Hello and welcome to the second season of Shufflingdead.com’s Cosplay Idol. Today, we’ll be looking at six examples of the art of cosplay, and measuring their worth based on costume authenticity, wank potential, and the horror they instill within us. Check out season one here.
sulci: So I’m guessing that you’re filing this one under hotties, Newbs. For no merit other than some gigantian mammaries. Isn’t she like 12 in the anime? If you just saw her hair you might mistake her for Ronald McDonald or something. Am I old and cynical now?
Newbs: Urrrrrgn. I’m having trouble concentrating. Hell, I’m having trouble seeing the cosplay for the breasts… Tearing myself away for a moment, I see that this young lady is holding a Pikachu, and yet she is clearly cosplaying as Misty. That is a blatant contradiction from the show, in which this character carries a Togepi. I give this woman top marks in the breast department, but she loses points for accuracy.
sulci: So here we have 3 Star Trek people. I think it’s Will Ferrell cosplaying as Data, Kari from Mythbusters cosplaying as someone I don’t know, and Will Ferrell again, this time as a mighty pasty Captain Kirk. A lot like Data, even. Hmmm.
Newbs: Actually, sulci, what we have here are three people very accurately dressed as the three Noonien type androids of Star Trek: The Next Generation. On the far left is Lore, Data’s evil brother. In the middle is Data’s short-lived daughter, the star of my all-time favourite episode of Star Trek, “The Offspring,” Lal. On the right is Mr. Data himself, the baddest ass in all the galaxy. Spectacular cosplay all around.
sulci: Finally some Sailor Moon cosplay that doesn’t include having to see the bazillionth reiteration of the famous Sailor Senshi uniform, or a last minute Tuxedo Kamen outfit. This is JunJun, a member of the Dead Moon Circus, a group of baddies from the SuperS season. I think this lady here is a prime example of the classic phrase “over the shoulder boulder holder” if I may say so. But overall I’d say its a creative and cute costume.
Newbs: JunJun here has some fine ta-tas that make me go boing-boing. I have no idea what the fuck sulci is talking about, and so I have to judge this costume based solely on the merits of its ability to present breasts, and it does so with remarkable panache. This is one of the most innovative means of displaying cleavage that I’ve ever seen. Would wank again.
sulci: You’ll have to thank Naoko Takeuchi for that awe inspiring costume design, Newbs. Moving on to another orb, I have no idea what the fuck this is. I can see his pants through the seam. And I’m glad he comes equipped with speakers at the very least.
Newbs: I can see this man’s crotch directly through the large crack in his orb. Having said that, I think the largest issue I have with this pitiful attempt at cosplaying as the Death Star from Star Wars is the absence of arms. How does this man plan on groping Sailor Jujubes without arm holes? Actually, how does he even plan on getting through any doors? And what about the bathroom? Is he planning on aiming through his crack?
sulci: Like every other interneter who has seen the movie Up by Pixar, the first time I saw this little chubby Asian kid coplaying as Russell I thought to myself, “Holy Shit.” It really is him. This is fucking epic. Look at the angle of his hat and everything. Coincidence or just pure awesomeness?
Newbs: This kid’s costume is of such high quality that I have to wonder if there was some parental pressure being applied in the fashion of Michael Jackson’s father. Was he always exactly the right weight, or was he force fed until he could achieve this singular moment of cosplaying perfection?
sulci: Okay, I take back what I said before when I said something negative about all the iterations of Sailor Senshi uniforms. Men wearing them is always acceptable. I appreciate the fine attention to detail exhibited here, such as the hair cut, pose, and booties. However, I have a few questions. Where is Sailor Mercury’s tiara? What’s he got under that skirt? And most importantly, do you think he really has cankles?? Note for next time: could have shaved.
Newbs: I have a few questions of my own, sulci. Firstly, are those sweat stains on his shoulders, or did he just wipe Cheetos grease across his costume? Also, is that facial hair, or did this man chase his cheese-flavoured snack with a brownie? I can’t even describe what an abomination of an attempt this little dress-up session is. Cosplay of Sailor Scouts is intended to provide basement dwellers like myself with late-night wank material, not fuel the energy-drink fever dreams of our days. It’s time for this middle-aged office-worker wash-out to head back to the cubicle, I’ve had enough.
Well noobs, It seems that if there are no breasts, or no Star Trek, you probably hate it when it comes to cosplay. Stay tuned for another post sometime in the far future, with your favorite column: Cosplay Idol.