Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Welcome, one and all, to ShufflingDead’s Magic Card of the Week! This week’s card is Burning Vengeance.

Burning Vengeance is a red enchantment from the Innistrad set that really plays into the Flashback or Unearth abilities.

With Burning Vengeance in play, anytime you cast a spell from your graveyard, it will deal an additional two damage to target creature or player.

This will give you that extra edge and card advantage as your cards are coming back for a second bout of usefulness, while this recurring two damage from Burning Vengeance might be ending the life of one of your opponent’s creatures.

Also useful for burning your opponent’s face for some direct damage.

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

We’re back again with another Magic Card of the Week! This week’s selection is Rooftop Storm.

Six mana puts this enchantment into play for you, but after that the doors are pretty much wide open. Unleash the hordes of zombies you’ve got stashed in your hand for the low low cost of free.

I like this card because it can really change the mechanics of most zombie decks as I’ve know them. The enchantment being blue means you have to find some way of creating blue mana in an otherwise likely all-black deck. This creates a lot of opportunity to expand the blue-black control side of the game by combining it with a creature-type theme.

It could be just the excuse you’re looking for to go for broke on the blue control until your zombie horde hits the deck, or it could be the keystone of a card-drawing Zombie deck.

Tons of possibilities for this one. Enjoy!

Image: Assassin's Creed. Ubisoft.

I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood in preparation for Revelations, and I had a rather interesting thought during my playthrough. There are only about three people in the entire world of the game that appear even the least bit overweight. Oh sure, you could blame this on the starving peasant class of the Middle Age setting of the game, but I’m not so sure that’s the reason.

The entire world, every city, countryside and building, is completely inaccessible by any reasonable means. Traversing the world is one giant obstacle course. If you want to go kill that unsuspecting guard at the top of that tower, do you know how you have to get to him? Fucking climb. No elevator. Not even stairs. Yeah. You CLIMB that tower by hand and get up there and do your murdering.

If you have a meeting with a thief on the other side of the city in five minutes and you can’t miss it, you climb a ladder and start jumping over rooftops and you don’t stop for freaking anything. If a guard gives you any grief over wandering over the rooftops, you just jump faster. If cities all over the world adopted the planning methods and architecture of Ubisoft’s interpretation of Rome, we could end the ‘obesity crisis’ that the media keeps hitting us with. Picture this: that thief you have to meet? He is now an important client that you need to give that presentation to today. That guard you need to kill that I mentioned earlier? He’s your mindless four-hour TV session after you get off work. Getting to either is now a huge workout.

If everyone’s basic day could be one giant workout, if exercising was something you had to do to get from point A to point B, I think we’d all end up in a lot better shape.

So city planners and architects, school principals and office managers, make the inside of the schools and office buildings jungle-gyms or obstacle courses you need to navigate to get anywhere. No taking the elevator two fucking floors anymore. You take some stairs and jump through some windows. Then go over the rooftops and drop down through another window. And then leap over a gap using a series of wooden beams and monkey bars.

Maybe we could all pick up fake Italian accents, too…

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Coming to you straight from the not-biased-at-all opinions of ShufflingDead.com is another Magic Card of the Week! This week’s MCotW is Essence of the Wild from the Innistrad set.

So you’re heavily engaged in a duel with another player, trading little spells back and forth at each other all game but not really getting very far. Finally you have six mana. Shit’s about to go down.

Throw down the Essence of the Wild and watch him throw down. He’s a powerhouse 6/6 for 6, but that’s not all. Each creature that you play after him becomes a copy of Essence of the Wild, making those also 6/6s, but for whatever cost the card originally had to bring it into play. Play a Treetop Scout, a normal 1/1 for 1 mana. It becomes a 6/6…for 1 mana.

And don’t worry if your opponent nukes your first one. Each creature is a COPY, meaning that the ability is still active! So as long as you keep one Essence of the Wild out, you can pretty much just take a quick stomp down easy street to victory.

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Welcome back to ShufflingDead’s Magic Card of the Week!

This week, it’s overkill time. Our pick for this week is Blasphemous Act.

Sometimes, Magic can be all about momentum. A critical part of the game is controlling the flow of the spellcasting, and it can be tough to turn the game around if you’re the one stuck responding. Well, respond with this.

Blasphemous Act’s mana cost is fairly prohibitive, but it’s got that handy ability that lowers the cast cost the more creatures that are in play, and if you need it, chances are it’s because your opponent has a load of creatures.

Drop this thing from your hand to nuke the entire battlefield, essentially resetting the board and giving yourself a chance to get your act together again.

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

This week’s Magic Card of the Week is everyone’s favorite nightmare scenario, the Evil Twin.

Hailing from the newly released Innistrad set, this blue-black Shapeshifter will fit right into any army.

Put him into play for four mana as a copy of any creature on the battlefield, but with the activated ability to assassinate the original.

Summon Evil Twin, nail your opponent’s creature and you’re left with some decent battlefield advantage. Pretty goddamn powerful.

Evil Twin can alternatively be used on one of your own creatures to further boost your battlefield presence and advance your goals of wizardly pwnage.

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

The New Phyrexia set gave life to possibly the most Lightning Bolt-frustrating card I’ve ever seen. For that, Spellskite has come forth as this week’s Magic Card of the Week.

Dropping two colorless mana lets you pull Spellskite onto the battlefield, and with it’s variable activated ability cost it could fit nicely into any deck.

If you like your life total where it is, keep this guy in a blue deck.

A natural 0/4, this Artifact Creature can cause any spell to target itself for the low cost of just one blue mana (or two life in a pinch).

He’s tough enough to handle the light removal spells so he can selectively draw in spells multiple times. You can even use this creature to deny any buffs your opponent wants to put on his own creatures, simply redirect them to Spellskite.

A versatile tool for any control deck.

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Ever found yourself thinking: “Wow, this would be so much easier with more creatures?” Well, wish no more! This week’s Magic Card of the Week is Conqueror’s Pledge!

Toss this in your soldier deck to virtually end the game with one card.

If your deck is working even half decently, the 6 1/1s that come into play for the affordable cost of 5 mana should be at least 3/3s, if not better.

This card might as well be an Overrun for all the rage it delivers into your opponent’s face.

The kicker cost on this card is, unfortunately, prohibitively expensive. If the game is really drawn out, this will end it. For the most part, if you get to 11 mana, you should have already won the game.

Throw these things into your soldier deck and drop the hammer on your poor bastard of an opponent.

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Welcome one and all to ShufflingDead’s Magic Card of the Week! This week’s card of power is Leyline of Anticipation, from the M11 core set.

Leyline of Anticipation allows you to play all your cards as though they had the Flash ability. For those unfamiliar with that one, a spell with Flash is able to be played at any time you could play an instant, regardless of it’s other spell types.

With this enchantment out you can freely rain creatures, artifacts, sorceries, and whatever else you like down on your opponent’s unsuspecting forces. Being able to surprise your enemies can pay off in a big way.

Also worth noting is the card’s first ability. Drawing this card in your opening hand lets you drop it for free at the start of the game.

Booya.

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Welcome one and all to ShufflingDead’s Magic Card of the Week! This week we are featuring the Mirrodin artifact, Mindslaver.

The ultimate in control. There is no better way to perfectly sabotage an opponent than to know and control his every move.

Though a card like Mindslaver might seem expensive, keep in mind the pace of the game. If you have a deck with mana acceleration and you are at 6 mana early, great. If not, by the 6 mana time of the game, things are probably starting to get decisive.

That is the perfect time to unleash Mindslaver and take control of one of your opponents’ extremely critical turns.

Make him attack with his puny supporting creatures he’s been protecting all game. Cast his damage spells on his own army. Throw everything in your enemy’s arsenal in his face, embarrass him. You know you want to.

The humble goomba.

In the course of battling through innumerable levels and jumping over all kinds of stuff, Mario and Luigi were plagued by all kinds of bad guy flunkies. Goombas, Koopa Troopas, you name it, they had to deal with them before breakfast. But which of them was the most awesome?

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Welcome back to ShufflingDead’s Magic Card of the Week, where this week we will be honoring goblin miscreant, Tuktuk the Explorer.

Tuktuk costs three mana to bring into play exploring for your side.

It’s also worth mentioning that he possesses the Haste ability, allowing a quick surprise attack should your opponent tap out his forces. Unfortunately, this surprise attack will only put you on the board for 1 damage.

While not being much to look at himself, Tuktuk Explorer comes equipped with another ability. When he is put into the graveyard from play, you get yourself a shiny new 5/5 artifact creature token.

Pretty neat, huh?

Image: Nintendo.

Throughout the many Legends of Zelda, Link makes use of a rather large variety of weapons. Indeed, the little elfin guy manages to carry an inordinate amount of crap around with him at all times, while lacking even a backpack. Those tunics must have a ton of pockets or something.

Anyway, all of you, tell me what your favorite of Link’s items are. Please leave a comment if I haven’t listed yours in the poll!

Image: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Warner Bros.

The third movie of the Harry Potter series, Prisoner of Azkaban, has received the award Movie of the Decade at the First Light Awards. The First Light Awards are held annually and are largely to celebrate short films made by youth under 19.

The film was up against other box office heavy-hitters such as Shrek and Up, along with Happy Feet.

Combined with Peanut Turner’s supporting testimony on one of ShufflingDead’s Questions of the Week, this seems enough like conclusive evidence to me.

Source: BBC

Image: The Hobbit: 70th Anniversary Edition cover art.

Filming of The Hobbit has finally begun. After numerous production problems, strike threats, talk of location change, and director Peter Jackson’s ulcer surgery, word has reached my ears that the two-part movie has started production.

Martin Freeman will star as Bilbo in this one, and fans of the LotR movie trilogy will see several familiar faces, including Sir Ian McKellen as Gandalf and Elijah Wood as Frodo. Also returning will be Andy Serkis as the Precious-chasing Gollum.

The first movie of The Hobbit is expected to be seen on the big screen sometime late in 2012.

Source: BBC

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

This week’s MCotW is Dragonmaster Outcast, from the Worldwake set.

This shaman may not look like much, being a 1/1 creature for 1 red mana, but he has potential to be a serious problem for your opponents.

During each of your upkeeps, if you have six lands, Dragonmaster Outcast will gift you a 5/5 flying dragon for free, just for letting him hang out.

Nice guy.

My first thought when I saw this little bastard was “wow, this needs to be in my dragon deck,” but really, there are so places where he can be applied.

He only costs one red and his ability is triggered by lands, not just mountains so there is no need to restrict him to a mono-red deck.

Toss him into any deck where you’ve splashed red, and you’ll definitely see some results, dragon-beatdown-style.

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Recently appearing in the Mirrodin: Besieged set, Go For The Throat is our Magic Card of the Week.

In this new expansion, it is no surprise that one of the most terrifying cards in your arsenal is an improvement on Terror itself.

Go For The Throat shows itself an expert in quick creature removal, doing away with the old “non-black, non-artifact” qualification to its targets, and simply making it “non-artifact.”

Two mana is all it takes to put one of these in the chamber, and then it’s just point and cast from there.

You can never have quite enough easy creature kills. Having cards like these around keeps your opponent off balance, never quite knowing when their carefully laid battle plans could come apart in a split second.

Image: BioWare

With yesterday’s launch of Bioware’s Dragon Age II in mind, I thought I would bring up something I’ve been meaning to report on. Felicia Day, the internet’s second hottest redhead, has put together a live-action webseries based on the Dragon Age universe titled Dragon Age: Redemption. She’s well known for her roles in the popular webseries The Guild and Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. The trailer for Dragon Age: Redemption can be viewed here.

Felicia Day stars as Tallis, an elven assassin, on a quest to capture a renegade wizard, gathering companions as she goes. This six-part webseries is set to launch in Summer 2011, and promises to turn Dragon Age and fantasy nerds everywhere into drooling messes. I think I’ll preemptively start drooling all over myself about now. Might as well get it out of the way, right?

Source: USA Today

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

This week’s Magic Card is none other than the dragon-badass Ancient Hellkite.

Despite the high mana cost that this giant bastard demands before he’ll rouse himself to your cause, he can be a tremendous asset on the battlefield. Seven mana is not often an easy cost to choke down, but it will likely be an investment in victory in Ancient Hellkite’s case.

This 6/6 flying fire-breather doesn’t have the typical dragon ability of just adding to his power for a mana cost, ineffectually overkilling the balloon brigades of goblins assigned to block them.

No, he uses the mana and just starts nuking defending creatures before they’ve even been assigned to block.

Use this ability to have Ancient Hellkite burn holes in your opponent’s defenses so that he or more of your vassals can get through to tear up your enemy’s face.

Image: Ochenbara: Bikini Samurai Squad box art.

Those of you who frequent our forum discussions might be familiar with our lists of ‘Never-Beaten Games’. Well, mine has been increasing recently, virtually unchecked, as I’m currently rounding out my third playthrough of Mass Effect 2 (by the way, totally deserving of Game of the Year, Newbs). Yes, I’m a filthy addict.

Anyway, I’ve decided I need to and tackle a couple of these games and knock them off the list. But the unbeaten bastards have multiplied and I can’t decide. I’ve narrowed it down to four, however, so you guys get to decide what I’ll be wasting my time on for the next little while.

1. Ochenbara: Bikini Samurai Squad. Ya, two Japanese sisters ripping apart Zombies with swords. This game can only be awful.
2. Prince of Persia. I’ve heard good things. This is the one where you have that magic chick helping you out in combat all the time or whatever.
3. The Last Remnant. This will be my third attempt to destroy this game. It is a level-grinding  nightmare, but the strategy is kind of interesting for a while.
4. MTV’s Pimp My Ride. I can ‘Roll with Xzibit’ according to the back of this game… that’s something to look forward to.

So what’s the deal, ShufflingDead readers? Which game should I play next?

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

This week’s Magic Card is the Elemental Incarceration, Guile. Welcome to the show, Guile!

This giant blue jackass rocks his way out of your hand for the standard “big bastard” cost of 6 mana, and you get a 6/6 out of it. Pretty good deal, right? But being a blue jackass, Guile brings a bunch of bullshit with him to the battlefield.

First, he has to be blocked by 3 or more creatures. So if you’re attacking with him, chances are he will either go unblocked or get an opportunity to knock off a couple of your opponent’s creatures.

Second, you’re playing a blue deck, so he’ll help you out with that too. If one of your already-awesome Counterspells counters an incoming spell, Guile will let you play that spell for free yourself. So now your blue deck is dropping terrors, lightning bolts, anything else your enemy is foolish enough to try and cast. Including creatures.

And third, if, by some miracle, someone manages to gang-block or nuke Guile, he just gets shuffled back into your library to return at some other random time to tear up the game all over again. Just a terrible bastard to try to deal with.

Image: Star Wars Episode III poster. Copyright Lucasfilm.

No deep questions this week, no invasive questioning, and no bet placing on Newbs’s competitive performances. Just a quick, gut-check answer to a question debated by nerds everywhere.

Give me your answer. Which is the Best Star War Movie?

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Nerd Olympics 2011 has come to a close, and the last nerds standing are spending today nursing their wounded pride, easing themselves back into real life with some low-key gaming, and showering off the sweat and tears of competition.

In honor of this legendary event, this week’s Magic Card is Thrun, the Last Troll. Thrun can be found in the Mirrodin Besieged set, which we used for our Sealed Tournament at Nerd Olympics.

Thrun, the Last Troll is a 4/4 green creature, and comes with the typical Troll ability of Regeneration. 2 mana will let you save him from certain death should he be ambushed by someone bigger than he is. This bulky bastard also cannot be the target of hostile abilities or spells including counterspells, making him impressively difficult to single out for destruction.

And really, the icing on the cake with this guy is the cost. He is available for the mega-low price of 4 mana, letting you bring him to the field earlier than most players will be able to deal with, before their own heavy-hitters come online. This guy is truly a fucking menace.

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST.

With the legendary competition of Nerd Olympics just days away, players are frantically scouring lands far and wide searching for that one missing card to their otherwise perfect deck. Keeping that in mind, this week’s Magic Card is a useful creature for rounding out any deck bent on continuing the yearly tradition of my disappointment in this tournament.

Vampire Nighthawk comes into play for a mere three mana, a price more than worth it. For a 2/3 flying creature, the cost is pretty standard. But WotC pulled out all the stops for this prick, and awarded him the Deathtouch and Lifelink abilities as well, making him a force to be reckoned with.

He can fly over your opponent’s defenses to bleed him dry, and use the lifelink to recharge your own health in the process. Or if need be, he can use Deathtouch to personally drop almost any creature threatening your magical self.

Either way, throw a couple of Vampire Nighthawks into your bullshit black or sparkly vampire deck and experience the overpoweredness for yourself. Hell, splash black into your all-white soldier deck, this guy is worth it.

Image: Weskimo and Newbs, lifelong rivals.

Next weekend, the 7th annual Nerd Olympics will begin, allowing our competitors another opportunity to assert their gaming dominance on the nerdly community.

Possibly no player has ever wielded such debated prowess in the various competitions than the illustrious Newbs himself. Scorned by the skilled, feared by the foolish, and simply noticed by the noobs, Newbs has simultaneously cut a mighty swath and fallen flat on his face in previous years. Possessing nothing more than a few twitchy console skills and an unhealthy obsession with Mario Kart and Tetris, Newbs has managed to make a name for himself in this competition as the perpetual underdog.

So what will he do this year? Get another taste of life on the podium after years of disappointment? Maybe he’ll once again claim that prestigious ‘Most Inconsequential Medals’ Award.  He might even finally stick us all with his giant long-jobby and finally take the win. Stay tuned.

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST.

Hailing from the Worldwake set, Mordant Dragon is this week’s Magic Card.

At first glance, Mordant Dragon is just like many of the other flying lizard behemoths. He’s a 5/5 flying at 6 mana cost. He’s got a firebreathing-type ability, letting you spend additional mana to temporarily boost his power.

But then this sneaky scaly jerk reveals his other ability. After he damages a player, he does a bombing run on your opponent’s forces on his way home.

He deals an equal amount of damage to any creature as he just did to your opponent’s face, assassinating any unlucky enough to have been singled out for special attention.

Image: Adapted from Telephone Pole by Nicholas Smale under a CC-BY license.

We’ve decided to switch things up a little here at ShufflingDead this week. I want to know if clicking a button and voting on a poll is easier than answering a question with your own words.

So, this week, the Question of the Week has become the Poll of the Week, the test becoming multiple choice instead of long answer. Does the internet wish to speak to me with numbers instead of words? Tough shit, internet, because I don’t speak binary.

What do you all think?

Image: Final Fantasy XIII box art. Square Enix.

Welcome back to Games in Review! Today we’ll be reviewing Final Fantasy XIII for the Xbox360. It is also available on the PlayStation 3.

Story

The game starts out in a world called Cocoon, a pinnacle of civilization when compared to the lawless, monster-infested boogeyman world of Pulse. The citizenry of Cocoon wet their pants at the mere mention of a Pulse invasion. Apparently there was a huge war way back. Whatever.

The story begins with a mass deportation being enforced on anyone from Cocoon who came anywhere near a Pulse Fal’Cie (really powerful magical bastards). The heroes of the game are suitably pissed, as most are on that list, so they eventually join up in a resistance against the Sanctum (Cocoon’s government).

Gameplay

The game is extremely linear, and progression is typically possible without going far out of your way to level your characters. There are a ton of things you can do outside the realm of the main quest, though, so checking it out can be fun and net some decent rewards.

Final Fantasy XIII has a really cool battle system. You go into battle with a team of up to three characters, but only control the one you designate as the party leader. The rest of your party follows a priority based set of actions according to their classes. You set up a list of ‘paradigms,’ a set-list of classes for your entire party. You can switch between paradigms mid-combat according to your current needs. If you’re suddenly getting beaten down by some angry bit of magic, consider shifting to a paradigm with a Synergist and Medic for some protection spells and healing. If you manage to stun your enemy, switch to a combat heavy grouping and drop some damage. The paradigm system can seem a bit confusing at first, and then a bit limiting since your characters only perform within their classes (example: a medic cannot attack, a ravager has no physical attacks and cannot heal, etc.), but the system is truly fantastic. It leads to some engaging and fast-paced combat that keeps you immersed.

Another piece of the combat system is called the ‘chain gauge’. This is extremely important to the effectiveness of your party in combat. Each enemy has a chain gauge and it builds up as you attack them, slowly draining if they are left alone for a while. When it fills, many enemies will become much more vulnerable to attack. Different attacks have differing effects on the chain gauge, filling it faster, or making it empty slower. A large part of success in battle focuses around manipulating the chain gauge properly.

Moving around the world is fairly straightforward, it’s pretty much third-person free movement along the various paths and fields through the game. Gone from this FF game is the invisible random encounters occurring every three steps. Encounters are initiated by running into enemies out in the world, so you have an actual chance to run away or avoid encounters if you wish. This makes side quests and any backtracking you decide to do much more accessible with less slogging through weak enemies for little gain.

Image: Final Fantasy XIII character art. Square Enix.

Graphics

This game is beautiful. The environments are fantastic, and the characters and enemies are well rendered and clear. You don’t get any of the goddamn slowdown that you get with some other graphics-heavy games, everything is smooth and fast, perfectly fitting with pace of the game. Pretty polished.

Sound

Here’s where FFXIII is going to lose some points in my opinion, if only for the voice acting. Several characters were flat-out piss-poorly voice acted. Very disappointing. Music was pretty great though, not brilliant, but well done all the same. Battle sounds were above standard as well, and that’s good because there are a lot of them.

Complaints Department

This is a new section of Games in Review that I just created on the fly because I felt that my problems with this game really don’t fit into any of the above categories. So here goes:

Character Design. Come the hell on. These were all in all a pretty poorly written set of characters, with some borderline dialogue and some crappy voice acting. And what the hell accent does Vanille have? They just made it up! They even got lazy with the names: Snow, Lightning, Hope, Vanille, Fang… Seriously? And they’re all such fucking whiners.

And the biggest problem with this game is how long it takes you to really get going. As I said above, the game plays ridiculously well, and is a ton of fun. But the token tutorial section lasts for about 10 hours. During this time you are kept running around frantically while the game teaches you the basics, while telling you as little about the story as possible. You have very limited ability to customize your characters, no ability to deviate from the story to check things out, and are subjected to countless events of mostly meaningless character development. Thankfully, by the end of these sections, you fucking really know how to play, and your characters are mostly over their issues with each other and you can start to get your shit together.

Overall

A must-play for any fan of the franchise. Fast action, extremely customizable tactics, great graphics, and a compelling storyline that develops really well. Despite its faults, FFXIII has a lot of gameplay value, and was an unregretted use of my time. This game was a blast.

Gameplay:
Graphics:
Sound:
Overall:

Image: Copyright Wizards of the Coast.

One of the most devastating mill cards I’ve ever encountered, Traumatize is this week’s Magic Card of the Week.

Traumatize takes five mana to cast, but is well worth the cost. The best way to make sure your opponent can’t cast his spells against you is to make sure he never has the opportunity to draw them in the first place.

Dropping a traumatize will hand out a serious beatdown to your rival’s spell cache, severely limiting his ability to bring the fight back your way.

It’s also a must-have for anyone trying to ‘deck’ their enemies. Waving goodbye to half their spells will aid you greatly in embarrassing your opponent by defeating him without even having to dirty your hands by dealing a single damage.

Image: Adapted from drinking beer by schuey under a CC-BY license.

So after an evening of Facebook status trolling, Starcraft II custom games, and banana bread flavored beer (it’s as absolutely delicious as it sounds), I still have no real question in mind for this week.

This week’s question is going to be less about me pushing my opinions at you with my often largely biased and rather ridiculous hyperbole. This week is all about you. Yes, you, specifically you. Tell me something about you that I don’t already know. Go on, it’s just me and the collective hive mind of the internet here, no need to be shy. What is one thing that I don’t know about you?

Image: Copyright Wizards of the Coast.

This week’s Magic Card is Preeminent Captain. This bastard can be key to battlefield supremacy, and in handing out an overwhelming beatdown.

Toss this diminutive dick into your all-Soldier deck and he’ll help you wreck some bitches in short order.

Three mana gets you a 2/2 First Strike creature, strong enough in its own right. But this hobbit brings friends. Like Samwise Gamgee. Yeah, he’ll bring Sam along for the ride, and they’ll tear up giant spiders and shit.

Or he’ll bring along the entire Minas Tirith army. Yeah, that one. Each time freaking Pippin here attacks, he drags another Soldier out of your hand, puts him into play charging the gates of Mordor right alongside him.

Pretty heroic, hey?

Image: Marvel.

Marvel icon Captain America stars in a free digital comic called “Captain America: A Little Help” as part of a suicide awareness campaign.

The comic uses no dialogue until the last frame, and tells the story of a young man struggling to cope with the difficulties in his life who stands on a rooftop ready to end it all. From his vantage point, he witnesses Captain America dealing with some of his own troubles.

The comic can be viewed here.

Image: Adapted from Pride and Prejudice_004 by sheksays under a CC-BY license.

Keira Knightley and her five-years-too-long boyfriend Rupert Friend called it quits sometime over the holidays.

Sources say something about strain on the relationship as a result of paparazzi photographing them made Friend more and more uncomfortable. Isn’t he an actor too?

Anyway, the good news is that this gives DMUSER the opening he has been waiting for to get back together with the Pirates of the Caribbean hottie, who he dated briefly in our SDGR videos. It also gives me the chance to jeopardize our friendship by stealing his hot girlfriend.

Taking this in light of Scarlett Johansson’s recent return to the realm of single, ShufflingDead’s staff’s time spent drooling over single celebrities is expected to multiply by twelve.

Source: SF Examiner

Image: Nintendo.

I’m seeing all the game sites on the internet light up with polls and reviews and giant circle-jerks about how just how great some of 2010′s game releases were, how well they did in sales, reviews, etc. But I’m not overly interested in that, everyone else is covering that stuff. And most of it is making Newbs shake with rage.

What I am interested in is what games you actually played in 2010. I played a ton of games this year that weren’t released in 2010, and the experience was more than satisfactory. Whether you ran out and bought Halo: Reach, just plugged in Borderlands or Left for Dead for another playthrough, or dusted off the old NES for some vintage Zelda action, that’s what I want to hear about. The games that actually mattered enough for you to play. So, what was the best game you played in 2010?

Image: Starcraft II box art. Copyright Blizzard.

The ridiculousness continues as the team of HuskyStarcraft and KurtHugoSchneider (who now identify their videos under the name of ‘Nerd Alert’) put out yet another Starcraft music video. This one is not a parody, however, but actually written and produced by the group. Terran players, enjoy.

Also, a quick trolling of the comments section has one couple, both avid Starcraft players, promising to play this song at their wedding. Neat.

Image: Copyright Wizards of the Coast.

A worthy member of any white deck, the Kitsune Blademaster can be a powerful addition to your arsenal.

For just three mana, you find yourself with a 2/2 creature who possesses the First Strike ability, which by itself can be a game changer. But he also uses the Bushido ability to give himself a temporary buff when being blocked or blocking, often awarding him a powerful advantage in combat.

Combining First Strike and a natural combat boost can be deadly, but consider throwing the poor furry a bone and put him on the donor list for a couple of your own spells to increase his abilities.

Throw a few of these into your white support deck and watch them quickly turn the battle in your favor.

Image: Adapted from iPhone vs Android by nrkbeta under a CC-BY-SA license. Yes, you can similarly share alike!

Recently, I’ve been hearing a lot of discussion/rage/rants regarding the debatable advantages of some of the new ‘in’ things; namely the iPhone and the Android systems for cellular phone usage.

Personally, I’m loathe to weigh in on either side. I just got finished hating the Blackberry (commonly known among all addicted users as a “Crackberry”) and really don’t need to pick up more handhelds to be disgusted by on principle.

So what do you all think? Is Steve Jobs still a maniacal monster up in his fortress made of stacked 100 dollar bills? Does he have the ‘it’ thing for 2011? Or is he desperately clinging to a format that he has managed to convince enough loudmouthed consumers to swear by profusely, but is technologically inferior?

So, ShufflingDead readers, tell me what you think. iPhone or Android?

Image: Copyright Wizards of the Coast.

This wrinkly old elf is ShufflingDead’s Magic Card of the Week this week, as well as the first Elf to be named Magic Card of the Week. The reason: Newbs hates Elves. That’s right, Newbs is a racist.

Elvish Archdruid rings in at the moderate cost of three mana, but makes a welcome addition to any Elf-themed deck. +1/+1 to all other Elves is fantastic, and pair that with a couple of the Elvish Champions that I’m sure you already have in your Elf deck, and he’s a 4/4 in his own right.

This guy can really kick your casting into overdrive. Using his ability gives you an instant influx of mana, letting you lay down foresty fierceness all over the fucking place.

Image: Adapted from Happy New Year! by meddygarnet under a CC-BY license.

This is it: 2010 is over as of midnight tonight. I know, I know, phrases like “where did the year go?” “OMG, it’s 2011!” and “I’m never drinking again…” will no doubt be assaulting you via the social networks of Facebook, Twitter, and any other site you happen to visit over the next few days. Enjoy that.

Upon reflecting this past year, I feel like I’ve accomplished a decent amount of stuff. No doubt you managed to gain some XP through the many moments you participated in. But I just need you to pick one and tell me about it. Tell me your proudest moment of this past year. Don’t tell me your New Year’s Resolutions, don’t tell me your goals for this next year, I’m probably barely interested. Just tell me one thing: What Was Your Best Moment of 2010?

Image: Photography by Teresa Nasty.

Performance artist Nate Hill has taken to the streets in New York City to clean up attitudes. When he dons his possessed panda costume, he becomes impervious to pain. But with great power comes great responsibility.

Hill uses this power to let frustrated citizens vent on his poor panda persona (fursona). He bounces through the streets like a boxing champ, challenging everyday people like you and me to hit him as hard as they can.

“Hit me. Hit more hard,” he urged a passersby on a freezing afternoon at busy Union Square. “You know you’re angry, you were angry this morning.”

HillPanda is generously donating his time and body for about six months on this project, which I applaud. But this type of frustration therapy needs to be watched closely, because movies tell me this can only lead to creating secret mayhem societies,  having Brad Pitt as your imaginary friend, and kicking your own ass.

Source: Edmonton Journal

Image: Copyright Wizards of the Coast.

Nothing better to stop your opponent’s hordes than a good ol’ fashioned wall. This week’s Magic Card of the Week, and the last one of 2010, is Wall of Omens from the Rise of the Eldrazi set.

If you look around for some other walls, you’ll notice they’re usually just a damage dumpster, high toughness, but low returning damage. And they typically come at a cost of 3+ mana.

Wall of Omens is a hero wall, delivering some moderate battlefield control with 4 toughness for only 2 mana, great for putting the brakes on an early rush. Aside from keeping the enemy’s filthy claws off of your magical person, Wall of Omens allows you to draw a card when it comes into play to keep up the offensive. Launch attacks from behind Wall of Omens and your rivals will despair in the face of your ivory wall of frustration.

Image: Adapted from Christmas, 2008 in NH by doortoriver under a CC-BY license.

Christmas is supposed to be all about giving. Or some religious icon’s fake birthday or something. Really, it’s about giving.

But today I want to talk about receiving gifts. What is the best Christmas present you’ve ever gotten? Was it the SNES you got from your parents in the 3rd grade? Was it the ridiculous grandpa sweater that fed a sweater habit that you just can’t kick? Or was it 60 Litres of Pepsi your friends gave you to mock you?

ShufflingDead wants to know! And if you feel like sharing your worst gift too, we’re all ears.

Image: Dexter promotional image. Copyright Showtime.

Here’s something I meant to share with you all a while ago. Earlier this month, Michael C. Hall, star of the TV series Dexter, appeared on Jimmy Fallon’s late night show.

Fans of the show will have a Dextergasm over this little song, and non-fans will probably be just as creeped out. Enjoy the melodious tones of serial killer Dexter’s calming voice. They might be the last you hear…if you were bad this year.

Image: Adapted from Happy Halloween !-1 by Bob Jagendorf under a CC-BY license.

Everyone knows that during a Zombie Apocalypse, the undead are everywhere, all the time. So how can you possibly be expected to have yourself a merry little Christmas with walking corpses spreading holiday fear?

Finally, a video guide to surviving the holidays AND the Zombpocalypse. These tips could be the difference between terrible death and living to survive the Zombie Apocalypse New Years.

Image: Wizards of the Coast, Inc.

Look at this big fucker. Just a giant, dragon-faced, forest-eating bastard, this guy.

The Craw Wurm emanates an aura of awesome so powerful, he’s been reprinted 12 times. A true classic of green battlefield supremacy, a Craw Wurm is always looked upon with fear, and just so that you remember that you are afraid, in all of his various printings, his flavor text never changes, explaining why you are afraid.

“The most terrifying thing about the Craw Wurm is probably the horrible crashing sound it makes as it speeds through the forest. This noise is so loud it echoes through the trees and seems to come from all directions at once.”

Call upon the Craw Wurm when you want to deal 6 damage to something and not much else.

Image: Adapted from christmas tree 2004 by scottfeldstein under a CC-BY license.

That’s the million dollar question this time of year, isn’t it? I can hardly talk to my family without being bombarded by queries of how they can buy my continuing love for the next 364 days.

It’s tough for me to just ask for something for Christmas these days. I’m older, working, and have my own place. I buy the low to moderate expense items that I want. Yes, there are still lots of things I want or need, like a new phone, iPod, or even a new TV stand. But I find it difficult to ask someone to buy things like this for me, because I have to live with their choice, rather than my own. Thus the invention of the gift card, I suppose.

But many people are uncomfortable giving close friends and relatives gift cards, preferring to endeavor to find a gift perfectly suited and carefully chosen, to show the recipient the thought and consideration they have for them. Then some last-minute stress induced frustration kicks in and you go buy a gift card anyway.

So, ShufflingDead readers, make it easy on your loved ones. Tell us what you want for Christmas. I can in no way promise to convey the message to your desired audience, but Christmas is about wishes or something, right?

This week’s Magic Card of the week is Vengevine, a powerful elemental from the Rise of the Eldrazi set.

Four mana gets you a 4/3 hasted creature. Never mind how rare it is to find a green card with Haste, this one has a mad-on for delivering some hate. Cast two creature spells in a single turn, and you can bring this beat-machine back from the dead for the low low cost of “free,” returning to continue his relentless assault on the puny bitches your pussy opponent is probably using.

Image: Wizards of the Coast, Inc.

With the recent release of the The Deathly Hallows: Part 1 and its record breaking box office sales, it seems pretty clear to me which episode of furious wand-waving is the superior use of my time. But having not seen the newest installment of the series yet myself, I have to wonder: Is it really going to be better than Half-Blood Prince? Or did they just take liberties with the Deathly Hallows book, add a metric crap-ton of special effects and call it the End-All Super Awesome?

So all of you out there, tell me which movie you liked best. And while you’re at it, which book you liked best too, especially if the answer is different. Which is the Best Harry Potter Movie?

Image: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 poster. Copyright Warner Bros.

A host of celebrities have rallied behind the leadership of Alicia Keys and flung their digital lives into a digital incinerator in support of HIV/AIDS awareness and aid.

Involved in this scheme are big deals like Usher, Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Lady Gaga, Ryan Seacrest, Justin Timberlake, and of course Alicia Keys herself. They’ve all pledged their digital lives to the cause, so they’ve abandoned Facebook and Twitter until $1,000,000 has been raised towards the relief of the HIV afflicted in Africa and India to buy their lives back.

An admirable idea for a charity drive in an age where a growing number of people out there can’t go without checking their Facebook every 12 minutes. Now the world just needs to decide if they really want some of them back. Do we need to know when Ryan Seacrest is being a douche or when Usher is Makin’ Love in this Club?

Source: Keep a Child Alive
Image: Kim Kardashian, BuyLife.org

Another ridiculous nerdy parody video surfaced on the internet about a week ago, this one loaded with StarCraft 2 referenced ammunition. It’s gained over 3,200,000 views on YouTube since release, and is brought to us by a fellow by the name of HuskyStarcraft. Big StarCraft nerd, yeah. But for this video he teams up KurtHugoSchneider, a talented internet film producer and musician whose videos can be viewed here.

This video has done so well so quickly that both parties have agreed to donate all proceeds from ad revenue and iTunes sales to charity, though have yet to decide which charity, but I hear they are open to ideas.

Hailing from the Conflux edition, Thornling is this week’s Magic Card of the Week.

Thorny here is pretty decent in a scrap, and he’s got the toughness to take a solid beating. But he really sets himself apart when you start giving him access to your mana account. Invest a little in this shapeshifter and he quickly becomes the top member of Club Beat-Your-Face.

It can get expensive to power up all his abilities every turn, but if you’ve got big beasts and powerful elementals in your deck, you’re using some land acceleration anyway. Just giving him the one mana lets him be an indestructible wrecking crew this turn. Giving him more lets him trample the crap out of your opponent’s army, and if you’ve got more spare mana kicking around, giving him +1/-1 can’t hurt since he’s already indestructible. A powerful addition to any mono-green stomp deck.

Gaming companies the world over have been jumping all up and down over the irritating fad of motion-sensitive video games. Wii, Kinect, Move, whatever, they’re reaching out to an expanding market as consumer demand seems to do nothing but increase for these products. But does it really?

I maintain that there is a small resistance movement present in the world, those still in possession of their faculties and sanity, that reject the supposed awesomeness of motion-sensitive games, and want nothing to do with this part of the swirling miasma of gimmicky gaming.

So this week’s Question: Do You Like Motion-Based Video Games?

Image: Microsoft.

A London Auction of movie memorabilia has inadvertently answered a long-asked question for world wide web. Which is greater: Spies or Sith Lords? The answer appears to be Spies.

An air pistol held by Sean Connery in a poster to promote From Russia With Love (released in 1963) has sold for £277,250. This is astoundingly above the auction estimate of £15,000-20,000.

Meanwhile, a complete Darth Vader costume, possibly the first to be sold at auction, failed to sell at all. Force Choke on that, George Lucas.

Barely worth mentioning, but another ‘keepsake’ that failed to sell at the auction was a pair of shorts worn by Christopher Reeve in Superman III. This is obviously because nobody likes the DC Universe. You can bet that Patrick Stewart’s wheelchair from X-men would have sold without a problem.

Source: BBC
Image: Poster from From Russia With Love. Copyright United Artists/Danjaq LLC.

Mr. Korben Dallas himself is set to star in advertisements for a bank in Russia. Willis is replacing actor/weightlifter Vladimir Turchinsky who, at the age of 46, died last year.

Trust Bank has hung up posters around streets in Moscow with John McClane’s mug accompanying the slogan “Trust is just like me, but a bank”. Clearly, Trust is a badass. They can probably keep your money safe. Trust can launch cars at helicopters.

Source: BBC
Image: Adapted from comiccon2010-6982.jpg by YGX under a CC-BY license.

Further confirming my opinion of leveling creatures being WotC-sanctioned cheating, here we have Echo Mage.

This dickhat here has true potential to royally fuck up any game. After being leveled, all you need is the usual control deck double blue to fire any spell for a second time. After a little more leveling, you get to copy the original spell twice. This includes any of your own bitchy blue control spells as well as your opponent’s. And to top it all off, for a wizard, he is pretty damn tough with a toughness of 3-5 and requires serious effort for removal. But then he just copies your removal spells anyway.

That’s right folks, the days of honorable beasts, zombies, and elephants duking it out is forever over,  Magic has fallen into a hate-spiral of trickery. If you meet anyone playing with Echo Mage in their deck, tell them, from me, that they are a penis.

Image: Wizards of the Coast, Inc.

Women everywhere have rallied behind the cause. In support of Movember’s goal of eradicating prostate cancer, women the world over have pledged to show men sporting Movember ‘staches that just because they sacrificed respectability this month, they don’t have to throw their sex life on the chopping block too.

You’re not a whore if it’s for charity.

Well, here in Alberta, winter has finally showed up to hit us in the face with it’s big frosty backhand. I don’t know why, but we always seem surprised by it.

With snow forcing me to shovel my driveway and take loads of extra time driving to get anywhere, I’m currently joining many of my fellow Albertans in cursing winter. But I know it’s not all bad. There are parts of winter that are good, even great.

So remind me: What is the Best Part of Winter?

Image: Adapted from Just a reminder of the long cold winter we had….. by Per Ola Wiberg ~ Powi under a CC-BY license.

Every day of our lives is made up of little things. The combinations of sensations that we experience every second all add up to our present, and make our days into what they are.

People always say to enjoy these little things. So this week I want to know what are the little things about your day that you enjoy. It can be anything, from your morning coffee to walking barefoot on freshly vacuumed carpet. A couple of mine are:

1. That second right after you clean your ears with a Q-tip.
2. That first sip of Coke out of an ice-cold can.

What’s so good about your day? What are the  Little Things That You Enjoy?

Image: Adapted from Enjoy : ) Sunrise July 11, 2010 by ChR!s H@rR!0t under a CC-BY license.

A worthy edition to any arsenal, the Sword of Vengeance cuts a bloody swath through any and all that might stand against it.

Wielded by one of your chosen champions this impressive blade will enable you to quickly deal death upon your opponent, making your creature an almost unstoppable force able to defend your valued person and attack your cowering enemies at the same time. If carried by one of your weaker fiends, there is no quicker way to go from zero to hero.

But of course, one of the best attributes of this card is that should the bearer of the Sword be bested in combat after being swarmed under by a horde of masturbating goblins, your other minions will be lining up to raise the sword in their own hands, anxious to continue raining hasted, vigilant, first striking and trampling damage all over the damn place.

Image: Wizards of the Coast, Inc.

It’s that time again, the traditional name of my birth month is being violated by hipsters who think it’s okay to mess with the name of a perfectly good month. This will only lead to more confusion as more hippie groups come up with more causes that need to be supported on the tired shoulders of 30 or 31 consecutive days (Or maybe just 28. February’s always seemed like a bit of a pussy to me.).

But seriously, November is here again and the event of Movember is in full swing, with men everywhere growing themselves a moustache in a battle for manly supremacy. And to promote awareness of prostate cancer, can’t forget that. So my question this week is simply: Are you participating in Movember? If yes, what is the target style? I wish I could pull off the fu-man chu.

Image: Adapted from caterpillars by istolethetv under a CC-BY license.

This week’s entry into the hallowed halls of the Magic Card of the Week is this total bastard, Abyssal Persecutor.

Worst case, the Persecution begins on the fourth turn, with this massive behemoth dropping its gigantic mass in front of your early game creatures, then proceeding to mercilessly pummel you into oblivion. This mythical asshat can be the key to total battlefield control, an unstoppable force of bat-winged dickery. When your life total is no longer an issue and your morale is in ruins, your opponent further embarass you by destroying his own creature, lifting the curse of your undeath, and delivering a malicious shit-eating grin.

Image: Wizards of the Coast, Inc.

So aparticularperson is about to embark on an epic adventure to Nepal. What is she going to do there? I don’t know, probably teach some Buddhist monks to read English or some shit.

But this gets me thinking: if you could go anywhere, where would you go? What amazing trip do you play out in your mind? If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be, what would you do, and why?

Image: Adapted from Parmiter Antiques Southsea Luggage by geishaboy500 under a CC-BY license.

The gaming industry sure has produced a lot of hardware over the years. Some good, some bad. So this week at shufflingdead.com, we want to know what your favorite consoles have been and, even more importantly, what your least favorite have been.

Did you buy a Virtual Boy? Any of the innumerable Gameboys or other handhelds? Did you sleep with your N64 under the pillow, or just get into gaming when the jocks who beat you up in highschool made the Xbox cool and played Madden all day? What is the enjoyment value of a Gamecube? And come on, how awesome was the PS2? I know, right?

We want your bests and worsts. Tell us why you did or didn’t buy a console. What are the Best and Worst Consoles?

Image: Adapted from XBox 360 Fun by Dave_B_ under a CC-BY license.

McDonalds has announced a new service for couples that will be available next year: the McWedding. Can’t make this stuff up.

Three Hong Kong locations will offer the McWedding. This is apparently a big business opportunity for them since some couples have dated or actually met at a McDonalds and want to relive that heart-stopping, artery-clogging experience on their wedding day. Also, since the expense of a traditional wedding has become quite high for Hong Kongers, they are providing a fast-food alternative. Is it a bad time to mention that each time I order anything from the menu at McDonalds I end up regretting it?

I predict McDonalds’ next attempts at expanding their menu with items they really shouldn’t will include: the McDivorce, the McAbortion, and the McScubaDivingLesson.

Source: 24hrs.
Image: McDonalds by loop_oh under a CC-BY-ND license.

It must sadly be reported that Australia-based game developer, Krome, has closed its doors and boarded up its windows as of Friday, October 15th.

Krome was Australia’s largest developer, most noticed for the PS2 and Wii versions of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and the recently released arcade game Blade Kitten.

Source: IGN
Image: From MTV. Copyright LucasArts.

Another saddening announcement in the gaming world, Disney Interactive Studios is cancelling the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean: Armada of the Damned game.

Armada of the Damned was being developed by Vancouver-based Propaganda Games and was supposed to be an engaging action RPG based in the world of Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean, except good, not like most movies-to-games. The story was to take place before the first movie’s events, so no rigid or previously revealed plotlines would have been present. Players were to control a pirate captain and rise to fame, or infamy, based upon the actions taken by the player, with different storylines, quests, weapons, attacks, and personalities for each. This game looked pretty interesting.

But unfortunately, the rum is gone, and at this point, gamers will not be able to realize their dream of some freestyle swashbuckling on the high seas.

Source: IGN
Image: From Wikipedia. Copyright Disney Interactive Studios.

The mind boggles with the number of uses for this card. Whether you’re using it to load up some free damage onto your opponent’s ugly face or slamming him or her with an embarrassing deck or poison kill, Distortion Strike is maddeningly ferocious.

One land gets you a rebounding sorcery giving a creature a free pass on delivering some hate to someone who deserves it. Twice.

Image: Wizards of the Coast, Inc.

Well, it’s October, and once again, I have no idea what I am being for Halloween. For me, Halloween costumes are usually done the day-of, halfheartedly.

I’m told some of you crazy people actually put effort and thought into this event every year, though, so I’m curious: What Are You Being For Halloween? A Slutty Cat? A Slutty Cop? A Slutty Pumpkin? Or even a No-Beard Riker?

Image: Adapted from On the Phone by rkelland under a CC-BY-SA license. Yes, you can use this image if you similarly Share Alike!

In light of the disastrous and unforeseen results regarding my question of Star Wars vs. Star Trek, I’ve decided that all of you Trekkies need to fight it out amongst yourselves. So my question is simply this: Kirk or Picard?

Which Starfleet Captain has more courage to boldly go where no man has gone before? Which one more cunningly defies the odds to protect the Federation? Which one beats up more aliens? Who is better? Captain James Kirk or Captain Jean-Luc Picard? Showdown time.

The revival of the GoldenEye title exclusively for Wii will be accompanied by some new additions, including a recently announced multiplayer mode: Classic Conflict.

Classic Conflict will have players assume the faces, sizes, and personal sense of style of one the the great legends of the Bond franchise. This will include the diminutive Oddjob, the gigantic Jaws, and the man so attached to his wardrobe that he dies when you shoot his giant hat, Baron Samedi. When a player dies, they respawn as another of the legend list characters. This could lead to up to 8 little bastard Oddjobs circle-strafing all over the damn place.

This mode will be unlockable by either reaching level 35 in online multiplayer or by coupon code with the purchase of a Golden Classic Controller Pro, available in a bundle with the game. Shiny.

Source: IGN
Image: Copyright Activision.

Nerds have a lot of reputations, most of them unsavory. Between the hygiene issues, social awkwardness, dietary tendencies and porn addictions, some are pretty gross individuals. But today isn’t about judging.

Today I want to know why nerds will retreat to their basement to create their nest. There are other rooms in the house. Is it because their mom won’t let them have a computer or a TV in their room? Is it the ease with which a couple of small drapes can create a world of darkness to enhance their manic gameplay? Is it the slightly cooler temperature to keep nerd sweat under control? Is it the illusion of solitude, broken only when their mom comes down to do the laundry? Or is it all of these things, combining to creating a dungeon atmosphere, living in dark solitude getting further and further disconnected from reality, living only through WoW and surviving on Cool Ranch Doritos and Jolt?

We at Shufflingdead want to know. Why the Basement?

It is unclear to me what the specific ‘appeel’ of this item truly is to the gaming community, but at least now gamers will have another place to stick their Wii when they’re not playing with it.

[source]

Inspired by a local radio show, I’ve decided to compile a list of Things You Can’t Look Cool Doing and publish it here on the site, and for the first time ever on Shufflingdead.com, I’d like to accept user submitted content for this article. I’ll even credit you for the idea.

So have you ever seen someone holding his girlfriend’s purse while she shops, camping out in front of a theatre to see the next Twilight, or seen DMUSER dancing and thought ‘hey, that poor guy kinda looks like a tool right now’? We want to hear about it.

Image: The Expendables cover art. Copyright Lionsgate.

Welcome again to Movie Maundering, home of my opinion. Enjoy. This week, I actually went to the theater to see a recently released movie, The Expendables.

Plot

Mercenaries turn crusaders for some reason.

Cast

This film’s cast is a spectacular coming together of some of the most iconic action stars into a single tremendously badass movie. Main characters are played by Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Dolph ‘you’d better not rob my house’ Lundgren. The whole crew basically runs around slamming bitches and shooting faces. Stone Cold Steve Austin makes yet another Hollywood appearance as the bruiser muscle for the bad guys, and even Bruce Willis and the Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger show up to the party for a quick cameo.

Weskimo’s Take

Fun. Just lots of fun. The Expendables is pretty much one single streaming ass kicking on all fronts. The story is nothing to write home about, seeing as it is virtually non-existent. They take a job to assassinate some military leader on a remote island, but turn it down when they reason that it must be a CIA setup. But then they come back and do it anyway, because Stallone inexplicably wants to save the target’s daughter(who is young enough to make you question his motives). Doesn’t make a lot of sense.

But the film just explodes with violent content. Brutal striking, wrestling, shooting, and knife-fights make up the entire flow of the movie, typically getting more explosive towards the finale. The only real complaint I could come up with on the action was a fairly grand amount of exceedingly unrealistic performances. Guy uses a super-shotgun and blows up concrete watchtowers. What up with that?

The Expendables was obviously created with a mission in mind: to make the audience sit up and say ‘that was cool!’ That being said, mission accomplished. This movie was cool. Also, it was extremely cool to see all of these actors stand up and whip some ass. Can’t give it many points for creativity or story, but if you’re out looking for a movie to deliver a furious flurry of action straight into your occipital lobe, The Expendables will hit the mark, probably with an unexpectedly explosive grenade.

Image: Adapted from Mark Zuckerberg Facebook SXSWi 2008 Keynote by deneyterrio under a CC-BY license.

Facebook is in the process of testing a new level of stalkerdom these days, allowing users to subscribe to follow other users.

What this function is supposed to do is alert the stalker whenever the stalkee does fucking anything. Because you couldn’t possibly live if you missed a status update from any of your 593 Facebook friends on your cell phone immediately. I’m glad Zuckerberg has our back on this one.

[source]

Following my recent viewings of the Ninja Turtles movies, I’ve been assaulted with rampaging waves of nostalgia from my childhood. After these debilitating attacks pass, I’ve been left only with a few musings and a terrible sense of how much time I wasted in my youth.

But yes, musings. Right. So Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Is The Best? Was it Donatello’s nerdy quips? Leonardo’s dubious leadership and inability to actually cut anyone with his swords? Michelangelo’s random pop culture references? Or Raphael’s insufferable personality?

So let’s talk, you and I. We can solve this. Which Ninja Turtle is the best?

1. write a Games in Review article once a month
Taken care of.

2. write a Movie review once a month
Also taken care of.

3. be a guest on the podcast once a month
Done, done, done, and done.

5. be a guest reviewer in an SDGR video
Reviewed Sega Superstars Tennis with Newbs.

7. do a Rock Band Stage Kit video after I get it working
Filmed and soon to be uploaded.

8. avoid seeing the shirtless photoshoot of Newbs and DMUSER
Seeing as this proposed abomination did not come into existence, I consider my goal complete.

10. have more articles than sulci
As of this To-Do List update, I have more articles submitted than sulci.

12. complete a monthly update of this list
Also complete.

16. have a movie night for the Ninja Turtles movies
Cowabunga.

19. see Master and Commander
Not overly impressed to be totally honest. Perhaps I’ll review it sometime and go into detail.

20. see Iron Man 2
Fun enough to watch, but pretty bare-bones on the story.

27. watch all of The Big Bang Theory
Thoroughly enjoyed.

29. make a huge Magic: the Gathering order
Wow, Magic costs a lot.

36. Play Dominion
Fiona and aparticularperson kicked my ass.

39. buy and beat Army of Two: 40th Day
Actually much easier without Brentor’s suck dragging me down.

48. play Starcraft 2
Done. Must remember to ask Blizzard ‘Why?’ sometime.

50. defeat Newbs every week in Shufflingdead basketball
Each week where Newbs was not on my team, he was crushed.

54. try to get Newbs to run with me in the morning
I asked several times, got a few ‘god, no’s. The attempt was there.

60. barbeque once a week
Close enough.

66. attend Sonic Boom
Pretty spectacular show.

70. use the word voracious in casual conversation
Used.

72. pacify the lady friend by “baking her a fucking cake”
I baked two!

79. learn more about wine so that I don’t suck at my new job
Did you guys know that a the term Spatlese refers to the level of a grape’s ripeness when it is picked? I do.

87. buy decorations of some kind for my house
Not completed to the degree I’d expected, but I’ll count it, a few additions to the walls.

97. expand my sexual repetoire
…

So, after tallying all points, including my 25 goals completed in August, my total number of To-Do List goals in Summer 2010 comes up to 55/100.

Biggest Successes

I had a rather surprising amount of success because of the list. There were definitely some actions I did specifically because the list existed. I found myself slightly more motivated to take action. I would say my greatest successes would be in regards to my increased contributions to the site (which took the most motivation, to be honest), some increased organization, and discovering my mad baking skillz.

Biggest Failures

Ask me for anything but time. By far my most disappointing section was the video games section. I just do not have the time I used to that I can put towards gaming. Also, several items were rendered impossible this summer, as I didn’t acquire a horse until mid July so it would be difficult to go horseback riding, I realized I didn’t have time to make buying a bike worthwhile, and I spent about a month on lower physical activity levels with an ankle injury. The biggest failure of the To-Do List this summer was definitely in making the list, as I made it as if I had no life.

I’ve also decided to remove from the list # 84, ‘get over my crush on Michelle Branch’ because I won’t even try to do that one. I could, but why would I want to?

Lessons for Next Year

Fewer time intensive goals, like so many movie nights, large lists of 40+ hour video games, and fewer totally unproductive goals. All in all, the To-Do List was fairly effective at encouraging productivity in my general actions of the summer. It was a useful and engaging tool that I will definitely be making use of again next year.

The members of the Facebook group “subversively move Tony Blair’s memoirs to the Crime section in book shops” implemented these actions as a peaceful protest, and the group gained more than 9000 members. The outrage towards Blair’s autobiography is largely in response to the claim that he makes in the book that insists that it was the right decision to invade Iraq.  There is disagreement over this statement, as many argue that their government pushed them into an unjust war needlessly and with ulterior motives. Group creator, Euan Booth, describes the effort as a non-violent direct action against “our generation’s greatest war criminal.”

While I deem that particular statement to be a little bit of an overestimation of the former prime minister’s Sith Lord powers, I have to applaud the idea. Bookstore hijinks as a political statement is just funny to me.

[source]

This might be a power move by Jeffster to return and overthrow the title character, Chuck, for control of the show. They will clearly use their new-found Halo Powers to deliver the beat down on superspy Chuck, an avid Call of Duty player, who will be helpless against their new, but identical-to-Halo 3, gameplay tactics.

[source]

Traffic on this particular highway was cleared just over a week ago following a 9 day, 100km long gridlock. This time, the standstill is estimated to be about 120kms long.

The massive backlog of vehicles is largely due to the needs of Beijing’s population of 20 million. Constant supplies of food, consumer goods and coal are required to keep the city running properly. Combine the flow of those deliveries with a little bit of roadwork and you have yourself a parking lot.

[source]

Vaughn says in an interview “It’s not just about please don’t let my cellphone drop calls today. It’s about, you know, help me to be the best Christian, the best person I can be in my conversations, in my communication.”

Personally, I’m not too hopeful of her chances of increasing attendance too much with this initiative, but I am a little curious. If I had her bless my Xbox controller, would I be playing with the Holy Fist of God on my side?

[source]

I do a lot of driving during the course of my everyday life, and found myself recalling a few odd ones from recent memory. For example, today I was on the highway and saw a cloud shaped exactly like the profile of the starship Enterprise. A few weeks ago, I saw a 40-50 year old man in a leather vest and baseball cap skateboarding down a busy city street. Like seriously, like a 60km/h zone, he was going 4km/h and using a lane.

So what else is out there? Tell us what you’ve been seeing. What is the Weirdest Thing You’re Ever Seen While Driving?

Note: We will accept ‘while on the bus’ for those of us who are vehicularly challenged.

Several new modes have been announced, including an offline mode vs. bots, one more way to hate playing this game. I wonder if the AI will camp like a bastard too?

One good thing about this game is the introduction of CP (CoD Points) used as money to upgrade and unlock new weapons. Much preferred over unlocking as you progress, where you often get items you care very little about. To my understanding, you can spend the points on whatever you want.

But here we are, the money shot, 4 new game modes, 3 of which seem to be 1-shot-kills tomfoolery designed to make you camp and wait for a kill, actively punishing those players out to play the game. Thanks for making sure that the assholes of noobs everywhere are more accessible to every dick on the internet, Treyarch.

Image: Butterfly Effect cover art. Copyright New Line Cinema.

Welcome again to Movie Maundering. Further expanding upon my recent urge to punish myself for unknown sins likely committed in a past life by watching exceptionally poor movie choices, I just finished watching The Butterfly Effect.

Plot

Speaking of committed, this movie focuses most of its time around the theme of mental instability, insanity, and institutionalization. Evan Treborn is afflicted with a seemingly hereditary bout of behavioural instability, manifesting itself in the blacking out of traumatic events. But as it turns out, Evan, and his father and grandfather before him, were actually able to return themselves to these points in their past and redo them, dramatically changing the lives of everyone around them. Everyone else just thought they were crazy. But things never go quite right, someone always gets the stubby end of the dick when Evan goes time traveling, and though he might help one friend, he often causes greater damage to himself or others. So he sets out to fix that too… and there we have the movie.

The film is largely based around the model of Chaos Theory, a set of studies based in math, economics, philosophy and physics to study how any action can affect events far out of its scope. This is commonly known as the ‘Butterfly Effect’, where it is suggested that something as small as a butterfly can flap its wings and the ripple effect of that action could cause a hurricane halfway around the world.

Cast

Ashton Kutcher stars as Evan Treborn, though he is often portrayed in his teenage self or child self by John Amadori and Logan Lerman respectively. His paramount love interest and ultimate goal of the girl to rescue is played by Amy Smart, the character Kayleigh Miller. Other faces show up that you probably can’t name yourself like Elden Henson (Fulton from D2: The Mighty Ducks), William Lee Scott (teenage Anton in Gattaca) and bigman Ethan Suplee (Frankie from Boy Meets World). All in all a pretty decent cast. Ashton Kutcher does a crazy-man run that is a must-see.

Weskimo’s Take

I’ve gotta say, this movie had a fair bit going for it. Chaos Theory is an interesting premise for a movie. However…

This movie ended up with some cheesy balls in its mouth. The beginning of the movie is hard to follow, and though they try hard to build suspense and be dramatic, the feelings they are going for just aren’t there. It does possess a bit of the psychotic behaviour that will shock the audience, predominantly shown through Tommy Miller, Kayleigh’s brother. The problem child actively enjoys brutally delivering a beat down, and likes burning puppies. Pretty sick. Evan’s best friend Lenny also ends up in a mentally unstable state more times than not after his little ‘fixes’ as well, moving between quietly withdrawn, openly violent, and nearly catatonic.

Another serious flaw of the movie is its lack of focus. They attempted to try to cram too many big attention-getter issues into the movie, nothing gets more than a few minutes of play. Prostitution, child pornography, parental abandonment, abusive parents, lost loves, psychological trauma, fraternity douchebaggery, suicide, cancer… they hit on all the key effect points, but never stayed there long enough for anyone but Evan to care.

I have to mention as well that The Butterfly Effect has a few rather large holes in its plot. Mostly, I can’t understand why Evan refused to simply return to the blackout event in question when things went wrong and try a different way to fix it. True to its name, just a couple of tiny things make everything blow up for him in almost every case. He could just try it again, couldn’t he? Also, they never explain the origin of this hereditary ability to change the past? Was his grandfather exposed to gamma rays as a child? Attend Hogwarts? Or is it just some random genetic brain anomaly that allows them to manipulate time and space? Most frustrating.

Probably one of the things that bugged me the most is the Director’s Cut ending. In the Theatrical version, as a last resort, Evan realizes that Kayleigh is better off without him, and makes one last trip to a birthday party when they were 7 and proceeds to alienate her beyond all repair. They grow up separately, and are both decently successful and happy, and none of his friends are insane. There is even a cliché déjà vu moment as they pass each other in the street, and you think she recognizes him, but she’s not sure, so they keep on walking. But in the Director’s Cut, Evan decides that the world would be better off without him entirely, and travels back to the womb and strangles himself with the umbilical cord. What the fuck? No worries there, Mr. Emo, I’m sure your mom would love the gift of a third stillborn child. Nice work, champ.

In conclusion, The Butterfly Effect is a less than mediocre movie. I didn’t gain much enjoyment from it, and I spent most of my time waiting for it to get exciting. It was rather predictable, poorly explained, and dramatically ineffectual. The premise was good, the cast was pretty great, and even showed some decent versatility by being able to play their characters in several realities, but in the end, the film just did not deliver a lasting performance for the audience.

Wow, I got through this review without an abortion joke after watching a baby hang himself in the womb. Where’s DMUSER when you need him?

Scoring

Image: Antitrust cover art. Copyright Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

In an attempt to bum rush my To-Do List for some last-minute points, I got myself to watch another member of the Computing Science 101 pack, Antitrust. Here’s what I thought of it.

Plot

Milo is a computer programmer who is headhunted by a giant global corporation called NURV (Never Underestimate Radical Vision) and offered a lucrative job opportunity at the firm. Although sad to leave his friends in the small-time project they started together, he takes the position and moves to the company’s headquarters in Oregon.

Work goes very well at first, friendly coworkers, nice job perks, etc. And his job is made easier by his new boss, CEO Gary Winston, seemingly coming up with the missing piece of code out of thin air whenever he hits a roadblock. All is on track for the completion of the company’s next claim to fame, Synapse, a huge social multimedia network set to launch and revolutionize communication the world over.

This all changes when his best friend and former colleague is murdered, and then Winston delivering another piece of ground-breaking programming the following day. Suspicious, Milo begins to investigate, and following the gruesome discovery that NURV is behind the conspiratorial theft, murder, and cover-up of dozens of programmers, he sets out to bring about righteous justice.

Cast

Not bad. Ryan Phillippe plays the lead as Milo, with the oh-so-hot Rachel Leigh Cook backing him up as the hot girl from work/sort of other woman, but not really/traitorous biatch in the end, and Tim Robbins makes a great creepy but charismatic corporate villain. He kinda looks like a cross between Steve Jobs and Bill Gates.

Weskimo’s Take

This movie has a lot of flaws. The soundtrack is pretty good, though its ‘suspense music’ can be pretty oddly placed sometimes. And from several instances of poorly explained story and weak script to the beat-you-about-the-face predictability present throughout, there is a fair bit wrong with this movie.

That being said, I like Antitrust. It’s got that nerdy computer-based storyline that I find appealing, along with a Big Brother type of story progression where Milo discovers just exactly how much of his life is tracked, followed, and manipulated by the evil watchdog enterprise of NURV.

Otherwise, I suppose my only real complaint is how little actually happens in the movie. It sort of seems like it runs you in circles the whole time. I suppose this could be because that is what the movie is about, basically playing for time until the life-altering media network is complete, but it really comes through as simply a lack of significant actions.

All in all, Antitrust is a decent movie. It won’t blow your mind with a big twist ending or anything, and if it does, it will be about half an hour before the writers wanted it to. Worth the watch, but it’s no Hackers.

Scoring

Welcome back to Games in Review! Today I’ll be reviewing RPG-Shooter, Borderlands for the Xbox 360.

Story

The story of Borderlands is blessedly simple: You’re a Treasure Hunter on the planet Pandora looking for a legendary find called The Vault. Nobody has ever been able to find The Vault, so of course no one can tell you what is inside, but many have speculated that The Vault contains spectacular riches, far-advanced technology, or anything else they’ve ever desired.

As a note, I was hoping for a secret harem. I was kind of right, but not in a good way.

Gameplay

When you begin the game, you take on one of 4 characters to control, each with his or her own unique skill set, proficiencies, and ability tree. Your choices are Hunter (for sniping and revolvers), Soldier (assault rifles and shotguns), Siren (SMGs), and Berserker (Fists and Rockets). You can obviously attempt to customize your characters, and it is often useful to steer away from the predetermined career paths in order to use some more effective weapons or round out your party if you are playing with friends. Your view is from first person, and you can level up your character in the menus to learn new abilities, gain stat boosts and critical hits, and otherwise customize your ass-kicking machine.

The game consists of many small quests of the usual variety: kill this, steal that, find these pieces of a new weapon, etc. Quests are activated either at designated terminals around the world or by talking to the often surly locals. You can simply push your way through the story, but it is extremely worthwhile to play as many of the optional side quests as you can for big payoffs of the experience, gold, and weaponry kinds.

You can play with a party of up to four friends, and the game will balance the difficulty based on the number of players involved. Luckily, the designers realized the tendencies of the internet and the bane of the infamous Leaver to online gamers. The game will automatically scale down the difficulty if a player leaves.

The gameplay is fairly straightforward, but it’s not a simple blast-through-everything type of game. There are many different armor types, weapon strengths and weaknesses, enemy strategies, and customizable abilities to be considered to even have a chance at success.

Combat is usually quite sudden and frantic, barely offering time to whisper “oh, shit”, making it extremely important to be as prepared as possible. If you or an ally is downed, that person can be revived by either getting in the killshot on an enemy for a self-revive (called a second wind), or be picked up by another player. If the timer expires, the character respawns at the last spawn point, usually leaving the team at a significant disadvantage, so know when to get the hell out of Dodge.

Graphics

All in all, pretty good. Environments are well rendered and engaging, and it really adds to the game’s Western-Comic Booky feeling. Not really much to complain about, but not groundbreaking either. Really cool stylized textures though. Nice to see something different.

Sound

Gotta give this one some good marks for sound. Between using pretty decent weapon and attack effects, effective ‘in danger’ combat music, and including Cage the Elephant’s ‘Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked’ as their overall theme song, Borderlands gains some points for me in the sound category. Even the voice acting was more than tolerable.

Overall

This game is worth the play. Other than a couple of annoying missions that my completionist compatriots and I embarked upon and a startlingly easy final boss, Borderlands delivered everything that was promised. Think Halo crossed with Diablo. Sounds pretty good, right? It is.

Gameplay:
Graphics:
Sound:
Overall:

Check out Shufflingdead’s video review of Borderlands.

From time to time, you might come across the odd individual who tries to talk to you about the Final Frontier, but something seems off about it. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but something about the conversation is nagging at you, just tugging at the thread-like hold you have on your sanity.

Then you realize: They are saying “Track” when they should be saying “Trek”. At first, you think, oh, they must have had a slight pronunciation error, they’ll get it right next time. But they don’t. They never do. They keep on saying “Track”, as if the Enterprise is on a predetermined track around space rather than the epically adventurous explorative TREK that they truly embark upon.

So does this bother you? And do you correct them? Or let them continue to blissfully annoy nit-picky nerds like me?

Image: Constantine cover art. Copyright Warner Bros.

I must apologize, both to our readers and the rest of the staff at here shufflingdead.com. I’ve been really slacking these days. My Movie Maundering article is now two weeks late. I’ve even got two started right now, but I just can’t seal the deal. I have been trying to figure out why I just couldn’t get into reviewing another movie, but now I understand: I didn’t fully and completely proclaim my hatred of Constantine, my last review. It’s been tearing me up inside without me even knowing. But luckily, a half bottle of wine and some quiet have allowed me to discover this prolific problem, and I am about to settle in to rectify the situation. Strap in, boys and girls.
This movie left me with a feeling of senseless rage. Absolutely nothing about it was good.

Let’s start with some Shia rage today. First of all, and I don’t know how I forgot to mention this in my initial review, but after the credits roll, Neo (Keanu, when you learn to act like anyone but Neo, I’ll start calling you something other than Neo) visits Shia LaBeouf’s grave, only to witness his triumphant return as a fucking angel. Seriously? Neo has been working his ass off, banishing demons all over the damn place, and Shia says a few biblical phrases and is awarded angelhood? That’s gotta be frustrating. Second, why on earth is the cab driver his wish-to-be sidekick? How often do you even get the same cab driver twice? And third, why does he try to be as good at it as Neo? Doesn’t he know that Neo is The One?

I’ll get back to Neo now. They say several times in the movie that Constantine has no real powers, that he is a mere mortal. Then why the hell is he able to defeat the magics of one of the most powerful heavenly beings around with some runes on his arm that were clearly drawn with a sharpie in Grade 10 Physics class and pretending to be on Dragonball Z? Then there is the fact that he simply walks through a host of demon warriors with a cross-shaped, pimped and gold-plated shotgun. And the chain-smoking man dying of lung cancer, who smokes 4 packs a day, doesn’t wheeze or cough once during the whole thing?

And then we have the true workhorse of the movie: the nameless man carrying the key to earthly destruction. Does he HAVE to be Mexican? Really Warner Bros? You had a man dig up a centuries-old spearhead and WALK it all the fucking way to LA? Nice work there Warner, thank you. Thank you for telling the world that Mexicans are Hell’s Couriers.

There is so much unbelievable crap flying around Constantine that I half expected them to turn around and tell me that my dog snoring in the middle of the night is the devil speaking to him in code to tell him to shit on the sidewalk in the morning. I’m going to have to wrap this up because my rage is starting to overcome my ability to be coherent. This movie freaking sucks.

The ultimate nerd showdown. Star Trek or Star Wars?

This question has plagued our society for far too long. It’s time to settle it once and for all. We at Shufflingdead do not just want to know this. We need to know whether the Force is with us or not. We need to know the value of the Prime Directive. We need to know if these are the droids we are looking for, and perhaps most of all, we need to know how many goddamn lights there are!

Luckily, sanity was victorious and the proposal was brushed off as easily as a stray salt n’ vinegar chip from my computer desk.

The issue stems from some parents and teachers becoming concerned when some children would experience headaches and stomach aches that would clear up on the weekends. But no, we couldn’t possibly question these kids’  motives for trying to get out of going to school, could we? Technology is involved somewhere, that must be the root of this totally unproven evil!

Several parents are still outraged, demanding that the issue be looked into, overlooking the fact that it already has, as the World Health Organization has already conducted conclusive studies on the issue, showing no negative effects of the minuscule radio frequency.

Teachers are not discouraged, however, they plan to get more big scary words for next time they talk this one up. One teacher, Terri Beck, goes on to say “We’ll have a crack at it again maybe with some language that other people might be willing to get on board with.” Ms. Beck, I’d suggest ‘Terrorist’ or ‘West Nile’. People are pretty scared of those these days.

[source]

Apparently, the Koreans were still too busy playing the original StarCraft to leave their computers to go buy SC2, since sales of 1.5 million might seem like a lot, but SC2 doesn’t measure up when looking at the some of Blizzard’s other releaseS. the World of WarCraft expansion packs Burning Crusade and Wrath of the Lich King sold 2.4 million and 2.7 million respectively in a SINGLE DAY.

Analysts expect to see SC2 sales hit 6.5 million in the 2010 sales year.

[source]

In the world of the Nerd, you may have come into contact with one of those ‘PC Gamers’. They are typically a reclusive sort, prone to spend long hours hunched over a computer clicking frantically in a desperate attempt to make up for repressed and unresolved sexual issues. These lost souls will vehemently claim that any game is better with a mouse and keyboard than a controller, and arrogantly scoff at those who lean more towards a console controller.

So Shufflingdead readers, tell me, who has it right? Should Console Gamers hold up their controllers with righteous zeal, or should they be cowed by the nay-saying hermits of PC Gaming?

28. watch all of Venture Brothers
One of the best shows I’ve ever watched. A must-see for anyone with a sense of humor.

32. finalize decks with card protectors
Multiple Magic decks have been deemed fit for combat and been entered into card protectors.

64. attend Motion Notion
Four days of camping and techno. Holy hell what a good time.

68. make DMUSER’s Birthday exceed previous levels of awesome
Upon reflection of the previous month’s event of DMUSER’s Birthday I found that it did, at the very least, match previous levels of DMUSER’s Birthday awesome. Good show by all involved.

72. pacify the lady friend with a camping trip
Two mana later, the lady friend has been struck by Pacifism.

74. get an additional fence put in
Done.

75. commit mass herbicide, murdering grass and weed alike, in an effort to clear my lawn of hostiles
Round 1 of The Purge complete, looking much better out there. Will need another round to pick up some fugitives, however.

85. buy new music
Bought a few new albums by artists like Against Me and the Gaslight Anthem. Vampire Weekend’s new album was most disappointing though.

I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that some of these goals are total write-offs and now impossible to complete, for example, I missed Boonstock for DMUSER’s Birthday, and will miss the Sonic 1K because of other schedule conflicts as well. Also, replaying Suikoden 1,2, and 5 is probably a combined 90 hours of gaming, which I cannot see myself having the time to power through in the next month. But looking at the accomplishments of the summer, and what I plan to have done for August 31st, the summer is looking pretty successful.

This month put me up 8 more goals, bringing the total to 30/100.

Over the years, Nintendo has repeatedly set Donkey Kong and Bowser up as rivals and equals. Both race the same in Mario Kart, play the same in Mario Tennis, and are clearly both capable of kidnapping the same princess. Nintendo has pitted these two titans against each other again and again, and each time the result is a mirror-image staring match.

So lets throw these two into a no-items, three-stock, winner takes all grudge match in Hyrule Temple and let history decide once and for all. Who Would Win in a Fight Between Bowser and Donkey Kong?

[image source]

Gamers are advised to treat this game like a live grenade. Put some body armor on your sanity for this one.

[source]

Nerds have a stigma attached to them that suggests that they are basement-dwelling Cheeto-scarfers. But I know this is not true for all of us. In the course of a serious Nerd Marathon of accomplishment, you might find yourself gripped by Hunger’s merciless fist. I find nerds to be fairly adaptable, since sometimes your mom just forgets to buy the Cheetos.

So I want to know: What Is Your Go-To Nerd Snack?

Welcome back to Games In Review. Today, we’ll be reaching way back into my childhood to the ol’ SNES days and reviewing Super Mario RPG.

Story

The game starts out like any other Mario game: the Princess is missing, and it looks like Bowser is up to his old tricks again. After a bit of investigating, however, we discover that the true culprit behind all of the goings on is a villain named Smithy, a smith, who has somehow managed to put a stop order on all the wishes in the stars. If he isn’t stopped, nobody’s wishes will ever come true again…

Gameplay

As the title might imply, this is a Mario game, except it’s an RPG. The usual Mario linear world map applies, and each area is free movement until Mario gets into an encounter, followed by a turn-based battle to the death. I’ve gotta say, this game is full of Mario-themed fun. Lots of running, jumping, dodging enemies, and movement based mini-games; it’s a hell of a good time. Mario once again navigates the world with runs and jumps. This game was a refreshing change from the simple Mario platformers more common with the franchise to this point, as Mario was free to move in eight directions.

Mario is joined in combat by four friends: Princess Toadstool, Bowser, and two new characters; Geno and Mallow. Each has varying strengths, weaknesses, spells, etc. What is really different about this game is the Timed Hit functions. Each weapon has a method of timing to it that allows extra damage, what other RPGs usually deem a critical hit. This game allows you to, if you’re paying attention, constantly dump critical hits on your enemies. The spells work the same way after a fashion. You might have to press Y repeatedly, or hold Y to charge depending on the spell, but the game ends up being some button-mashing fun.

Graphics

For a Super Nintendo game, this game has amazing graphics. Well-rendered sprites abound and bounce around the screen and our heroic plumber’s frantic gait takes us past well-rendered environments. No grainy crap for this game.

Sound

Just what you would expect from Mario, the soundtrack is perfectly fitting for the game. It almost seems to fit the mood everywhere. From exploring the Mushroom Kingdom town to battling the Axem Rangers, Super Mario RPG manages to keep it’s sound on track throughout. Sound effects are the usual Nintendo bonks and smashes, but my only complaint is possibly the battle music. I found that it started to get old fairly quickly.

Overall

This game is beautiful, and an absolute treat to play. The story moves along quickly, and the game can be played through in a relatively short amount of time without missing anything important. The characters are fun, and the dialogue is certainly entertaining. And let’s not forget that this game introduced one of the most iconic characters of all time, the infamous Chef Torte. With all of the new-gen games on my shelf, I could easily sit myself down and play through this title again.

Gameplay:
Graphics:
Sound:
Overall:

Many of you may have noticed that we’ve finally managed to get Newbs to change things around on the site to make it a little easier to use of late, including making the comment section more user-friendly. This is largely due to your feedback and comments.

So this week’s question is simply: “What can Shufflingdead Do For You?” What other gems of ideas do our readers possess on how we can improve? Are there segments you’d like to see more often? Topics we should focus on more? More layout comments? More videos? Should we try to find DMUSER? Or is the Force in perfect balance?

Recently, some of the big gaming-industry leaders attended a giant expo to showcase upcoming equipment and titles. I think it was called G3 or E2 or something. Whatever.

Nerds are an excitable bunch, so this week we at shufflingdead.com want to know which announcements have you quivering in anticipation. Which titles have you salivating for the glorious images assaulting your eyes? What hardware has your fingers itching to feel its powers in your hands? Which games have lit the fire of competition in your hearts? Tell us, because, yeah, it’s important and stuff.

Please note that we’ve taken your responses from last week’s question into consideration and enabled commenting without the need to sign up! Check out the comment form below (or after the jump, as the case may be).

Image: Constantine cover art. Copyright Warner Bros.

Plot

John Constantine has been able to see demons since he was a child. Nobody really knows why. Unfortunately for him, it has led everyone he knew to think that he was crazy, so he tried to kill himself. He was legally dead for two minutes, but then resuscitated. This leaves him damned in the eyes of God, having committed the deadly sin of suicide. In a quest for redemption of the highest order, Constantine spends his time banishing demons back to the plane of Hell to make the world a better place and find himself in Heaven as a reward.

During the normal course of business, he stumbles across a full-blooded demon trying to gain entry into the human world, which is apparently not allowed. After investigating with his cab-driver sidekick and a couple of twitchy contacts, he uncovers a plot to use the blood of a human psychic to attempt to break the bonds holding the demons in Hell. The son of the Devil, Mammon, wishes to manifest himself on Earth and create his own kingdom here. Constantine sets out to stop him.

Cast

Keanu Reeves, you are the bane of the film industry. Other big names grace the screen in this movie, though few of them add anything beneficial to it at all. Rachel Weisz is on screen a lot. You all remember her, right? And of course, the whiny Shia LaBeouf shows up a few times as the shitty sidekick. Although, I gotta say, Gavin Rossdale is pretty badass as a slick half-demon mastermind.

Weskimo’s Take

This movie is awful. It’s hard to even describe how dumb this movie is. After you sift through all the religious rhetoric being tossed around, you are left with absolutely nothing. Lackluster acting and a weak story combine to give birth to this atrocity of a movie.

Keanu Reeves plays a chain-smoking, demon-exorcist, who is terminally ill from the chain-smoking, trying to buy his way into Heaven by doing good things, but because it’s a selfish reason, Heaven gives him a big “Thanks anyway, but fuck you.” However, it’s this damned soul who is apparently God’s only champion on Earth with a clue. Right. This movie might as well have been the Matrix for all the sense it makes. He slits his wrists, and time stops? What the ever-loving crap is that about? He must be The One or something. Jesus.

Rachel Weisz, who I have to admit I don’t mind looking at, didn’t add anything useful to the movie. She had a couple of bad dreams, then got kidnapped and drowned in a bathtub. Twice. And I seriously spent the whole movie expecting freaking Brendan Fraser to run in and save her from the scary decomposing monsters. Shia LaBeouf makes his usual attempts to be useful or funny and really accomplishes nothing throughout.

It seemed like the movie was trying very hard to either impress or scare us with all of its special effects, but ended up doing neither. A demon made of shifting bugs attacks Constantine once, and otherwise there are some glowing eyes and some dead-looking humanoids we call demons which turn to ash when Neo, I mean Constantine, looks at them wrong. Oh, and some lights go out. That’s about it.

This movie was a giant Heaven-Hell circle-jerk. There are rules flying all over the place, different types of demons coming and going that nobody bothers to explain, and a couple of silly psychic humans. I wish I had a dollar for every minute this movie sucked, because I would have $121 dollars right now. Congratulations Warner Bros. You’ve managed to make a movie about redemption with no redeeming qualities.

Scoring