees have the pick of the litter before you, the paying customer get your chance. You gonna take that?”

“The man who likes riots has a small penis indeed.” – Confucius

The first riot in recorded history was begun by Jesus of Nazareth. Roman Emperor Biggus, in response, commanded each follower of Jesus to wear a thread of wooden beads and roam the land bare-chested, so the sun might teach them meekness. The name of this punishment: Mvrti Grvus.

Over the last few months, nerds have not only seen a massive change in the rules of popular, life-affirming card game Magic: the Gathering, but they have also been forced to endure the upcoming changes to World of Warcraft in the newest expansion, Cataclysm. Many say that this is a “perfect storm” of nerd rage, with police seeing a flood of new graffiti covering EBGames across the nation. Such slogans as “Stack THIS,” “More like GAYblin Warriors!”, “More like the GAYttlefield!”, and “The idea that Night Elves would use arcane magic after (continued on other side of store),” have forced many parents to cover their children’s eyes as they pick up the new copy of Pokémon Ranger Dungeon Aquamarine released this week. When asked what measures police were taking against possible geek riots, Police Chief Lug Manstrong looked me in the eyes, cracked a beer and said, “Been a while since we pantsed us some nerdlingers, eh babe?”

He preceded to slap his wife’s posterior, run a hand through his gel-spiked hair, and took off down the road in the Cadillac his dad’s money bought him.

Many men came to Leonidas himself for a solid talking to.

There has been a lot of talk lately about Greece.  In light of recent fires, I have decided that now is the time to look over this old girl’s history and, with any luck, find a solution to its problems in some ancient dusty box in the attic of introspection.  Before that box is burned by rioters.

To start with, what is Greece?  What turbulent waters and epic conflicts helped to shape this coastal nation into the ineffective dive of a country we know today?  It all began with Mongol traders who stumbled upon a drunk oil-wench wandering around the mountains.  And although they could barely understand her ridiculous accent she was ridden more times that night than a communal saddle.  More times than a rickshaw on the Great Wall; more times than the chieftain’s thong; more times than a Greek prostitute!  Anyway, this writhing mass of Mongol-on-Grecian flesh gave birth to the kingdoms of Greece.  The rough and tumble son–with more than his share of mommy issues–was named Sparta.  The effeminate bookworm–who was kind of a momma’s boy–was Athens.  And the Grecian sister, Dot.

A few centuries and a couple of dead philosophers later, the sons of Greece were deeply entrenched in war.  Persia, the rich kid on the block, had decided to invade.  It was up to the king of Sparta, with his brave 300 and Scottish accent, to give up his life for freedom and the natural rights of all men.  Leaving his slave empire behind him, he and his men slaughtered the Persian monsters for three days before the cowardly homosexuals, which no fighting man of Greece could ever abide, overtook them.  That last night before their deaths, the brave 300 Spartans comforted each other, steeling themselves for tomorrow’s destiny.  Hardening themselves beneath the naked sky and the penetrating glare of the stars.  Many men came to Leonidas himself for a solid talking to– why that night the King of Sparta took on more men than the French Foreign Legion.  He took on more men than a feminist in the sixties; he took on more men than a bar stool at Hooters; he took on more men than a Greek Prostitute!

Yet the death of the brave 300 lit a fire under Greece, and with time and effort they threw back the Persian aggressors.  And, having grasped peace from the gauntlet of war, the kingdoms brought their fighting men home just in time to ravage each other.  Yes, the kingdoms ravaged each other.  Sparta sacked Athens, Athens laughed as Sparta fell apart.  Stuff happened to the other kingdoms but nobody cares about losers.

Some time after this, the nation of Greece saw the flaming beacon of World War II and, predictably, got their asses kicked by the Germans.  Germany is a much better, more interesting country, but they’re not in the news right now.  Anyway, boring old Greece has limped on ever since.  Imagine, dear reader, a country run by a cartoon rat whose partner in crime, a cross-eyed wild boar, holds the position of police chief.  The rat is always trying out another scheme to steal his nation’s cheese hoard without anyone noticing, and the wild boar shoots 15-year-olds.  This is a rough approximation of Greece in the last fifty years.  A few weeks ago, however, the mouse-like populace of Greece found out just how little of their cheese wheel remains. And now, not unlike a certain gorilla who found his mighty banana hoard reduced to a few shrivelled phallic tree-fruits, these mice are gonna burn the rest of that yellow bullshit and raise a little hell!  YEAH!  Democracy was born here it can die here, bitches!

(Stay with us for part 2 of this investigation, entitled: “A Rational Response to Riots”)

For the past eight years, Republicans working through their attack machine of conservative talk-radio hosts, Fox News, 527 groups, and Republican talking-head TV panelists have been able to control political discourse. They find the right talking points, hammer on them incessantly, and eventually the election is warped into John Kerry’s supposedly poor performance on a Swiftboat in Vietnam. In the United States, a politician who tries to take some sort high ground, who tries to avoid personal attacks, is a politician who loses.

I’m not sure that these tactics are necessarily wrong or “bad” in some objective way, they work, which in matters as significant as ensuring that your political interests hold the balance of power, probably makes it worthwhile. For the Democrats to ensure that they win the current presidential election, they need to start using the media the way Republicans have so successfully. The choice of Sarah Palin as John McCain’s running mate is an obvious starting point for Democrats, and they’re letting it slip away.

After an initial flurry, Republicans have managed to quell much of the controversy surrounding John McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin as his vice presidential nominee. When Palin was first introduced, she compared herself to Hillary Clinton, claiming “we can shatter that glass ceiling once and for all.” The statement made plain what was already obvious, she was chosen not for her qualifications, but because she was a woman. The pick was an insulting act of pandering and a blatant act of tokenism.

It is the Republicans who have been the sexists on this issue, yet Democrats have been largely silent. Hillary Clinton proclaimed “No way, no how, no McCain” at the Democratic convention, but she hasn’t weighed in on this insulting comparison. The fear has been that Joe Biden would look like a bully attacking a woman (due to the latent sexism of voters), Hillary Clinton is the perfect alternative and she’s been missing.

On cable news channels like CNN, Republican talking-heads shout down legitimate criticisms of Palin with the sexism card. The claims have managed to warp discussions on legitimate issues into questions of whether or not they should be discussed at all. Palin’s lack of experience in fields relevant to the job for which she is attempting to get have been brilliantly eschewed by Republicans.

The discussions regarding Palin’s personal life, specifically her daughter’s pregnancy, have also become discussions of whether or not the discussions should be had at all. That Palin is a proponent of abstinence-only education seems quite relevant when it didn’t even work for her own daughter. Republicans have certainly never shied away from using family. McCain himself has been a victim of it, with the now infamous “black baby” whisper campaign which helped Bush gain the party’s nomination over him.

Palin’s decision to have another child at an age which would heavily increase the likelihood of that child being disabled in some fashion (which is exactly what happened) is indicative of her poor ability to make decisions even in her own life. When Republicans harp mercilessly on Democrats for their much more irrelevant sex lives, it is blatantly hypocritical to proclaim their own candidates’ personal lives off-limits. All that is required of Democrats is to push hard on these issues. Call Republicans on their endless reams of bullshit, and Democrats will finally be fighting the fight they need to.

Michelle Obama’s remark “for the first time in my adult lifetime, I’m really proud of my country” was made out to be unpatriotic by Republicans, and it got a huge amount of play in the media. Somehow, Palin’s husband’s former membership in an Alaskan independence party has been largely ignored. This is the sort of controversy that needs some help to get going, Democrats need to attack on it until it can no longer be ignored.

Democrats need to manipulate the media the way Republicans have done to such great success. Force the issues that appeal to the lowest common denominator, warp political discourse in their favour, and put the Republicans on the defensive. If the Democrats plan to win this election, then they should fight as unscrupulously as needed.

It’s time to choose who will lead our country for the next…six months or so. And, as always, at least to me; it’s like choosing between the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Famine

Paul Martin and the Liberal Party of Canada.

The man that wants to institute a Bureacracy of Childcare, so that I can pay for the destruction of a private industry in Canada, and then it’s rebirth as a cushy government job.

This is the party that has robbed millions, if not billions of dollars from “general revenue”. They overfund projects and pad their pockets, they bribe large companies with tax dollars, and grants, so that they will support them at election time with private donations and advertising. The Liberals have raised taxes continuously for years, and then had the audacity to say that they were “balancing the budget”. Their party platform actually says exactly this — “…guarantee that government is accountable and efficient.”. Obviously they’re talking about some other countries government; because I certainly don’t see that happening any time soon.

But really…who can blame them? It’s not like they can be held accountable. Politicians are largely above the law in Canada. In Canada, to the Dictator goes the Spoils. And we’ve had the Dictator of one kind or another leading our country for most of the 20th Century.

Pestilence

A party that has grown insidiously larger for the last 15 years.

The Reform Party merged with numerous provincial Tory parties, to form the Canadian Alliance. This was to “unite the right” and form a unit to merge with the Progressive Conservative Party of Canada. This was accomplished in 2003, whereby the current Conservative Party of Canada was born.

This party is somewhat of an enigma to me. Their platform changes constantly to suit their environment, and they seem willing to admit to mistakes, but they don’t seem to have much of an idea of what they’d actually be able to accomplish if they ever got a majority government.

Everything that they do seems to be more of a “Get the Liberals out of power” than a “What can we do for Canada?”. This makes them more like a retrovirus, to be cleansed when their purpose is accomplished, than a viable party.

Death

The Bloc Québécois. A party devoted almost entirely to the destruction of Canada. But, like Death itself, it has it’s merits on occasion.

Even though they want to destroy our country by creating [even more of] a gaping hole of nothingness inbetween Ontario and the Maritimes — I’ve heard they actually have some good party policies. Not that you would ever know. Their website is in French, their platform is in French, and they don’t have candidates running anywhere outside Quebec.

War

The New Democrat Party. This is the party that I will go to any length to stop. I’d vote fucking Liberal before I vote for Jack Layton.

Let’s break down their platform:

Aboriginal Peoples – Build up the infrastructure on reserves with tax dollars. Give legal space within Canada for Aboriginal peoples to have self-governance. And this one I have to quote – “Ensuring equitable participation of First Nations, Métis, and Inuit peoples and governments in Canada’s stewardship of air, water and lands.

* Encourage environmental career choices.
* Provide specific space on boards, commissions and international delegations.
* Ensure equitable participation in environmental projects and activities, especially those related to climate change. “

I’m sorry. But exactly what do people that are 1/8th Aboriginal that have been living in largely self-induced squalor know about “environmental projects and activities”? Beyond the fact that they know they can legally poach all the animals they want no matter the season. Score one for Jack for getting the “poor underappreciated Aboriginals” on his side with government jobs and handouts.

“We are the only party with a formal policy of freezing nominations until there is a member of an affirmative action group seeking the nomination. Affirmative action candidates for the purpose of our policy are those individuals who identify as belonging to groups significantly under-represented in the House of Commons…Those groups are women, youth, LGBT, persons of visible minority, persons living with disabilities and Aboriginal peoples.”

…this party actually sponsors hiring people because they have a different colour to their skin, or different genitalia. Hiring on merit is obviously an outmoded pratice — genetic modification is obviously the way to go, since under JL’s rule that’s the only way Caucasian males will be able to get employment it seems.

This party scares the fuck out of me. Not least of which because Jack Layton is actually relatively charismatic. More than Paul Martin or Frenchy anyway. Which means it’s basically between Conservative and NDP.

I honestly have no idea who the hell I’m going to vote for on Monday. The Liberals lie, cheat, and steal; the Conservatives have to have an alternative agenda that they’re not talking about…because if their current platform is all that they’ve got, it’s scary as fuck; the Bloc doesn’t run here, and I don’t know if I could vote for someone that only speaks French, and hates anyone that doesn’t give them lots of money for no reason; and the NDP are on a Crusade for the minorities to have more rights than anyone else.

We’re all fucking doomed.

Discuss

“Gonna break back for the hommies” ~Gilles Duceppe.

Yes, I could comprehend all of the words pouring from their mouths, even the funny talking one. He’s “French” I think they call it. Well anyway, my problems of comprehension stem from the fact that all four of the candidates on the show were accusing each other of things that have absolutely no consequence whatsoever. None of them actually discussed their own platform. Same deal goes for any political commercials you see. Tonight though, I’ve decided to figure out just what in the hell will be done by a few of the people running for the position of Prime Minister if elected. Yes, to help out anybody in a situation as dire as my own, I come to you with only the most pertinent information. Hopefully everyone will have a much better grasp of the Canadian political landscape once I’m done with them.

Firstly there is Paul Martin. He is currently the King of Canada as the leader of the Liberal party, he was made King when the old one (King Jean Chretien) died of falling in front of a moving train. During his reign Paul Martin has improved Canada-U.S. relations and defended himself against accusations of involvement with some wild ass sponsorship scandal thing Jean Chretien did. That’s about all he’s had time for. If elected, Paul Martin will keep things going exactly the way they already are. I think he has some plans about reducing the federal debt, which is good. Having said that, he’ll probably pull a bunch of useless massive government projects out of his gaping anus as his predecessor did. Maybe gay marriage will be made legal at some point, I don’t think he really cares either way on that one.

Next is Gilles Duceppe. He’s the French guy I was talking about. He’s leader of the Bloc-Quebecois party which only runs in Quebec and is all about getting Quebec way more shit than all the other provinces. Gilles Duceppe couldn’t possibly be the next Prime Minister, he’ll get a seat though. Then we’ll be forced to listen to him whine about how much maple syrup his province gives Alberta and how much oil money Alberta ought to give Quebec in exchange.

“I like bunnies and rainbows” ~Jack Layton

Then there’s Jack Layton. Jack Layton is the leader of the NDP. The NDP is all about borrowing money. Borrowing massive amounts of money and using it to save the whales, painting flowers onto the helmets of army personnel as well as many other worthwhile logical things. If elected the NDP will throw Canada way deeper into debt and then legalize human-kangaroo marriage.

Stephen Harper is the leader of the Conservative party. The Conservative party is actually brand new, you see the Canadian Alliance and Progressive Conservative parties decided to merge when they realized they were the same party, thus ending a decade of neither party having a chance of winning. If elected Stephen Harper will sell out to the Americans, he will then use the profits to build a Canadian super army and take over the world. After that he’ll make gay men impregnate underage girls and force the girls to keep the kids just as he cancels welfare. Then he will laugh maniacally as he releases a biological super weapon which will turn all humans into flesh hungry zombies out for revenge against Communists.

There’s just one other party. They’re for gay marriage, legalizing marijuana, and they’re pro choice. If elected they would cut social spending and use the money to pay off the debt. After they paid off the debt they’d fix health care and the military, and lower tuition fees. No wait, I’m sorry, I’m wrong. A party this logical could not possibly exist in a democratic nation. In Canada everybody votes according to who will fix their specific problems and fuck everybody else. What I’m getting at is this: vote for the least of however many evils happen to appear on your ballot. Or write in “shufflingdead.com fuck tha po-lice” at least then the vote counters might go to the site.

Blair and Bush, a political relationship of ass kissing goodness.

Not all British people are gay: wuts uP?

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(Osama Bin get Ladden a lot 8===D has joined the conversation)

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Not all British people are gay: spaz

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(My chemical weapons cum from my a$$ has joined the conversation)

My chemical weapons cum from my a$$: wut do u fags want?

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Not all British people are gay: duh

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(My chemical weapons cum from my a$$ has left the conversation)

Chretien and Saddam, I have no political joke to put here.

Osama Bin get Ladden a lot 8===D: u guys r st00pid

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(Osama Bin get Ladden a lot 8===D has left the conversation)

Not all British people are gay: touchy

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(Americanz suck cock has joined the conversation)

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Americanz suck cock: cuz tha u n should cum too

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Not all British people are gay: me too shes a whore dood

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(lol Xbox is big lol has left the conversation)

Not all British people are gay: me too canadians suk cock

I’m so glad we could get such an in-depth view of the inner workings of international politics. I feel completely at ease now that I have gotten a glimpse of the intelligent and thoughtful guys who keep this world a safe place in which to live.

The first order of business is to eliminate all of the government’s corruption that has plagued the country forever. I’ll have everyone in the “Duma,” Russia’s parliament, “peacefully removed” and replace them with a whole bunch of clones of Anna Kournikova and Anna Ohura. To do this I’ll need a large scale cloning operation, located in bunkers underneath Siberia, of course. Anyone who’s seen that pinnacle of modern film making, Michael Keaton’s Multiplicity, knows that fully grown clones can be easily mass produced.

Kournikova/Ohura, my government.

I’ll also ban anything that threatens my stay in office such as political parties, religions, and most definitely physical activity. To do all of this, I’ll have to create a large force of secret police. I’ll be resurrecting the KGB and equipping them with those cool ass guns from The Fifth Element, you know, the ones that were machine guns, flame throwers, net launchers, and bombs all in one.

Despite the fact the KGB will be able to collect taxes, there’s no way I’ll have enough capital to actually fund all of the cloning research and other worthwhile projects I plan on, which means I’m going to have to look for other sources of revenue. The ever empire-like Disney has inspired me to charge people to have their name etched into a brick in Red Square, just like at Disneyland. Russia has great stock piles of needless atomic weapons which could never be used for anything but overkill, it should be a cinch to auction off those bad boys to a fine and upstanding bidder from anywhere in the regions bordering the mighty motherland. I’ll also be selling advertising space anywhere I can. I’ll be selling all those nukes with nicely painted ads for Starbucks, McDonald’s and maybe even Dell. Who knows, your very town could soon have a giant smiling picture of the “dude, you’re getting a Dell!” guy’s head bearing down on it.

A pair of average Russians at play.

While the state (and by state, I mean me) is going to control all forms of communication, it will still be perfectly legal to buy and sell goods. This will allow me to decide just what goes on on television, but since I want to have viewers and make a profit, I’m going to have to have decent programming. Russian TV is insane as it is, there’s game shows that rival even the Japanese ones, and that whole naked news thing, which means there will be only a few changes. The first two are easy, naked news will now be hosted by randomly selected members of the new Duma, not only will this allow greater exposure (HAW HAW HAW) of my government, but will undoubtedly increase ratings. The second change is to turn all of the current game shows into survival horror scenarios, except, if you survive, you’re shot. Contestants for these game shows will be selected from entries collected from prisoners working in Siberian work camps. The third change to Russian television will be the introduction of a brand new sitcom entitled ‘Alf.’ Alf will be about an alien who lives with an average Russian family from the eighties, all of the cast, including Alf, will be played by the kidnapped staff from the American program of the same name.

For the new Soviet Union to truly return to it’s glory days, it needs to take back all that stuff in eastern Europe, namely Poland. Since I am a kind and noble man, I’ll be sending clones of fat ass Americans to do the fighting. I’ll kidnap a family of the loud mouths while they’re on vacation, send them to my cloners, make about twelve million of these characters, tell them the dirty Communists of Canada, located all along our Western border, are threatening our heritage and that the average American needs to take up arms and do the right thing. I’ll hook my new army up with the Russian mob for some weapons and ship them over to “Canada” to fight. After my inevitable victory, I’ll troop move my secret police to all my conquered territories across eastern Europe, install puppet governments, take a card, and end my turn in a blaze of glory.