To Hell in a Hand Basket

Ah those old people. Always thinking they know more than us. Just because they’ve lived a hundred years and supposedly fought in fifty wars and walked ten million miles uphill in their elderly relatives’ pajamas, they seem to think they have some sort of life experience or wisdom that can only be gained through many years of life.

Although many of us may dismiss the ramblings of the old, it must be acknowledged that not all old timers are cracked in the head. Some seem to know what they’re about. For example, those who insist that the young whippersnappers of today have no respect for their elders or for authority are quite on the mark. Kids today are assholes, plain and simple. Gone are the days when ‘no’ meant ‘shut the fuck up before I suffocate you in the McDonald’s ball pit’. Clearly ‘no’ now means the parent who dares defy the child is the worst human alive and deserves to have his or her brains eaten by a bear. The new Beyblade must be purchased at all costs, I spit on all who tell me that I am acting in a socially unacceptable manner! Clearly this type of situation can be avoided through :

• Leaving your fucking kids at home. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? Bringing small children to a store that sells toys and candy is like bringing a pedophile to a store that sells toys and candy. That makes about as much sense as the Amish shopping at Wal-Mart.
  
• Beat your kids…repeatedly. Invent new and interesting ways to instill fear in their young hearts, so they shall never again bother you…ever. They will learn to be grateful for every morsel of food you give them and never ask for anything you are not willing to give them. Tell those little bastards what’s what. Smack you in the face if you don’t be quiet is what’s what.
  
• Oh light bulb over the head moment! Don’t have kids! Nip the problem in the bud before it begins. Holy crap, I must be a fucking genius; this could be the very first time anyone in the history of ever has come up with the idea of NOT having kids, especially if you’re gonna hate them! The world is already overpopulated anyway. Do everyone a favour and stop having kids that will only take up more room, kill more trees, breathe more air, and eat more food. If you absolutely must pass something along to the next generation, how about adopting an existing kid instead of making a new one? You will be helping the poor orphans in god knows what country orphans always come from AND you won’t be contributing to the utter destruction of our world.

Everyone’s so fucked in the head, it’s no wonder that the whole “the world’s going to hell in a hand basket” saying of the elderly is also true. Do you see what we’ve done? Society has acted in a way that confirms all the delusions of seniors!
Having children will lead to countless horrors. They will usher in an era of unparalleled hedonism that will be synonymous with giving god the finger. If we’re all going to hell, then our hand basket will surely be made from poor life choices…and fingernail clippings (because what could be more uncomfortable than riding in a cramped little hand basket with your mistakes and sharp little fingernail clippings).

Speaking of GOING TO HELL, here’s a short list of those who really deserve an extra small hand basket:

• Kids-not just because they’re smaller, but because they are the ones who will cause the world to be consumed by eternal hellfire. GO TO HELL.
  
• Serial killers-those sick fucks should GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.
  
• People who ignore the serving spoons in restaurants and decide to stick their utensils into the food that everyone has to share. Way to go, asshole. Sure I’d love to have your mono, who wouldn’t? GO TO HELL.
  
• Bitchy girls who like to gossip about everyone and everything and won’t stop prying into your personal life for any sort of information they could possibly spread around because their own lives are devoid of all meaning. GO TO HELL.
  
• Everyone else that I hate. I hate you. GO TO HELL.