The 2000s in Games

Continuing my series on the 2000s in review, I come now to video games. As the decade dawned, gaming was facing one of its darkest periods. The SEGA Dreamcast, released in 1998, and the first of the sixth generation of consoles, was about to be smashed without remorse by one of the most insidious forces in gaming history. One spring morning, the PlayStation 2 descended upon Japan, and SEGA’s last great hope was silenced. That black monolith of evil known as the PS2 began its reign of shame that day, and gamers of the world suffered under it for much of the rest of the decade.

Hidden by the long shadow of the PS2, two other company’s consoles eked out their lives. Microsoft nurtured a small but deadly force for evil under the X-Box banner which would mature six years later and be called the 360. Nintendo kept quality gaming alive with its GameCube and GameBoy Advance systems, carefully plotting revenge against the game industry’s interlopers.

Microsoft’s November 2005 attack seemed to be the stuff of madness: each 360 was designed to fail, and precious resources were wasted crashing against Sony’s impregnable Japanese stronghold. Nevertheless, the 360 managed to strike hard at Sony’s North American operation and wound Sony deeply. Nintendo worked from within Japan to weaken Sony through the handheld front: the DS launched in November of 2004 and quietly began to heal the Sony infected. Two years later, Nintendo would make its true intentions clear with one of the most honourable acts in gaming history. They forged a godslayer console called Wii, and in November of 2006, the struck Sony down, ending the reign of the PS2 and easily casting aside Sony’s puny counterattack, the PS3.

With Sony gone, Nintendo has spent the remainder of the decade battling Microsoft. Although untouchable in Japan, Nintendo continues to deal with the brainwashed American gamers and their lust for bald space marines.

Best System of the Decade: Nintendo DS

In the 2000s, Nintendo released numerous impeccable systems, but the DS, with its deep library of innovative games, stands tallest. Onlookers lacking in respect for Nintendo’s divine vision at first questioned the design decisions of the system. With two screens, a touch screen, and a microphone, the DS was like nothing before it, but Nintendo’s team of worship-worthy game designers found exciting new gameplay in every corner.

Whether it was drawing on maps in Zelda, blowing off sludge in Mario Kart, or tapping for speed in Kirby, gamers witnessed the definition of fun wherever Nintendo took them on the DS.

Worst System of the Decade: X-Box 360

The evil of the PS2 is undeniable, but at least the console succeeded in part because of quality, rather than pure market manipulation. I have selected the 360 as the worst system of the decade because a system’s value is ultimately decided by its software library and hardware reliability.

The 360 is host to nothing but the worst in gaming: a library of overhyped, uninspired shooters featuring muscle-bound, shaved head space marines with a lust for alien blood. The system is designed for 20-something-year-old men with too much money, desperate to prove their own masculinity. They have been trained by Microsoft to replace designed-to-break 360s as frequently as every few months, just to play games with perceived manliness like Gears of War.

Best Game of the Decade: Super Mario Galaxy

It goes without saying that the best game of the decade should go to something made by Nintendo. The developer has spent the decade innovating with a stream of brilliantly crafted systems and games. The Nintendo systems of the decade, the GameCube, GBA, Wii, and DS all did their share in fighting the war against thick-necked fratboy influence. However, as I have argued, it was the Wii which ultimately took back the industry and reintroduced quality to the masses.

Super Mario Galaxy was released in 2007 and proved to the world that Mario was still one of the great game franchises around, it was fun to play, fun to look at, and oozed innovative gameplay from every mushroom and Star Bit. Galaxy was Nintendo’s startling, revolutionary pronouncement to the world: “motion controls are here, they work, they’re awesome, and space marines can fucking suck it.”

Worst Game of the Decade: Halo: Combat Evolved

Released on my seventeenth birthday, way back in 2001, Halo: Combat Evolved legitimized that absurd Microsoft venture known as the X-Box. Through sheer marketing force, this uninspired Goldeneye clone snowballed through popular consciousness to become something revered, buzzed about, and sought after. It kept the X-Box alive for months while nothing else of note came out for the system, and allowed Microsoft to slowly grow mindshare for its console among frat boys and all the other morons of North America.

The game has done more to damage the industry than any other. It was the lone agent which infiltrated the industry for Microsoft, propped the door open, and waved all of its space-marine buddies in for one destructive party. It created today’s standard for “hardcore” (that is to say, idiot-approved) games: a big budget, space marines, guns, and unoriginal gameplay.