How to be Cheap, Bored, and Boring

I am not a man of frugality. Indeed, my miserly money skills are so beyond what it is to be frugal that I could be said to be cheap. The cheapest. In these slightly less difficult times than they recently were, I feel that what the world needs is help in maintaining and deepening the cheapness they may have recently discovered. If you follow my advice, not only will you not lose your house the next time the markets drop, you may find an increased tolerance for wearing the same clothes you had a decade ago.

To begin, I need you to admit something, and that is the joy of laziness as compared to the strain of living life fully. You see, you can’t be cheap until you figure out how much time you could be spending not working, and the merits of that not working. Imagine, surviving without overtime, full employment, or even any employment, basking in the free time that that would provide, as well as the malaise you could replace it with. Additionally, consider the acceptability of living with your parents, not doing anything on weekends, and never leaving your house. I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to be cheap without first having this little epiphany.

Let’s move on to the details of living cheaply. I’ll start with “living with your parents,” since I already brought that one up. Although I reference living with certain people specifically, that isn’t your only option, and indeed, may not even be your best option. The trick is really to find a living space in which you will not have to pay a rent, mortgage, food, or utility bill. Many, especially younger people, will accomplish this easily by simply living with their parents. Other options include: house sitting, squatting, leaching off of a romantic partner, and homelessness. If you choose to live off of a romantic partner, you may initially have issues with guilt, but once your legs meet the cushion, you just won’t care any more.

Learn to live with whatever amenities your patron provides. Some may find that food and utilities are covered, but luxuries such as cell phones and car insurance are not. Sorry, but you’ll have to go without those things, just don’t leave your house or have friends (unless those friends are your patrons). Those things should be easy to give up, as I already explained, laying around is an acceptable form of living as compared to working.

There are some expenses which will be unavoidable, unless you have an extremely generous charity supporting you. Hair grooming, prophylactics, and clothing are good examples. I’ve said before that a person really can cut his or her own hair, provided he or she is willing to accept the butchered consequences. Getting laid is necessary to mental health, and having children is about the most expensive thing you can do, so I recommend just going ahead and buying the damn condoms. Clothing though, that’s a more interesting proposition. Making cheap clothing purchases is a matter of compromising with your vanity. Shop around, go to big-box stores and Salvation Army, pick out whatever you can live with, and just stock up. I once managed to find $3 sweaters at Canadian Wal~Mart wannabe Zellers and I bought four. Having constant vigilance for sales is key.

Incredible though it may seem, following what I have said above is all you need to live a truly cheap and unfulfilling life.