Image: Assassin's Creed. Ubisoft.

I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood in preparation for Revelations, and I had a rather interesting thought during my playthrough. There are only about three people in the entire world of the game that appear even the least bit overweight. Oh sure, you could blame this on the starving peasant class of the Middle Age setting of the game, but I’m not so sure that’s the reason.

The entire world, every city, countryside and building, is completely inaccessible by any reasonable means. Traversing the world is one giant obstacle course. If you want to go kill that unsuspecting guard at the top of that tower, do you know how you have to get to him? Fucking climb. No elevator. Not even stairs. Yeah. You CLIMB that tower by hand and get up there and do your murdering.

If you have a meeting with a thief on the other side of the city in five minutes and you can’t miss it, you climb a ladder and start jumping over rooftops and you don’t stop for freaking anything. If a guard gives you any grief over wandering over the rooftops, you just jump faster. If cities all over the world adopted the planning methods and architecture of Ubisoft’s interpretation of Rome, we could end the ‘obesity crisis’ that the media keeps hitting us with. Picture this: that thief you have to meet? He is now an important client that you need to give that presentation to today. That guard you need to kill that I mentioned earlier? He’s your mindless four-hour TV session after you get off work. Getting to either is now a huge workout.

If everyone’s basic day could be one giant workout, if exercising was something you had to do to get from point A to point B, I think we’d all end up in a lot better shape.

So city planners and architects, school principals and office managers, make the inside of the schools and office buildings jungle-gyms or obstacle courses you need to navigate to get anywhere. No taking the elevator two fucking floors anymore. You take some stairs and jump through some windows. Then go over the rooftops and drop down through another window. And then leap over a gap using a series of wooden beams and monkey bars.

Maybe we could all pick up fake Italian accents, too…

Image: Final Fantasy XIII box art. Square Enix.

Welcome back to Games in Review! Today we’ll be reviewing Final Fantasy XIII for the Xbox360. It is also available on the PlayStation 3.

Story

The game starts out in a world called Cocoon, a pinnacle of civilization when compared to the lawless, monster-infested boogeyman world of Pulse. The citizenry of Cocoon wet their pants at the mere mention of a Pulse invasion. Apparently there was a huge war way back. Whatever.

The story begins with a mass deportation being enforced on anyone from Cocoon who came anywhere near a Pulse Fal’Cie (really powerful magical bastards). The heroes of the game are suitably pissed, as most are on that list, so they eventually join up in a resistance against the Sanctum (Cocoon’s government).

Gameplay

The game is extremely linear, and progression is typically possible without going far out of your way to level your characters. There are a ton of things you can do outside the realm of the main quest, though, so checking it out can be fun and net some decent rewards.

Final Fantasy XIII has a really cool battle system. You go into battle with a team of up to three characters, but only control the one you designate as the party leader. The rest of your party follows a priority based set of actions according to their classes. You set up a list of ‘paradigms,’ a set-list of classes for your entire party. You can switch between paradigms mid-combat according to your current needs. If you’re suddenly getting beaten down by some angry bit of magic, consider shifting to a paradigm with a Synergist and Medic for some protection spells and healing. If you manage to stun your enemy, switch to a combat heavy grouping and drop some damage. The paradigm system can seem a bit confusing at first, and then a bit limiting since your characters only perform within their classes (example: a medic cannot attack, a ravager has no physical attacks and cannot heal, etc.), but the system is truly fantastic. It leads to some engaging and fast-paced combat that keeps you immersed.

Another piece of the combat system is called the ‘chain gauge’. This is extremely important to the effectiveness of your party in combat. Each enemy has a chain gauge and it builds up as you attack them, slowly draining if they are left alone for a while. When it fills, many enemies will become much more vulnerable to attack. Different attacks have differing effects on the chain gauge, filling it faster, or making it empty slower. A large part of success in battle focuses around manipulating the chain gauge properly.

Moving around the world is fairly straightforward, it’s pretty much third-person free movement along the various paths and fields through the game. Gone from this FF game is the invisible random encounters occurring every three steps. Encounters are initiated by running into enemies out in the world, so you have an actual chance to run away or avoid encounters if you wish. This makes side quests and any backtracking you decide to do much more accessible with less slogging through weak enemies for little gain.

Image: Final Fantasy XIII character art. Square Enix.

Graphics

This game is beautiful. The environments are fantastic, and the characters and enemies are well rendered and clear. You don’t get any of the goddamn slowdown that you get with some other graphics-heavy games, everything is smooth and fast, perfectly fitting with pace of the game. Pretty polished.

Sound

Here’s where FFXIII is going to lose some points in my opinion, if only for the voice acting. Several characters were flat-out piss-poorly voice acted. Very disappointing. Music was pretty great though, not brilliant, but well done all the same. Battle sounds were above standard as well, and that’s good because there are a lot of them.

Complaints Department

This is a new section of Games in Review that I just created on the fly because I felt that my problems with this game really don’t fit into any of the above categories. So here goes:

Character Design. Come the hell on. These were all in all a pretty poorly written set of characters, with some borderline dialogue and some crappy voice acting. And what the hell accent does Vanille have? They just made it up! They even got lazy with the names: Snow, Lightning, Hope, Vanille, Fang… Seriously? And they’re all such fucking whiners.

And the biggest problem with this game is how long it takes you to really get going. As I said above, the game plays ridiculously well, and is a ton of fun. But the token tutorial section lasts for about 10 hours. During this time you are kept running around frantically while the game teaches you the basics, while telling you as little about the story as possible. You have very limited ability to customize your characters, no ability to deviate from the story to check things out, and are subjected to countless events of mostly meaningless character development. Thankfully, by the end of these sections, you fucking really know how to play, and your characters are mostly over their issues with each other and you can start to get your shit together.

Overall

A must-play for any fan of the franchise. Fast action, extremely customizable tactics, great graphics, and a compelling storyline that develops really well. Despite its faults, FFXIII has a lot of gameplay value, and was an unregretted use of my time. This game was a blast.

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Image: Ocarina of Time. Nintendo.

I’m counting down the greatest boss battles in Legend of Zelda history. Click here to view part 1.

5. Veran (Oracle of Ages)

Image: Copyright Nintendo.

Two of Link’s toughest adventures appeared on the GameBoy Color with the Oracle games. Oracle of Ages‘ final boss, Veran, stands as one of the hardest challenges between the titles.

The fight consists of Veran flipping through an incredible five forms, beginning with Possessed Ambi and then switching to her True Form before randomly cycling through Beetle, Bee, and Spider forms. Every stage is a struggle which requires serious ingenuity just to get through, and taken together the battle is one lengthy slog.

4. Ganondorf (Wind Waker)

Image: Copyright Nintendo.

The hardest part of putting this list together was preventing the temptation of allowing the various Ganon/Ganondorf final-boss battles to completely dominate. There’s nothing quite like heading into the final boss fight of a new Zelda game and knowing Ganon will be waiting for you, but having no idea what new twist or trick will await, or what forms your foe will take. I’ve limited myself to only two appearances of the King of the Gerudo.

Wind Waker is a controversial game, its graphics were reviled by the fan community when the game was first shown, and criticisms have lingered regarding its few number of dungeons, generally easy gameplay, and late-game fetch quest. There is little doubt, however, that Wind Waker boasts one of the most epic final battles in Zelda history. Ganondorf’s tight character design, the expressiveness of the characters which Wind Waker‘s art style allows for, and the uncluttered waterfall scene you fight in, all contribute to a pure and intense fight.

That is all to say nothing of the final blow. Wind Waker concludes with the most satisfying sword swipe in Zelda history, but I’ll save the gory details for players to discover on their own.

3. Armos Knights (Link to the Past)

Image: Copyright Nintendo.

It may seem questionable to put a game’s first boss fight so high on this list, but I consider the battle against the six Armos Knights in Link to the Past to be some of the finest action in Zelda history.

In the dungeon leading up to this fight, you get your hands on your bow, so you know it will be extremely useful, if not necessary, in the battle to come. It’s a simple and elegant weapon to use from the overhead perspective: line up with whatever you want to hit, and fire away. That’s where the brilliance of the Armos Knights comes in. They dance around, stomp, and generally make it a mental workout to keep pace. There’s a subtle strategy in taking down the knights, too. Do you focus on one at a time, clearing space to make your battle easier as you go, but leave yourself vulnerable to an extended altercation with the final, tougher Armos, or do you spread the pain around, and mostly avoid his wrath?

2. Majora’s Mask (Majora’s Mask)

Image: Copyright Nintendo.

The final boss battle of Majora’s Mask is another one of those vintage Zelda multi-form wars that seem to go on and on. In Majora’s Mask‘s appropriately trippy final boss battle, you must take on the mask itself.

The first form of this boss is simply called “Majora’s Mask.” Here, you must fight with tentacles and the masks of the bosses you’ve already beaten in the game. Things escalate rapidly from there, with the fast-moving second form, known as Majora’s Incarnation, taking on bizarrely long arms and legs. The battle concludes with the mask becoming Majora’s Wrath. This form is more human in shape, but there are now two whip-like arms to contend with.

1. Ganon (Ocarina of Time)

Image: Copyright Nintendo.

This battle stands as perhaps the most singularly epic in gaming history. After finally breaking into Ganondorf’s chamber, you see your expectant nemesis playing a massive pipe organ, Zelda hangs helplessly suspended above him. Ganondorf’s study fades away as he flies into the air, and the battle begins.

Things kick off with some of the previously mentioned Dead Man’s Volley. Hitting Ganondorf with his own energy will knock him back, allowing you to strike him with Light Arrows, which in turn allows you to hack away with your sword. After a number of rounds of this, your enemy will send his own castle crashing down around you.

This is followed by a mad dash for what seems like safety. Of course, waiting for you outside the ruins of his castle is Ganon in his final, massive pig form. Lightning cracks, and Ganon stretches back to reveal his true, awesome power.

Image: Copyright Nintendo.

The Legend of Zelda. It’s the greatest game franchise in history. It’s games are, well, legend, and so are its boss battles. This list is my attempt at ranking the greatest, that is to say, the most fun, the most epic, and the most memorable, boss battles in Zelda history. Click here to view part 2 of this article.

10. Gleeok (Legend of Zelda)

Image: Copyright Nintendo.

Gleeok is the multi-headed dragon which appears in different forms (with different numbers of heads) in three of the original Legend of Zelda‘s dungeons. You first encounter the two-headed form of Gleeok in the game’s level 4 dungeon.

Much like the rest of the original Zelda, Gleeok is a true challenge. The player is required to hack off each of its multiple fast moving heads, and the battles grow more intense as more heads are chopped. The heads you manage to separate from Gleeok stick around the room you’re in, attacking with fireballs. Battles with Gleeok are a struggle to stay alive, and a perfect example of the rewarding difficulty the original Legend of Zelda is so famous for.

9. Agahnim (Link to the Past)

Image: Copyright Nintendo.

The first portion of Link to the Past builds the dark wizard Agahnim up as your great adversary, before you’re sent to the Dark World and it is revealed that Ganon is actually the source of the evil you’re trying to combat. Fighting your way past Agahnim and discovering the game has only just begun is a true thrill.

This particular battle is memorable not only for its setting and story importance, but for introducing Zelda players to a now common series trait, “tennis” or “Dead Man’s Volley.” This brilliant mechanic requires the player to bounce back his or her opponent’s energy attacks with carefully timed sword swipes in increasingly quick succession, until the enemy can no longer keep up, and is struck by his or her own energy ball.

8. King Bulblin at the Bridge of Eldin (Twilight Princess)

Image: Copyright Nintendo.

King Bulblin is a recurring minor enemy in Twilight Princess, but it’s his cinematic jousting match with Link at the Bridge of Eldin that has stuck with many gamers. As Link, you chase King Bulblin down on horseback after he kidnaps Colin, one of your village’s children. In desperation following your slaughter of his minions, this enemy will lead you to Twilight Princess‘ now famous bridge scene.

In a game full of great horse-mounted combat, this battle stands above the rest. You must aggressively charge and hack at Bulpin while he presses back riding Lord Bullbo, a massive warthog-like creature. This battle concludes with King Bulblin being flung off the bridge. The scene is so spectacular, it was even recreated in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

7. Igos du Ikana and his Bodyguards (Majora’s Mask)

Image: Copyright Nintendo.

If it’s been awhile since you last played Majora’s Mask, you may miss-remember the game as being a brief, four-dungeon affair. While it is true that the game has only four proper dungeons by Zelda standards, it does have a number of quicker mini-dungeons which the player must explore to complete the game.

My personal favourite of these mini-dungeons is the Ancient Castle of Ikana, which is guarded by Igos du Ikana and his Bodyguards, all three of whom are giant skeletons, or Stalfos. The battle begins with the curtains of Igos du Ikana’s throne room being drawn closed as deep, ominous music rumbles. This sets up a thrilling battle which requires you to reopen the curtains (with fire, of course) so that light can get back in and be reflected back at your opponents (a weakness of theirs). Aside from the light, however, there’s not a lot to the fight except hack-and-slash swordplay and gymnastics, the gameplay highlights of 3D Zelda, in my opinion.

6. Dark Link (Ocarina of Time)

Image: Copyright Nintendo.

Dark Link is probably the second most famous villain in Zelda history, and his infamy is due almost entirely to his presence in Ocarina of Time. Link’s villainous alter-ego is actually “just” a mini-boss, appearing in the latter part of Ocarina‘s infamous Water Temple.

As you move through the Water Temple, you become accustomed to going from one dark-blue hall to another, until you open up a door that appears to lead to some kind of alternate realm, one which looks like it exists outside the rest of the game you’re playing. You know something good, or something terrifying, is coming. The walls are a milky white, the music is quiet, and a bare tree sits ominously between you and the exit on the other side. Move through the room and nothing pops out, nothing confronts you. When you reach the other side, you find yourself locked in this room. When you turn around, you will find that you are suddenly facing down anything but your typical Zelda boss. This is no dragon, or great beast, or twisted knight. This is you, this is Link, in shadow form.

Click here to view 5-1.

Hit the jump for the what was the live blog coverage. Relive the pain.

All times are Mountain.

8:05: And that concludes Shufflingdead’s live coverage of the SpikeTV VGAs. I can’t believe I’ve endured this ass for another year. Goodnight.

8:02: Game of the Year goes to… Red Dead Redemption. Fuck you Spike, fuck you everyone.

8:00: Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception premier now. Nathan Fillion needs to streak for this.

7:59: CoD: Black Ops dude has won character of the year. It must have been the unique combination of facial hair and guns.

7:58: SSX: Dudebro Descent. Jesus Fucking Christ. Time to snap your copies of the old games. This franchise has been chewed by Master Chief and shit out by Codblops.

7:52: SSX Deadly Descent premier on now. Is this a CoD game? WHAT. THE. FUCK.

7:52: Just 9 minutes left. Hope you’ve got your heads shaved and oiled, your broheims signed into Live, and your brews loaded in your hat. Time to save the world braaaahs.

7:49: Yes Nathan Fillion! Oh no, he’s talking about Halo. Yes, his mic isn’t working and he looks pissed! This is awesome.

7:47: TMZ skit. This is kind of not terrible.

7:46: It won’t be long now. I only have to endure 14 more minutes of ads for bro-bro-bros.

7:42: Christ have we had some awkward moments on this show. Monaghan excusing bad jokes by stating he’s reading them. Chiklis hoisting a hot woman in a short skirt back stage. What are these people paid to be there?

7:41: Yes, a fucking hobbit is on screen! Dominic Monaghan sounds like he gargles with razor blades. Is he trying to turn himself into a space marine? Forza 4 premier/ad.

7:36: Michael Chiklis is talking about Red Dead Redemption. Oh sweet relief, more music. I needed the break.

7:34: Is this over yet? I need a shower. I also need to quietly reflect on my hobby and whether or not it reflects me as a person. I don’t think I’m sweaty/gritty/angry/ripped enough for this stuff.

7:30 Time to hammer through some categories. Winners: Need for Speed, Scott Pilgrim, Mass Effect 2, Rock Band 3, DJ Hero 2. With all the ads, I guess they didn’t have time to give those categories any real screen time.

7:28: NPH is singing about dead game characters. Wow an NBA Elite joke that actually hit.

7:28: Breaking news! Portal 2 has been announced Most Anticipated Game. Something other than a total bro game! Oh wait, they’ve got a premier video for it. Now I understand.

7:26: Spike is now running ads for their programing inside their programing, talking about tie-in products. I think xzibit would have something to say about this.

7:23: Best Indie Game goes to Limbo.

7:22: Guillermo is on stage now! He’s talking intelligently! And insulting the bullshit promoted on the show! He just introduced a game he is working on called inSANE.

7:21: Harris is singing an Angry Birds song. Oh no, animal cruelty is about to commence. Uhh… yeah this is another awkward joke.

7:14: Tony Hawk has been dusted off for another go. He’s introducing Prototype 2.

7:10: Best Performance by a Human Male, presented by a woman who cannot read. Nominees are actor who isn’t there, actor who isn’t there, actor who isn’t there, actor who isn’t there, NPH, actor who isn’t there, and actor who isn’t there. NPH wins. Huh, I wonder how that happened.

7:09: Dane’s back. Woods, “Woody,” is the next character, from CoD.

7:07: Kratos and Hades are doing something. Frankly, I can’t even follow this show any more. I’ve lost the will to focus my eyes.

7:05: Hey, smack talk guy is now on stage and making masturbation and pot jokes.

7:04: What always astounds me about this show is that forumites across the internet get duped by the hype and tune in for all the game reveals that have been promoted. Then they actually watch the thing and it turns out to be the same poorly run bro-fest as always.

7:02: Finally, a custom Jeep for gamers. Just what I always wanted. Now I can crawl out of my man cave, four-wheel-it to the country, roll in some mud, slam brews, charm hotties, play catch with my dog, and game.

7:00: What the fuck is Dane Cook talking about now? Oh, John Marston of Red Dead Redemption.

6:59: Next world premier is Resistance 3. I can’t wait to exchange my hard earned dollars for all these AAA, well produced bro games. Soon everyone will see that I love mature games, which will translate into signs of my mature masculinity. Truly, saving the world from aliens over and over again, following scripted gameplay events, and shooting things while sporting a 5′o’clock shadow is the be-all end-all of this art form.

6:56: NPH and Olivia Munn are doing a between-award skit. Jokes written, jokes recited. Munn confesses to eating hotdogs to inspire boners.

6:54 Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Cast reciting jokes. They’re presenting best shooter. CoD Black Ops wins.

6:46: Moustache man confused on stage before video cuts in. Looks like the company’s next game is another Mass Effect. 3.

6:44 Pedo-stache alert. Talking BioWare.

6:44: Some guy talking back stage at trash talking. This is worth watching. I’ve seen more interesting commentary on YouTube broadcast from parents’ basements (mine).

6:40: Wow, Denise Richards is there. What ever happened to her? Oh! NPH is hosting, and he was in Starship Troopers with her. My Chemical Romance performing.

6:35: Let’s see: AC Brotherhood has a 91% on GameRankings. SMG2 has a 97%. Hmm.

6:33: Greatest Game Hero ad for Spike’s website just featured voice over work of woman pronouncing Samus as “Same-us.” Ugh.

6:32 Best action adventure game (braces for Nintendo robbery). Bro game, bro game, bro game, and Super Mario Galaxy 2 are up. Yeah, Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood just won.

6:31: Thor: God of Thunder is running on screen, and how (poorly).

6:30: Oh, Dane’s back. This time Kratos is the man meat being promoted for Character of the Year. Ah, female objectification is really getting this guy’s points across.

6:27: NPH making games-to-porn title jokes. Yeah, drunk.

6:26: Some curly haired dude is on stage surrounded by men cloaks. Oh, it’s for the world premier for Elder Scrolls V

6:19: I hate Dane Cook.Ah, he’s there intro embarrassing promos for the Character of the Year award. Talking Assassin’s Creed character. Ugh.

6:17: Olivia Munn is on The Daily Show now? Wow, I’m out of touch. Studio of the year goes to… BioWare. Oh, and the BioWare guys are actually there to thank their fans. Take a shower and have a coffee.

6:12: Here come the in-program commercials. Batman: Arkham City rolling now. Take a drink.

6:08: NPH shilling for Kinect hardcore. Crowd shot of Guillermo del Toro. More hints of legitimacy? Neil’s jokes sucking hard thus far. I think he’s drunk already.

6:06: Oh good, we’ve already been promised first looks by a pile of bro games. Prep your drinks.

6:05: Opening with a song and dance number by men in white tuxes. Trying to look legit, Spike? Oh, wait, NPH shows up and corrects that “misstep” with gunfire.

6:00: We’re three minutes away from the annual VGA disaster train. Watch this page for ongoing updates throughout the show.

Click here to view the rules for the official Shufflingdead VGA drinking game.

Image: SpikeTV Video Game Awards logo.

SpikeTV’s Video Game Awards will be airing 6pm Mountain time tonight. What I like to call “the annual abortion” will be hosted by living god Neil Patrick Harris, who has explained that this year’s sets will be digital, and that he plans on getting through the night by drinking. “I try to be as drunk as Dean Martin, that makes it all go away much faster,” says Harris. Wise words. That’s why we at Shufflingdead have decided to put together a set of drinking game rules for the evening, thus propelling the rest of us suckers through the night as well.

Remember, Shufflingdead will be live-blogging the event when it airs, so check back here later today.

Every time a new bro game is exclusively premiered, take a drink.

Every time a legitimate developer is given the chance to thank his or her fans, take a cold shower and have a coffee.

Every time a D-list celebrity pretends to know something about video games, take a drink.

Every time a rapper pretends to know something about video games, take two drinks.

Every time a bad nerd-reference joke is made, take a drink.

Start drinking when a presenter looks like he or she is about to bungle a bad nerd-reference joke, and don’t stop until that person has gone away.

Every time an award is obviously given to whoever paid the most for it, take a drink (note: this is every award).

If a publisher/developer is shown actually handing money over in exchange for an award, pour a forty out on your systems in memory of the industry you once loved.

Every time a celebrity-pandering award is given to whoever bothered to show up, take a drink.

Every time Nintendo is robbed of an award, take a drink.

Every time gamers are represented as stereotypical cave dwelling monsters, take a drink.

Every time lonely male gamers are insultingly pandered to with hot women for the sake of hot women, take a drink.

Every time an award in an entirely illegitimate category is given, finish your drink.

Image: Adapted from 765 – Tripping Pac Man – Pattern by Patrick Hoesly under a CC-BY license.

This guest post comes to you from the brilliant mind of sirbretly, who writes for CineBombs! Seriously, check out his site.

For just a moment, rewind your clocks to the year 1997 for the release of a game hailed by many as one of gaming’s most vaunted “artistic” creations: Final Fantasy VII. While the exact nature of FF7’s contributions isn’t something I really hope to discuss here (since I find my own perspective rather varying), I will say that it was a very ambitious story, carried through three discs and hours of gameplay. So, what was it that drove that narrative? Did it belong to the visuals that were (for the day) some of the most beautiful ever released? Was it due to the expansive soundtrack composed by series-veteran Nobuo Uematsu? Or was it due to the writing?

Well, you could say it was a combination of both things, but what I most remember is the narrative. Convoluted as it was, the story behind it all struck a chord, and now I find myself looking back in nostalgia at a game that actually gave me some surprises. Well, fast forward to 2001 for Final Fantasy X. Again, another epic storyline, convoluted with twists, but this time there was something different. There was some obstacle between me and the game that really left a sour taste in my mouth.

What was that, you ask? The voice acting.

With the continual expansion of console hardware and the inclusion of new features, it was only a matter of time before voice acting became a more prominent aspect of video games. Typically limited in use before this point, Square had done a good job of telling a narrative without speech of any kind in its cutscenes. Now, however, gamers were forced to suffer the incessant whining of the game’s protagonist Tidus, and the flat, Zanax-riddled voice of the summoner, Yuna. Mix in a few annoying accents and awkward pacing and you’ll see why (despite overall walking away having enjoyed the game) I thought something was amiss.

Well, like most, I think FF10 was my first real exposure to that much voice acting in a game, and also like most, I figured that it could only get better from there onward. Nine years later, I find myself setting aside a copy of Lunar: Silver Star Harmony and feeling the same way. This game, which is itself a recreation of a recreation, seems to have continued its trend towards sloppy, poor voice acting. And I find myself wondering, what if games like Final Fantasy VII or Chrono Trigger had been voiced as well? Looking back at Barrett’s string of censored profanity and clearly culturally stereotyped dialogue, I shudder at the thought.

I know it seems as though I’m focusing my attentions on RPGs, and that is true, mainly because it’s a genre that typically focuses a great deal on plot development and character interaction. They also feature some of the most dialogue heavy games on the market, where involvement with the game involves sympathizing with the protagonists.

You see, the transition to sound isn’t a simple conversion, and it certainly is far from complete at this point. Much like the revolution bringing silent movies into the realm of the aural, gaming is passing through a similar phase. As the genre fights for recognition on artistic and entertainment fronts, the natural progression has been toward cinematizing games. Look at the ratio of gameplay to cutscenes and you’ll see what I mean. Whereas the genre started out with fairly simple roots in action, there has been a gradual transition towards games of substance and story. The old style (now referred to as Casual gaming) has been replaced by the epic to some degree. And whether or not this change is good or bad or simply natural (the topic for another article entirely), we’ve now come to the point where the sound and voice-acting of gaming can’t be ignored.

Some franchises already got it right. Look to the Ratchet and Clank series for a stunning display of voice talent. I’ve yet to hear one line of that series which didn’t feel appropriate, and that isn’t due to dumb luck or innate talent. It comes from revisions and rewrites. And in a game such as Ratchet and Clank, where the dialogue is primarily limited to rendered cutscenes throughout the game, it’s not that difficult to revise until reaching perfection. In general, platform games have begun to ace the formula. But for those of us seeking the epic adventures and engrossment of a Role Playing Game, things are still a bit wonky.

Explore Bioware’s Dragon Age: Origins, and you’ll find a game that has begun to get it right. But even so, some of the side characters and conversations still ring false. And you might argue, “Well, it’s an enormous game, of course they might get something less than perfect.” And I can agree with that. I sympathize with the game creators, because I don’t pretend making something of that scope is easy or quick. Yet, if the goal of promoting video games as a form of art is ever to be taken seriously, then this is one realm where improvements must be made.

Voice-acting is an incredible talent, and giving voice to words only ever written before is a challenging prospect. In games that typically last anywhere from 30-60 hours, there’s an incredible amount of dialogue to be voiced, and by no means is it a cheap process. But in the same way that sound revolutionized the cinema, it will become a measure for separating the best games from the merely good. Proper voice work can’t continue to be confined to pre-rendered scenes. As we can commonly agree, when things are going good, we tend not to notice. But when they go wrong, everyone’s attention is centered upon the problem. Well, I’m hoping that as developers continue forward, they put the extra effort to blend the voice-work into the narrative seamlessly.

That, or perhaps the issues inherent in the “futuristic” technology of 3d-entertainment will overshadow any other complaints. One never knows.

Check out more from sirbretly at CineBombs!

Video Game Character Analysis is an ongoing series here at Shufflingdead in which I analyze the physical appearances of game characters. I have previously considered male and female human digital heroes. This time around, I will be looking at female furry abominations.

Let’s begin with Kongiku from Vanillaware presents: More People Should Play This Games: Muramasa: The Demon Blade. Kongiku is an “Inari Kitsune,” or fox deity, who hangs out at save stations in Muramasa and bounces her breasts in a mesmerizing fashion. I don’t know anything more about her role in the game since I started skipping dialogue fairly early on.

Kongiku is mainly human in appearance, and if I stare at her breasts long enough, her ears and tail fade into the background. If there really is a pro-fur agenda at work in the types of anthropomorphs seen in this article, then Kongiku is surely gateway fur. Looking mostly human means that it’s easier to be attracted to her, and easier to not feel guilty about that fact.

Although Kongiku’s kimono may be a little low-cut to be justifiable as anything other than sexualization for marketing, at least it makes sense for this largely human-looking furry abomination to be wearing human clothing.

This is Felicia from Capcom presents: Let’s Make a Niche Game: Darkstalkers: The Night Warriors, she has also appeared in many other Capcom fighting games. A glance at Wikipedia tells me that, according to the UDON Comics, Felicia is a struggling entertainer who grew up in a Catholic orphanage. She is a catgirl, and that has caused problems with her career. No explanation as to what causes a person to be part-cat, or why the world discriminates against such cross-breads is given.

Judging by the artwork on the right, I have to assume that anything that looks animal on Felicia is actually part of her body. That is to say, she’s got cat paws, cat ears, a cat tail, freaky were-cat feet, and convenient patches of fur on her naughty bits. Also, apparently, catgirls can have human hair in addition to cat hair.

I’ve just come to the realization that Felicia crosses an important boundary in human-animal permutations which justifies the use of the term “abomination” in describing these furry characters: she is completely naked. Think about that. If this catgirl did some waxing, you would be looking at a person with nasty hairless cat bits.

Rare takes the title of proving the most, and the worst, furry abominations in the video game industry for things like this stunning mostly-animal blend to the right. This is Candy Kong, from Rare presents: Good Graphics Make Up For Terrible Art Direction: Donkey Kong Country. Candy is Donkey Kong’s girlfriend (although they have the same last name), and just like Kongiku, her biggest role is as caretaker of her game’s save stations. Sexy ladies are an easy signifier to gamers that they are in a safe, home-like environment.

Candy’s appearance is not part-human as with the last two examples. Rather, her body is entirely monkey, but she is dressed in human fashion and has human-like posture. This makes any sexual attraction to the character a full-on committal to not just furrydom, but actual bestiality. Candy escapes total demonization from me thanks to an appearance too strange for most to consider actually attractive. Candy’s “hotness” is, I think, thankfully ironic.

No list of furry abominations would be complete without an example from the Sonic universe. This is Rouge the Bat from SEGA presents: We’re Not Trying Any More: Sonic Adventure 2. She is some kind of treasure hunter, listed as species “bat” by Wikipedia, and 18 years of age.

Although supposedly a bat, it seems obvious to me that Rouge is also part cat (I guess, she looks a lot like Sonic the Hedgehog too), and part human. From bottom to top, she’s got: oversized human (or maybe cat) feet and legs, human breasts, human arms and hands, bat wings, and a cat’s head.

As far as the wrongness of her sexualization goes, Rouge draws her power from the fact that she is a clumsy mess of characteristics which confuse human sexiness and animal cuteness. I can’t even begin to imagine where the character designers started. Was she always meant to be a bat? Or just a cat wearing little black wings like a goth chick? And did they always plan to give her human breasts, or were the tits clobbered on later at the demand of the marketing department?

Of course, Krystal from Rare presents: All Our Talent Left: StarFox Adventures had to make an appearance in this article. She is a 19-year-old fox creature from the destroyed planet of Cerinia, and a favourite among furry abomination lovers. Although she may be the only survivor of her race, she is a fox, and her appearance is similar to the other fox creatures of the StarFox games.

Like Candy Kong, Rare’s other entry in this article, Krystal is an example of true anthropomorphism. Biologically, she appears to be entirely fox, but has a roughly human build. She has no distinctly human parts. But unlike Candy, Krystal’s appearance is in no way ironic or goofy. She is a skillful bridging of animal cuteness and human hotness. She represents the ultimate test presented by fur promoters.

Welcome back to Games in Review! Today I’ll be reviewing RPG-Shooter, Borderlands for the Xbox 360.

Story

The story of Borderlands is blessedly simple: You’re a Treasure Hunter on the planet Pandora looking for a legendary find called The Vault. Nobody has ever been able to find The Vault, so of course no one can tell you what is inside, but many have speculated that The Vault contains spectacular riches, far-advanced technology, or anything else they’ve ever desired.

As a note, I was hoping for a secret harem. I was kind of right, but not in a good way.

Gameplay

When you begin the game, you take on one of 4 characters to control, each with his or her own unique skill set, proficiencies, and ability tree. Your choices are Hunter (for sniping and revolvers), Soldier (assault rifles and shotguns), Siren (SMGs), and Berserker (Fists and Rockets). You can obviously attempt to customize your characters, and it is often useful to steer away from the predetermined career paths in order to use some more effective weapons or round out your party if you are playing with friends. Your view is from first person, and you can level up your character in the menus to learn new abilities, gain stat boosts and critical hits, and otherwise customize your ass-kicking machine.

The game consists of many small quests of the usual variety: kill this, steal that, find these pieces of a new weapon, etc. Quests are activated either at designated terminals around the world or by talking to the often surly locals. You can simply push your way through the story, but it is extremely worthwhile to play as many of the optional side quests as you can for big payoffs of the experience, gold, and weaponry kinds.

You can play with a party of up to four friends, and the game will balance the difficulty based on the number of players involved. Luckily, the designers realized the tendencies of the internet and the bane of the infamous Leaver to online gamers. The game will automatically scale down the difficulty if a player leaves.

The gameplay is fairly straightforward, but it’s not a simple blast-through-everything type of game. There are many different armor types, weapon strengths and weaknesses, enemy strategies, and customizable abilities to be considered to even have a chance at success.

Combat is usually quite sudden and frantic, barely offering time to whisper “oh, shit”, making it extremely important to be as prepared as possible. If you or an ally is downed, that person can be revived by either getting in the killshot on an enemy for a self-revive (called a second wind), or be picked up by another player. If the timer expires, the character respawns at the last spawn point, usually leaving the team at a significant disadvantage, so know when to get the hell out of Dodge.

Graphics

All in all, pretty good. Environments are well rendered and engaging, and it really adds to the game’s Western-Comic Booky feeling. Not really much to complain about, but not groundbreaking either. Really cool stylized textures though. Nice to see something different.

Sound

Gotta give this one some good marks for sound. Between using pretty decent weapon and attack effects, effective ‘in danger’ combat music, and including Cage the Elephant’s ‘Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked’ as their overall theme song, Borderlands gains some points for me in the sound category. Even the voice acting was more than tolerable.

Overall

This game is worth the play. Other than a couple of annoying missions that my completionist compatriots and I embarked upon and a startlingly easy final boss, Borderlands delivered everything that was promised. Think Halo crossed with Diablo. Sounds pretty good, right? It is.

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Check out Shufflingdead’s video review of Borderlands.

Welcome back to Games In Review. Today, we’ll be reaching way back into my childhood to the ol’ SNES days and reviewing Super Mario RPG.

Story

The game starts out like any other Mario game: the Princess is missing, and it looks like Bowser is up to his old tricks again. After a bit of investigating, however, we discover that the true culprit behind all of the goings on is a villain named Smithy, a smith, who has somehow managed to put a stop order on all the wishes in the stars. If he isn’t stopped, nobody’s wishes will ever come true again…

Gameplay

As the title might imply, this is a Mario game, except it’s an RPG. The usual Mario linear world map applies, and each area is free movement until Mario gets into an encounter, followed by a turn-based battle to the death. I’ve gotta say, this game is full of Mario-themed fun. Lots of running, jumping, dodging enemies, and movement based mini-games; it’s a hell of a good time. Mario once again navigates the world with runs and jumps. This game was a refreshing change from the simple Mario platformers more common with the franchise to this point, as Mario was free to move in eight directions.

Mario is joined in combat by four friends: Princess Toadstool, Bowser, and two new characters; Geno and Mallow. Each has varying strengths, weaknesses, spells, etc. What is really different about this game is the Timed Hit functions. Each weapon has a method of timing to it that allows extra damage, what other RPGs usually deem a critical hit. This game allows you to, if you’re paying attention, constantly dump critical hits on your enemies. The spells work the same way after a fashion. You might have to press Y repeatedly, or hold Y to charge depending on the spell, but the game ends up being some button-mashing fun.

Graphics

For a Super Nintendo game, this game has amazing graphics. Well-rendered sprites abound and bounce around the screen and our heroic plumber’s frantic gait takes us past well-rendered environments. No grainy crap for this game.

Sound

Just what you would expect from Mario, the soundtrack is perfectly fitting for the game. It almost seems to fit the mood everywhere. From exploring the Mushroom Kingdom town to battling the Axem Rangers, Super Mario RPG manages to keep it’s sound on track throughout. Sound effects are the usual Nintendo bonks and smashes, but my only complaint is possibly the battle music. I found that it started to get old fairly quickly.

Overall

This game is beautiful, and an absolute treat to play. The story moves along quickly, and the game can be played through in a relatively short amount of time without missing anything important. The characters are fun, and the dialogue is certainly entertaining. And let’s not forget that this game introduced one of the most iconic characters of all time, the infamous Chef Torte. With all of the new-gen games on my shelf, I could easily sit myself down and play through this title again.

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Welcome once again to Games in Review, featuring reviews, evaluations, and general commentaries for games that I, Weskimo, have completed.

This week’s topic is a game that has brought me many hours of sport-oriented enjoyment, Mario Power Tennis for the Nintendo GameCube.

Story

Mario and his friends and enemies are back, and this time they’re competing in a Tennis tournament. That’s about it.

Gameplay

Much like you would expect, the game takes place on the tennis courts. The courts themselves present a load of variety as players have the option to play on regular courts, clay courts, or sometimes Mario universe-themed gimmick courts. Various game modes are available such as the main tournament campaign (in singles or doubles), exhibition games, and a couple of other game modes like Ring Shooting and Item Battle.

As far as controls go, they are pretty basic. Mario Power Tennis is a game you can literally pick up and have fun playing immediately. That being said, there is opportunity for mastery on the courts with regards to types of shots, angles, and super-duper Power Shots. Learning how to deliver a devastating drop shot at the right time can leave your opponents demoralized. And the game is always mixed up by Power Shots. These shots can be used to either blast though an opponent’s defense or to fly across the court for a diving save if you’re about to miss a hit. Easy to play, but practice does make perfect.

My only real problem with the controls is actually their simplicity. This game fell victim to a mild case of over-assigning keys to actions. To explain, this typically tends to rear its ugly head when the game gets confused with the type of shot you want. For example, while moving to take a shot, you might find yourself watching in dismay as the ball trickles past you because your character has stopping moving and is winding up for a smash shot (which takes a few seconds) instead of just taking a normal shot for the win. Most frustrating. The Power Shots also present a problem as there are no control differentials between the two types, so you might find yourself doing a lame save shot when you really wanted to ram the ball into their face with an attack shot.

Mario Power Tennis features 18 playable characters including the usual suspects: Mario, Luigi, Wario, Waluigi, Peach, Yoshi, etc. One character I was excited to see as a playable character is the mighty Wiggler, who is playable for the first time in any game. One big angry bastard.

As for how the characters are different, Nintendo went with its usual classes of characters, some of them being faster but weaker (Yoshi and crew), some being slower but stronger (DK, Bowser and company), and some being average all-around players (Mario and Luigi). Very Mario Kart-esque, but not at all unpleasant. Players can choose the character that best fits their play style.

The best part of this game is, hands-down, the multiplayer. GameCube’s usual 4-player chaos reigns supreme on the courts of Mario Power Tennis, and it is glorious. I’ll testify right now that you can spend hours locked in a desperate struggle for victory with a few friends hammering furiously on the A button and smacking controllers out of each other’s hands.

Graphics

Gamecube’s textures at their finest, everything looks clear, lots of bright colors and rounded edges that you’ve come to expect from Mario games. Characters are animated to Nintendo’s usual standards and a handy colour effect gets added to the ball on a lot of shots to tell you what kind of shot is coming your way.

Sound

Nothing to write home about, but nothing negative either. Your basic Mario sound effects, monkey grunts, Italian plumber whoops, ditsy princess squeals, etc. They do have a rather enjoyable effect for hitting the ball that is pretty satisfying, though. Pretty standard BGM too.

Overall

Despite a few control flaws and some fairly meaningless gimmicks and bonus modes, this game’s multiplayer appeal shines through. This is a fairly fantastic game, good for some light gaming on your own or if you’re looking for another outlet to let your friends know how much you hate them. Definitely some good times to be had with this title.

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The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is frequently referred to as the greatest video game of all time, and rightfully so. Ocarina brought Hyrule to life with stunning polygonal graphics and revolutionary controls. Now, nearly 12 years since its release, comes word that this beloved game is being remade for the Nintendo 3DS.

With the madness of E3 2010 receding into the past, it’s time to take a hard look at Ocarina of Time in its original form, assess the hints we’ve been given so far with regards to its 3DS remake, and ponder the possibilities. What follows is my wishlist for the upcoming 3DS version of Ocarina of Time.

1. Modernize the menus

Ocarina of Time is guilty of only one major flaw. Its menus are truly sluggish. The game’s director, Eiji Aonuma, even admitted this when he announced the 3DS remake of the game at E3. Aonuma apologized for how long it took to switch the Iron Boots on and off in the game’s infamous Water Temple, and declared that the process would be made easier in the new version.

Aonuma’s comments are the biggest hint we have that Ocarina‘s outing on 3DS will be more of a remake than a quick port, and they’ve got me hoping for a serious menu retooling. Entering the game’s pause screen was always a chore thanks to a strangely slow load time (even more so on the GameCube Collector’s Edition disc), and navigating around them once entered became tedious as the game wore on thanks to issues exactly like the Iron Boot equipping/unequipping.

This issue should be easy enough to fix considering the 3DS’s processing capabilities and the system’s touch screen lending itself to easy menu use.

As an aside: can we have skippable cutscenes? Please?

2. Fix the damn Water Temple

Ocarina of Time’s Water Temple is so infamous it’s earned a place on Urban Dictionary, nonetheless, the necessity of its fixing demands mention one more time. There’s just something about that dungeon, something beyond the Iron Boots issue, something to do with its layout, something to do with keys used in the wrong places, that makes it an immense headache for players.

I don’t know exactly what needs to be done, probably a retooling of key placements or a simplifying of the central water-level rising/lowering puzzle that needs to be changed.

3. Increase the framerate, smooth out the animations

The initial screenshots released for the new version of the game demonstrate that it will feature improved graphics. Link is rendered with far greater detail than he was back on the N64, and the game’s environments appear to have gotten a polish as well. That all sounds great to me, and I’m sure 3D effects will do wonders for improving the look of the game, but Ocarina‘s graphics were never an issue.

Hopping between Ocarina and Majora’s Mask gives a pretty clear indicator of what was done with the RAM expansion pack. In Majora’s Mask, Link’s movements are significantly smoother, both because of improved animations and an increased framerate. This is another issue which should be easily taken care of thanks to the hardware power of the 3DS.

4. Fix and finish the sidequests, then add more

Ocarina of Time had a significant development time, and ultimately, things had to get cut in order for the game to ever be released. As such, it has some fairly famous loose ends, including that damn mailman who challenged you to a race, and could then never be beaten.

I’d like to see sidequests like the mailman’s finished up, and then more added. Ocarina actually has very few optional sidequests if you think about it. Aside from the quest for the Biggoron Sword, and the tedious Poe collecting you do as adult Link, most of the sidequesting is left to young Link, and his work with The Happy Mask Shop. I want to see adult Link given just as much, if not more, to do than young Link.

5. Give us the Bomber’s Notebook!

With more sidequests comes more to keep track of. This new OoT could use an equivalent of Majora’s Mask‘s Bomber’s Notebook to keep it all organized. All of the collecting you do in the game (hearts, Poes, and Gold Skulltulas) could also be kept neatly organized in there as well. I’m envisioning a tab just for Gold Skulltulas listing how many you’ve got left to get in each area.

6. Greater rewards for greater tasks

One complaint often leveled against the 3D Zeldas has been that they don’t give you much for your efforts. In Ocarina, for example, you’re tasked with collecting 100 Gold Skulltulas, and your reward is nothing but a big pile of rupees you don’t really need. I’d like to see the remade version introduce a number of completely optional items doled out for completing tasks like that. Several more swords, maybe some weapon upgrades, and a few magical wands (a la Link to the Past) would do the trick. Oh yeah, put the Bug Catching Net in there as well!

7. Add more hidden areas

During his roundtable at E3, Aonuma asked who had played Ocarina of Time. Everyone there put his or her hand up.

Perhaps the biggest thing working against an OoT remake is the fact that gamers have played the original, and played it again, and again, and again. What Nintendo needs to do is keep those kinds of people interested by mixing the new with the old. Part of the charm of this new game will surely be all the memories it brings back, but in order to live up to the original, it will need to surprise players as well.

I want to get sidetracked finding new areas, exploring new caves, and hunting down mini-bosses I’ve never seen before. I’m not asking for anything major, just enough to keep me from going through the motions by rote.

8. One more collect-a-thon for good measure

Sure, you’ve already got the Poes and Gold Skulltulas on top of the usual heart container search, but I’d like one more excuse to travel the lands of Hyrule. How about a Wind Waker style Pictograph figurine mission?

Actually, forget that, give us that Bug Catching Net mentioned earlier, scatter some golden bugs around, Twilight Princess style, and let players rediscover the vast world of Ocarina of Time.

9. That extra content from the 64DD version

Zelda fanatics have long discussed what was hidden away in that long lost 64DD Ocarina of Time remix, or Ura Zelda, Nintendo was working on. It is said to have been completed, and some claim the Master Quest offered as a preorder bonus for Wind Waker wasn’t the whole thing. Sure, the remixed dungeons were nice, but wasn’t there supposed to be added content, like extra dungeons? Wasn’t the extra space offered by the 64DD supposed to have been put to good use with this thing?

Give Zelda fans what they want, give them the total Ocarina of Time package that was teased for so long and which never completely materialized.

10. Include a second quest!

This seems to come up every time there’s talk of a new Zelda. Players want the excitement they had the first time they beat the original Legend of Zelda and discovered an entire second game waiting for them. Lucky for Nintendo, a second quest for Ocarina already exists, I’ve already mentioned it, it’s called Master Quest.

Come on Nintendo, take the remixed dungeons that already appeared in that special version of the game, double the damage everything deals, and make that into a second quest that becomes available once the regular game has been beaten.

Images: Copyright Nintendo.

Here we are, looking back at E3 2010, and it’s safe to say Nintendo’s conference was a stunner. I’m a little surprised at how well my predictions went down, considering how hopeful they were. I managed to score 10/50. Have a look below to see what I got right.

Original article:

June 15, 2010 will see Nintendo launch a new era, that’s for certain. We already know that the company will be showing off the 3DS and, most likely, Zelda Wii, but the highly secretive company hasn’t said much else. Being just 10 days from the historic moment, and unable to contain my excitement any longer, I’ve decided to throw together my official predictions for Nintendo’s E3 2010 conference.

I’ve divided my predictions into two sections: DS/3DS and Wii. Each section is ranked from most likely to happen to least likely.

3DS and DS Predictions

1. 3DS unveiled
2. Reggie pulls 3DS out of his pocket
3. 3rd party launch lineup for 3DS focuses on pastel colours and hobbies for 10 year old girls
4. Iwata flops his hands around while touting the potential of 3D
5. I ignore Cammie Dunaway while she explains upcoming murder mystery 3DS game
6. Next Professor Layton is coming to North America
7. Pokémon Black and White are shown
8. Pokémon Black and White are 3DS enhanced
9. Golden Sun DS is now for 3DS
10. $199
11. 3DSWare announced
12. replacing DSiWare
13. handheld equivalent of Virtual Console announced
14. Mario Kart 3DS
15. Miyamoto proclaims the dawn of a new era
16. All hail Miyamoto
17. Believers will rise to heaven (just like DS)
18. Nintencats for 3DS
19. New Super Mario Bros. 3DS
20. StarFox 3DS
21. 3DS’s graphical powers are beyond the Wii’s
22. 3G downloads mean 3DSWare anywhere
23. handheld Virtual Console will include Virtual Boy games
24. 3DS downloads are linked to a transferable account, rather than hardware
25. Metroid Dread

Wii Predictions

1. Zelda Wii is shown
2. Reggie doesn’t say “ass” but he slyly makes reference to it
3. Miyamoto announces he is not Link, but he does know him
4. Metroid: Other M is shown again, audience gets bored
5. Sin & Punishment 2 is shown yet again, audience gets even more bored
6. charts and graphs out the ass, audience nods off
7. new Wii bundle is shown, audience snoring audible
8. Cammie talks Wii Party, audience is awake, filled with anger
9. Super Punch-Out!! Wii announced, audience regains composure
10. Pikmin Wii shown, audience won over
11. Iwata unleashes the Vitality Sensor
12. it’s coming packaged with Wii Fit Plus Plus
13. Eternal Darkness resurrected, new game will use Vitality Sensor
14. 3rd party games given 10 second sizzle reel
15. new model of Wii Remote has built in Wii MotionPlus
16. F-Zero Wii
17. StarFox Wii
18. Kirby Wii
19. we actually see something from Retro Studios
20. it’s Kid Icarus
21. we actually see something from NST
22. it’s Wave Race 3
23. Virtual Console to no longer suck
24. Wii HD
25. Firmware update “unlocks” data, allows you to link it to an account rather than a system

This article was originally posted June 5, 2010.

Welcome once again to Games in Review, featuring reviews, evaluations, and general commentaries for games that I, Weskimo, have completed.

This week, I decided to go with 2008′s tactical RPG Operation Darkness for the XBox 360.

Story

I was really quite interested in the story of this game. It bases itself around World War II, visiting cities, events and battles of the war. Through the eyes of a British SAS squad, it creates a sideline story around the general progression of the war, including, most notably, the secret world of Vampires and Werewolves.  You get to kill Nazis AND use Werewolves to kill Vampires!?  Sign me up.

Your main character is Edward (no, he’s not a vampire), a young man from London. He joined the British Army to get some of his own back after a German attack killed his parents and his sister. His best friend Jude, his dead sister’s fiance, joins along with him. During a mission, their squad gets wiped out, and Edward is wounded. He is spared only by the timely appearance of James Gallant, leader of a special forces unit, who saves Edward’s life with a blood transfusion. But surprise! Gallant is a werewolf, and though his blood does not make Edward a true werewolf, some of the lycanthropic magic manifests itself in him. Unsurprisingly, Edward and his friend Jude are transferred to the “Wolf Pack”, a Special Forces unit of supernaturals, and are quickly dragged into the behind-the-scenes war between the Wolf Pack and the Blood Clan.

Gameplay

Not that pop culture needed another vampire versus werewolf entry, but given the recent increase of lycan and blood-sucker popularity, as well as Nazi killing being the central point to the game, I thought that this game would be at the very least playable. I was wrong.

The game’s basic layout is like any other tactical RPG. Combat takes place on a square-based checkerboard grid. Characters have movement speeds and attack ranges based on those squares to measure distance, and move at a turn-based rate. The game has features that aren’t seen in a lot of other tactical RPGs, like destructible terrain, and a rather innovative Cover System, effectively allowing players to bypass their usual wait time between actions, if they’re willing to devote the attention to learning the system and designating specific actions for the units to take. The Cover System can create a huge advantage if used correctly, allowing your units to move or attack as a unit under certain conditions, regardless of their turn status. It also lets you set up ambushes, having your characters all open fire on one poor sonofoabitch who walks the wrong way. 

Another thing that I liked about combat was that when you drop enemies, you can raid their body for a resupply of ammo, health, grenades, or new weapons immediately, rather than waiting for the end of combat and just getting a list of the spoils of war. Some of the game’s better weapons can only be found in this manner, so if you find yourself playing this game, get in the habit of robbing corpses.

This is where the game’s decent gameplay points end.

The first thing I’d like to touch on is the character advancement. The characters are forced to develop on a totally linear path, having proficiencies in specific weapons, and gaining new powers and stats at specific levels. Characters have one purpose each, end of story. Which, in and of itself, is not necessarily a bad thing. But by combining that with the slow pace and huge battlefields, it leads to the characters with the skills you need never being anywhere near where you need them. This tends to lead to some painful level grinding to buff up your characters to be able to withstand the beatdown they will no doubt receive.

Now, on to the characters themselves. You have one, count ‘em, ONE decent magic-user. In a largely magic-based combat game, this leaves you at an extreme disadvantage. Put the fact that all enemy magic is not based on line-of-sight, while all of the magic from your only competent magic-user is completely line-of-sight based… well. That sucks. Your forces are in a constant state of panic, no matter how well you lay out your battle plans.

Two of your characters can turn into Werewolves. Great, right? Werewolves are tough!  They’re sure to be able to rip some Nazis apart!  Then you realize that every action that they, or any unit on the battlefield, take drops their charge gauge and they quickly revert to their previous level of suck. This INLCUDES enemies! So the more people on the battlefield, the more useless your magic is. Fantastic. But going lycanthropic has its uses later in the game, as the enemies get stronger and fewer and your characters have a higher energy gauge, the damage boost of turning wolf is truly necessary to take out some of the bigger enemies and vehicles.

Oh, oh, and what if a character gets knocked out because they got gang-raped by 3 magic-users at the start of the battle? Game over. Enjoy that. It will happen often. There are, at the very least, 3 of your party on the field at any given time that cause instant game over if they are KO’d. As to your other characters, if the battle ends while they are KO’d, they DIE! You lose them, the end. And there is ONE character who has ONE spell that can bring an ally back from KO’sville. He is slow, weak, and has no offensive abilities worth more than a sheet of wet toilet paper.  Good luck making use out of him.

Let’s talk about the out-of-combat menus for a second. Your units tend to use, in the normal course of action, around 10 or so healing medpacks per battle. They all also probably use an ammo reload or two, or a grenade or three. So, at the end of your battles, you need to go to the store, and buy each item again, individually (can’t have those damn Brits buying in multiples! They might want a discount or something!). The items must then be equipped on each character once again. Each character’s loadout affects their movement speed and distance, as well as their attack ranges. As I said above: stick to what they were made for, trying to get them doing something useful in combat beyond that just isn’t worth it.

Touching again on the layout of combat; fuck combat. This game has some of the most frequent situational disadvantages I’ve ever seen. Winning a fight? Incoming tank. Hoping against hope that you have enough explosives to take it out before it runs over one of your main characters (that instant Game Over thing), you can basically count on a troop of magic-fueled zombies or skeletons to show up and ruin your day. Any of these things frequently tack themselves on to the end of your already 45-minute torturous ordeal and end it in several seconds, forcing the player to do it all over again. Important battles can often take five or more attempts. Tedious.

Graphics

The graphics on this game are actually okay. Decent representations on the battlefield with anime-type images to support dialogue really work pretty well for the game. The terrains look good, weapon effects don’t glitch, and the characters look pretty half-way decent. Graphically, it does what it is supposed to, which is pretty tolerable, but nothing special, and definitely below par for the XBox 360. Until they tried to animate dragons, that is…

Sound

Decent sound effects, but overall, nothing special. Lackluster explosions, repetitive magic and weapon effect sounds, and fairly average voice acting leaves the sound noticeable, but noticeably lacking in anything that would strongly contribute to the game.

Overall

This game kind of sucks. Despite the semi-cool story premise and entertaining demo, the game just does not do what you expect that it should. It had a cool basis and brought a couple of newer ideas to the table, but everything that could go wrong with this game did go wrong. It just wasn’t fun. They tried to compel the player with a couple of barely-developed, half-explained love interests and a large-breasted character with a hot Irish accent, but it just didn’t make the cut. I could go on forever about how often this game drops the ball, but I think I’ll just end this review here. Operation Darkness definitely makes my list of games that I’ve beaten just to satisfy my completionist obsessions. Great time waster, though. If you’ve got 60+ hours to spare and want to entice yourself into throwing your XBox out a window, pick up Operation Darkness.

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Welcome to Games in Review, Shufflingdead’s newest semi-regular segment! Games in Review will feature a review, evaluation, and general commentary for games that I, Weskimo, have completed.

I’ve been trying to decide which game to make my topic for my first written review for a while now, and I finally decided that it only makes sense to use one of my favorite games. This is also to partially dispel the idea that Shufflingdead only reviews games to dump on them and piss off as much of the internet as possible. Well, fanboys, good news. I don’t hate Suikoden.

Story

Suikoden is a fairly standard RPG released in 1996 for the PlayStation. The story follows the path of the son of a famous Imperial General, General Teo. The hero starts to work for this empire like his father, and quickly finds himself confronted by cruelty, corruption, and betrayal. After only 2 days under imperial payroll, he’s on the run from the law, with only a pair of bodyguards to aid him. Desperate, he enlists himself with an underground resistance movement and winds up as the leader of a major rebellion against the empire that his friends and family serve so loyally.

Gameplay

I’ve already stated that Suikoden is one of my favorite games. What I love about it is that it ranges from infantile simplicity to the involved complexity of a traditional RPG. And I do not mean to say that you will be trucking along and all of a sudden have no idea what is going on. Suikoden manages to blend everything together in a way that lets an experienced gamer customize his party’s actions, but also lets a first-timer just pick up and play.

Combat is straightforward, if a little on the simplistic side. Each character is allotted one Rune slot, which will allow him magical abilities like spells or stat increases. Your party consists of a front and back row, and each character is strong in one or the other. When the front characters start to fall, the back characters shift up closer into the fray. This system allows the player to edit how his group will perform in combat. Confident that your front three characters can deliver the beatdown? Toss in a back row full of high-damage long range characters to speed things up. Think you might take some extra damage in the front ranks on this dungeon? Load up with healers, or some middle ranged characters who won’t be lost if they have to take up a front rank slot. Oh! And one of the most fun aspects of the battles is that all of your character and enemy actions occur at the same time, allowing combos and unity attacks every round, which can change depending on your party’s makeup and abilities!

There are three types of battles. The first is described above, the typical RPG, my party attacks the enemy party, let’s see who wins. The second is a duel-type scenario. Several events in the story will cause two characters to duel in an all-out one-on-one battle. The game lets these duels play out in a paper-rock-scissors type of gameplay, where you can attack, defend, or perform a special move. The third type is the full-scale war type battle. In raising a rebellion, the hero will sometimes come across an army that needs stomping. When the two armies clash, it is once again played out in the paper-rock-scissors style, melee defeating archers, archers defeating magic, and magic defeating melee. The game also throws in a few special attacks and abilities during this type of combat, like spies, thieves, or dragon knights.

The story rapidly advances so that the player does not find himself thinking that “is it over yet?!” question. Dungeon movement is rapid, you will rarely find yourself plodding along down long corridors to nothing. And one of the best parts of the game is the balancing. You will NOT have to level-grind. Enemies in new areas are more difficult, but not in to an insurmountable degree like some games (I’m looking at you, Star Ocean).

One of the other story elements that is fun to play with is the recruitment. A large portion of the plot focuses around the “108 Stars of Destiny”, and each character you recruit represents a star. That means that there are 108 recruit-able characters! As you recruit, characters will give you bonuses, opening shops in your castle, bringing in new items, helping you in combat, or even to recruit more new characters. The downside to this is that you have roughly 60 combat-able bodies, and only 6 available combat slots. Also, your out-of-party members do not gain experience, often leaving them anywhere from 5-20 levels behind! Luckily, the game’s balancing of experience is very good as well, and your characters will be mostly caught up if you just toss on a little equipment and baby them for 2-3 battles.

Another feature worth noting is Suikoden‘s length. Most RPGs of its time clocked out somewhere between 40 and 60 hours, making them a serious undertaking, and at times even a chore. Suikoden‘s story can be pounded through in under 20 hours! And though the story is simplistic, you won’t find it lacking at all because of the hours logged. That being said, there is a lot you’d be missing if you just blaze through, a lot of people to meet and places to see, but even after you’ve totally completed the game, you’ll still be under 30 hours. Suikoden makes for light gameplay with the traditional RPG feel.

Graphics

Not much to write home about by today’s standards, basic grainy sprite animation that was pretty common in the mid-90s. Some of the spell effects are decent, but the sprites in the full-scale war battles are truly awful to behold. Character dialogue is accompanied by clear anime-type faces to go with the characters and their moods, which adds to the game significantly. Level designs are clear and detailed though.

Sound

Background music soundtrack is EXCELLENT. One thing you are guaranteed to notice about this game is the music. It is all very well orchestrated and usually fits the mood extremely well. Combat sounds are a series of crashes, bashes, and pops that fit well with the graphical design of the game. Combat sounds change depending on the type and the element of the attack. The only sound complaint I have is that the actual combat BGM can be a bit tiresome after a long dungeon.

Overall

Great game. Can’t say it enough. Memorable characters, light but immersive gameplay, and a fantastic soundtrack, Suikoden will not be a regretted gaming experience. A playthrough of Suikoden can be anything you want it to be.

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Recently, former Digital Illusions Creative Entertainment (DICE) co-founder, and head of Antic Entertainment Fredrik Liliegren garnered serious criticism when he called the Wii a “virus.” That included Shufflingdead, we made him our Shameful Human of that week.

Mr. Liliegren has agreed to an interview with Shufflingdead with the hopes of clarifying his comments.

I think your initial comment about the Wii being a “virus” has been taken out of context by many. Can you clear up what you meant by that term specifically?

The analogy that I used stating the Wii is like a virus, was in reference to how I think a lot of the sales of Wii Systems has happened. I think a lot of people showed up at someone’s house, they had the Wii out and played some games (most likely Wii Sports) thought “wow this is cool and different!” and went out and bought one, played a few rounds of Wii sports, possibly with some other friends whom did the same thing, Looked at it and said “wow this is cool and different!” and went and bought one as well. So the Virus spreads, but it’s not that contagious, because most of these people viewed the Wii as a Toy and bought it as a Toy not a games machines, thus have not continued to play with it other than occasionally, and most likely have not bought any “serious” games or many other games for it (hence the small tie ratio for Wii software).

In your “Wii is a Virus!” post on your blog, you say the Wii is “more of a toy then a Games machine,” but you also acknowledge that the system has some great games. What is the difference between a toy that plays games and a games machine?

Once again it’s in the perception of the buyer where the reference is done. The Wii is viewed but a lot of Wii Owners as a Toy, something you take out and play with occasionally, it was never bought to be a Games machine, something you engage with more focused and on a more frequent basis. I think that’s why a lot of more traditional “games” has failed miserably on the Wii cause the audience is not interested in that experience. The problem is that the experience they might be interested in is much harder to market.

How would you feel about developing games for the Wii? Do you consider the system riskier for small developers than other systems because of its more “casual” base?

I would develop on the Wii if I had the financial backing of someone else and an IP I thought was attractive to the “mass” consumer that the Wii has attracted. We have considered the Wii for some of our own internal IP but not yet reached the conclusion that it would be worth the financial risk. I do think that the opportunity is greater for a smaller game developer on the Wii then the other platforms due to its lower barrier of entry but on the other hand it is harder targeting that consumer with your marketing and PR.

The expectation of ever-higher production values, especially on HD consoles, seems to be a real hindrance for small developers. Are the perceptions of PS3 and 360 owners not also an issue?

To a certain extent but then you have titles like castle crashers that did phenomenally well, So to a certain extent I think you have two levels of quality the Boxed product quality and the online only quality. And as with all markets, once they start getting big enough they will attract bigger players that can raise that quality bar, and thus the push out the smaller developers. The same thing is now happening on the Social game scene as well when EA (Playfish), Zynga etc can throw large amounts of money at a product and just make it look and feel and play better, thus competition is now fierce in that space as well.

You contend that many traditional games have failed on the Wii due to the system’s “mass” audience, but I’ve long felt that such games have struggled because publishers and developers don’t put the same kind of money and effort into their Wii games that they do for other systems. For example, the system often receives spin-offs and ports of old games rather than new entries in popular franchises. Do you see this as also being a part of the problem?

It’s a little bit of a chicken and egg problem, people see that a lot of titles do not sell much at all (mostly because they suck!) so they feel hesitant to risk a lot of cash on an unproven thing so they do another me to product or simply don’t invest enough into their title to lift it above the competition. There is always opportunity available for a high production quality product to stand out if you are willing to take the risk BUT (and it s a big but) you have to really know your audience and how to communicate your product offering to them, which is the hard part on the Wii.

What is the future of gaming? Is it browser-based or downloadable?

I believe gaming as a broad market (package gods, MMO, Casual, Iphone, Browser, social) has never been in a better shape as a creator, there are just so many avenues right now to put a product in front of people it’s crazy. I think we are finally seeing the major shift onto digital media (distribution) and Social and Mobile (consumption), I don’t think next gen major titles are going to go away, but the growth moving forward I believe is in Web based development (be it Social or portal based) as well as Mobile (Iphone). The business model that will in the end rule it all is Free-2-Play with micro transactions. Why? because the gap in experience between a paid upfront and free 2 play title will only narrow, so a user that can get experience A for free versus the slightly better paid for experience B will choose in greater numbers experience A due to its lower barrier of entry (aka free).

Let’s talk about Antic Entertainment. From a design perspective, what does “casual games for the hardcore player” mean?

it means offering the high quality play experience from the console space that is considered hardcore and serving it up to the users in a casual play setting (short play cycles, free 2 play) on the web or on mobile devices.

Tell us about Junk Battles!

Junk: battles is our launch title for Antic Entertainment. It’s a free 2 play, web absed product available at www.junkbattles.com. In short it’s about Collecting, Building and battling. You collect parts or “junk” in our world thru different play mechanics and with these parts you construct different vehicles with different abilities, you then take these vehicles into the world to do PvP battles, questing etc to gain rank, level and fame and fortune!

I’d like to thank Fredrik for taking time out of his busy schedule to clarify his comments. I think this has been a great insight into the mind of a game developer. To my readers: how do you feel about the “Wii is a virus” comment now? Still bothered by it?

Hidden by the long shadow of the PS2, two other company’s consoles eked out their lives. Microsoft nurtured a small but deadly force for evil under the X-Box banner which would mature six years later and be called the 360. Nintendo kept quality gaming alive with its GameCube and GameBoy Advance systems, carefully plotting revenge against the game industry’s interlopers.

Microsoft’s November 2005 attack seemed to be the stuff of madness: each 360 was designed to fail, and precious resources were wasted crashing against Sony’s impregnable Japanese stronghold. Nevertheless, the 360 managed to strike hard at Sony’s North American operation and wound Sony deeply. Nintendo worked from within Japan to weaken Sony through the handheld front: the DS launched in November of 2004 and quietly began to heal the Sony infected. Two years later, Nintendo would make its true intentions clear with one of the most honourable acts in gaming history. They forged a godslayer console called Wii, and in November of 2006, the struck Sony down, ending the reign of the PS2 and easily casting aside Sony’s puny counterattack, the PS3.

With Sony gone, Nintendo has spent the remainder of the decade battling Microsoft. Although untouchable in Japan, Nintendo continues to deal with the brainwashed American gamers and their lust for bald space marines.

Best System of the Decade: Nintendo DS

In the 2000s, Nintendo released numerous impeccable systems, but the DS, with its deep library of innovative games, stands tallest. Onlookers lacking in respect for Nintendo’s divine vision at first questioned the design decisions of the system. With two screens, a touch screen, and a microphone, the DS was like nothing before it, but Nintendo’s team of worship-worthy game designers found exciting new gameplay in every corner.

Whether it was drawing on maps in Zelda, blowing off sludge in Mario Kart, or tapping for speed in Kirby, gamers witnessed the definition of fun wherever Nintendo took them on the DS.

Worst System of the Decade: X-Box 360

The evil of the PS2 is undeniable, but at least the console succeeded in part because of quality, rather than pure market manipulation. I have selected the 360 as the worst system of the decade because a system’s value is ultimately decided by its software library and hardware reliability.

The 360 is host to nothing but the worst in gaming: a library of overhyped, uninspired shooters featuring muscle-bound, shaved head space marines with a lust for alien blood. The system is designed for 20-something-year-old men with too much money, desperate to prove their own masculinity. They have been trained by Microsoft to replace designed-to-break 360s as frequently as every few months, just to play games with perceived manliness like Gears of War.

Best Game of the Decade: Super Mario Galaxy

It goes without saying that the best game of the decade should go to something made by Nintendo. The developer has spent the decade innovating with a stream of brilliantly crafted systems and games. The Nintendo systems of the decade, the GameCube, GBA, Wii, and DS all did their share in fighting the war against thick-necked fratboy influence. However, as I have argued, it was the Wii which ultimately took back the industry and reintroduced quality to the masses.

Super Mario Galaxy was released in 2007 and proved to the world that Mario was still one of the great game franchises around, it was fun to play, fun to look at, and oozed innovative gameplay from every mushroom and Star Bit. Galaxy was Nintendo’s startling, revolutionary pronouncement to the world: “motion controls are here, they work, they’re awesome, and space marines can fucking suck it.”

Worst Game of the Decade: Halo: Combat Evolved

Released on my seventeenth birthday, way back in 2001, Halo: Combat Evolved legitimized that absurd Microsoft venture known as the X-Box. Through sheer marketing force, this uninspired Goldeneye clone snowballed through popular consciousness to become something revered, buzzed about, and sought after. It kept the X-Box alive for months while nothing else of note came out for the system, and allowed Microsoft to slowly grow mindshare for its console among frat boys and all the other morons of North America.

The game has done more to damage the industry than any other. It was the lone agent which infiltrated the industry for Microsoft, propped the door open, and waved all of its space-marine buddies in for one destructive party. It created today’s standard for “hardcore” (that is to say, idiot-approved) games: a big budget, space marines, guns, and unoriginal gameplay.

]]> http://shufflingdead.com/articles/games/the-2000s-in-games.php/feed 0 http://shufflingdead.com/articles/games/the-future-of-gaming.php http://shufflingdead.com/articles/games/the-future-of-gaming.php#comments Fri, 21 Aug 2009 04:20:10 +0000 Newbs http://shufflingdead.com/?p=1518 As an avid console gamer, I like to keep up on what the future holds for my favourite industry. I’ve compiled several ideas, all very real, which console makers have recently patented, and I would like to use this article to ruminate on the possibilities of each of these innovations.

Nintendo’s Gamer Assist

Source: Computer-readable storage medium patent

Explanation: With this patent, Nintendo hopes to make their already laughably easy Legend of Zelda games even easier by allowing gamers to view clips illustrating the steps necessary for progression in the games when they become stuck. The image makes it obvious that Zelda is in mind for use with this technology, and actually, other images included in this filing reference the name of a game called “Legend of OO.”

Potential: I think this idea has great potential. Despite what I said earlier, it allows Nintendo to actually up the difficulty of its games without worrying that inexperienced gamers would find them too hard. Additionally, this will hopefully be the end of my tendency to become frustrated by some completely obvious puzzle from early on in each Zelda game.

Will it actually be released? Definitely. This technology is reportedly included in New Super Mario Bros. Wii, coming out Christmas 2009.

Sony’s Emotion Detector

Source: Sony Patents Emotion Detecting Software For Games

Explanation: With this technology, Sony seeks to create games which respond to the emotions of the user. A microphone and camera detect the sounds and movements of the player, and in return, the system may come to better understand its human master. Although the PlayStation 3 may ultimately know why you cry, it will never itself be capable of crying.

Potential: Sony doesn’t need to study their consumers to know what makes them laugh, they’ve already got humour nailed down. Look, just look, at that damn image. A man turns a crank which powers a self-ass-kicking machine. Ha Ha Ha. Having said that, I think this idea has a lot of potential. Interactive story telling is something which has never been properly explored in gaming and this could certainly be used to help in that regard.

Will it actually be released? The threat of Natal looms large for Sony, so I’m going to say yes.

Nintendo Edutainment

Source: New Nintendo patent “Edutainment”?

Explanation: I’m not entirely certain how Nintendo can patent what amounts to a series of edutainment mini-games, but that’s what’s detailed in this patent. In some instances, a child plays matching games using recognizable Nintendo mascots. In the image displayed here, a child learns about making his damn bed because mommy was out late last night and now she has to call a cab for her bed-jumping buddy. With this technology, a child may actually learn from Mario’s example as he acts out the process of making a bed. When I was a child, the only thing I learned from Mario was to avoid banana peels while driving a go-cart.

Potential: I could see kids playing this.

Will it actually be released? Not only will it be released, it will sell 4 million copies, and I’m not being hyperbolic.

Nintendo Horse Riding

Source: Nintendo’s Patented Horseback Riding Wii Controller

Explanation: This device attaches to the Wii Remote to simulate horseback riding. When sketching this idea, Nintendo felt they should attempt to be inclusive and use a little person as a model. Unfortunately, they were unable to resist demeaning him, and depicted their model wearing toddler’s clothing while riding a horsey. Either that, or the artist forgot that baldness does not regularly inflict six year olds.

When I was a kid, I had to defend my Super Nintendo and its “sweat rather than blood” version of Mortal Kombat. When I was a teenager, I had to defend my GameCube’s purple colouring. As an adult, I must now defend a company which regards the equivalent of riding a wooden horse as something marketable to adults.

Potential: Only as a sex toy.

Will it actually be released? No, because Nintendo is too pussy to make a sex toy.

What others are saying: “That kid is literally wearing a onesie.” – lawblob

Last week, I wrote an article analyzing some of the grizzled bad-ass men of gaming, this week I’d like to check out the finely sculpted female equivalents.

Let’s start with KOS-MOS, from Monolith Soft presents: Otaku Fodder: Xenosaga Episode I: Der Wille zur Macht. I know absolutely nothing about Xenosaga, and so I’ll have to rely on my ability to examine this image and base my analysis on that. The small amount of research I did perform regarding this character led me to understand that KOS-MOS is “formed from some sort of highly advanced nanomachines.” This certainly helps me to begin to comprehend what I’m seeing.

KOS-MOS is engineered, her hotness, not to mention blue hair and red eyes, can be explained as simply stemming from the whims and sexual desires of her creators. These desires are most clearly expressed in KOS-MOS’ ass, which appears to have been sculpted with great care and is surely the product of the most advanced nanotechnology. I was originally going to suggest that her body may actually be what we see here, but Google Image Search’s recommendation of “KOS-MOS swimsuit” suggests to me that KOS-MOS (can I call her Kos for short?) is actually wearing a set of pants so well formed that they perfectly rest up inside her gluteal cleft. I suppose that since she is an engineered being this would be quite possible.

Here’s a character that I’m much more familiar with. This is Samus, or actually, Zero Suit Samus from Nintendo presents: Yet Another Remake or Port: Metroid: Zero Mission. Samus is the galaxy’s greatest bounty hunter, despite her strange tendency to lose part, or even all of her suit on a shockingly regular basis.

In completing Zero Mission, and depending upon how much you’ve collected in the game, Samus can be seen in a number of scenes wearing nothing but the Zero Suit you see here. I can understand that her regular armour, as bulky as it appears, would require a tight under-suit like this. What I’m less certain of is Samus’ interest in ensuring that this under-suit so precisely display her back side, including, once again, a well defined crack. Perhaps in the future, clothing materials more adequately adhere to their wearer’s bodies without introducing additional chafing.

Next up is Vanessa Z. Schneider from Capcom presents: Contractual Agreement Fulfilled: P.N.03. Vanessa is a dexterous, groovin’ chick with a contract to blast some robots. Her movements are restricted only by her own skills and the rule that one must not shoot while running. Like so many of gaming’s female heroes, Vanessa is cybernetically-enhanced, and battles the future’s horde of horrible space villains with grace and sexiness.

The technology of Vanessa’s clothing is beyond that of even KOS-MOS or Samus, the lower portions do not only hug her booty region, they appear to be pulled inward as though through force of suction, and leave no possible doubt as to the shapeliness of the character. At this point, it is becoming clear to me that in the future, as prophesied by game creators, the futuristic female hero’s skills can be based in large part simply through analysis of her ass, the tightness of the clothing on that ass, and the power of the hero to turn and pose so that both her face and bottom can be seen in the same image.

Finally, I’d like to take a look at Nova from Blizzard presents: Never Coming Out: StarCraft: Ghost. Since Ghost has been indefinitely postponed and I have obviously been unable to play it, I will once again have to use the image provided as my source of information regarding this character. Nova is one of the Ghost units from StarCraft, and beyond targeting nukes, I guess they’re also good for engaging in intense third-person combat (or not, considering the development path of Ghost).

In considering Nova alongside the other three ladies studied in this article, she is clearly the greatest future hero of them all. She does the over-the-shoulder turn as well as anyone, and rocks the tightest skin-tight clothing that anyone has ever dared render. Her one-piece techno suit leaves no question as to the alluring quality of her posterior, but where Vanessa needed an uncomfortable suction process to tighten the clothing on her backside, the lower part of Nova’s suit may as well be her skin. Surely, her plainly displayed buttocks illustrate an overwhelming ability for space-villain-blasting.

In the video game industry, it is commonly understood that the greatness of your male hero should be represented visually by loading him up with a bunch of heavy and awkward equipment, then adding a scar, and finally, giving him a really displeased facial expression. I’d like to look at a few examples today. Note: the female equivalent of this article can be found here.

Here we see Marcus Fenix, legendary star of Cliff Bleszinski presents: Gears of War. Since I’ve only played about five minutes of Gears in my life, I’m going to have to base my understanding of this character on this picture to the right. Marcus Fenix is a man on a mission: a mission to be the most geared up gear of war ever to chainsaw an alien.

Poor Marcus had a difficult childhood. Due to his grizzled face and unflinching scowl, Marcus never had many friends. For Marcus, childhood was just an irritating wait before he could wear an 800 pound suit of armour and punish some aliens. Mysteriously, Marcus’ very comprehensive armour leaves his scarred head exposed, although that do-rag may offer some protection. Marcus Fenix is a hater of many things: pussies, homosexuals, the weak, minorities, and anything else that does not fit into his narrow, and very manly, definition of normal.

Next up I’d like to consider Solid Snake, from Hideo Kojima presents: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. I’ve played even less MGS than I have Gears of War, and so my analysis will have to once again focus on the provided image. Like Marcus, Mr. Snake is not a happy man, and we can all tell that by noticing his facial disfigurement (as represented by an eye patch).

Unlike Marcus, Snake is battling a personal struggle, the inevitability of old age, and Snake tries to compensate for this unfortunate reality by maintaining a very manly mustache. Snake is not weighed down by the “gear” of war that Fenix is, relying on his own strength, as displayed by this freakishly tight suit, and his stealth-ing abilities. Not to be outdone by Fenix’s choice in out-of-fashion headgear, Solid Snake sports a very dashing headband. The trusty headband serves to keep this silver fox’s hair out of his eyes whether he’s battling giant robots or clubbing with the boys.

We now come to Altaïr Ibn La-Ahad, from Jade Raymond presents: Games are Better When They’re Made by a Woman: Assassin’s Creed. Unfortunately, not only have I never played Assassin’s Creed, I’m too lazy to even read beyond the second paragraph of the Wikipedia article for this game, and so my speculation for this example will be especially uninformed.

In Assassin’s Creed, a man in a lab must channel his long dead ancestor, Altaïr, and as such, gain knowledge of what it is to be the manliest warrior. Altaïr’s descendant, Desmond Miles, discovers that a hoodie adorned with intricate metal plating and daggers is very much befitting a great warrior. Additionally, he learns that men do not need to be scarred and terrifying to be great, so long as they look like smoldering, mysterious sex machines. Rendering hairlines is tricky stuff, and so where Fenix wore a do-rag and Snake wore a headband, Altaïr covers up with a hood. Hoods can be very convenient for hiding your face from potential adversaries, as well as a great way to keep the elements out of your eyes.

Finally today, I want to consider Kratos, hero of David Jaffe presents: Don’t Forget that this Franchise is Exclusive to the PlayStation Family: God of War: Chains of Olympus: As Seen on Spike TV’s Video Game Awards: Hosted by Samuel L. Jackson. I haven’t even seen anyone play DJp: DFttFiEttPSF: GoW: CoO: ASoSTVVGA: HbSLJ, and so once again, I will have to largely glean my knowledge of this character from his image.

Kratos is the angriest man on Mount Olympus, and he’s very concerned that you might not realize it. As such, he’s carved a well placed scar across his right eye, and thrown up a crazy warrior’s tattoo across the other one (for symmetry of design). Kratos is a man genuinely unhappy about everything, and as such he’s definitely going to cut up some bitches, but even that wanton violence won’t be enough to bring even a smirk to this deeply troubled man. Just in case you were still uncertain about Kratos’ character alignment, check out that goatee, only the most brutal of men would dare share Satan’s choice in facial hair. Just as with our other heroes today, Kratos just can’t handle a hairline. Instead of hiding his shame under a piece of clothing though, Kratos has decided to simply go bald.

Gamers whine when a new game isn’t coming to their favourite console, and they really whine when a game is coming to their most hated console. For the gaming community of 2009, no console is more hated than the Wii. You see, the Wii continues to sell incredibly well, and bring new (scary) people to gaming, an industry which, much like its most loyal customers, is in need of a shower and a bit of physical exertion.

As such, when High Voltage Software announced that they would be making a first person shooter for the Wii with actual effort put into its development, gamers whined. The Wii isn’t supposed to be the console of shooting people, it’s supposed to be the console of six year olds mesmerized by Mario’s smiling face, and of 90 year olds, jumping around trying to play Wii Sports. Or so gamers will tell you, because maligning a console is much easier than accepting change or diversity.

Alright, I’m not really speaking for all gamers. There are a few out there, crazier, more demented, more brain-washed, more unbalanced than the rest, the Nintendorks (of which I am one). Worshippers of Nintendo for the life-nurturing warmth which it offers, these Nintendrones certainly did not complain when The Conduit was announced. Rather, they cried tears of joy, and lauded the game as the second coming of Perfect Dark. For Nintendolts, the mere announcement of the game was like mana from heaven.

I will now attempt to review this long awaited game in an attempt to determine which side of this ridiculous internet battle turned out to be correct.

Art, Graphics, and Sound
The makers of The Conduit are bold and ballsy, and have dared to do something which no developer outside of Nintendo themselves has dared, to make a game with graphics superior to a sub-par PS2 game. Incredibly, High Voltage succeeds. For the sake of winning fanboy wars on internet message boards, gamers have tended to knock The Conduit’s graphics as wildly inferior to those found on the 360 and PS3. Not surprisingly, they’re correct. Yet, The Conduit looks great when you consider the more reasonable metric of other Wii games (even Nintendo games), and as such, The Conduit succeeds in the realm of appearance.

Innovation Factor
FPSes are like football sims: the only things that ever change are the number of polygons on screen and the resolution of the textures on those polygons. Ultimately, it’s still Madden screaming commentary, or the Allied hero, as the case may be. In a genre filled with unimaginative cloning, The Conduit stands as the most derivative and uninspired sameness available. In the near future, aliens are invading, and you, a one man army, must defend Washington DC. In the process, you must shoot down the interlopers and their human bodyguards, uncovering the secrets of this invasion as you advance.

Gameplay
As I’ve said, The Conduit is as derivative as a game can get, and its appeal is not in its story or the broader terms of its gameplay, but in its control scheme. The Conduit’s controls are truly something exciting. Rather than the clumsy dual-analog affairs of the 360, and away from the uncomfortable desk chair of the PC, lies the exacting Wii remote pointer, held in the hand of someone comfortably resting on a couch. The controls are also fully customizable, and so any inconveniences players find in the default control layout can be corrected.

Last-ability and Re-playability
The Conduit’s single player consists of nine linear levels, five difficulties, a few achievements and collectables, and nothing else. The campaign is fun enough, and without anything more appealing like TimeSplitters’ Challenges, going back for the collectibles is a not un-enjoyable way to do some gaming. The Conduit’s ambitious online component is more robust than anything else available on any Nintendo system, although I’ve lost every match I’ve competed in.

Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Played
Go ahead and pick up the collectibles in the single player if you see them, even if you’re not trying to get them all right away. It’s not all or none.

Overall
The Conduit is pretty fun. It’s not revolutionary, and it’s certainly not worthy of the hundreds of angry internet wars it’s spawned, but it’s worth giving a try.

Final Score:

Microsoft

Microsoft’s conference can be broken down into two parts: the showing off of games, and the showing off of bullshit. The conference began with the showing off of games, including a lengthy promotion of The Beatles: Rock Band, in which the opening cinematic was shown, a live demonstration was held, and then a couple Beatles and a couple Beatles’ relatives were trotted on stage for brief, but nevertheless, embarrassing appearances. Rock Band was followed by an extended series of videos and demonstrations in which more actual games were shown. None of them are worth describing in any great detail since they’re all the same as each other, and all the same as everything currently available on the 360: space marines/war heroes/Sam Fisher must battle aliens/Nazis/corruption in a beautifully rendered field of brown and grey while gargling razor blades.

The second part of Microsoft’s conference followed, and it was dedicated to the showing off of bullshit. Microsft unveiled Project Natal, an add-on for the 360 comprised of censors and cameras which can supposedly detect and scan objects in front of it, allowing users to play without any controllers. The device is intended to be Microsoft’s half-ass attempt at capturing some of Nintendo’s massive casual consumer base, and the thought of its iminent failure warmed me to the core as I watched.

The highlight of the Project Natal demonstration was called “Milo and Kate,” presented by Peter “I lie out my ass” Molyneux. Molyeneux introduced the world to Milo, a little boy who lives inside your 360, coming out to play and helping you in your development of pedophilia. The Milo demonstration was wonderfully fake, showing off, in classic Molyneux style, a bunch of unkeepable promises well outside the realm of even the most advanced AI technology.

As I endured the long, dull, Microsoft conference, I repeatedly asked myself “why am I watching this?” The only answer I could come up with was that I was a sad, lonely individual, who seeks to live vicariously through the irrelevant corporate drama which crops up in the gaming industry occasionally.

Sony

Sony’s conference was easily the dullest of the three. The company announced, to the excitement of onlookers, Final Fantasy XIV, and then broke the neckbeard’s hearts with a little additional information: the game will be another MMO. Another highlight of the event came with the unveiling of the PSP Go. The Go is another PSP redesign, but this one has no UMD, and its users will buy their games from Sony’s online store. Gran Turismo PSP was promoted by a wildly nervous Kazunouri Yamauchi during the show. Luckily, a completely disinterested translator, wielding a notepad, was able to help him out.

Like Microsoft, Sony also demonstrated a poor attempt to compete with Nintendo, the PlayStation Motion Controller, a phallic wand whose movement is tracked by a camera. Unlike Microsoft’s Project Natal, the device’s claimed abilities appear plausible, but software development seemed early. As I witnessed the device being shown off, my joy grew at the though of it flagging against the unstoppable Nintendo war machine. This feeling was immediately followed by immense depression as I began to question why I should have even a casual interest in the devise, let alone an emotional investment in its failure.

Nintendo

Nintendo’s conference was the only one which demonstrated anything worthwhile, as is typically the case. The company showed off Wii MotionPlus again, and unlike its competitors’ motion devices, MotionPlus actually works, and will be available on the market in a matter of weeks along with completed, functioning, and appealing software.

Some of the new games Nintendo announced include Super Mario Galaxy 2, a sequel to one of the best games ever; New Super Mario Bros. Wii, the most pure-fun looking game I’ve seen in a long time; and Metroid: Other M, developed by Team Ninja. Other M promises to be the most breast-bouncingest Metroid yet, and will probably destroy the franchise.

Nintendo’s great failing this year was the absence of an unveiling: Pikmin 3. In a roundtable following Nintendo’s conference, Miyamoto admitted that not a lot of progress had been made on the game, a statement which wrought within me total devastation. My emotional breakdown was stabilized somewhat as Miyamoto made it sound as though a new console Zelda game was fairly far into development. Following his roundtable though, my thoughts again turned to what an utter waste of two days watching the conferences had been, and the magic of E3 vanished for me, along with my self respect.

This particular story stems from the mouth of none other than Shufflingdead founder, Newbs. The tale begins with the introduction of the four characters: Francis Feeble (Weskimo), Hermia Feeble (DMUSER), Derek Blacksoul (Quaid), and the voluptuous Volumnius (Psycho_Limey).

The adventure begins in the nation of Regolith, which is weak, failing, and being violently raped on three borders. Our “heroes” have grown up in poverty in the capital of Moncalari. Very recently, the capital was overrun, courtesy of the suck that your country’s sissy soldiers were able to deliver, and our team fled north with a refugee caravan, the cost of which completely emptied our already meager pockets.

En route to the northern city of Mosely, our caravan was attacked and overwhelmed by a rat swarm. Our four protagonists stole a wagon with two horses and made haste in the direction of a faint green tinge on the horizon in the night sky. Underneath this haze, we came upon a small town and, exhausted, collapsed into a small abandoned peasant’s shack and fell asleep.

As dawn broke, we were left with the not-so-simple decision of “what the fuck do we do now, guys?”

Now, I feel that not exploring these characters would be a near criminal offense against Newbs, and take away greatly from what happened next, so here goes. This motley crew were all created by Newbs for the purpose of his campaign. Francis is a scrawny wannabe thief with confidence issues, who is a drinker and hates small towns. His sister, Hermia, is a terrifically ugly woman, whose appearance has caused her personality to become as twisted as her face and breasts. It might have also unhinged her mind somewhat. She’s also a drinker, and hates small towns. Blacksoul is somewhat of an enigma, who refuses to acknowledge the ridiculousness of his assumed persona, and he’s a drinker who hates small towns. Volumnius is a giggly young girl who is loose with her morals and even looser with her pants. She’s also a drinker and hates small towns. Oh ya, and she has big tits!

To clarify, I said that Newbs created these characters; that’s half true. He didn’t give us any money, usable equipment, weapons, or even any SKILLS. His reasoning is that he wanted us to be forced to actually role-play and speak to the people in town, because any real adventurer would have just carved up the whole place. He wanted us to be “a bunch of shit-eaters”. So we, as players, embarked upon a quest to test the limits of Newbs’ planning, patience, and sanity, by playing the shit out of these motherfuckers.

And so, weaponless and penniless, we began our adventure. Francis, Hermia and Volumnius awoke in a small shack in the village. Staggering out into the bright day sunlight, wishing it was a hangover we were combating rather than total confusion, Volumnius decides to break down the door of the shack and take an old rotting board as a makeshift weapon. Thus armed, we made a beeline for the one saving grace of small towns…booze.

Inside the tavern, we came face to face with one serious motherfucker: none other than Bowser himself. Bowser was the town’s inn/tavern keeper, monstrously huge, bald, and with a wicked awesome beard. The arrogant barkeep tried to make our party pay upfront for our consumption, thus putting the brakes on a well contrived drink-and-dash. Furiously bitter, Hermia bear-hugged the monster, screaming “GET THE BOOZE!!!” Francis needed no prompting to steal, and after collecting an armload of sweet, sweet liquor, quickly quitted the scene, followed closely by Volumnius and Hermia. We retreated to our newly named “drinking shack” and proceeded to do the only thing these adventurers were any good for: get ridiculous.

Shortly afterwards, Bowser followed us to the shack, bringing backup in the form of some disgusting drunken regular at the bar. Unfortunately for us, we were well into the drink at this point. Hermia, panicking, tries to kick the wall out of the shack to escape, and ends up on her drunken ass. Her second tactic was “shock and awe”…she ripped off her shirt and flaunted her disgusting body, but this was ineffective as well. Francis and Volumnius chuck a couple of empty bottles at the intruders, and proceed to get the tar beaten out of them. Francis decided then and there to haul drunken ass, and makes a mad dash for the door, miraculously picking Bowser’s pocket on the run.

Once outside, he found a pair of town guards come to see what the commotion was about. His drunken slurs managed to convince the guards that Bowser and his pal were in the shack there assaulting two young girls, and the barkeep gets arrested! Now our heroes were possessed of some decent coin in one hand, and liquor in the other. I’d be willing to call that a win. We used some of our ill-gotten gains to purchase a little equipment, including a couple of clubs and knives.

Now, the next day, we are confronted by the town officials who have managed to sort all this out (this is why small towns are bullshit, by the way) and arrest us. Long story short, we bluff check our way into the mayor’s confidence, and he lets us in on the town secret of “Green Grants Life”. The green haze around the town keeps the rat hordes at bay and is produced by a small fist sized gem they call the Orb. The Orb’s is hidden with townsperson chosen by the mayor, and charged to keep it safe. Naturally, our characters decide that the only possible course of action here, really, is to steal the orb and use it’s radius of safety to take a walk along the road to Mosely, leaving the townsfolk utterly defenseless.

Around this point, we re-encounter Derek, who had been injured during the rat raids and been unconscious in the wagon ever since. Our exhausted minds must have forgotten him there…so sue us. He wakes up and is pretty damned ungrateful seeing as we’d hauled his sorry ass away from the rat-fight in the first place. The wagon would have moved faster without him, honestly… We also remember that we have two horses that have not been fed or watered in two days. Francis decides to feed and water the poor beasts.

Now, the townspeople are all pretty close-lipped about the Orb and its’ location, but thankfully, they’re mostly retarded. Another reason I hate small towns: Inbreeding. I won’t bore you all with a play-by-play, but here are the highlights: We got drunk with some rich douchebag’s wife and robbed her house a little. Hermia and Volumnius will tell you that Francis fucked the horses (he was unavailable for comment, you bastards). We sold Volumnius into the sex trade where she became one of our leading sources of information (that’s right, this town had 10 buildings, and one was a brothel. Nice, Newbs). She talked her way into the town’s main ho’s (nicknamed “leather-cunt”) house one night and let Francis and Derek in, on suspicion that the Orb was there. Her brother woke up and ended up arresting Derek, and got a pillow full of piss as thanks, courtesy of Francis. Volumnius lezzed out with the town bike. Hermia, still crazy, was convinced that the Orb was buried in the center of town and bought a pickaxe and spent about an entire day hacking at the ground trying to get underneath the town monument…in broad daylight. Finally, Francis got bored of the horses and decided he had some spare pocket change and thought he’d take a turn with the town’s whore. While in the lineup awaiting his servicing, he managed to convince that same rich douchebag to tell us where he had the Orb hidden, and even walked us to the spot. Utilizing all the combined cleverness they could muster, the heroes deduced the code to open the lock on the Orb, which came with a convenient finder’s fee of 400 gold. Treasure AND gold that we didn’t earn? Success!

Ok, now for the grand escape plan! Normal people might have just hitched up the horses and walked out of town. But not Cock Slap Inc.!!! (that’s what we named our group!) We decided we needed to terrorize the citizenry some more. They were already getting pretty annoyed with our shenanigans, so we figured we’d need to do something really noticeable! After about a half hour of talking about all the pointless ideas we had to be stupid, we just settled on arson and robbery, with a little bit of assault mixed in. So we set fire to several of the town’s abandoned shacks, and while everyone was supposed to be paying attention to the fires, we were supposed to pull our cart up to the door of the tavern and set ourselves upon Bowser (not a good couple days for this guy). What really happened was that the fires got everyone outside to witness us brawling, looting, running for it, and otherwise making assholes of ourselves. Derek slugged it out for a few rounds with tubby while Volumnius and Hermia loaded the cart with as much food and booze as they could carry. In two trips. Finally, we all piled into the wagon and peeled outta there.

The four members of Cock Slap Inc., cursing small towns everywhere, were extremely satisfied in short order, as they could hear those telltale screams and destruction of the unprotected town that told us the unimpeded tide of rats was eating the whole place. Fuck you, small town.

So here ends the first entry into the Shufflingdead.com D&D Record of Adventures. I’ll close by thanking Newbs for DMing this punishing, ridiculous adventure. I’ve honestly never laughed so hard playing D&D. And I’ll thank the other players for being such good sports and playing such ridiculous characters, as well.

No ports. No release 6 months later with no mouse support, and lackluster presentation for full price.

PC gaming has been a hotly contested subject for a long time, make no mistake. Ever since the Xbox first came out, people have been proclaiming “THE DEATH OF THE PC IS NIGH” and other such fear-mongering. Generally for no better reason than some kind of superiority complex, because they want to feel like they’re getting value for their money when they spend upwards of $300 on a computer that is only really able to play games. There’s very little proven truth to these statements, and actually quite the opposite if you don’t simply look at NPD statistics, and add in the much more profitable category of digital distribution.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably seen the dire posts such as “Spore most pirated game ever; over 500,000 downloads in first week of release”; and that the supposed “failure” of Crysis was entirely attributed by the developer, Crytek, to be due to software piracy. Noted for originally PC-exclusive games like Unreal Tournament, Epic announced in April that they wouldn’t be porting Gears of War 2 to PC, like they did the first iteration of the title, because of piracy issues.

And while both Crysis, and Gears of War were both pirated more than Ukrainian weapons transports off the Somali coast, I think there’s a much better explanation to why they didn’t sell as well as expected on PC. They weren’t very good games.

Sure Crysis was shiny, and was “A spectacular and beautiful sci-fi epic.”~ PC Gamer UK; but there sure wasn’t a whole lot of gameplay there. Most people could beat the entire game in under 9 hours, the voice acting was mediocre, the story was predictable most of the time and the rest of the time is was unpredictable in a predictable way. The game was hyped all to hell by the critics, but hype doesn’t sell games, or at least not a lot of them.

Gears of War was almost groundbreaking on the Xbox 360. Cooperative, bloody gameplay that used cover elements, and had a very tactical approach to gameplay. Mix in visceral weapons, a tragic story, and boatloads of action, and you have a recipe for an amazing game. But when you port it to PC? It’s all been done before. And in most cases better and 3 years ago.

But now I think I’ve found an offender in the console market that is every bit as bad as digital piracy. This isn’t pointed at a specific company, but more a specific practice; the purchase and sale of used games.

Say I have 10 people, and I want to sell one book to each person. All 10 of those people want to buy the book, but only half of them want to spend full retail. So 5 people buy the book on release day and read it, while the other 5 wait for the price to drop. Of the 5 that bought it, 4 of them decide that they don’t want to keep the book after reading it, so they offer to resell it to the other 5 for half what they paid for it. Thereby allowing them to spend that money on another book, and the next person in line gets to read it. The last person waits until the book hits the super-saver discount bin at the grocery store, and picks it up for 1/10 the value 3 years after it’s released.

That means, of the 10 people I was expecting to sell that book to, I only actually made a profit from 5 of them. And chances are, the people that bought the book used are probably going to turn around and sell it to other people for an even more reduced price.

Now compare that to me trying to sell the book as an E-book to the same 10 people, but you can’t resell it once you buy it. The first 5 people are still going to buy the book. They want it; fast, safe, and they don’t care how much it costs. The next 5 people don’t want to pay full retail, and they don’t want to wait, so they pirate it.

What is the difference to me? I still only sold 5 books either way. I’m only hitting half of my target audience. And worse yet, chances are the people that resold the books from the first example, are most likely going to go use that money to buy used books while they’re in the book store selling their old ones, because then they can get store credit for them, and get more for their trade.

“According to OTX’s report, the used software market in the U.S. is projected to be $1.3 billion (not including systems or accessories).” ~ April 2008, [Gamasutra]

According to OTX, a global research and consulting firm that specializes in providing online research, out of a total 76 million gamers in the USA, 45 million have purchased at least one new game, and one used game in the last year. Two and a half million buy exclusively used games, with the remainder buying exclusively new games. Of those that buy games, either new or used, fully a third of them will resell an average of 60% of the games that they buy, which will then get resold, to no profit to the publisher, developer, or anyone, except for the reseller.

Through applications of store credit and buyer discounts these sales are almost pure profit to the reseller so why would games stores ever even consider selling new games at all? If you consider the number of games that “fall off a truck” and get resold, at 90% resale the first week of release, why would anyone BUY new games either? To a publisher and a developer this is just like theft. The games could have been stolen right off the truck heading to games stores everywhere, and it means the same thing as having them resold. It’s a customer that they lost, and less money to fund the next game.

“…OTX has attributed this to the current economic downturn, and has also projected a marked increase in the online sales market, along with an upturn in used game purchases at GameStop.”~ April 2008, [Gamasutra]

Used games make up approximately $1.3 billion of a $10 billion industry in the US. When I was growing up, I’d be surprised if you could even find a number, never mind one in the 15% of all sales range. There wouldn’t be enough room in all the Classifieds sections in all the world for that many ads. At what point is industry going to start looking at these numbers and wondering how they could let so much income slip through their fingers? And while many people would say that once you purchase a product, you own it and can do whatever you want with it; read the EULA that comes with a piece of software you buy. They’re absolutely medieval in the protection of their IP, and you agree to them simply by opening the product to read the EULA.

“I’d actually make the point that for us second-hand sales is a very critical situation, because people are selling multiple times intellectual property,” said Jens Uwe Intat, senior VP and general manager for European publishing at EA. [Gameindustry.biz]

I don’t advocate piracy of any kind. I purchase all the games that I want and play, because I want to support the developers that made them. If you don’t support the developers, eventually they stop making money, and therefore stop making games we all enjoy. Having said that, developers have to stop abandoning the PC over piracy excuses. If they’re going to blame the PC as being unprofitable because of people stealing their product, maybe they should look to companies like Stardock, that release products with little to no copy protection and have had great success.

I would have less problem with developers abandoning a platform because they think it’s too hard to develop for, or because that’s not where their target audience is. But PC developers seem to think that because there were x number of graphics cards that meet the minimum requirements for their game, they should sell exactly x copies of their game. They seem to think that everyone that has a PC should be buying their game, or it’s a complete failure. If I’m running a restaurant, I don’t automatically assume that I should expect to sell food to the entire population of the city it’s in just because everyone has a stomach.

Maybe if game publishers would stop forcing developers to release betas of their games at full retail price, and force the general public to squash bugs just to play it. Possibly they could start taking the time to make sure all of the content is actually implemented before the game is released, and, just spitballing here, release a finished product.

That could actually result in your game selling well. But maybe using an uncontrollable force as an excuse for releasing a terrible product looks better to investors. Kind of like blaming your dog for eating your homework.

Support the developers kids.

First, I’d like to announce that we’re changing our tournament formats. We’re eliminating Vintage, Legacy, Extended, Standard, and any other formats that allow you to play with old cards. Instead we’re only allowing Block Constructed, and only of our newest block (which will soon be Phyrexian Homarid!). Additionally, we’re disallowing all casual play, all casual players can expect to receive cease and desist orders soon. By the way, we’ve entered into a contract with all Magic vendors to buyback (get it?!?!?!?!) all the Magic cards we’ve ever produced. We expect this will raise card prices for those casual players who try to circumvent our laws by a magnitude of several thousand.

We’re not quite satisfied with sucking off the vendors yet! I am proud to announce that in addition to our Reserved Cards list of cards we will never reprint, we’re introducing a Disintegrate (seriously, these jokes are amazing, do you guys see what a fucking genius I am yet?) list. These cards will be burned on site by Wizards of the Coast whenever we come into contact with them. This should raise prices by a magnitude of several million beyond that of our buyback initiative. This is only a preliminary list, expect us to add more in the future:

• Black Lotus
• Ancestral Recall
• Time Walk
• Grizzly Bears
• Balduvian Bears

Our hope is that Black Lotus will actually become the rarest commodity on Earth. Once all copies of the card in circulation are destroyed, we will open up the vault and sell the last remaining copy of the card, and use the money to launch a multi-trillion dollar circle-jerking campaign, promoting some of our most accomplished tournament players.

Now, let’s talk about Phyrexian Homarid. Our market research tells us that our players love keywords, so we’re going to introduce 305 keywords, one for each card in the set, minus one. The reason for that minus one is that that one card will have all of the keywords of all of the other cards! Additionally, our customers love creature types, and the synergy those produce, so we’re going to go ahead and make every creature in the set a Homarid (thus the set name, by the way, do you see what a twat I am yet?). Homarids and Phyrexia also have great nostalgic appeal, another thing our research tells us our players dig. It’s a good thing we have market researchers telling us what to do, we are creatively deceased.

Let me tell you a little bit about some of the keywords and abilities we’re introducing.

Disappearing – We already made Vanishing and Fading, two abilities that are functionally exactly the same, people loved both, so we’re going to be introducing a few more in Phyrexian Homarid. The first of those abilities is Disappearing. Creatures with Disappearing come into play with some number of Disappearing counters, and one counter is removed during that creature’s controller’s opponent’s attack phase, before blockers are declared. When the last is removed, the creature is removed from the game with the same number of Time counters as Disappearing counters. During your own attack phase, before blockers are declared, you remove a Time counter, and when the last is removed, you get the creature back and the cycle starts again!

Going Away – Similar to Disappearing. Of course, it uses Going Away counters instead of Disappearing counters, and once the last counter is removed, the card goes into the graveyard rather than being removed from the game. Counters are removed at the beginning of your opponent’s second main phase.

Leaving Slowly – The same as Going Away, but with Leaving Slowly counters instead of Going Away counters. Also, the counters used must be pieces of the card itself, rendering the card useless after it has been played only once or twice. This will help boost the rarity of creatures with Leaving slowly immensely, creatures with this ability will likely become the chase rares of the set. Our vendors love it when we make chase rares! Speaking of which, with the launch of Phyrexian Homarid, we are changing the way rarities work. First, there are no more uncommons, only rares and commons. Second, booster packs will normally contain nothing but commons, only one in one hundred will contain a rare. Also, only rares will be remotely playable, players are recommended to heat their homes by burning the thousands of useless commons they will be collecting. This works well as the amount players will have to pay for playable cards will be so exorbitant that they will not have money to pay their gas bills.

Inappropriate Touching – This is another exciting creature ability! When a creature with Inappropriate Touching blocks a creature older than it, it gets -1/-1, when it is blocked by a creature younger than it, it gets +2/+2, when it is put into prison from play, it gets +1/+6 for each other creature in prison, when it gets back out of prison, it gets +6/+6 for each creature younger than it that blocks it.

Eloping – This is the keyword we are most excited about. Instants with Eloping can be played twice during your opponent’s draw step, and can be repositioned in the stack at your choosing! It comes with a heavy price though, using Eloping allows your opponent to play their own spells and activated abilities twice, and their mana abilities three times! We felt that the draw step wasn’t seeing its fair share of card playing, so we decided to introduce this exciting new keyword!

Wow! I can’t wait to start making money off of this set!

Tetris, originally designed by Alexey Pazhitnov, is a game about shapes. A puzzle game if you will. But a puzzle game that has entranced entire generations.

And it’s back. In pog form.

Or DS form, if you will. Nintendo reincarnates Tetris in its most polished and well thought-out iteration yet. With six distinct modes, the ability for ten people to play wirelessly off of a single cartrige, and, best yet, complete internet multiplayer. It truly doesn’t get better.

This game pretty much has it all. The lower screen is, for most modes, used for the gameplay section. While in Standard mode the top screen is classic games for the NES on a rolling demo, accompanied with the music from the game. The new multiplayer mode “Push” could actually be a standalone game, and I think people would pay $40 to go out and buy it. I know that I would. The game is basically one long Tetris screen, with both ends open. You are on the top, your opponent on the bottom, and the pieces fall towards the centre. With each line you get, you push your opponent closer to the end of his side. Push him over the line and he loses. With two players of relatively even skill, you can go back and forth for all of eternity.

I challenge each and every one of you to resist the call that is 10 player VS team battles in Tetris, and then I will ridicule you for not understanding just how intense that is.

I give this game a solid

Serious Sam 2

Published By: 2K Games
Developed By: CroTeam
Released: 10/11/2005

In the third game in the series, the sequal to Serious Sam:The First Enounter, and Second Encounter; Croteam manages to mash even more levels, even more enemies, and even more weapons into the mix. Mny levels have over 500 baddies(with the final level topping in at a whopping 1300), many times with more than a hundred on the screen at once.

Gameplay

Unlike the previous two games, SS2 is actually a full game. First and Second Encounter had single player missions that even on the hardest setting could be finished in a matter of fifteen hours or so. SS2 has as much gameplay as the first two games, plus a few hours extra, with infinitely more variety to the enemies, and areas that you visit. It should also be noted that the single player element is also supported for four-player cooperative gameplay out of the fucking box. Deathmatch and “normal” fps multiplayer modes are coming at a later date along with an SDK and other goodies.

One thing that this series is known for is the tongue-in-cheek comedy that abounds. SS2 is certainly no exception. Cutscenes brdige every mission which keep up the “Serious” attitude. Sam’s quips and wit continue to induce laughs, and the occasional groan, throughout.

Graphics

Graphics are interesting and varied, especially considering that the engine can render as many detailed, and enormous, enemies on the screen at one time.

My one complaint with the graphics are that even mid-range systems of today can have serious hiccups in some of the busier areas. The game can only scale so far when you have an average of sixty or seventy enemies on screen at one time.

Sound

I had few complaints about the game, but the music definitely lacks something that it had in other Serious games. It didn’t hold my interest like it could have, but it was decent enough not to grate on my nerves for the entire game.

I did enjoy the sound effects and the voice acting though, both were excellently done, and maybe studios would do well to sit up and take notice. These days voice acting can make or break a game. This definitely made it.

Overall

Gameplay:
Pros:
-lots of variety, massive amounts of fun, zombie ninjas(I shit you not)
Cons:
-levels can get repetitive by the end of the game, not enough use of zombie ninjas

Graphics:
Pros:
-well done “Cartoony” look and feel to the game, areas are varied and large, level design is interesting
Cons:
-can make even decent machines turn sluggish at times, no single areas are as memorable as First or Second Encounter areas

Sound:
Pros:
-excellent sound effects and voice acting
Cons:
-music ranges from decent, to annoying

I can safely give this game:

You would think that reviewing games would be lots of fun. Well, it is. Unless you have the unfortunate circumstance to have to review a shitty game. Then you have to actually plow your way through long enough to form a(relatively) well-thought out opinion on it.

Lunar: Dragon Song is an RPG for the Nintendo DS, set in a relatively classic style, with a new twist. Still the unsuspecting teenager suddenly overcome with a mission of heroic proportions, but, pretty much the idea behind this game, is you are a delivery boy. You find ways through rain, sleet, snow, and hordes of slavering monsters to deliver your packages anywhere, anytime. And get paid well to do it.

It’s a good premise; one that promises at least an interesting diversion.

It’s not. And I won’t be displaying images, because that could entice some people to play it. I won’t be the cause of that much pain and suffering in the world.

I felt like I had to be doing about ten other things while I was playing this game just to keep from being bored out of existance. Part of this is because the battles that you fight are pretty much all automatic. You attack, they attack, repeat until one side perishes. They even have the option of fighting a battle in Manual mode, or Automatic mode at the beginning of every fight. This takes a lot of the boredom out, because I can then just set it to Automatic, and go watch TV until it finishes.

There are two combat “modes” in this game. One whereby you kill creatures, but do not receive items for your conquests, only the game’s version of experience. The other “mode” being when you kill creatures you gain items, and when you clear an area within the time alotted a mystical blue chest opens up with some pertinent items inside that you can either sell or use.

Now this choice would be quite interesting if you had to strike a careful balance between the two, always agonizing over whether you fought for money or levels. But the developers chose to make it so that you can play the entire game choosing one or the other for the most part. You need to switch between them only long enough to get the items in the blue chests in each area, and you’ll have more than enough money to buy whatever items you need, and then the next thousand times you pass through that area you can have it on Experience mode to get the levels you require.

If I wanted to understate the point I could say that I didn’t find the story particularly engaging. This wasn’t helped by the fact that the game is in a horrible form of Engrish. Grammatical mistakes abound, and I don’t think that the translators had ever even heard of that mystical punctuation device referred to as a comma.

One thing I did enjoy about the game are the graphics, and the use of the Dual-Screen. The battles are fought over two screens, as a single view, as if you were playing the game on a single screen. The animations are fluid and crisp, and there is even a relatively good selection of creatures to fight(without falling back on Red Orc, Blue Orc, Green Orc, and Orc Chieftan, all just having different colours of skin — at least not as much as some games).

One thing that really aggravated me about this game is the world map. You can’t move freely about the map, nor does it show all of the locations you’ve visited. It will only show the location that you are in, and the locations you can go to from that point. And you can only access it when you are leaving an area. You can only hop a single “square” on the map at a time, and then you have to traverse the next area, monsters and all. This makes for obscenely tedious travel. We’re talking worse than a Final Fantasy game.

I’d say that if you see Lunar: Dragon Song in the discount bin, pass it by, and buy some blank VHS tapes. Watching those would be more interesting.

Overall:
Terrible execution, more boring than baseball

Gameplay:
Uninteresting storyline, too much “filler” – walking, repeat battles, etc

Graphics:
Relatively impressive, makes good use of both screens, animations are well done

Sound:
Ranges from the uninteresting to the downright shitty

I give this game:

If you enjoy trading, exploring, and maybe even a little fighting, then this game is for you. But you also have to enjoy:

Capcom-esque controls[except more controls than any Capcom game in existence]
A learning curve that is like hitting a brick wall, then finding two more on the other side.
BUGS![I don't mean the alien kind]

A rather glaring error in the manual shows up almost as soon as you launch the menu — that being that there are not any tutorials. The tutorial for the game is this; read the manual. Then after you read the 83 page manual the first time, read it again and hi-light any areas you don’t understand. The object at this point is to go onto any number of forums created on fansites or on Egosoft’s official website and find any one of a hundred threads from people that have never played an X game before. This should give you a relatively good idea of the basic controls.

The game, like many 4X games, starts you off with a ship[or two on easy mode] and a few credits. Right after the first loading screen you jump into a basic patrol mission which develops into a pitched firefight with a couple of Kha’ak scouting parties. The mission is relatively easy, and unfortunately the rest of the game isn’t representative of the first mission.

After the first mission you’re basically just dumped in space. You can continue on with the storyline, but at this point, I don’t really suggest it. The storyline ramps up in difficulty from “Novice” on the first mission, to “Expert” on the second mission. You need a better ship with better weapons and shields to hope to succeed in the story arc. This means that you need money.

Money can be acquired in two ways:

1. Trade between stations in basic goods(Energy Cells, BoGas, Delaxian Wheat, Crystals, Silicon, and Ore being some of the basic resources in the X Universe)

2. Fight. You get money from fighting in a number of different ways. Many times the ships you destroy will have valuable cargo you can collect upon its destruction. Pilots will sometimes bail out of their craft before it is destroyed, giving you a ship to salvage, as well as a pilot to sell on the slave market. Or, if you have a good enough relationship with the race who’s sector you are fighting in, you can purchase a Police licence and get paid for every pirate, Xenon, or Kha’ak raider you destroy.

Don’t let me scare you away from this game. I like this game. It’s difficult to master, but once you do you have literally an entire universe to explore. There are dozens of sectors with almost infinite variance between them. And the routes you can take in the game are just as varied. You can trade your way through the galaxy, eventually getting the resources to build factories, and purchase huge SuperFreighters to carry your cargo from sector to sector — all in an entirely dynamic “Invisible Hand” economy. Or you can join one of the different factions in the game and fight your way to the top. Eventually being able to purchase Destroyers and an armada of fighter craft to do your bidding – for good or for ill.

The largest complaint that many people have with this game[in fact with the entire series] is the bugs located therein. Personally I can consider myself lucky, most of the bugs that I’ve encountered have to do with the AI doing odd things, or the economy going crazy. But many people have frequent CTD’s, as well as large problems with control and slowdown issues, and problems with story missions. Happily, Egosoft seems to be addressing these as they are found in a timely fashion.

Summary

Gameplay:

Pros:
Deep, immersive gameplay, almost endless choices and replayability, game is heavily supported by Egosoft
Cons:
Steep learning curve, controls are numerous and difficult to master

Sound:
Pros:
The game has excellent special effects, the computer will tell you when you have a target lock, or when it is searching for a target, the weapons have decent sound effects and a good feel

Cons:
The music is repetitive and rather bland. It varies from sector to sector, but the loops are pretty short and when you spend a few hours between a couple of sectors you notice it pretty quickly.

Overall:
I really enjoyed this game, and will continue to enjoy it. The massive amounts of time that you can[and have to] sink into this game to build a trading empire in a completely dyanmic economy appeals to me on a basic level. The fighting aspect is rather beyond me, you need to be really good at it to succeed, but luckily with enough money I can buy ships and automated systems to do that for me.

I give this game:

DS vs. PSP vs. GBA/GB Evolution
You know, the DS gets criticized a lot, it’s been criticized and ridiculed since the very moment it was revealed to have two screens. Right now it’s being criticized for a lack of games. I think the Nintendo DS is just taking some time to settle in. The thing is, what the DS has is potential. At this year’s E3, Nintendo promises to show Advance Wars DS, Animal Crossing DS, Mario Kart DS, Metroid Prime: Hunters, and supposedly even an all new Super Mario Bros. Oh, did I mention there’s also supposed to be an online Pokemon game coming out for the thing? This list of games, which is surely no where near exhaustive if you include 3rd party support, along with the imminent launch of a service allowing gamers to play wirelessly over the internet, is bound to put Nintendo’s Dual Screen ahead of the PSP. Why is that? What is so lacking about the PSP? I’ll tell you what the PSP has going for it, small screen versions of a few of the Playstation games I’ve never wanted to play, the ability to play half a movie off of a disc which no other device in the universe will ever be compatible with until the batteries die, and the most irritating marketing campaign in the history of man kind. Sure, the DS’ games are sequels too, but they’re all new twists on old franchises. No game makes the transference to a two-screen, touch screen capable handheld without seeing some real change.

Of course, none of this actually matters. Likely, both systems will be moderately successful, but technically they’ve already lost. Neither system will ever match the sales or success of the GBA. In fact, I predict in a couple years time Nintendo will release the Gameboy Evolution, and make this little DS vs. PSP debate completely null and void. The thing will (and I’m absolutely winging it at this point) probably fit right into what will have become Nintendo’s well established wireless network, it’ll be backwards compatible with the GB, GBC, GBA, and hell, we’ll say Gamecube as well. Everything in the handheld industry will be right back where it’s been since the launch of the Gameboy.

What’s really interesting about the DS vs. PSP debate is this: Sony is banking on the PSP, this is a fun experiment for Nintendo. Even if the DS fell through the face of the earth, Nintendo would shrug it off and step up work on the GBE. So what happens when this:

Sony is likely to post a 70.3 billion yen ($658 million) loss for the quarter ending on March 31, the largest loss in two years…

Stringer has announced a three year plan, wherein Sony will cut costs, probably resulting in job cuts and falling prices. Sony is also placing a lot of stock into its PSP system, which they believe can turn into the ‘next iPod’ if it can ‘define itself as more than just a video game player.’

doesn’t actually happen. Hahaha, stupid Sony, suck my dick! Suck it! Yeah bitch!

What would Newbs do?
Well, Nintendo, I probably would never have released the DS, but it’s out there now, so what is there to do with it? I think most importantly, don’t give up on it, don’t dump it and run to the Gameboy Evolution in a year. Make games for it, pump them out, I don’t care how shitty they are, and pay off other companies to make games for it, shitty and quick if possible, just support the fuck out of it. Along with this quick and shitty philosophy, play around with it as much as you can. You’re never going to see a touch-screen again, so you might as well make the absolute wonkiest and craziest games imaginable. After the already announced games are out, don’t use a single existing franchise, invent new ones, Electroplankton seems like a step in the right direction for both these ideas. Who knows, maybe this “innovation” thing will actually happen.

Having said that, bring on the Gameboy Evolution, yee haw! Just, for the love of Ganon, give it a couple years.

X-Box 360 vs. PS3 vs. Revolution
There are some very noticeable differences between generation 5 and its predecessor. Sega is long gone now, a husk of its former self, it stumbles on making software, raping its franchises of old into the ground. Microsoft now has its gargantuan meat hooks in the North American market, like Link’s hook-shot sticks into a wooden crate. And finally, momentum is no longer with Sony as it once was. I would say that in North America, the X-Box may even have the advantage on that stage. Where, dare I ask, is this leading? Well you see, Microsoft has a great opportunity, if they were to release in 2006 as the other companies plan to, I get the feeling that they’d come out on top in North America (fail miserably in Japan, of course). Thing is, Microsoft is so desperate to lose its money-hemorrhaging X-Box that they are planning to release their next console, which is going to be called something like “X-Box 360,” in Christmas 2005. Guess what morons? It’ll be too early, you shall pay in blood! This isn’t like Sony releasing the PS2 a year ahead of the X-Box and Gamecube, this is more like Sega releasing the Dreamcast a year before the PS2. In fact, I predict that the X-Box 360 will begin losing Microsoft money the way the X-Box has since its launch, Microsoft investors shall run out of patience by Christmas 2007 and the company will pull out of the industry! That’s right, that’s a wild fucking prediction and I have made it!

Okay, so maybe that won’t actually happen, but the 360′s failure is already written in stone. They’re going to be releasing a technically inferior console, right when their current console has really just hit its stride. It’s going to do nothing that their current console doesn’t already do, it’s going to have some fucking EA sports titles and yet another installment of the perpetually run-of-the-mill Halo franchise. All of this coming out, of course, for not one X-Box 360, but actually two of them. Yes, Microsoft is pulling the old Sega seppuku split your market shit. Releasing a cheap version and an expensive high-end version of its upcoming console will be the biggest of all the mistakes Microsoft makes. This monumentally moronic decision, along with all the other massively retarded decisions, dooms the X-Box 360, period, the end.

Nintendo pegs its competition as Sony, and that is where the real battle will be waged. Nobody knows enough about either of these consoles to actually come to any conclusions. The Revolution will be Gamecube backwards compatible and come wireless internet ready out of the box. The PS3 will… I don’t know, do a bunch of typical Sony shit. People are stupid, they’ll buy Sony, maybe Nintendo will pull something amazing out its ass and win the day, who knows.

FUCK THE UNIVERSE. HACK THE PLANET. VIVE LE REVOLUTION!
I would say that I have a healthy interest in playing video games. Indeed, I don’t do it all that much, I spend no more time playing games than anyone else spends doing any other hobby. Thing is, I am horribly addicted to reading video game news and thinking about video gaming. Here is where the fascination goes beyond hobby and enters the realm of sheer insanity. So, naturally, I’ve spent likely hundreds of hours pondering what I would do if I ruled the mighty Nintendo, and could direct the company through its fifth generation years.

Step 1: Making an inaugural address. This would most likely occur at 2005′s E3. Here’s the script:

Dear Microsoft, fuck you. Dear Sony, double fuck you. I am here to announce the Nintendo Revolution, coming out Christmas 2006. The system will come wireless internet ready out of the box, be backwards compatible with the Gamecube, and kick your ass. It will come with a hard drive, it will play CD’s, DVD’s, and Blu-Ray/HD-DVD’s/whatever the hell. Its controllers will be wireless, but otherwise they will be completely normal. They won’t have seventeen screens or heat sensitive rectal scanners, they will be comfortable, have lots of buttons and joysticks in logical positions, and will work extremely well with all types of games. Nintendo will be launching a service where you can pay to download ROM’s of our classic games, and play them on the console. The system will launch with an all new Mario game, which I will be demo-ing shortly. We are purchasing Silicon Knights, Factor 5, Free Radical, Namco, Capcom, Koei, and Konami, as well as numerous small-time developers. We are also creating scholarships to award to promising indie developer teams. All of these companies will begin immediately working on games for the Nintendo Revolution. Along with the new Mario game, our system will launch with Silicon Knights’ Too Human, a new Smash Bros. game (playable online of course), a Pokemon massively multiplayer online RPG, and about a million other games from all those companies which I just listed as well as a bunch of other 2nd and 3rd parties. Now, on with the Mario demo!

[A bunch of chicks I've hired from suicidegirls.com wheel out the sexy silver device.]
[Shigeru Miyamoto, Reggie Fils-Aime and zombie-Yamauchi follow.]

Me and the boys will now play Revolution’s flagship Mario title. [The game starts, it's sexy as hell, and we begin playing.] Note that this game works much like Super Mario World, with paths branching out from different levels. Only it’s got the 3D game play of more recent Mario titles and is 4-player, you can also play it online. The characters are Mario, Luigi, Wario, and Waluigi, there are over a hundred levels to unlock. [Reggie beats a level, shouts "FUCK YEAH!," and does a standing backflip.]

I would like to conclude with this video of the Revolution’s new Zelda title, which will come out some time after the console’s launch. [Video plays.] Note how it looks like our upcoming Gamecube Zelda title, only it’s infinitely sexier. It’s pre-order bonus will be a blowjob from one of the Suicide Girls.

Sony, Microsoft, SURRENDER MY BITCHES.

Step 2: Now all that shit I just said actually happens. The world rejoices and Nintendo comes to rule the Earth with me at the helm.

Firstly, I don’t give a fuck in funky town what anybody besides Nintendo is doing, and all my knowledge about all the other companies is really just me assuming that they’re doing evil anti-Nintendo things just to spite me personally. As is tradition, E3 started off with the big three console makers doing big presentations. I have no clue what anybody else did, all I know is that Nintendo did a gaping anus’ worth of glorious announcements that have thrown the world into a state of euphoric shock.

Firstly, Zelda. ZELDA ZELDA ZELDA. I remember the first time I ever saw a Zelda game in action, I was in awe. The unbelievable world, incredible enemies, indescribably satisfying puzzles, it was called Link to the Past and I knew right then and there that I was in love. My first love, and still my one true love. My obsession grew from there, I thought about Ocarina of Time constantly from the instant I knew such a game was in the works. I thirsted for Majora’s Mask, I craved the Oracle games. Eventually my obsession grew to collect all the old Legend of Zelda games I had missed. Now, I was in shock as so many were when the graphical style of The Wind Waker was first shown, but the idea grew on me. Right on schedule I lusted for the game, pre-ordered it of course, and eventually came to own the game on launch day. The game stands as one of the finest in the series, and is a remarkable game.

There was always something that burned deep inside me though, something that had slowly festered deep down since long ago when I exhausted every nuance of Ocarina of Time. I wanted to play as adult Link again, I wanted dark evil areas, groundbreaking realistic graphics and most-of-all, I wanted epic. Just days ago, such a game was announced. A game which in fact fulfilled all the gaming desires I had ever had. The game doesn’t have an official title yet, just “The Legend of Zelda” and a trailer and a few screen shots to go with it. These images speak greater than any words possibly could. The game actually IS Nintendo walking up to me, ripping off my pants and sucking me off. I don’t mean the kind of blowjob you pay for, or the kind from some inexperienced teenage girl. I mean this is the work of a true dedicated professional. After the video clip of the game was shown, Miyamoto himself stepped out wearing a shirt he got from Hot Topic, wielding the Master Sword and holding a Hylian shield. He remarked “I am not Link, but I do know him.” Whatever the fuck you say Miyamoto, I love you, you goofy bastard.

Beyond all of this Zelda business, there is of course Killer 7, Resident Evil 4, Four Swords GC, Advance Wars GC, Metroid Prime 2: Echoes, Prince of Persia 2, Viewtiful Joe 2, StarFox, Mario Tennis GC, Paper Mario 2, Geist, and oh god so many more games. The point is, anyone who ever said the Gamecube had lost the war is a goddamn liar. Then there’s the Gameboy Advance games announced, notably, The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap. Yet another Zelda game, yet another game that I will one day own. Nintendo is the fairest of them all. I officially give up on women, for Nintendo is more fine a lover than I shall ever know. There’s some talk about some wacky “Halo 2″ coming out for X-Box… hahahaha ah X-Box. Oh sorry, I got caught off track, I mean to be talking about games worth playing.

The other truly huge announcement from Nintendo is the Nintendo DS. It is their latest hand-held, it plays games in full 3-D, and has this funny catch about having two screens (DS, Dual Screen). As with all of Nintendo’s hand-helds, it’s backwards compatible with all the old Gameboy games. The thing also features wireless multiplayer, and can access the internet, allowing you to use it as an instant messaging device. One of its screens is touch sensitive, which doubles as a touch screen keyboard for such activity. Sony showed off some bullshit hand-held too, but who cares. It’s a big battery sucking mugging targeting system. You know, what with the unbelievable price point it’s bound to feature.

Probably the biggest highlight of all E3 was Nintendo’s MC for their event, Reggie. The internet is alight with Reggie love. You see, Reggie is about “kicking ass” he’s here to “take names” but wants you to know Nintendo is about “making games.” The man can make the English language get up and dance. His face is the face that launched a thousand games. His PR skills are unmatched in all humankind, and he is worthy of the title “king of kings” which I am now placing upon him.

And that has been E3 2004. Thank you and goodnight.

Quite some time ago I came to own a second hand copy of the Electronic Arts made Bond game “Agent Under Fire.” Knowing that the game was not made by anyone at all connected with the Goldeneye people, and having played a little of the more recent Bond games I was expecting a fairly average game. For the most part, the game delivered on exactly this expectation.

The graphics are average, so is the sound, the controls standard. For someone who plays Nintendo made games almost exclusively I am impressed by games having any story at all, so I can safely say I am happy with the story in this game. The levels are uninspired and completely straight forward, there are way too many shield boosts all over the place to make anything a challenge. The worst part is the fact that Bond’s regular band of associates insists on radioing you every time you take three steps to fill you in on exactly what you’ll “want” to do next. Occasionally their constant jibber jabber and never-ending dry British wit will cause their skulls to disintegrate and blow away in an ominous Mummy-like way. When this happens, the camera will take over for them and “hint” at what you want to do next by zooming in on exactly what it is your “gun” needs to interact with next.

I played through this game in a few stages. I would beat a few levels, then get sick of it and put it away for three months until I felt like dragging it out again, until just a few nights ago I had never actually finished it. I had just a couple missions to complete in the single player campaign and I decided to go for it. I struggled little with the second last level, and got through it with just a few tries. Then came the final level. I wasn’t particularly impressed with it, but I wasn’t really expecting a lot by that point. (Just so you know, I don’t care at all if I spoil the game for you, I’m going to talk about the story now so suck it up.)

Part way through the level you are introduced to some bald jackass you’ve supposedly already killed. Turns out that that was really his clone and this is the real deal. You basically have to run around and dodge his rocket launcher shots for awhile while sneaking in the occasional shot and eventually he’ll just fly away. You follow him through some big shiny tube and into a big room where he is flying in front of you. Instead of making this an epic final battle, the makers of this game simply require you to shoot the massive glass window behind him to have him die. It is at this point that the actual gameplay of this game concludes. The building containing this man as well as his boss, the woman you’ve been chasing all over the planet the whole goddamn game, explodes. You never actually fight the main bad guy (woman).

After a few tries I managed to complete this level, and laid back in my chair ready to listen to whatever brain crushing, illogical way I was sure they would wrap up the story. A cutscene began with James Bond’s female accomplice picking him up in some kind of jet propelled aircraft she had kindly borrowed from fuck knows who, muttered something like “Need a lift?” when all of a sudden my television turned black and returned to the opening menu.

I thought the events strange, so thinking I had simply reset my Gamecube, or that I would only get to view the proper ending after completing the game on the hardest difficulty, I consulted an online FAQ. Guess what? That is the only ending! There is no wrap up to the story, and the time tested format of ROLLING THE FUCKING CREDITS just doesn’t happen. It was as if whoever EA was bitch-slapping around to pump out this game got yanked out of his chair when they got tired of looking at him as they said “Thanks idiot, now we will sell your unfinished piece of shit to lots of unsuspecting Bond fanboys!” I do not blame that poor man, just the group of shadowy figures standing behind him known as Electronic Arts.

I give this game:

One skull of a sacrificed virgin out of five. It wasn’t even a decent virgin, more like a technical virgin. It would have been 2/5 had an ending for the game actually existed.

You’re Jade, a journalist living on the planet of Hyllis. You live with a talking pig in a lighthouse, and you shelter orphans from the war with the Domz – evil creatures that move through the universe obliterating everything in their path. You earn money by photographing the wildlife, while trying to solve the mystery of the Alpha Sections – the supposed protectors of your planet.

Let me just start out by saying that this game has huge amounts of class. Huge. From the opening 5 minutes you can see that Ubi Soft went all out with this game. The environments are rich and detailed, the characters are deep, the voice acting is suberb(and almost everything in the game is voice acted). Contrary to what a lot of people seem to think, this is not a kids-only game. It has a lot of elements and situations that make the game immensely enjoyable to kids and adults alike. And its not a cartoony Disney game. So stop thinking that right now.

The music in the game is bar none. Everything has a slightly spanish vibe to it, that is interesting, without getting overly repetitive or annoying, and the music throughout the game is varied to the point of you almost never hearing the same music from location to location.

The animations in the game were all extremely well done. It fills me with joy that motion capture has finally become a viable enough technology that it’s used in almost everything related to character animation. Running, walking, and especially fighting are all without the chopiness that infests so many games. Ubi Soft seems to have gotten this down pretty well. Just look at Prince of Persia, which has won more awards than I have fingers, toes, and other extremeties.

The graphics are excellent. From water effects that make your jaw drop in awe, to the characters themselves, which are nothing short of amazing. I had little to quibble about in the eye candy department. A game who’s graphics are good enough that every cutscene can be rendered in-game without looking horrible, is good enough to get an ‘A’ from me in the graphics department.

The gameplay is like a ball filled with icing, rubbery on the outside, and sweet on the inside. I have no idea what that actually means, but I’ll leave it to you to figure out. In actuality, the game has few flaws in the play deparment. It mixes a good combination of sneaking and fighting to keep you interested and occupied. Mix in a little racing, some puzzle solving, and some item collection and its a pretty well-balance game. The sneaking gets a little long in parts, but the game is short enough(see flaws below) that it doesn’t really get to be a problem. And the fighting is well done enough, that if you get tired of sneaking, at least in the first half of the game or so, you can always just fight your way through.

The game is far from flawless, though I doubt that there any games that have ever reached that definition. The biggest problem that I had with the game is the camera. As with all 3D games, developers still haven’t managed to figure out how to make a camera that doesn’t get stuck in confined spaces, or is hard to manouvre around corners. Ubi Soft did relatively well with constructive architecture, but in the later areas of the game, the camera just plain got stuck, and the only thing you can do is jump through unknown peril until it adjusts itself. The ability to manually adjust it helps, but only to a point.

The other (rather small) problem that I had with the game is that it’s short. Like, you-can-beat-it-in-a-weekend-without-missing-any-major-meals-or-sleep kind of short. The game took me about 9 hours without getting many of the pearls, a kind of collectible currency, above what you need. There are 88 pearls in the game, and I found 60 or so of them. This said, there is still a lot to do in the game. You can participate in races with your hovercraft to win pearls, money, and glory. Or you can do a little betting on a game sort of like air hockey. Or you can just explore the rich and detailed world that Ubi Soft has so conveniently provided. Ubi Soft seems to have found its niche in games which are relatively short, and easy to produce, but which are immensly enjoyable. I think other game companies should take notice that their 6 year $2 million production cycles which produce mediocre at best aren’t working that well.

For the $20 that this game costs, I think you could do worse. A lot worse. Most people spend more money on a movie for 1 with snacks, and get less enjoyment. So support the company and buy this game.

Sound:5 out of 5

Gameplay:4 out of 5

Overall:

I have owned the computer game Starcraft for many years now, I long ago beat the single player missions for the game, as well as the missions included in the games expansion pack, Brood War. They were fun, but not overly amazing. Beyond these missions, the game provides the ability to create and play customized maps against the computer and human opponents. While every once in awhile I would get an urge to have a custom game with the computer, I never really ventured into the world of online play. Mostly out of fear of having to talk to other people who use the internet, but that’s beside the point. I was never really able to forget about the game, just when I was ready to forever uninstall the thing, I would be compelled to have one more match against the computer. I have now realized that this was a clever ploy on the part of the games AI to keep me hooked until just the right opportunity came along when it would hurl me into the world of online play.

Very recently I was convinced to have a game of Starcraft against a couple of old chums. Simply a friendly little game I naively thought! Probably never going to play against other people again was my prediction! No, things most certainly did not turn out this way. Since this one little match, I have been unable to go more than five hours without jumping online and starting up a game with whoever is willing. I wake up to play the game, I go to bed when I can no longer keep my eyes open to see my monitor. I will ignore ringing phones, food, family, and even porn for the unparalleled pleasure of Starcraft.

What dark, evil and mysterious purpose does Starcraft have that it compels me to do these things? I’m sure you are unable to think of what a game could possibly need with me. Well, the game of Starcraft is set in the cold depths of space in the distant future. The game features a great deal of inter-stellar travel, immense flying vessels traveling from planet to planet to make the proud wars of the future. These flying vessels are flown by astronauts, and when these astronauts get thirsty on their long flights, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THEY DRINK? Yeah, that’s right, TANG! The company which made Starcraft, Blizzard, obviously built a time machine and discovered that in the future astronauts were not drinking Tang. Logically, they have invested in the Tang industry and they have made it their business to insure the consumption of Tang well into the wars mutant humans have with ancient races of super-intelligent aliens. I assure you my pupils, Blizzard has gone back to the future, and have seen themselves become very wealthy as Tang is guzzled by every Dropship operator, Wraith pilot, and Battlecruiser captain in the universe.

Then there’s the online community. Outside of my merry band of Starcraft cohorts there are thousands of poor souls, impossibly addicted to the game. Oddly enough, the game has caught on in South Korea like no where else. You know who lives in Korea? Yeah, that’s right… women! Obviously the female population of Korea has decided I should never get laid. So guess what! They just spend their whole lives in front of their computers, luring me into game after game in a diabolical attempt to prevent my penis from ever entering a vagina! As if I didn’t have problems enough with the Rubix cube that is the female reproductive organ. Speaking of Rubix cube’s, nothing has so greatly frustrated me as that son of a bitch puzzle, obviously a ploy to anger me so greatly that my head erupts in a volcano of blood and gore. The Rubix cube reminds me of chess in some ways, and chess reminds me of Starcraft, yet another connection too eerie to just be coincidence. Clearly I have just scratched the surface of the evil which lurks within Goddamn Starcaft.

What are these 20 factions that I speak of? Well luckily for everyone’s understanding, gamers have divided themselves into factions. They all battle continuously about just about everything, but it takes a seminal moment in gaming history to really drive them to bring down servers. The groups are:

• Nintendo haters (fans of some combination of Playstation, X-Box, and/or gaming computers)
• Sony haters (fans of some combination of Nintendo, X-Box, and/or gaming computers)
• X-Box haters (fans of some combination of Nintendo, Playstation, and/or gaming computers)
• PC haters (fans of some combination of Nintendo, Playstation, X-Box and/or Mac)
• Mac haters (basically everybody, even most Mac nerds)
• Nintendo fanboys (anybody who games specifically with Nintendo products)
• Sony fanboys (anybody who games specifically with Sony products)
• X-Box fanboys (anybody who games specifically with X-Box products)
• PC nerds (anybody who games specifically with a PC)
• Mac nerds (anybody whose idea of gaming is Sim City 2000 on a Mac)

These categories are further subdivided by the particular person’s level of dedication. Either the word “casual,” or “hardcore,” should be added when describing someone’s particular gaming affiliation. Once this is factored in, we come to the sum of 20 noted above. The activities of these 20 factions vary greatly. All of the hardcore gamers both play a great deal of games and post ferociously on the internet with their opinions, but hardcore Nintendo fanboys and haters are often the most vocal. This is part of what made the Wii announcement so massive, as Nintendo’s bigger announcements often bring gaming sites to a crawl, but this one had that special something, Nintendo had painted itself as a particular target, and all sought to either ridicule or defend. At the Neo-GAF forums, well known as ground-zero for all video game arguing, 2 928 posts have been made in the Wii name announcement thread as of writing this. I wasn’t able to access their forums when I got up that afternoon though, because the influx of bloodlust had already brought down the site.

The mental deficiencies of gamers were self evident when this drama was going down all across the internet. There were “lol wee lol” jokes posted ad infinitum. Gamers attacked and rationalized the name, mostly attacked, unendingly, image macros were made, declarations of not buying the Wii were made, self-identified Nintendo fanboys announced that they would be abandoning their factions. Many noted that they weren’t huge fans of the name, but that it was just a name and that everyone was retarded for going berserk, these people were subsequently ridiculed as Nintendo fanboys. I am one of those who think “it’s just a name,” and of course, I am a Nintendo fanboy, so maybe it’s the truth.

There are other things gamers like to obsessively argue about, one of the classics is sales statistics. Aside from blindingly cheering on their company of choice, or cheering on the fall of their hated company, hardcore gamers also like to lament about the poor purchasing choices of casual gamers. So do I. North American and European game sales are dominated by the sales of sports games and other “manly” games approved of by the sexually insecure frat boys of the world. This is an old link, but it demonstrates exactly what I’m talking about. The top FIVE slots are football. The same game for the same system actually appears TWICE within the top five because so many people felt the need to own a “Collector’s Edition” of a goddamn football game. A game based off a movie license (Spider-Man 2) appears THREE times on the list! This, my friends, is the end of western civilization. I assure you this retardation is not an isolate incident; August ’04 wasn’t just a weird month where everybody decided they needed a football game. EA releases a new Madden game every single fucking year, and every year it sells this well.

I don’t believe I’ve mentioned yet that virtually all internet video game arguing comes exclusively from males. This isn’t to say that the ladies don’t play the games, because certainly they do, but it appears that the male tendency for continuous cock waving crosses over into this world, and that what drives a great deal of the arguing is actually a drive for men to defend their purchasing decisions. If the arguing took place in real life, likely this would be to the death.

The questionable behavior of gamers is much more widespread than what I’ve talked about so far, I haven’t even mentioned the obsessive power leveling done in MMO’s, the dying from playing too much Starcraft, or the lack of hygiene and proper eating habits. The often meager social skills are probably self-evident and the inability to get laid is well known as well. Truly, the customers of this industry of hell are retarded.

It’s surprisingly difficult to become anyone important in the video game industry. You have to be either old, senile or have never played a video game. Let’s look at who runs the “big three” home console game companies.

Nintendo – Satoru Iwata
Some time ago Nintendo’s mighty president Hiroshi Yamauchi “retired” and was “replaced” by this hippy. He doesn’t exactly look old but miraculous business decisions like “NO ONE WILL EVER WANT TO PLAY GAMES ONLINE” and “MAKING MORE ADD-ON’S FOR THE GAMECUBE WILL HELP SELL IT” prove he’s more senile than even Yamauchi.

Sony – Nobuyuki Idei
Three seconds of research lead me to the conclusion that this man is Sony’s CEO. I have no idea how much of a hand he has in the game department itself. Let’s face it though, he’s old.

Microsoft – Bill Gates
Maybe Mr. Gates isn’t exactly old or senile, but the only game he’s ever played is called “Hey a tech industry we don’t control? Let’s invade!”

To become one of the people who makes the games it’s a little easier, you need to be able to contribute in some fashion to the making of a game, and entirely ignore quality of work in exchange for money. Let’s say you run a third party developing house and are interested in producing a game for a console. But what console to choose? Well if none of the big three will throw any extra cash your way then you’ll make your game for the Playstation 2 because it has the largest user base. It doesn’t matter that the Playstation 2 is outdated or that it’s difficult to program for. Sure, making your game for one of the other two consoles would have meant being able to put more man hours into improving the game instead of spending them on things like figuring out how to utilize the PS2′s architecture so that your game isn’t filled with slowdown and jaggies, but hey, money is money. Don’t forget, graphics are everything too, play mechanics and realistic physics be damned! The good news is, you decide when your game comes out. Sure, it’s nice to release your game around Christmas, but it’s done when it’s done.

If you work directly for one of the big three then your job is a little more simple. Your game will be done whenever the company needs it to be done. What’s that? Another 24 and you’ll make it so people can actually beat the fucking runner in Ocarina of Time and… oh. oh. be rewarded 50 rupees, sorry, guess the player will just have to spend half his 7th grade year trying to figure out how to beat him. If we don’t release this game right now our company will go out of business before we can invent a thing called “Pokemon” and we’ll never be able to live off of it for ten years.

Every company involved in the video game industry makes absolutely illogical decisions every chance it gets. What designer decided the X-Box controller should be the size of a watermelon, what many game testers approved its design? How many analysts and marketers did it take to decide the Gamecube should be purple? When did Sony realize that it’s PS2 should really have duel processors?

Or how about Nintendo and Sega’s choices to constantly come up with new add-ons for their consoles. No add-on for any console has every been successful. But again and again they have chosen to not include certain features with their consoles and later released add-ons which made the feature available. Add-ons were a huge part of Sega’s downfall, reliance on the ability to release add-on’s down the road allowed Nintendo to release the N64, the console which took Nintendo from market dominance to third place by the time the next generation of consoles were released.

A perfect example of industry retardation on all parts would be Nintendo’s sale of it’s second party developer Rare. Rare had saved Nintendo’s ass a couple of times during the life of the N64 but hadn’t done much in awhile. Rare’s contract with Nintendo was up and Nintendo decided to sell it’s biggest second party developer to Microsoft for some massive sum of money. Rare’s intelligence is questionable for not making a sellable game in a few years. Nintendo displays a good bit of the moronic because it could really have used Rare’s games on the Gamecube. Microsoft shows the biggest ineptitude for giving Nintendo tons of money for a company which is infamous for deciding it shouldn’t do anything for five years because it can’t get the fur of its many furry characters to look right.

Then there’s marketing. Sony’s stance on marketing is fairly reasonable. They advertise nice things the PS2 does like play DVD’s but mostly just push the fact that it has an absolutely huge game library. Nintendo and Microsoft have taken slightly different approaches, however. Nintendo just plain doesn’t advertise enough, they do sponsor some contests and have pretty entertaining ads, but the just don’t show them enough. They only advertise their biggest games and don’t help out any of the exclusive second or third party games, games which could really help Nintendo rid itself of that “kiddy” image. Nintendo gets this annoying kiddy image from it’s rivals, mostly Microsoft. Microsoft’s advertising revolves around targeting the lowest common denominator. “Look at our console it has games with big robots that blow each other up and chicks with big tits that play volleyball! Don’t forget our console is also big and manly where that Gamecube is small and purple and is for gay faggy fagots and little kids!”

All in all, everyone involved in the production of consoles and their games is a complete moron who lacks any understanding of the world of gaming.

Part 1: Building a Deck

Before entering a game of Magic, a player must first get himself a deck of cards to battle his evil nemesis. There are two ways of doing this, you can go to a place that sells the cards, slam a bunch of money down and get the guy behind the counter to build you some kind of invincible super deck, which I consider cheating, or do it the old fashioned way and actually build it yourself.

To build yourself a deck all you’ve got to is buy a couple starter decks, a bunch of booster packs, scour the ten cent bins for cards you might want to use and pick out a few singles from the binders of decent cards that the kinds of places that sell this stuff have. Once you’ve got a nice big pile of cards it’s time to start constructing a deck of your very own. I suggest doing all of this buying before learning anything about the game or deciding what kind of deck you want to make. Magic is like crack, every card you buy is a new high and you must get fully addicted to buying cards long before actually playing.

There are five colours in the game of Magic: red, blue, green, black and white. Everybody plays one or a combination of a couple of those colours. What you must decide is what kind of deck you want to have:
1. red – hit people with direct damage by throwing meteors and fireballs at them
2. blue – counter everything everybody tries to do
3. green – pound your opponents with massive and powerful creatures
4. black – play a couple rats and win by complete luck
5. white – gain unimaginable amounts of life and hope everybody kills everybody else off

The only thing to really keep in mind while building a deck for yourself is that the key to winning a game of Magic is to be as annoying as is humanly possible. If you’ve got cards who’s wording is so complex it will take an hour for a veteran player to understand, then you know you should put it in your deck. If you’ve got creatures which have abilities such as “tap to make all opponents lands screaming children who bite their controller’s during their upkeep and shit on them” then it’s probably not annoying enough to put in your deck. If it says “tap to make all opponents lands members of Green Peace who take off their clothes and protest whaling every turn” then that’s just about right.

Part 2: Playing

The story behind Magic is basically that the players are supposed to be some kind of wizards who are at war with each other. So you’ve got yourself a deck and managed to scrounge up a couple wizards who are actually willing to still get hit with fireballs and eaten by giant slugs and now you want to know how to play and actually win. Well, as I said before, it’s all about being as annoying as possible. Use every ability of every card you have every chance you get. If one of your opponents is damaging another one of your opponents, prevent the damage if you can, just to annoy the one doing the damage.

Memorize every nuance of every rule. Make sure everyone faces the punishment for every tiny mistake they make. If they tap some mana and then decide they don’t want to use it, don’t let them untap it and make sure they take manaburn for doing so. At some point you or one of your opponents will, out of complete luck, get a card which will destroy everybody else, the card will get played and somebody will win.

Part 3: Accepting Victory and Defeat

There is no such thing as accepting defeat in the game of Magic. If you lose, it’s because you couldn’t get any mana or your opponent is cheap or a bitch or a cheater. To accept victory all you’ve got to do is jump up and down and scream at all the losers about what big losers they are and laugh maniacally at how truly cool and awesome you are. Because, you know, anybody who can win a game of Magic is also a winner at life.

The first thing to be noted is the demise of Microsoft’s little aborted fetus, the X-Box. With lagging sales in North America and absolutely horrific sales both in Japan and Europe, I here by officially declare the X-Box dead. Some might say it was poor marketing, a complete lack of games or generally bad management on Microsoft’s part, but I know the real reason for this “tragic” loss. ‘Twas I! Using my website’s tremendous reach to the populous at large and the infamous posters which I crafted, as well as my manipulation of the Playstation 2 fan base I brought the Box o’ Death to it’s knees. Now, maybe I don’t deserve all the credit. I would like to thank the legion of Nintendo fanboy’s who’s tireless efforts helped finally put an end to what will always be remembered as the SHIT WHOLE EVIL AS WAL MART-Box.

As I just said, part of the reason for my success came from manipulation of the Playstation 2 fan base. You may recall from the last time I wrote one of these so called “gaming” articles that I appealed to the PS2 “crew,” as well as the Nintendo-ites to fight their now defunct rival, X-Box. I thank you, PS2 loving Nazi’s because I’ll never get a chance to again. You see, with the X-Box gone, I can now concentrate all of my forces on fighting you. That’s right, and you can not stop me! I am but a writer, inspiring the endless masses of die hard Nintendo fanboy’s who’s very lives will be put on the line to see the end of your so called “game system.”

E3 isn’t just about wars between savage fanboys, it’s mostly about Nintendo showing off games they completed months ago but have decided to release two to three years in the future. I will now talk about some of the games for the Gamecube which will be released sometime between now and the return of the Soviet Union.

As you can see, the competition is screwed. The three games featured above are some of the most anticipated in history. Every one of them is guaranteed to look and play amazingly, as well as sell. Obviously, since I didn’t happen to notice any articles talking about Playstation 2 games, it means there aren’t any coming out. I’m sorry you Rosie O’Donnel loving, diaper fetish, cosplaying anal stretchers, your system will soon be envied by no one save the Dreamcast.

The Basics

DDR is the arcade dance-craze that swept that country of mechanical intellectuals a while back. And though the Japanese are all insane anyway…they managed to pull this one off. DDR is by far the best arcade game out there…even beating House of the Dead 2 by a slim margin.



Sure you say…anyone can dance to music when there are only 4 arrows you have to step on. Sounds pretty boring to me” There is no possible way that DDR could *not* be fun… And it does start out pretty easy…one foot movement every 3 seconds or so…but then you try the next harder difficulty level and suddenly your doing 3 arrow combinations and moving your feet at a blur just to keep up.

And if the fact that you have to have almost god-like coordination to actually be good at this insane Made-in-Japan game, the J-Pop is actually pretty good, with an interesting selection of everything from Britney Spears, to O Fortuna(all sped up with a funky beat added behind them of course), and the fact that there are a *lot* of tracks in the game, each with its own steps of course. I believe that the latest edition has 73 songs in it, all of varying difficulty levels.

Whatever the hell comes after the Basics

What the hell am I going to write in this section you ask? I have no idea…so here’s a picture of a DDR machine that is hopefully in an arcade near you.

I give DDR

While the Playstation 2 has the slightest possibility of maybe having a few “decent” games, the X-Box has zero. The X-Box’s success is solely due to a giant marketing campaign funded by everybody’s favorite billionaire tycoon monopolist, Bill Gates. That is why I have decided something must be done. I used to admire Mr. Gates for his tactics and success but he has finally gone too far. He has invaded the inner sanctum of my unholy religion and has forever scared the video game industry. The mere fact the X-Box exists is a slap in the face to every self respecting gamer on the planet earth. First, Bill Gates’ headway into the gaming industry will be reversed and then we will crush his monopoly in the computer operating system business simply for sweet revenge.

Rise, rise up my legion of Nintendo loyalists our time has come! Even the average Playstation fanboys may participate as well since this plague upon our industry affects you as well and has surely already damaged your beloved “PS2″ in disastrous, horrific ways. I have devised our initial battle tactics so that we may make a coordinated first attack, from which the chaos that will engulf Bill Gates may arise.

Everytime anyone, anywhere buys the latest copy of “Windows” they are fueling the X-Box plague. Every time you log into your msn messenger account, every time you watch a video in Microsoft media player, every time you use Microsoft internet explorer it’s as if you went down to your local department store and purchased a copy of Halo. Now please, take part in the anti-Microsoft movement.

Perhaps Microsofts greatest and most sinister weapon is its propaganda machine. Microsoft has thousands of employees all filled with propaganda waiting to pump every unsuspecting vagabond full of pro-Microsoft “information.” That is why we must use it against him. We must take up the job of filling all those pathetic preppy punky bastard morons and the families of children (the people who buy the systems for their kids) full of anti-Microsoft material. We must make the nerds remember their history. We cannot let them forget that they have abandoned all of there gamer history in order to play Halo.

Nurse Joy

Officer Jenny

Image: The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. Nintendo.

and to those who disagree…

Image: Final Fantasy VI. Square-Enix.