Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: Collaborative Review

Theatre Experience

Newbs: We started out at the arcade. I found House of the Dead 4 to be quite greedy with my quarters.

Katte: Newbs died by the time I acquired my tokens.

Newbs: I had been to this theatre before, and so I knew they sold pickles. But then, when I tried to purchase one, I was informed they no longer carried them.

Katte: There was an old guy behind us who became very distraught when Newbs exclaimed “they don’t have any pickles?!”

Newbs: I felt like one half of a duo of bitter old men, like those two guys in the Muppets.

Newbs: Explain what things were like inside.

Katte: Well, first of all, the popcorn was very stale. And the bathroom… was literally full of shit.

Newbs: While watching the film, I heard an old man cough himself to death. Perhaps intentionally, as a means of escape from the quality of popular culture today. Someone in front of us, while we were heckling the moving picture, in a brash outburst, demanded “are you gonna talk the whole movie?”

Katte: So we talked more quietly, but by the end, she, just like everyone else, was heckling along with us.

Offending Moments

Katte: Unless you are one of those people who trawls for YouTube videos of dogs having sex, you won’t enjoy most of the opening sequence of this movie.

Newbs: I found the numerous dog humping scenes to be hilarious, educational, and inspirational.

Katte: Some of the scenes didn’t even make sense, though.

Newbs: They seemed to just be inserted at random, as though the film makers thought so little of their audience that they assumed any representation of dog fucking would automatically be funny.

Katte: There also seemed to be an inordinate amount of swearing. I’m not against swearing, but in comparison to the last movie in this series, based on children’s toys…

Newbs: Well, it just seemed to pop up in unnecessarily offensive places. For example, Mikaela gets called a bitch by a robot. He also called her dumb. Way to be a woman hating misogynist, Michael Bay.

Katte: Megan Fox really got all her sex-symbol status from being objectified in Transformers. So I’m not really sure what to say. She’s famous because Mikaela’s a good-looking skeezebag?

Newbs: No no, you’ve got her all wrong. She’s a beautiful and talented young girl who’s had a hard life with a deadbeat father. She just needs a strong boning.

Katte: I don’t think Shia LaBeouf’s Sam Witwicky could administer a strong boning.

Newbs: No, and neither could Bay’s representation of the Democrats.

Katte: I like how they added in the clip naming Obama as the current president.

Newbs: And then proceeded to inform us that Obama could only hide while “the worst terrorist attack since 9/11″ was going on. What was Bush doing on 9/11, again?

Newbs: Reading children’s stories.

Katte: Not to mention Obama’s representative amongst the armed forces was a total jerk-face. And a pussy.

Newbs: Or that “negotiating with the enemy” was an automatic recipe for failure and spelled destruction for humanity.

Catastrophically Offensive Moments

Katte: I am sure any mother, any woman, knows what a pot leaf looks like. So then why is Sam Witwicky’s mother such a dumbass? Not only that, but apparently a two six of hard liquor plus some prescription meds equals a pot brownie.

Newbs: I’m not qualified to say for certain, but her little trip seemed unrealistic for what marijuana supposedly does.

Katte: Extremely unrealistic. But to all the right-wing conservatives, it’s probably the perfect example of why the war on drugs is justified. Despite the fact she just looks drunk.

Newbs: Apparently, tasers are good clean fun.

Katte: Never mind all the people dying from being tasered, let’s tase each other’s nuts!

Newbs: And rape women with little robots.

Katte: Just in case you need the example of robot-leg copulation that this movie provides.

Newbs: My eyes were tea-bagged by the on-screen presence of Transformer BALLS.

Katte: Ah yes, good old “enemy scrotum.”

Characters

Newbs: The Leo Spitz character existed simply as a cheap parody of Shia LaBeouf from the first cinematic feature Transformers.

Katte: Obviously to prove how much spiffier, and generally more macho, the Sam Witwicky in this movie was than his former self.

Newbs: I was overcome with emotion when Sam grew up, as if before my eyes, through the engrossing character development that occurred during the course of the film.

Katte: The way characters interacted throughout was so terribly stilted, so terribly scripted, so terribly acted…it was just terrible. In general.

Newbs: Weren’t you moved when Sam realized he had to be a man, and his parents realized they had to let him go in order for him to grow up?

Katte: Not really. His parents played polar opposites at each end of the movie. His mother sniveled in the beginning and his father whined at the end.

Newbs: Racism.

Katte: I suppose what Newbs is trying to say, is that the only new Autobots introduced with any depth are racist representations.

Newbs: One of them couldn’t read! And they spoke in Ebonics! And one of them had a gold tooth! Jesus Christ. And gaps in their teeth!

Katte: They also had weird droopy eyes and they looked like rodents in their transformed state.

Plot

Newbs: This was half an hour of story stretched to nearly three hours.

Katte: The main fight, Optimus Prime vs. Transformer Voldemort, had two and a half hours of movie leading up to it and was over in a matter of seconds.

Newbs: Sam found that pile of dust, the Matrix of Leadership, awfully easily, considering it was supposed to be so well hidden that all the Fallen couldn’t find it. Somehow, him and his crew of specially abled robots just bumped into a wall and got it.

Katte: I especially enjoyed the moment where Sam died, but was disappointed and horrified when he awoke in the motherfucking robot afterlife. Then when he wakes back up in reality, robot magic! The Matrix is whole again. (After being smashed to smithereens of course).

Final Reactions

Newbs: I walked out doubting the survivability of the human race.

Katte: All I really heard from him was shouted expletives over how horrible of a movie it was.

Newbs: I’ve seen many bad movies, but I can usually laugh at them. This movie made me angry. I was horrified that such an aberration could even exist, let alone make so much money.

Katte: It was a terrible movie at a terrible theatre with no pickles. The company was sympathetic, at least.

Newbs: Thank you for the lovely evening.