Nerd World Order

Miyamoto, trend whore.

I am a nerd. I’ve been a nerd as far back as I can remember. As a child I was bullied at school, I had no friends and spent all my time watching TV and playing with my Lego. Eventually I got into gaming, around the time of the Super Nintendo, I also eventually ended up with some friends. When we were younger my friends and I would play video games, Magic, RISK and Dungeons & Dragons. As young adults, we do all of these things, we do all of these things a hell of a lot. Some things have changed though, we inevitably include alcohol while engaging in these pastimes. We also know a lot more people now, we go out, occasionally have girlfriends, go to bars, “party down,” that sort of thing. I’ve never worn a lampshade on my head, but I think I’m doing pretty good for myself.

All of this seems to be roughly aligned with something else I’ve noticed, gaming is becoming trendy. I’m not talking about the dumbass skaters buying X-Boxen or anything like that. I’m talking about people wearing classic gaming t-shirts involving 1 up Mushrooms and getting tattoos of Pac-Man. I’m talking about things like this amazing review (WRN: may contain images of wanglicious wang), about some kind of gamers dance club for Los Angeles’ trendies. Now it’s probably just me, but the prospect of a place where I can listen to a couple guys going fucking berserk playing remixes of Zelda music, while hitting on gamer chicks with spiky hair and boxy glasses gives me a raging hard-on. That’s why I’m on a mission. To seek out, or if need be start, an underground movement celebrating all that is nerdliness.

I want dance clubs involving dancing, grinding, drinking, all set in Princess Peaches goddamn castle. I imagine drinking out of chalices, or at least being able to order anything a Klingon might drink. The bartender better damn well dress up as Gandalf and the waitresses must wear Samus Aran costumes.

Hasran Ogress, quite the temptress.

I want Magic card battles set in dark cigar smoke-filled rooms. I want to go to a singles club where we all wander around a big D&D dungeon seeking an enchanted box of condoms. We’ll all dress up as medieval characters and perhaps Grishnak the Destroyer will woo Tipsy the Elven Cleric while on his journey. I want RISK matches to be set in grimy bars in Chinatown with a cage around the table and players while hordes of screaming Asian men bet on the winner. Mostly though, I just want a loud raucous way of celebrating all that I have come to obsess over.

I envision my movement to one day be as big as goth or emo or one of those other big high school cliques though, and a cultural movement is about more than partying. There should be clothing stores offering the latest in Magic character fashions. Squee looks damn fine, Hasran Ogress is fucking hot. What about a real music genre dedicated to game soundtracks and remixes, with an actual place in record stores?

I would imagine one day we could be exclusive snobby bastards much like the ones that once shunned us, but for now the nerd movement needs all the help it can get. So yes, you anime nerds, you Everqust geeks, you cosplayers, your Star Wars fanboys, you’re all invited. Take up your Goku wigs, your keyboards, your Sailor Moon skirts, your plastic lightsabers and join me in this most epic and noble quest. Understand of course, that the goal here is not revenge, nor to band together and just multiply our nerdliness together but to actually party the fuck out of Zebes, or Hyrule, or The Mushroom Kingdom, or whatever we come to call our brave new world.