This copy of my famous dating resumé is obviously a whole year old. I needed to post it for completion’s sake, and because there might never be another edition!
November 16, 2007
Dear Human Female:
I am a University student, webmaster, and all-around excellent young gentleman currently seeking the companionship of a human female. I am willing to be a one-time intimate encounter, a participant in some casual dating, or even a serious boyfriend, plus anything in-between that you can think of.
I look to bring my passion, emotional stability, and arousing good looks to a relationship with you.
Enclosed is a copy of my dating resumé for your perusal as well as a letter of recommendation from a previous girlfriend. If you are interested in pursuing my awesomeness further, you may contact me vial email at email@example.com.
I have had several girlfriends and pseudo-girlfriends previously. Additionally, I have had a couple of casual encounters and gone on many awkward coffee dates. I have also maintained friendships with countless other young ladies over the last several years. Though I have yet to get laid, I have acquired some experience in the field of foreplay, and am confident that I can apply and expand this knowledge.
My passion is writing, for the past five years I have run the website shufflingdead.com, which is dedicated to exploring the meaning of life, the universe, and everything through articles, comics, and even celebrity interviews. Additionally, I play a disgusting amount of video games and am a tremendous Nintendo fanboy. Other interests include Magic: The Gathering, Star Trek, walking, and building a huge Lego tower out of all my Lego. I look to share these interests with a female companion, and I hope that she will share her interests with me as well.
I am currently in fine physical form. I am not overweight, not am I scrawny. My eyesight is not perfect, though I strive for visual sensory excellence through the use of a pair of glasses. I recently participated in a strenuous daily workout routine involving jump-rope for some four months. I make every effort to maintain my resilient twenty-three year old body so that I may live to a very old age and engage in energetic sexual escapades for a long time to come.
I consider myself to possess exceptional mental prowess. I have developed my writing skills through my website, assignments in University, and even my University’s student paper. My breadth of pop-culture knowledge is formidable, and my analytical skills finely honed. As with my physical status, I recognize that there is always something to improve, and in this case that it is my short term memory.
- currently learning how to ride a bike
- once jumped rope 100 times without tripping
- have actually beaten Super Mario Bros. The Lost Levels and F-Zero GX
- pretty much all of the gross and fine motor skills that a human being is capable of
To whom it may concern, the following is a letter to confirm that [Newbs] and I, [Roam], entered into a relationship in late December of 2002, which lasted for approximately six months, before finally ending in early May of 2003. It was during this time that [Newbs] put forth valiant efforts to secure the position of my boyfriend, and despite my initial rejection, he continued his campaign to win me over, utilizing a combination of cleverly concocted hair-brained schemes, stalker-like behaviour, and an impressive knowledge of video games. Alarmingly, I found myself falling for his idiosyncratic sense of humour, nerdy good looks, and boyish charm. It was not long before I was picturing him naked.
It quickly became evident to me that [Newbs] is an extremely intelligent and unique individual. In addition, he is eager to please, willing to compromise, always sincere, and though he is perhaps a little obsessive and tight fisted with his money, he is a truly generous person and often acts unselfishly. His desire to avoid conflict makes him quick to solve problems, and I was pleased to find him generally willing to go along with just about any ridiculous idea that I could think of, with little to no complaining. But perhaps his most attractive quality is his highly developed sense of style, which he masterfully exhibits via a plethora of sweatshirts in varying hues of grey and blue.
All things considered, it is my unwavering belief that [Newbs] displays several appealing qualities one might look for in a boyfriend, and would make a fine contribution to any potential relationship. Indeed, he has much to offer the single ladies of the world.