D&D Record of Adventures #1

Good evening, enraptured readers! This marks the beginnings of the Shufflingdead.com Dungeons & Dragons Record of Adventures! Here we will inscribe the tales of our many adventures in the worlds and dungeons which hover upon the edges of reality in the minds of several esteemed Dungeon Masters!

This particular story stems from the mouth of none other than Shufflingdead founder, Newbs. The tale begins with the introduction of the four characters: Francis Feeble (Weskimo), Hermia Feeble (DMUSER), Derek Blacksoul (Quaid), and the voluptuous Volumnius (Psycho_Limey).

The adventure begins in the nation of Regolith, which is weak, failing, and being violently raped on three borders. Our “heroes” have grown up in poverty in the capital of Moncalari. Very recently, the capital was overrun, courtesy of the suck that your country’s sissy soldiers were able to deliver, and our team fled north with a refugee caravan, the cost of which completely emptied our already meager pockets.

En route to the northern city of Mosely, our caravan was attacked and overwhelmed by a rat swarm. Our four protagonists stole a wagon with two horses and made haste in the direction of a faint green tinge on the horizon in the night sky. Underneath this haze, we came upon a small town and, exhausted, collapsed into a small abandoned peasant’s shack and fell asleep.

As dawn broke, we were left with the not-so-simple decision of “what the fuck do we do now, guys?”

Now, I feel that not exploring these characters would be a near criminal offense against Newbs, and take away greatly from what happened next, so here goes. This motley crew were all created by Newbs for the purpose of his campaign. Francis is a scrawny wannabe thief with confidence issues, who is a drinker and hates small towns. His sister, Hermia, is a terrifically ugly woman, whose appearance has caused her personality to become as twisted as her face and breasts. It might have also unhinged her mind somewhat. She’s also a drinker, and hates small towns. Blacksoul is somewhat of an enigma, who refuses to acknowledge the ridiculousness of his assumed persona, and he’s a drinker who hates small towns. Volumnius is a giggly young girl who is loose with her morals and even looser with her pants. She’s also a drinker and hates small towns. Oh ya, and she has big tits!

To clarify, I said that Newbs created these characters; that’s half true. He didn’t give us any money, usable equipment, weapons, or even any SKILLS. His reasoning is that he wanted us to be forced to actually role-play and speak to the people in town, because any real adventurer would have just carved up the whole place. He wanted us to be “a bunch of shit-eaters”. So we, as players, embarked upon a quest to test the limits of Newbs’ planning, patience, and sanity, by playing the shit out of these motherfuckers.

And so, weaponless and penniless, we began our adventure. Francis, Hermia and Volumnius awoke in a small shack in the village. Staggering out into the bright day sunlight, wishing it was a hangover we were combating rather than total confusion, Volumnius decides to break down the door of the shack and take an old rotting board as a makeshift weapon. Thus armed, we made a beeline for the one saving grace of small towns…booze.

Inside the tavern, we came face to face with one serious motherfucker: none other than Bowser himself. Bowser was the town’s inn/tavern keeper, monstrously huge, bald, and with a wicked awesome beard. The arrogant barkeep tried to make our party pay upfront for our consumption, thus putting the brakes on a well contrived drink-and-dash. Furiously bitter, Hermia bear-hugged the monster, screaming “GET THE BOOZE!!!” Francis needed no prompting to steal, and after collecting an armload of sweet, sweet liquor, quickly quitted the scene, followed closely by Volumnius and Hermia. We retreated to our newly named “drinking shack” and proceeded to do the only thing these adventurers were any good for: get ridiculous.

Shortly afterwards, Bowser followed us to the shack, bringing backup in the form of some disgusting drunken regular at the bar. Unfortunately for us, we were well into the drink at this point. Hermia, panicking, tries to kick the wall out of the shack to escape, and ends up on her drunken ass. Her second tactic was “shock and awe”…she ripped off her shirt and flaunted her disgusting body, but this was ineffective as well. Francis and Volumnius chuck a couple of empty bottles at the intruders, and proceed to get the tar beaten out of them. Francis decided then and there to haul drunken ass, and makes a mad dash for the door, miraculously picking Bowser’s pocket on the run.

Once outside, he found a pair of town guards come to see what the commotion was about. His drunken slurs managed to convince the guards that Bowser and his pal were in the shack there assaulting two young girls, and the barkeep gets arrested! Now our heroes were possessed of some decent coin in one hand, and liquor in the other. I’d be willing to call that a win. We used some of our ill-gotten gains to purchase a little equipment, including a couple of clubs and knives.

Now, the next day, we are confronted by the town officials who have managed to sort all this out (this is why small towns are bullshit, by the way) and arrest us. Long story short, we bluff check our way into the mayor’s confidence, and he lets us in on the town secret of “Green Grants Life”. The green haze around the town keeps the rat hordes at bay and is produced by a small fist sized gem they call the Orb. The Orb’s is hidden with townsperson chosen by the mayor, and charged to keep it safe. Naturally, our characters decide that the only possible course of action here, really, is to steal the orb and use it’s radius of safety to take a walk along the road to Mosely, leaving the townsfolk utterly defenseless.

Around this point, we re-encounter Derek, who had been injured during the rat raids and been unconscious in the wagon ever since. Our exhausted minds must have forgotten him there…so sue us. He wakes up and is pretty damned ungrateful seeing as we’d hauled his sorry ass away from the rat-fight in the first place. The wagon would have moved faster without him, honestly… We also remember that we have two horses that have not been fed or watered in two days. Francis decides to feed and water the poor beasts.

Now, the townspeople are all pretty close-lipped about the Orb and its’ location, but thankfully, they’re mostly retarded. Another reason I hate small towns: Inbreeding. I won’t bore you all with a play-by-play, but here are the highlights: We got drunk with some rich douchebag’s wife and robbed her house a little. Hermia and Volumnius will tell you that Francis fucked the horses (he was unavailable for comment, you bastards). We sold Volumnius into the sex trade where she became one of our leading sources of information (that’s right, this town had 10 buildings, and one was a brothel. Nice, Newbs). She talked her way into the town’s main ho’s (nicknamed “leather-cunt”) house one night and let Francis and Derek in, on suspicion that the Orb was there. Her brother woke up and ended up arresting Derek, and got a pillow full of piss as thanks, courtesy of Francis. Volumnius lezzed out with the town bike. Hermia, still crazy, was convinced that the Orb was buried in the center of town and bought a pickaxe and spent about an entire day hacking at the ground trying to get underneath the town monument…in broad daylight. Finally, Francis got bored of the horses and decided he had some spare pocket change and thought he’d take a turn with the town’s whore. While in the lineup awaiting his servicing, he managed to convince that same rich douchebag to tell us where he had the Orb hidden, and even walked us to the spot. Utilizing all the combined cleverness they could muster, the heroes deduced the code to open the lock on the Orb, which came with a convenient finder’s fee of 400 gold. Treasure AND gold that we didn’t earn? Success!

Ok, now for the grand escape plan! Normal people might have just hitched up the horses and walked out of town. But not Cock Slap Inc.!!! (that’s what we named our group!) We decided we needed to terrorize the citizenry some more. They were already getting pretty annoyed with our shenanigans, so we figured we’d need to do something really noticeable! After about a half hour of talking about all the pointless ideas we had to be stupid, we just settled on arson and robbery, with a little bit of assault mixed in. So we set fire to several of the town’s abandoned shacks, and while everyone was supposed to be paying attention to the fires, we were supposed to pull our cart up to the door of the tavern and set ourselves upon Bowser (not a good couple days for this guy). What really happened was that the fires got everyone outside to witness us brawling, looting, running for it, and otherwise making assholes of ourselves. Derek slugged it out for a few rounds with tubby while Volumnius and Hermia loaded the cart with as much food and booze as they could carry. In two trips. Finally, we all piled into the wagon and peeled outta there.

The four members of Cock Slap Inc., cursing small towns everywhere, were extremely satisfied in short order, as they could hear those telltale screams and destruction of the unprotected town that told us the unimpeded tide of rats was eating the whole place. Fuck you, small town.

So here ends the first entry into the Shufflingdead.com D&D Record of Adventures. I’ll close by thanking Newbs for DMing this punishing, ridiculous adventure. I’ve honestly never laughed so hard playing D&D. And I’ll thank the other players for being such good sports and playing such ridiculous characters, as well.