Dear Star Trek Advisor,

I am worried about Valentine’s Day coming up. I’m not sure what my girlfriend wants. Any ideas?

-Nervous About V-Day

IMAGE: STAR TREK. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

This Week’s Advisor: Commander Spock

Nervous About V-Day, your conundrum is illogical. If you do not know what your mate wants, simply ask.

I understand that letting your mate know you are not omniscient can be… unpleasant. However, in that case, it may be necessary to remind your mate that you are not Vulcan, Betazoid or Ullian, and therefore do not have access to her mind. Depending on the woman, this has up to an approximately seventy-four point three six two percent success rate.

I have observed many Human courting rituals, some of which produce more positive results than others. Women, despite protests to the contrary, are often very fond of material gifts, fine food and drink, samples of vegetation, and gestures of chivalry. Some Human creativity may be required. As for what your particular female desires, I would highly recommend merely asking her.

Looking to spice up your love life with some Star Trek inspired help? Head on over to the contact page or use the comment form below to submit your question(s) today! The advisor is standing by.

Lie
In filling out my interests for an online dating site, I started by listing things that would hint at bookishness and nerdiness, but hoped to avoid creating the profile of a complete otaku. After “reading,” “writing,” “women’s studies,” “webmastery,” and “nerdliness,” I was out. Soon, I found myself spewing “Harry Potter,” “Star Trek,” and ultimately, even “anime.” As I reflected on this list, I thought “these are my interests?” I’ve noticed most people list things like snowboarding, running, traveling, cooking… interests that require some modicum of skill and energy, hobbies that have at least the potential to provide a small amount of meaning and satisfaction in ones life.

The lesson here is simple: lie. If you’re going to be at all honest in creating a profile for yourself on a dating site, you’re not going to get any single professional women who don’t have the time to meet someone (that’s okay, they don’t exist anyway). You’re not even going to get any “BBW” (they definitely exist). Instead, make up a bunch of shit that makes you sound like an Olympic athlete with attention deficit disorder. If, for example, you’ve seen people play a sport on TV before, feel free to list yourself as having written a doctoral thesis about that sport by method of carving letters in the snow with your snowboard. If you’re asked to list what your ideal date would be, claim romantic walk, as those are cheap and easy.

Additionally, online dating sites often ask you to list details about your personal life like if you’re married, if you have a car, how tall you are, etc. Instead of entering anything plausible for these fields, just imagine what Fabio would list if he were also Barack Obama and use that. There’s no sense in admitting your low income status or crippling drug habit, those might turn women off. Once you’re actually on a date is when you should introduce your match to reality, as people are much less choosey once their own horrible flaws are also apparent.

Post Your Wang
Finding a partner online should not be limited to those serious dating sites, don’t be afraid to post a personal on Craigslist as well. Craigslist allows for a lot more freedom to behave in a repulsive manner and seek out whatever utter depravity you desire. On Craigslist, the number one rule is: no one clicks your ad unless you’ve got a picture in it, and no one responds to your ad unless the picture is of your dick.

If you’re a man seeking a woman, then logically, she’s going to need to see your penis to adequately asses your personality, so be sure to slap that in there. If you’re a man seeking a man, even though you’re straight but seriously just want to get fucked just once, then of course you’re going to need to post your tool. If you’re a man looking for a platonic friend for just hanging out, chilling, going to the mall, and beating off to porn together, then again, you’re going to have to demonstrate your qualities as a friend via wang shot.

Only Talk to Fatties
If you’re using Craigslist, there are only two types of ads posted under women seeking men: fake, and fat. Due to the high volume of fake ads posted on Craigslist by scammers, a code has been developed that women use to indicate to men that their postings are real; they will describe themselves as “Big Beautiful Women,” “BBW.” If any level of physical attractiveness is claimed by a woman, especially through use of a picture, then you know automatically that the posting is a scam.

On dating sites things are a little more complicated, decent looking women do sometimes post at those places. If a woman’s profile has no picture, it means she is ugly beyond imagination and you should probably avoid her. If a woman’s picture makes her look decent, you’ll need to be cautious as she probably has debilitating personality problems, if not, she probably won’t bother talking to you, but you can try if you want. If a woman’s picture uses one of the infamous “MySpace angles,” if she describes herself as BBW, fun, outgoing, or anything else synonymous with fat, then congratulations, you’ve found a target.

Because our society maligns overweight women so significantly that they have to find romantic partners online, they tend to be much more willing to consider the kinds of men who also have to turn to online dating. Be careful though, some fatties have personality problems just like everyone else. If she lists “family,” “friends,” and “movies” as her interests, she’s probably too dull or too dumb to even bother. If her username specifically refers to her dislike of drama or baggage, she will definitely have issues with both.

If you’re really, really, incredibly lucky, you’ll find a fat girl who’s not so much fat as she is chubby, and by chubby I mean busty, and who calls herself fat because she has low self esteem. This is your ultimate goal. Congratulations, you’ve just won at online dating.

Dear Human Female:

I am a University student, webmaster, and all-around excellent young gentleman currently seeking the companionship of a human female. I am willing to be a one-time intimate encounter, a participant in some casual dating, or even a serious boyfriend, plus anything in-between that you can think of.

I look to bring my passion, emotional stability, and arousing good looks to a relationship with you.

Enclosed is a copy of my dating resumé for your perusal as well as a letter of recommendation from a previous girlfriend. If you are interested in pursuing my awesomeness further, you may contact me vial email at newbs@shufflingdead.com.

Yours Truly,

Newbs

Experience

I have had several girlfriends and pseudo-girlfriends previously. Additionally, I have had a couple of casual encounters and gone on many awkward coffee dates. I have also maintained friendships with countless other young ladies over the last several years. Though I have yet to get laid, I have acquired some experience in the field of foreplay, and am confident that I can apply and expand this knowledge.

Interests
My passion is writing, for the past five years I have run the website shufflingdead.com, which is dedicated to exploring the meaning of life, the universe, and everything through articles, comics, and even celebrity interviews. Additionally, I play a disgusting amount of video games and am a tremendous Nintendo fanboy. Other interests include Magic: The Gathering, Star Trek, walking, and building a huge Lego tower out of all my Lego. I look to share these interests with a female companion, and I hope that she will share her interests with me as well.

Physical Status

I am currently in fine physical form. I am not overweight, not am I scrawny. My eyesight is not perfect, though I strive for visual sensory excellence through the use of a pair of glasses. I recently participated in a strenuous daily workout routine involving jump-rope for some four months. I make every effort to maintain my resilient twenty-three year old body so that I may live to a very old age and engage in energetic sexual escapades for a long time to come.

Mental Status

I consider myself to possess exceptional mental prowess. I have developed my writing skills through my website, assignments in University, and even my University’s student paper. My breadth of pop-culture knowledge is formidable, and my analytical skills finely honed. As with my physical status, I recognize that there is always something to improve, and in this case that it is my short term memory.

Additional Skills

• currently learning how to ride a bike
• once jumped rope 100 times without tripping
• have actually beaten Super Mario Bros. The Lost Levels and F-Zero GX
• pretty much all of the gross and fine motor skills that a human being is capable of

To whom it may concern, the following is a letter to confirm that [Newbs] and I, [Roam], entered into a relationship in late December of 2002, which lasted for approximately six months, before finally ending in early May of 2003. It was during this time that [Newbs] put forth valiant efforts to secure the position of my boyfriend, and despite my initial rejection, he continued his campaign to win me over, utilizing a combination of cleverly concocted hair-brained schemes, stalker-like behaviour, and an impressive knowledge of video games. Alarmingly, I found myself falling for his idiosyncratic sense of humour, nerdy good looks, and boyish charm. It was not long before I was picturing him naked.

It quickly became evident to me that [Newbs] is an extremely intelligent and unique individual. In addition, he is eager to please, willing to compromise, always sincere, and though he is perhaps a little obsessive and tight fisted with his money, he is a truly generous person and often acts unselfishly. His desire to avoid conflict makes him quick to solve problems, and I was pleased to find him generally willing to go along with just about any ridiculous idea that I could think of, with little to no complaining. But perhaps his most attractive quality is his highly developed sense of style, which he masterfully exhibits via a plethora of sweatshirts in varying hues of grey and blue.

All things considered, it is my unwavering belief that [Newbs] displays several appealing qualities one might look for in a boyfriend, and would make a fine contribution to any potential relationship. Indeed, he has much to offer the single ladies of the world.

Sincerely,

[Roam]

The Trifecta of Woman

I entered this year with a check list, three simple requirements that would refine my targeting system and streamline the process.

• Hot (any young woman who I could stomach to look at)
• Single (or willing to cheat)
• Puts out (she’d goddamn better)

I was focused, determined, and certain my new mechanized strategy would entirely eliminate my reliance on sappy emotions. This year, this one for sure, I would get laid, and I didn’t much care by whom. “In this world are many like me who’ve killed their emotions. Don’t forget that.” – Shadow, Final Fantasy VI.

Day One

I managed to keep all of that in mind, of course, until about half way through the first day, that’s when I ran into “her.” There are many young women I almost ask out, and I always regret it, but I had spent all summer kicking my own ass over this one. All of that careful planning left me, here stood my primary target, my only target.

She didn’t fit all of the requirements of my checklist. She was hot, that’s for sure. I probably shouldn’t talk about whether she put out or not (women seem to always hate when you do that). It’s the other one that was the real problem, the one about being single. I know, I know, I had been down this road many times before. Robbie Williams says “all the best women are married,” well they’re certainly taken, anyway. It wasn’t just that she was hot either, but brilliant, competent, she didn’t give me a headache, and all of a sudden these things mattered. I had forgotten, in all of my efforts to fuck anyone I could, that what I was really after was a Hermione. Somewhere in the back of my mind intelligence had become the thing I looked for above all else in a woman, yet I wasn’t conscious of that fact until the moment I ran into “her.”

The “Her” Phenomenon

I call this The “Her” Phenomenon, because that’s how they talk in overwrought teen movies when the protagonist falls immediately in love with most unattainable girl at his high school. It’s when you find the kind of girl you can’t get over, the kind you struggle and bash your head against your computer desk for, but can’t get past. There are only two things you can do when you find yourself in this predicament, try to get over her by going after everything that can walk, and fail, or you can hurl yourself at her, in the most all-out, balls-to-the-wall, maniacal fashion imaginable, and fail. I chose that latter.

Treatment

For those of you who find yourselves in the same situation I was in, I here present the best advice that I can, though it is a way of pain. It is a long and perilous journey that ends inevitably in disaster. You might get beat up by her boyfriend, she might stop talking to you, she might steal your books, but most likely you will be crushed and left distraught.

Let her know you don’t care if she has a boyfriend, ’cause “fuck that guy.” There’s no need to hide your intentions, tell her “I’m morbidly attracted to you,” you’re going all-out, remember. Be incredibly lucky and have her and her boyfriend break up for reasons completely unknown to you. Shave once a week. Be lucky again and run into her out of sheer coincidence over and over again. Ask her out weekly for two months; let her know you’re going to “harass her into submission.” Finally get a date, try to kiss her, get rejected. Ask her out weekly for another two months, have her ask for a kiss, kiss her. Date her for a month, have her break up with you.

Aftermath

It was some two or three months ago that I went through all of this. I found myself asking “where does a person go from here?” My first girlfriend in four years, and it had ended after a month. I guessed at why it didn’t work, why it never works. I stabbed bitterly at the dark and exclaimed “if only I were a foot taller, if I were rich, if I had my own place, if I had my own car, if I played sports, if I could swim, if I could ride a bike, if only I hit women and cheated on them, then I’d succeed!” I followed this up by thinking “maybe if I weren’t so bitter and miserable, stopped being a ranting lunatic, then I’d succeed.” Well, maybe.

I don’t think this experience was a poor one. After all, I did have a girlfriend, not for very long, but I did. It is with annoyance that I am forced to admit that all relationships can, at least, be learned from. Here’s what I learned this time around:

• Driving might be a legitimately useful skill for more than impressing shallow women.
• I don’t have to talk to girls online to pick them up.
• Holding off on showing women my website is a good thing.
• Not introducing women to my friends is key.
• I probably shouldn’t get drunk in front of the women I’m pursuing.
• Those who hesitate, masturbate.

I had hoped to be Ron to her Hermione, a bit of a screw-up, but somehow attractive in her eyes. Really though, I’m not a Ron, I have no interest in Quiditch, and I’m not interested in women interested in men who are interested in Quiditch. Maybe I’m more of a Neville Longbottom, and perhaps I should be looking for more of a Luna Lovegood. This is, ultimately, what I’ve learned. I might find intelligence a very attractive quality, and even though I like to think I’m decently intelligent, you need to have more in common than that. I need to go after the crazier women, because those are the ones I have the most in common with.

Dear Human Female:

I am a University student, webmaster, and all-around excellent young gentleman currently seeking the companionship of a human female. I am willing to be a one-time intimate encounter, a participant in some casual dating, or even a serious boyfriend, plus anything in-between that you can think of.

I look to bring my passion, emotional stability, reliability, and interesting personality to a relationship with you.

Enclosed is a copy of my dating resume for your perusal. If you would be interested in pursuing my awesomeness further, you may contact me via email at newbs@shufflingdead.com.

Yours Truly,

Newbs

Experience

I have had one girlfriend previously, and additionally been friends with countless other young ladies in the last several years. Though none of these interactions have led me to get laid, I have acquired some experience in the field of foreplay, and am confident that I can apply and expand this knowledge.

Interests

For the past five years I have run the website www.shufflingdead.com, which is dedicated to exploring the meaning of life, the universe, and everything through articles, comics, and even celebrity interviews. Additionally, I play a disgusting amount of video games and am a tremendous Nintendo fanboy. Other interests include Magic: The Gathering, RISK, bonsai, reading, Star Trek, walking, and building a huge Lego tower out of all my Lego. I look to share these interests with a female companion, but I am also interested in finding new interests, introduced to me by this female companion.

Physical Status

I am currently in fine physical form. I am not overweight, nor am I scrawny. My eyesight is not perfect, though I strive for visual sensory excellence through the use of a pair of glasses. Although there is certainly nothing wrong with my current appearance, I have recently begun an exercise routine to strengthen and tone my resilient twenty-one year old body.

Mental Status

I consider myself to possess exceptional mental prowess. I have developed my writing skills through my website, assignments in University, and even the University of Alberta student paper. My breadth of my pop-culture knowledge is formidable, and my analytical skills finely honed. As with my physical status, I recognize that there is always something to improve, and in this case that is my short term memory.

Additional Skills

-currently learning how to ride a bicycle
-some degree of html and web mastery skills
-pretty much all of the gross and fine motor skills that a human being is capable of

The solution is elegant, brilliant in its simplicity, and wholly foolproof. It is one word; it is “volcano.” A code word for signaling to those attempting to interfere with your dick-in-vagina action that whoever is your target is, in fact, your target. That you claim this target as your own, and that for increasing the average happiness of humanity, they must cease whatever it is that they are doing and leave.

The line may be delivered in several ways. In more crowded social settings such as a bar, where subtlety is key and cock-blocking may be unintentional, a whispering of the word is all that is needed. In a more personal setting such as a party, where an individual is making blatant and obnoxious attempts to prevent you from getting laid only in order to assure that you remain a virgin as long as they, a guttural battle cry of “VOOLLLCCCCAAAAANNNNNNOOOOOOO!!” must be made.

The level of fury that you must convey with the word can be difficult for beginners, knowing how loudly to bellow depends on two factors. First, and most importantly, try to determine why the cock-blocking is occurring. If someone you do not know very well is hitting on your target, they may be doing so because they do not realize that this is your target, or they may be disregarding your attempts because they do not know you and are therefore not concerned with you. In either case, only a subtle utterance of “volcano” is needed, and is likely to be respected because your competitor is merely trying to get laid, just as you are, and can hopefully see the logic of not competing directly with anyone. If your target is being hit on or harassed by someone you know, or if your interactions with your target are actually being hindered by a person you know, the much more violent form of the word must be used. It is most likely that the people you know committing volcano are not doing so in a genuine attempt to get laid, but rather to hinder you in some fashion in order garner your hatred or salvage their egos by preventing you from attracting a mate as long as they also remain mate-less.

Aside from who is committing volcano upon you, the other factor which must be considered is the anticipated reaction of your target from your screaming of the word. A random bar person may find it frightening, outside their narrow definition of normality, and once again loud bellowing should be avoided. In more intimate settings, however, where the target is likely much less random, and a target has a much greater understanding of your eccentric personality, a hearty scream of “VOLCANO” will not only serve to drive your oppressors away, but may serve to gain favour with your target, as they will now know without question that you are hitting on them.

The name “Project Reality” comes from the codename Nintendo used for the N64 while it was in development. There was always something epic and tragic about that period in the company’s history. When they lost so much 3rd party support, people talked about Nintendo’s “dream team” of in house developers trying to support the console. They did some amazing things of course, Mario 64 was revolutionary, I’ve heard Ocarina of Time described as Zelda creator Miyamoto’s “magnum opus.” In the end though, the console still represents Nintendo’s fall from the top of the industry. It reminds me somehow of the Soviet Union beating back the Nazi’s in World War II, the Soviet’s won, but at what cost? These are the very things which my Project Reality embodies, a point in history so epic that is sad in a way, the last march of the Ents, if you will.

Project Reality’s true force comes from a cracking of my own self-control. For this plan, I shall catapult myself into the deepest, dankest depths of the most uncomfortable situations I can possibly imagine.

For instance, I have picked up I single “get-up,” a shirt, a pair of pants, and a method of styling my hair, which all shoe-horn me directly into modern “fashion.” The jeans come from one of the most vial corporations on earth, The Gap. Not only that, but they are jeans which the company is actually advertising on tv right now, that’s how much of a fucking sell out I am. Speaking of shoe-horning, these fucking jeans are so tight I have to finagle my manly man package down into them. This look, on a whole, is the most atrocious and even degrading thing I can possibly imagine, and from here on out it will be known simply as my “clown costume.” Apparently though, the ladies like this sort of thing. Not just that, but since I am a repeat offender of deciding I enjoy a particular lady simply by the way she looks, I suppose that this is only fair. My plan is to wear this clown costume when I am around the ladies, so that they might notice my scrawny nerd body in a sexual manner. Doing this will hopefully head off that nasty habit the ladies have of skipping right to the “friend zone” with me.

New clothes may get a young lady interested in a human male, but something more is needed for this scheme to come to fruition. This is where Project Reality’s second plan comes in. A member of the Shufflingdead forums recently suggested I follow the evil plot devised by Something Positive in this comic. The idea is that I write a dating resume and give it out to girls in malls, bars, the street, and wherever else I might encounter targets. Sadly, I am struggling with writing this resume at the moment. Here is the cover letter as it stands:

---

Dear Human Female,

I am a University student, webmaster, and all-around excellent young gentleman currently seeking the companionship of a human female. I am willing to be a one-time intimate encounter, a participant in some casual dating, and even a serious boyfriend, plus anything in-between that you can think of.

Enclosed is a copy of my dating resume for your perusal. If you would be interested in pursuing my awesomeness further, you may contact me via email at newbs@shufflingdead.com.

“Newbs”

---

And the resume:

---

Dating Resume

Experience

I have had one girlfriend previously, and additionally been friends with countless other young ladies in the last several years. Though none of these interactions have led me to get laid, I have acquired some experience in the field of foreplay, and am confident that I could apply and expand this knowledge.

Interests

For the past four years I have run the website www.shufflingdead.com, which is dedicated to exploring the meaning of life, the universe, and everything through articles, comics, and even celebrity interviews. Additionally, I play a disgusting amount of video games and am a tremendous Nintendo fanboy. Other interests include Magic: The Gathering, RISK, bonsai, reading, porn, walking, and building a huge Lego tower out of all my Lego. I look to share these interests with a female companion.

Skills

-currently learning how to ride a bicycle
-some degree of html and web mastery skills
-pretty much all of the basic and fine motor skills that a human being is capable of

---

Perhaps you see my difficulty. I really don’t know what the ladies are looking for, so I really have no fucking clue how to sell myself to them. I’m also pretty sure this resume makes me sound like a jackass. If you’d like to help me out on this noble endeavor, toss your ideas in.

So far, these are the only two plans to come out of Project Reality. As more ideas develop, I shall make you, the internet, privy to their inner workings. That is, of course, only if these current plans fail. Fuck knows, I might just get one of these things right one day.

As you’ve probably guessed, I just had my first adventure to a so called “strip joint.” I’d like to start off by offering my take on the event. Once I got past the preposterous cover charge and the meddling waitresses, I started getting scared as hell of a few things. My anger turned to fear as it occurred to me that there’s always a chance of getting shot or stabbed; afterall, this is where Tony Soprano conducts business meetings. I started wondering if I’d be forced to interact with the strippers some how, hassled for money maybe, that sort of thing. All of that got pushed out of my mind pretty quickly though, and here’s how: there was a naked woman dancing on a poll in front of me. The great thing about the strippers is that the critics are completely wrong about them; it’s not demeaning to women and it doesn’t make them seem like objects. I found the point at which the girl tried to get money from me to be as intimidating as fuck. I realized just who had the power at that very point, she wasn’t being demeaned, I was. So what does this all mean, you might be asking? Well it means that seeing women take off their clothes on stage is better than seeing them do the same on video, but that it doesn’t make wank material.

No, that’s not the point, let me start again. This story actually begins here, more specifically, here. Sociologists map the sexual interactions in a high school and this is what they get. I came across this study a few days ago and it had managed to burrow itself into my mind. Are you noticing the guy who “banged” 9 (9!) girls? What about the girl who did 4 guys and a chick? Or the one young lady who fucked 6 guys? I sure as hell noticed. At one point the article notes “Slightly more than half of all students reported having sexual intercourse, a rate comparable to the national average.” Well I’ll be! This whole fucking study was a bloody rampage of pain and suffering for me just a couple days ago. My only consolation was that I find little charts like this pretty cool.

This study took me right back to high school, a time when masturbation wasn’t just a pastime, it was a way of life. You see… I’m not getting laid now, and I certainly didn’t get laid in high school. Sure, I’ve always known that it’s not a big deal, and I’ve understood for a long time that it’s best not to worry about these things. It’s just, somehow, this study was really getting to me. Sometime just a couple days ago I realized I had hit rock-fucking-bottom. High school had sowed the seeds of bitterness that had managed to manifest themselves in my waking mind with this study. Sure, I was angry and horny back then, but recently I had turned into a big buttered ball of bitter.

Since then though, I’ve been to the strippers and I have learned much. Apologies all around if I’m about to sound preachy or perhaps optimistic, but I’ve learned from the strippers. Since visiting their house of sin I have had a revelation. When those girls try getting you to huck money at them, they are intimidating like no brutish man could ever be. They say sex is a powerful weapon, and strippers wield it with a Samurai’s skill. I have lived to tell the tale of the tail and let me say this; the ladies on my bus just don’t seem so intimidating any more. I think now is the time of my ascension, lock up your daughters and all that rot. If you’re afraid of women, I recommend going to see the strippers and staring your menace right in the cunt.

The first really successful strategy that I discovered was the “talking to attractive quiet girl strategy.” There had developed an odd scenario before a particular class of mine, where every day the same few people would get there really early to stand around in the hall and wait. Being the busy, important guy that I am, I was one of these people. I quickly noticed a girl at this little gathering that stuck out, she was hot. I’m not talking about any normal definition of hot, you know, involving big tits, dick sucking lips and a tight ass (though she did have the fairest body in all the land). I’m not even talking about any of those fetishes I have, she didn’t have red hair and freckles, she didn’t look really young and wear braces, and she didn’t wear a choker and gaming t-shirts. No, I mean that this girl somehow transcended all that into some kind of category of lovely that I cannot even define. One day I managed to talk to her before heading into class, I even managed to continue the conversation long enough that we went into class together and sat together. Why, before I new it we were talking all the time. Oh… uhh, second thought, I did not pick this girl up. She started ignoring and avoiding me after a few days. It was a positive learning experience though; start conversations with girls and you’re likely to end up with ones that have virtually no interest in saying anything to you. It’s impossible to get a girl if she doesn’t communicate her need for cock!

Carrying this incredible piece of knowledge, I moved onto my second victim. Instead of trying to talk to girls, I was going to position myself beside one who dressed in a manner that I have a particular fetish for and see if she started talking to me. And so I did just that, sat down in another class of mine, did not open my mouth. It worked. Yes, even I am amazed at my genius some times. She talked, I talked, she had deep knowledge of all the nerdy-ness that inhabits my life. Truly, I thought, this time will work. Hmm… I just realized, I didn’t pick this girl up either. Turned out she had some kind of “boyfriend.” You’ve got to look out for that at University, sometimes those ladies are taken. I’ve even heard reports of engaged ladies and married ladies, that shit’s fucked up. Well anyway, this again was a good learning experience; don’t go after girls with boyfriends, not ones who aren’t willing to cheat on him, anyway.

Armed now with two rock solid pieces of women seducing knowledge I moved onto my third target. Or rather, targets, I should say. You see this time I set my sights on two girls, I knew they talked because I had communicated with them before, and I knew they didn’t have boyfriends because, well, they seemed to be dating each other. This time for sure, I was going to get laid. Things started off really well too, these were girls who I could talk to about my nerd habits, and these were girls who didn’t have boyfriends. I was really making headway. Shit, uhm, actually this strategy didn’t get me laid, come to think of it. It occurred to me after awhile that no matter how swimmingly I could get along with a human female, if she was taken by another human female, I probably didn’t have a chance in hell. The lesson is, obviously, don’t go after girls with girlfriends, unless of course they’re clearly communicating some kind of want to include you in their “together time.”

Sadly, those were all the strategies I tried in my first semester of University. Yeah, it turns out I didn’t get laid, didn’t get any action at all. So I suppose it’s not true what the movies say, maybe it’s actually impossible to get laid in University. Or maybe it’s possible and I just haven’t banged out a blue print for it yet. Whatever the case may be, I’ll be back in school shortly and I will immediately start forming new tactics, based on what I’ve now learned, and we’ll see where I get.

The first thing you, as a not so young but still not old male, should recognize is that you’re in a relationship with a girl for reasons besides sex. Admit it, underneath all those pleads for blow jobs and rantings about how you really oughta be having sex because it’s damn well part of being a couple, is a need for companionship. You know it’s true, you’re in love with the girl and she makes life just a bit easier to take. The second you recognize this, you’re on your way to breaking up. You see, in a relationship, there must always be a dependent, whether you define this role as being the “woman” or the “bitch” it will only work if the female fills the role. The second you, the male, turn into the one making all of the plans, the one who does the phoning, and the one who cries, your relationship is doomed.

The whole dynamic revolves around a simple concept: the guy is in it for the sex, the woman is in it for the companionship. Deep down, the ladies are only in it for some serious deep dicking, the guys are only in it for the companionship, but each side hides these facts and always pretends the opposite is true. If a girl ever admits to liking sex for the pleasure aspect, she’s considered a slut, if a guy ever admits to being in a relationship for the emotional aspect, he’s considered a pussy. How courting rituals ever became this truly illogical, I have no idea. I am afraid however, these are the rules that have been set and all people are forced to follow them. So it’s simple I guess, you just have to break this one rule and your relationship is going to disappear, unless of course, the girl goes out and gets herself a strap-on and the guy really likes taking it from a girl wearing a strap-on. A girl likes being ignored, she likes being used, she likes being forced into bizarre sexual practices, she likes making all the plans, she likes bludgeoning her man with a croquet mallet just to get him to utter “I love you.” A man likes being told “I love you,” he likes getting plans made for him, he likes being obsessed over and he likes “cuddling” in even its least sexual form.

So let’s say you’ve found this absolutely wonderful girl and you’ve been getting along just swimmingly for a couple of months now when all of a sudden it feels like something’s wrong. She ditches you because she’s “tired” and she forgets to call you a couple of times. You’re thinking, okay, she’s having a bad week, maybe we’ve just seen too much of each other lately and you don’t really worry about it. Then all of a sudden you’re chatting with her on msn and she says she’s not really sure she wants to be with you anymore. Well, of course, there’s only one plausible course of action, spend the next two days crying in your room and crafting a letter in which you pour all the cheeziest lines and emotional sap you can muster. You then go to her with this letter and guilt her into staying with you. At this point you’ll be so relieved you’re still together that you’ll forget half the arguments she had as to why you should break up and just pretend it’s all okay again.

Fortunately, since you’re trying to end things, remember, it will never be okay again. This is the point when the role of “bitch” is transferred to the male. All of that great “experimentation” will end, all of that sitting around and not worrying about anything while she calls you and makes plans will come to a screeching halt. There is no such thing as pity sex. I know it’s hard to take, but it’s the cold hard truth. For awhile there is such a thing as pity making out and pity staying together, but it all comes unraveled as time goes by.

In true trying to break up with a girl fashion, you’ll stumble along together for a couple more months with you as the woman and all it’ll seem okay, when one night you’ll be recollecting together and “that time she tried to break up with you” will come up and you’ll press her on the issue, you’ll say “so it was all okay after that night, huh?” and it’ll turn out it wasn’t. Seems she’s just sort of been pretending to be your girlfriend. Excellent! You can tell that this is almost the end! Victory is at hand! She’ll practically beg you to let the damn relationship die. This is a trick, a clever ploy to try to keep you together, don’t go along with it! Beg her to just try a little longer, say a month.

You have now entered the end game. It’s all positioning now. Wait just a couple of weeks, then tell her it’s not fair being the woman all the time and she’ll stupidly take the opportunity to point out that this is exactly why you should break up. Bingo! She’s fallen for your trap. A little more pleading from you to stay together is all it takes as she finally says “there’s nothing you can do about it, I’m breaking up with you.” Congratulations, you’ve successfully tricked the girl into ending the relationship.

I will now disprove all advice I’ve ever heard.

“It’s all about confidence!”
Probably the most common piece of advice a person looking for some action gets is this lovely oversimplified statement. Of course, they’re half right, but I like to think of them as being completely and mind numbingly wrong in every possible way. You see, by confidence, they mean you have to brag about completely normal, but still important and major things, that make you look like a responsible young man. I’m talking about things like having a job that makes more money than those lower class friends of yours you have around simply to make you look good as well as having your own car and the ability to drive it with mild proficiency. Now, it’s true that the ladies like a guy with confidence. The thing is, you just have to show her that you are confident in different ways. For instance, a willingness to do absolutely anything short of risking arrest in public. Not being afraid to openly discuss your nerdy interests is also an asset.

“Spruce up your style a bit dude!”
I’m afraid that changing just to fit the ideals of our society does nothing but show a lack of confidence, which was just determined to be quite important. Instead, sticking with whatever entrenched habits of dress and diet you might have shows character.

“Avoid Instant Messaging at All Costs!”
They say using some sort of instant messaging service is guaranteed to make you look bad. They say “chatting” with somebody is meaningless, they say no one has ever succeed from using this software. They are wrong! Comprehensively tested and perfected, chatting with someone, even if it’s the only form of communication you have with a person can do incredible things.

“It’ll always happen when you’re not looking for it!”
Well I’m sure people find companions when they’re not looking for one from time to time but in the end it really makes no difference. All someone has to do is slowly introduce a potential “life-mate” to their desperation and all will be fine, just remember to not come on too strong too quickly.

One would think it makes no sense, I mean, I’ve disproved every piece of dating advice I’ve ever heard and none of my unique contrivances ever worked either, so what’s the trick you say? Well kids, today you’re in for a treat, today I’m going to give you the only scheme that will ever work. Article after article, I have come up with plans, and plots and even machinations describing various ways to catch yourself a lady. Well today I offer you an incredible new idea regarding the art of “fishing for females.” This new monstrosity is so truly remarkable that it worked for even yours truly. Now I realize I stated above in big bold letter that no amount of advice will ever help you, but even more recently I stated that I have developed a plan that will work. So who you gonna believe? Some kinda crazy ass bold lettered, or should I say bold faced lie, or a nice sensible statement about a plan to trick a girl into loving you? Huh? Huh? That’s what I thought…

It all starts with my very first dating article. You see, back then I claimed the best way to find yourself a female was to find some poor sucker on ICQ to harass. Well, it seems that all it takes is practice in the art of online chatting to seduce a young lass. Sure, that first girl quickly decided to never talk to me again, and so did the next couple girls after that. Eventually I managed to hang onto a few and even kept talking to them when everyone made the switch from ICQ to MSN. Hell, there’s even the odd chapette who talks to me on a regular basis IN REAL LIFE that I met this way. This is what I recommend you begin with. Girls are more willing to listen to your babble over the internet, which gives you a perfect opportunity to introduce them to the few personal “quirks” you might posses which would typically make you “un-datable.”

Once they’re starting to enjoy chatting with you and seem to be fairly comfortable with the various habits you’ve developed in your lifetime it’s time to start laying the guilt on them. Start working into your conversations little jokes about your past attempts at acquiring females. If you’ve got it, show them the website you built dedicated to whining about how you can’t get a girlfriend. Eventually, convince them they need to give you advice on how to get a girl. If they do, you’ve got them right where you want them my son. You see, the advice will, obviously, be tailored to their own preferences. Pay careful attention to everything they tell you and start taking their recommendations. If they tell you you need to start smelling like a fruit, then gay it up a little and use fruity smelling stuff. It’s during this time you need to trick the girl into hanging out with you. After all, she won’t know you smell funny unless she sees you in real life. What you’ve got to do is look for excuses, if you’ve got any mutual friends, that makes it easy, especially if said mutual friend has a birthday coming up and you both have an urge to express your artistic capabilities through his gift.

All it takes now is to show this girl, who you’re cautiously becoming madly infatuated with, the many benefits of a joint gift. If the girl is not some sort of evil wretched demon beast (careful, some of them are) she will gladly come to your place of residence for the purpose of creating a lovely artistic creation for your friend. You, of course know that this encounter is not simply for artistry. Nay, it is an excuse to see her and work your “magic.” Like I said, if she wants you to smell like apricot and cucumbers soaked in raspberry juice, then be sure to be chewing a gum that smells like that. If she had some other kinds of dating advice, then you’d best be doing those things.

From here on it’s all clear sailing. Yes, there is the actual “asking out” one of you must do, all that takes though is some carefully placed “I like you more than my Gamecube, I’d ask you out but I am a fearful little boy” statements on MSN and soon enough you’ll be talking to her on the telephone and she’ll suddenly say “will you go out with me?” to which, now this is important to remember, you must reply “yes.” I know that it’s easy to get caught up in the jumping up and down and giggling like a school girl business you can’t wait to start, but first you absolutely must say yes. There you have it, that’s it. Easy to follow and applicable to anyone’s situation, my tried tested and true guide really works.

Strategy 1: The Group

The strategy which I am proposing today is one far different from my earlier ones. You see, before it was all about selecting a specific “target” and going all out to impress and gain the affections of that one female. While doing this can be successful, your chances are far greater if you go after many females at once. I don’t mean by yourself, I mean you and your “crew” all working together to gain the attentions of an entire “gaggle” of young females. You must fight side by side, each doing his part for the greater good! One of you can use his incredible good looks to lure the ladies in, while another can drive a car, and do all the work. A third can use his sexy accent and never ending sports pains to get them closer, and the fourth can use his powers of thinking up random late night activities to finally “close the deal.”

Strategy 2: The Sympathy

P’raps it’s the new world order which has seemingly changed the mind set of every female on the face of the earth or p’raps it’s the pills I’ve been sneaking into the ladies drinks lately but I’ve noticed some incredible changes as of late. I will tell you my long guarded secret! Now, there’s an order to things, so pay attention. First off, select a few girls, or as I like to call them “targets” that you wish to acquire for your next orgy. Harass them, say offensive things to them, act like you’re stalking them to the point that they say things like “go away” and “fuck off” as soon as they see you. You might think that this is the end, but you’d be wrong, now you’ve got them! Stop talking to them altogether, look unhappy and depressed whenever they’re around, and be sure to make it seem as though their cruelty has driven you to the brink of suicide. Continue doing so until they start talking to you. The first few times they talk to you, you’ll want to be quiet, serious and still look somewhat depressed but after awhile you can go back to acting like your old perverted self again. You’ve won, victory is yours! The female will now be completely obsessed with you and you can ask her out whenever you bloody well feel like. The reason why this works is that the female feels it is important to know someone for a while before engaging in licking.

In the past few months much has changed on the “scene.” For instance, did you know that you can now get a girl to show you her “fun bags” just by hanging out and applying a little peer pressure? Well, if that example tells us anything, it’s that, instead of being all “nice ‘n’shit,” you can simply be a “keen dude.” If you constantly scream offensive things, make bad jokes which may be cleverly camouflaged as “witty” and if you generally act moronic enough to be noticed, then you’re cool enough to convince a pair of “phat chicks” to show you their “phat sacks,” if you’re into that whole “I don’t need a girlfriend, I’ve got high school girls to take advantage of!” mindset, that is. It’s all because of the sympathy method which must first be taken care of. I would also like to mention that if you accidentally end up kissing one of these females, it doesn’t count and it wasn’t an actual kiss because you didn’t know what the fuck you were doing. DAMN YOU ALL!

Ahh, a pair of perfectly moral strategies to ponder. My conscience is clear!

Valentines Day is a time to remind all of your inferior friends that you are good enough to have a “special someone.” To do this, of course, you’ve got to make it as blatantly obvious as possible that you are “attached” and that they are not. I really do feel sorry for all of those useless rejects incapable of getting a “sweetheart” which is why I have decided to come to their rescue. Here’s what you are required to do on Valentines Day if you happen to be a freak and are unable to get a grab-ass partner of your own:

• Wear a giant chocolate box just like Steve Urkel did

  If you happen to have a special lady who’s resisted your attempts at cracking into her “under clothing” just as Steve Urkel did then this is just the ticket! You’ll be sure to get her attention when you break into her kitchen, ask her if she’d like a chocolate and then say something along the lines of “the one in the middle is the sweetest.” If she still refuses then what you must do is invent a machine which will change your clothes, stretch your vocal cords so as to produce a deeper, sexier man voice and legally change your name to something cooler such as Stefan Urkél. This is most definitely the one sure course of action for the desperate “teen male.” After all, nothing shows off confidence more than changing your entire personality to impress one girl.
  
  

• Express your emotions to your lady target with poetry
  If by some chance you look like the fellow on the right and have a name similar to Cyrano then expressing your love for a particular lady must be done with poetry! Go to the window of your lady loves room at night with a bull horn and begin reciting your very own poetry. If you are not intelligent enough to write your own poetry then you may borrow some of my own:
  
  Roses are red,
  violets are blue.
  I want you in my bed
  so I can cover you in “glue.”
  
  
  

• Show him your “jubilies”
  This advice was not written simply for males which is why I give this advice to the ladies. Any male, will absolutely, without question, accept a young lady as his “Valentine” as long as she flashes him those lumps of fat you carry around on your chest. It doesn’t matter if a guy has a girlfriend, wife, hands or a blow-up doll he will be yours for at least one night.

If you follow any one of those mind expanding propositions you are guaranteed either a fuck buddy or a restraining order. Good luck to all those lonely hearts out there!

Finding a target

As I told one avid reader of my site:

“you should contact random people from your school, talk to them about the occasional thing you have in common. Then, when they least expect it, invite them to a movie.”

All I know is that ICQ is where to do this.

ICQ

Never talk to a female who contacts you. Especially if the very first thing she says is:


“got a pic?”


Put her immediately on the ol’ ignore list.

ICQ is for meeting people, and talking to people you would never talk to in real life. It’s much easier to say what you want when hiding behind a computer. However, it must only be used to talk to a person and getting to know them. NEVER should you ask someone out over ICQ, and if you’re going to ask them out on a date over ICQ, make sure you both know it’s a date. History shows us that if you ask a girl out to a movie as a friend, she’ll assume it’s a date, and asking them out on a date will seem like your hanging out as friends.

The problem is, it is impossible to express emotion through chatting alone. ICQ is only the first step. After that, horror of horrors, you have to talk to them in real life.

Casual Conversations

Perhaps one of the biggest obstacles to overcome initially is talking to females. I will admit that this is an integral part to finding a “chick”. The key here is to consume massive amounts of alcohol before you first talk to your target face to face. Since, quite often, the “first time” is at school, drinking is not a good idea. Eventually, the foolish side of you will win through and you will find yourself talking to a lovely young lady.

Now, while talking to her, KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF! Don’t put them in your pockets either. Don’t rub your hands together as if you are plotting to blow up the world. Simply leave them at your sides. Sew them down if you have to.

Compliments are always welcome, just don’t compliment her physique. One other thing, don’t just say “hi” to her and then leave her and her friends to talk amongst themselves. This leads to a disintegration of whatever progress made thus far.

Trouble Shooting

It seems that simply following these easy to remember suggestions is not enough. If, for some unforeseen reason, a girl agrees to go on a date with you and then can’t, she will refuse to ever go out with you again. She will say things like “I thought you were just kidding about that” or “yeah, I wanted to go with you, back then” THIS IS THE END! She obviously believes that since you didn’t go out when you initially were going to, you were not meant to go out, ever. If this occurs, it means it is time to move on, think of another hot girl from your school, find her on ICQ and don’t make the same mistakes again.