For the Gentlemen: Successful Internet Dating

If you’re like me, you’re probably miserable and alone. As with all things in life, the internet offers a plethora of easy solutions for finding the perfect girlfriend/fuck-buddy/platonic-wank-buddy to solve this. As someone who has recently taken to trawling Craigslist for hot local singles and attempted to seduce women via a free online dating site, I feel qualified to help you get started in finding your perfect match. This article will detail my suggestions to men to help them succeed in online dating.

Lie
In filling out my interests for an online dating site, I started by listing things that would hint at bookishness and nerdiness, but hoped to avoid creating the profile of a complete otaku. After “reading,” “writing,” “women’s studies,” “webmastery,” and “nerdliness,” I was out. Soon, I found myself spewing “Harry Potter,” “Star Trek,” and ultimately, even “anime.” As I reflected on this list, I thought “these are my interests?” I’ve noticed most people list things like snowboarding, running, traveling, cooking… interests that require some modicum of skill and energy, hobbies that have at least the potential to provide a small amount of meaning and satisfaction in ones life.

The lesson here is simple: lie. If you’re going to be at all honest in creating a profile for yourself on a dating site, you’re not going to get any single professional women who don’t have the time to meet someone (that’s okay, they don’t exist anyway). You’re not even going to get any “BBW” (they definitely exist). Instead, make up a bunch of shit that makes you sound like an Olympic athlete with attention deficit disorder. If, for example, you’ve seen people play a sport on TV before, feel free to list yourself as having written a doctoral thesis about that sport by method of carving letters in the snow with your snowboard. If you’re asked to list what your ideal date would be, claim romantic walk, as those are cheap and easy.

Additionally, online dating sites often ask you to list details about your personal life like if you’re married, if you have a car, how tall you are, etc. Instead of entering anything plausible for these fields, just imagine what Fabio would list if he were also Barack Obama and use that. There’s no sense in admitting your low income status or crippling drug habit, those might turn women off. Once you’re actually on a date is when you should introduce your match to reality, as people are much less choosey once their own horrible flaws are also apparent.

Post Your Wang
Finding a partner online should not be limited to those serious dating sites, don’t be afraid to post a personal on Craigslist as well. Craigslist allows for a lot more freedom to behave in a repulsive manner and seek out whatever utter depravity you desire. On Craigslist, the number one rule is: no one clicks your ad unless you’ve got a picture in it, and no one responds to your ad unless the picture is of your dick.

If you’re a man seeking a woman, then logically, she’s going to need to see your penis to adequately asses your personality, so be sure to slap that in there. If you’re a man seeking a man, even though you’re straight but seriously just want to get fucked just once, then of course you’re going to need to post your tool. If you’re a man looking for a platonic friend for just hanging out, chilling, going to the mall, and beating off to porn together, then again, you’re going to have to demonstrate your qualities as a friend via wang shot.

Only Talk to Fatties
If you’re using Craigslist, there are only two types of ads posted under women seeking men: fake, and fat. Due to the high volume of fake ads posted on Craigslist by scammers, a code has been developed that women use to indicate to men that their postings are real; they will describe themselves as “Big Beautiful Women,” “BBW.” If any level of physical attractiveness is claimed by a woman, especially through use of a picture, then you know automatically that the posting is a scam.

On dating sites things are a little more complicated, decent looking women do sometimes post at those places. If a woman’s profile has no picture, it means she is ugly beyond imagination and you should probably avoid her. If a woman’s picture makes her look decent, you’ll need to be cautious as she probably has debilitating personality problems, if not, she probably won’t bother talking to you, but you can try if you want. If a woman’s picture uses one of the infamous “MySpace angles,” if she describes herself as BBW, fun, outgoing, or anything else synonymous with fat, then congratulations, you’ve found a target.

Because our society maligns overweight women so significantly that they have to find romantic partners online, they tend to be much more willing to consider the kinds of men who also have to turn to online dating. Be careful though, some fatties have personality problems just like everyone else. If she lists “family,” “friends,” and “movies” as her interests, she’s probably too dull or too dumb to even bother. If her username specifically refers to her dislike of drama or baggage, she will definitely have issues with both.

If you’re really, really, incredibly lucky, you’ll find a fat girl who’s not so much fat as she is chubby, and by chubby I mean busty, and who calls herself fat because she has low self esteem. This is your ultimate goal. Congratulations, you’ve just won at online dating.