The Industry of Hell, Part 1: The Companies are Mentally Deficient

There are very few things which I am actually qualified to do. I don’t have the training or skills to drive a car, operate on people, tie the ends of balloons and pretty much everything else that people do. I have, however, spent uncountable hours sitting in front of my computer studying every aspect of the video game console industry. As sad as this sounds to even myself, I spend at least an hour a day reading, thinking about and discussing video games. That doesn’t even count the occasional day I’ll spend doing basically nothing but. Even sadder than that, I spend far less time actually playing games. This obsession I have with all things gaming visually qualifies me as an industry expert. In an article of four parts I will be discussing every aspect of this industry which enchants me so. Before I begin, I should mention that I don’t know a damn thing about computer gaming, and will not be, at any point, discussing it whatsoever. Without further ado, I present to you: The Industry of Hell.

It’s surprisingly difficult to become anyone important in the video game industry. You have to be either old, senile or have never played a video game. Let’s look at who runs the “big three” home console game companies.

Nintendo – Satoru Iwata
Some time ago Nintendo’s mighty president Hiroshi Yamauchi “retired” and was “replaced” by this hippy. He doesn’t exactly look old but miraculous business decisions like “NO ONE WILL EVER WANT TO PLAY GAMES ONLINE” and “MAKING MORE ADD-ON’S FOR THE GAMECUBE WILL HELP SELL IT” prove he’s more senile than even Yamauchi.

Sony – Nobuyuki Idei
Three seconds of research lead me to the conclusion that this man is Sony’s CEO. I have no idea how much of a hand he has in the game department itself. Let’s face it though, he’s old.

Microsoft – Bill Gates
Maybe Mr. Gates isn’t exactly old or senile, but the only game he’s ever played is called “Hey a tech industry we don’t control? Let’s invade!”

To become one of the people who makes the games it’s a little easier, you need to be able to contribute in some fashion to the making of a game, and entirely ignore quality of work in exchange for money. Let’s say you run a third party developing house and are interested in producing a game for a console. But what console to choose? Well if none of the big three will throw any extra cash your way then you’ll make your game for the Playstation 2 because it has the largest user base. It doesn’t matter that the Playstation 2 is outdated or that it’s difficult to program for. Sure, making your game for one of the other two consoles would have meant being able to put more man hours into improving the game instead of spending them on things like figuring out how to utilize the PS2′s architecture so that your game isn’t filled with slowdown and jaggies, but hey, money is money. Don’t forget, graphics are everything too, play mechanics and realistic physics be damned! The good news is, you decide when your game comes out. Sure, it’s nice to release your game around Christmas, but it’s done when it’s done.

If you work directly for one of the big three then your job is a little more simple. Your game will be done whenever the company needs it to be done. What’s that? Another 24 and you’ll make it so people can actually beat the fucking runner in Ocarina of Time and… oh. oh. be rewarded 50 rupees, sorry, guess the player will just have to spend half his 7th grade year trying to figure out how to beat him. If we don’t release this game right now our company will go out of business before we can invent a thing called “Pokemon” and we’ll never be able to live off of it for ten years.

Every company involved in the video game industry makes absolutely illogical decisions every chance it gets. What designer decided the X-Box controller should be the size of a watermelon, what many game testers approved its design? How many analysts and marketers did it take to decide the Gamecube should be purple? When did Sony realize that it’s PS2 should really have duel processors?

Or how about Nintendo and Sega’s choices to constantly come up with new add-ons for their consoles. No add-on for any console has every been successful. But again and again they have chosen to not include certain features with their consoles and later released add-ons which made the feature available. Add-ons were a huge part of Sega’s downfall, reliance on the ability to release add-on’s down the road allowed Nintendo to release the N64, the console which took Nintendo from market dominance to third place by the time the next generation of consoles were released.

A perfect example of industry retardation on all parts would be Nintendo’s sale of it’s second party developer Rare. Rare had saved Nintendo’s ass a couple of times during the life of the N64 but hadn’t done much in awhile. Rare’s contract with Nintendo was up and Nintendo decided to sell it’s biggest second party developer to Microsoft for some massive sum of money. Rare’s intelligence is questionable for not making a sellable game in a few years. Nintendo displays a good bit of the moronic because it could really have used Rare’s games on the Gamecube. Microsoft shows the biggest ineptitude for giving Nintendo tons of money for a company which is infamous for deciding it shouldn’t do anything for five years because it can’t get the fur of its many furry characters to look right.

Then there’s marketing. Sony’s stance on marketing is fairly reasonable. They advertise nice things the PS2 does like play DVD’s but mostly just push the fact that it has an absolutely huge game library. Nintendo and Microsoft have taken slightly different approaches, however. Nintendo just plain doesn’t advertise enough, they do sponsor some contests and have pretty entertaining ads, but the just don’t show them enough. They only advertise their biggest games and don’t help out any of the exclusive second or third party games, games which could really help Nintendo rid itself of that “kiddy” image. Nintendo gets this annoying kiddy image from it’s rivals, mostly Microsoft. Microsoft’s advertising revolves around targeting the lowest common denominator. “Look at our console it has games with big robots that blow each other up and chicks with big tits that play volleyball! Don’t forget our console is also big and manly where that Gamecube is small and purple and is for gay faggy fagots and little kids!”

All in all, everyone involved in the production of consoles and their games is a complete moron who lacks any understanding of the world of gaming.