A Polygonal Curtain has Descended Across the Continent

The United States, and therefore all the countries they own, is under the control of an evil empire. This would not be much of a problem except that one of the countries the U.S. has is Canada, meaning they’ve almost got a continent. I’m not going to sit idly by, let them take Mexico, and get 5 guys a turn!

It isn’t really the American’s fault. Their de-evolved minds have simply fallen for the propaganda of a league of businesses and organizations devoted to making my life a living hell. Yes, there is an entire empire, a legion if men, women and video game characters after my hot, delicious body. This unfavorable “cult” uses current U.S. Vice President, Dick Cheney as a puppet who intern uses current U.S. President, George W. Bush, as a marionette. You know, a “doll,” a real “mannequin,” “figurine,” or “moppet” if you will.

This “legion of doom” has business holdings throughout the entire world. Some of the major corporations controlled by this organization are:

• Wal-Mart
• Sony
• Microsoft
• Lycos network
• Pepsi
• Tang

Cheney, an attractive man.

This isn’t just some gang of hicks running the United States, which is commonly assumed, but a highly sophisticated organization, made up of an elite team. The infamous Leon Powalski is their leader, with Wario and Waluigi as his top advisors. This empire is ruled with an iron fist. While Powalski takes care of the important things, such as having inter-species sexual relations with the President’s wife and daughters, the Mario brother’s evil-doing counter parts make all business and military decisions.

“Zoom zoom, Italian mother fuckers!”

The only way to stop this evil empire is to join a rag-tag gang of misfits who have made it their mission to stop the spread of this dubious establishment. The unquestioned leader of this alliance is that kid from the Mazda commercials. Some might asume he is too young and weak to lead a resistance movement but any real gamer would understand an underage boy such as he is completely invincible. With the help of the other Mario brothers, Mario and Luigi, as well as backing from several governments and corporations the alliance has an excellent chance of eventually removing the empire from power, but only with your help! A few of the businesses who have sided with the alliance are:

• Nintendo
• The Hudson’s Bay Company
• Coca Cola
• TIME magazine and its affiliates
• Nintendo some more

As you can tell, I heavily favor the alliance. While I’ve always had a thing for evil empire’s, this one, by some complete fluke, contains only those corporations which I despise. Join the alliance today, email me and request a membership!