Ho Ho Ho, it’s Dating Time!

I have decoded another message from my superiors so that I may present to you two new dating strategies for all the “lonely hearted” types out there. Now, you’re probably thinking “but, but, none of your other strategies have worked for me!” Well, that’s probably because you’re either a foreigner or a sexy individual such as myself who is more suited to “playing the field.”

Strategy 1: The Group

The strategy which I am proposing today is one far different from my earlier ones. You see, before it was all about selecting a specific “target” and going all out to impress and gain the affections of that one female. While doing this can be successful, your chances are far greater if you go after many females at once. I don’t mean by yourself, I mean you and your “crew” all working together to gain the attentions of an entire “gaggle” of young females. You must fight side by side, each doing his part for the greater good! One of you can use his incredible good looks to lure the ladies in, while another can drive a car, and do all the work. A third can use his sexy accent and never ending sports pains to get them closer, and the fourth can use his powers of thinking up random late night activities to finally “close the deal.”

Strategy 2: The Sympathy

P’raps it’s the new world order which has seemingly changed the mind set of every female on the face of the earth or p’raps it’s the pills I’ve been sneaking into the ladies drinks lately but I’ve noticed some incredible changes as of late. I will tell you my long guarded secret! Now, there’s an order to things, so pay attention. First off, select a few girls, or as I like to call them “targets” that you wish to acquire for your next orgy. Harass them, say offensive things to them, act like you’re stalking them to the point that they say things like “go away” and “fuck off” as soon as they see you. You might think that this is the end, but you’d be wrong, now you’ve got them! Stop talking to them altogether, look unhappy and depressed whenever they’re around, and be sure to make it seem as though their cruelty has driven you to the brink of suicide. Continue doing so until they start talking to you. The first few times they talk to you, you’ll want to be quiet, serious and still look somewhat depressed but after awhile you can go back to acting like your old perverted self again. You’ve won, victory is yours! The female will now be completely obsessed with you and you can ask her out whenever you bloody well feel like. The reason why this works is that the female feels it is important to know someone for a while before engaging in licking.

In the past few months much has changed on the “scene.” For instance, did you know that you can now get a girl to show you her “fun bags” just by hanging out and applying a little peer pressure? Well, if that example tells us anything, it’s that, instead of being all “nice ‘n’shit,” you can simply be a “keen dude.” If you constantly scream offensive things, make bad jokes which may be cleverly camouflaged as “witty” and if you generally act moronic enough to be noticed, then you’re cool enough to convince a pair of “phat chicks” to show you their “phat sacks,” if you’re into that whole “I don’t need a girlfriend, I’ve got high school girls to take advantage of!” mindset, that is. It’s all because of the sympathy method which must first be taken care of. I would also like to mention that if you accidentally end up kissing one of these females, it doesn’t count and it wasn’t an actual kiss because you didn’t know what the fuck you were doing. DAMN YOU ALL!

Ahh, a pair of perfectly moral strategies to ponder. My conscience is clear!