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I Just Solved the Obesity Crisis. Thanks, Ubisoft.

December 3, 2011 Games No Comments
Assassin's Creed

Image: Assassin's Creed. Ubisoft.

I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood in preparation for Revelations, and I had a rather interesting thought during my playthrough. There are only about three people in the entire world of the game that appear even the least bit overweight. Oh sure, you could blame this on the starving peasant class of the Middle Age setting of the game, but I’m not so sure that’s the reason.

The entire world, every city, countryside and building, is completely inaccessible by any reasonable means. Traversing the world is one giant obstacle course. If you want to go kill that unsuspecting guard at the top of that tower, do you know how you have to get to him? Fucking climb. No elevator. Not even stairs. Yeah. You CLIMB that tower by hand and get up there and do your murdering.

If you have a meeting with a thief on the other side of the city in five minutes and you can’t miss it, you climb a ladder and start jumping over rooftops and you don’t stop for freaking anything. If a guard gives you any grief over wandering over the rooftops, you just jump faster. If cities all over the world adopted the planning methods and architecture of Ubisoft’s interpretation of Rome, we could end the ‘obesity crisis’ that the media keeps hitting us with. Picture this: that thief you have to meet? He is now an important client that you need to give that presentation to today. That guard you need to kill that I mentioned earlier? He’s your mindless four-hour TV session after you get off work. Getting to either is now a huge workout.

If everyone’s basic day could be one giant workout, if exercising was something you had to do to get from point A to point B, I think we’d all end up in a lot better shape.

So city planners and architects, school principals and office managers, make the inside of the schools and office buildings jungle-gyms or obstacle courses you need to navigate to get anywhere. No taking the elevator two fucking floors anymore. You take some stairs and jump through some windows. Then go over the rooftops and drop down through another window. And then leap over a gap using a series of wooden beams and monkey bars.

Maybe we could all pick up fake Italian accents, too…

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