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There’s this scene in an episode of Seinfeld, George and Jerry are sitting at their usual spot in the usual restaurant talking about their usual women problems, when my all time favourite tv moment occurs:

Jerry: Ahh. [puts head down]
George: What?
Jerry: What is this? What are we doing? What in god’s name are we doing?
George: What?
Jerry: Our lives! What kind of lives are these? We’re like children. We’re not men.
George: No, we’re not. We’re not men.

→ Continue reading Our lives!

Ah those old people. Always thinking they know more than us. Just because they’ve lived a hundred years and supposedly fought in fifty wars and walked ten million miles uphill in their elderly relatives’ pajamas, they seem to think they have some sort of life experience or wisdom that can only be gained through many years of life.

→ Continue reading To Hell in a Hand Basket

I have decided that giving people advice is my true calling. Here is another poor fellow that wrote to Abby in need of GOOD advice.

DEAR ABBY: My wife spends all her spare time with a female friend I’ll call “Cassandra.” Last August they went to Nicaragua for two weeks, at Cassandra’s expense. They are planning a trip to Puerto Rico next month. Again, Cassandra is footing the bill. They spent a week together in Louisville at a church-sponsored activity. They give each other oil massages in our bed and make frequent bets with each other with the massages as the payoff.

→ Continue reading Dear Abby, Part 2

People are stupid. In the course of a day, you meet many stupid people. Some try to hide their stupidity, yet others (pppsssst, these are the annoying ones) feel the need to show others how dumb they really are with their need for advice on problems that could be easily solved. Some take it to the max with their letters to some woman named “Abby” who gives advice that’s only good for hobos, cuz well, what more have they got to lose? In order to reveal to the world the stupidity in all advice given by Abby, I shall offer my kickass advice to those poor souls. Feel free to take my advice, as I am awesome.

→ Continue reading Dear Abby, I’m a Whiny Dumbass!

Q: What do you think is the most irritating thing people do?
A: Speak.

Blah blah blah

How about this weather? In an average day, a normal human being will be forced to associate with a vast array of fellow humans. This could be nothing more than a couple people who share your office, to several hundred family members at a holiday function. Now, it is guaranteed every single one of these people is miserable. Either their wife is cheating on them, or they’re having a mid-life crisis, or their kids are all in jail. Not a single one of them will tell you any of this of course, no, they’d rather talk about the goddamn weather. They’d rather explain to you in excruciating detail the precise amount of snow that fell on their house last night, or the lovely walk they took because of the wonderful sunshine.

→ Continue reading The Delicate Art of Shutting the Fuck Up

This website was always called “Newbs’ Knowledge of Life, the Universe and Everything” yet I’ve never explained the meaning of it all. So you really want to know, do you? The grand purpose for which any of us do anything? Okay, here it is. The meaning of life is sex.

→ Continue reading The Meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything

I plan on looking exactly like this.

That’s right, a 19 year old male is going through menopause. How, may you ask, is this possible? Well, I’ve been on extensive gene therapy lately in an effort to turn myself female. The idea was, if I was female, I could probably convince myself to have sex with myself. Turns out I found myself too perverted, creepy and puny to fuck so that didn’t work out, and now I’m dealing with all the side effects of menopause as well as the male “mid-life crisis” in rapid succession. I can handle the hot flashes and the viagra but trying to act like a trend-setting 10 year old is tough.

When I was 10, I remember being quite the social outcast. I was relegated to wander the playground in solitude while all the cool kids who could do things like ride bikes, play sports and swim went off and did all that wacky physical stuff. Now, at the ripe old age of 19, I reflect upon my early years and try to figure out just what drove me to refuse to learn how to actually do any of this stuff. I believe at the time I had a theory that physical activity existed solely to separate intelligent people from the roaming horde of stupidity on earth. I felt that the only reason to gain the ability to do something like ride a bike was so that a person could follow around the cool people. In other words, I planned on succeeding all my peers by using my time to ponder the meaning of life, the universe and everything instead of wasting it on “skating” or “soccer”.

→ Continue reading I am Going Through Menopause