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A Rational Response to Riots

September 3, 2009 Politics No Comments

“I’m here to kick ass and chew bubble gum– and I ain’t looting any bubblegum ’til Thursday.” – Anonymous

There seems little point in focusing on any individual riot for a better perspective on the subject; after all, one doesn’t look at a particular painting to judge the merit of fine art. Thus, I turn this article over to a more diffused, general look at opinions and facts about riots the world over. The following is the result of my rational, well-navigated research.


The name “riot” comes from Doug Q. Riot, inventor of the aglet. The concept of wide-spread civilian discord was named in his honour after he was trampled to death.

“Riots aren’t about violence, or college angst, or looting— that’s a misconception. What riots are about is change– always necessary though not always for the better. Now, that said, my living room just wasn’t complete until I got that Lazyboy.” – Riot Expert Chip Macathaway

The Egyptians believed that riots were caused by the excrement of Ra hitting the city from the sky beyond the clouds. This myth was turned into the television program Stargate: Atlantis.

Studies show that only 12% of riots are caused by “The Man.” Scientists aren’t sure what, exactly, causes the other 88%, but they’re pretty sure smoking has something to do with it.

“If I could start a riot at a country music festival, I would die happy. So would Tim McGraw.” – Garth Metley

On November 28, 2008, there were riots at the Black Friday Sale at Wal-Mart. One employee was trampled to death and four others, including a pregnant woman, were taken to the hospital. Many of the crowd were rushing towards a half-off plasma screen television, and would not let any poor unprepared soul get in their way. We all know what that means. Next year, you need to bring a knife to the Wal-Mart Black Friday Day sale if you want that t.v. Bring your A-Game.

“A late party becomes an early riot.” – Confucius

Two years ago a group in the midwest published a study on the national percentage of casualties in non-gang related riots. These are their findings:

Children… …30%
Men (over 45)… …3%
Men (under 45)… …2%
Women (over 45)… …5%
Women (under 45)… …3%
Women (shoe-related riots)… …24%*
Nerds… …15%
Jocks… …(Unknown. Sent out questionnaires, was sent back a Playboy where every chick has a dick Photoshopped on)
Parrots… …(0.5%)
Faith in Mankind… …unquantifiable, like the loss of a child’s love.

* Curiously, most deaths of this type are not the result of trampling or suffocation, but of bludgeoning and stabbings, the wounds from which correspond to the season’s hottest fashion.

“I can resist anything but rage. Hardcore, cold-burning fury. Fuck all y’all.” Oscar Wilde

Rioters’ favourite song (as decided by unanimous vote) – Detroit Rock City.

It was reported at this year’s ComicCon that Twilight writer, Stephenie Meyer, would include a riot in the script for the next Twilight movie. When reached for question, Twilight Star Robert Pattinson replied: “Why not? She’s already figuratively stomped all over the vampire myth, might as well make it literal. God I hate her so much. I mean, I get money and women and cocaine from the hairdressers, but… I don’t know, man. I just don’t know.”

The first riot likely occurred over ownership of the wheel. That or Rodney King’s handling by the LAPD. This event was covered in-depth by that one episode of the Flintstones (Episode #403, “Molostone Cocktail”, guest-starring Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson).

Riot Tech Inc. has developed the “Riot Cape” set for mass production in early 2011. A statement from Riot Tech reads as follows: “We predict that this will raise the coolness of riots by approximately 14% by the year 2013. That said, these capes are in limited supply, and only the first three hundred customers will get the bonus second cape free of charge. They say that the stores open at nine, but they’re probably just holding out on you, letting the employees have the pick of the litter before you, the paying customer get your chance. You gonna take that?”

“The man who likes riots has a small penis indeed.” – Confucius

The first riot in recorded history was begun by Jesus of Nazareth. Roman Emperor Biggus, in response, commanded each follower of Jesus to wear a thread of wooden beads and roam the land bare-chested, so the sun might teach them meekness. The name of this punishment: Mvrti Grvus.

Over the last few months, nerds have not only seen a massive change in the rules of popular, life-affirming card game Magic: the Gathering, but they have also been forced to endure the upcoming changes to World of Warcraft in the newest expansion, Cataclysm. Many say that this is a “perfect storm” of nerd rage, with police seeing a flood of new graffiti covering EBGames across the nation. Such slogans as “Stack THIS,” “More like GAYblin Warriors!”, “More like the GAYttlefield!”, and “The idea that Night Elves would use arcane magic after (continued on other side of store),” have forced many parents to cover their children’s eyes as they pick up the new copy of Pok√©mon Ranger Dungeon Aquamarine released this week. When asked what measures police were taking against possible geek riots, Police Chief Lug Manstrong looked me in the eyes, cracked a beer and said, “Been a while since we pantsed us some nerdlingers, eh babe?”

He preceded to slap his wife’s posterior, run a hand through his gel-spiked hair, and took off down the road in the Cadillac his dad’s money bought him.

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