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E3 2004 – Reggiefied, Supafied, Nintendofied

May 16, 2004 Games No Comments

As happens every year about this time I have gotten sucked into constantly refreshing all the various gaming sites I visit. That’s because it has just been E3 2004. Electronic Entertainment Expo, or for those of you still confused, a big video game convention featuring booth babes and free toys. Now I run a website so “fringe” so “out there” and “hip” that I have not been invited to this digital orgasm, but I do have unprecedented knowledge of just what happened down there and so I will fill you all in.

Firstly, I don’t give a fuck in funky town what anybody besides Nintendo is doing, and all my knowledge about all the other companies is really just me assuming that they’re doing evil anti-Nintendo things just to spite me personally. As is tradition, E3 started off with the big three console makers doing big presentations. I have no clue what anybody else did, all I know is that Nintendo did a gaping anus’ worth of glorious announcements that have thrown the world into a state of euphoric shock.

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Review: Agent Under Fire

April 2, 2004 Games No Comments

During my long ago youth I fell in love with one of the finest console first-person-shooters ever produced. It was called Goldenye, and it was based off the James Bond movie of the same name. The game was finely crafted by the amazing talent at Rare, before all the decent people left the company.

Quite some time ago I came to own a second hand copy of the Electronic Arts made Bond game “Agent Under Fire.” Knowing that the game was not made by anyone at all connected with the Goldeneye people, and having played a little of the more recent Bond games I was expecting a fairly average game. For the most part, the game delivered on exactly this expectation.

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Review: Beyond Good & Evil

January 14, 2004 Games No Comments

Developer: Ubi Soft
Released: 11/11/2003
Released for: GC, PC, Xbox, PS2
Reviewd on: GC

You’re Jade, a journalist living on the planet of Hyllis. You live with a talking pig in a lighthouse, and you shelter orphans from the war with the Domz – evil creatures that move through the universe obliterating everything in their path. You earn money by photographing the wildlife, while trying to solve the mystery of the Alpha Sections – the supposed protectors of your planet.

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Goddamn Starcraft!

December 14, 2003 Games No Comments

The mere ability to access this webpage indicates to me that you already understands the pure evil that is Counter Strike. I’m sure you have all heard of the wretched legion of fourteen year old boys who have made it their lives to join clans of, create hacks for, complain about and sometimes even play this very evil game. Now the acronym for this game is “CS.” The acronym for the game Starcraft is “SC.” Coincidence, I think not! Thanks to a few unnamed sources, I have recently discovered the cold hard facts about exactly what it is the world of Starcraft is doing to destroy my life.

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The Industry of Hell, Part 2: The Customers are Mentally Deficient

October 17, 2003 Games No Comments

That’s right, I have come back to complete this series of four articles which I began writing September 6, 2003. Don’t let me fool you; the reason for this delay is sheer laziness. In an effort to fool you, however, I will say that I held off this long because I was hoping to jump on the perfect moment of customer retardation, a moment where all gamers stood up simultaneously, and in a united voice said “Yes! We are retarded!” That moment arrived on April 27, 2006, when Nintendo announced that its upcoming console would be named “Wii,” and the internet itself melted when all 20 of gaming’s factions went to war.

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