A nice thing for your ears.

Listen via iTunes – Download MP3

On this month’s episode of ShufflingDeadCast, we premier our new podcast, Radio Splode!

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIO.

Plot: Riker, Data, and Yar head down to a soundstage in the process of investigating the mysterious disappearance of a starship. Riker soon finds the captain, or supposed captain, of this vessel, whose name I think is Pockmarked Ugly Face. Ugly Face turns out to be a projection created by a weapons system which was once being sold by the inhabitants of the soundstage. Picard and Crusher join the away team only to be trapped in a cave together, where their characters are conveniently given something to do.

Character Development: In this episode, the three highest ranking officers of the Enterprise beam down to planet Minos and are subsequently stranded, leaving Geordi La Forge in charge. Geordi is given an opportunity to be confident and prove the worth of his ongoing existence.

Also, Picard and Dr. Crusher are shoved into a cave together to chat it up, thus teasing the audience with the potential for romance that will fail to materialize.

Forehead of the Week: This honour has to go to the great Minosians, who invented an automated weapon system so powerful it destroyed them as its sales pitch. I think all the Darwin Awards were given to them after that, forever.

Memorable Quote: “At your service, captain.” – Data, upon leaping nearly 12 meters and landing his hulking mechanical body dangerously close to an already wounded Dr. Crusher

Our old pals (read:me) at Splodinator.com are running an exciting contest for 2000 Nintendo Points. See video above for all the details.

Ka-pow!

With the E3 rush over with, I’m free to hop back aboard the ShufflingDead pain train for the occasional update. To begin with, I wanted to catch up our wandering readers over here with the latest from Splodinator, the glorious gaming site I’ve been pounding away on for the last three months.

You might be interested in my comprehensive report of Nintendo’s upcoming system, the Wii U. If that tickles your raging fancy, then maybe all of our other E3 coverage will too.

Also worthy of your eyes: the ten most memorable moments of E3s past.

Over at Splodinator I’ve reviewed Donkey Kong Country Returns and GoldenEye 007 for Wii, as well as the movies Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within and The Wizard.

Perhaps most excitingly, the Definitive 50 SNES games video series barrels onward. Find out what took 10th place right here.

If you miss ShufflingDeadCast, the ShufflingDead.com podcast, then you’ll be happy to know we’ve rebooted the show as Radio Splode. Listen to it with your ears today!

Image: Old Spice.

Image: Gaumont Film Company.

Folks, this is seemingly the war that will never end. Spock, Old Spice Guy, Korben Dallas, and Yoda have fought mightily for a week now, and at the end of things, two have ended up in a tie.

That leaves us with a single-day, no-holds-barred, winner-takes-all death-match between the likes of Old Spice Guy and Korben Dallas.

Now for wrath, now for ruin, and the red dawn!

Image: Old Spice.

Cock Wars 2011: Return of the Johnson began humbly. In the Alpha Quadrant, Jack Sparrow took down the Pikmin 12-6, Tesla beat out Felicia Day 11-6, Princess Leia triumphed over the Merfolk of the Pearl Trident 10-5, and Barney Stinson shot past Chewbacca 9-6.

It wasn’t until the Beta Quadrant polls were posted that it became apparent this would be a different kind of year. Rather than a tight race to the finish, we were about to watch a coronation. In round 7, Old Spice Guy blew out next-closest-competitor Luke Skywalker 15-4. When most winners were doubling their closest opponent’s tallies, he was almost quadrupling his.

The Old Spice Guy witnessed tighter competition in the second round. He managed 9 votes to Edward Norton’s 4, Charlie Sheen’s 3, and Lando Calrissian’s 3.

In the final battle, Old Spice guy faced competition who, for anyone else, would have been formidable: Abraham Lincoln, Princess Leia, and Sheldon Cooper. They all paled in might however, and were easily defeated. Lincoln took 4 votes back to the White House, Leia flew 2 back to Alderaan, and Cooper snatched 2 for the lab. Old Spice Guy, meanwhile, scored 11 points to decorate his shower with.

This won’t be the last of Old Spice Guy. Join him, Lincoln, and 14 other favourites from the history of Cock Wars beginning this Wednesday, May 18th when we kick off Cock Wars: The Blown Wars. This will be a two week contest between the greatest heroes in Cock Wars history, celebrating the conclusion of this magical 6 year journey. The top two from each year of Cock will be there, plus three very special previously disqualified candidates, and one rather purple dark horse from the mists of the past.

At “long” last, the trailer for Star Trek: The Next Generation: A XXX Parody is finally here!

Check out your favourite TNG characters “engaging” in adventures of both the science-fiction and sexual varieties. The plot fits in with the actual show, and the writing doesn’t seem much worse than some of its poorer episodes.

The special effects, in particular, are something to behold. They look better than the actual show. The actors look reasonably well cast as well, although Riker seems to have shaved down to just the goatee (maybe it’s really Thomas Riker).

The film will be “released” May 5th.

A nice thing for your ears.

Listen via iTunes – Download MP3

On this month’s episode of ShufflingDeadCast, we take a look at the launch of Splodinator.com, Cock Wars 2011, some of GoldenEye‘s finest moments, and, oh yeah, those Project Café Wii successor rumours.

You can now subscribe to our podcast via iTunes by clicking the link above. Be sure to give us your feedback and questions at hosts@shufflingdead.com.

Articles Discussed:

Cock Wars 2011: Return of the Johnson Nomination Request and FAQ
Project Café: The Comprehensive Report
10 Reasons Why the Original GoldenEye Still Kicks Ass, Part 1
10 Reasons Why the Original GoldenEye Still Kicks Ass, Part 2
Remembering the DS: Part 1, The Phat

Donkey Kong (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Donkey Kong is a massive gorilla with two interests: bananas and women. His adventures related to those two things fuel the joy of humanity. Once, long ago, the 800 pound behemoth kidnapped a young woman named Pauline. A stout plumber named Mario was forced to come to her rescue, and thus modern video games were born. More recently, Kong has repeatedly had his banana horde stolen by various evil animal forces, giving an excuse for much joyous platforming to be had.

Mega Man (Newbs)

Image: Capcom.

Description: Mega Man is an android of moderate strength who frequently (very frequently) builds himself into a state of astounding power through the harvest of upgrades from various robotic threats. Mega Man began life as a mere android before being converted into a fighting robot for the purpose of defeating the evil Dr. Wily’s nefarious machinations.

Abraham Lincoln (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: “Honest” Abe Lincoln was the sixteenth president and he engaged in the ultimate pissing contest with Jefferson Davis. As a child he grew up in the raw frontier of America learning hard work and self sufficiency, his log splitting abilities are legendary. Abe was a Captain of militia during the Black Hawk War, he said they “lost more blood to mosquitoes than Indians” Despite this poor showing he was soon the president of a country at war with itself. As Commander in Chief he walked a fine line between trampling the rights of all Americans and ending the institution of slavery in America. He was able to keep a large and well supplied army in the field long enough for a General to figure out what to do with it.

Quote: Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.

Emperor Palpatine (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Emperor Palpatine, also known as Darth Sidious, is an especially devious Dark Lord of the Sith who manipulated his way through the ranks of the Republic and was ultimately elected President. From that position, he was able to orchestrate a manufactured war with a manufactured threat and convince the senate to appoint him Emperor.

As Emperor, Palpatine ruled with viciousness and malice, caring for nothing but his own power. Palpatine dissolved the Imperial Senate and believed he could maintain control through fear alone. It was a good plan, and he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling rebels. The Emperor had no issue with annihilating entire planets in order to keep his Empire under control.

Palpatine’s force powers were likely the greatest of the modern era. He concealed the fact that he was a Dark Lord from the entire Jedi order during his rise to power, and defeated Yoda himself in a lightsaber duel.

Garak (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Origin: If you ask you’ll get a different answer.

Notable contribution: Garak is possibly one of the most influential individuals of DS9. At first seeming just a simple tailor, rumours of his rather important past would occasionally pop up. Eventually he was revealed to be the son and protégé of Enabran Tain, the head of the Obsidian Order. Forced into exile he had a brief relationship with Gul Dukat’s daughter. Then during the Dominion war, at the behest of Sisko, he assassinated a Romulan Senator to make sure the Romulans would not join with the Dominion. This action helped Starfleet to win the Dominion war.

Questions: Would you have lunch with him?

Death: Classified.

Quote: The truth is usually just an excuse for lack of imagination.

Dexter Morgan (Weskimo)

Image: Showtime.

Description: Dexter Morgan is a sociopath with an undeniable need to kill. He needs to feel those last shuddering breaths of his victims, see that shocked look in their eyes, and bear witness to their sudden violent demise. But Dexter is no ordinary serial killer. He may have no conscience, he may have very little in the way of humanity, but he possesses an extremely strong survival instinct, and so follows his Code for choosing victims as an integral part in never getting caught.

The differences in Dexter’s mind were quickly recognized by his foster father, a police officer frustrated at watching the law protect the guilty and the guilty walk free. And so, he curbed Dexter’s need towards fulfilling a purpose: Justice. Dexter’s Code forces him to hunt and kill only those he can prove are guilty of murder themselves. All his life, Dexter has honed his skills to be the most capable killer he could be, taking courses in advanced jiu-jitsu to better subdue his targets and even working as a forensics analyst for the police.

Efficient, deadly, and exceptionally good at cleaning up after himself, Dexter’s victims never see his attacks coming. He, however, will take some time to discuss the crimes of the accused with them after they have been restrained. His Kill Rooms are designed to have significance, meaning. He uses the backdrop to highlight to his prey the reason they have been chosen and remind them that they brought their deaths upon themselves.

What Others Are Saying: “You give me the fucking creeps, you know that Dexter?” – Sergeant Doakes

Special Moves: Murder, pretending to not be a murderer.

Dr. Cal Lightman (BloodLark)

Image: Fox.

Origin: A Brit

Notable contribution: Dr.Lighman is a rather large arsehole who is an expert at reading people’s body language. Specifically he excels in reading the micro expressions of someone’s face. It is thought these expressions reveal what you are truly thinking. Cal uses this ability to aid clients, solve crimes, and torment his employees.

Questions: Would you want someone to read your face?

Death: Bloody hell not yet.

Quote: Truth or happiness. Never both.

Queen Amidala (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Queen Padmé Amidala was a strong proponent of democracy during her position as senator for Naboo (how a queen can be in favour of democracy, I have no idea). During this time she was foolishly seduced by rape-face Anakin Skywalker who won her over by telling her she was better than sand.

Amidala died of grief (as happens so often to women in fiction I’ve discovered) shortly after the rise of Emperor Palpatine. She just managed to pump out two kids with Anakin though, whose names are Luke and Leia. They ultimately proved that their mother’s life was not a total waste.

Battle cry: “I will sign no treaty, Senator.”

Scarlett Johansson (Newbs)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Scarlett Johansson is an accomplished American actor who has appeared in two of my favourite movies: Ghost World and Lost in Translation. When she’s not appearing in beautifully melancholy films, she likes to be a political and anti-poverty activist.

ScarJo’s other interests include singing and twice-annual HIV tests.

Toucan Sam (Weskimo)

Image: Kellogg's.

Famous lines: “Follow your nose!”

Éowyn (Newbs)

Image: New Line Cinema.

Description: Éowyn is the niece of King Théoden and a shieldmaiden of Rohan. She grew depressed following her father’s death at the hand of orcs, and her mother’s subsequent death-by-grief. As Éowyn is female and a member of nobility, she was unable to avenge these deaths for a long time, forced instead to look after her sickly uncle while being stalked by the woefully unattractive Gríma Wormtongue.

Eventually, Rohan was able to cast out the evil influence of Saruman, and with it her uncle’s illness. Rohan ultimately went to war against the dark forces of Sauron, where Éowyn herself was able to sneak into battle. Tag-teaming with Merry, Éowyn was able to take down the Witch King of Angmar himself, of whom it was said no man could kill.

Battle cry: “I am no man.”

Gary Oldman (BloodLark)

Image: IMG_5478. CC-BY.

Origin: Born 1958 in Britain.

Notable contribution: He is one of the greatest and easily transformed actors. He is the actor that half the time you don’t even realize it’s him. He’s played characters in movies such as The Fifth Element, Air Force One, Hannibal, Harry Potter, and newest Batman movies. Every one of us will always remember him as Zorg, and the youngsters will remember him as Sirius Black. Seeing his name in the credits of any movie almost guarantees an incredible film. P.S. he was married to Uma Thurman for a while, weird.

Questions: Zorg or Sirius?

Death: Nope.

Quote: “Any actor who tells you that they have become the people they play, unless they’re clearly diagnosed as a schizophrenic, is bullshitting you.”

Scryb Sprites (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Description: The Scryb are a tribe of Faeries that lurk in Dominaria’a forests, waiting. Just waiting. Sure, they are often seen flitting about, frolicking amongst the trees and leaves, but don’t be fooled. They’re just waiting for you. Yes, you. Don’t stop and gawk at their miniature motions. Don’t linger over their antics. They’re out to hurt you. For one damage. The funnier you think they are, the more they want to hurt you. So just keep on walking. That’s right. Don’t look at them. They’ll get you if you look at them.

Special Move: Throwing berries

Alice (Newbs)

Image: Screen Gems.

Description: Alice’s early career was spent working as a security officer for Umbrella Corporation. It was there that she was left to combat the rampaging hordes of zombies created by the company’s weapons experiments. Alice went on to bond with the T-Virus, growing vastly in power.

Following the destruction of humanity by Umbrella’s T-Virus, Alice went on to lead a rag-tag bunch of survivors against Umbrella’s ongoing nefarious plots while battling a never-ending supply of zombies and super-zombies.

Hercules (BloodLark)

Image: Public domain.

Origin: Son of Zeus and the mortal Alcmene.

Notable contribution: He Completed the Twelve Labours set by Eurystheus, joined with the Argonauts to get the Golden Fleece, and freed Prometheus. Throughout his life he had to contend with his Hera, she was just a bit pissed at Zeus’ infidelities. When given the option of a pleasant/easy life or a severe/glorious one he chose glory and definitely lived up to it.

Questions: Tate Donovan or Kevin Sorbo?

Death: Hercules voluntarily had himself burned on a pyre while still alive. The fire consumed his mortal flesh and with that loss he became a true god.

Quote: Once you have harpies you can’t get rid of them.

Steven Spielberg (MerrGe)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Undoubtedly one of the most influential film personalities in history, Steven Spielberg is perhaps Hollywood’s best known director and one of the wealthiest filmmakers in the world. Spielberg has countless big-grossing, critically acclaimed credits to his name, as producer, director and writer. Nominated for 6 Academy Awards for best director, and another 6 for best picture, as well as 10 Golden Glode nominations for best director, and another 3 for best picture. But I think his work really speaks for itself.

Some highlights include work on Indiana Jones (all of them), Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Back to the Future (all of them), Jurassic Park (all of them), Men in Black (both), Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Schindler’s List (which he apparently asked not to be paid for), Memoirs of a Geisha, Twister, Gremlins, Saving Private Ryan, and Transformers (but we can forgive him for that one). His work also includes family fair like Balto, Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain, Batteries Not Included, An American Tail (and Fieval Goes West), Hook, ET, and The Land Before Time.

I mean really, what more do you want from one man?

The Dude (Newbs)

Image: Universal Studios.

Description: Put simply, The Dude abides. Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski is a skilled bowler, and an even finer slacker. His laid-back attitude towards life has helped him endure hardships like the ruination of his rug, the death of his close friend, and involvement in a complex embezzlement scheme.

The Dude’s legacy lives on in the religion which his life inspired, known as Dudeism.

Battle cry: “Well that’s just, like, uhh… your opinion, man.”

Saruman (Newbs)

Image: New Line Cinema.

Description: Saruman the White came to Middle-earth as the head of Istari, a group of five wizards sent by the Valar to combat Sauron. Of the five, four failed in their tasks, but perhaps none harder than Saruman. Instead of screwing off like the blue wizards, or playing with animals like the brown wizard, Saruman actually teamed up with Sauron to really screw with The Fellowship and its allies.

What others are saying: “Tell me, ‘friend,’ when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?” – Gandalf

Starscream (Weskimo)

Image: Hasbro.

Description: Starscream is Megatron’s right hand man and arguably the second most powerful Decepticon in operation. He fiercely subscribes to the rule of “survival of the fittest” and is one damn highly ambitious alien robot.

Constantly looking for an angle to wrest control of the Decepticon forces from Megatron’s clutches, he also possesses an intense hatred for the Autobots and their allies, and uses that hatred to fuel his attacks upon them. Transforming into a fighter jet, he rains spite-charged rage upon his foes, delivering a destruction entreé with a side of cruelty to any in his bombing run’s path.

C-3P0 & R2D2 (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Of the many famous tag-teams in cinema history, perhaps none stand taller than the whining C-3P0 and his robust little companion R2-D2. C-3P0 began life as an engineering experiment by the eventual Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. R2-D2 started out as a Naboo defense forces astromech droid, but went on to carry the designs of the Death Star within his rusty innards, a role which eventually became vital to the defeat of the Empire.

What others are saying: “Never tell me the odds!” – Han Solo

Count Chocula (Weskimo)

Image: General Mills

Description: Everyone’s favorite chocolate-loving vampire, Count Chocula, ruled the General Mills cereal lineup with an iron-bucktoothed-grin for the better part of two decades.

This guy had cereal mascotting down to a damn science. Monster: check. Sugary delicious cereal: check. Cult appeal: check. The man even got the Jewish communities up in arms over a medallion on the box that supposedly resembled the Star of David, so religious controversy: check. This prick was the original pop culture vampire, he didn’t need to be a sparkly pedophile vampire to get chicks, he stuck with the tried and true method of chocolate. It’s rumored he keeps a Toblerone in his pocket, if you know what I mean…

Famous Lines: “I vant to eat your cereal”

What others are saying: “Who the fuck is Count Chocula?”

Andrew Jackson (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Old Hickory was born in 1767 three weeks after his father died. His miserable childhood during the American revolution also featured the death of his two brothers and mother all in war related deaths. After being captured by the British he refused to polish an officers boots and was slashed at with a sword leaving him scarred for life.

For some reason little Andy grew up hating the British with a passion. During (technically it was just after) the war of 1812 the future 7th president of the United States kicked British ass so hard they never dared fight us in a war ever again. A few years later, after being ordered to fight Seminole Indians in Georgia he “accidentally” took Florida from the Spanish.

Jackson was not only a brilliant general but he was also a barroom brawler and duelist. He killed a dozen or so (records are incomplete) men that way. He won the plurality of votes for president in 1824 however his congressional enemies gave the top slot to the son of a former president (seems that some things never change). Instead of pouting and growing a beard Jackson fought back and took what was rightfully his four years later.

Bonus stats: +5 vrs. Britons. +3 duelist.

Joanna Dark (Newbs)

Image: Rare/Microsoft.

Description: Carrington Institute Agent Joanna Dark is a force to be reckoned with for any unnamed corporate henchman. Her work against the dataDyne corporation and its concerning conspiracies with alien forces has earned her a worthy reputation as mass-murderer.

Special moves: Circle-strafing with pistols in Felicity.

What others are saying: “Goodnight, Ms. Dark.” – Cassandra De Vries

Natalie Portman (Newbs)

Image: Natalie Portman. CC-BY-SA.

Description: Natalie Portman is a famed American/Israeli actor who has gained reputations for: being hot, being a terrible actor in Star Wars, being a decent actor in other things, and frequently using an awful fake English accent.

Natalie’s big screen debut came in the 1994 film Léon, which everyone should see because it is awesome.

Battle cry: “I will sign no treaty, Senator.”

Famous lines: “To drink and fight… to fuck all night.” – Natalie on SNL.

Sheldon Cooper (Weskimo)

Image: CBS.

Description: Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, B.S, M.S, M.A, Ph.D, Sc.D, is possibly the smartest man ever fictionally created. Armed with a fully eidetic memory, a healthy distaste for human contact, and an undeniable sense of self-worth, Shelldor, level 85 Blood Elf, dominates his small social group with his intelligence and unassailable stubbornness. It’s often questioned why the group lets him get his way but the consensus is that it would be more work than it’s actually worth to argue with him.

Sheldon’s extremely high IQ of 187 leads him to lead an exceptionally logical, though egocentric, life. Despite this, his complete social ineptitude and tendency to bluntly speak his mind often get him into disagreements with friends, family, and the service industry. He also possesses any number of strange personal idiosyncrasies that leave him in conflict with the rest of the human world. These include germophobia, an obsessive attachment to routines, and a barely functional understanding of sarcasm, irony, or basic human emotion.

All of that being said, Sheldon’s not crazy; his mother had him tested.

Likes: The Comic Book Store. Spock. Trains.

Dislikes: Being interrupted or ignored. Friends bickering. Wil Wheaton.

Famous Lines: “That’s my spot.” “In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it’s directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.”
“Oh, Mario. How I wish I could control everyone the way I can with you… Hop, you little plumber! Hop, hop, hop!” “Bazinga!”

Mountain Goat (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Description: The Mountain Goat’s power among 5th Edition Magic: the Gathering is legendary. He goes where he will, hits who he will, and delivers righteous horny thunder on unsuspecting opponents.

He doesn’t need sharp teeth, he doesn’t need battlefield dominating abilities, and he sure as hell doesn’t need your other bullshit creatures crowding him. Let the Goat do his damn thing and mountainwalk all over the fucking place.

Peter Jackson (MerrGe)

Image: Peter Jackson's Facebook page.

Description: One of only 7 directors who have won Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Screenplay (Orig/Adapted) for the same film. Formerly known for directing a bunch of horror movies, but all you really need to know is that he is responsible for the three Lord of the Rings movies. I mean really, what more do you want?

Special move: Losing 50 pounds

Quotes: “Don’t worry. Gollum isn’t going to be another Jar Jar Binks.”

What others are saying: “I always trusted him. If there was a way that I had seen something and he had seen it differently, I would… trust his vision. We were in brilliant hands.” – Elijah Wood

Pikachu (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Among the literally hundreds of Pokémon species which exist, the Pikachu has risen to be the most well known, and among the millions of Pikachus, the one known as “Pikachu,” whose master is Ash Ketchum, has become the lone animal in the universe most desired by Team Rocket.

All of this is for good reason. The thousands of hours of anime which Pikachu has starred in demonstrate that he is of a level beyond the cap. His electrical blasting powers are above those that maxed-out stats should allow.

Battle cry: “Piiikaaaaaachuuuuuuuuuu!”

Boba Fett (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Boba Fett had a hard childhood. He is a clone who was raised by Jango Fett as a son. This sole source of positive emotional connection was ended by the loose canon Mace Windu during the Clone Wars when Boba was still a child, a murder by decapitation which Boba witnessed firsthand. Fett went on to be a fearsome bounty hunter himself, tracking the Millennium Falcon for the Empire and later taking the frozen-in-carbonite Han Solo to Jabba the Hutt to collect a bounty.

Odo (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Origin: As a young Changeling he was shot out into space, he was then discovered in 2337.

Notable Contribution: Being a Changeling, one of Odo’s favourite pastimes is shifting into different objects, creatures, and surfaces. Every 16 hours Odo must return to his liquid state and prefers to relax in his bucket. As Chief of Security both under the Cardassian Occupation and Federation administration Odo is well known for being reliable and very good at his job. Odo has a long-time rival in Quark, the fact that Odo knows that Quark is always up to something is part of what makes Quark a good source of criminal information. Odo had a fairly active love life, he married Lwaxana Troi, had a fling with a female shape shifter, and had a long time crush but short time relationship with Kira NeNerys.

Questions: Just exactly how well can he shift (if you know what I mean)?

Death: Returned to the Great Link in 2375

Quote: “Laws change depending on who’s making them, but justice is justice.”

Richard Castle (BloodLark)

Image: ABC.

Notable Contribution: Writing such wonderful books as Storm Rising and Storm’s Break. He has been recently working on books starring his inspired character Nicky Heat. While having a teenage daughter and two previous marriages, Castle is still quite the lady’s man. He also tends to still have flings with his first ex-wife, whom he refers to as a “deep fried Twinkie.” Castle got permission to work with the police to help inspire his next set of novels. At first Beckett resents this paring but over time grows to appreciate Castle’s inventive and unusual way at looking at murders.

Questions: Has anyone read Heat Wave?

Death: To be determined

Quote: Did you know in the original Greek, “tragedy” literally means “goat song”? I know, doesn’t make any sense to me either, but whatever that first story was, I can’t help but think, bad things must have happened to that goat…

Ralph Fiennes (BloodLark)

Image: Ralph Fiennes. CC-BY-SA.

Origin: Born 1962.

Notable Contribution: Been in fantastic and critically acclaimed movies like Schindler’s List, The English Patient, Red Dragon, and the Harry Potter series. He has also been in a couple bombs like The Avengers and Maid in Manhattan. He is well known for playing deep characters. Unfortunately, while he has been nominated several times he has yet to win an Academy Award.

Questions: What will he do after Harry Potter?

Death: Yay not yet!

Quote: “I’m sure acting is a deeply neurotic thing to do.”

Ka-pow!

Some of you more loyal readers may be wondering “what the hell is going on with ShufflingDead? Why is the site updated 5 times a week instead of 20? Where is the Definitive 50???”

The answers to all those questions lay here, at Splodinator.com. That’s the name of the new site we’ve been developing over the past several weeks.

Put simply, Splodinator is a video game news and opinion website. It’s fun, chill, and non-crazy. We’re rebuilding the Definitive 50 there, and bringing over a few of the suitable articles from ShufflingDead history that fit the theme.

That’s not to say there isn’t new, highly awesome content at Splodinator already, either! Check out my reviews of Donkey Kong Country Returns and Yoshi’s Island DS. Early news stories include: Executive smackdown: Peter Vesterbacka vs. Satoru Iwata and Rumour: Ace Attorney Investigations 2 not getting western release.

Come on, subscribe to the RSS feed, fan the Facebook page! Join the Splodinator revolution!

So what brought this about? ShufflingDead is nearing its 10 year anniversary. That’s something I’m truly proud to say, as 10 years is a long time indeed for a website to survive. 10 years is also a long time to work on the same site, especially one so unfocused, and one you developed as a teenager. Frankly, I feel it’s time to (mostly) move on from this site. ShufflingDead will still shuffle a little, with certain features continuing, it’s just moving into semi-retirement.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIO

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, we are treated to a reasonably well written story with actual character development.

Plot: The Enterprise is called to the aid of a starship adrift in the neutral zone. Life signs are detected on board, and so a small away team is sent over to investigate. Geordi is given the chance to test out a “visual acuity transmitter” for his VISOR, which allows the bridge to see what Geordi sees. It turns out Geordi’s life is a non-stop acid trip in which light and shapes constantly flicker around him in a disorienting fashion. Oh yeah, and some Klingons are rescued. They come on board and mess with Worf’s head.

Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Worf is an actual character with an actual back story. He was rescued by a Starfleet officer and grew up as the adopted child of humans.

Forehead of the Week: There is no doubt that this honour should go to the mighy Klingons themselves. In this episode, we learn of their shouting-session as death ritual. We also get a chance to gain insight into the political discomfort some citizens of the Empire have with peace with the Federation.

Memorable Quote: “It is only a empty shell now, please treat it as such.” – A Klingon logically describing a dead body.

Quark (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Notable Contribution: Running the wonderful bar on DS9. Quark and Odo have an interesting adversarial friendship. Quark is always trying to pull off illegal get rich schemes and Odo tries to catch him. Quarks unusual loyalty and caring interferes with his profits. He has been known to pass up opportunities to save family. This trait is also why he is not in jail. It is better to have a thief you “trust” than one you can’t. He is also known for living religiously by the Rules of Acquisition.

Death: Data not found.

Quote: “The speed of technological advancement isn’t nearly as important as short term quarterly gains.”

Luke Skywalker (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Luke grew up knowing precious little about his family heritage. His father was Anakin Skywalker, who later became Darth Vader, pretty much the meanest dude in the galaxy. Once Luke met up with Vader’s old master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, things began to come together for him. He was able to shake out the infamous sand of his home planet and smack the Empire, along with his father, down all while becoming a Jedi.

Special moves: Switching off his targeting computer.

Old Spice Guy (MerrGe)

Image: Old Spice.

Description: “Hello, voters. Look at my competitors, now back to me, now back at my competitors, now back to me. Sadly, they aren’t me, but that’s all right because you can still vote for me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in front of a computer deciding between me and and some people who aren’t me. What’s in your hand? Back to me. It’s a mouse. You can use it to click and vote for me. Scroll up! Back down! Did you vote for me? You should. Why? Because I smell like Old Spice and I’m riding on a horse that’s made of diamonds.”

Special Moves: Smelling fantastic and doing the impossible

Battle Cry: “Swan Dive!”

Thomas Edison (BloodLark)

Image: Public domain.

Notable Contribution: Because he worked with telegraphs he nicknamed his first two kids Dot and Dash. He did invent things like the carbon microphone transmitter, the stock ticker, and the kinetoscope. He also designed the first commercial fluoroscope. Unfortunately, his first willing human guinea pig died from a lethal dose of radiation. He fortunately lost the “War of the Currents” to Tesla.

Questions: Do you know which invention Edison only bought the patents for and didn’t do himself?

Death: Died October 18th 1931 from diabetes.

Quote: “Anything that won’t sell, I don’t want to invent. Its sale is proof of utility, and utility is success.”

Neo (Newbs)

Image: The Matrix Reloaded poster. Warner Bros.

Description: Put simply, Neo is the one. He is the human embodiment of Keanu Reeves, as well as humanity’s hope for the future.

Neo may have started out as hacker slacker Mr. Anderson, but following his encounters with Trinity and Morpheus, he rapidly developed into the machine melting destroyer of the Matrix.

Special moves: Bullet time.

Battle cry: “Whoah.”

James Cameron (BloodLark)

Image: ETalk2008-James Cameron. CC-BY license.

Notable Contribution: Cameron made the two highest grossing films of all time. His touch is movie gold. He also made Terminator, Rambo 2, Aliens, The Abyss, Terminator 2, True Lies, Titanic, and Avatar. Dear god this man has made so many sweet films. He is known for his temper and is notoriously difficult to work under.

Questions: Why are all his highest grossing films the worst written?

Death: Not there yet.

Quote: “People call me a perfectionist, but I’m not. I am a rightest. I do something until it is right, and then I move on to the next thing.”

Elrond (Newbs)

Image: Lord of the Rings. New Line Cinema.

Description: Elrond is the Lord of Rivendell, a position which puts him into a class of “mighty rulers of old that remained in Middle-earth in its Third Age” according to Wikipedia. He’s also over 6000 years old.

Elrond has seen some shit. He attended the Siege of Barad-dûr where Sauron was defeated and the One Ring was walked away with, much to his annoyance.

Special moves: Chillin’ with Bilbo.

Edward Norton (BloodLark)

Image: Ednortongfdl. CC-BY-SA.

Notable Contribution: Being a kick ass actor in movies like The Score, Fight Club, American History X, and The Illusionist. While he has been nominated for several awards for his acting he has never won an Oscar. Norton has been interested in acting from a very young age. He is willing to put in a lot of effort for a role; he put on 30lb of muscle for American History X.

Questions: How long did it take you to figure out his character in The Score?

Death: No death.

Quote: “Fame is very corrosive and you have to guard strictly against it.”

Charlie Sheen (MerrGe)

Image:CharlieSheenMarch2009. CC-BY-SA.

Description: Winning.

Memorable Quotes: “I got tiger blood, man.” “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitchin’, a total freakin’ rock star from Mars.” “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there. Now what?” “I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.” “That’s how I roll. And if it’s too gnarly for people, then buh-bye.” “I probably took more drugs than anyone could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.” “People are mystified by this odyssey that refuses to quit calling itself Charlie Sheen.” “I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.” “It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because I don’t have time for these clowns.” “I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”

Bumblebee (Weskimo)

Image: Bumblebee. Hasbro.

After the Decepticons all but took over Cybertron and the Autobots were down to resistance movement-type fighting, Bumblebee was among the first team of Autobots sent to Earth to secure a source of Energon. Standing 15 feet tall and weighing in at innumerable tons of space-metal car, this yellow robot can freaking rock the house.

Many of the Transformers transform into some extreme forms of overcompensating cock-waving. But not Bumblebee. He doesn’t need to be a fighter jet, a semi-truck, a tank, or a fucking dinosaur. This guy is a goddamn yellow Volkswagon Beetle. This is one Transformer who is comfortable with what he’s got ‘under the hood’.

Fiercely loyal and brave almost to a fault, Bumblebee continually throws himself into the fray to help his friends. He is often commissioned to play a messenger or scout role because of his relatively small size (as far as alien robots go) but you never see him running from a fight. Bumblebee’s tactics and sheer nerve have carried the Autobot forces to victory time and time again.

Christina Hendricks (Newbs)

Image: Christina Hendricks @ Serenity Premiere. CC-BY.

Description: Christina Hendricks is a famed female actor of the modern era. Her best known TV appearance is as Joan Holloway in the hit drama Mad Men. She also played the character Saffron in two episodes of Firefly which rank as some of the hottest in television history.

Special moves: Taking over the internet every time she is photographed.

What others are saying: “Titties.” – Newbs

Mons’s Goblin Raiders (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

4th Edition Magic the Gathering had no rival for the strength of the goblins. Often found hanging around with their orc cousins (remember orcs?), goblins were the backbone of any red deck, and Mons’s Goblin Raiders were the path to victory.

The fury of the goblins could not be contained by any army. There were just too many of them, and they all used goblin war drums to distract your defenders. Players the world over still wake up in cold sweats and stale fear, remembering the quaking terror they felt as they were crushed by wave after wave of 1/1 goblins.

Razor Ramon Hard Gay (sulci)

Image:Razor Ramon Hard Gay. CC-BY.

Description: Hard Gay is a tight bodied Japanese man of impressive stature. His quest is noble: to perform acts of charity. This sometimes (always) leads to awkward situations as Hard Gay’s mission for social improvement also includes his black PVC fetish getup.

Special moves: Pelvic thrusting along to the sweet rhythm of Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ la Vida Loca.”

Famous lines: “HOOOOO!,” “Say say say!”

James K. Polk (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Polk was the eleventh President of the United States and he had big brass balls the size of honeydew melons as evidenced by the fact that he survived gallstone surgery at age seventeen with nothing but a little brandy as anesthetic.

As president, Polk was ballsy enough to threaten war with England until they agreed to split the Oregon territory. Polk then annexed Texas ignoring threats from Mexico which led to the Mexican-American war and the acquisition of the California territory.

It is definitely un-pc to glorify a bloodthirsty expansionist but without him Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, Oklahoma and Louisiana would be the western border of America.

Lando Calrissian (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: This guy goes from being a politician pussy whipped by the Galactic Empire to a general in the Rebel Alliance and pilot of the Millennium Falcon during its run as Death Star destroyer in the span of a single standard year.

Special moves: Alter ego Billy Dee Williams urinating in the same bathroom as Newbs.

Famous lines: “They told me they fixed it! I trusted them to fix it! It’s not my fault!”

Samus Aran (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Samus is a bounty hunter who always seems to be on one mission or another when her ship gets blowed up and her armour suit wrecked. Then she’s on a different mission, looking for ways to juice up her suit and get the hell back to whatever she does for fun. Raising pet metroids or something.

Special moves: Screw attack.

Famous lines: Doesn’t have any.

Battle cry: Doesn’t need one.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

In this week’s episode, absolutely nothing happens of any consequence.

Plot: Two Starfleet personnel have come for a visit. They want to interrogate the entire crew of the Enterprise and probe for any flaws in Picard’s command. Remarkably, this leads to many references to previous episodes, but never degenerates into a clip show.

Meanwhile, Wesley Crusher takes the Starfleet Academy entrance exam on Relva VII. The entrance exams appear to have been stiffened up since the likes of Reg Barclay graduated. Wes must beat out three other obnoxious wunderkinds to even get in.

Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Wes is too nice for Starfleet. The examiners know he helped another student, but they reward the cheater, instead of the helpful acting ensign.

Forehead of the Week: That great honour goes to the Benzite. These fishy creatures need mysterious vapours pumped onto their faces through Neil Young’s harmonica at all times to survive.

Memorable Quote: “I failed the first time.” – Picard, revealing the entrance exam is meaningless.

Q (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Description: Introduced in the very first episode, “Encounter at Farpoint,” Q is an immortal and omnipotent alien from the race that makes up the Q Continuum.

He is the driving force behind the main story arch of Star Trek Next Generation. His humour and mischief brought about some of the most comical and memorable moments across three difference series of Star Trek. He once gave Riker the power of a Q and romantically pursued Janeway in Voyager.

Questions: What exactly is a Q?

Death: None, he’s immortal.

Quote: “He’s devious and amoral and unreliable and irresponsible and… and definitely not to be trusted.” Captain Jean-Luc Picard

George Washington (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Born in Virginia in 1732 he soon grew to a towering six foot two giant of a man in the day when five foot nine was considered tall. He survived a life and death struggle with the smallpox virus at age nineteen and went on to fight the French in the French and Indian war at the age of Twenty-two. During this time he learned the arts of war, leadership, bravery and persistence.

In 1775 he was appointed commander in chief of the continental army. He took the position knowing that the revolution was almost certainly doomed to failure and failure would mean disaster for him and his family. Washington lost many battles against the larger and better trained and equipped British army yet never surrendered and kept his army in the field until final victory in 1783. He then did the unthinkable by refusing the offered crown as George the First of America.

As the father of a country his cock must be totally awesome.

Barney Stinson (Weskimo)

Image: CBS.

What can you really say about Barney Stinson? He’s everything a man should be. He drinks every day, he sleeps three hours every night, and he has multiple sex partners. He’s doing everything right! Barney lives his life by the oldest and most sacred Code of all: The Bro Code. A strict Code dedicated to helping out other bros through thick and thin…unless, you know, he has got something going on at the time. The other bro can probably handle it.

Barney is famous for his mysterious corporate job, his totally awesome suits, and his almost inhuman skill at laser tag. But perhaps his most colossal accomplishment is the creation of “The Playbook”, a book where he has documented all of the “Plays” that bros can use pick up chicks. Some of the gems of this text include the “He’s Not Coming,” the “Ted Mosby,” and the incredibly involved “Scubadiver. ” Did you know he also doesn’t get sick? That’s right. Whenever he starts to feel sick, he just stops being sick and is awesome instead. True story.

Famous Lines: “Legen-wait for it…DARY!,” “Challenge accepted!,” “Haaaaaaaave you met Ted?,” “What UP!”

Battle Cry: “Suit up!”

Special Moves: Suiting up. Being awesome. Having had more than 200 sexual partners. High fives.

Chewbacca a.k.a. “Chewie” (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Chewbacca is the heroic co-pilot of the Millennium Falcon. His travels with infamous smuggler, Han Solo are the stuff of hairy legend. Chewie’s role in the Rebel Alliance was pivotal against the Empire. His achievements during that time include carrying C-3P0 around on his back, grunting, and commandeering an AT-ST walker.

Special moves: Violently spinning in Super Return of the Jedi.

Famous lines: “Warrrr waaaaarrrr waaaa”

What others are saying: “What a wookie!” – Supernova

Merfolk of the Pearl Trident (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

These aquatic warriors are the key to the success of any blue creature attack, flapping their fins around, waving their pointy weapons, and costing one blue mana all over the place. Don’t mess with these guys. Seriously. They’ll stick you.

Back in 1995, these guys were one of blue’s most reliable creatures. They didn’t bounce back to your hand when they actually do something, and they can attack your opponent without having to repeatedly mutate his lands into islands. These guys were the real trident-head of the assault.

What Others Are Saying: “Are merfolk humans with fins, or are humans merfolk with feet?”

Special Moves: Costing 1 blue mana. Tridenting things.

Princess Leia (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Princess Leia was instrumental in the fall of the Empire during the Galactic Civil War. She was responsible for transferring to R2-D2 the Death Star plans, allowing the rebels to exploit a weakness found within those details. Unlike her ugly-ass brother, who was raised by moisture farmers, Leia was adopted by royalty because she was blatantly the superior of the two.

Special moves: Kissing her brother.

Battle cry: “Someone get this big walking carpet out of my way!”

What others are saying: “I know.” – Han Solo

Arwen (Newbs)

Image: New Line Cinema.

Description: Arwen is the youngest, and hottest, daughter of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell. Some claim that she has the magical ability to summon a river to do her bidding and use it to sweep away nothing less than a rampaging team of Black Riders.

Less controversially, she wound up marrying the king of men at some point, and managed to live to be 2901 years of age.

Achilles (BloodLark)

Image: Dr.K. CC-BY-SA.

Description: The child of Thetis the nymph and Peleus King of the Myrmidons.

Achilles is the main character in the Iliad. Being a great warrior, he played an important role in the battle of Troy. Achilles also pissed off Apollo by defacing his temple. His legend lives on today in the idiom “Achilles Heel.”

Questions: Why didn’t his momma double dip?

Death: Killed by an arrow in the heel that was shot by Paris.

Quote:
Sing, goddess, of Achilles ruinous anger
Which brought ten thousand pains to the Achaeans,
And cast the souls of many stalwart heroes
To Hades, and their bodies to the dogs
And birds of prey

Nikola Tesla (BloodLark)

Image: Public domain.

Description: It is thought that Tesla had synaesthesia. He also had the astonishing ability to fully mentally build any of his inventions. He would never commit anything to paper before he had fully examined and proved a concept in his own mind. Tesla and Edison were adversaries since Tesla promoted AC and Edison was promoting DC. Tesla patented designs for AC motors, and things like a primitive radar device. Some of the ideas he worked on were a “death ray,” the wireless transmission of electricity, and energy shields. Tesla was definitely a man who could see well beyond the scope of his time.

Questions: What could Tesla have done if he had access to our level of technology?

Death: Died of heart failure in 1943

Quote: “I do not think there is any thrill that can go through the human heart like that felt by the inventor as he sees some creation of the brain unfolding to success… Such emotions make a man forget food, sleep, friends, love, everything.”

George Lucas (MerrGe)

Image: Wikimedia. CC-BY-SA.

Description: George Lucas is an American producer, screenwriter, director and billionaire. He has been nominated for numerous Academy Awards and has won several life time achievement awards. He has donated millions to charities and has been credited on such movies as American Graffiti, Indiana Jones, The Land Before Time (yeah, the dinosaur one), and Labyrinth. Not enough for you? Well how about this:

THIS MAN CREATED STAR WARS. The movie series that revolutionized special effects, pop culture and the entire sci fi genre. The movie series that gave birth to some of the most badass characters in movie history (the man invented Darth Vader for cryin’ out loud!). The movie series that gave us some of the most awesome and recognizable sound tracks in history (did someone say Imperial March?). The movie series that gave us The Force, lighsabers, Death Stars, and The Dark Side. The movie series that brought science fiction back to the mainstream, and revitalized the entire genre to pave the way for all the other recent science fiction movies and tv series that probably would of never seen the light of day without it. And I’m sure that everyone who saw these movies when they were young remembers watching them for the first time. So lets show a little appreciation for the man that made this all possible, shall we?

Felicia Day (Newbs)

Image: felicia.day. CC-BY.

Description: Along with being an accomplished film, television, and commercial actor, Felicia Day is an internet superstar and geek goddess. She stars in The Guild, a popular web series which she also created and writes. She also played Penny in the great internet musical, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Felcia starred in the most romantic commercial of all time.

Geoffrey Rush (BloodLark)

Image: Anthony Chu. CC-BY-SA.

Description: Currently most commonly known as Captain Barbossa from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Rush has received attention for his role in The King’s Speech. He also has had several darker roles such as Stephen Price in House on Haunted Hill and the Marque de Sade in Quills. His acting ability has been acknowledged by several awards, such as an Oscar for his role in Shine.

Questions: Where else have I seen him?

Death: Not dead yet.

Quote: “When you get to tongue kiss Kate Winslet and get paid for it, you say: I’ll sign!”

Jack Sparrow (Newbs)

Image: Walt Disney.

Description: Jack Sparrow is the grooviest pirate to ever sail the high seas of confusing plot twists and irrelevant battles. His charm and wit have propelled him into the league of super-star womanizers. Over his impressive pirating career, Sparrow has managed to rack up a 10,001 guinea bounty and membership in the exclusive Brethren Court. Sparrow’s fighting style has lead even Wikipedia to note that his weaponry consists of “anything conceivable.”

Battle cry: Savvy?

The Pikmin (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Pikmin are small, plant-like creatures which live among the other small things of the world. Pikmin live in flying onions which also protect them from night-time dangers. When organized, Pikmin are capable of complex archaeological and construction jobs. Depending upon the specific race, Pikmin are capable of many different tasks. Some can carry bomb rocks, others can survive in water, some are capable of great strength, and some are even poisonous.

Pikmin come highly recommended as support staff following a spaceship crash.

Trix Rabbit (Weskimo)

Image: General Mills.

The tricksiest rabbit of them all, the Trix Rabbit hops circles around each and every box of Trix, just waiting for some poor kid to look away from his bowl of delicious fruity cereal for a couple of seconds. This dastardly bunny disguises himself with every manner of G-rated deceit imaginable in constant attempts to confuse and confound children aged 5-12. He even went so far as to place a fake mail-in plebiscite on boxes of cereal to trick kids into voting “yes” to allow the rabbit to eat Trix.

General Mills, confused by this, but sure that it must have been authorized somewhere along the corporate conga line of decision making, awarded the incredibly clumsy rabbit with a bowl of cereal. It turns out that Trix tastes like fruity victory.

What others are saying: “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!”

Captain Falcon (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Falcon leads a double life as a bounty hunter and accomplished futuristic racer. His skin-tight blue uniform reveals a carefully sculpted raw and masculine muscle structure, with his nipples alone being the stuff of legend.

As a bounty hunter, the captain is as deadly off the tracks as he is on. His Falcon kicks and Falcon punches are understood by participants in fighting tournaments to be of special destructive power.

Battle cry: “Show me your moves!”

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

In this Star Trek episode of the week, we explore the meaning of life.

Plot: The Enterprise checks in on a terraforming colony operated by a handful of the shifty and shady. After a murder takes place on the colony by a rogue drilling laser, Data has to act fast to take the contraption down (see above). It turns out the machinery has been hijacked by a previously undetected crystalline life form.

Character Development: In this episode, Counselor Troi informs us that Director Kurt Mandl of the terraformers is nervous after he blatantly appears standoffish and, well, nervous. This is important to remember for later episodes when it becomes clear that the only interesting characteristic of Troi is her mother.

Forehead of the Week: That title goes to the unnamed crystal organism living on the supposedly dead world of Velara III. Some of the crystal is brought back to the Enterprise where it begins to reproduce. This chunk of material becomes known, insultingly, as the microbrain.

Memorable Quote: “Ugly giant bags of mostly water.” – The crystal life form in its astute assessment of the human interlopers.

Image: LiveLeak.com

This week’s interneter is the 15-year-old juggernaut, Casey Heynes. Casey’s story, really a heroes journey condensed into a brief video clip, has taken the internet like a body slam into pavement.

Casey’s problems in life echo those many of us interneters have faced. He was bullied since childhood, and things kept going in high school. Casey reports having names like “fatty” being tossed at him along with random acts of violence.

It’s Casey’s solution to those issues that make him stand out. One day, Casey had had enough. A smaller boy, Ritchard Gale, was punching and poking at Casey repeatedly when Casey finally decided to use his size to his advantage. The legend heaved Ritchard up, and upside down, then slammed him forcefully onto the hard walkway.

Since the incident, Casey has received an outpouring of positive attention from the internet and local media, but he’s been left alone at school.

Casey Heynes, ShufflingDead salutes you on behalf of the internet and all of nerdom, for you have precisely expressed our frustrated desires.

He piled upon the whale’s white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then, as if his chest had been a mortar, he burst his hot heart’s shell upon it.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

On this week’s Star Trek episode, Wesley Crusher is asked by a group of aliens to repopulate their species.

Plot: The Enterprise stumbles upon the rumoured planet of Aldea, only to find its residents are not as awesome as legend would have them believe. The Aldeans have lost the ability to reproduce, and they kidnap children from the Enterprise with the hopes of kick-starting a new generation for their planet.

Character Development: In “When the Bough Brakes,” we learn that Harry Bernard, son of Starfleet lieutenant Harry Bernard, Sr., is not a fan of calculus.

Forehead of the Week: The Aldeans of Aldea have incredible lives. Their computers do everything for them, they are hidden from the rest of the galaxy, they get to spend their time doing whatever they want, and they have absolutely no children to bother them. Aldeans have the greatest culture in Star Trek history.

Memorable Quote: “Things are only impossible until they’re not.” – Picard, being profound.

Big shout out to Rebecca Black for making this day possible. The 13 year-old YouTube sensation is variously telling us like it is, supplying the beats to help us get down, and reminding us what days make up the week.

Black’s song about the important life decisions 13 year-olds have to make such as what seat to take in a car was produced and written by Ark Music, who was paid $2000 for the honour. Her 13 million views can likely be ascribed to the very relatable struggle we all face of having to eat cereal out of a bowl.

Image: Homefront boxart. THQ.

It seems internet detectives are not the only ones who care about review scores.

THQ, the video game developer and publisher that no one can believe is still in business, took a stock market beating on Tuesday as reviews of its upcoming FPS, Homefront, turned negative.

The lower scores came out on Tuesday, while earlier (read: fanboy make-believe) reviews praised the game.

Homefront takes place in a fictional future and appears to be yet another derivative clone of Modern Warfare, judging by the 30 seconds of research I bothered to do for this piece.

Source: Gamasutra

Image: Dragon Age II boxart. EA/BioWare.

Remember when you were a child and nothing mattered more than your favourite game being better than someone else’s favourite game? Well, the nerdlingers who used to have those fights have grown up to make games of their own, and are now brawling online to ensure their work is counted as the best.

Internet detective GatoFiasco has discovered that an engineer at BioWare actually bothered to give Dragon Age II a perfect 10 on Metacritic’s user reviews. The numerical praise was accompanied with some flowery text, including:

Anything negative you’ll see about this game is an overreaction of personal preference. For what it is, it is flawlessly executed and endlessly entertaining.

A rogue employee getting a little too excited about his or her work is understandable, but EA has remarkably defended the review. The company likened the act to Obama voting for himself in an election. That comparison doesn’t quite stand up to FTC guidelines, which note that user reviews of this nature are likely to be influenced by employment and should include disclosure of the relationship to the product’s maker in order for readers to determine the credibility of the review.

Source: Kotaku

Come on, 3DS!

The NPD Group has once again given us an anorexic view of video game sales in the United States, this time for February 2011.

The three consoles all sold similarly, with the 360 kinecting with 535,000 purchasers. The Wii waggled 454,000, while the PS3 moved 403,000. In other news, my jokes are pathetic.

An absence of handheld numbers for another month probably indicates that the DS’s sales have slowed to “middling” ahead of the 3DS launch, and the PSP is languishing in defeat. Nintendo will presumably be proud enough of 3DS’s sales that we’ll get those in the months ahead.

On the software side, Call of Duty: Black Ops took top spot. The title has now moved 13.7 million units across all of its various console iterations. That’s good enough to give it the title of best selling game in the United States ever, sort of. The numbers only work if you don’t include pack-ins (Nintendo has sold 35 million Wiis in the US, and therefore 35 million copies of Wii Sports) and insist on counting the sometimes vary different versions of the game for different systems as the same thing.

Source: NeoGAF

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

This is the second episode of Star Trek in a row to offer an intriguing plot. A first for TNG.

Plot: Admiral Mark Jameson has been tapped to deal with a hostage situation on Mordan IV. He dealt with the governor there, Karnas, during a similar hostage situation 45 years ago. It turns out Jameson had gotten up to some Iran–Contra style arms-for-hostages shenanigans the last time around, and Karnas wants revenge.

Character Development: In this episode, we learn that 24th century sensibilities have trained the crew of the Enterprise to refrain from commenting on the molten-like state of Jameson’s skin. Only as he de-ages and begins to look human again does anyone complain.

Forehead of the Week: “Too Short a Season” largely revolves around the political problems of a species known as the Mordanite. They look, dress, and act exactly like humans.

Memorable Quote: “I’m fit! I’m fitter than you are Picard and I’m getting younger!” – Mark Jameson, raising hope that he and Picard may awkwardly grapple.

Image: Nintendo.

Hey folks, Newbs here. Weskimo is out for the count this week, which means his duties as Question of the Week supplier are open to be commandeered.

The all new Pokémon Black and White hit stores this week, which has got me thinking about those rascally little pocket monsters. One of the big draws of the new games is that you will not see or catch any of the Pokémon from previous generations, except (spoilers) maybe later.

I still have a strong attachment to the ‘mons of old, however, and would like to celebrate their radical greatness with this week’s poll. Tell me, who is the raddest Pokémon?

I recognize there a few more contenders than those listed, so feel free to register your favourite in the comments below if you do not agree with my nominations.

Image: Quaker.

Authority figure for generations Cap’n Crunch will no longer order children to do his nautical bidding, maybe. Word recently broke that Quaker was pulling away from marketing the crunchy stuff to kids.

Soon afterward, the world was greeted with news that the Cap’n was alive and well, sailing the high seas of the internet on Facebook and Twitter.

It’s not clear if Quaker really is easing marketing, or if this was all a hoax to promote the more internet-savvy Cap’n. Word is that the great roof-of-mouth cutter isn’t selling as well as it used to thanks to a bad reputation for containing grossly too much sugar.

Quaker may be trying to switch direction, keeping adult fans happy while not pursuing the children’s market.

Source: Life Inc., twice

Image: Star Wars Attack of the Clones. Lucasfilm.

Five years ago, I declared Cock Wars open for stupidity with the intention of running it annually for six years (based only on the fact that there are six proper Star Wars films with titles for me to parody). Well, we’re nearly there.

This is the very last year that you have to let your voices heard in the profound War of the Dicks. Post your nominations for contestants in the comments section below. Remember: no repeats from previous years allowed, and volunteering to write the description for your nomination greatly raises the chances of your competitor being accepted into the actual competition.

The first Cock Wars 2011 “polls” will open Thursday, March 31, 2011, and will run for exactly one week. This will go on every Thursday for a total of six weeks, when a champion will be declared.

That’s not all for Cock Wars this year, however, as Return of the Johnson will immediately be followed by Cock Wars: The Blown Wars. This will be a faster, 16-entrant competition featuring previous Cock Wars champions, near-champions, and disqualified candidates. After two weeks of this, an overall god will be declared, and I will at long last be freed of this childish distraction.

For the less familiar Cock Warriors, please read the FAQ which follows.

What is Cock Wars?

Cock Wars is the ultimate battle for supremacy in the universe. Competitors use their strength of dong to claim superiority over others.

How does it work?

I will post the polls on the front page of ShufflingDead, you vote for who you think is the most awesome in each, the winner moves on to the next round. Polls will run for a full week, and, until the final, four will be posted at a time.

How do I vote?

Polls will be run here on the front page of ShufflingDead. Anyone can vote, provided he or she has the coordination to select a contestant in each poll.

Who is eligible for Cock Wars 2011?

Basically any real person, fictional character, organization, or entity ever is a viable contestant. Historical figures, real or fake company mascots, real or fake companies, movie characters, comic book characters, book characters, TV show hosts, video game characters, etc. Anyone or anything you can think of! Repeats from Cock Wars 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010 are NOT allowed.

Get your nominations in now by posting them in the comments section below. I’m far more likely to accept your nominations if you simultaneously volunteer to write those nominees’ descriptions.

How many contestants will there be?

64 contestants, with four entrants per poll.

How long will it last?

Less than two months!

When does it start?

The first four polls will open Thursday, March 31, 2011. Those polls will be closed the following Monday, when four new polls will open.

Will there be character descriptions this year?

I personally despise writing the character descriptions, but we’ve had a lot of fun over the last couple years with volunteers handling the bulk of write-ups. My hope is to have user-submitted descriptions become the norm, so if you’d like to volunteer and make my dream a reality, let me know along with your nominations.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

On this week’s episode, we get an inside look at a mad pimp’s holiday. As a bonus, this episode marks the first signs that TNG might be a decent series.

Plot: The Enterprise is in for some maintenance and upgrades. Most of the crew leaves to play made up games that require diving suits, but Riker decides to stay on board to watch over the aliens working on the ship’s computers. Leaving Wes Crusher to do the actual supervising, the Commander ends up on the holodeck, stretching his jazz skills. It’s here that he becomes entranced by holodeck character Minuet.

Character Development: This Riker-heavy episode reveals that the man isn’t even into womanizing for the sex, he just loves the thrill of flirting. He does this by grinning devilishly and speaking in calm, confident tones. Fascinating.

Forehead of the Week: The purple-headed Bynars take this supreme honour. They are a species interconnected with a main computer that keeps them organized in pairs. They hijack the Enterprise to back up their computer when it is in danger to keep their species going. Apparently, the Enterprise’s computer is the only one the galaxy awesome enough to do this.

Memorable Quote: “If winning is not important, then Commander, why keep score?” – Worf, unleashing some profundity on Riker.

Image: apple.com

As I was too lazy to report on yesterday, Apple’s own Steve “I work even when I’m dying” Jobs has announced the iPad 2.

Changes from the original design include it being thinner and lighter. It also has a faster processor and a rear-facing camera.

All features of the original iPad remain, including awkward typing, blatant inferiority to laptops, lack of Flash support, and exorbitant price (up to $829).

Get yourself another credit card quick, the iPad 2 launches March 11.

Source: arstechnica

The announcement of a new Mario game for 3DS wasn’t all Iwata had up his proverbial sleeve at GDC yesterday. The Nintendo president also showed off a new trailer for the upcoming Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, viewable above.

The new footage gives stronger hints at what gameplay will be like compared with previous media. Use of Motion+ is evident in things like a block rotation puzzle and traps which require precise sword swings.

There is a “shield” gage which appears under Link’s health, a first for the Zelda series. Link’s sometimes female companion/sometimes sword shows up as a usable item in the HUD as well. What that implies is unclear.

A number of larger non-boss enemies also showed up in the trailer, which has me excited. I’ve always liked the bigger battles in Zelda games that were more about sword skills than obvious “boss gimmicks.”

One weird jester-looking character made an appearance. The white-hair-having, purple-eyeliner-wearing mystery many may be important to the story.

While he was chatting about Zelda, Iwata also mentioned the 25th anniversary of the series and showed off a corresponding logo. Wild speculation indicates something collectible is on its way as part of the celebration.

Image: NeoGAF

Nintendo president Satoru Iwata held his keynote at GDC today, and he did not disappoint.

He confirmed a new 3D Mario game for 3DS is on its way (that is to say, a game with polygonal graphics with stereoscopic effects and with Mario 64/Mario Galaxy style 3D gameplay). The game is being developed by the same team that made Galaxy and Galaxy 2, so odds of face-breaking quality are high.

Only a few screens were shown, but they betray two important facts: Mario can lose his hat and the graphics are spectacular. The game’s logo was also shown, and it includes a “tail,” which indicates that either the “Super Leaf” or “Tanooki Suit” upgrades from Mario 3 are back. I have to wager on the Super Leaf.

“Some” say the 3D effects allowed by the 3DS allow for more precise jumping in 3D space.

Source: NeoGAF

Image: Adapted from pcroom by JoopDorresteijn under a CC-BY license.

Maybe Vietnam, with its anti-online gaming stance, is on to something.

A Chinese man who spent three days straight gaming at an internet cafe outside Beijing has died. The death was preceded by the man not sleeping, barely eating or moving, and slipping into a coma.

I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think treating your body like shit generally leads to comas, unless “treating your body like shit” involves bashing your head in with rocks, so I suspect other factors were at work here in addition to the gamer lifestyle.

Perhaps the most shocking aspect of this entire ordeal is the mystery man’s tab: he had spent about $1,500 over the previous month on gaming at cafes. Why he didn’t just buy a computer for himself, I have no idea.

Source: My Fox DC

Image: Public domain, just like my pants.

Thanks to the noble efforts of LG, the PS3′s march across Europe has been stymied. A copyright claim by LG arguing that Sony’s Blu-ray players violate their patents has resulted in PS3s entering Europe to be seized by customs.

Reports indicate stores have two or three weeks’ worth of supply in the pipeline before Europe is free of the four year tyrannical ordeal known as the PlayStation 3.

At present, the blockade is only set to last for ten days, but LG may be working to extend that count, or even aim to have the systems put out of their miseries permanently.

Somewhere, Geohot is laughing.

Source: MCV UK

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, issues of gender are awkwardly discussed. Much of the action takes place on a planet called “Angel I” (above) which happens to look an awful lot like many other alien planets visited in Star Trek history.

Plot: The Enterprise crew has deduced that a Federation freighter that was lost seven years ago may have had survivors who managed to escape to the planet Angel I. It turns out Angel I is inhabited by an intelligent, female-dominated, species, whose members happen to look exactly like humans, except the dudes tend to be shorter and less hairy. As the episode develops, we learn that the women of Angel I are still vulnerable to sexist writers looking to prove that women just want strong, hairy men like Riker.

Character Development: In “Angel One,” we learn nothing about our favourite characters as they all act exactly as expected. Wesley Crusher is a moron, Captain Picard is married to his job, Worf sneezes loudly, and Riker’s got a way with the ladies.

Forehead of the Week: I’m going to go with the less obvious choice, and award this title to the mystery virus which infects much of the crew in this episode before a last minute treatment is discovered by Dr. Crusher. Its first victim was Wesley Crusher, who seemingly got it from a holodeck ski trip. How that is possible, or why the phenomena was not studied further, I have no idea.

Memorable Quote: “Engage.” – Riker, after a sore-throated Picard was unable to say it. See, it’s a joke.

Image: Adapted from PICT0035 by goodsurfers2011 under a CC-BY license.

Nintendo’s inevitable march toward global domination took an important step forward today with the launch of 3DS in Japan.

The system’s initial shipment of 400,000 units sold out almost immediately. That includes units preordered, and those that actually made it to store shelves before quickly being snatched up by same-day customers.

Word is that stores will actually be receiving a fresh shipment of the multi-screened, multi-awesomed devices Sunday.

So there you have it, the long awaited 3DS is finally out there in the wild, and 400K lucky residents of Japan are playing with them right now, probably in varying states of rapture.

Source: andriasang

Hint: select parental code “6969″ at the end of the above video to see evidence of a video game leading to a gang bang.

Ubisoft has yet another mini-game fest in the works for the Wii, but this isn’t your typical Wii Sports knock-off. As you can see in the ad embedded above, the mini-games in We Dare encourage adult behaviour such as flirtatiously whacking another person on the lower back. Oh yeah, and doubling up on a Wiimote.

Unfortunately for North Americans looking to get laid (the ads make it abundantly clear that this game directly leads to boning), the title will not be heading to that continent.

Image: Adapted from IMG_1924 by helloandrew under a CC-BY-SA license.

Online gaming. It’s fun, it’s cheap, and only in the rarest of cases has it been a problem for anyone. Time for a crack down just in case.

The government of Vietnam is taking the high levels of interest in online gaming amongst its youngsters seriously, requiring ISPs to block online games from 10pm to 8am every night (which everyone knows is the best time to game), supposedly in an effort to curb addiction.

I suppose the kids of Vietnam (and everyone else) will have to find something else to do during those hours, like form gangs, rape, or pillage. I guess they could try single player as well, although free to play MMOs are what’s big over there.

Most amusingly, the true addicts of gaming will see little effect from this, as they can still play all day. Really, it’s the casual gamers who want to relax after school or work who are hardest hit by this needless and ignorance-driven decision.

Meanwhile, in Australia, the upcoming Mortal Kombat game has been denied a ratings classification, which means the title won’t be available there. This is a persistent problem in the country, as the nation’s ratings board lacks the equivalent of an “R” or “M” rating, which means anything that warrants something higher than a “Teen” rating is simply unable to be sold. So, you know, the Australian government, they’re pretty shameful this week too.

Fun aside: my source includes a bunch of kids huddled around SNESes, which makes me wonder just what kind of online gaming is going on in Vietnam.

Source: Mail Online

]]> http://shufflingdead.com/videos/sdgr/gran-turismo-3-and-4-review.php/feed 0 http://shufflingdead.com/news/january-2011-npd-numbers-are-utterly-meaningless.php http://shufflingdead.com/news/january-2011-npd-numbers-are-utterly-meaningless.php#comments Thu, 24 Feb 2011 00:49:52 +0000 Newbs http://shufflingdead.com/?p=12912

Handhelds, where are you?

NPD’s monthly video game sales stats for January are here, such as they are. We’ve gone several months without PSP numbers, but we already knew that system was selling at such a low level as to be fairly meaningless in the breakdown of the monthly pie-chart. This month, however, we have been robbed of the DS number as well, which makes it look like Nintendo only occupies a third of the market, instead of the half or so that they actually do.

Anyway, the Wii sold 319K, the 360 sold 381K, and the PS3 sold 267K.

In software, Call of Duty: Black Ops was on top again, but we don’t know exactly how many were sold, or for what systems. Just Dance 2 for Wii took second and Dead Space 2 took third with 452K sold across 360, PS3, and PC.

Source: NeoGAF

Image: Nintendo.

Hi folks, Newbs here. I’m back from my extended journey through the woods of event organization and prepared to tell you about two day old news once again.

Easily the most important thing to occur during my absence, and pretty much the most important thing that will happen between the 3DS’s announcement and its release next month, is that February 21, 2011 was the 25th anniversary of The Legend of Zelda.

Link’s first outing was released in Japan on that date.

To celebrate, 1up put together a piece entitled “25 Things You Didn’t Know About The Legend of Zelda,” which you can read here. Note: that title is misleading, I knew pretty much everything they listed already. Your mileage may vary depending on how cool you are.

Someone also threw together this amazing piece of artwork to remind us all of the characters which have graced the series. Credit goes to this guy.

Of course, for a series as packed with greatness at Zelda, the celebration should really last all year. Two titles in the franchise should be releasing in 2011, so I think Nintendo’s got things covered from their end, but what will you be doing?

Image: Nintendo

The launch of the 3DS in North America is only a little over a month away, but the day-one line-up for that region wasn’t announced until just today. Let’s find out what Nintendo has chosen to bless us with this time (from the press release):

On March 27, new Nintendo 3DS owners will be able to choose from the following Nintendo-published games, each available at a suggested retail price of $39.99:

• Pilotwings Resort™, an aerial adventure featuring airplanes, hang gliders and rocket belts. Players soar above tropical Wuhu Island in 3D as they complete missions or snap pictures.
• Steel Diver™, a submarine game that involves strategy and combat. The 3D visuals give players the sensation that they are looking into a miniature aquarium as they control the sub’s speed, depth and pitch, and fire torpedoes.
• nintendogs™ + cats, a game that lets players interact with realistic puppies – and kittens – in a variety of fun ways. There are three versions of the software, each with different starting breeds: French bulldog, toy poodle and golden retriever. But in each version players can unlock and enjoy more than 20 different breeds.
• Other Nintendo 3DS games in the works for 2011 from Nintendo include The Legend of Zelda™: Ocarina of Time™ 3D, Star Fox 64™ 3D, Kid Icarus™: Uprising and new installments in the Mario Kart™ series.

Whoah. It could be worse! The most intriguing news comes in that final point. Apparently, new Mario Kart “installments” are coming out in 2011. Confirmation that the game known to be in development will be ready for 2011 is spectacular, but endless speculation on whether that’s a typo or a legitimate declaration of plural Mario Kart games is even better!

Oh right, third party stuff is coming out too:

• Super Street Fighter® IV 3D Edition from CAPCOM
• The Sims™ 3 from EA
• Madden NFL Football from EA SPORTS
• Pro Evolution Soccer 2011 3D from Konami Digital Entertainment, Inc.
• LEGO® Star Wars® III: The Clone Wars™ from LucasArts™
• RIDGE RACER® 3D from NAMCO BANDAI Games America Inc.
• Super Monkey Ball™ 3D from SEGA
• BUST-A-MOVE UNIVERSE™ from Square-Enix, Inc.
• SAMURAI WARRIORS®: Chronicles from TECMO KOEI AMERICA Corp.
• Asphalt™ 3D from UBISOFT
• Combat of Giants™: Dinosaurs 3D from UBISOFT
• Rayman® 3D from UBISOFT
• Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon® Shadow Wars from UBISOFT

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, Data discovers he has a brother. As it should happen, he’s a total dick.

Plot: Picard decides he’d like to check out Data’s mysterious home planet, Omicron Theta. It contained a human colony that was entirely wiped out except for Data, or so everyone thought. The power of Geordi’s visor leads the crew to discover a secret lab hidden on the planet which contains another Soong-type android. His name’s Lore, and man is he evil! Once reassembled, he tries to hand the Enterprise crew over to the life-sucking Crystalline Entity which is what actually destroyed Omicron Theta.

Character Development: In this episode, the Enterprise crew acts as though they’ve never asked Data about his origins or studied the history of his home planet. This conveniently allows them to ask Data about these subjects, enabling the audience to be informed along the way. It turns out the colonists who died around Data transferred their memories to him. Suddenly, Data starts remembering things. Most of the memories must have been pretty meaningless though, as he stops remembering as soon as the episode ends.

Forehead of the Week: The Crystalline Entity which Lore is so fond of is a wonderfully complex evil space crystal that eats life. It can travel at warp speeds and apparently has the ability to reward androids for doing its bidding.

Memorable Quote: “Shut up, Wesley!” – Picard, silencing the person trying to save him from the really obvious ploy by the bad guy.

]]> http://shufflingdead.com/videos/the-dungeon/nerd-olympics-2011-preview.php/feed 0 http://shufflingdead.com/shufflingdeadcast/nerds-and-olympics.php http://shufflingdead.com/shufflingdeadcast/nerds-and-olympics.php#comments Wed, 16 Feb 2011 00:25:00 +0000 Newbs http://shufflingdead.com/?p=12882

A nice thing for your ears.

Listen via iTunes – Download MP3

On this month’s episode of ShufflingDeadCast, we take a look at some of gaming’s biggest stories of late, including the announcement of the NGP,the cancellation of Guitar Hero, and those mean things Fox News said. After that, we head into a full preview of upcoming Nerd Olympics 2011.

You can now subscribe to our podcast via iTunes by clicking the link above. Be sure to give us your feedback and questions at hosts@shufflingdead.com. Hit the jump for the full show notes.

Topics Discussed:
Sony announces “NGP,” err, PSP2
Jiffy’s Lazy Links: Fake Found Footage Edition
Shameful Human(s) of the Week: Fox News

and…

Nerd Olmypics 2011

Image: Guitar Hero World Tour box art. Activision.

Following Activision’s announcement that the Guitar Hero brand is over, Industry Gamers spoke to a number of business analysts to discuss the issue. They wanted to find out if Call of Duty might be the next victim of milking.

Billy Pidgeon of M2 Research praised Activision for the way they handled the Guitar Hero franchise, saying “strip-mining franchises is a successful, risk-averse strategy.” He also gave mad props for Activision’s “hit it and quit it model” which he described as “carpet-bombing the market with sequels.”

Just a reminder folks: games are not art, and customers are not worthy of respect.

Other analysts gave more reasoned, less grotesque answers, which you can read by clicking the link below. Internet sensation Michael Pachter, for example, explained that the difference between the franchises is that Guitar Hero was a game people bought once with their console, whereas Call of Duty has a strong and well developed community that keeps momentum for the series going.

Source: Industry Gamers

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

As is the case with so many first season TNG episodes, a brilliant concept is introduced and then completely mishandled.

Plot: Captain Picard decides to try out this new thing called the holodeck he’s been hearing about. Always eager to display how boring he is, Picard opts not to check out anything erotic, or even interesting, but instead chooses to take on the role of Dixon Hill, a film noir style detective. To no one’s surprise, some alien technology causes the holodeck to malfunction, trapping Picard and several others in the fictional world.

Character Development: I’m going to bend the rules a little and discuss the holodeck itself here. Early in “The Big Goodbye,” Picard is kissed by a holographic woman. When he leaves the holodeck, he caries with him the lipstick she left on his face which is later physically removed. It must therefore be assumed that makeup is replicated for use by holodeck characters. The episode concludes with some of Dixon’s enemies disappearing as they step out of the holodeck (obviously, they are “photons and forcefields”). Their clothes, stomach contents, and anything else they may be carrying disappear at the same time. It is therefore clear that the holodeck possess extreme artificial intelligence, capable of deciphering which materials to replicate, and which to project, in order to best suit the needs of the plots of both its own programs, and the TV series in which it is featured.

Forehead of the Week: This goes to the Jarada. The insect-like aliens put so much stress on Captain Picard through their demands that he speak to them perfectly in their own language without use of universal translator that he chose to escape to the holodeck for some relaxation.

Memorable Quote: “Hiya Doc. What’s cookin’?” – Data, providing minor amusement in an episode that should have been significantly funnier.

Image: CityVille. Zynga.

CityVille is Facebook’s latest game craze. It comes from Zynga, makers of the infamous FarmVille.

But what IS the game? Judging by this video, it’s Sim City for four year-olds. Presumably with a bunch of micro-transactions available to keep you paying. In other words: terrible, at least until Launch Arcologies are introduced.

Beyond the massive player count, the game boasts a wealth of other disturbing stats. 100 million players = 1/5 of Facebook’s entirety of users. It’s players make up 1/3 of the mighty Zynga’s player base. Zynga’s second place competitor (for money-sucking, information stealing casual shit) wields a collected player base of half that of CityVille‘s alone.

I once feared Madden players. Forum trolls have long bashed the Wii. All the while, gaming’s true enemy was breeding an army hidden in plain sight.

Source: Social Game Central

Image: News Corporation.

Of course, the employees of Fox News could take turns being Shameful Human from here on out and it would be entirely justified, but that would be too easy. That granted, I’ve got a link to a Fox News exposé on the horrors of video games that’s given me special motivation to berate the organization this week. It’s right here. Be sure to make a wanking motion the entire time you’re reading that. Let’s do a quick run through of the issues with this piece.

The title is “Is Bulletstorm the Worst Video Game in the World?” Oh I get it, you can imply ridiculous things to your readers without being entirely libelous by posing leading questions. I need to take notes for my website dedicated to mockery and trolling. “Fair and balanced” is so ironic a slogan that I actually have to keep my brain from flipping into “I’m reading parody” mode when consuming Fox material.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Jerry Weichman says “if a younger kid experiences Bulletstorm‘s explicit language and violence, the damage could be significant.” Well, I suppose children can be affected by viewing violence, but Bulletstorm is M rated. If 9-year-olds are playing the game, I suspect it is as a result of poor parenting… no wait, I’m wrong. According to psychiatrist Carole Lieberman, ESRB ratings aren’t enforced. That’s funny, because I’ve personally seen EB employees refuse to sell to kids, and they are apparently better enforced than movie ratings. Baselessly attacking movies must not be worth as many scare points for Fox’s old and angry audience.

Lieberman wasn’t done making shit up in her above quote. She also claims “the increase in rapes can be attributed in large part to the playing out of [sexual] scenes in video games.” I wonder when all those dating sims I’ve played will kick in and I’ll go on a raping frenzy.

Alright, final ridiculous quote. “Video game publishers traditionally stay glib about the issue of violence.” This statement is followed up by an explanation of all the “no comments” game companies gave to Fox. In other words, I don’t think glib means what Fox News thinks it means.

I have a confession to make. Before I began work on the Definitive 50, I had never played a Mega Man game. That’s right, I had never encountered one of the most famous and prolific game characters of all time until just a few months ago.

Upon picking up Mega Man X for the first time, I immediately realized the appeal of the series, and what had kept fans coming back for so many installments.

Mega Man X takes 24th place on the list of Definitive 50 SNES games.

Mega Man X is a side-scrolling action platformer released for the Super Nintendo in December of 1993. It was later released as part of the Mega Man X Collection for GameCube and PS2. Although technically a separate series from the famous Mega Man games of the NES, the X games are a natural progression of the gameplay founded there.

Sure, the basic gameplay premise of Mega Man X is extremely reminiscent of other action platformer titles we’ve looked at on the Definitive 50, like Super Star Wars and Earthworm Jim, but there is a smoothness of controls and design here that goes unrivaled.

In Mega Man X, your jumps are superhuman, but do not feel wild or uncontrollable. You can cling to walls and even progress up vertical includes by repeatedly hopping. You must dodge enemies and other obstacles to keep up your health, and blast Sigma’s robotic Mavericks whenever you get the chance.

After you advance passed an introductory level, Mega Man X is made up of 8 main levels, each with a boss at the end to battle and an upgrade to find. The order in which you take on these levels is entirely up to you. Plug away on one you find enjoyable, and collect the upgrades you find there to get yourself ready for the levels you find more frustrating.

The instant variety afforded by the game’s level select design makes it immediately accessible and irresistible even for an inexperienced player.

Check back next week for entry 23 on the Definitive 50 SNES games.

Image: Ironically public domain.

It only does what Sony wants it to do. Or else.

Remember when hackers figured out the “public private keys” of the PS3, allowing them to run code on the system at will? Sony does, and they’re still trying to ensure no one is ever able to follow their instructions.

In addition to suing anyone distribution the code necessary to jailbreak the black monolith, the company is kindly requesting Google give up the IP addresses of people who watched a private informational video regarding the hack on YouTube posted by hack-spectacular George “Geohot” Hotz. They also want names to go with the Twitter accounts of fail0verflow members, also associated with the hack.

Oh yeah, Sony is also hoping to get ahold of Hotz’s computer, presumably so they can check it for evidence of pro-Linux, anti-corporate bias.

Source: Wired

Image: RoboCop. Orion Pictures.

Detroit mayor Dave Bing is looking for ways to improve his city’s image. One Twitter user suggested erecting a statue of RoboCop, similar to the Rocky statue in Philadelphia. Sadly, they mayor turned the idea down. In order to convince Bing of what a great idea this really is, I will be honouring RoboCop in this week’s character profile.

Source: Detroit policeman Alex J. Murphy was rebuilt as the cyborg OCP Crime Prevention Unit 001, or RoboCop, after he was murdered by a criminal gang.

Vital Statistics: RoboCop carries a 9mm handgun which he holsters in his leg. He can remove his left hand and replace it with a “weapon arm” which includes a machine gun, flamethrower, and missile launcher. It is with these weapons that RoboCop protects the good people of Detroit from the criminals in their city.

Something Disturbing: There is nothing disturbing whatsoever about RoboCop. He is a glistening example of lawfulness and integrity, and erecting a statue in his image is the least Detroit can do to honour his brave efforts.

Fury Factor: Remember that time I said he could replace his hand with a missile launcher? Yeah. Also defeated ED-209 by tricking it into attempting to descend a set of stairs. Fury factor: 2700.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, Deanna Troi’s childhood marriage arrangement catches up with her. Hijinks ensue.

Plot: The Enterprise is heading for the planet of Haven, renowned for both its maxin’ and relaxin’. On the way, Deanna recieves a transporter room surprise in the form of a talking metallic box which informs her it’s time for the arranged marriage of her childhood she was hoping to avoid.

In addition to Deanna’s husband to be (promising human doctor Wyatt Miller) and his parents, Deanna’s mother Lwaxana Troi also beams aboard the Enterprise. She’s wacky comedic relief! She hits on Picard, she hits on Riker, and everyone has a great time, myself especially. I laughed uproariously while watching this episode alone in my basement of solitude.

Character Development: Deanna and Riker’s relationship is as confusing as ever. He’s jealous of her upcoming marriage, and there’s certainly something going on between the two, but they aren’t anywhere near a proper couple, either. Considering how “single” Riker acts around other women, you’d think he’d be cool with Deanna seeing other guys, but he’s not. That’s bullshit.

Forehead of the Week: That goes to the multi-talented Mr. Homn, Lwaxana’s attendant. He’s at least seven feet tall, drinks like a Klingon, can out-lift Captain Picard, and has only spoken once.

Memorable Quote: “Bill.” – Deanna, refering to Riker. She is apparently close enough to Riker to know his secret nickname (you know, the one that’s not Will or Number One).

Image: Zombies Ate My Neighbors box art. Konami.

Remember the classic SNES and Genesis run-and-gun tribute to horror movies, Zombies Ate My Neighbors? I do, I named it the 37th best Super Nintendo game ever. The few hundred people who watched that video probably remember too.

That’s not to say anyone else does, however, but a film is in the works none the less. I wonder where it will fit in the canon of the franchise. More importantly, I wonder if soda-pop grenades and water guns will be the best weapons the main characters can scrape together.

Zeke and Julie, along with teenage angst, romance, and zombies are in the mix, but not much else is known.

Source: SlashFilm

Image: Adapted from Bell Headquarters by Sweet One under a CC-BY-SA license.

The corporatist war on the Canadian public isn’t over yet. In fact, it’s just beginning. The telecoms and their government supporters are hoping to talking-point you into forgetting what this whole anti usage-based billing thing is all about.

Konrad von Finckenstein, head of the CRTC, tried to appear affable Thursday, speaking to the House of Commons.

The corporate equivalent of Santa Claus joked that he wishes to “find economic ways to discipline the use of the Internet.” No, wait, that wasn’t the joke part. The joke was “we don’t have a monopoly on wisdom,” which preceded the supposedly serious comment about trying to prevent Canadians from using the broadband internet services which they already pay for, and which ISPs have found plenty profitable (yes, telecoms grew rich even without UBB).

Of course, von Finckenstein managed to throw in Bell/Telus/Shaw/Rogers’ favourite talking point about metered internet being equivalent to charging for usage when it comes to electricity. Remember, bandwidth doesn’t need to be created like power, it’s already sitting in the lines whether you use it or not.

Don’t let this issue get talked to death. If you, as Canadians, want legitimate and fairly priced internet usage now and for the rest of your lives, the corporations must be fiercely regulated. As always, fight the power.

Source: ars technica

This week’s Interneter is Blake Boston, better known as Scumbag Steve. You can see him pictured in all his glory to the right.

Folks across the internet (well, mostly Reddit) have been enjoying sticking text implying that Steve is a bit of a, well, scumbag on that particular picture. The idea is that Steve likes to poke his head around the corner, ask to borrow your stuff, get you to pay for things, and especially acquire weed from you whenever he can. All favours which he never returns.

As with most/all of the ridiculous images of people which circle the internet, Scumbag Steve exists in reality, but as Blake Boston. It’s an exclusive club filled by the likes of Tron Guy, and the fellow who dresses up as Peter Pan. In Blake’s case, he is a MySpace rapper and highly legitimate.

“Weezy B.” as he is sometimes known has had a bumpy ride on the meme train. His Twitter feed is filled with drama associated with his entry into entirely deserved super-stardom with gems like the following. I don’t really know what it means, but it sounds angry.

REDDIT IMA COMIN FOR YOU DONT LET ME DOWN FUKERS REALFUKINTALK DAPS 4 CHAN?SUCK MY DICK.

Blake seems to have mostly come around to his notoriety by this point, as his Twitter description tells us:

Im Blake Boston.Im from Boston. I guess Im also a meme (whatever the f*ck that is). scumbag steve. whatever. FUCK YA IM SCUMBAG STEVE.DEAL

Image: Adapted from Gameboy Original by PseudoGil under a CC-BY license.

GameBoys are precious things. We already knew they were worth stealing from dead people for some, and now it turns out others consider them worth murdering for.

John Rosa has been sentenced to 5 and 1/2 years after he stabbed and killed Devone McCrary over a GameBoy Rosa had stolen from him. The light sentence comes as a result of Rosa’s guilty plea of “passion-provocation manslaughter” which came in December.

Personally, I consider my GameBoy to be worthy of the noble shrine I have given it in my closet. We have a lot of memories together, but then again, it lacked backlighting.

Source: NorthJersey.com

Image: Dead Space 2 box art. EA.

EA, or whoever defrosted the aged idea of selling video games by making you feel rebelious for playing them in the marketing campaign for Dead Space 2, are this week’s Shameful Humans.

The campaign consists of a bunch of mom-looking moms (or maybe/probably they’re actors) reacting to footage from Dead Space 2. They react just the way years of stereotyped portrayals on television would lead you to expect they would react!

You can see the humiliatingly stupid results here. Anticipate a lot of middle-aged women grimacing.

Even more embarassing, part of this campaign involves a forced attempt at “going viral” by trying to get the kids back home to film their moms reacting to the violence of Dead Space 2 as well. Quick, you’ve only got until February 25th!

So, to recap: This campaign implies that gamers are a bunch of teenage guys who strive to be as bad-ass as possible by playing games their mothers wouldn’t approve of. Women don’t like video games. Adults don’t like video games. A “mature” rated game isn’t for mature people.

This campaign reminds me of the juvenility supplied so copiously by game marketers in the ’90s. These ads are more fitting Mortal Kombat than they are what I thought was supposed to be a serious game of 2011.

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation: A XXX Parody. Via io9.

My fantasy has come to life. Star Trek: The Next Generation: A XXX Parody is in development. It features porn versions of everyone you’d expect: Troi, Data, Beverly Crusher, and of course, Will Riker himself. Geordi’s holographic fantasy Leah Brahms shows up, as well as Tasha Yar.

Also in the mix is a man who io9 describes as “a renowned Patrick Stewart impersonator from London” to play the role of Captain Jean-Luc Picard. The guy is spectacular.

How is all of this possible? Director Sam Hain is serious about Star Trek. He wrote the film to fit with TNG canon and only added the sex bits after. The parody’s events take place just before season six episode “True Q.”

Unfortunately, no trailer is available yet. Rest assured, ShufflingDead will follow this story with Vulcan-like intensity and bring it to you as soon as possible.

Source: io9

Image: Adapted from Natalie Portman by Josh Jensen under a CC-BY-SA license.

Dear Natalie Portman,

First off, you’re fucking Queen Amidala. Do you even realize how awesome that is? Queen “I gave birth to Darth Vader’s children” Amidala. Queen “I’m friends with Jar Jar Binks” Amidala. Queen “I fall for pick up lines involving sand” Amidala.

I was really hoping you could say something insulting about George Lucas, just between us. That would be hilarious. What’s in his neck pouch?

I frequently discuss on my website how terrible your fake English accent is, I hope you don’t mind. It was bad enough in V for Vendetta, but at least that was a watchable movie. On the other Bantha foot, The Other Boleyn Girl was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and it was just as bad there. Please, just stop.

I previously asked Scarlett Johansson to pass the message regarding your accent on to you, but you’ve got Your Highness coming out, so I don’t think you got it. Since it’s a comedy, maybe it’s part of the joke though.

Do you ever look at Photoshopped pictures of yourself on the internet? Yeah, I don’t recommend doing that.

I don’t like sand,
Newbs

Super Castlevania IV introduced the classic Castlevania gameplay of the NES to the technical power of the Super Nintendo. It was released for that system in December 1991. It is now available on Wii’s Virtual Console service.

Super Castlevania IV takes 25th place on the list of Definitive 50 SNES games.

The story goes that every 100 years, good’s powers fade, and Dracula is resurrected. Well, he’s back, and it’s up to you, as vampire slayer Simon Belmont, to take down the blood-sucker. Do you really need any more motivation?

This action platformer features eleven grueling stages which require you to navigate with utmost skill. Belmont’s moves are a complex combination of multi-directional whipping, jumping, and throwing. You’ll need to master them all to take on nothing short of the darkest of evil’s forces. Exploring is also vital in this title, as staying alive means finding every bit of health-recovering food you can scrounge.

This game’s appeal lay not only in the intense action of its gameplay, but also in the intriguing atmosphere its aesthetics build. Eery organ music will haunt your steps here. Enemies come in a wide array of classical-horror inspired styles, as well as more modern movies. You’ll face everything from shambling skeletons and fluttering bats to hydra-like monsters on your journey to defeat Dracula himself.

Later Castlevania games break from the hack-and-slash formula perfected in this title. If you’re looking for Metroid or “Metroidvania”-like exploration and open-ended gameplay, avoid this title and look into later Castlevania games. If you just want to whip baddies instead of worrying about where you’re going, then Castlevania IV is exactly what you need.

Check back next week for entry 24 on the Definitive 50 SNES games.

Image: Adapted from Stephen Harper - World Economic Forum Annual Meeting Davos 2010 by World Economic Forum under a CC-BY-SA license.

The Canadian meltdown over the CRTC’s ruling that network owners could punish smaller ISPs with usage-based billing has met with mild political progress.

Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper, or as I like to call him “fuck you,” declared on Tuesday that there would be a review of the finding with a decision coming March 1.

My biased, angry, but no less accurate prediction? Since everyone has agreed an election is coming, the Conservatives will likely strike down the decision for political points. They will use the issue to further demonize and weaken the CRTC, thus removing the chances of Canada ever getting robust regulation of internet providers, and ultimately furthering the corporatist agenda. In the end, we’ll get slightly better service than the current rampage-of-greed, such that we can live with it, but not more.

Once again, Fight the power.

Image: Nintendo.

In a new installment of the ever-amusing “Iwata Asks” series that Nintendo runs on its official site, Lord Miyamoto declared:

Yes. So, in the interests of adopting new technology for the Super Mario Bros. tradition, I am now making a new Super Mario Bros. game for the Nintendo 3DS system.

…

Yes. (laughs) I want to show everyone as soon as possible what the new Super Mario Bros. will be like on the Nintendo 3DS.

I feel it necessary at this point to recycle my own material and state in the most dignified fashion possible: augh augh augh, give me Mario, augh augh augh. Let’s hope the laughing genius behind plumbing’s most famous practitioner is serious about this latest promise.

Don’t be too hasty in assuming Shigeru is planning a new installment in the “New” series of Mario games, either. Only a couple of months ago, he was talking about making games of both the 3D play-style and 2D play-style that have diverged for the 3DS.

Source: Gamespot

Image: Kirby Super Star Ultra. Nintendo.

Source: Kirby is the legendary pink… thing of the games which carry his name.

Vital Statistics: Kirby is a mere 8 inches tall, yet appears to be roughly the same height as other Nintendo mascots in Super Smash Bros., including the human and humanoid ones. He has also been described as “a living pink marshmallow,” but that might not be canon. In conclusion, he is pink. The rest is up for debate.

Something Disturbing: Although gamers across the internet never seem to get enough of the sexual and/or grotesque implications of Kirby’s giant mouth-body, Wikipedia tells me some Kirby material has implied that he is fairly young. I recommend we continue to ignore these hints for the purpose of comedy.

Fury Factor: Kirby’s own games are generally quite easy, with some not even allowing him/you to die. Having said that, I’ve seen Kirby box significantly above his punch class (or whatever sports analogy I am trying to make) in Super Smash Bros. As such, I award Kirby a fury factor of 2300.01.

What you just read: In the Summer of 2006 I started up a feature called “Prehistoric Organism of the Week” with the intention of MS-Painting dinosaurs for amusement. I then abandoned that feature a couple months later and started up “Game Character Q&A of the Week” so that I could make sexual innuendos about Tetris pieces. This lasted all of two entries. In September of 2009 I rebranded “Prehistoric Organism of the Week” as “Creature of the Week” so that I could MS-Paint Pokémon. Now, in early 2011, I’ve decided to pull all of these things together into the feature you just read, simply called “Character Profile of the Week.” All of this is to say we don’t know what we’re doing here at ShufflingDead, but we ask that you just roll with it.

Image: Adapted from Bell Headquarters by Sweet One under a CC-BY-SA license.

I have a series of questions for our Canadian fans. Do you like the internet? Do you like using the internet for legal services such as gaming and Netflix? Do you like watching ShufflingDead’s videos in glorious high definition on YouTube?

If you said yes to any of the above, then you are, right now, in the process of receiving an almighty corporate cock-lashing.

The CRTC, whose supposed job it is to regulate telecommunications carriers, gave network owners the go ahead to implement “usage based billing” as requested by Bell Canada. This was to come into effect 90 days from its October 28, 2010 decision. That would be right now. Under this system, Bell and others are allowed to charge internet users by the gigabyte.

Smaller ISPs who operate on the owners’ networks will be similarly charged, with a mere 15% wholesale discount, and forced to pass those fees on to their customers. This leaves Bell’s smaller competitors with little edge, and makes them more readily crush-able.

And what of those fees? Ontario’s TekSavvy will now be forced to slam its users with a 25GB per month cap. Going over that limit will set you back $1.90 per gigabyte. Let’s all go to the fucking lobby of justice known as the truth and figure out what that might look like for a “heavy” user (read: someone who actually uses the services available on the modern internet, not your email forwarding grandma):

Wow, over $100 a month to use the internet?!?! Convenient how the high-bandwidth entertainment offered online suddenly looks a lot less appetizing, huh? With users forced to pay more for the bandwidth they’re consuming, they’ll be forced to cut down on such activities, and turn to other sources for movies and other amusements. It just so happens that Bell and other carriers offer their own entertainment services at slightly more palatable rates! This move severely harms the competitiveness of great services like Netflix.

You may be thinking “poor Bell, it’s not fair that they should have to endure my heavy usage!,” but then you’d be a fucking idiot. There are fixed costs to delivering internet to your house, just as there are to hooking Freddy Facebook up with his poking fix. Your long nights of porn streaming that Freddy doesn’t engage in cost Bell about $0.01/gigabyte. Bell doesn’t have to manufacture extra bandwidth for you, they don’t have to mine it out of the ground.

The “why” of this scenario is simple: Bell wants to make as much money as possible. Charging customers out the ass is one way of doing that, being able to provide better deals than their small ISP competitors is another, and driving out competing services for their entertainment offerings is yet another.

The “how” is a little more disturbing. The CRTC initially sought to require Bell to delay usage-based billing until moving its customers off of unlimited plans, and offer usage insurance plans to smaller ISPs. Bell appealed those decisions, and the CRTC complied. Let’s read the subtext: Bell owns the government of Canada. Corporations run our lives and the government is complicit.

The internet is the most powerful communications and entertainment tool in human history. It allows anyone, from anywhere in the world, to talk to anyone else. It allows anyone, anywhere in the world, to produce digital entertainment, and provide it to anyone else. When corporations are allowed to limit and manipulate your use of the internet, they deprive you of the freedom fundamental to the value of that tool. Fight the power.

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Copyright CBS Paramount Studios.

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, Q is back and he’s here to provide the crew with another meaningless challenge to overcome.

Plot: Q interrupts an important rescue mission the Enterprise is on so that he can figure out what would happen if he gave Riker the powers of the Q. What follows is a bunch of dicking around on a desert planet, some talking, and absolutely nothing of consequence. Deanna Troi is missing from this episode, and neither crew nor audience cares.

Character Development: Q-ed up Riker offers to grant each member of the regular cast a gift. This involves turning Wesley into a model from a men’s wear catalog, giving Geordi eyesight, and throwing Worf a rambunctious Klingon female. Of course, each crew person rejects his or her gift, citing the desire to be as boring as possible.

Forehead of the Week: The pig-like humanoid aliens dressed as 18th century French military uniforms that Q uses as props get the title this week. The show’s writers couldn’t even be bothered to name them, but they deserve more than that.

Memorable Quote: “Macro head with a micro brain.” – Q, slamming Worf with a witty quip about the size of his noggin.

Image: Nintendo.

When in unholy fuck is the world getting its next Zelda game?

Back in December, Shigeru Miyamoto claimed that Skyward Sword was an ominous “over half complete,” but now Iwata is saying “[Miyamoto's] team is now entering into the final completion stage of the game.” So that’s something. He also says:

Talking about The Legend of Zelda franchise, what people called a masterpiece in the days of Nintendo 64, “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time” has been in the process of being remade for Nintendo 3DS, and this Nintendo 3DS version is expected to hit the market earlier.

Seriously people, I need this shit to live. As crushingly painful as it may be that we have to wait until the end of March for the 3DS, and then somewhere between then and June for the Ocarina of Time remake, it is even harder to come to terms with the idea that we have to wait until after that for a truly new Zelda game.

It’s been five, FIVE, years since Twilight Princess came out. Two since Spirit Tracks, and that was boring and hardly lived up to what I need in a Zelda fix! Come on!

Back when Twilight Princess was announced, I made a decent effort to play through the previous games in the series in anticipation. Anyone doing anything similar for this?

Source: GoNintendo

Image: Nintendo Power.

February’s issue of Nintendo Power includes a listing of the three worst moments in sonic history. They are:

• Kissing a human.
• Turning into a Werehog.
• Big the Cat.

There are just so many to choose from. What about “existence” or “slippery physics”?

Nintendo was never as invested in the 16-bit rivalry as SEGA was. Sad and Pathetic Blue needed so badly to best and out bad-ass the Big N in every way, so they repeatedly trashed their opposition in advertisements.

With Nintendo Power no longer being published by Nintendo, it would seem the magazine is a little freer to mix it up with the company’s old rival. Even though Nintendo won, it would seem there is lingering bitterness.

Source: Aeropause

Image: Pandora's Tower, Nintendo.

During an investors meeting, Nintendo stealth announced a couple of new Wii games: yet another Kirby 2D platformer (this time developed by Kirby’s old friends at HAL, and something called Pandora’s Tower.

The Kirby game appears to be the eternally under development GameCube game. The trailer can be seen here. It looks a lot like what was shown in 2005. Why this had to be delayed all the way until immediately after the release of Kirby’s Epic Yarn remains a mystery.

The other title, Pandora’s Tower is even less comprehensible. There’s a teaser site, which includes the art above and a Biblical quote. It’s supposedly coming to Japan this spring. Developer and genre are unknown. Expect an overwrought JRPG that will never be brought to the west.

Image: Nintend/Comics Alliance

The post-re-post blog-o-”sphere” has churned up a spectacular 493-drawing strong image of every Pokémon re-imagined as a sexy anime lady. Let’s all amuse ourselves by staring at it. This isn’t a furry thing, right?

This being the internet, the original source has already been lost and I cannot credit the creative genius behind this masterwork of 21st-century pop culture fetishism.

What I can tell you, however, is that Comics Alliance has already helpfully placed Miltank and her human counterpart side-by-side (see above), so my work as fetish pointer/laugher/admirer is already done.

Image: Sony.

Sony finally cleared away the months of rumours and speculation, officially announcing the PSP2, or as the company is currently calling it, the “Next Generation Portable.”

Much of what was expected came true: touch screen on the front, touch pad on the back, “PS3 quality” graphics, and dual analog. Perhaps more surprisingly, Sony has decided to ditch the UMD format and is switching to DS-style flash-based carts. Also included are 3G support, GPS, and an OLED screen.

Sony is promising a holiday 2011 release date for Japan, but no price has been announced. Random internet forum speculation indicates the thing will be pricey, in the area of $300-400.

Hyperbolic industry fellatio has already begun for the system, with one EEDAR analyst claiming:

After seeing the specs today, if the NGP can’t succeed, it is clear that the portable gaming landscape has forever changed. The future of portable entertainment is in the hands of Sony.

It’s like we’re right back in the PSP vs. DS days of 2004. Let’s see if Sony can really lift us out of the “gaming ghetto” this time.

Image: Adapted from Mark Zuckerberg Facebook SXSWi 2008 Keynote by deneyterrio under a CC-BY license.

Poor Mark Zuckerberg. He’s TIME’s person of the year, is worth billions of dollars, 500 million people he may or may not think are “dumb fucks” use his website, and someone hacked his fan page.

A group or individual apparently excited about the idea of Facebook being run like a co-op rather than a for-profit enterprise had this to say in the voice of Marky-Z:

Let the hacking begin: If facebook needs money, instead of going to the banks, why doesn’t Facebook let its users invest in Facebook in a social way? Why not transform Facebook into a ‘social business’ the way Nobel Price winner Muhammad Yunus described it? http://bit.ly/fs6rT3 What do you think? #hackercup2011

The posting was quickly removed, but not before 1,800 people liked it. I wonder what Zuck’s password was. Love? Sex? Secret? God?

Source: TechCrunch

Image: Battlestar Galactica (2004 TV series).

Ron Moore was a long time writer and producer for Star Trek, mostly Next Generation and DS9, before moving to Voyager, where he explodinated and left. He went on to help develop Battlestar Galactica, and this included writing the “series bible,” a guide for how the series should function.

That bible is now available for public viewing, and it turns out Moore took his time to slap his previous series around a little in it. The man who obsessively wrote Klingon-centric scripts immediately discards “bumpy-headed aliens,” as well as “techno-double talk” and “thespian histrionics.”

Moore even went so far as to announce his series would not include typical science fiction characters like “the cocky guy” or “the fast-talker.” Hey, I thought Gaius Baltar was both those things!

Source: io9

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Copyright CBS Paramount Studios.

The overseer of Star Trek for many years (some would say co-ruiner), Brannon Braga, has confessed “it was a shame for a lot of us” that there were no gay characters in the series. I guess Dax’s fanboy-pandering kiss with Lenara doesn’t count.

Berman makes a good point. For a series that gave us the first inter-racial TV kiss, you would think they would have been further ahead on the issue.

My source expresses curiosity at what Data might have been looking to get up to in his quest for humanity. Geordi was very clearly into ladies, but maybe helping the android out could have staved off desperation a little.

For now, those looking to see some serious same-gender Star Trek action will have to do what they’ve been doing for 40 years, close their eyes and think really hard about Kirk and Spock.

Source: EW

Image: Cover art for Baby by Justin Bieber. Copyright Island Records.

Teen pop infestation Justin Bieber, or someone working on his upcoming theatrical holocaust Never Say Never, was hoping to use a 15 second clip of Super Mario Bros.‘s iconic music. Nintendo, unlike the wallets of so many unsuspecting parents, was able to turn him down.

John Chu, director of Bieber’s moving-image thing, recently complained on Twitter:

aw C’mon Nintendo! Y won’t u let us use the Mario theme for 15 secs in the @Justinbieber movie…talk about free advertising passed up. Oops.

I’d love to know Nintendo’s exact reasoning for the decision. In my mind, it involves Iwata politely laughing, followed by Reggie leaping out of nowhere to “escort” Bieber from Nintendo’s secret underground layer of quality.

Source: MTV

Image: Copyright Wizards of the Coast.

The Nerd Olympics is just weeks away, and that means it’s time for obsessive Legacy deck tweaking. That can get pricy, but money is no object when honour is on the line.

If you’ve been around the game long enough and not been an an embarrassingly cheap player for that entire time, you probably already have a play-set of Wraths.

If you’re me, then you still don’t have a single copy of the card, despite really really needing it to win the most important Magic tournament in the history of price-inflated pieces of cardboard.

Wrath of God is a 4-mana board clearer that has been around since the first edition of Richard Garfield’s game. It is widely regarded as the definitive sweeper and has defined meta-games since the beginning.

Time to pony up.

Image: Call of Duty Modern Warfare box art. Copyright Activision.

Activision is finally feeling the effect of trying to produce large annualized games with studios gutted of their top talent. It’s hardly terrible enough to call karmic revenge for Bobby Kotick’s years of shenanigans, but it’s a start.

The company has brought in Seldgehammer Games to collaborate with Infinity Ward to develop Modern Warfare 3‘s single player component. Meanwhile, Raven Software has been tasked to work on the game’s multi-player. This is all to get the shooter ready for an expected November release.

As a bonus to the clusterfuck Acivision is now dealing with, the Call of Duty spin-off Sledgehammer was supposed to be working on has been delayed thanks to their involvement in this other project.

Source: NeoGAF

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Copyright CBS Paramount Studios.

If you’re wondering where “Justice,” the episode between last week’s “Lonely Among Us” and this week’s “The Battle” is, I already wrote about it. It’s right here.

On this week’s Star Trek episode, those wily Ferengi are up to something yet again.

Plot: The Enterprise meets up with a Ferengi ship that has brought a strange gift: the old Federation ship Stargazer. This was Picard’s old ship, one which he lost in a fight with an unknown vessel, but not before destroying his adversary. In this episode, it is revealed that it was the Ferengi which Picard had encountered, and a family member of one of those who died aboard it is carrying a serious grudge. DaiMon Bok has brought with him a “thought maker” to control Picard and enact revenge.

Character Development In this episode, we discover that Jean-Luc Picard is a brilliant tactician, one capable of devising a ship maneuver worthy of carrying his own name. The mighty Picard Maneuver was his key to winning the Battle of Maxia. It involved blasting toward his opponent at warp 9 in order to make it appear as though there were two copies of his ship at once, thanks to the rate at which light travels. This is different than the other, more famous Picard Maneuver, which involves straightening your shirt on an awkwardly frequent basis.

Forehead of the Week: Since this is a Ferengi episode and I’ve already covered them, I’m going to give Picard’s forehead the honour (and what a forehead it is!). In “The Battle,” we learn that headaches are truly rare in the 24th century, but poor Picard has to suffer through one of them this entire episode.

Memorable Quote:“You’re welcome, ladies… heh. Adults.” – Wesley Crusher, ruining Star Trek.

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