June 29th, 2009 by 
Overview
Gamers are some of the whiniest people you will ever meet. Actually, I mean to say that gamers are some of the whiniest people you will ever encounter on the internet. It’s unlikely that you’ll ever meet one, since, well, gamers don’t leave their homes. I know, because I’m a gamer, and sometimes I forget what the sky looks like. Gamer whine when a sequel gets made to their favourite game and, as such, tarnishes that original in some imagined way. Gamers whine when a sequel to their favourite game is never made, because then they can’t give away as much of their otherwise useless disposable income.
Gamers whine when a new game isn’t coming to their favourite console, and they really whine when a game is coming to their most hated console. For the gaming community of 2009, no console is more hated than the Wii. You see, the Wii continues to sell incredibly well, and bring new (scary) people to gaming, an industry which, much like its most loyal customers, is in need of a shower and a bit of physical exertion.
As such, when High Voltage Software announced that they would be making a first person shooter for the Wii with actual effort put into its development, gamers whined. The Wii isn’t supposed to be the console of shooting people, it’s supposed to be the console of six year olds mesmerized by Mario’s smiling face, and of 90 year olds, jumping around trying to play Wii Sports. Or so gamers will tell you, because maligning a console is much easier than accepting change or diversity.
Alright, I’m not really speaking for all gamers. There are a few out there, crazier, more demented, more brain-washed, more unbalanced than the rest, the Nintendorks (of which I am one). Worshippers of Nintendo for the life-nurturing warmth which it offers, these Nintendrones certainly did not complain when The Conduit was announced. Rather, they cried tears of joy, and lauded the game as the second coming of Perfect Dark. For Nintendolts, the mere announcement of the game was like mana from heaven.
I will now attempt to review this long awaited game in an attempt to determine which side of this ridiculous internet battle turned out to be correct.
Sometimes, you scan the walls.
Art, Graphics, and Sound
The makers of The Conduit are bold and ballsy, and have dared to do something which no developer outside of Nintendo themselves has dared, to make a game with graphics superior to a sub-par PS2 game. Incredibly, High Voltage succeeds. For the sake of winning fanboy wars on internet message boards, gamers have tended to knock The Conduit’s graphics as wildly inferior to those found on the 360 and PS3. Not surprisingly, they’re correct. Yet, The Conduit looks great when you consider the more reasonable metric of other Wii games (even Nintendo games), and as such, The Conduit succeeds in the realm of appearance.
Innovation Factor
FPSes are like football sims: the only things that ever change are the number of polygons on screen and the resolution of the textures on those polygons. Ultimately, it’s still Madden screaming commentary, or the Allied hero, as the case may be. In a genre filled with unimaginative cloning, The Conduit stands as the most derivative and uninspired sameness available. In the near future, aliens are invading, and you, a one man army, must defend Washington DC. In the process, you must shoot down the interlopers and their human bodyguards, uncovering the secrets of this invasion as you advance.
Sometimes, you shoot the aliens.
Gameplay
As I’ve said, The Conduit is as derivative as a game can get, and its appeal is not in its story or the broader terms of its gameplay, but in its control scheme. The Conduit’s controls are truly something exciting. Rather than the clumsy dual-analog affairs of the 360, and away from the uncomfortable desk chair of the PC, lies the exacting Wii remote pointer, held in the hand of someone comfortably resting on a couch. The controls are also fully customizable, and so any inconveniences players find in the default control layout can be corrected.
Last-ability and Re-playability
The Conduit’s single player consists of nine linear levels, five difficulties, a few achievements and collectables, and nothing else. The campaign is fun enough, and without anything more appealing like TimeSplitters’ Challenges, going back for the collectibles is a not un-enjoyable way to do some gaming. The Conduit’s ambitious online component is more robust than anything else available on any Nintendo system, although I’ve lost every match I’ve competed in.
Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Played
Go ahead and pick up the collectibles in the single player if you see them, even if you’re not trying to get them all right away. It’s not all or none.
Overall
The Conduit is pretty fun. It’s not revolutionary, and it’s certainly not worthy of the hundreds of angry internet wars it’s spawned, but it’s worth giving a try.
Final Score:
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