The Future of Gaming

As an avid console gamer, I like to keep up on what the future holds for my favourite industry. I’ve compiled several ideas, all very real, which console makers have recently patented, and I would like to use this article to ruminate on the possibilities of each of these innovations.

Nintendo’s Gamer Assist

Source: Computer-readable storage medium patent

Explanation: With this patent, Nintendo hopes to make their already laughably easy Legend of Zelda games even easier by allowing gamers to view clips illustrating the steps necessary for progression in the games when they become stuck. The image makes it obvious that Zelda is in mind for use with this technology, and actually, other images included in this filing reference the name of a game called “Legend of OO.”

Potential: I think this idea has great potential. Despite what I said earlier, it allows Nintendo to actually up the difficulty of its games without worrying that inexperienced gamers would find them too hard. Additionally, this will hopefully be the end of my tendency to become frustrated by some completely obvious puzzle from early on in each Zelda game.

Will it actually be released? Definitely. This technology is reportedly included in New Super Mario Bros. Wii, coming out Christmas 2009.

Sony’s Emotion Detector

Source: Sony Patents Emotion Detecting Software For Games

Explanation: With this technology, Sony seeks to create games which respond to the emotions of the user. A microphone and camera detect the sounds and movements of the player, and in return, the system may come to better understand its human master. Although the PlayStation 3 may ultimately know why you cry, it will never itself be capable of crying.

Potential: Sony doesn’t need to study their consumers to know what makes them laugh, they’ve already got humour nailed down. Look, just look, at that damn image. A man turns a crank which powers a self-ass-kicking machine. Ha Ha Ha. Having said that, I think this idea has a lot of potential. Interactive story telling is something which has never been properly explored in gaming and this could certainly be used to help in that regard.

Will it actually be released? The threat of Natal looms large for Sony, so I’m going to say yes.

Nintendo Edutainment

Source: New Nintendo patent “Edutainment”?

Explanation: I’m not entirely certain how Nintendo can patent what amounts to a series of edutainment mini-games, but that’s what’s detailed in this patent. In some instances, a child plays matching games using recognizable Nintendo mascots. In the image displayed here, a child learns about making his damn bed because mommy was out late last night and now she has to call a cab for her bed-jumping buddy. With this technology, a child may actually learn from Mario’s example as he acts out the process of making a bed. When I was a child, the only thing I learned from Mario was to avoid banana peels while driving a go-cart.

Potential: I could see kids playing this.

Will it actually be released? Not only will it be released, it will sell 4 million copies, and I’m not being hyperbolic.

Nintendo Horse Riding

Source: Nintendo’s Patented Horseback Riding Wii Controller

Explanation: This device attaches to the Wii Remote to simulate horseback riding. When sketching this idea, Nintendo felt they should attempt to be inclusive and use a little person as a model. Unfortunately, they were unable to resist demeaning him, and depicted their model wearing toddler’s clothing while riding a horsey. Either that, or the artist forgot that baldness does not regularly inflict six year olds.

When I was a kid, I had to defend my Super Nintendo and its “sweat rather than blood” version of Mortal Kombat. When I was a teenager, I had to defend my GameCube’s purple colouring. As an adult, I must now defend a company which regards the equivalent of riding a wooden horse as something marketable to adults.

Potential: Only as a sex toy.

Will it actually be released? No, because Nintendo is too pussy to make a sex toy.

What others are saying: “That kid is literally wearing a onesie.” – lawblob