Hit the jump for the what was the live blog coverage. Relive the pain.
All times are Mountain.
8:05: And that concludes Shufflingdead’s live coverage of the SpikeTV VGAs. I can’t believe I’ve endured this ass for another year. Goodnight.
8:02: Game of the Year goes to… Red Dead Redemption. Fuck you Spike, fuck you everyone.
8:00: Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception premier now. Nathan Fillion needs to streak for this.
7:59: CoD: Black Ops dude has won character of the year. It must have been the unique combination of facial hair and guns.
7:58: SSX: Dudebro Descent. Jesus Fucking Christ. Time to snap your copies of the old games. This franchise has been chewed by Master Chief and shit out by Codblops.
7:52: SSX Deadly Descent premier on now. Is this a CoD game? WHAT. THE. FUCK.
7:52: Just 9 minutes left. Hope you’ve got your heads shaved and oiled, your broheims signed into Live, and your brews loaded in your hat. Time to save the world braaaahs.
7:49: Yes Nathan Fillion! Oh no, he’s talking about Halo. Yes, his mic isn’t working and he looks pissed! This is awesome.
7:47: TMZ skit. This is kind of not terrible.
7:46: It won’t be long now. I only have to endure 14 more minutes of ads for bro-bro-bros.
7:42: Christ have we had some awkward moments on this show. Monaghan excusing bad jokes by stating he’s reading them. Chiklis hoisting a hot woman in a short skirt back stage. What are these people paid to be there?
7:41: Yes, a fucking hobbit is on screen! Dominic Monaghan sounds like he gargles with razor blades. Is he trying to turn himself into a space marine? Forza 4 premier/ad.
7:36: Michael Chiklis is talking about Red Dead Redemption. Oh sweet relief, more music. I needed the break.
7:34: Is this over yet? I need a shower. I also need to quietly reflect on my hobby and whether or not it reflects me as a person. I don’t think I’m sweaty/gritty/angry/ripped enough for this stuff.
7:30 Time to hammer through some categories. Winners: Need for Speed, Scott Pilgrim, Mass Effect 2, Rock Band 3, DJ Hero 2. With all the ads, I guess they didn’t have time to give those categories any real screen time.
7:28: NPH is singing about dead game characters. Wow an NBA Elite joke that actually hit.
7:28: Breaking news! Portal 2 has been announced Most Anticipated Game. Something other than a total bro game! Oh wait, they’ve got a premier video for it. Now I understand.
7:26: Spike is now running ads for their programing inside their programing, talking about tie-in products. I think xzibit would have something to say about this.
7:23: Best Indie Game goes to Limbo.
7:22: Guillermo is on stage now! He’s talking intelligently! And insulting the bullshit promoted on the show! He just introduced a game he is working on called inSANE.
7:21: Harris is singing an Angry Birds song. Oh no, animal cruelty is about to commence. Uhh… yeah this is another awkward joke.
7:14: Tony Hawk has been dusted off for another go. He’s introducing Prototype 2.
7:10: Best Performance by a Human Male, presented by a woman who cannot read. Nominees are actor who isn’t there, actor who isn’t there, actor who isn’t there, actor who isn’t there, NPH, actor who isn’t there, and actor who isn’t there. NPH wins. Huh, I wonder how that happened.
7:09: Dane’s back. Woods, “Woody,” is the next character, from CoD.
7:07: Kratos and Hades are doing something. Frankly, I can’t even follow this show any more. I’ve lost the will to focus my eyes.
7:05: Hey, smack talk guy is now on stage and making masturbation and pot jokes.
7:04: What always astounds me about this show is that forumites across the internet get duped by the hype and tune in for all the game reveals that have been promoted. Then they actually watch the thing and it turns out to be the same poorly run bro-fest as always.
7:02: Finally, a custom Jeep for gamers. Just what I always wanted. Now I can crawl out of my man cave, four-wheel-it to the country, roll in some mud, slam brews, charm hotties, play catch with my dog, and game.
7:00: What the fuck is Dane Cook talking about now? Oh, John Marston of Red Dead Redemption.
6:59: Next world premier is Resistance 3. I can’t wait to exchange my hard earned dollars for all these AAA, well produced bro games. Soon everyone will see that I love mature games, which will translate into signs of my mature masculinity. Truly, saving the world from aliens over and over again, following scripted gameplay events, and shooting things while sporting a 5’o’clock shadow is the be-all end-all of this art form.
6:56: NPH and Olivia Munn are doing a between-award skit. Jokes written, jokes recited. Munn confesses to eating hotdogs to inspire boners.
6:54 Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Cast reciting jokes. They’re presenting best shooter. CoD Black Ops wins.
6:46: Moustache man confused on stage before video cuts in. Looks like the company’s next game is another Mass Effect. 3.
6:44 Pedo-stache alert. Talking BioWare.
6:44: Some guy talking back stage at trash talking. This is worth watching. I’ve seen more interesting commentary on YouTube broadcast from parents’ basements (mine).
6:40: Wow, Denise Richards is there. What ever happened to her? Oh! NPH is hosting, and he was in Starship Troopers with her. My Chemical Romance performing.
6:35: Let’s see: AC Brotherhood has a 91% on GameRankings. SMG2 has a 97%. Hmm.
6:33: Greatest Game Hero ad for Spike’s website just featured voice over work of woman pronouncing Samus as “Same-us.” Ugh.
6:32 Best action adventure game (braces for Nintendo robbery). Bro game, bro game, bro game, and Super Mario Galaxy 2 are up. Yeah, Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood just won.
6:31: Thor: God of Thunder is running on screen, and how (poorly).
6:30: Oh, Dane’s back. This time Kratos is the man meat being promoted for Character of the Year. Ah, female objectification is really getting this guy’s points across.
6:27: NPH making games-to-porn title jokes. Yeah, drunk.
6:26: Some curly haired dude is on stage surrounded by men cloaks. Oh, it’s for the world premier for Elder Scrolls V
6:19: I hate Dane Cook.Ah, he’s there intro embarrassing promos for the Character of the Year award. Talking Assassin’s Creed character. Ugh.
6:17: Olivia Munn is on The Daily Show now? Wow, I’m out of touch. Studio of the year goes to… BioWare. Oh, and the BioWare guys are actually there to thank their fans. Take a shower and have a coffee.
6:12: Here come the in-program commercials. Batman: Arkham City rolling now. Take a drink.
6:08: NPH shilling for Kinect hardcore. Crowd shot of Guillermo del Toro. More hints of legitimacy? Neil’s jokes sucking hard thus far. I think he’s drunk already.
6:06: Oh good, we’ve already been promised first looks by a pile of bro games. Prep your drinks.
6:05: Opening with a song and dance number by men in white tuxes. Trying to look legit, Spike? Oh, wait, NPH shows up and corrects that “misstep” with gunfire.
6:00: We’re three minutes away from the annual VGA disaster train. Watch this page for ongoing updates throughout the show.
Click here to view the rules for the official Shufflingdead VGA drinking game.
Image: SpikeTV Video Game Awards logo.