E3 Makes Me Tingly
Last week, the gaming world’s version of hot sex, E3, ended. E3, or the Electronics Entertainment Exposition, is known for revealing all the secrets hidden deep within the gaming scene, this year was no exception. More than this though, it provides an excellent vantage point to make wild predictions about the future and fill all of your cute little eyes with harsh black text.
The first thing to be noted is the demise of Microsoft’s little aborted fetus, the X-Box. With lagging sales in North America and absolutely horrific sales both in Japan and Europe, I here by officially declare the X-Box dead. Some might say it was poor marketing, a complete lack of games or generally bad management on Microsoft’s part, but I know the real reason for this “tragic” loss. ‘Twas I! Using my website’s tremendous reach to the populous at large and the infamous posters which I crafted, as well as my manipulation of the Playstation 2 fan base I brought the Box o’ Death to it’s knees. Now, maybe I don’t deserve all the credit. I would like to thank the legion of Nintendo fanboy’s who’s tireless efforts helped finally put an end to what will always be remembered as the SHIT WHOLE EVIL AS WAL MART-Box.
As I just said, part of the reason for my success came from manipulation of the Playstation 2 fan base. You may recall from the last time I wrote one of these so called “gaming” articles that I appealed to the PS2 “crew,” as well as the Nintendo-ites to fight their now defunct rival, X-Box. I thank you, PS2 loving Nazi’s because I’ll never get a chance to again. You see, with the X-Box gone, I can now concentrate all of my forces on fighting you. That’s right, and you can not stop me! I am but a writer, inspiring the endless masses of die hard Nintendo fanboy’s who’s very lives will be put on the line to see the end of your so called “game system.”
E3 isn’t just about wars between savage fanboys, it’s mostly about Nintendo showing off games they completed months ago but have decided to release two to three years in the future. I will now talk about some of the games for the Gamecube which will be released sometime between now and the return of the Soviet Union.
The Legend of Zelda
When people first saw this game they started having gruesome fantasies involving the mutilation of every Nintendo employee on earth. However, moods have changed. With incredibly fast action and smooth graphics, the next installment of the Zelda franchise will make the die hard “I WON’T PLAY THIS IT LOOKS LIKE IT’S FOR 2 YEAR OLDS!” bigots weep and cry out in pain.
Super Mario Sunshine
It’s Mario. Mario could swallow Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, and Sonic all at once.
Metroid Prime
Have you seen this game? Get all of the videos. NOW! The anticipation for this game makes random bodily fluids run down the sides of my legs. I now have more dreams about this game than I do sex dreams or even those dreams where I run around in public jerking off my “man hood” which somehow is 2′ long.
As you can see, the competition is screwed. The three games featured above are some of the most anticipated in history. Every one of them is guaranteed to look and play amazingly, as well as sell. Obviously, since I didn’t happen to notice any articles talking about Playstation 2 games, it means there aren’t any coming out. I’m sorry you Rosie O’Donnel loving, diaper fetish, cosplaying anal stretchers, your system will soon be envied by no one save the Dreamcast.
Recent Comments