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The Conduit Review

June 29, 2009 Games 1 Comment

Gamers are some of the whiniest people you will ever meet. Actually, I mean to say that gamers are some of the whiniest people you will ever encounter on the internet. It’s unlikely that you’ll ever meet one, since, well, gamers don’t leave their homes. I know, because I’m a gamer, and sometimes I forget what the sky looks like. Gamer whine when a sequel gets made to their favourite game and, as such, tarnishes that original in some imagined way. Gamers whine when a sequel to their favourite game is never made, because then they can’t give away as much of their otherwise useless disposable income.

Gamers whine when a new game isn’t coming to their favourite console, and they really whine when a game is coming to their most hated console. For the gaming community of 2009, no console is more hated than the Wii. You see, the Wii continues to sell incredibly well, and bring new (scary) people to gaming, an industry which, much like its most loyal customers, is in need of a shower and a bit of physical exertion.

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E3 2009: A Magical Expo

June 8, 2009 Games No Comments

Once every year, something magical happens. The games industry gathers together in Los Angeles in order to show off their new and upcoming products, and the whining man-children of the internet then descend upon message boards to discuss these product pitches. As king of the man-children, I took it upon myself to watch the big three conferences this year, and I will summarize them for you now.

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D&D Record of Adventures #1

May 8, 2009 Games No Comments

Good evening, enraptured readers! This marks the beginnings of the Shufflingdead.com Dungeons & Dragons Record of Adventures! Here we will inscribe the tales of our many adventures in the worlds and dungeons which hover upon the edges of reality in the minds of several esteemed Dungeon Masters!

This particular story stems from the mouth of none other than Shufflingdead founder, Newbs. The tale begins with the introduction of the four characters: Francis Feeble (Weskimo), Hermia Feeble (DMUSER), Derek Blacksoul (Quaid), and the voluptuous Volumnius (Psycho_Limey).

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Software Piracy – Scapegoat of 2008

October 19, 2008 Games No Comments

Lately I’ve seen a lot of companies taking their games-in-development and as-yet unreleased games off of the PC shelf, and firmly slotting them into the console marketplace.

No ports. No release 6 months later with no mouse support, and lackluster presentation for full price.

PC gaming has been a hotly contested subject for a long time, make no mistake. Ever since the Xbox first came out, people have been proclaiming “THE DEATH OF THE PC IS NIGH” and other such fear-mongering. Generally for no better reason than some kind of superiority complex, because they want to feel like they’re getting value for their money when they spend upwards of $300 on a computer that is only really able to play games. There’s very little proven truth to these statements, and actually quite the opposite if you don’t simply look at NPD statistics, and add in the much more profitable category of digital distribution.

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I Want to Timmy Johnny With My Spike

May 31, 2007 Games No Comments

Welcome to magicthegathering.com! I’m Rose Markwater, Head Designer of Magic: The Gathering, and today I’m giving you the full preview of our new set, Phyrexian Homarid. This new set is based entirely on market research performed on our five remaining tournament players, as everyone at the company is terrified of losing those players, and even more terrified of producing a product anyone else might actually want. Before that though, I want to talk a bit about where Magic is going in the next few years.

First, I’d like to announce that we’re changing our tournament formats. We’re eliminating Vintage, Legacy, Extended, Standard, and any other formats that allow you to play with old cards. Instead we’re only allowing Block Constructed, and only of our newest block (which will soon be Phyrexian Homarid!). Additionally, we’re disallowing all casual play, all casual players can expect to receive cease and desist orders soon. By the way, we’ve entered into a contract with all Magic vendors to buyback (get it?!?!?!?!) all the Magic cards we’ve ever produced. We expect this will raise card prices for those casual players who try to circumvent our laws by a magnitude of several thousand.

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