Shower, taken

Breakfast, bacon

Attire, wrinkled

Bus pass, crinkled

Donut, sprinkled

Train, missed

Feeling, triste

Coworkers, pissed

Lateness, noted

Employee, undevoted

Timesheet, miscoded

Work, incorrect

Disdain, indirect

Revisions, needed

Instructions, repeated

Words, heated

Lunch, tasteless

Emails, faceless

Criticisms, baseless

Small talk, engaging

Internally, raging

Fakeness, suffocating

Coffee break, long

Work, again wrong

Sorrowful, song

Home time, desired

Avoided being, fired

Everyday, so tired

To begin, I need you to admit something, and that is the joy of laziness as compared to the strain of living life fully. You see, you can’t be cheap until you figure out how much time you could be spending not working, and the merits of that not working. Imagine, surviving without overtime, full employment, or even any employment, basking in the free time that that would provide, as well as the malaise you could replace it with. Additionally, consider the acceptability of living with your parents, not doing anything on weekends, and never leaving your house. I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to be cheap without first having this little epiphany.

Let’s move on to the details of living cheaply. I’ll start with “living with your parents,” since I already brought that one up. Although I reference living with certain people specifically, that isn’t your only option, and indeed, may not even be your best option. The trick is really to find a living space in which you will not have to pay a rent, mortgage, food, or utility bill. Many, especially younger people, will accomplish this easily by simply living with their parents. Other options include: house sitting, squatting, leaching off of a romantic partner, and homelessness. If you choose to live off of a romantic partner, you may initially have issues with guilt, but once your legs meet the cushion, you just won’t care any more.

Learn to live with whatever amenities your patron provides. Some may find that food and utilities are covered, but luxuries such as cell phones and car insurance are not. Sorry, but you’ll have to go without those things, just don’t leave your house or have friends (unless those friends are your patrons). Those things should be easy to give up, as I already explained, laying around is an acceptable form of living as compared to working.

There are some expenses which will be unavoidable, unless you have an extremely generous charity supporting you. Hair grooming, prophylactics, and clothing are good examples. I’ve said before that a person really can cut his or her own hair, provided he or she is willing to accept the butchered consequences. Getting laid is necessary to mental health, and having children is about the most expensive thing you can do, so I recommend just going ahead and buying the damn condoms. Clothing though, that’s a more interesting proposition. Making cheap clothing purchases is a matter of compromising with your vanity. Shop around, go to big-box stores and Salvation Army, pick out whatever you can live with, and just stock up. I once managed to find $3 sweaters at Canadian Wal~Mart wannabe Zellers and I bought four. Having constant vigilance for sales is key.

Incredible though it may seem, following what I have said above is all you need to live a truly cheap and unfulfilling life.

Location: The Office

Job Classification: Office Sidekick. Permanent Full-Time

Openings: 1

Open Until Vacancy is Filled.

Salary Range: To Be Negotiated

Duties:

As the assistant to the assistant, the office sidekick shall report to everyone in the office. Work tasks include answering the telephone, filing, sorting the mail, faxing, and assorted clerical duties as assigned. Numerous work-related consultations are required to take place throughout the day.

Qualifications:

The successful candidate shall possess the ability to listen carefully and nod at appropriate times as massive office bitching occurs. Initiative in the form of uttering such encouraging phrases as ‘I agree’ and ‘I most certainly do know what you mean’ is preferred.

The ability to avoid office rumours is required. Must be able to wear sweaters for long periods of time. Candidates named Chadwick, Beatrice, Eunice, and Worthington are preferred. A moustache is an asset.

Successful completion of our rigorous skill-testing examination, as well as a criminal record check, is required. We thank everyone for their interest in employment with our organization; however, only those deemed worthy shall be contacted for an interview. Candidates with lesser qualifications may be considered at a lower classification and salary scale.

In George Orwell’s classic novel 1984, ultimate control over a population is achieved when citizens are not simply forced to serve a ruler, but for their will’s and mind’s to be broken, so that they actually love their ruler, known in the novel as “Big Brother.” This is precisely the procedure applied in the working world, and the degree to which it is applied is the main difference between office and retail. In a retail job, even high ranking officials are often willing to grant some admission of the shittyness of the job, and of the company as a whole. An employee working under this environment is able to maintain some miniscule shred of identity and dignity by wallowing in self pity and hatred of his position.

Retail companies give their employees the occasional “small thing,” like some candy for good sales, generally rewards so meaningless they are offensive. Retail companies also take the occasional “big thing,” like robbing an employee of a promotion, or stealing his wages, these big things are obviously met with complete rage, and can be easily dealt with by pretending that one day you’re just going to quit.

The range of these small gives and big takes is severely restricted in an office position, thereby fully breaking the free will of employees and causing their unconditioned love of their employer. The “small gives” come in the form of casual Fridays and donuts, things that, rather than try to reward you, simply remind you that you work in an office. The big takes usually involve giving to a new employee their own desk, with their own computer and the promise that this will be their space for the duration of their stay with the company, then promptly kicking the new employee from this position. This leaves the new employee in a situation where he must work out of a goddamn box, latching onto the work stations of vacationing employees like a virus. These small gyrations in treatment quickly destroy an employee, and drive him to love his captors, as part of a conscious effort within a company to create a Stockholm syndrome amongst employees. The actions of employers can be compared to hypnotism, something that lulls a person into comfort and surreptitiously robs them of free will.

Office jobs have a definite tendency to let you sit down for the majority of the day. It really depends on who hires you, but the tasks you perform while sitting will likely range from the most monotonous and inane tasks on the planet to non-existent tasks, where you just pretend to do something, hoping every breath will be your last so that you may escape the crushing boredom of your existence. Retail jobs typically force you to stand in one spot for long hours. While in this position, you are likely to be forced to interact with the most notoriously evil segment of humanity, customers. Though thankless and miserable, this task does have the benefit that you’re actually doing something, and don’t quite have the time to beg for death.

Office jobs typically pay better than retail, which is theoretically a benefit, but in reality fairly meaningless. See, the boredom faced in an office usually exceeds that of a retail position so much that an employee often finds himself spending much more money whilst in the job. For a summer student this may mean an increased intake of video games and music, things which demand ever increasing funds, yet never seem to fill that vacancy of a satisfying existence. This is also why society is constructed to push people into unsatisfying office positions, so as to allow maximum consumption of useless shit to drive the economy. Also, be warned that long term positions result in hard hitting addictions like hookers and cocaine. A retail employee is much more likely to spend his time drinking, partying, and trying to get laid. While these activities may sound as expensive as those listed for an office employee, they are actually required in much smaller doses due to a retail employee not needing to fill the gaping void left by his departed independence, as opposed to his office counterpart.

It is my solemn task that for all of these reasons I must declare retail work preferable to office work. Keep in mind that I am referring only to the kinds of jobs people do for money because they can’t think of anything better to do over a summer, and that if by some random chance or circumstance you find something you actually enjoy, you should cling to it and never let it go, for you truly are the luckiest.

It’s best to first realize that no matter what you choose, it’s going to take way too much fucking work. There’s no way you’ll be able to just go strait out and apply for exactly what you want. You’re usually forced to sit through years of education and dehumanizing bitch jobs for experience.

Begin by thinking of what your ideal living conditions would be. For me, it would be living in a gigantic old mansion with cool secret passages and possibly zombies. I would like to share this house with my many female sex servants and spend my free time playing video games, watching Star Trek, and running a website. Now to achieve this beautiful goal I’ll need a bit of money for the mansion and unfathomable amounts of money for the sex servants. See, by figuring out how much money you’ll need, it narrows your range of job perspectives. If I wanted a smaller house and no sex slaves, then obviously there would be many more lower paying jobs that I could select from. That’s just not the kind of life I want though.

Now that you’ve figured out how much money you’ll need, it’s time to pick a career. Obviously everyone has hobbies and interests, try starting there. Well, what were some of the things you thought about doing in your free time from my last question? I seem to be interested in video games, Star Trek, sex, and webmastery, so I should probably look into where I could make money in those fields. Try combining your interests into one great super interest. This super interest then becomes your “future.” For me, it would be a porn site about girls dressed in Star Trek uniforms playing video games, obviously. For you it might be something a bit different.

Here’s where it gets a might bit tricky. You see, a man is not instantly wealthy once he has an idea. I already know quite a bit about video games, so that’s covered. I know a little bit about running websites, so I might be alright there. My problem lies with the picking up of women for the porn. More particularly, girls willing to be in the kind of porn that I want to make… you know, the Star Trek kind. I suspect that for most people they can achieve their required knowledge at some kind of post-secondary education. Mine is much more likely the kind of thing you learn in an apprenticeship program, it all depends on what you want.

• Certified Pork Thief : Being a pork thief is not for the faint hearted. There is lifting involved, depending on the amount of pork one is looking to steal, as well as dogs to outrun along the way. However, this job offers beauteous rewards. Not only are you able to bring home the bacon, you can also bring home the sausages and the ham. Don’t delay, this opportunity is knocking down your door as we speak!
• Professional Shoelace Doer-Upper : Not everyone can be like Franklin; some people just don’t have the time or the mental ability to count by twos and tie their shoes. That’s where you come in. Forget about the counting part, that’s small potatoes compared to the shoe tying. People are willing to pay exorbitant prices for good services, especially services that can help them hide their shameful shoe lace challengedness from their friends. Charge an extra dollar for double tying, nothing’s more embarrassing than having a shoelace come undone in a social setting and being unable to correct the problem. You are really doing a public service with this one, no one wants to live in a world where people wear Velcro shoes.
• Loser Ridiculer : Losers exist and they are ridiculed. No one makes up the rules, that’s just how it’s been. I’m sure that the cavemen would all get together and make fun of the one who was the skinniest and couldn’t kill a buffalo with his bare hands; these things transcend time itself. Usually the ridiculers are dim witted and have such insults as “you are a loser” and “you are a big loser”. Well you can help this process along with better insults. Once you have verbally destroyed the geek/nerd/dork in question, everyone will high five and be on their merry way instead of standing around trying to follow up “you are a big loser” with something better, like maybe “you are a very big loser”. The geek/nerd/dork will be glad that their daily torture lasts for a shorter length of time, while the brainless goons will leave with a sense of accomplishment. You are really making this whole activity much more efficient.
• Beer Can Collector : This one is easy, just follow a homeless guy when he’s trying to make his living. Once his shopping cart is nice and full, trick him into leaving it by saying that some other homeless guy is taking a piss inside the box he calls home. Then, once the guy is gone to kick some homeless ass, quickly take his cart to the bottle depot and collect your 50 cents. Another few similarly tricked hobos later and you can surely afford a burger, what’s not awesome about that? Free food rocks. Can you spare some change? Hell no.
• Fake Charity Organizer : People are always giving to charities, even kids are getting into it, what with their “oh, it feels great knowing I helped someone in need” crap. Listen here Johnny Joe/Sally Sue, your whole savings of $1.78 isn’t gonna cure the cancer so get off your high horse and go back to work sweeping the damn chimneys. Now to get the money that really matters, your fake charity needs to have a good name, something that sounds real enough for people to want to donate but not specific enough for them to know that you’re a lying bastard. I suggest something awesome like The Foundation of Joy. People will be all “boy do ever I want to help this foundation spread joy” without actually knowing what it’s for specifically. It’s not even an outright lie, as their money will cause you joy, so all is right with the world. If by some unlucky chance someone decides to ask about your cause, be vague while still sounding convincing. Say something like “It is our dream to help eliminate suffering in the world. A child’s tear is like a drop of poison in our hearts.” You’re not actually saying that their money is going towards eliminating any suffering, nor do you state that you actually wish to help crying children. There are lots of opportunities for advancement in this field. One could go on to become a seasoned white collar criminal, or even a certified pork thief. Aim high.
• Certified Abettor : This position is not as exciting as that of the perpetrator, but that position requires a little more work. Thus, abettor is looking very appealing. Less work, but still the possibility of jail time. I suggest some soft core activities like encouraging gang fights, advertising for fake charities, and all around being an asshole. Abet your ass off.
• Rock Thrower/Paper Cut Giver in Organized Crime : There’s always a hierarchy in organized crime. You have your standard boss man, then the “go to” guys that bust knee caps and the like, then the overweight fella who doesn’t really seem to have a job except for just being there, then the guy named Tony that’s so important to organized crime. I propose that you work your way up the ladder, but start at the bottom with a very low but cool position. You can help keep up morale on the team by being an abettor (refer to above listing) or by giving yourself a cool title and then fulfilling the implied activities of said title. The official Rock Thrower gets to throw rocks at the fuzz, while the official Paper Cut Giver gives people paper cuts. An Official Scissors User would complete this roh sham bo triad of awesomeness.
• Money Launderer/Laundromat Owner : White collar crime is way more fun than petty pork thievery. For one thing, your collar is white, which is always good unless you have a shirt that is a colour other than white. I suggest that you set up a classic laundromat for this risky business. What better way to clean money and your collar than by using a laundromat as a front? Criminals in the past sure knew how to do things the classy way.

Now that you have some choices, go ahead and prepare yourself a kickass resume. These jobs will be taken before long. Now then, let’s all make our millions and retire before we’re 25.

Let’s analyze the situation here, the longer I stay un-rich, the longer I spend toiling away at a job doing work. If I don’t become rich by the time I finally enter post-secondary education I will have spent something like a year and a half doing work. Work! If I don’t become incredibly wealthy during my education, I’ll be forced to work during the summer just to support my habit of living and by the end of it all I’ll be strapped with crippling debt in an unpredictable job market. Look at me even now, I’m using phrases like “unpredictable job market,” it’s starting already, this sinister, horrible, evil thing called work is destroying me.

Let’s pretend for a second that I do manage to find a “decent” job after my post-secondary education. I suppose I’ll work hard and make my way up the corporate ladder a little. After awhile I’ll become so lonely that I’ll be forced to find some sucker to marry me. We’ll be fine for awhile but eventually she’ll agree to stay with me only if we have children, I know it. I also know that I’ll agree because of the wretched husk of a man work will have made me. I’ll then spend the rest of my life supporting the unappreciative twats because I’ll have this ridiculous fantasy about them becoming successful. Oh, did I mention I’ll be raising them alone? Well obviously, since the wife will inevitably leaving me.

Aside from the few people lucky enough to simply be born rich or win the lottery everybody has to commit the majority of their lifetime toiling away at the hell that is a job. Think about that for a second, the average person with average salary is expected to spend forty years doing whatever random and inane tasks a group of faceless executives decides he ought to do. Only after all of that time, and only if he’s carefully planned his retirement, and somehow managed to spend that forty years without ever encountering any emergency problems and invested his money so wisely that he hasn’t lost it all to economic recessions can he retire. I simply cannot take this kind of stress kids!

There are a few alternatives I suppose, death is handy, there’s also prison, which I hear provides quite nicely. Technically I’m not whole heartedly against all things which you could call a “job” either, there’s that whole “do what you love” notion in which a person can simply find something he loves doing and get rich doing it. Well, if prostitution was legal and all the women in the world looking for gigolo’s were hot, then I’d be on the fast track to a comfy life. Even more unlikely, keep writing for this website and expect people to simply give me money because they think I’m so hilarious. Or how about watching movies for the rest of my life, only that bastard Roger Ebert could be so lucky as to land a job like that. There truly is only one solution for me, money, lots of it.

I’m not asking for much. If every person on earth gave me a single penny I’d be worth $60 million dollars. Seriously folks, the “famous” people on tv are telling you that you need to donate something like the cost of a cup of coffee every day to support a kid in a third world country who’s bound to be struck down by a land mine long before he can appreciate what you’re doing for him. I only require a one time payment of a penny, and I’m already fully equipped to appreciate what you’ll be doing for me.

I don’t plan to do anything particularly evil or heroic with this money, you’ll never be bothered by me again. I just plan on living a nice comfortable life. Do a little art, write for my website, get some education for the sake of being educated, try anal, travel, whatever suits my fancy. Doesn’t this sound like a great way to live a life to you? Don’t force me to do anything unnatural, like spend one more second doing someone else’s bidding, send a little cash my way and help a deserving victim out a little.

The first thing such a brand needs is a name. As I am the infamous Newbs, the name Newbs will work. There will be no specific logo as I plan on marketing to every human on earth who has enough money to buy some sort of unpronounceable caffeinated beverage at Starbucks every day, lots of dazzling flashy lights and a subwoofer for every seat in their car, a platinum necklace with working satellite reception for their current fuck buddy, and endless amounts whiny CD’s.

Once I’ve manufactured the clothes I plan on selling, I’ll open up a chain of stores at which to sell these goods at exclusively. The people who work at the store will wear all black, including black berets and black rimmed glasses, the men will also be required to have goatee’s, foreign workers will only be hired if they are “homosexual.”

To market my clothing, I’ll need a series of wacky, fresh and in-your-face ads in all those horrible magazines which preach the need for 972 different shades of lip stick and occasionally print extremely “deep” and “personal” articles about eating disorders, mixing them with ads for fad diets. It just so happens that I have already prepared one such ad, and would like you, my reader, to view it here (clickety the linkety, you know you want to).

The Newbs brand is more than just a clothing line, nay, it’s a way of life. Not only can you look like a moron, you can think like moron! Here at headquarters, we have a saying, “if you’re stupid enough to buy our shirts, you’re probably stupid enough to shoot up whatever the fuck we tell you to.” Which means, you guessed it, we will be coming out with our very own illegal drug shortly after out stores open. This isn’t some pussy thing like crack or crystal meth mind you, this is like that drug from Robocop, and it’s called ‘Newbsification,’ or ‘ewb’ for short. Ewb resembles sugar and is packaged in a similar fashion, it is taken by pouring the crystals into an ink cartridge from an ink jet printer, sticking a needle in-between your finger nails and your skin, and injecting the concoction.

I assure you, there are many more products we will be releasing down the road but I don’t want to divulge too many details because they’ll eat your first born if it means an edge on the competition in this industry. I can tell you, however, that Newbs trading cards, video games (featuring bad fashion busting action), dolls with working genitalia (during playtime, it is recommended that dolls with bad fashion sense should be punished with less sex), stale, sugar coated cereal, encrusted with what are supposedly marshmallows, a TV show that features washed up actors using all our products telling jokes from the fifties, “teen gross-out” film starring actors in their late thirties and even some new clothes are all in the works.

Look for our stores to open soon in a gigantic, elitist mall near you!